Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

Coucou Sass!

 

Strange day Today...: I've experienced a lot of restlessness, and some Spike of despair with cries...but my anxiety stayed mild and tonight...I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

It's been a rough day, still I Feel like it was a bit easier 😄 I even went back To the sea and drank a glass of sparkling water in a café terace 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

 

I don't think its a window because it's been rough. But maybe afterall my periods lead me To such a misérable state ( Today is my last day of them).

Or maybe it's a window but for now they are still mild Windows.

 

I can't tell you how amazing it sas been To expérience only mild anxiety 😊😊😊😊😊

 

 

Merci infiniment pour ton soutien!

[Erell]

10 hours ago, India said:

Use the sea for your healing. It is a magical thing..

Yes Bretagne is magical,  couldn't live away from the sea anymore 

You're welcome!

 

4 hours ago, Guilietta said:

A friend stopped by last night! Even though your sleep prepration was disturbed by a late night visit - to have a friend stop by to visit and be thinking of you is - is wonderful. Maybe she can come over earlier next time if she knows you have to have quiet evenings. Did you tell her you need to relax before bed to help with sleep?

Yes it is wonderful! I've hided myself for a month now, ignoring phonecalls or lie.

It feels Nice To connect again To others. I have to go slowly : yesterday evening  I had troubles To focus on all what she was saying, and it made me felt anxious.

Step by step,  I Will discover the world around me again...;)

 

💓

[Giulietta]

31 minutes ago, Erell said:

I've hided myself for a month now, ignoring phonecalls or lie.

 

It releases a weight off my shoulders when I can tell people what I am going through - meaning I am not feeling so well, not myself, and socializing is difficult now - and that it is nothing personal against them.

34 minutes ago, Erell said:

I have to go slowly : yesterday evening  I had troubles To focus on all what she was saying, and it made me felt anxious.

 

Were you thinking about something - or just being in the moment with your friend? If you are not 'in the moment' you might feel anxious.

 

[Cocopuffz17]

55 minutes ago, Erell said:

Strange day Today...: I've experienced a lot of restlessness, and some Spike of despair with cries...but my anxiety stayed mild and tonight...I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

 

 Woohoo! That’s awesome! You got this!

[Sassenach]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I don't think its a window

It is a window, they are relative to how you were feeling.

As the bad symptoms improve the windows will also get better and longer.

remembre, tout n'est pas bien mais vous est meilleure jour par jour🤐

 

Bon nuit

 

Sass

[mustafa]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

 je suis tres content de lire cette phrase. je peux ecrire en francais mais un peu. je utilise google pour aider

bon nuit erell

[Erell]

Good morning!

Diary of Friday 11 October / day 17 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30 am : woke up anxious (7)

8am : restlessness: 7 / anxiety : 6

took 10mg Paroxetine 

9am : Spike of despair, cry. 

restlessness is hard To bear.

went To walk.

10.50am : felt a rift  : despair is at 6 and restlessness still hard to bear but in the mean time it felt like anxiety was disappearing !

it lasted To 1.30pm.

1.30pm : anxiety went back To 6.

+ time distorsion : feeling like time is very looong.

3.30pm : quick Spike of despair, cry. 

4.30pm: anxiety : 5 / despair: 5 / restlessness  : 5.

5pm : I went out To the sea, then To a café terace.

7pm : anxiety : 4 / despair  : 3 / restlessness: 5

8pm : felt so tired : went To bed with a book. Anxiety : 4 / despair  : 2 / restlessness: 3

10.30 pm : lights off. I was so tired,  I think I might have fell asleep in ten minutes!

 

This night  : I think I slept without waking up until 5.30am !!!! Woke up anxious at 5.30am but bearable. Felt totally awaken. 

 

This morning: I felt asleep again from 7am To 8am. I think naps are still toxic To me : I'm anxious (6) since i woke up again. 

 

---》since yesterday, my body and particularly my calf have aches. Like if I had climbed a mountain!

 

 

@Sassenach : ok so a window it is

I must confess that very naively I thought that a window would be a wonderful time feeling almost normal 

However, Im so grateful for having easier times !!!!!! Thank you for telling me it's a window, it feels like christmas To me !!!!!!! 😍

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

17 hours ago, Erell said:

Coucou Sass!

 

Strange day Today...: I've experienced a lot of restlessness, and some Spike of despair with cries...but my anxiety stayed mild and tonight...I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

It's been a rough day, still I Feel like it was a bit easier 😄 I even went back To the sea and drank a glass of sparkling water in a café terace 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

 

I don't think its a window because it's been rough. But maybe afterall my periods lead me To such a misérable state ( Today is my last day of them).

Or maybe it's a window but for now they are still mild Windows.

 

I can't tell you how amazing it sas been To expérience only mild anxiety 😊😊😊😊😊

 

 

Merci infiniment pour ton soutien!

Hello @Erell, thank you for dropping by my thread. It's so good to see that you had a window! You see? Your brain and nervous system are healing, no matter how slow it feels, they are fixing themselves. Can totally relate to how good it feels when the anxiety is mild. It's like coming up for air after being underwater.

Sunny xxx

[Erell]

Thank you @sunnysideup69 ! I love To read your thread, everytime it gives me hope 😄 keep updating us

 

Today was also a mild day : i managed To go out, and To take care of my vegetable garden (felt exhausted after!)...and also had some hard Spikes of despair and sadness.

Still Feel so grateful To be able To go out of my flat! It's challenging and stressfull, but so Nice To not spend my entire day inside!!! 😍

 

I have now some fish oil, I Will try a small dose tomorrow morning. 

 

Hugs To you all!

[Sassenach]

Evening Erell

 

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better.

The windows too will get better and longer.

It is surprising how much more quickly time passes when you can keep busy, also helps with sleep.

Keep your magnesium dose steady as you introduce fish oil.

Been a beautiful but chilly day here today.

 

Sass

[Rhiannon]

28 minutes ago, Erell said:

Thank you @sunnysideup69 ! I love To read your thread, everytime it gives me hope 😄 keep updating us

 

Today was also a mild day : i managed To go out, and To take care of my vegetable garden (felt exhausted after!)...and also had some hard Spikes of despair and sadness.

Still Feel so grateful To be able To go out of my flat! It's challenging and stressfull, but so Nice To not spend my entire day inside!!! 😍

 

I have now some fish oil, I Will try a small dose tomorrow morning. 

 

Hugs To you all!

 

Excellent, you were able to get outside. 

 

You're doing fine. It's a long journey but you're on the way. Just keep doing your best.

[Erell]

Coucou Sass!

Yes I wont do any change while trying fish oil

 

The idea of new waves is stressfull : still need To work on acceptance to stop adding fear To fear

 

Well it's been pretty hot here Today for the season! Started rainy and gradually improved...😉

 

Hope you're doing good dear Sass !

[Erell]

Oh @Rhiannon, thank you for stopping by!

Yes I truly do my best : I'm so glad I met you all! I know that without SA I would have make other changes. I still have a huge work To do about acceptance, so I keep on trying.

 

Thank you.

 

 

A friend told me yesterday : "Erell, you think like if you had a deadline To Feel better. But actually there is no deadline. You have all the time you need." : it was wonderful To hear.

 

💓

[Sassenach]

Good advice🤗

[Erell]

Good morning!

Diary 12 October / day 18 on 10mg Paroxetine 

5.30 am : woke up anxious (5), Feel completely awaken. 

From 7am To 8am, I fell asleep again. 

8am : woke up anxious (6) .took 10mg Paroxetine. 

10am : Feel flu,  weak, body aches.

anxiety : 5 / despair: 2 / restlessness  : 4

some intrusive thoughts, fear of Being stuck in this state forever.

Noon : can't motivate myself for anything. Anxiety  : 5 / despair  : 5

1pm : Spike of despair and anxiety. Urge To Feel normal. It Will last until 2.30pm

2.40pm To 3.50pm : took care of my vegetable garden To "change the Channel ".

4pm : Spike of despair/sadness/fear of the future/ restlessness. 

4.30pm: decided To go out To try to "change the Channel ". Went To the sea. 

6pm : came back To my flat. 

anxiety  : 5 / despair  : 4 / restlessness :5

8.20pm : bedtime. Anxiety: 5 / despair  : 5 / restlessness  : 0

9.50pm : Feel almost normal!!! Relaxed!!!

11pm lights off

 

 

This night : I think I might fell asleep around 11.30pm. And woke up at...7.30am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😍

I was wearing earplugs and I think it really helped . I had already try earplugs last week, but I was too anxious and couldn't bear it.

As I was relaxed yesterday evening, I have been able To wear them. 

[Sassenach]

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

 

Catch U later

[Cocopuffz17]

Woohooo that’s awesome you slept for 8 hrs!!! Sleep is so nice!

[Sassenach]

Bonsoir Ma Cherie, est ca permit?

 

Your diary is showing gradual improvement which is good.

You have been posting a lot which is always good news.

How are you feeling now?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi Sass!

 

Actually 'ma chérie' has a romantic connotation  😄 At least for me...need the opinion of our French companions here!

Does 'dear' have the same connotation? 

I'm just realizing i use this Word a lot here 😮

 

Yes you're right : when I Feel better I Feel more able To post To others.

Complicated equilibrium between wanting To help others and Being anxious by reading their stories 😒

I bet you know better than me ! 

 

It actually has been a good day : first I was so happy with my night! I had a very very Nice morning, anxiety and despair were very low!

This afternoon I struggled a bit more, and now I Feel anxious. But lower than previous days ! And I think I am more able To accept it because I experienced good times!

 

Thank you for keeping asking Sass, always really Nice To share these feelings with someone who understand!

[Sassenach]

2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Actually 'ma chérie' has a romantic connotation

I think you are right, oops sorry.

 

3 minutes ago, Erell said:

Does 'dear' have the same connotation? 

Not necessarily, which is no help at all, sorry getting late or feels like it.

 

4 minutes ago, Erell said:

Complicated equilibrium between wanting To help others

You are doing a good job of helping.

 

Sleep well again tonight.

 

Sass

[Erell]

Don't Feel sorry @Sassenach : we both have a long journey ahead, with time we will both be bilingual 🤣

 

Sleep Well 

[Rhiannon]

4 hours ago, Erell said:

Don't Feel sorry @Sassenach : we both have a long journey ahead, with time we will both be bilingual 🤣

 

Sleep Well 

 

LOL

Well this might not be your first choice for improving your English, but I must say you are doing great.

 

So glad to hear you got an 8-hour sleep night. Don't be discouraged if that goes away. It will come back. The fact that it has happened this soon in the process is a very good sign.

 

You have had many good signs along the way, and I feel quite optimistic about your prospects. You are going to be fine. It will still take a while, but you'll get there.  I believe the quote is, "If you're going through hell, keep going." Keep going!

[Giulietta]

Hello dear Erell,

 

What positive signs! A full 8 hours of sleep, days with less anxiety, and able to go out and till the soil (work in your garden). This is part of getting better and now you may feel you are turning a corner. 

[Erell]

Good morning!

 

Diary 13 October/ day 19 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am : woke up anxious (6)

8am : took 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule

9am  : quick Spike of despair (7)

10am : went To a walk outside. Felt almost normal  😍

11am : anxiety: 3 / despair:1 / restlessness: 1 😍

11.30 am : internal tremors (4)

12.30 : anxiety :5 / despair: 7/ restlessness: 5. Intrusive thoughts.

3pm : I went outside To see the sea. 

5pm : anxiety: 6 / despair: 5 (same all evening)

8pm : bedtime routine. Lot of intrusive thoughts. 

11pm : lights off.

 

This night  : I also wear the earplugs and it helped me : I woke up anxious at 7.15am , and dont think I woke up other times in the night 😍

Now : classical cortisol Spike, anxiety : 6/7

 

 

--》 As I had a Nice morning, I think that fish oil helped. On the fish oil thread, Altosrata advise To try one capsule for a few days, then increase gradually. That's exactly what I'm going To do.

 

 

@Rhiannon : thank you for your support!

Yes I experience improvments, can't tell how sweet it is To expérience mild anxiety!!! Everytime anxiety increase again I freak out...have To work on that

[composter]

Hi @Erell thanks for stopping by on my thread. You have an amazing positive attitude despite the horror you have gone through. The despair, intrusive thoughts, violent thoughts...I’ve been there and you are not alone. I also really love tending to my vegetable garden, it has been so therapeutic for me after I reinstated and waited to stabilize. With time, you will see things really improve. Continue to be patient over the next several months and years. It will pay off.

 

We might be around the same age. I lived with my parents during the worst of my withdrawal and didn’t work for close to a year, but I was so thankful to be with them and receive their care. I hope you have a good support system around you with this. I was immensely grateful to have the support of my family, and yes, I did have to educate them a lot about withdrawal but they believed me every step of the way.

[Erell]

Hi @composter !

 

Thank you for your support !

I'm 28...;)

 

Actually Today I don't have a positive attitude 😉 back in a wave of despair and anxiety  I guess. 

Can I ask how long you lived with your parents during WD ?

 

Have a Nice day!

[composter]

Hi Erell! Hello from California! I don’t want to say my exact age, but I am a few years younger than you. 

 

It will pass, it will pass. I trust you have a good toolkit of self-calming things that you can turn to. Board games with my parents/friends and walks outside helped me a lot during the worst times.

 

Well I lived with my parents before WD too because I had major health issues stemming from multiple head concussions, but it became an absolute necessity to be with them during my crisis. Of course I was worried that I was not working and not living a productive life, but I was fortunate that they have the resources financially to help me focus on healing. I have really great parents and I am immensely grateful that they supported me. We got a lot closer during this past year as I was focusing on stabilization. I also was able to help them around the house in different ways... I built them a few shelves, organized rooms, and made a vegetable garden. 

 

Don’t feel any shame about living with family, it will only be temporary until you get back on your feet. It took me 8 months to stabilize after I reinstated and then I moved out at the 1 year point of my reinstatement to start grad school. Everyone’s story is different but that is what worked for me. Don’t feel bad about accepting the help of your family, that is what they are there for. From my experience being cared for by them I am so very committed to caring for them when they grow old.

[Erell]

@composter : I Feel really happy for you  : you seem To move on and take back your life ! Enjoy it

 

Actually, I don't live with my parents, I find it easier To cope in my flat without having To see their fear everyday.

 

I Feel like i'll never Feel normal again, thank you for reminding me things can get better!

[Giulietta]

Hello @composter and coucou @Erell

 

I learn a lot from Erell's positive attitude.

 

This is a remarkable phenomenon - windows and waves and windows and waves. It does get better. I haven't decided if the tremors and anxiety are worse than the despair or the other way around. 😎

 

I live with my parents, too, and while I am grateful to be here - sometimes I think I would be better off to live on my own. Like you, composter, I lived with my parents before the WD for a number of reasons - including a pre-existing health condition. I have been trying to find my own place - but it is very expensive and I am not working either. I could not have the first 6 months of WD. I am glad you don't feel bad about living with your parents.

 

I used to live in the San Diego area. I loved it. I am much older than you both. I wish I was 28 again.

 

Giuilietta

[Erell]

You are all so kind talking about my positive attitude! In a day like Today, full of despair and unable To believe i'll get better, it is Nice To read that I can be positive. It reminds me that I am a smiling person!

 

Actually Guilietta,  there a not symptoms better than others what is hard is their intensity.

[Sassenach]

Bonsoir Erell

 

Aujour d'hui je procede sans danger. Je ne dis pas c-----rie.

 

Lots of posts so I hope a good day for you.

 

Sass

[Erell]

Haha!  You can tell 'ma chère'

 

 

Actually it has been a really rough day : restlessness, anxiety and despair all day, hopeless.

I think I'm back in a wave, trying To surf and not To listen To the voice that tell me I'm stuck and Will always have To live like this 

 

Hope i'll have better news tomorrow!

 

Have a Nice evening!

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Sorry you have had a rough day. 🙁  You are not stuck - just in a holding pattern.  

 

Hugs,

 

Giulietta

 

 

[mustafa]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

Haha!  You can tell 'ma chère'

 

 

Actually it has been a really rough day : restlessness, anxiety and despair all day, hopeless.

I think I'm back in a wave, trying To surf and not To listen To the voice that tell me I'm stuck and Will always have To live like this 

 

Hope i'll have better news tomorrow!

 

Have a Nice evening!

Waves seem to be like have no any difference. Every wave is similar to the previous one as if there is no change but I could notice( as I had hard time today and for some time nowadays) that I really had some of gains but remember again , it is like that there is no change however, you can notice the difference in the way your brain think and deal with everyday life actions; brain is healing until you feel the power of it again.

Sleep well, erell.

[Erell]

Diary Monday 14 October / day 20 on 10mg Paroxetine

 

7.15am : woke up anxious (7)

8am : 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. Still highly anxious. 

10am : tinnitus. Cry.  Restlessness (5)

Despair (7) / internal tremors (6)

11.40am : despair  (8). Intrusive thoughts  : I'm stuck in this state forever/ everything is hopeless / quick suicidal thoughts. It Will last an hour.

1.30pm : anxiety:7 / despair  : 7 / restlessness  : 6. Cry.  Everything seems meaningless. Unable To imagine à better future. 

3pm : Feel a 'urge To Feel normal ' . Cry. 

5pm : Spike of despair, cry.  Hopeless.unable To imagine i'll get better one day.

from 5.20pm : a friend came. It was really Nice To see her. Felt a lot of restlessness while talking To her. She stayed for the night.

10pm : bedtime. Headache. Anxiety: 5 / despair  : 5 / restlessness  : 4.

11.15pm : lights off.

 

This night : i might fell asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 7.30 am. Earplugs still.

First thing : oh no, I'm still in hell...

 

 

--》 it feels like I'm back in a wave. 

However I think fish oil might help so i'll keep taking.

 

 

@Guilietta : yes I must be in a waves and window pattern. I try To focus on saturday (i had a moment while I felt almost normal) because this wave is rough!

 

@mustafa : thank you so much for your support ❤ so sorry you're in a bad wave too!

For now I'm not sure that this wave is easier, but you may be right. 

[Sassenach]

Good morning

Chin up you know it will get better and better and better until you are well again

Sass