Jump to content
Erell

Erell: struggling with paroxetine

Recommended Posts

Erell

Hi dear Sass!

 

Actually, I decreased magnesium and took the quarter of a spoon that I was taking last week. I don't know how To explain but I was feeling that it was the right thing To do. You know Sass, even a quarter of a spoon is much more than the recommended dose here. I think I must be around 600mg (as a coffee spoon is 2500mg of my magnésium powder).

 

Today has been challenging : first because of the awful night, then because my father and my little brother came To visit me.

 

I expérienced High anxiety and restlessness Today, but despair was lower. I did'nt cry.

 

I  also tried To cope my fear of something going wrong : according To this board and all thé cases, it seems that an adverse réaction happen when you start taking a med.  So, I think I'm not having an adverse réaction: it sounds like a pretty bad wave, added with hormones. 

What do you think about adverse réaction?

 

I'm not okay, but I Feel a bit better. At least this evening I'm able To Feel hope again, and it feels Nice :)

 

Hope you're not overwhelmed by all you do here. I'm so grateful for your wisdom! 

Share this post


Link to post
Erell
21 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

This happened so many times that I now consider it another withdrawal symptom:  the inability to believe that things will get better, and to remember that things have been better before.

 

So feeling the way you are feeling is very normal and typical for withdrawal.

 

You are still very early in this process. The symptoms you are experiencing are, unfortunately, normal at this point. You are not stuck. You are having the normal windows and waves pattern of recovery. You are having the normal cortisol spike issues. Everything you describe sounds normal to me. Not good, not happy, but normal for the stage of the process that you are in.

 

 

It is a bumpy ride, especially during these early months. You are going to have better days. You are going to have more bad days too. But overall, you will gradually have more better days, and your bad days will gradually improve as well. Eventually you will stabilize and you will start feeling much better than you are feeling now.

 

You are doing everything right. I'm so sorry that you're suffering. Just hang on, hang on for the ride. You are doing fine and you are going to come out of this and have a lovely life.

 

--Rhiannon

 

Dear Rhi 

 

You're so right! Reading you make me realize This is a symptom too : To be totally unable To imagine you Will Feel better, the feeling of Being stuck forever.

I Will have To try To remember this when despair is too High. 

 

you can't imagine how it relieves me To read you thinking all of this is normal. I was totally stuck in the idea that something was going terribly wrong, maybe an adverse réaction, ...and then that I was going to stay forever in this state!

it is terrible, but if it is normal, then I can Feel hope. Thank you for  ❤

 

The past few days, I was almost convinced that my WD symptoms were worse than what people can expérience here, that nobody here could understand because my situation was the worst. I know it sounds selfish,  but I really had this feeling.

I think it could be another symptom too hein ? ;)

 

Thank you Rhi for stopping by, and thank you Sass for your permanent and patient support 💓

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach

You should listen to your body and I am glad you did.

First time you have mentioned your brother, I have two both younger.

26 minutes ago, Erell said:

So, I think I'm not having an adverse réaction: it sounds like a pretty bad wave, added with hormones.

You were already on the drug so an adverse reaction is not the issue here.

As Rhi said very eloquently above, W/D is brutal and we totally loose our sense of perspective.

It will get better, just wish I could tell you when. If I could I would be millionaire😎

Have a calm evening, phone off, bath and relax into sleep.

 

Sass

 

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Actually Sass I have 2 brothers: the younger one, and one older than me.

It was nice To see him! He is a very quiet person. And a pure scientist  ( phd in fundamental physics 🙃) so I send him a lot of links from here To help him understand. Don't know if he Will read!

 

Haha, yes you would definitely earn so much money if it was predictible!!! I must confess I would be the first one To pay To know when I Will have a window !!!!😳😄

 

Good evening dear Sass, take care of you!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Guilietta

Hello dear Erell,

 

I see you sent me a message - which I will respond to - but first I wanted to comment on your posts.

 

@Rhiannon captured everything as my experience was too - and not just mine - but others on the site from what I read.

1 hour ago, Rhiannon said:

It is a bumpy ride, especially during these early months.

 

The first few months I had were miserable. I had your symptoms and additional ones - not so long ago (earlier this year). I feel so awful for you and wish I was there in person to give you a hug and comfort you.

 

1 hour ago, Rhiannon said:

I would feel so bad and it would seem to me that I had never felt good and I was never going to feel good again.

 

I did feel this way - and wondered whether  I ever going to be my old self again. I felt this way for months. It gradually improved. I feel your anguish because mine was just yesterday. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

 @Rhiannon  said this beautifully. You are doing things right. You take good care of yourself,  follow the advice of the mods - and remain steadfast in your goal. Envision yourself being free from paxil and the WD symptoms. :) 

 

Big hugs, 💗

Giuilietta

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday  10 October / day 16 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

8am woke up anxious (7) + 10mg Paroxetine 

8am To 11.30am : anxiety (7) / despair  : 6. Quick internal tremors. 

11.30 am my dad and my little brother arrived. All noon : lot of restlessness, impatience + anxiety

2.30 pm : restlessness: 7/8

anxiety : 6 / despair  : 6.

Feel the urge To do something, but don't know what. 

4pm anxiety : 5 / despair: 5

restlessness: 6 / tinnitus.

6pm : internal tremors.  Anxiety : 6/ despair: 6 / restlessness: 6.

8.30pm : à friend surprised me and came To my flat. We talked until I went to bed at 10.30pm. It messed up my bedtime routine but it was nice To see her!

11pm  : lights off. Feeling restlessness. I think I managed To fall asleep between 11.30pm and midnight.

 

this night : I woke up anxious 2 times but tried To not look at the hours on my Phone. Anxious night, but it feels bit better than the previous one.

 

This morning: my friends, it looks like I've run a marathon again 😉 legs are painfull (but it's ok, I prefer my physical symptoms To my psychological ones).

I woke up anxious at 6.30am. Anxiety is at 7.

 

 

---》 I notice that I always have internal tremors around 6pm.

--》 still in a wave, still trying To learn surfing.

Share this post


Link to post
India
On 10/9/2019 at 4:32 PM, Erell said:

Whouah it seems you've seen a lot in France! How long have you lived in France?

I live in Brittany, it is where I was born.

I also lived in the Alps, near To Briançon. Where were you?

 

Hello Erell, I live in London but visited France quite a bit. Skiing with my family in various french resorts like Courchevel. Also Valley Verdon. Spent time in Cannes. Had different connections over the years. Last year I was on holiday with my mum near Toulon, “Ile de Gaot”.. so stunning.

 

Bretagne looks  so stunning. I’d love to go.

 

Use the sea for your healing. It is a magical thing..

Share this post


Link to post
Guilietta

Good day, dear Erell

 

I'm looking at the positives on your log - and the symptoms I've had that will go away....so feeling very hopeful for you but sad you have to deal with this now.

 

Wonderful that your father and brother are visiting. I know you worry about your  sadness - but it seems that your father may be realizing that you need him more than he is upset to see you suffer. :)  You are so fortunate to have a loving family.

 

A friend stopped by last night! Even though your sleep prepration was disturbed by a late night visit - to have a friend stop by to visit and be thinking of you is - is wonderful. Maybe she can come over earlier next time if she knows you have to have quiet evenings. Did you tell her you need to relax before bed to help with sleep?

7 hours ago, Erell said:

legs are painfull (but it's ok, I prefer my physical symptoms To my psychological ones).

 

Yup. Physical symptoms are better than the internal tremors - which will lessen over time and finally go away. 😀They are REALLY unpleasant I know.  Tinnitis is something that will go away. When it flares up - we can only ignore it or have other noise (TV, radio). I find that helped enormously.  It lessens over time until it goes away more and more.

 

💓

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
mustafa
On 10/10/2019 at 2:04 AM, Guilietta said:

@mustafa

Would you say that you are more or less stable (with mostly same symptoms most of the time) and that your taper went smoothly?

 

When you say 'supportable' - what do you mean?

 

I embraced your approach to WD - until I started to experience symptoms when I could not function as usual. So I now keep a log to see what symptoms may correlate to a change in dosage.

Hello gulietta, iam very sorry for missing your quotation. For my taper, it was very rapid , I did it in one day😧, I do never advise you to make like me. If I understand you, then yes I have symptomts and iam up and down with them( they started very very severe). I don't suffer new symptomts( despair, depression and anxiety are common symptomts between all survivors). My advice in my reply to erell was to you, I remember that I read for you that you are searching for a work, this would greatly help( as I know), so I tried to encourage you. For me I can't go for work now because I have some problems with equilibrium😔

I think you are right for having a log but if you think your day was ok, don't give attention to it, this was my advice. IAM sorry for my bad english, I hope I could write in words what I wanted to say.

Share this post


Link to post
Guilietta

Hello @mustafa

 

thank yo for your reply and sorry you are having trouble with equilibrium so are taking a break from work.

 

I agree that work is good if one is able - for a few months I was disabled and mostly could not have worked. As I improved - it would be nice. It has been complicated by newly emerging symptoms an dtime I spend trying to find solutions to this wD.

 

LIke you - I came off my drug almost overnight. It was meant to be a taper. MD and pharmacy messed up with the prescription (mostly pharmacy) - MD had meant this to be a taper - and I have been paying ever since last December.

 

Your English is very good. I find keeping logs is helpful.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

Comment ca va aujourdhui?

 

Sass

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Coucou Sass!

 

Strange day Today...: I've experienced a lot of restlessness, and some Spike of despair with cries...but my anxiety stayed mild and tonight...I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

It's been a rough day, still I Feel like it was a bit easier 😄 I even went back To the sea and drank a glass of sparkling water in a café terace 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

 

I don't think its a window because it's been rough. But maybe afterall my periods lead me To such a misérable state ( Today is my last day of them).

Or maybe it's a window but for now they are still mild Windows.

 

I can't tell you how amazing it sas been To expérience only mild anxiety 😊😊😊😊😊

 

 

Merci infiniment pour ton soutien!

Share this post


Link to post
Erell
10 hours ago, India said:

Use the sea for your healing. It is a magical thing..

Yes Bretagne is magical,  couldn't live away from the sea anymore  ;)

You're welcome! :)

 

4 hours ago, Guilietta said:

A friend stopped by last night! Even though your sleep prepration was disturbed by a late night visit - to have a friend stop by to visit and be thinking of you is - is wonderful. Maybe she can come over earlier next time if she knows you have to have quiet evenings. Did you tell her you need to relax before bed to help with sleep?

Yes it is wonderful! I've hided myself for a month now, ignoring phonecalls or lie.

It feels Nice To connect again To others. I have to go slowly : yesterday evening  I had troubles To focus on all what she was saying, and it made me felt anxious.

Step by step,  I Will discover the world around me again...;)

 

💓

Share this post


Link to post
Guilietta
31 minutes ago, Erell said:

I've hided myself for a month now, ignoring phonecalls or lie.

 

It releases a weight off my shoulders when I can tell people what I am going through - meaning I am not feeling so well, not myself, and socializing is difficult now - and that it is nothing personal against them.

34 minutes ago, Erell said:

I have to go slowly : yesterday evening  I had troubles To focus on all what she was saying, and it made me felt anxious.

 

Were you thinking about something - or just being in the moment with your friend? If you are not 'in the moment' you might feel anxious.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Cocopuffz17
55 minutes ago, Erell said:

Strange day Today...: I've experienced a lot of restlessness, and some Spike of despair with cries...but my anxiety stayed mild and tonight...I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

 

 Woohoo! That’s awesome! You got this!

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach
1 hour ago, Erell said:

I don't think its a window

It is a window, they are relative to how you were feeling.

As the bad symptoms improve the windows will also get better and longer.

remembre, tout n'est pas bien mais vous est meilleure jour par jour🤐

 

Bon nuit

 

Sass

Share this post


Link to post
mustafa
3 hours ago, Erell said:

I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

 je suis tres content de lire cette phrase. je peux ecrire en francais mais un peu. je utilise google pour aider:rolleyes:

bon nuit erell

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Good morning!

Diary of Friday 11 October / day 17 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30 am woke up anxious (7)

8am restlessness: 7 / anxiety : 6

took 10mg Paroxetine 

9am Spike of despair, cry. 

restlessness is hard To bear.

went To walk.

10.50am felt a rift  : despair is at 6 and restlessness still hard to bear but in the mean time it felt like anxiety was disappearing !

it lasted To 1.30pm.

1.30pm : anxiety went back To 6.

+ time distorsion : feeling like time is very looong.

3.30pm quick Spike of despair, cry. 

4.30pm: anxiety : 5 / despair: 5 / restlessness  : 5.

5pm I went out To the sea, then To a café terace.

7pm : anxiety : 4 / despair  : 3 / restlessness: 5

8pm felt so tired : went To bed with a book. Anxiety : 4 / despair  : 2 / restlessness: 3

10.30 pm : lights off. I was so tired,  I think I might have fell asleep in ten minutes!

 

This night  : I think I slept without waking up until 5.30am !!!! Woke up anxious at 5.30am but bearable. Felt totally awaken. 

 

This morning: I felt asleep again from 7am To 8am. I think naps are still toxic To me : I'm anxious (6) since i woke up again. 

 

---》since yesterday, my body and particularly my calf have aches. Like if I had climbed a mountain!

 

 

@Sassenach : ok so a window it is ;)

I must confess that very naively I thought that a window would be a wonderful time feeling almost normal  ;)

However, Im so grateful for having easier times !!!!!! Thank you for telling me it's a window, it feels like christmas To me !!!!!!! 😍

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
sunnysideup69
17 hours ago, Erell said:

Coucou Sass!

 

Strange day Today...: I've experienced a lot of restlessness, and some Spike of despair with cries...but my anxiety stayed mild and tonight...I'm smiling!!!!!!!!!! 😃😃😃😃

It's been a rough day, still I Feel like it was a bit easier 😄 I even went back To the sea and drank a glass of sparkling water in a café terace 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

 

I don't think its a window because it's been rough. But maybe afterall my periods lead me To such a misérable state ( Today is my last day of them).

Or maybe it's a window but for now they are still mild Windows.

 

I can't tell you how amazing it sas been To expérience only mild anxiety 😊😊😊😊😊

 

 

Merci infiniment pour ton soutien!

Hello @Erell, thank you for dropping by my thread. It's so good to see that you had a window! You see? Your brain and nervous system are healing, no matter how slow it feels, they are fixing themselves. Can totally relate to how good it feels when the anxiety is mild. It's like coming up for air after being underwater.

Sunny xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Thank you @sunnysideup69 ! I love To read your thread, everytime it gives me hope 😄 keep updating us ;)

 

Today was also a mild day : i managed To go out, and To take care of my vegetable garden (felt exhausted after!)...and also had some hard Spikes of despair and sadness.

Still Feel so grateful To be able To go out of my flat! It's challenging and stressfull, but so Nice To not spend my entire day inside!!! 😍

 

I have now some fish oil, I Will try a small dose tomorrow morning. 

 

Hugs To you all!

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach

Evening Erell

 

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better.

The windows too will get better and longer.

It is surprising how much more quickly time passes when you can keep busy, also helps with sleep.

Keep your magnesium dose steady as you introduce fish oil.

Been a beautiful but chilly day here today.

 

Sass

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon
28 minutes ago, Erell said:

Thank you @sunnysideup69 ! I love To read your thread, everytime it gives me hope 😄 keep updating us ;)

 

Today was also a mild day : i managed To go out, and To take care of my vegetable garden (felt exhausted after!)...and also had some hard Spikes of despair and sadness.

Still Feel so grateful To be able To go out of my flat! It's challenging and stressfull, but so Nice To not spend my entire day inside!!! 😍

 

I have now some fish oil, I Will try a small dose tomorrow morning. 

 

Hugs To you all!

 

Excellent, you were able to get outside. 

 

You're doing fine. It's a long journey but you're on the way. Just keep doing your best.

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Coucou Sass!

Yes I wont do any change while trying fish oil ;)

 

The idea of new waves is stressfull : still need To work on acceptance to stop adding fear To fear ;)

 

Well it's been pretty hot here Today for the season! Started rainy and gradually improved...😉

 

Hope you're doing good dear Sass !

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Oh @Rhiannon, thank you for stopping by!

Yes I truly do my best : I'm so glad I met you all! I know that without SA I would have make other changes. I still have a huge work To do about acceptance, so I keep on trying.

 

Thank you.

 

 

A friend told me yesterday : "Erell, you think like if you had a deadline To Feel better. But actually there is no deadline. You have all the time you need." : it was wonderful To hear.

 

💓

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach

Good advice🤗

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Good morning!

Diary 12 October / day 18 on 10mg Paroxetine 

5.30 am : woke up anxious (5), Feel completely awaken. 

From 7am To 8am, I fell asleep again. 

8am woke up anxious (6) .took 10mg Paroxetine. 

10am Feel flu,  weak, body aches.

anxiety : 5 / despair: 2 / restlessness  : 4

some intrusive thoughts, fear of Being stuck in this state forever.

Noon : can't motivate myself for anything. Anxiety  : 5 / despair  : 5

1pm : Spike of despair and anxiety. Urge To Feel normal. It Will last until 2.30pm

2.40pm To 3.50pm : took care of my vegetable garden To "change the Channel ".

4pm : Spike of despair/sadness/fear of the future/ restlessness. 

4.30pm: decided To go out To try to "change the Channel ". Went To the sea. 

6pm came back To my flat. 

anxiety  : 5 / despair  : 4 / restlessness :5

8.20pm bedtime. Anxiety: 5 / despair  : 5 / restlessness  : 0

9.50pm : Feel almost normal!!! Relaxed!!!

11pm lights off

 

 

This night I think I might fell asleep around 11.30pm. And woke up at...7.30am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😍

I was wearing earplugs and I think it really helped . I had already try earplugs last week, but I was too anxious and couldn't bear it.

As I was relaxed yesterday evening, I have been able To wear them. 

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

 

Catch U later

Share this post


Link to post
Cocopuffz17

Woohooo that’s awesome you slept for 8 hrs!!! Sleep is so nice!

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach

Bonsoir Ma Cherie, est ca permit?

 

Your diary is showing gradual improvement which is good.

You have been posting a lot which is always good news.

How are you feeling now?

 

Sass

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Hi Sass!

 

Actually 'ma chérie' has a romantic connotation  😄 At least for me...need the opinion of our French companions here!

Does 'dear' have the same connotation? 

I'm just realizing i use this Word a lot here 😮

 

Yes you're right : when I Feel better I Feel more able To post To others.

Complicated equilibrium between wanting To help others and Being anxious by reading their stories 😒

I bet you know better than me ! 

 

It actually has been a good day : first I was so happy with my night! I had a very very Nice morning, anxiety and despair were very low!

This afternoon I struggled a bit more, and now I Feel anxious. But lower than previous days ! And I think I am more able To accept it because I experienced good times!

 

Thank you for keeping asking Sass, always really Nice To share these feelings with someone who understand!

Share this post


Link to post
Sassenach
2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Actually 'ma chérie' has a romantic connotation

I think you are right, oops:blush: sorry.

 

3 minutes ago, Erell said:

Does 'dear' have the same connotation? 

Not necessarily, which is no help at all, sorry getting late or feels like it.

 

4 minutes ago, Erell said:

Complicated equilibrium between wanting To help others

You are doing a good job of helping.

 

Sleep well again tonight.

 

Sass

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Don't Feel sorry @Sassenach : we both have a long journey ahead, with time we will both be bilingual 🤣

 

Sleep Well  :)

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon
4 hours ago, Erell said:

Don't Feel sorry @Sassenach : we both have a long journey ahead, with time we will both be bilingual 🤣

 

Sleep Well  :)

 

LOL

Well this might not be your first choice for improving your English, but I must say you are doing great.

 

So glad to hear you got an 8-hour sleep night. Don't be discouraged if that goes away. It will come back. The fact that it has happened this soon in the process is a very good sign.

 

You have had many good signs along the way, and I feel quite optimistic about your prospects. You are going to be fine. It will still take a while, but you'll get there.  I believe the quote is, "If you're going through hell, keep going." Keep going!

Share this post


Link to post
Guilietta

Hello dear Erell,

 

What positive signs! A full 8 hours of sleep, days with less anxiety, and able to go out and till the soil (work in your garden). This is part of getting better and now you may feel you are turning a corner.  :)

Share this post


Link to post
Erell

Good morning!

 

Diary 13 October/ day 19 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am : woke up anxious (6)

8am took 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule

9am  : quick Spike of despair (7)

10am : went To a walk outside. Felt almost normal  😍

11am : anxiety: 3 / despair:1 / restlessness: 1 😍

11.30 am internal tremors (4)

12.30 : anxiety :5 / despair: 7/ restlessness: 5. Intrusive thoughts.

3pm : I went outside To see the sea. 

5pm : anxiety: 6 / despair: 5 (same all evening)

8pm : bedtime routine. Lot of intrusive thoughts. 

11pm : lights off.

 

This night  : I also wear the earplugs and it helped me : I woke up anxious at 7.15am , and dont think I woke up other times in the night 😍

Now : classical cortisol Spike, anxiety : 6/7

 

 

--》 As I had a Nice morning, I think that fish oil helped. On the fish oil thread, Altosrata advise To try one capsule for a few days, then increase gradually. That's exactly what I'm going To do.

 

 

@Rhiannon : thank you for your support!

Yes I experience improvments, can't tell how sweet it is To expérience mild anxiety!!! Everytime anxiety increase again I freak out...have To work on that ;)

Share this post


Link to post
composter

Hi @Erell thanks for stopping by on my thread. You have an amazing positive attitude despite the horror you have gone through. The despair, intrusive thoughts, violent thoughts...I’ve been there and you are not alone. I also really love tending to my vegetable garden, it has been so therapeutic for me after I reinstated and waited to stabilize. With time, you will see things really improve. Continue to be patient over the next several months and years. It will pay off.

 

We might be around the same age. I lived with my parents during the worst of my withdrawal and didn’t work for close to a year, but I was so thankful to be with them and receive their care. I hope you have a good support system around you with this. I was immensely grateful to have the support of my family, and yes, I did have to educate them a lot about withdrawal but they believed me every step of the way.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...