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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Erell

Hi @composter !

 

Thank you for your support !

I'm 28...;)

 

Actually Today I don't have a positive attitude 😉 back in a wave of despair and anxiety  I guess. 

Can I ask how long you lived with your parents during WD ?

 

Have a Nice day!

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composter

Hi Erell! Hello from California! I don’t want to say my exact age, but I am a few years younger than you. 

 

It will pass, it will pass. I trust you have a good toolkit of self-calming things that you can turn to. Board games with my parents/friends and walks outside helped me a lot during the worst times.

 

Well I lived with my parents before WD too because I had major health issues stemming from multiple head concussions, but it became an absolute necessity to be with them during my crisis. Of course I was worried that I was not working and not living a productive life, but I was fortunate that they have the resources financially to help me focus on healing. I have really great parents and I am immensely grateful that they supported me. We got a lot closer during this past year as I was focusing on stabilization. I also was able to help them around the house in different ways... I built them a few shelves, organized rooms, and made a vegetable garden. 

 

Don’t feel any shame about living with family, it will only be temporary until you get back on your feet. It took me 8 months to stabilize after I reinstated and then I moved out at the 1 year point of my reinstatement to start grad school. Everyone’s story is different but that is what worked for me. Don’t feel bad about accepting the help of your family, that is what they are there for. From my experience being cared for by them I am so very committed to caring for them when they grow old.

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Erell

@composter : I Feel really happy for you  : you seem To move on and take back your life ! Enjoy it :)

 

Actually, I don't live with my parents, I find it easier To cope in my flat without having To see their fear everyday.

 

I Feel like i'll never Feel normal again, thank you for reminding me things can get better!

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Giulietta

Hello @composter and coucou @Erell

 

I learn a lot from Erell's positive attitude. :)

 

This is a remarkable phenomenon - windows and waves and windows and waves. It does get better. I haven't decided if the tremors and anxiety are worse than the despair or the other way around. 😎

 

I live with my parents, too, and while I am grateful to be here - sometimes I think I would be better off to live on my own. Like you, composter, I lived with my parents before the WD for a number of reasons - including a pre-existing health condition. I have been trying to find my own place - but it is very expensive and I am not working either. I could not have the first 6 months of WD. I am glad you don't feel bad about living with your parents.

 

I used to live in the San Diego area. I loved it. I am much older than you both. ;) I wish I was 28 again.

 

Giuilietta

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Erell

You are all so kind talking about my positive attitude! In a day like Today, full of despair and unable To believe i'll get better, it is Nice To read that I can be positive. It reminds me that I am a smiling person!

 

Actually Guilietta,  there a not symptoms better than others ;) what is hard is their intensity.

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Sassenach

Bonsoir Erell

 

Aujour d'hui je procede sans danger. Je ne dis pas c-----rie.:rolleyes:

 

Lots of posts so I hope a good day for you.

 

Sass

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Erell

Haha! :) You can tell 'ma chère' ;)

 

 

Actually it has been a really rough day : restlessness, anxiety and despair all day, hopeless.

I think I'm back in a wave, trying To surf and not To listen To the voice that tell me I'm stuck and Will always have To live like this  ;)

 

Hope i'll have better news tomorrow!

 

Have a Nice evening!

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Giulietta

Coucou Erell,

 

Sorry you have had a rough day. 🙁  You are not stuck - just in a holding pattern. ;) 

 

Hugs,

 

Giulietta

 

 

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mustafa
3 hours ago, Erell said:

Haha! :) You can tell 'ma chère' ;)

 

 

Actually it has been a really rough day : restlessness, anxiety and despair all day, hopeless.

I think I'm back in a wave, trying To surf and not To listen To the voice that tell me I'm stuck and Will always have To live like this  ;)

 

Hope i'll have better news tomorrow!

 

Have a Nice evening!

Waves seem to be like have no any difference. Every wave is similar to the previous one as if there is no change but I could notice( as I had hard time today and for some time nowadays) that I really had some of gains but remember again , it is like that there is no change however, you can notice the difference in the way your brain think and deal with everyday life actions; brain is healing until you feel the power of it again.

Sleep well, erell.

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Erell

Diary Monday 14 October / day 20 on 10mg Paroxetine

 

7.15am woke up anxious (7)

8am : 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. Still highly anxious. 

10am : tinnitus. Cry.  Restlessness (5)

Despair (7) / internal tremors (6)

11.40am despair  (8). Intrusive thoughts  : I'm stuck in this state forever/ everything is hopeless / quick suicidal thoughts. It Will last an hour.

1.30pm anxiety:7 / despair  : 7 / restlessness  : 6. Cry.  Everything seems meaningless. Unable To imagine à better future. 

3pm Feel a 'urge To Feel normal ' . Cry. 

5pm : Spike of despair, cry.  Hopeless.unable To imagine i'll get better one day.

from 5.20pm : a friend came. It was really Nice To see her. Felt a lot of restlessness while talking To her. She stayed for the night.

10pm : bedtime. Headache. Anxiety: 5 / despair  : 5 / restlessness  : 4.

11.15pm lights off.

 

This night : i might fell asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 7.30 am. Earplugs still.

First thing : oh no, I'm still in hell...

 

 

--》 it feels like I'm back in a wave. 

However I think fish oil might help so i'll keep taking.

 

 

@Guilietta : yes I must be in a waves and window pattern. I try To focus on saturday (i had a moment while I felt almost normal) because this wave is rough!

 

@mustafa : thank you so much for your support ❤ so sorry you're in a bad wave too!

For now I'm not sure that this wave is easier, but you may be right. 

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Sassenach

Good morning

Chin up you know it will get better and better and better until you are well again

Sass

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Erell

I try Sass, I really try my best! 

Today, it's been 3 weeks with 10mg Paroxetine. It is not much I know. Feels like éternity! Especially because I'm stuck in my flat since 3d September. 

 

Like you said, chin up To better days !

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mustafa
5 hours ago, Erell said:

For now I'm not sure that this wave is easier, but you may be right. 

It may be harder or the same but that means your emotions and response to actions is better. The more you feel pain, the more you recover because naturally we should feel pain and not be dulled( if you understand that). 

Nice day to you ❤️

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Giulietta
6 hours ago, Erell said:

Diary Monday 14 October / day 20 on 10mg Paroxetine

 

These days are indeed a bummer. Anxiety. Tremors. Emotions change within the course of a day - or morning.

 

6 hours ago, Erell said:

I'm stuck in this state forever/ everything is hopeless /

 

Nope. It gets better. :) I speak from a place of experience. 

 

6 hours ago, Erell said:

Unable To imagine à better future. 

 

It seems hard - but this is somethign I find helpful and a best practice for elevating spirits and cognitive behavior therapy. Have a goal and visualize yourself succeeding in that goal. Use as many details as you can.

 

I'm glad your friend stayed with you. I think it's important to be used to having people around you and not isolate yourself.

 

Can ou set a goal to get out today? Even for a little walk or in your garden?

 

💗

 

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Erell

@mustafa and @Guilietta : Thank you so much for all your support. Thank you so much @Sassenach too. Without you all I could loose my mind.

 

I'm sorry, I don't Feel able To laugh or tell you positive things Today: I really am in a bad wave of sadness and restlessness. Look forward To tell you some positive things soon!

 

My parents came Today, I'm so sad. Can't tell you how much anxiety and sadness I see in my father's eyes. 

 

I made silly calculations  : saw in my diaries that last wave lasted 8-9days. Tried To cope Today telling me : "Ok, 8 more days and then there Will be a window "...I know there is not such pattern but it helps me To hope.

 

3 hours ago, Guilietta said:

 

These days are indeed a bummer. 

Sorry I dont understand what you mean 😳

 

Love To you all, you're my heroes ❤

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Sassenach

Not been out since 3rd!

So you did not really go to the sea , just dreamed it😎

 

Sass

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Erell
15 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Not been out since 3rd!

So you did not really go to the sea , just dreamed it😎

 

Sass

 I don't understand  😳

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Erell

Oh ok I understand. Sorry if I'm complaining too much. I'm so sorry.

 

I did'nt want To mean that I did'nt go out of my flat,  it was a way To illustrate the changes in my life.

 

So sorry Sass, I did'nt want To upset you 😯

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Sassenach

You are not complaining too much.

I was trying humour.

The bad days always feel like they will last forever, but they will not, you will banish them.

You have been helping others, that makes you a model member.

You will be back to the sea shortly, so we can have a photo of the beach.

 

Sass

Edited by Sassenach
omission

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Erell

Oh Sass ! I'm so stupid ! Sorry! 

I cried because I didn't understand your sentence...then cried because I thought I upset you...then cried because you're so kind...maybe in these times of environmental issues, I could try To re-use my tears 😀

 

I might be too sad To understand humour Today 😄

 

 

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Sassenach
1 minute ago, Erell said:

I could try To re-use my tears 😀

I think your humour is still peeking out, don't ever lose it.

 

You did not upset me, you couldn't you are too nice and caring.

 

Do you like dogs?

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Vegalia

Hi my dear Erell,

 

Nous, pauvres françaises...  maybe not subtle enough to understand scottish humour ?

 :D

 

Courage.

 

Bisous.

 

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Erell

Your sweet words go right To my heart. Thank you.

 

I love dogs. I had one when I was a child, and have so much sweet memories with him 😍

Now that I live in a flat, I don't wanna put a dog in it. I Would prefer To have space To offer him...

I know you had a beloved companion too. It 

I didn't ask you about him, I was afraid it could give you too much sadness. I assume it's him on your picture : so beautiful ! Dogs really are the most amazing companions ❤

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Sassenach

@Vegalia

 

Vous netes pas " pauvres françaises. " tous deux de vous etes trop intelligentes jeunes femmes.

 

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Vegalia

Sass 

 

Are you sarcastic or not?  I préfere not to know. :)

 

And I say you : thank you So much.

 

Good evening. 

 

Vega. 

 

 

 

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Sassenach

No Sarcasm Vega, we have a saying here.

Sarcasm is the lowest type of wit.

 

Erell, check your email inbox.

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Vegalia

:)

 

Bonne soirée Sass.

 

Vega.

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Erell

Love To you both, I love reading you ❤

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Erell

Good morning ! 

 

Diary Tuesday 15 October / day 21 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am : woke up anxious (6)

8am : 10mg Paroxetine  / 1 fish oil capsule 

9am anxiety  : 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair  : 5

10am  restlessness: 7 / anxiety  : 6 / despair  : 5.

We went To a walk outside. Felt a lot of restlessness and anxiety.  Cried.

2pm : Spike of despair, can't stop crying. Lot of restlessness. 

All afternoon has been rough.

9.30pm : bedtime. 

Anxiety  : 5 / sadness: 7 / restlessness  : 5.

10.30 pm : anxiety: 3 / restlessness  : 4 / sadness  : 6

11pm : lights off. Exhausted.

 

This night  : thanks To earplugs, I slept Well until 6.30am. Then I had a slight and anxious sleep until 8am.

 

 

 

--》I didn't log a lot my feelings as I spent the day with my parents. 

I cried a lot. I don't know if it was despair or huge sadness.

Restlessness was rough. Especially in my legs and arms. I don't know what To do with my body and can't stay quiet.

 

Well, dears companions : still in a wave, still learning surfing .

 

Wish you a Nice day. ❤

 

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composter

My friend. Sending much love to you. I have definitely been there with the 8-10 day waves of despair, anxiety, weeping, mourning. You are not alone. It will pass. It will pass. Hold on. Treat yourself well. You will stabilize. Remember, it will take several months to feel like things are truly stabilizing, so take a long-range view rather than a short-term view.

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Erell

Thank you sweet @composter ❤

I'm really grateful for this board  : without you all I Would probably have added other drugs and increased my dose. Now I know it Will pass. Even if my mind doesn't always believe it 😉

Thank you for keeping telling me that it Will pass ❤

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mustafa
4 hours ago, Erell said:

Thank you sweet @composter ❤

I'm really grateful for this board  : without you all I Would probably have added other drugs and increased my dose. Now I know it Will pass. Even if my mind doesn't always believe it 😉

Thank you for keeping telling me that it Will pass ❤

you know what erell,  the hardest part from suffer is that we are despaired of being well again; if you are ok and feel no problem then there is no suffer yet. despair is a part from the suffer and i think when we are ok, we wont be despaired again from the drugs effect; i love beleiving this. i hope we talk soon and being totally weaned off of the drugs.

enjoy your day❤️ and dont forget to have a future plan, you will be ok.

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mustafa
5 hours ago, composter said:

My friend. Sending much love to you. I have definitely been there with the 8-10 day waves of despair, anxiety, weeping, mourning. You are not alone. It will pass. It will pass. Hold on. Treat yourself well. You will stabilize. Remember, it will take several months to feel like things are truly stabilizing, so take a long-range view rather than a short-term view.

that's right. if i understand you that we shouldnt be sticked to our brain healing process symptomts and let it alone to wean, this is helpful;  it takes months.

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Vegalia

Salut Erell,

 

I feel bad today... Anxiety, dépression, despair, cry a little.

 

But, I feel in the same time a furious désire to live  ! And I wished to share it with you. :)

 

 

(Je ressens en même temps une furieuse envie de vivre et de m'en sortir. Je voudrais partager ceci avec toi et te le transmettre.)

 

Bisous

 

Véga.

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Erell

@mustafa : thank you for your support  ❤

Despair is a really hard symptom. And yes, it is related To the fear To never Feel good again. Also related To how much your life has changed, and how much you Feel stuck in a prison. 

We have To keep trying To accept and float, and To keep trying To change the Channel.

Find it really hard Today, lot of intrusive hopeless thoughts telling me that my life is ruined and that i'll never stabilize.

Trying To cope with netflix (so rainy here today) ;)

 

Thinking of you dear mustafa ❤

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

Will catch you later.

 

Did you get the photos I sent to e-mail inbox?

 

Beautiful afternoon here.

 

Sass

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