Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

@Sassenach : Thank you. You're right, I know we all struggle with those around us.

 

Evening approaches, I don't Feel better. I  try To distract, but the strong depressed feelings seems To be stronger than me!

 

I took a second fish oil capsule this noon. It doesn't seem that it has helped me, or maybe a bit less anxiety. At least I tried! 

 

We'll see what tomorrow brings

[rola]

@Erell

salut 

courage erell et sache que personne ne peut comprendre nos maux 

aujourd'hui ça été dur il faut te dire que demain sera meilleur 

change toi les idées dés que tu le peux 

meme si c 'est pas facile 

je t embrasse 😘

[Sassenach]

Bon nuit ma chere

[Cocopuffz17]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

@Guilietta , @mustafa, and @Rhiannon :

Thank you so much for stopping by ❤

Thank you Rhiannon for telling me that I'm doing great : I hear around me sentences like " you should shake yourself and stop crying" and it is terrible To hear while I fight so strongly for life. Those around me seem To start Being tired with me, and I don't know how To make them understand How much I love life.

It is also incredibly Nice To read that you see hope in my situation. I keep thinking about last thursday afternoon To Feel hope.

I try To bear as best as I can. 

 

Thank you all ❤

 

don’t let people around you bring you down. It’s your dream and your life. You have great support here. I know it is challenging. You will get through this. It hasn’t come to stay.... but to pass! 

[Erell]

Good morning.

 

Diary Saturday 19 October/ day 25 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious. Slight anxious sleep until 8am. 

8am : 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : tinnitus (7) / anxiety (6) / despair (5) / restlessness (5)

10am: despair is rough can't stop crying. Went To a walk outside To try To change the Channel.

(went To the pharmacy, they told me that my liquid Deroxat was stockouts.  I panicked and went To several places before finding. I managed To get my meds for one month).

11am : totally crashed in my car . Spike of despair at 9. Thinking it would be Nice if I could die in my sleep. It would be a gift To everybody.

11.30am: back To my flat. Calmed down a bit . Anxiety (6) / restlessness (6) / despair (7)

1pm : took a second fish oil capsule 

From 1pm To 2pm : Spike of despair , cry.  Can't connect with the world around me. Afraid To not be able To bear this anymore. 

3pm : reread my diaries To convince me it Will pass. 

anxiety (6) / despair (7) / restlessness (6)

It Will .be the same all afternoon.

6.30pm: Spike of despair (8). 

8.20pm : bedtime. 

anxiety (6) / despair (7) / restlessness (6). Headache.

10pm : anxiety (5) / despair (6) / restlessness (5).

Feel tired but super tense.

Lights off at 11pm. 

 

This night: fall asleep around 11.30pm. 

woke up highly anxious and it 5.30am. 

Stayed in bed but didn't fall asleep again, too much restlessness.

 

 

--》 Yesterday was so rough. 

--》 Yesterday evening was not as quiet as usual. The only thing that I have changed is taking a second fish oil capsule. Well, it seems it is not good for me.

--》 the fact that my med is stockout trigger me. I managed To find it for one month, hope things will résolve. 

 

In a wave, trying To learn surfing  🏄‍♀️

[rola]

 

hi erell today is another day if you have any concerns for the deroxat I can get some I will send it to you by mail I did not think you were taking it in syrup; Have a nice day my beauty

😘

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Erell, dropping by to say hello. I know it was a tough day yesterday. I want to remind you that you are very early days in with your 10mg Seroxat, a little over three weeks. That is not much time at all, even though on a bad day it probably feels like time is dragging.

This wave will pass. The intrusive thoughts will stop. They are just thoughts, you have to accept that they are there for now, however distressing they are. They are not true.

 

You're doing really well, yes you are.I'm going to try to find the clip I watched on youtube that really helped me to start getting some distance from my anxious/intrusive/obsessive thinking. 

Sending hugs xxxxx 

 

 

[Erell]

Hi @sunnysideup69 ! 

 

Actually I'm on 10mg since 22 August. But then I made silly choices and added lot of suppléments. 

 

It may be silly but when i've read your thread I told myself : ok, after 6 weeks she had good days, so I have To wait 6 weeks and life Will be much more easier. 

Silly also when I see that my last wave lasted 3-4 days, so I told myself all today "tomorrow or Tuesday there Will be a Window" .

I know I'm Being naive..It helps me To cope !

 

I try hard To change the Channel or, AAF,  but I have To admit it is really hard To act and try To ignore my feelings. At least, by trying To change the Channel Today, I've clean a bit my flat 

 

Thank you very much for passing by ! I Will be pleased To see the clip if you find it! 😙

[Giulietta]

Hello dear sweet Erell,

 

I have been thinking of you (as always) and am sorry you had a rough day yesterday.  😢  I think of what a shining bright person you are and you are loving and caring to all of us - even when you are in a bad wave.   I remind myself that it passes. And it does. would be a gift To everybody.

 

You are a gift.

 

Will check in tomorrow.

 

Hugs 💗

 

Guilietta

 

[sunnysideup69]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

 

Actually I'm on 10mg since 22 August. But then I made silly choices and added lot of suppléments. 

 

It may be silly but when i've read your thread I told myself : ok, after 6 weeks she had good days, so I have To wait 6 weeks and life Will be much more easier. 

Silly also when I see that my last wave lasted 3-4 days, so I told myself all today "tomorrow or Tuesday there Will be a Window" .

I know I'm Being naive..It helps me To cope !

 

I try hard To change the Channel or, AAF,  but I have To admit it is really hard To act and try To ignore my feelings. At least, by trying To change the Channel Today, I've clean a bit my flat 

 

Thank you very much for passing by ! I Will be pleased To see the clip if you find it! 😙

 

The clip is above, hope you can see it. I don't think it's silly at all to look at others' timelines. I was doing that a lot, also.If it helps to cope, then it's good.You'll stabilise, more time needs to pass, that is all.

The clip is about recovery from OCD but it's very relevant for coping with intrusive thoughts....

[Erell]

Whouah @Guilietta ! So sweet words ! Can't tell you how sweet it is To read you! You're such an incredible person ❤

Rough day Today again, but it is Nice To start the evening with your support!

 

And @sunnysideup69 : thank you for the  clip ! I Will surely watch it !

And thank you for your support  ❤

[mustafa]

hi @Erell, i have a qustion after reading your signature; from 2008 to 2010, what the drugs you were having?  

i just read your signature and didnt understand.

[Erell]

Hi @mustafa !

Between 2008 and 2010, I had nothing : happy without meds

[Rhiannon]

Good morning Erell! I guess this means it's almost time for me to go to bed... 😄

(It's 2254 here)

[Erell]

-- Good morning. 

 

Diary Sunday 20 October/ day 26 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

5.30am: woke up anxious. Didn't manage To fall asleep again.

7.30am  : anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6

8am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety (6) / restlessness (7) / despair (6).

From 10am To 10.40am: tiny rift : 

anxiety (6) / despair (5) / restlessness (4)

12 : Restlessness is rough, Feel it in my body and in my mind. 

Anxiety : 6 / despair  :6

1pm : tiny rift: anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). It Will last 1hour, with a wave of fatigue. 

2pm : Spike of despair (7). 

3pm : anxiety ( 6) / restlessness (6) / despair (7). + felt totally disconnected with the world.

4pm : anxiety (7) / despair (6) / restlessness (6). Felt psychologically tired of this everyday battle. And physically : I lost a lot of weight and my face is tired.

6pm : tiny rift : anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). It Will last 1hour. 

7pm : anxiety (6) / despair (6) / restlessness (6). Same until 9.30pm. 

8pm : bedtime.  Feel very contracted, my belly is totally knotted.

9.30pm : anxiety (5) / restlessness (5) / despair (5)

10pm: anxiety (4) / restlessness (4) / despair (4).

Lights off at 11pm.

 

I fell asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 6.30am, then slight anxious sleep until 7.30am. 

 

 

 

--》 Yesterday felt a bit easier To manage with despair,  but hard with anxiety.  Evil twins

---》 I think that one of my symptom is my incacapacity To see improvments: everytime I Feel bad, my strongest thought is : "I did'nt have any Windows, things are just getting worse". I have To reread my diaries everytime To convince myself that I actually had Windows!

 

Well my friends, rough days, still trying to surf on the wave 🏄‍♀️

[Erell]

@Rhiannon : 😄 yes, already Monday here ! Time for you To end your Sunday under your blanket 😘

[Sassenach]

Good morning Erell

Did you sleep well?

How are you feeling this morning?

We have a beautiful red sky as the sun rises should be a good day.

How is it it in Brittany?

Going to look through all your diaries today.

Windows are great but an improving baseline is equally important and I think yours is improving slightly but I want to double check.

Sass

 

[Erell]

Good morning dear Sass!

 

I slept from midnight To 6.30am. As long as there are no anxious waking up during the night, I Feel happy  😊

This morning  : classic cortisol Spike, still anxious. 

 

Well I woke up with waterspouts, and now it seems that maybe the sun Will say hello  But everything is possible in Brittany..😄

 

You're so Nice To check my diaries 😮😮 Thank you !!! 

I'm gonna do the same : we Will then be able To compare our thoughts!

[Rhiannon]

Oh dear, I'm still awake and now it's Monday here too. I'd better get to bed. Bonjour bonne nuit!

[Erell]

Bonne nuit @Rhiannon 😙

 

Ok @Sassenach , I've reread my diaries and...I really don't know what To think 😄

 

- I think I had windows on : 2 and 3 October,  12 and 13 October and last Thursday 17 afternoon.

2 days of Windows every 7-8 days. Then 3 days of waves, and a Nice afternoon..but only one afternoon. Thought it would last 2 days as usual, but it did'nt. 

Can't say if my Windows baseline improved. 

 

- a definite improvment is that I don't expérience terror anymore ! In the mean time, waves are still rough and I don't feel they get easier. + restlessness is very rough everytime I'm in a wave. And despair feelings seem To have the same violency.

 

- but in the mean time, I'm more able To go out. Even if it is highly difficult, I go more outside now.

 

- my appetite slightly improved. Not much, but at least I eat other things than bananas.

 

- One thing may have improved a bit : I may accept a bit more my situation. 

When I arrived here, I thought I would be back To work in 2 weeks. Now I know it Will take time. Can't say I totally accept it, but maybe a tiny more. I'm still naïve.. believing that November Will be great..It helps me To cope.

But I still fall in doubts sometimes : did I really experienced Windows? Or am I foolish myself by believing it while actually there are no improvments?

 

 

So Sass, I really don't know if there is an improvment in my baseline. Will be happy To see what you think ! 

 

 

Have a delightful day! 😙

[Vegalia]

Hi @Erell

 

To have hope is not to be naïve.

All is possible.

 

Et n'oublie pas la violette et boule à neige.

 

Je pense bien à toi. 😗

 

Vega.

 

[Erell]

Coucou  @Vegalia 😙

 

Naïve dans le sens où depuis début septembre je me raconte des histoires : dans 2 semaines je reprends le boulot,  la semaine prochaine je vais prendre ma voiture et filer faire un coucou à mes parents,  demain matin je vais me lever de bonne humeur...

Aujourd'hui c'est  : demain je vais avoir une fenêtre, à noël je serai capable d'être en famille,  encore un mois et tout ira mieux...

 

Ces histoires m'aident à garder espoir. Mais elles sont naïves parce qu'elles ne se réalisent pas. 

 

Je m'excuse je suis moralement fatiguée aujourd'hui. 😥

Prends bien soin de toi!

Merci pour ton soutien. ❤

 

(" Naive because since Septembre I tell myself stories : in 2 weeks i'll go back To work, next week i'll drive To say hi To my parents, tomorrow morning i'll wake up in a good mood..

Today it's : tomorrow i'll have a window, I Will be able To spend Christmas with my family out of my flat, one more month of sufferings and everything Will get better...

 

Those stories help To Feel hope. But they are naïve because they don't happen.

 

So sorry I'm psychologically tired Today. 😥

Take good care of yourself. 

Thank you for your support  ❤)

[Vegalia]

Si ça fait du bien il faut se le dire.

Et qui sait à Noël ?

 

Moi aussi moralement fatiguée. Je me disais j'en ai marre, je vais rester couchée toute la journée.

Et puis...je me suis levée au moins pour grignoter. Une part de gâteau au yaourt pour le repas de midi c'est assez nul...

Mais.  J'ai ouvert les volets, aéré la chambre. Je me suis douchée, je suis sortie 15 mn dans le jardin. J'ai vu de nouvelles fleurs et une autre violette. Alors, je vais mettre ces choses positives dans mes notes. De même, hier j'ai réussi à faire ce fameux gâteau au yaourt et j'ai enfin changé les draps : hop dans mes notes personnelles. Je veux essayer d'y ajouter chaque jour quelque chose de positif, même si c'est un pas de fourmis et malgré les souffrances.

 

Je suis obligée de retourner dans le noir car j'ai trop mal à la tête mais...je ne serai pas restée au lit toute la journée.

 

Je me rappellerai que même si ça n'a duré que quelques instants, il y a eu du positif dans la journée.

 

Bises.

 

Vega 

 

(If it feels good it must be said. And who knows at Christmas? Me too morally tired. I thought I'm sick of it, I'll stay in bed all day. And then ... I got up at least to nibble. A piece of yogurt cake for the lunch is pretty bad ... But. I opened the shutters, ventilated the room. I took a shower, I went out 15 minutes in the garden. I saw new flowers and another violet. So, I'm going to put these positive things in my notes. Similarly, yesterday I managed to make this famous yoghurt cake and I finally changed the sheets: hop in my personal notes. I want to try to add something positive every day, even if it is a step of ants and despite the suffering. I have to go back into the dark because I have a lot of headache but ... I will not be in bed all day. I will remember that even if it lasted only a few moments, there was positive in the day Hugs. Vega)

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

How are you doing now?

 

I looked over your post and I see improvements - even though I can't comment on overall baseline. Positives are you are not having terrors, you can go out more and are able to eat a greater variety of food.  Accepting that we have to deal with the WD and waves makes it easier to cope with them.

 

I will write you a letter separately later today but wanted to drop by and see how you are.

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Giuilietta 💗

 

 

[Erell]

Hi dear @Guilietta !

 

I'm not feeling good Today, I Feel tired psychologically. Maybe not despair but strong dépression, like if I wasn't able To Feel desire anymore. But still able To Feel anxiety ! 😐

 

And my parents want To come tomorrow..can't tell them To not come, it would stress them too much. 

 

Hope you're doing Well, lots of hugs 😙

 

[Giulietta]

Dear Erell,

 

About not feeling desire - are you saying you do not have interest in doing something you would usually enjoy? 

 

I do no know what to suggest about your parents planned visit. It sounds like tomorrow may not be a good day for you - but what about later in the week after you hae been able to 'recharge your batteries'? So you are psychologically stronger?  I have had to change plans when I did not have the mental or emotional energy. We don't always know how we will feel when we make plans.

 

On the other hand - maybe you will feel better and wwelcome a visit?

 

Well I hope ou have a restful day.  Here is is cold and windy but hte sun is out. This weekend was very exhausting so I have been very slow doing things this morning. 

 

Hugs,🤗

 

Giuilietta

[Erell]

Yes I hope i'll Feel better tomorrow and enjoy my day with them!

 

No desire : it means that everything seem meaningless, no interest in nothing. For example, I went for a walk in the afternoon and usually, even if I'm anxious, I Feel joy about Being able To go out. Today nothing. No hope. 

I usually visualize myself without WD symptoms, enjoying a good moment with my friends,  To keep believing. But Today it's hard To believe it Will be possible.

 

I'm in a wave

 

Let's hope for a window tomorrow! 🏄‍♀️

 

Have a Nice day dear you !

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

10 hours ago, Erell said:

I think that one of my symptom is my incacapacity To see improvments: everytime I Feel bad, my strongest thought i

 

We all feel like this when we are having bad days, hoorah you W/D normal

Your baseline is not just about windows but very much about the waves.

I have just been through your diaries.

You are fortunate to not have experienced severe insomnia, many do, but your sleep has improved.

Your symptoms are beginning to even out with less extremes and they keep changing which is good.

These changes are small at the moment but very important.

Your more positive attitude is also a major help going forward.

Have the morning cortisol spikes lessened at all?

Remember it is still only one month since all this began although I know it feel like an eternity.

How many cigarettes are you smoking now?

 

Sass

 

 

 

 

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

I think I understand what you mean now. Things that usually make you happy don't. And you may not be confident that you will do things that you usually enjoy. Right?

 

I have such days - and parts of days - where I feel the same way. Isn't it the natural way of life? Things that I usually enjoy I have no interest in. Things that are important to me (and need personal motivation me for to do) I don't do or want to do.

 

One element of having hope is like the "like the little engine that could".  We keep telling ourselves "I think I can, I think I can".  It is confident optimism that we will achieve our goals.  Especially now when I set goals - I tell myself that I will work towards this goal - and if I don't make it - it is OK and we should not treat ourselves poorly.  Some things are disappointing when we don't fulfill goals. I hoped to be at work now too. I am disappointed. But I am pleased that I have almost settled on what  beads of cymbalta to start at.

 

One thing that may help you is to write down what one goal you will feel so great about getting done on a day. Then see if you can accomplish it. If you don't that is OK.  Be kind to yourself like you would to a good friend.  

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta💗

 

 

 

[Erell]

Hi @Sassenach !

 

First of all, I wanna strongly thank you for reading all my diaries. This is a huge work,  and I Feel really grateful for all your help! Thank you !

 

Haha WD normal then ! I was again wondering just an hour ago if I really had Windows...;)

 

I don't think that the morning cortisol has lessened. I still wake up with the same intensity of anxiety. But at least I don't wake up every hour like I've had some nights !

 

Yes only one month : I should celebrate the fact that I've already seen some improvments. I have To admit it is often difficult. And yes it does Feel like éternity: my days look all the same! Waking up anxious, crying, trying To find courage To go out...But I'm happy that you notice improvments  : it is so valuable To have external opinion while stuck in This!

 

The most important thing for me is that you and Rhiannon think that everything is normal! I have some intrusive thoughts that keep telling me something is wrong.

 

I smoke too much, around 20 cigarettes a day. I did'nt smoke this much before this hell, no more than 5 cigarettes. I know it could be activating, but I Feel like my cigarettes give me comfort when things are too hard To cope.

 

Thank you so much for all your support Sass! 

[Rhiannon]

Yes, I agree about improvements. I've been following your story. What I see is pretty much exactly what I expected. All the good signs are there and you are showing improvement quite rapidly. There will be ups and downs but overall you are doing very well and I am quite optimistic for you.

 

Yes, it's still rough these early months, that is normal. That is not a bad sign, it's quite normal. I'm sorry I can't change that for you.

 

Intrusive thoughts and anxiety about what is happening and a general sense that something is wrong, that is also very normal. In fact I would say it is an almost universal symptom with psych med withdrawal.

 

I wouldn't worry about the cigarettes right now, if they seem to be helping you. You can attend to that later when you are feeling strong and stable.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, taking care of yourself, be patient, push yourself a tiny bit whenever you can, rest as much as you need to, eat well when you can. All the things you are doing well are working. There will be waves and windows but if you don't take any new psych meds or do any crazy changes in dose, and you keep taking care of yourself, you are going to heal.

[Erell]

@Rhiannon : Thank you ❤ I know you already told me this, but it is Nice To get réassurance. You're so Nice To take the time To write it To me. I won't do any crazy changes, too afraid of meds now

 

 

Diary 21 October/ day 27 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am : woke up anxious (6). Slight anxious sleep until 7.30am. 

8am : 10mg Paroxetine.  1 fish oil capsule. 

9am : anxiety (6) / restlessness (6) / despair (5).

10.30am : Spike of despair. 

Until 4pm it Will .be: anxiety (6) / despair (6) / restlessness (6).

4pm: comeback from a walk outside. Don't know if it was anhedonia or dépression: it was like if my brain turned off desire or joy. Felt disconnected. It was scary because I did'nt see any reason To continue To live. It lasted around 1hour.

4.30pm : anxiety (6) / despair  (6) / restlessness (6). Tinnitus.

6.15pm : Spike of despair. Cry. 

8pm : anxiety (6) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). Bedtime.

9pm : anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). Headache. 

10pm: same. Lights off at 11pm. 

 

I think I might fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

---》 It was a day at 6 rate. Didn't really had hard Spikes or relief, but a consistant state. And strong dépression. Didn't have my "sweet evening ".

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

You seem much more positive today after @Sass and @Rhiannon .  I am glad you are confident that your situation is progressing as one would expect. Yes - I call it 'WD Normal' or 'the new normal.' 😉

 

I would stay the smoking for now as it is probably relaxing for you. At the right time you can kick the habit! I eat more goodies/sugar on some days than I know that I should. It is not healthy I know - and discouraged for WD -  but it does give me a temporary comfort. So I am not penalizing myself for the treats. I am working to limit the quantity so my clothes still fit. 🤣

 

17 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

taking care of yourself, be patient, push yourself a tiny bit whenever you can, rest as much as you need to, eat well when you can. All the things you are doing well are working.

 

Ditto. 'push yourself a tiny bit whenever you can' is what I mean by setting doable goals - and if you can't do them or anypart of them - it's OK! You might consnider writing down at end the end of the day what you might have done - and that you feel so great about it.  😊

 

Hugs,

 

Giuilietta

 

 

[Erell]

Hi you 😊

 

Yes, I'm so grateful for Sass and Rhiannon's wisdom! I know they basically tell me the same things régularly, but it is so valuable in these times of hard émotions! 

 

Yes, my mood is a bit easier Today. Anxiety is rough ! I Feel like I have stones in my belly and in my throat.

I don't think it's a window, previous Windows were easier.

So a wave, a bit easier To surf Today 🏄‍♀️

 

I Will keep smoking for now, I don't have the courage To quit it 😄 Even if I know it's a bad habit..

 

My parents were with me, so it helped To distract a bit. I think they start To understand How dangerous can be these meds. It's a new way of thinking, so it Will take time. 

 

About goals..my problem is that I have too big goals 😄 

But I keep taking care of myself : bedtime at 8pm, push myself to go outside, try regularly To drive my car, relax and rest, positive list every evening..

I just give up on legs on the wall, my CNS doesn't seem To like

 

 

Big hugs dear Guilietta!

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

No symptoms above 7 and anhedonia comes to visit, mixed fortunes😇👿.

Not really, ongoing changes and improvements, good news.

No big spikes in any one symptom is is sign your CNS may be starting to settle a little.

When the morning cortisol disipates, I would expect to see you calm further.

2 hours ago, Erell said:

My parents were with me, so it helped To distract a bit. I think they start To understand How dangerous can be these meds. It's a new way of thinking, so it Will take time. 

 

This is great news and one less thing to stress about.

Did you manage without crying?

2 hours ago, Erell said:

About goals..my problem is that I have too big goals 😄 

You can't do this, you already admitted one goal is the right man, what's the other?🤐

Congrats for today anyway, W/D normal like the rest of us.

 

Sass

[Erell]

13 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

 

You can't do this, you already admitted one goal is the right man, what's the other?

 

I don't understand, can you explain?

 

I did'nt cry Today 🎉🎉. My dépression and despair stayed at rate 5 😍

Today issue were anxiety and restlessness, mostly at 6. It's like if my cortisol Spike didn't decrease. Constant state of anxiety. But no terror : everytime I remember terror, I Feel grateful for not living in this misérable state anymore !

 

One another stress lifted : I managed To find my meds for another month, so now I have my meds for Two months. 

 

Thank you for saying "WD normal " again