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Erell

Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Vegalia

Hi,

 

Oups, It's my signature.

Sorry. 

Can I do something to help? 

 

Vega

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Sassenach

@Vegalia

 

It is fine Vega we are trying to ensure everything is in a format we usually use so it is easier to assess.

All the info is there just needs sorting so the boss can see quickly🤗

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Vegalia

@Sassenach

 

Yes, I sée. Thank you So much.

Do you want I tell you équivalences in mg for prazepam ? Because all is in Lysanxia drops. 1 drop of Lysanxia = 0,5 mg prazepam.

Veratran = clotiazepam (Half-Life : 4h). 5 mg clotiazepam=0,50 mg xanax = 15 mg prazepam.

 

Vega

Edited by Vegalia
Complement

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Longestroadhome

I find your thread very positive. Yes, you are suffering but still you stay strong and full of hope. If there is one thing that I can say is that the waves do pass. I know at the time they are so awful and feel endless but they do pass. I have to remind myself of this over and over during a wave. It would be so easy to crumble and despair and many times I’ve done that. But it always passes....ALWAYS 🙏❤️

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Erell

Good morning. 

 

Diary Friday 18 October / day 24 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am woke up anxious (5)

8am 10mgParoxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am : lot of anxious intrusive thoughts ( what if I poop out in next days ? Maybe I'll never Feel normal again?)

9am : quick Spike of despair (7) with cries 

10am fear of the future, hard To change the Channel. Tinnitus.

12 : eat a salmon sandwich.

anxiety (6) / despair  (4) / restlessness  (4)

1pm quick Spike of despair (7), hard To Feel hope.

3pm : Tinnitus. Despair (4) / restlessness (5) / anxiety (6). I décide To try To go out : went To the organic grocery, managed To stay 10minutes. 

Then went To the sea : did'nt manage To enjoy it, too anxious.

4.30pm : anxiety (6) / despair (4) / restlessness (6)

6pm : despair (4) / restlessness (5)/ anxiety (6)

8pm bedtime: anxiety (6) / despair (6) / restlessness (5)

10pm : anxiety (5) / despair (4) / restlessness (5).

Lights off at 11pm.

 

This night : I fell asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up anxious at 6.30am then slight anxious sleep until 8am. 

I'm so grateful for these long nights and not waking up every hours!

 

 

 

---》 Hard To tell if yesterday was a window: the day was easier in terms of despair, but anxiety was présent and didn't decrease in thé day...

 

 

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Erell

@Longestroadhome : thank you for taking the time To stop by here !

I'm back in a violent wave Today, and it helps To read your sweet words.

I may have experienced my most violent Spike of despair this morning. 

I have To remind it Will pass.

Thank you ❤

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mustafa
7 hours ago, Erell said:

Good morning. 

 

Diary Friday 18 October / day 24 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am woke up anxious (5)

8am 10mgParoxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am : lot of anxious intrusive thoughts ( what if I poop out in next days ? Maybe I'll never Feel normal again?)

9am : quick Spike of despair (7) with cries 

10am fear of the future, hard To change the Channel. Tinnitus.

12 : eat a salmon sandwich.

anxiety (6) / despair  (4) / restlessness  (4)

1pm quick Spike of despair (7), hard To Feel hope.

3pm : Tinnitus. Despair (4) / restlessness (5) / anxiety (6). I décide To try To go out : went To the organic grocery, managed To stay 10minutes. 

Then went To the sea : did'nt manage To enjoy it, too anxious.

4.30pm : anxiety (6) / despair (4) / restlessness (6)

6pm : despair (4) / restlessness (5)/ anxiety (6)

8pm bedtime: anxiety (6) / despair (6) / restlessness (5)

10pm : anxiety (5) / despair (4) / restlessness (5).

Lights off at 11pm.

 

This night : I fell asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up anxious at 6.30am then slight anxious sleep until 8am. 

I'm so grateful for these long nights and not waking up every hours!

 

 

 

---》 Hard To tell if yesterday was a window: the day was easier in terms of despair, but anxiety was présent and didn't decrease in thé day...

 

 

hello erell , the more you feel anxious, the closer to recovery you are.

take care that fish oil capsules may be stimulating to your symptomts,  this happened for me so try to know if this is right  to you too.

feeling more and more anxiety and the desire of screaming is good for any person want to survive and get his life back.

enjoy your day

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

Sorry about your wave of despair. Telling yourself it will pass - as you know it will - acknowledging that is here for the moment - is the thing to do. It becomes a way of life for a period doesn't it. 😕

 

Sending hugs,

 

💗

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Rhiannon

Hello Erell, just stopping by for a quick hug. 

 

I know what you are feeling is despair, but as I follow your progress I see nothing but hope. It is going to be hard, these first months are always tough, but you are improving gradually, through your waves and windows. It all looks very good to me. Hang in there, keep going. You are doing great.

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Guilietta

Hello again

 

Just thinking of something that kept me going through the difficult times. The MD told me that I was not going to feel well. He told me I would have physical symptoms (not in any detail). He also told me 'you may think you are going out of your mind.' (not joking) I had no idea to what extent -🤣 but he was right. I am so glad that he was up front. If I hadn't known this it would have been harder to bear. 

 

You have us. And we have you. :) 

 

 

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Erell

@Guilietta , @mustafa, and @Rhiannon :

Thank you so much for stopping by ❤

Thank you Rhiannon for telling me that I'm doing great : I hear around me sentences like " you should shake yourself and stop crying" and it is terrible To hear while I fight so strongly for life. Those around me seem To start Being tired with me, and I don't know how To make them understand How much I love life.

It is also incredibly Nice To read that you see hope in my situation. I keep thinking about last thursday afternoon To Feel hope.

I try To bear as best as I can. 

 

Thank you all ❤

 

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

Sorry to hear you are having a rotten day.

3 minutes ago, Erell said:

Those around me seem To start Being tired with me, and I don't know how To make them understand How much I love life.

You have spent a lot of time on here so I am sure you know by now this happens.

I maybe lucky but my attitude is simple, I don't care what anyone thinks because I will prove them wrong.

And now I am doing just that.

The only one who matters at the moment is you.

When you return to being your old self you will be amazed how quickly, you and those around you forget the hurt and pain.

It is why it is difficult for many people to come back and write their success stories.

Who can blame them, not me for sure.

Health is Happiness for all of us and we will all get there.

Please also remember you are helping others when you are able.

Are you feeling any better as the evening approaches?

 

Sass

 

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Erell

@Sassenach : Thank you. You're right, I know we all struggle with those around us.

 

Evening approaches, I don't Feel better. I  try To distract, but the strong depressed feelings seems To be stronger than me!

 

I took a second fish oil capsule this noon. It doesn't seem that it has helped me, or maybe a bit less anxiety. At least I tried! 

 

We'll see what tomorrow brings ;)

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rola

@Erell

salut 

courage erell et sache que personne ne peut comprendre nos maux 

aujourd'hui ça été dur il faut te dire que demain sera meilleur 

change toi les idées dés que tu le peux 

meme si c 'est pas facile 

je t embrasse 😘

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Sassenach

Bon nuit ma chere

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Cocopuffz17
1 hour ago, Erell said:

@Guilietta , @mustafa, and @Rhiannon :

Thank you so much for stopping by ❤

Thank you Rhiannon for telling me that I'm doing great : I hear around me sentences like " you should shake yourself and stop crying" and it is terrible To hear while I fight so strongly for life. Those around me seem To start Being tired with me, and I don't know how To make them understand How much I love life.

It is also incredibly Nice To read that you see hope in my situation. I keep thinking about last thursday afternoon To Feel hope.

I try To bear as best as I can. 

 

Thank you all ❤

 


don’t let people around you bring you down. It’s your dream and your life. You have great support here. I know it is challenging. You will get through this. It hasn’t come to stay.... but to pass! 

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Erell

Good morning.

 

Diary Saturday 19 October/ day 25 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious. Slight anxious sleep until 8am. 

8am 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : tinnitus (7) / anxiety (6) / despair (5) / restlessness (5)

10am: despair is rough can't stop crying. Went To a walk outside To try To change the Channel.

(went To the pharmacy, they told me that my liquid Deroxat was stockouts.  I panicked and went To several places before finding. I managed To get my meds for one month).

11am : totally crashed in my car . Spike of despair at 9. Thinking it would be Nice if I could die in my sleep. It would be a gift To everybody.

11.30am: back To my flat. Calmed down a bit . Anxiety (6) / restlessness (6) / despair (7)

1pm took a second fish oil capsule 

From 1pm To 2pm : Spike of despair , cry.  Can't connect with the world around me. Afraid To not be able To bear this anymore. 

3pm : reread my diaries To convince me it Will pass. 

anxiety (6) / despair (7) / restlessness (6)

It Will .be the same all afternoon.

6.30pm: Spike of despair (8). 

8.20pm : bedtime. 

anxiety (6) / despair (7) / restlessness (6). Headache.

10pm : anxiety (5) / despair (6) / restlessness (5).

Feel tired but super tense.

Lights off at 11pm. 

 

This night: fall asleep around 11.30pm. 

woke up highly anxious and it 5.30am. 

Stayed in bed but didn't fall asleep again, too much restlessness.

 

 

--》 Yesterday was so rough. 

--》 Yesterday evening was not as quiet as usual. The only thing that I have changed is taking a second fish oil capsule. Well, it seems it is not good for me.

--》 the fact that my med is stockout trigger me. I managed To find it for one month, hope things will résolve. 

 

In a wave, trying To learn surfing  🏄‍♀️

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rola

 

hi erell today is another day if you have any concerns for the deroxat I can get some I will send it to you by mail I did not think you were taking it in syrup; Have a nice day my beauty

😘

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sunnysideup69

Hey @Erell, dropping by to say hello. I know it was a tough day yesterday. I want to remind you that you are very early days in with your 10mg Seroxat, a little over three weeks. That is not much time at all, even though on a bad day it probably feels like time is dragging.

This wave will pass. The intrusive thoughts will stop. They are just thoughts, you have to accept that they are there for now, however distressing they are. They are not true.

 

You're doing really well, yes you are.I'm going to try to find the clip I watched on youtube that really helped me to start getting some distance from my anxious/intrusive/obsessive thinking. 

Sending hugs xxxxx 

 

 

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Erell

Hi @sunnysideup69 ! 

 

Actually I'm on 10mg since 22 August. But then I made silly choices and added lot of suppléments. 

 

It may be silly but when i've read your thread I told myself : ok, after 6 weeks she had good days, so I have To wait 6 weeks and life Will be much more easier. 

Silly also when I see that my last wave lasted 3-4 days, so I told myself all today "tomorrow or Tuesday there Will be a Window" .

I know I'm Being naive..It helps me To cope ! ;)

 

I try hard To change the Channel or, AAF,  but I have To admit it is really hard To act and try To ignore my feelings. At least, by trying To change the Channel Today, I've clean a bit my flat  ;)

 

Thank you very much for passing by ! I Will be pleased To see the clip if you find it! 😙

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Guilietta

Hello dear sweet Erell,

 

I have been thinking of you (as always) and am sorry you had a rough day yesterday.  😢  I think of what a shining bright person you are and you are loving and caring to all of us - even when you are in a bad wave.   I remind myself that it passes. And it does. would be a gift To everybody.

 

You are a gift.

 

Will check in tomorrow.

 

Hugs 💗

 

Guilietta

 

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sunnysideup69
1 hour ago, Erell said:

 

Actually I'm on 10mg since 22 August. But then I made silly choices and added lot of suppléments. 

 

It may be silly but when i've read your thread I told myself : ok, after 6 weeks she had good days, so I have To wait 6 weeks and life Will be much more easier. 

Silly also when I see that my last wave lasted 3-4 days, so I told myself all today "tomorrow or Tuesday there Will be a Window" .

I know I'm Being naive..It helps me To cope ! ;)

 

I try hard To change the Channel or, AAF,  but I have To admit it is really hard To act and try To ignore my feelings. At least, by trying To change the Channel Today, I've clean a bit my flat  ;)

 

Thank you very much for passing by ! I Will be pleased To see the clip if you find it! 😙

 

The clip is above, hope you can see it. I don't think it's silly at all to look at others' timelines. I was doing that a lot, also.If it helps to cope, then it's good.You'll stabilise, more time needs to pass, that is all.

The clip is about recovery from OCD but it's very relevant for coping with intrusive thoughts....

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Erell

Whouah @Guilietta ! So sweet words ! Can't tell you how sweet it is To read you! You're such an incredible person ❤

Rough day Today again, but it is Nice To start the evening with your support!

 

And @sunnysideup69 : thank you for the  clip ! I Will surely watch it !

And thank you for your support  ❤

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mustafa

hi @Erell, i have a qustion after reading your signature; from 2008 to 2010, what the drugs you were having?  

i just read your signature and didnt understand.

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Erell

Hi @mustafa !

Between 2008 and 2010, I had nothing : happy without meds ;)

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Rhiannon

Good morning Erell! I guess this means it's almost time for me to go to bed... 😄

(It's 2254 here)

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Erell

-- Good morning. 

 

Diary Sunday 20 October/ day 26 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

5.30am: woke up anxious. Didn't manage To fall asleep again.

7.30am  anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6

8am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety (6) / restlessness (7) / despair (6).

From 10am To 10.40am: tiny rift : 

anxiety (6) / despair (5) / restlessness (4)

12 : Restlessness is rough, Feel it in my body and in my mind. 

Anxiety : 6 / despair  :6

1pm : tiny rift: anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). It Will last 1hour, with a wave of fatigue. 

2pm : Spike of despair (7). 

3pm : anxiety ( 6) / restlessness (6) / despair (7). + felt totally disconnected with the world.

4pm : anxiety (7) / despair (6) / restlessness (6). Felt psychologically tired of this everyday battle. And physically : I lost a lot of weight and my face is tired.

6pm : tiny rift : anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). It Will last 1hour. 

7pm anxiety (6) / despair (6) / restlessness (6). Same until 9.30pm. 

8pm bedtime.  Feel very contracted, my belly is totally knotted.

9.30pm : anxiety (5) / restlessness (5) / despair (5)

10pm: anxiety (4) / restlessness (4) / despair (4).

Lights off at 11pm.

 

I fell asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 6.30am, then slight anxious sleep until 7.30am. 

 

 

 

--》 Yesterday felt a bit easier To manage with despair,  but hard with anxiety.  Evil twins ;)

---》 I think that one of my symptom is my incacapacity To see improvments: everytime I Feel bad, my strongest thought is : "I did'nt have any Windows, things are just getting worse". I have To reread my diaries everytime To convince myself that I actually had Windows!

 

Well my friends, rough days, still trying to surf on the wave 🏄‍♀️

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Erell

@Rhiannon : 😄 yes, already Monday here ! Time for you To end your Sunday under your blanket 😘

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Sassenach

Good morning Erell

Did you sleep well?

How are you feeling this morning?

We have a beautiful red sky as the sun rises should be a good day.

How is it it in Brittany?

Going to look through all your diaries today.

Windows are great but an improving baseline is equally important and I think yours is improving slightly but I want to double check.

Sass

 

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Erell

Good morning dear Sass!

 

I slept from midnight To 6.30am. As long as there are no anxious waking up during the night, I Feel happy  😊

This morning  : classic cortisol Spike, still anxious. 

 

Well I woke up with waterspouts, and now it seems that maybe the sun Will say hello ;) But everything is possible in Brittany..😄

 

You're so Nice To check my diaries 😮😮 Thank you !!! 

I'm gonna do the same : we Will then be able To compare our thoughts!

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Rhiannon

Oh dear, I'm still awake and now it's Monday here too. I'd better get to bed. Bonjour bonne nuit!

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Erell

Bonne nuit @Rhiannon 😙

 

Ok @Sassenach , I've reread my diaries and...I really don't know what To think 😄

 

- I think I had windows on : 2 and 3 October,  12 and 13 October and last Thursday 17 afternoon.

2 days of Windows every 7-8 days. Then 3 days of waves, and a Nice afternoon..but only one afternoon. Thought it would last 2 days as usual, but it did'nt. 

Can't say if my Windows baseline improved. 

 

- a definite improvment is that I don't expérience terror anymore ! In the mean time, waves are still rough and I don't feel they get easier. + restlessness is very rough everytime I'm in a wave. And despair feelings seem To have the same violency.

 

- but in the mean time, I'm more able To go out. Even if it is highly difficult, I go more outside now.

 

- my appetite slightly improved. Not much, but at least I eat other things than bananas.

 

- One thing may have improved a bit : I may accept a bit more my situation. 

When I arrived here, I thought I would be back To work in 2 weeks. Now I know it Will take time. Can't say I totally accept it, but maybe a tiny more. I'm still naïve.. believing that November Will be great..It helps me To cope.

But I still fall in doubts sometimes : did I really experienced Windows? Or am I foolish myself by believing it while actually there are no improvments?

 

 

So Sass, I really don't know if there is an improvment in my baseline. Will be happy To see what you think ! 

 

 

Have a delightful day! 😙

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Vegalia

Hi @Erell

 

To have hope is not to be naïve.

All is possible.

 

Et n'oublie pas la violette et boule à neige. ;)

 

Je pense bien à toi. 😗

 

Vega.

 

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Erell

Coucou  @Vegalia 😙

 

Naïve dans le sens où depuis début septembre je me raconte des histoires : dans 2 semaines je reprends le boulot,  la semaine prochaine je vais prendre ma voiture et filer faire un coucou à mes parents,  demain matin je vais me lever de bonne humeur...

Aujourd'hui c'est  : demain je vais avoir une fenêtre, à noël je serai capable d'être en famille,  encore un mois et tout ira mieux...

 

Ces histoires m'aident à garder espoir. Mais elles sont naïves parce qu'elles ne se réalisent pas. 

 

Je m'excuse je suis moralement fatiguée aujourd'hui. 😥

Prends bien soin de toi!

Merci pour ton soutien. ❤

 

(" Naive because since Septembre I tell myself stories : in 2 weeks i'll go back To work, next week i'll drive To say hi To my parents, tomorrow morning i'll wake up in a good mood..

Today it's : tomorrow i'll have a window, I Will be able To spend Christmas with my family out of my flat, one more month of sufferings and everything Will get better...

 

Those stories help To Feel hope. But they are naïve because they don't happen.

 

So sorry I'm psychologically tired Today. 😥

Take good care of yourself. 

Thank you for your support  ❤)

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Vegalia

Si ça fait du bien il faut se le dire.

Et qui sait à Noël ?

 

Moi aussi moralement fatiguée. Je me disais j'en ai marre, je vais rester couchée toute la journée.

Et puis...je me suis levée au moins pour grignoter. Une part de gâteau au yaourt pour le repas de midi c'est assez nul...

Mais.  J'ai ouvert les volets, aéré la chambre. Je me suis douchée, je suis sortie 15 mn dans le jardin. J'ai vu de nouvelles fleurs et une autre violette. Alors, je vais mettre ces choses positives dans mes notes. De même, hier j'ai réussi à faire ce fameux gâteau au yaourt et j'ai enfin changé les draps : hop dans mes notes personnelles. Je veux essayer d'y ajouter chaque jour quelque chose de positif, même si c'est un pas de fourmis et malgré les souffrances.

 

Je suis obligée de retourner dans le noir car j'ai trop mal à la tête mais...je ne serai pas restée au lit toute la journée. :)

 

Je me rappellerai que même si ça n'a duré que quelques instants, il y a eu du positif dans la journée.

 

Bises.

 

Vega 

 

(If it feels good it must be said. And who knows at Christmas? Me too morally tired. I thought I'm sick of it, I'll stay in bed all day. And then ... I got up at least to nibble. A piece of yogurt cake for the lunch is pretty bad ... But. I opened the shutters, ventilated the room. I took a shower, I went out 15 minutes in the garden. I saw new flowers and another violet. So, I'm going to put these positive things in my notes. Similarly, yesterday I managed to make this famous yoghurt cake and I finally changed the sheets: hop in my personal notes. I want to try to add something positive every day, even if it is a step of ants and despite the suffering. I have to go back into the dark because I have a lot of headache but ... I will not be in bed all day. :) I will remember that even if it lasted only a few moments, there was positive in the day Hugs. Vega)

 

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

How are you doing now?

 

I looked over your post and I see improvements - even though I can't comment on overall baseline. Positives are you are not having terrors, you can go out more and are able to eat a greater variety of food.  Accepting that we have to deal with the WD and waves makes it easier to cope with them.

 

I will write you a letter separately later today but wanted to drop by and see how you are. :)

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Giuilietta 💗

 

 

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