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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Erell

Hi dear @Guilietta !

 

I'm not feeling good Today, I Feel tired psychologically. Maybe not despair but strong dépression, like if I wasn't able To Feel desire anymore. But still able To Feel anxiety ! 😐

 

And my parents want To come tomorrow..can't tell them To not come, it would stress them too much. 

 

Hope you're doing Well, lots of hugs 😙

 

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Guilietta

Dear Erell,

 

About not feeling desire - are you saying you do not have interest in doing something you would usually enjoy? 

 

I do no know what to suggest about your parents planned visit. It sounds like tomorrow may not be a good day for you - but what about later in the week after you hae been able to 'recharge your batteries'? So you are psychologically stronger?  I have had to change plans when I did not have the mental or emotional energy. We don't always know how we will feel when we make plans.

 

On the other hand - maybe you will feel better and wwelcome a visit?

 

Well I hope ou have a restful day.  Here is is cold and windy but hte sun is out. This weekend was very exhausting so I have been very slow doing things this morning.  :)

 

Hugs,🤗

 

Giuilietta

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Erell

Yes I hope i'll Feel better tomorrow and enjoy my day with them!

 

No desire : it means that everything seem meaningless, no interest in nothing. For example, I went for a walk in the afternoon and usually, even if I'm anxious, I Feel joy about Being able To go out. Today nothing. No hope. 

I usually visualize myself without WD symptoms, enjoying a good moment with my friends,  To keep believing. But Today it's hard To believe it Will be possible.

 

I'm in a wave ;)

 

Let's hope for a window tomorrow! 🏄‍♀️

 

Have a Nice day dear you !

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

10 hours ago, Erell said:

I think that one of my symptom is my incacapacity To see improvments: everytime I Feel bad, my strongest thought i

 

We all feel like this when we are having bad days, hoorah you W/D normal:rolleyes:

Your baseline is not just about windows but very much about the waves.

I have just been through your diaries.

You are fortunate to not have experienced severe insomnia, many do, but your sleep has improved.

Your symptoms are beginning to even out with less extremes and they keep changing which is good.

These changes are small at the moment but very important.

Your more positive attitude is also a major help going forward.

Have the morning cortisol spikes lessened at all?

Remember it is still only one month since all this began although I know it feel like an eternity.

How many cigarettes are you smoking now?

 

Sass

 

 

 

 

 

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

I think I understand what you mean now. Things that usually make you happy don't. And you may not be confident that you will do things that you usually enjoy. Right?

 

I have such days - and parts of days - where I feel the same way. Isn't it the natural way of life? Things that I usually enjoy I have no interest in. Things that are important to me (and need personal motivation me for to do) I don't do or want to do.

 

One element of having hope is like the "like the little engine that could".  We keep telling ourselves "I think I can, I think I can".  It is confident optimism that we will achieve our goals.  Especially now when I set goals - I tell myself that I will work towards this goal - and if I don't make it - it is OK and we should not treat ourselves poorly.  Some things are disappointing when we don't fulfill goals. I hoped to be at work now too. I am disappointed. But I am pleased that I have almost settled on what  beads of cymbalta to start at. :)

 

One thing that may help you is to write down what one goal you will feel so great about getting done on a day. Then see if you can accomplish it. If you don't that is OK.  Be kind to yourself like you would to a good friend.  

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta💗

 

 

 

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Erell

Hi @Sassenach !

 

First of all, I wanna strongly thank you for reading all my diaries. This is a huge work,  and I Feel really grateful for all your help! Thank you !

 

Haha WD normal then ! ;) I was again wondering just an hour ago if I really had Windows...;)

 

I don't think that the morning cortisol has lessened. I still wake up with the same intensity of anxiety. But at least I don't wake up every hour like I've had some nights !

 

Yes only one month : I should celebrate the fact that I've already seen some improvments. I have To admit it is often difficult. And yes it does Feel like éternity: my days look all the same! Waking up anxious, crying, trying To find courage To go out...But I'm happy that you notice improvments  : it is so valuable To have external opinion while stuck in This!

 

The most important thing for me is that you and Rhiannon think that everything is normal! I have some intrusive thoughts that keep telling me something is wrong.

 

I smoke too much, around 20 cigarettes a day. I did'nt smoke this much before this hell, no more than 5 cigarettes. I know it could be activating, but I Feel like my cigarettes give me comfort when things are too hard To cope.

 

Thank you so much for all your support Sass! 

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Rhiannon

Yes, I agree about improvements. I've been following your story. What I see is pretty much exactly what I expected. All the good signs are there and you are showing improvement quite rapidly. There will be ups and downs but overall you are doing very well and I am quite optimistic for you.

 

Yes, it's still rough these early months, that is normal. That is not a bad sign, it's quite normal. I'm sorry I can't change that for you.

 

Intrusive thoughts and anxiety about what is happening and a general sense that something is wrong, that is also very normal. In fact I would say it is an almost universal symptom with psych med withdrawal.

 

I wouldn't worry about the cigarettes right now, if they seem to be helping you. You can attend to that later when you are feeling strong and stable.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, taking care of yourself, be patient, push yourself a tiny bit whenever you can, rest as much as you need to, eat well when you can. All the things you are doing well are working. There will be waves and windows but if you don't take any new psych meds or do any crazy changes in dose, and you keep taking care of yourself, you are going to heal.

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Erell

@Rhiannon : Thank you ❤ I know you already told me this, but it is Nice To get réassurance. You're so Nice To take the time To write it To me. I won't do any crazy changes, too afraid of meds now ;)

 

 

Diary 21 October/ day 27 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am : woke up anxious (6). Slight anxious sleep until 7.30am. 

8am : 10mg Paroxetine.  1 fish oil capsule. 

9am anxiety (6) / restlessness (6) / despair (5).

10.30am : Spike of despair. 

Until 4pm it Will .be: anxiety (6) / despair (6) / restlessness (6).

4pm: comeback from a walk outside. Don't know if it was anhedonia or dépression: it was like if my brain turned off desire or joy. Felt disconnected. It was scary because I did'nt see any reason To continue To live. It lasted around 1hour.

4.30pm : anxiety (6) / despair  (6) / restlessness (6). Tinnitus.

6.15pm : Spike of despair. Cry. 

8pm : anxiety (6) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). Bedtime.

9pm : anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5). Headache. 

10pm: same. Lights off at 11pm. 

 

I think I might fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

---》 It was a day at 6 rate. Didn't really had hard Spikes or relief, but a consistant state. And strong dépression. Didn't have my "sweet evening ".

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

You seem much more positive today after @Sass and @Rhiannon .  I am glad you are confident that your situation is progressing as one would expect. Yes - I call it 'WD Normal' or 'the new normal.' 😉

 

I would stay the smoking for now as it is probably relaxing for you. At the right time you can kick the habit! I eat more goodies/sugar on some days than I know that I should. It is not healthy I know - and discouraged for WD -  but it does give me a temporary comfort. So I am not penalizing myself for the treats. I am working to limit the quantity so my clothes still fit. 🤣

 

17 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

taking care of yourself, be patient, push yourself a tiny bit whenever you can, rest as much as you need to, eat well when you can. All the things you are doing well are working.

 

Ditto. 'push yourself a tiny bit whenever you can' is what I mean by setting doable goals - and if you can't do them or anypart of them - it's OK! You might consnider writing down at end the end of the day what you might have done - and that you feel so great about it.  😊

 

Hugs,

 

Giuilietta

 

 

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Erell

Hi you 😊

 

Yes, I'm so grateful for Sass and Rhiannon's wisdom! I know they basically tell me the same things régularly, but it is so valuable in these times of hard émotions! 

 

Yes, my mood is a bit easier Today. Anxiety is rough ! I Feel like I have stones in my belly and in my throat.

I don't think it's a window, previous Windows were easier.

So a wave, a bit easier To surf Today 🏄‍♀️

;)

 

I Will keep smoking for now, I don't have the courage To quit it 😄 Even if I know it's a bad habit..

 

My parents were with me, so it helped To distract a bit. I think they start To understand How dangerous can be these meds. It's a new way of thinking, so it Will take time. 

 

About goals..my problem is that I have too big goals 😄 

But I keep taking care of myself : bedtime at 8pm, push myself to go outside, try regularly To drive my car, relax and rest, positive list every evening..

I just give up on legs on the wall, my CNS doesn't seem To like ;)

 

 

Big hugs dear Guilietta!

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

No symptoms above 7 and anhedonia comes to visit, mixed fortunes😇👿.

Not really, ongoing changes and improvements, good news.

No big spikes in any one symptom is is sign your CNS may be starting to settle a little.

When the morning cortisol disipates, I would expect to see you calm further.

2 hours ago, Erell said:

My parents were with me, so it helped To distract a bit. I think they start To understand How dangerous can be these meds. It's a new way of thinking, so it Will take time. 

 

This is great news and one less thing to stress about.

Did you manage without crying?

2 hours ago, Erell said:

About goals..my problem is that I have too big goals 😄 

You can't do this, you already admitted one goal is the right man, what's the other?🤐

Congrats for today anyway, W/D normal like the rest of us.

 

Sass

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Erell
13 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

 

You can't do this, you already admitted one goal is the right man, what's the other?

 

I don't understand, can you explain?

 

I did'nt cry Today 🎉🎉. My dépression and despair stayed at rate 5 😍

Today issue were anxiety and restlessness, mostly at 6. It's like if my cortisol Spike didn't decrease. Constant state of anxiety. But no terror : everytime I remember terror, I Feel grateful for not living in this misérable state anymore !

 

One another stress lifted : I managed To find my meds for another month, so now I have my meds for Two months. 

 

Thank you for saying "WD normal " again ;)

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sunnysideup69

Glad your day was a bit easier today and thank you for all your encouragement on my thread. It's awful that other people suffer from these meds, but also good to know other people understand. I'm back in my cave and I feel calmer, my home really is my little healing retreat. Watching a lovely sunset :) Even after a high anxiety day, I can still find the beauty in the sunset. Rest well xxx

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Sassenach
39 minutes ago, Erell said:

I don't understand, can you explain?

I was asking what is the other goal. Did not expect you tell us though, secret.:blush:

 

Dormez bien

 

Sass

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Guilietta

Hello darlin' (as southerners in the US often greet each other) :)

 

I see today was a good day - I am so pleased for you and I am very happy too.  Yes - it is WD normal - and for a while it is different kinds of  'new normal.'

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I Feel like I have stones in my belly and in my throat.

 

Yes. I have been having these as well - my upper gut has dull pain. I feel like I have trouble swallowing. I just tell me that this anxiety and relax and it will pass. It is a bit uncomfortable but knowing what is I am much better with it. ;)

 

Glad you had a good visit with your parents. Wasn't it good that they could see you and perhaps feeling better? 

 

Good work on good evening habits to ready yourself for a peaceful and good night's sleep. I may not get to respond to your letter tonight. I was out this morining and now must do some, er, organizing of papers (world's worst job).

 

Big hugs,

 

Giuilietta 💗

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Erell

Good morning.

 

@Sassenach : hum not sure what you mean but I think I Guess it. Still hard To understand all the subtleties in English!

@Guilietta : yes I'm glad my parents saw me without cries!

 

Diary Tuesday 22 October/ day 28 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am  woke up anxious (6)

8am: 10mg Paroxetine/ 1 fish oil capsule 

9am: anxiety (6)/ despair (5)/ restlessness (5).

Bit nauseas.

10am anxiety (6) / restlessness (6) / despair (5). It Will be the same all day.

4pm little Spike of despair (6).

6.30pm anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5).

8.30pm: bedtime. 

10pm: anxiety (5)/ despair (4) / restlessness (4)

11pm : anxiety (4) / despair (3) / restlessness (3).

Lights off.

 

I fall asleep between 11.30pm and midnight. Woke up anxious (6) this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

 

--》 not a window, but a wave a bit easier To surf  🏄‍♀️ especially because my mood is easier !

It was a mixed : no real rift or relief(except in the evening), but no big Spikes. My state stayed pretty consistant all day.

one positive Today: I had appetite! 

 

Well, let's continue To surf this wave 🏄‍♀️ !

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sunnysideup69
1 minute ago, Erell said:

Good morning.

 

@Sassenach : hum not sure what you mean but I think I Guess it. Still hard To understand all the subtleties in English!

@Guilietta : yes I'm glad my parents saw me without cries!

 

Diary Tuesday 22 October/ day 28 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am  woke up anxious (6)

8am: 10mg Paroxetine/ 1 fish oil capsule 

9am: anxiety (6)/ despair (5)/ restlessness (5).

Bit nauseas.

10am anxiety (6) / restlessness (6) / despair (5). It Will be the same all day.

4pm little Spike of despair (6).

6.30pm anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5).

8.30pm: bedtime. 

10pm: anxiety (5)/ despair (4) / restlessness (4)

11pm : anxiety (4) / despair (3) / restlessness (3).

Lights off.

 

I fall asleep between 11.30pm and midnight. Woke up anxious (6) this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

 

--》 not a window, but a wave a bit easier To surf  🏄‍♀️ especially because my mood is easier !

It was a mixed : no real rift or relief(except in the evening), but no big Spikes. My state stayed pretty consistant all day.

 

Well, let's continue To surf this wave 🏄‍♀️ !

Good stuff @Erell, you're doing great! Quite a stable day even with the anxiety and despair there. xxx

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Erell

@sunnysideup69 : thank you for your support, strongly appreciate. 

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Guilietta

I bet you are very happy about yesterday's good day yesterday!  Mood and anxiety seem much better - and were interested in eating. 😁

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Erell

Well actually it is a weird day. Anxiety stayed mostly at 5. And restlessness at 4/5. I should be celebrating. I know it. And I can't.

No joy, no feeling of relief Today: only a strong feeling of Being a stranger in this world. I'm depressed in my flat. I'm depressed outside, seeing all these people living a normal life. I cry because I feel too disconnected of everybody, and jealous.

My daily fighting routine exhaust me psychologically. Like : what is the point To wake up ? Whatever I do or try, it Will still be a day of suffering.

I Feel like i'll never have the keys To be part of this world anymore after 2 months mostly in my flat.

 

I also know that people are feeling worse, are bedbounded. I know I should Feel joy and be grateful with my state. And I can't. It's like if someone had put a hat of sadness on me. And all I can Feel is sadness for all people here : I can't stand the fact that you are all suffering too. 

 

I'm worried about constancy these past few days. I've read somewhere here that stabilisation is when there are no more big swings in symptoms. This is not the stabilisation I expected. I think I could live with 3/4 rate. But not like this. I Feel cut of normal. And unable To be back in this normal. 

 

Don't Feel like you need To reply,  I think I need To vent and it is the only place where I can. Also, I know I already use your time too much. I apologize for Being such a négative person.

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Vegalia

Coucou Erell,

 

Même sentiment parfois en allant sur Facebook. J'y vais moins d'ailleurs.

Les gens qui peuvent sortir, mettent des photos de vacances avec leurs enfants...

Je me disais ce matin m... Qu'est ce que j'ai fait pour mériter ça, je me contenterais de peu dans la vie pourtant. J'ai pas besoin d'aller au Japon ou à New-York ^^...non juste me sentir un peu mieux et revivre un peu plus normalement, juste un peu moins de souffrances.

 

Puis... Je me suis dit : je suis vivante. J'ai une chance de guérir. Et ça peut pas être la mouise toute la vie quand même.!

 

Normal de te sentir comme ça c'est humain.

 

Voir les souffrances des autres c'est dur aussi.

 

Mais je trouve que tu es une petite lumière, un petit rayon de soleil car très attentionnée. Tu n'enlèves pas la souffrance des gens, mais un peu de baume au coeur, c'est précieux tu ne crois pas?  Et tu es douée pour ça. 

 

Arrête de t'excuser. Oui je radote ! Tu es une bien meilleure personne que tu ne penses j'ai l'impression. :)

 

Demain est un autre jour. Je ne lâche pas ta main depuis l'Auvergne.

 

Bisous

 

Vega.

 

 

(Erell cuckoo,   Same feeling sometimes by going on Facebook. I go there lessover. People who can go out, put holiday pictures with their children ... I was thinking this morning m ... What I did to deserve that, I would settle for little in life yet. I do not need to go to Japan or New York ^^ ... just not feel a little better and relive a little more normally, just a little less suffering.   Then ... I thought, I'm alive. I have a chance to heal. And it can not be the miser all the life anyway!   Normal to feel like that's human.   Seeing the suffering of others is hard too.   But I think you are a small light, a small ray of sun because very attentive. You do not take away the suffering of people, but a little balm in the heart, it's precious you do not believe? And you're good at it.   Stop apologizing. Yes I drool! You are a much better person than you think I feel. :)   Tomorrow is another day. I do not let go of your hand from Auvergne.   Kisses   Vega)

 

 

 

 

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Erell

Merci Vegalia.

But it's hard To believe. I can't stop crying. I'm lost. I don't know anymore if I can stabilize or if I'm just dreaming. 

Tomorrow scares me. Because it Will still be so hard. And over and over. And I Feel like I'm loosing my strenght. 

 

I'm so sorry, I want To believe, and give hope and comfort To everybody. But I don't have this capacity 😢

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Rhiannon

Well, I know I say the same thing every time, but here it is again: what you are feeling is normal, and all the signs are good.

 

I remember not being able to feel joy. It was my usual state for years, actually, at the beginning, and during the years on the drugs much of the time as well. You don't need to be giving hope and comfort right now, or believing. We can believe for you, for now. 🙂 I find your progress encouraging. It's going to continue to be much slower than you would like, unfortunately. I wish I could change that for you. But all the signs are thumbs up for now.

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Vegalia

Tu me donnes de l'espoir.

Tu as des moments de désespoir c'est normal, mais cette lumière est toujours en toi.

Tu trouves les mots malgré tout, même si c'est pas tous les jours, tu trouves quand même et c'est une force incroyable.

 

Mes plus belles pensées.

 

On lâche rien, comme tu m'as dit, mais il est tellement humain de craquer de temps en temps.

 

Vega. 

 

(You give me hope. You have moments of despair it's normal, but this light is always in you. You find the words anyway, even if it's not every day, you still find and it's incredible strength. My most beautiful thoughts. We leave nothing, as you told me, but it's so human to crack from time to time. Vega.)

 

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rola

@Erell

coucou erell 

je vois que tu n'es pas bien aujourd'hui  sache que je pense fort à toi et je suis triste pour toi .tu es une belle personne ,toujours la pour nous aider  ;une personne emplie de belles qualités 

sois positives et surtout ne baisse pas les bras ,la vie est faite de haut et des bas malheureusement .

je t 'embrasse bien fort 

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Erell

@Rhiannon : I know you always tell me the same things, and I thank you for that. Strongly. Because as you said I need someone To believe. Right now I can't. 

I think I'm facing a huge Spike of despair. Keep reading your wisdom, and all thé kind words that are written on my thread. but I don't manage To Feel hope this evening. 

Yes it is slow. Don't apologize, you're one of my lights in this nightmare. And I know you can't do anything. No one can't. I don't Feel suicidal, I dont wanna live like this, but I really don't wanna die.

It's just sometimes it is so hard To Feel hope. 

I'm so sorry.

 

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Erell

@Vegalia et @rola : vous êtes adorables. ❤ j'aimerais tant être assez fortes pour vous envoyer de la lumière plutôt que de vous transmettre toute cette noirceur. Je vous embrasse. 

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Vegalia

@Erell

 

Mais tu l'as déjà fait et tu le referas.

Chacun son tour. ;)

 

Vega

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Sassenach

Bonjour Erell

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Well actually it is a weird day. Anxiety stayed mostly at 5. And restlessness at 4/5. I should be celebrating. I know it.

Yes you should be celebrating but you can't because of this.

derealization-or-depersonalization-dr-and-dp/

and yes we all go though it along with Anhedonia.

In other word W/D normal.

2 hours ago, Erell said:

I' m worried about constancy these past few days. I've read somewhere here that stabilisation is when there are no more big swings in symptoms. This is not the stabilisation I expected. I think I could live with 3/4 rate. But not like this. I Feel cut of normal. And unable To be back in this normal. 

That is correct but first you experience the full range of symptoms, after that your brain starts to rebuild and slowly the waves flatten.

 

45 minutes ago, Erell said:

Tomorrow scares me. Because it Will still be so hard. And over and over. And I Feel like I'm loosing my strenght. 

 

You do not know what tomorrow will bring, you could wake up feeling like yesterday.

It's an adventure that needs AAF.

2 hours ago, Erell said:

 I apologize for Being such a négative person.

Stop apologising, on your good days you are helping others.

Don't know if this saying is used in France.

What goes around, comes around, ie we all look after each other.

58 minutes ago, Vegalia said:

Erell cuckoo,   Same feeling sometimes by going on Facebook. I go there lessover. People who can go out, put holiday pictures with their children ... I was thinking this morning m ... What I did to deserve that, I would settle for little in life yet. I do not need to go to Japan or New York ^^ ... just not feel a little better and relive a little more normally, just a little less suffering.   Then ... I thought, I'm alive. I have a chance to heal. And it can not be the miser all the life anyway!   Normal to feel like that's human.   Seeing the suffering of others is hard too.   But I think you are a small light, a small ray of sun because very attentive. You do not take away the suffering of people, but a little balm in the heart, it's precious you do not believe? And you're good at it.   Stop apologizing. Yes I drool! You are a much better person than you think I feel. :)   Tomorrow is another day. I do not let go of your hand from Auvergne.   Kisses   Vega)

Beautifully said Vega.

You are getting better🤗

 

Sass

 

 

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Erell

@Sassenach : first, thank you. I know how busy you are here.

Everytime I read you, it helps me calm down.

I know I have To learn To calm down myself. I'm trying a lot of tips. But it doesn't always work, especially when the émotion comes in a such violent wave and explode. I thought I would get used To this intensity, but no. It is like a terror, but a despair one.

Plus, I'm used To calmer evenings.

And this strong feeling of "everything Will get worse and you Will never Feel Well again" is the one with wich I really struggle for AAF.

 

Well at least I'm not worried about constancy now I know that my émotions can still get so extrême.

 

We look after each others : thank you for looking after me. 

And, most of all  : a big, huge thank you for your last sentence " You are getting better". I'm so unable To see the big picture tonight, it is incredibly important To read this To try To not drown  ❤

 

Have a Nice evening Sass.

 

(Actually I can Feel hope : hoping you're doing ok and that all your work here doesn't impact your mood.)

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Erell

Good morning. 

 

Diary day 29 on 10mg Paroxetine  / 23 October 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (6)

7.30am: Tinnitus. Anxiety (6) / despair (5)/ restlessness (5).

8am 10mg Paroxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule. Feeling sick, flu.

10am : feeling flu, cold (It Will last all morning). Anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5).

12 left arm pain, like if had carried tons. Anxiety (5) / despair (6) / restlessness (5).

3pm : Spike of despair (7). Cry. Everything seems meaningless. 

4pm: anxiety (5) / despair (6) / restlessness (4).Feel highly disconnected. 

5pm despair (7). Scary because I feel like I loose my strenght and my wish To live a normal life. Can't Feel desire.

6pm : try a lot of distractions. Despair at 8. Don't know if it is despair, anhedonia or mental restlessness. 

Feeling like I'm loosing my mind.

6.30pm: suicidal thoughts. Crying.

7.15pm : despair still at 8, but stop crying. Bedtime, don't know what else To do. Tinnitus. Anxiety (5) / restlessness (5).

8pm : despair (6) / anxiety (5) / restlessness (5). Tinnitus. 

11pm : despair (5) / anxiety (5) / restlessness (3).

Lights off. 

I might fall asleep around 11.30pm. 

woke up anxious (6) this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

 

---》 Well, you already know it, yesterday was hard. The intrusive thoughts saying " I don't wanna wake up tomorrow, I won't handle anymore " was scary and so strong. 

it's been one month now of holding 10mg. I know it is not so much. This is so hard, I pray for a window.

 

--》 I know I post a lot everyday, is it ok ?

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Cocopuffz17
3 minutes ago, Erell said:

Good morning. 

 

Diary day 29 on 10mg Paroxetine  / 23 October 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (6)

7.30am: Tinnitus. Anxiety (6) / despair (5)/ restlessness (5).

8am 10mg Paroxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule. Feeling sick, flu.

10am : feeling flu, cold (It Will last all morning). Anxiety (5) / despair (5) / restlessness (5).

12 left arm pain, like if had carried tons. Anxiety (5) / despair (6) / restlessness (5).

3pm : Spike of despair (7). Cry. Everything seems meaningless. 

4pm: anxiety (5) / despair (6) / restlessness (4).Feel highly disconnected. 

5pm despair (7). Scary because I feel like I loose my strenght and my wish To live a normal life. Can't Feel desire.

6pm : try a lot of distractions. Despair at 8. Don't know if it is despair, anhedonia or mental restlessness. 

Feeling like I'm loosing my mind.

6.30pm: suicidal thoughts. Crying.

7.15pm : despair still at 8, but stop crying. Bedtime, don't know what else To do. Tinnitus. Anxiety (5) / restlessness (5).

8pm : despair (6) / anxiety (5) / restlessness (5). Tinnitus. 

11pm : despair (5) / anxiety (5) / restlessness (3).

Lights off. 

I might fall asleep around 11.30pm. 

woke up anxious (6) this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

 

---》 Well, you already know it, yesterday was hard. The intrusive thoughts saying " I don't wanna wake up tomorrow, I won't handle anymore " was scary and so strong. 

it's been one month now of holding 10mg. I know it is not so much. This is so hard, I pray for a window.

 

--》 I know I post a lot everyday, is it ok ?

It is completely fine to post. It gets it off your chest. I know exactly how you feel. It will pass. I felt the exact same way. Be strong. Remember everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed ! 

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sunnysideup69

It will pass Erell, am also in a wave at the moment. It's really hard, I know. But we WILL heal, we will get there. A window will come for you. Message any time today, if you need, I'm gonna be resting at home all day.

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Erell

Thank you @sunnysideup69 !

I'm reading success stories, trying To get comfort. Not easy because it is mostly recoveries from CT's. 

Sometimes it is really hard To accept that Im in such a misérable state : I did'nt do a CT ! How can I Feel like if I had ? 

The main explaination to me is that I messed up with suppléments. 

But I know that acceptance is thé only way. Still struggling with this. 

 

Plus my calculations are wrong ;)

I was hoping for a window after calculating the time between my Windows. But still in a wave !

I reread my diaries and it is incredible To read that on 2nd October I experienced anxiety and despair at 3/4 rate during the day 😮  

Reading this is a proof I can Feel that way...yet my mind doesn't believe it Will happen again ! 

 

Today is hard, hard To leave my bed, too much anxiety and despair. 

I try To tell myself that in a month I Will Feel better.

 

I know you're also in a wave and I send you all my support!

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sunnysideup69
1 minute ago, Erell said:

Thank you @sunnysideup69 !

I'm reading success stories, trying To get comfort. Not easy because it is mostly recoveries from CT's. 

Sometimes it is really hard To accept that Im in such a misérable state : I did'nt do a CT ! How can I Feel like if I had ?

But I know that acceptance is thé only way. Still struggling with this. 

 

Plus my calculations are wrong ;)

I was hoping for a window after calculating the time between my Windows. But still in a wave !

I reread my diaries and it is incredible To read that on 2nd October I experienced anxiety and despair at 3/4 rate during the day 😮  

Reading this is a proof I can Feel that way...yet my mind doesn't believe it Will happen again ! 

 

I know you're also in a wave and I send you all my support!

We can and we will feel good again. I totally understand and empathise with how you feel. And you are right, acceptance is the only way. I think we all struggle with acceptance. When I feel well, I accept my condition. In a wave, I'm so angry about it...so, for me, acceptance comes and goes. Have to keep practicing it.

 

Be gentle and kind to yourself today, sending you a gentle hug, wave-buddy ;)

Windows are coming.

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Guilietta

Hello sweet Erell,

 

Sorry you are having a bad day. 🙁 

 

All the sentiments expressed are true. You are in a 'wave' and it won't last. You have had recent improvements. It is part of the recovery pattern..

 

It's part of getting better. We all 'mess up' with medications or supplements. We did that because we didn't know any better (but now we will ldo better with the next medicine) - and were not told any differently. Don't abuse yourself for that. Don't treat yourself poorly.

 

36 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

acceptance comes and goes. Have to keep practicing it.

 

Good point! This is an opporutnity to keep practicing acceptance. I think I said separately that 'suffering' teaches us compassion. We need to learn and practice to ourselves. This is an opportunity for that.

 

I'm very angry too.

 

Hugs,

 

Giuilietta 🤗

 

 

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