Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

It sounds like you may be improving overall even though the anxiety is keeping you at home. Being sleep is a huge advantage and will help you recover. Your evening routine seems to be working for you. I am so glad.  

 

Have a lovely day....

 

Giulietta 🤗

 

[sunnysideup69]

Coucou Erell, 

Have been not here so much over weekend, was busy catsitting. Was lovely to have feline company, very soothing, very cuddly. Was so tired on Saturday, and so I went to bed in the afternoon, and Coconut the cat cuddled up next to me.

I'm catching up on your posts and you seem to be improving. Slow and steady is the way to go! You are levelling, and things will improve and keep improving. Hope you're having a good day...love and hugs x

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

Needed a couple of days off, hopefully back tomorrow.

Surprising how much you and @Vegalia improved over weekend, good news.

@Rhiannon congrats on the mentorship, got you, no way out now.🏃‍♂️👏

 

Sass

 

[Erell]

Oh @Sassenach, take good care of you and be off from here as long as you need ! I strongly think of you and hope you pamper yourself ❤😚

 

 

 

[Erell]

Good evening dear @sunnysideup69, @Guilietta. 

You all seem To think that I'm improving, as Sass does. 

It is Nice To hear while I Feel stuck in this no end wave , thank you,  your external point of view is so important! ❤

 

This morning, I had an appointment with my doctor To postpone work. But..I made a mistake ...I arrived with a smile ...and he didn't like that! He basically shout me and told me that I had To make efforts! That if I was able To smile then I was able To work. That a real dépressive doesn't smile...blahblah. It was quite awful. He prescribed me off work until 18 novembre,and said that he Will not help To postpone work again.

I cried in the street.

Then I thought " Sunnysideup would say this man is a turd"  😉 it made me smile again, so thank you Sunny 😘

 

I'm quite proud this evening because I réalise that I managed To apply acceptance the rest of the day. And that I didn't get too obsessed with what said this doctor this morning. 

 

Step by step...

 

Love and hugs ❤

[rola]

 

hi erell

do not worry about your work stop you can go see a pscy he will do it easily and from here you'll be better and you can go back to work

😉I kiss you

14 minutes ago, Erell said:

Bonsoir, cher @ sunnysideup69 , @ guilietta . 

Vous semblez tous penser que je m'améliore, comme Sass. 

Il est agréable d'entendre pendant que je me sens coincé dans cette vague sans fin, merci, votre point de vue externe est si important! ❤

 

Ce matin, j'avais rendez-vous avec mon médecin pour reporter le travail. Mais… j'ai commis une erreur… Je suis arrivé avec un sourire… et il n'a pas aimé ça! Il m'a essentiellement crié et m'a dit que je devais faire des efforts! Que si je pouvais sourire, je pouvais travailler. Qu'un vrai dépressif ne sourit pas ... blahblah. C'était assez affreux. Il m'a prescrit du travail jusqu'au 18 novembre et a déclaré qu'il ne m'aiderait pas à remettre le travail à plus tard.

J'ai pleuré dans la rue.

Alors je pensais que « Sunnysideup dirait que cet homme est un étron »  😉 il m'a fait sourire à nouveau, je vous remercie donc ensoleillé 😘

 

Je suis assez fier ce soir car je réalise que j'ai réussi à appliquer l'acceptation le reste de la journée. Et que je ne devenais pas trop obsédé par ce que disait ce médecin ce matin. 

 

Pas à pas...

 

Amour et câlins

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

your external point of view is so important! ❤

 

We can be objective!

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

this man is a turd

 

For sure.  If this were  not a public forum we could describe said turd using other colorful language.   I wonder if you would contact your employer about this and ask if you could start with part-time hours and have a flexible schedule?

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

And that I didn't get too obsessed with what said this doctor this morning. 

 

You didn't allow this idiot to control over your feelings   and this is sign of your personal strength and improving state of mind. 

 

Hugs,

 

Giuilietta

 

 

 

 

 

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Monday 4 Novembre/ day 41 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine +1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

Some dizziness.

It Will be the same all morning. 

11.30am: doctor appointment

12.30 : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

1pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

From 3pm To 4pm : I went To work. I wanted To try To connect again. I spent the hour with a kind colleague,  discussed.

Then I went To the seaside.

6pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

A friend arrived, she Will stay with me until wednesday.

I did'nt apply my bedtime routine but it was nice To interact with somebody!

10pm : bedtime: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3.

 

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

 

--》 I felt more connected yesterday 😍

--》 I don't know where I am  : I don't think it was a window, but a wave easier To surf because of my mood.

 

 

🏄‍♀️🏄‍♀️🏄‍♀️

[sunnysideup69]

12 hours ago, Erell said:

 

This morning, I had an appointment with my doctor To postpone work. But..I made a mistake ...I arrived with a smile ...and he didn't like that! He basically shout me and told me that I had To make efforts! That if I was able To smile then I was able To work. That a real dépressive doesn't smile...blahblah. It was quite awful. He prescribed me off work until 18 novembre,and said that he Will not help To postpone work again.

I cried in the street.

Then I thought " Sunnysideup would say this man is a turd"  😉 it made me smile again, so thank you Sunny 😘

 

 

Oh my gosh. Erell, this man is indeed a little turd, and a particularly smelly one. What an astounding lack of understanding about depression - but it doesn't surprise me, unfortunately. Within the medical profession, there is such a huge sea of misinformation. It scares me.

Perhaps it is time for a new GP. He sounds awful.

In the meantime, I'm so glad you handled it well. Am really glad to have made you smile. Just as I discovered last week at work, there are going to be little turds along the way. We have to walk around them and not get them stuck to our shoes  You've inspired me and reminded me today, so thank you.

[Giulietta]

6 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

We have to walk around them and not get them stuck to our shoes  

 

They can be landmines and  - and if they stick to our shoes even briefly - we wipe them off by scrubbing them off on the pavement. 😎 

 

6 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Within the medical profession, there is such a huge sea of misinformation. It scares me.

 

So many of of these people are psychopaths (hate to be blunt about it). I said to the therapist yesterday that the prescribers of thse meds should have their medical licenses revoked. That didn't go over well (even if it is the truth) so I ought to keep my mouth shut. She works with these peole...

 

Time for a 2nd opinion. Good thing you are informed. Wish I could recommend someone for you.

 

Again - kudos to you for handling this and taking the high road. I think some of these cretins know they are not knowledgeable about this, don't want to ask questions (MDs don't like our questions to begin with!) because it shows they don't know everything....

 

Hugs and glad you were feeling better, sweetie.

 

Giuilietta 🤗

[Erell]

Hi !

 

Yes I maybe should find an other doctor..But it is not easy : where I live they are all full and don't easily accept new patients. And, honestly, I don't really believe I can find a better one : since 2014, when I started my slow benzo taper, i've seen many different doctors, and never find one that believe in WD or one who would give support. 

We have To "use" doctors, To get what we need. Unfortunately: I would obviously prefer honest relationship.

 

Yesterday was a bit easier so I managed To accept the situation. 

Have To admit it is harder Today, and I'm struggling with acceptance. Today, it's been 19 days in this wave.

As Rhiannon always says, I'm still in early days. And have To be patient.

But sometimes I really struggle with the feeling of Being stuck forever in this 5/6 wave. And can't avoid myself To wonder if it is true that I Will see another window. 

When I don't believe, I ask myself if I could live like this. And I can't say "yes". I can't imagine living my all life 8n 5his state. I can't imagine live next months in this constant. 

 

So I try To live in the now. But the now is so hard. I need To escape. And try To imagine a better future.

 

Well I'm sorry, this is not a very positive post. I keep on hoping for a window.

 

I wish you all a Nice day ❤

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

I was not in a wave, in fact had the best week so far.

I spent too much time on here because I was well and also had commitments over the weekend.

Seriously well done for the way you handled this.

11 minutes ago, Erell said:

We have To "use" doctors, To get what we need. Unfortunately: I would obviously prefer honest relationship.

They don't deserve honesty, they have never given it to us.

Then you managed this

8 hours ago, Erell said:

 I went To work. I wanted To try To connect again. I spent the hour with a kind colleague,  discussed.

Then I went To the seaside

And this

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

And this, look at the numbers

8 hours ago, Erell said:

 bedtime: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3.

And this, even better numbers.

Followed by

9 hours ago, Erell said:

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am

7 hours sleep.

1 hour ago, Erell said:

Well I'm sorry, this is not a very positive post. I keep on hoping for a window

I know you would like a window but there is one thing more important, baseline improvement, and you certainly have that.

At the risk of tempting providence you not only have an improvement but it is almost linear, which is even better.

The fact that you are trying to reconnect is great, only a couple of weeks ago you did not want to leave your flat.

You are doing really well, as Rhi said one day at a time.

 

Sass

 

 

[Giulietta]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I need To escape. And try To imagine a better future.

We can escape together. 🤣  Visualizing a better future helps me. That someone prepared me for this and supported me - the MD - eventhough he was surprised/astounded at WD effects - helped.

 

The days get better. Wish I was there in person to comfort you. ☹️ Keep the faith. We've all been there.

 

Yees, about the MDs. there is a scarcity of general practitioners (we call them internists) and psychiatrists here too, particularly in mental health. I think they are paid amongst the least well maybe why there is a waiting list. They are a small community so talk (about us I imagine. ). YOu are right that honesty is the best possibililty.  In my meeting last week with mine - I mentioned that having a team approach would make this a smoother recovery. He agreed.

 

Staying in the moment does and focus on what we are doing n(and doing something - no matter how 'small' per se) helps prevent us from ruminating - at least it helped me.

 

This system won't let me quote you for some reason.  I understand am sorry you are less accepting and more upset about the turd's comment yesterday.  I wonder if turd was trying to intimidate you?  Maybe he really does undestand t understand the ups and downs of WD? That you can feel OK in the morning and bad in the afternoon?

 

I lot can happen in 19 days. You may be feeling much better - or not much better. Or a bit better to work somewhat.

 

If it helps you - when I was out of work twice on on medical leave - I touched base eith my supervisor about how I was deoing and was I well enough to come back to work. If the MD says around 19th that yes she is OK to try - or no - so be it. And if you try and it doesn't work and it maks you worse - you stop and redo the papeerwork (or whatever the process is). Or maybe you aren't sufficiently well to start in Nov 19. And you won't know until until much closer. If that is the case - you take appropriate steps to postpone return.

 

Will write later. Hang in there and thinking of you dear @Erell 🤗

 

I am sorry you are so sad today and are in my thoughts.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

[Erell]

9 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

 

At the risk of tempting providence you not only have an improvement but it is almost linear, which is even better.

 

Yesterday I was exactly wondering if I was expériencing a linear improvment. But Today is harder than yesterday, hardly went outside, disconnected, anxious and sad.

 

I'm sorry, I thought that these past few days I had made good progress in acceptance, and Today I Feel sad and unaccepting. 

 

one day at a time, I Will keep trying.

[Sassenach]

Total linear recovery does not exist but you are nearer to it than most.

 

Chin up.

 

Sass

[Erell]

@Guilietta : no I wasn't talking about what the MD said. I talked about less acceptance because Today I struggle with accepting my symptoms. 

 

Thank you for your support ❤

[Rhiannon]

Hello, just stopping by for hugs 🙂

 

Also to let you know we are having a staffing crisis at work, so I may be working some overtime, and I won't have as much time as I have had recently to spend on this site. I'll probably drop in every day though but if you don't see me around as much don't worry.

 

Hang in there, you are doing great.

[Erell]

@Rhiannon : Thank you for your hugs  😚 they are welcome! 😉

Hope you won't work too much, take good care of yourself and ❤

[AuntieBea]

Dear Erell,

 

I am so sorry that you continue to struggle through this wave.... I think of you and check in on you often.

I just re-read Rhiannon’s post from a few days ago...her story of hope. I also am struggling today with symptoms so relying on others to remind me that this isn’t forever, that it will get better, that there is reason to have hope. Maybe it would help you also.

 

Take good care of yourself, Erell.

With love and hugs, AuntieBea🐝

 

[Markolo1980]

@Erell I belive this might comfort you a bit. I had a nice window for almost a week now. I had practically zero symptoms, I all ready thought I was over but today it hit me with anxiety and nervousness big time.  Since I don’t have any stressors I know it’s WDs. Even after more than 4 months of lowering dosage its still hard, but I see big improvement, windows are much longer. 
 

belive me, Im in the same struggle and I know exactly how it feels....

 

I also do all that I can to feel better....and I do it on daily basis ( visualization, yoga, long walks, no sugars, no alcohol, excersise in gym ...you name it ) and must say it does help, especially the walks I find most efficient.

 

 

[mustafa]

Hello erell, yesterday 5 Nov was bad to me too.

In good days I can play football but become very tired, I don't be able to run or do tough effort but yesterday was bad however, I played football😂, my team members told me that I was the reason of the defeat but I didn't care 😂; one thing was very good to me, even simple and not enough, when I compared myself to the times I played football before, I found iam better, it is true that it isn't enough but better and I felt refuse and not accepting, I think the not accepting feeling is because I need to live life again, need to be with people and need to be myself again so if you not accept, you are better erell.

Asking yourself: can I live my life like this, is an evidence you are stronger. you reminded me that all this will be a memory and I love to remember your words a lot.

Big hugs to you my dear.

[mustafa]

5 hours ago, Sassenach said:

They don't deserve honesty, they have never given it to us.

If you talk about doctors, You are right sassenach, I will never forget the day I was very upset and feel no longer want to live and despite that, the psychiatrist let me go without any, any care for this.

[Erell]

@AuntieBea, @mustafa, @Markolo1980 : Thank you so much for your support ❤

Your words are really great comfort.

 

Diary Tuesday 5 Novembre/ day 42 on 10mg Paroxetine

 

7am : woke up anxious (6).

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule 

All morning: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Internal tremors. 

12 : Went To the seaside To walk.

All afternoon : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair : 5-6.

9.20pm : bedtime. Internal tremors. 

Anxiety: 5-6 / restlessness : 5 / despair: 5.

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around midnight. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

🏄‍♀️🏄‍♀️🏄‍♀️

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

I am sorry you are despondent about how you feel (and that I misinterpeted)

 

19 hours ago, Erell said:

Today I struggle with accepting my symptoms. 

 

You comforted me on my trouble to accept my emotional symptoms and life situation. You reminded me to take one day at a time.

 

20 hours ago, Erell said:

Yesterday I was exactly wondering if I was expériencing a linear improvment. But Today is harder than yesterday,

 

There is no linear improvement. 😢 After a day or two of feeling almost ourselves - we may feel we are going to get better steadily. But then we slide back until we move forward again - and then have longer windows - even if longer by a little bit. I remember this feeling of having two or three nice days - and then thought I was OK! Only to have the ugly days come back - and then they went way and the good days come back.  ☀️

 

6 hours ago, Erell said:

bedtime. Internal tremors. 

Anxiety: 5-6 / restlessness : 5 / despair: 5.

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around midnight. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

This stinks. I know it does - and that will it go away. Please believe it that it will.

 

16 hours ago, Markolo1980 said:

I had practically zero symptoms, I all ready thought I was over but today it hit me with anxiety and nervousness

 

Markolo expresses this well. Sorry @Markolo1980

 

Hugs to you all,

Giulietta 💓

 

p.s. @Rhiannon I'm sorry that you have added work / stress at work and I hope they get needed staff soon.

[Erell]

1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

After a day or two of feeling almost ourselves - we may feel we are going to get better steadily. But then we slide back until we move forward again - and then have longer windows - even if longer by a little bit. I remember this feeling of having two or three nice days - and then thought I was OK! Only to have the ugly days come back - and then they went way and the good days come back.  ☀️

 

 

What is hard now is I don't have good days : Today is my 20 day in this wave.

Everybody tell me that a window Will come, so I try To hang To this idea.

I have wobbles inside this wave, and sometimes I manage To accept my situation. Today is hard : I cry a lot, I tried to get outside but I cried too much in the street, I went back to my flat.

I don't remember what "feeling normal " means.

I'm sometimes frightened by the idea of not Being strong enough  : I read people who stays in a wave several months,without a window. Thinking about living next months in this wave without seeing a window make me loose my strenght.

I know that living in the now is important, but Today the now is wet with tears. I try To not Feel too Guilty about not Being able To meditate Today. 

I can't stop crying Today, no control on my tears. I Feel so misérable.

 

I know that everybody tell me I made progress. And I think it is true. 

And in the mean time I spend my days trying To wait for the next hour, the next day. Surviving but not living.

 

I hope everybody here Will heal ❤

[Vegalia]

Salut Erell,

 

Tu as raison, une des bases de la méditation, c'est de ne pas culpabiliser de ne pas y arriver vraiment voire pas du tout. Facile à dire.

Quand j'y arrive pas je fais quand même un peu de cohérence cardiaque.

 

Je t'embrasse bien fort et te renouvelle mon soutien inconditionnel. ❤️

 

Vega

 

(Hi Erell, You're right, one of the basics of meditation is not to feel guilty about not getting there really or not at all. Easy to say. When I can not do it I still do a little bit of cardiac coherence. I kiss you very hard and renew my unconditional support. Vega)

 

[Erell]

Thank you Vega ❤

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

Sorry I have not been about much.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

And in the mean time I spend my days trying To wait for the next hour, the next day. Surviving but not living.

This is how we all feel at various times and then things improve so we forget.

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I don't remember what "feeling normal " means.

For the moment you can only feel W/D normal which is ok.

There was a point when you wanted to cry but couldn't, it has changed.

It will change for the better again and you will become the chatty, delightful young lady many on here see you as.

You sleep well so your brain is getting plenty of opportunity to repair.

Everything is in place for recovery but it only happens when it is ready.

Sleep well.

 

Sass

 

 

[Erell]

Don't be sorry dear @Sassenach, you help so much people here ! 

I'm really glad To know you're feeling well ! ❤

Hope I Will soon be able To be a " chatty and delighful " person. 

I Feel bad To only report bad feelings and tears,  I would like To laugh with All of you !

Time for bedtime routine for me,

Take care 🤗

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I Feel bad To only report bad feelings and tears,  I

 

 This is not allowed Here is the place where you can always talk about bad feelings and tears - even if you think it is all the time. We all miss the happy Erell - and know she is there under the sadness - which will pass. 

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I know that living in the now is important, but Today the now is wet with tears.

 

If it helps you to envision a future  where you are happier than the present - or maybe envision yourself now in a place that is happy to you (maybe where you had a nice holiday?) - maybe that will help you to feel better now.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I know that everybody tell me I made progress. And I think it is true. 

 

1 hour ago, Sassenach said:

You sleep well so your brain is getting plenty of opportunity to repair.

Everything is in place for recovery but it only happens when it is ready.

 

Sleeping well is so important for your brain as Sass said. You are fortunate in that you do. This is a big positive for you.

 

Sorry you had a bad day again. Hugs and sleep tight,

 

Giulietta 💓

[mustafa]

7 hours ago, Erell said:

 

What is hard now is I don't have good days : Today is my 20 day in this wave.

Everybody tell me that a window Will come, so I try To hang To this idea.

I have wobbles inside this wave, and sometimes I manage To accept my situation. Today is hard : I cry a lot, I tried to get outside but I cried too much in the street, I went back to my flat.

I don't remember what "feeling normal " means.

I'm sometimes frightened by the idea of not Being strong enough  : I read people who stays in a wave several months,without a window. Thinking about living next months in this wave without seeing a window make me loose my strenght.

I know that living in the now is important, but Today the now is wet with tears. I try To not Feel too Guilty about not Being able To meditate Today. 

I can't stop crying Today, no control on my tears. I Feel so misérable.

 

I know that everybody tell me I made progress. And I think it is true. 

And in the mean time I spend my days trying To wait for the next hour, the next day. Surviving but not living.

 

I hope everybody here Will heal ❤

Erell, I was about to cry while reading your post, not because I feel sorry to you but you really have improvements made you explain your situation emotionally very good. You are better erell, this is very clear♥️, I find all my supporting words very little against your great and attractive feelings so I have to stop right now♥️.

Big hugs beautiful erell.

[Giulietta]

 

Here is something you could print - show to your MD ?

[Erell]

@mustafa and @Guilietta : thank you for your kind  supportive  words  ❤

 

Diary Wednesday 6 Novembre/ day 43 on 10mg Paroxetine.

 

7am : woke up anxious 

7.30am : 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule

8.30am: anxiéty: 5 / restlessness : 5 / despair: 5

10am : anxiéty: 6 / restlessness: 6/ despair: 6

Suicidal thoughts/ disconnected/ hopeless / frightened. Cry.  Take a shower To change the Channel and help calm down. 

It Will be the same all day, and with internal tremors. 

2pm : tried To go To the seaside,  cried a lot, went back home.

3.30pm : went back To my bed. 

8.30pm : anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

9.30pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

 

Lights off at 10pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up this morning at 6am, with low anxiety but strong  gut pain : I was so happy, thought I was in a Window!! I went To my kitchen and felt suddenly very weak, like if I was going To faint. I eat a banana, and went back To my bed with legs up on the wall. Internal tremors, clenching teeths.

After about half an hour,  the feeling that I was going To faint went away, and my classic morning anxiéty came. 

 

--》 Yesterday I stayed mostly in my bed, crying. It was a really rough day.

I know i'm too obsessed by the idea of a Window, I need one so much To keep believing that life worth it. This 3 weeks wave really make me loose my strenght and my hope. 😓

 

[sunnysideup69]

Hello Erell, sorry yesterday was rough. I know it must feel like you've been holding forever. Unfortunately it's still relatively early days in terms of stabilizing. My goodness, don't we wish that things would work more quickly....I know I wish that. I spent most of yesterday feeling really stressed.

Really hoping that today might be feeling a bit better for you.

Sending hugs, dear one ❤️

[Erell]

Today is hard too :

- my mum is at the hospital with her mum : my grandmother is dying. And i'm not able To go out of my flat To drive one hour To support my mother.

- I have an important friend who had a car accident and is in a bad state in the hospital and I can't go see him. 

 

Can't stop crying. This is so hard. I can't forgive myself.

[sunnysideup69]

1 minute ago, Erell said:

Today is hard too :

- my mum is at the hospital with her mum : my grandmother is dying. And i'm not able To go out of my flat To drive one hour To support my mother.

- I have an important friend who had a car accident and is in a bad state in the hospital and I can't go see him. 

 

Can't stop crying. This is so hard. I can't forgive myself.

 

Dear Erell, I am so sorry to read about these things.

I do understand.

My brother went into hospital with a stroke in mid August, just when I was at my worst, and they also discovered he had a brain tumour. I was only able to visit him once, never since. I felt terrible.....and it ended up being my 80 year old parents who visited him most.

 

But the thing is, we too are 'injured', at the moment, albeit temporarily. 

You can support your mama with a phone call, and your friend with sending a card. I know it's not how you feel you WANT to support, but it is still support.

❤️