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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Erell
1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

After a day or two of feeling almost ourselves - we may feel we are going to get better steadily. But then we slide back until we move forward again - and then have longer windows - even if longer by a little bit. I remember this feeling of having two or three nice days - and then thought I was OK! Only to have the ugly days come back - and then they went way and the good days come back.  ☀️

 

 

What is hard now is I don't have good days : Today is my 20 day in this wave.

Everybody tell me that a window Will come, so I try To hang To this idea.

I have wobbles inside this wave, and sometimes I manage To accept my situation. Today is hard : I cry a lot, I tried to get outside but I cried too much in the street, I went back to my flat.

I don't remember what "feeling normal " means.

I'm sometimes frightened by the idea of not Being strong enough  : I read people who stays in a wave several months,without a window. Thinking about living next months in this wave without seeing a window make me loose my strenght.

I know that living in the now is important, but Today the now is wet with tears. I try To not Feel too Guilty about not Being able To meditate Today. 

I can't stop crying Today, no control on my tears. I Feel so misérable.

 

I know that everybody tell me I made progress. And I think it is true. 

And in the mean time I spend my days trying To wait for the next hour, the next day. Surviving but not living.

 

I hope everybody here Will heal ❤

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Vegalia

Salut Erell,

 

Tu as raison, une des bases de la méditation, c'est de ne pas culpabiliser de ne pas y arriver vraiment voire pas du tout. Facile à dire.

Quand j'y arrive pas je fais quand même un peu de cohérence cardiaque.

 

Je t'embrasse bien fort et te renouvelle mon soutien inconditionnel. ❤️

 

Vega

 

(Hi Erell, You're right, one of the basics of meditation is not to feel guilty about not getting there really or not at all. Easy to say. When I can not do it I still do a little bit of cardiac coherence. I kiss you very hard and renew my unconditional support. Vega)

 

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Erell

Thank you Vega ❤

 

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

Sorry I have not been about much.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

And in the mean time I spend my days trying To wait for the next hour, the next day. Surviving but not living.

This is how we all feel at various times and then things improve so we forget.

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I don't remember what "feeling normal " means.

For the moment you can only feel W/D normal which is ok.

There was a point when you wanted to cry but couldn't, it has changed.

It will change for the better again and you will become the chatty, delightful young lady many on here see you as.

You sleep well so your brain is getting plenty of opportunity to repair.

Everything is in place for recovery but it only happens when it is ready.

Sleep well.

 

Sass

 

 

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Erell

Don't be sorry dear @Sassenach, you help so much people here ! 

I'm really glad To know you're feeling well ! ❤

Hope I Will soon be able To be a " chatty and delighful " person. 

I Feel bad To only report bad feelings and tears,  I would like To laugh with All of you !

Time for bedtime routine for me,

Take care 🤗

 

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I Feel bad To only report bad feelings and tears,  I

 

 This is not allowed ;) Here is the place where you can always talk about bad feelings and tears - even if you think it is all the time. We all miss the happy Erell - and know she is there under the sadness - which will pass. 

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I know that living in the now is important, but Today the now is wet with tears.

 

If it helps you to envision a future  where you are happier than the present - or maybe envision yourself now in a place that is happy to you (maybe where you had a nice holiday?) - maybe that will help you to feel better now.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I know that everybody tell me I made progress. And I think it is true. 

 

1 hour ago, Sassenach said:

You sleep well so your brain is getting plenty of opportunity to repair.

Everything is in place for recovery but it only happens when it is ready.

 

Sleeping well is so important for your brain as Sass said. You are fortunate in that you do. This is a big positive for you. :)

 

Sorry you had a bad day again. Hugs and sleep tight,

 

Giulietta 💓

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mustafa
7 hours ago, Erell said:

 

What is hard now is I don't have good days : Today is my 20 day in this wave.

Everybody tell me that a window Will come, so I try To hang To this idea.

I have wobbles inside this wave, and sometimes I manage To accept my situation. Today is hard : I cry a lot, I tried to get outside but I cried too much in the street, I went back to my flat.

I don't remember what "feeling normal " means.

I'm sometimes frightened by the idea of not Being strong enough  : I read people who stays in a wave several months,without a window. Thinking about living next months in this wave without seeing a window make me loose my strenght.

I know that living in the now is important, but Today the now is wet with tears. I try To not Feel too Guilty about not Being able To meditate Today. 

I can't stop crying Today, no control on my tears. I Feel so misérable.

 

I know that everybody tell me I made progress. And I think it is true. 

And in the mean time I spend my days trying To wait for the next hour, the next day. Surviving but not living.

 

I hope everybody here Will heal ❤

Erell, I was about to cry while reading your post, not because I feel sorry to you but you really have improvements made you explain your situation emotionally very good. You are better erell, this is very clear♥️, I find all my supporting words very little against your great and attractive feelings so I have to stop right now♥️.

Big hugs beautiful erell.

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Guilietta

 

Here is something you could print - show to your MD ?

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Erell

@mustafa and @Guilietta : thank you for your kind  supportive  words  ❤

 

Diary Wednesday 6 Novembre/ day 43 on 10mg Paroxetine.

 

7am woke up anxious 

7.30am 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule

8.30am: anxiéty: 5 / restlessness : 5 / despair: 5

10am anxiéty: 6 / restlessness: 6/ despair: 6

Suicidal thoughts/ disconnected/ hopeless / frightened. Cry.  Take a shower To change the Channel and help calm down. 

It Will be the same all day, and with internal tremors. 

2pm tried To go To the seaside,  cried a lot, went back home.

3.30pm : went back To my bed. 

8.30pm anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

9.30pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

 

Lights off at 10pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up this morning at 6am, with low anxiety but strong  gut pain : I was so happy, thought I was in a Window!! I went To my kitchen and felt suddenly very weak, like if I was going To faint. I eat a banana, and went back To my bed with legs up on the wall. Internal tremors, clenching teeths.

After about half an hour,  the feeling that I was going To faint went away, and my classic morning anxiéty came. 

 

--》 Yesterday I stayed mostly in my bed, crying. It was a really rough day.

I know i'm too obsessed by the idea of a Window, I need one so much To keep believing that life worth it. This 3 weeks wave really make me loose my strenght and my hope. 😓

 

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sunnysideup69

Hello Erell, sorry yesterday was rough. I know it must feel like you've been holding forever. Unfortunately it's still relatively early days in terms of stabilizing. My goodness, don't we wish that things would work more quickly....I know I wish that. I spent most of yesterday feeling really stressed.

Really hoping that today might be feeling a bit better for you.

Sending hugs, dear one ❤️

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Erell

Today is hard too :

- my mum is at the hospital with her mum : my grandmother is dying. And i'm not able To go out of my flat To drive one hour To support my mother.

- I have an important friend who had a car accident and is in a bad state in the hospital and I can't go see him. 

 

Can't stop crying. This is so hard. I can't forgive myself.

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sunnysideup69
1 minute ago, Erell said:

Today is hard too :

- my mum is at the hospital with her mum : my grandmother is dying. And i'm not able To go out of my flat To drive one hour To support my mother.

- I have an important friend who had a car accident and is in a bad state in the hospital and I can't go see him. 

 

Can't stop crying. This is so hard. I can't forgive myself.

 

Dear Erell, I am so sorry to read about these things.

I do understand.

My brother went into hospital with a stroke in mid August, just when I was at my worst, and they also discovered he had a brain tumour. I was only able to visit him once, never since. I felt terrible.....and it ended up being my 80 year old parents who visited him most.

 

But the thing is, we too are 'injured', at the moment, albeit temporarily. 

You can support your mama with a phone call, and your friend with sending a card. I know it's not how you feel you WANT to support, but it is still support.

❤️

 

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Guilietta

Dearest Erell,

 

I am so, so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you must be experiencing with your grandmother and your friend - in addition your WD. You can and will forgive yourself - even if not now. Your grandmother, mother and friend will understand.

 

However - as in any situation - you can and will forgive yourself even if you can't now. As @sunnysideup69 wisely and thougtfully said - you too are injured. I don't know if it was @Rosettaor @Rhiannon who told me - it is as if we suffered a stroke. Our brain is healing in much the safe way. We are in recovery from a brain injury.  Your Mum knows you are in a bad way. You can call. You might send a plant or flowrs ifyou your grandma would appreciate either.

 

YOu can also  call your friend now?

 

Maybe holding only positive thoughts/memories about your grandma now will help you through this.

 

Hugs

Giuilietta

 

18 minutes ago, Erell said:

This is so hard. I can't forgive myself.

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sunnysideup69

Exactly this @Guilietta,  @Erell, it is as if WE suffered from a stroke. And I don't mean to minimise how you feel at all, but perhaps your not being there will encourage others to come forward for you mama, and also for your friend. I'd imagine you as the kind of person who is always the first up to help. So, it's hard to feel like you can't do that, when you want to.

But you need to make yourself your priority, right now. In the future, no doubt, you will be first up to help again xxxxx

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mustafa
51 minutes ago, Erell said:

Today is hard too :

- my mum is at the hospital with her mum : my grandmother is dying. And i'm not able To go out of my flat To drive one hour To support my mother.

- I have an important friend who had a car accident and is in a bad state in the hospital and I can't go see him. 

 

Can't stop crying. This is so hard. I can't forgive myself.

Why can't you forgive yourself, is it because you are weak, you aren't, you are very strong facing bad withdrawals without any guilt.  you aren't selfish despite suffer, erell and think about your grandmother. I don't think you should do this, I myself, proud to be your friend.

You may be hurt, I know this but you should know that no any one can be ok in all live actions, people around us can help while we are in pain and so do you when you be ok.

Imagine you are in another country and can't be with your mom, you will forgive yourself for sure. Consider it to be the situation♥️.

Take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for something it has no guilt doing it.

 

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Guilietta
12 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I'd imagine you as the kind of person who is always the first up to help.

 

Well done! And others are the last to recogngize your situation and come to support or help you. I think this is one that may bind us all together - our similar personality types in that we want to prioritize our needs and feelings over others. Do you think this is t he case?

 

 

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Erell

Dear survivors, 

First I wanna apologize for my post : it is too late To edit it. But I realize that I imposed you drama, and nobody here need more triggers. I hope I didn't hurt anybody.

I got totally overwhelmed by these life events,  in a wave already hard. As nobody around me understand my incapicity To be away from my flat, or my High sensitivity, my lonelyness and distress lead me To write here without thinking how bad it could make others dear survivors Feel. 

 

Secondly, I wanna strongly thank you all : I don't have thé words To express you how comforting it is To read your sweet words. It is really surprising how much people you don't know in real life can become so great understanding friends in this journey! ❤

 

@sunnysideup69 : i'm really touched by your story with your brother. Hope he is doing ok ❤

Yes i'm injured, I understand that. Really hard To make those around me understand it as Well. And yes, really hard To not be able To do what I would do ordinary in such events.

 

@Guilietta : I don't know if i'm the kind who would be first up To help. All I know is what I would have done if I was able : I would have driven To give my mum a strong hug and then hold her hand all night. Then I would have driven To see my friend, and caress his hair until he falls asleep. 

I have To accept that I can't, and it is really hard work To do.

 

@mustafa : I don't know how you manage To always find the good words, thank you so much ❤

 

 

Dear fellows, we have To be so strong in this journey!

Take good care of yourselves ❤

 

 

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Sassenach

Erell

 

I am so sorry to read about your grandma.

You are going through a very rough patch and it would be good to have your loved ones around you if at all possible.

I remember feeling the need to help, but also looking for reasons not to because my tortured brain was being vindictive.

Your dad would like his little girl there I am sure.

Can you talk to him, explain you may cry a lot, but really need to be with family at this time.

If you can stay for a few days and feel safe and loved even at this terrible time, everyone will benefit.

As for getting there. If your dad is too busy, try a friend, a taxi, an Uber.

25 minutes ago, Erell said:

I don't know if i'm the kind who would be first up To help.

I think I have got to know you well enough to be sure @Guilietta is right.

28 minutes ago, Erell said:

First I wanna apologize for my post : it is too late To edit it. But I realize that I imposed you drama,

Don't apologise we all need reassurance at times such as these.

It may have effect on others but is also part of us learning to empathise again, something which we cannot do in the depths of W/D.

Take care of you and big hugs from a fake scotsman.🤗

 

Sass

 

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Guilietta

Hello  Erell,

 

29 minutes ago, Erell said:

I got totally overwhelmed by these life events,  in a wave already hard. As nobody around me understand my incapicity To be away from my flat, or my High sensitivity, my lonelyness

 

These traumatic events are completely overwhelming even if you are not in WD. You got hit with a 'double whammy' this week. I am sorry for your angst and grateful that I can be of some support.

 

34 minutes ago, Erell said:

I have To accept that I can't, and it is really hard work To do.

 

To know what we can do, what we cannot do - and the wisdom to know the difference is an ongoing learning experience for me and it sounds like you too (and many, many others). 

37 minutes ago, Erell said:

I would have driven To give my mum a strong hug and then hold her hand all night.

 

I think she knows this and yoru friend, too. This is the best thing I can think of. Even if you can't be there in person - you are there in spirit. I think you would have been one of the first to be there if not the first. You are a generous and loving person with a heart of gold.

 

Will write you later today, mon ami.

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

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Erell

Hi dear Sass,

 

Thank you for your hugs, they are really welcome ! ❤

 

Actually it is not driving that makes me anxious, but being away from my flat. I know it sounds silly but the idea of not being able To be quickly in my flat if I Feel the need terrifies me.

I don't even know if I want To be with my family : I Feel anxious around people, even my beloved family. I Feel more safe in my flat...😓

 

Well this is a rough time, I would like a Windows To think clearer ;)

But nobody has power on this.

 

Thank you for your support ❤

 

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Sassenach

Have you been ruminating about this situation for the last few days?

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Erell

@Sassenach No, these 2 events happened today. 

Today I've been ruminating : Will I be able To go To funerals ? Will my family forgive me if I can't? ...

 

These ruminations lead me To ruminations about WD : what if I never see a Window Again? Will I be strong enough To go back To work ? Is a 3 weeks wave normal? Blahblah...

 

I meditated a bit and took a walk on thé seaside To try To change the Channel. 

 

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Sassenach
6 minutes ago, Erell said:

Will I be able To go To funerals ? Will my family forgive me if I can't

Stay positive for your gran, it may change nothing but at least you tried.

Of course they will forgive you.

The strongest human bond is between parent and child even if we have differences from time to time.

9 minutes ago, Erell said:

what if I never see a Window Again

You will.

 

10 minutes ago, Erell said:

Is a 3 weeks wave normal?

It may not be normal but is W/D normal.

 

10 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

I meditated a bit and took a walk on thé seaside To try To change the Channel

That's my girl, fight back.

 

A few more for you🤗🤗🤗🤗

 

Sass

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Erell

Sass : thank you ❤ 🤗

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Rhiannon

Hello sweetheart, I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself, keep it up. My thoughts and my heart are with you.

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Erell
10 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

Hello sweetheart, I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself, keep it up. My thoughts and my heart are with you.

 

You're an angel Rhi, thank you ❤

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Erell

Good morning.

 

Diary Thursday 7 Novembre/ day 44 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6am woke up with strong gut pain. Feeling that i'm going To faint. Anxiety lower than usual.

7am anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

Tinnitus. Felt disconnected and tired. 

10am anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4 

11.30am anxiety : 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6

1.30pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

2pm Bad news. Crying.

2.30pm: went To the seaside, walk.

5pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Deep sadness, but different from WD despair, know that this sadness is because of life events. 

7pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

Sadness.

8pm bedtime. 

All evening : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Sadness.

 

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up this morning with thé alarm at 7.30am. Glad because I felt like if my cortisol Spike was lower this morning, felt less agitated.

 

Have a Nice day !

 

ps i'm sorry, I don't Feel like I can read others threads today, give support. I hope i'll soon be able To do it Again. In the mean time, know that you all have my support and my love  ❤

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sunnysideup69

@Erell, don't worry about others here today, just concentrate on you. Sending big hugs xxx

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Guilietta

Hello @Erell

 

I am sending positive thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. I am thinking of you and you are doing all the right things for yourself - and that is the best any of us can do. I like the expression ' what I can do to change the channel.' That is brilliant and supports all of us  - even thought you t hink you are not uplifting us. :)

 

23 hours ago, Sassenach said:

The strongest human bond is between parent and child even if we have differences from time to time.

 

It's easy to forget this when we have disagreements. 😕 It is so true.

 

Hugs to you and thoghts with you,

 

Giulietta

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Erell

@sunnysideup69 and @Guilietta : thank you, you are both so adorable ❤

 

Actually, the day haven't been as bad as I negatively  expected: a lot of sadness, but less WD despair. It is sadness related To life events, different from WD despair. 

 

My mum is an incredibly strong woman, I  just hope I Will soon be able To take care of her ❤

 

Big hugs

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Sassenach

Erell, you are an enigma!

 

Just read your diary for yesterday, I was really worried about what I would find.

I have been concerned about your anxiety levels recently as I had hoped  they would improve as Cortisol spikes eased.

Finally they give you a break.

My experience with the spikes was that once they begin to ease up they improved further fairly quickly.

There were a  couple of short lived relapses but a steady improvement.

I wish this for you to help you through this period of your life.

Despite all that is happening there is only one 6 on your diary.

All your friends are wishing you well, me too.🤗

 

Sass

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Erell

@Sassenach : I don't understand why you say i'm an enigma, can you explain? I'm afraid i've done something wrong...

 

Thank you for your friendly wishes 🤗

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Sassenach

Sorry Errel, you have done nothing wrong.

 

The original term meant, difficult to understand.

We now use it to mean something that does not react in the way we expect.

I meant you are having a hard time and was fearing how you would be feeling when I checked in.

Your diary showed an improvement which was not expected at present, but I am so happy for you😎

You deserve a break.

 

Sass

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Erell

Sorry Sass, I may have overanalysed Again 🙃

 

Thank you for sharing your expérience about cortisol Spikes!

And for giving me permanent support! You are an amazing helper ❤ I don't know when i'll stabilize, but I know surely that it Will be a part thanks To you!

 

Take good care!

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Rhiannon
37 minutes ago, Erell said:

Sorry Sass, I may have overanalysed Again 🙃

 

Thank you for sharing your expérience about cortisol Spikes!

And for giving me permanent support! You are an amazing helper ❤ I don't know when i'll stabilize, but I know surely that it Will be a part thanks To you!

 

Take good care!

🙂  I don't think you overanalyzed, the word "enigma" is still used primarily to mean "mystery" or "difficult to understand" in American English, so that may be how it was translated to you. There are amusing differences between British English and American English. When my parents visited England they came back laughing about the things they misunderstood there or which sounded odd to them. Languages are living things, very fun but also sometimes a bit confusing!

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sunnysideup69

Hey @Erell, I'm glad you had less WD despair. And of course, totally natural to feel sadness at the events going on in your life at the moment. I think it's really good that you can *feel* ordinary feelings..... so often, the ADs cover those over. 

I had a really good cry last Saturday out of sadness, and it felt SO GOOD to get in touch with some genuine feeling again.

Wishing you a good day today. Big hugs from very chilly London.

xxxxx

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