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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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mustafa
48 minutes ago, Erell said:

@Sassenach and @Rhiannon :

 

if you stop by here, I would really appreciate your external point of view. 

 

Since almost one month i'm in a wave with 5/6 rate of symptoms. Days after days, it felt like if this wave was very slowly lowering in intensity.  You both told me that I had a lot of good signs, and I agree. 

 

Since Yesterday, I Feel like i'm back To worse days, anxiety has increased and terror came back. Can't even imagine going out of my bed today. 

 

Is it possible that I poop out ?

Was I in a Window without noticing it and now back in a wave ?

Is it just my wave going harder ? What could this mean ?

 

I don't know if you can help me To answer these questions, I'm so scared of going crazy. 

It really doesnt Feel like it is due To life events, it Feels chemical.

I'm scared of my own brain, last night feeling of needing To extract my brain from my head was terrifying. 

Scared of trying To sleep tonight and Feel terror Again. Or becoming crazy for good.

 

I'm sorry To bother you, I'm frightened like a hell with end. I Feel hopefull.

My dear erell, 

Your brain can't repeat a wave cycle of the same gains, the same suffer may happen but with new gains the second time. I know all of us don't want to understand as much as we want these unwanted symptomts to end. For sorry, we must bear and resist.( Even if they are not bearable).

Yesterday I was very very upset from excessive cycles of healing;  When I read your sentence that you won't let big pharma win, I had my strength from you, you made me very strong last night. I told my self : well, I have to continue even if I will be just able to be with erell and my friends.

I know your times are very hard and not easy at all erell but please trust the fact of healing, it is a real fact.

I hope @Sassenach and @Altostrata give you some information about this. 

Take care of your self♥️. All of this will be just a memory very soon.

 

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

You are not going crazy.

It is not chemical.

Think of it like this. If you were not going through W/D, how would you be feeling today?

My guess is feeling awful, teary, unhappy, experiencing grief.

We have to go through grief to heal and it is no different in W/D.

You also a very sensitive person who feels deeply.

Add all that up and feed it to a sensitised brain and the result is chaos, but like everything in W/D it will pass.

6 hours ago, Erell said:

Is it possible that I poop out ?

Was I in a Window without noticing it and now back in a wave ?

Is it just my wave going harder ? What could this mean ?

No, no and yes.

It means what I have explained above.

6 hours ago, Erell said:

I'm sorry To bother you, I'm frightened like a hell with no end. I Feel hopefull.

You are not bothering me or anyone else. You are going through a bad time which will pass.

Remember I told you baseline improvement is more important than a window.

Your base improvement is good and will be back on course soon.

In the meantime be kind to yourself.

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi @Sassenach 

 

Thank you for your reply!

If I was not in WD, I would be sad but glad To be with my family, and not in terror.

I spent the day in my bed in constant fear, like when I arrived here last Septembre. 

No sadness but High anxiety. Really Feels like something is going wrong, like if my progress went away. 

 

You told me that baseline improvment is important, and this baseline is awfull today.

I do really hope you're right about grief, it would mean there is nothing going wrong.

Oh sass,  I'm so scared!

 

Thank you for your support, I pray for better days.

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

You are not going crazy even though you may feel like you are. This is temporary. I have felt this way - and even my psych told me this before I started tapering. :) That being said - I will like your other friends here leave it to the experts to comment.

 

I am glad you went to the seaside and got some fresh air. :)

 

The emotional shock of your grandma's death and the stress over whether to go to her funeral or not- may be triggers for this uptick in anxiety.   The tinnitis, high anxiety and tremors really are miserable - but they will go away. Symptoms change over time - and emotional and physical seem to occur at the same time (my experience and that of others). 

 

During March I experienced the loss of my best friend. It triggered uptick in symptoms just like yours and they subsided.

 

We are going to win this battle against big pharma and medical professionals who put us on these meds and mismanaged tapers. With  determination and our support we will get off these drugs. 

 

In the meantime, I send you positive thoughts, prayers and lots of hugs. I think it is about dinner time in Brittany now. 

 

Enjoy a quiet evening.

 

Your friend,

Giulietta 💗

 

 

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Erell

Dear Guilietta 

 

I didn't go To the seaside today : anxiety was too High, managed a short walk To the neighborhood. 

 

I think that what makes me Feel so bad is the fact that i'm back in the same state than in Septembre (terror, stuck in my bed). Ironically it shows me how days were good with only 5 rate...

 

Thank you for talking about détermination and your support, your kind words help me ❤

Thank you also To @mustafa : everytime I Feel relief when I read your quiet words. 

 

I'm sorry i'm not very supportive on your threads these days : you may  think that i'm being selfish. I just can't write on others threads, too  much anxiety.

But I think of you all ❤

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sunnysideup69

A good evening to you, and hang in there, from London xxx I had uptick in anxiety too this last week, but we must remember, it will pass again xxx lots of love xxx

 

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Sassenach
34 minutes ago, Erell said:

this baseline is awfull today.

The point of baselines is to to take an average over the longer term not for one or two days.

37 minutes ago, Erell said:

I do really hope you're right about grief, it would mean there is nothing going wrong.

There is nothing going wrong, there would be something really wrong if you had no reaction.

Start and calm yourself down, relax, lullaby time.

Sleep well.

 

Sass

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Erell

@sunnysideup69 : thank you ❤

 

@Sassenach : thank you for telling me there is nothing going wrong ❤

I kept thinking I was poopingout today.

Thank you for your support, you're a gem!

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Sassenach

Gems are buried🏃‍♂️

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brassmonkey

Hi Erell-- I'm sorry to hear that you're are feeling so badly right now, but combining the shock of the last several days and the WD, it's quite normal to experience some pretty horrible feeling symptoms.  They will pass and you will be feeling better.  It may feel like a major setback but it's not.

 

Our baseline doesn't change from day to day or even week to week. It is a long term rolling average of our feelings over an extended time.  When we are in the thick of it, it can take many months to see a change in a persons baseline.  Which we call WDnormal.  Because they can feel so bad at the time, the changes in our symptoms from day today are not a good indicator of how well we are healing, but rather a distraction keeping us from seeing the big picture.

 

Poopout is a very slow process, it doesn't happen over night.  Like everything else related to ADs it takes many months to show up and can be very hard to detect.

 

Have you read this thread yet?  https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/13492-dealing-with-emotional-spirals/  many of the things you are currently experiencing can be tied to spiral thinking and as such can be controlled with a little practice.

 

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Erell

Thank you so much @brassmonkey for taking the time To support, and for reminding me the big picture.

 

I've already read the topic  about emotionnal spiral. I try To practice mindfullness everyday, and To watch my thoughts. I have To admit that with chemical terror and restlessness it is a very hard practice !

The feeling of going crazy particularly. 

I have To try harder !

 

You're a model for living off paxil,  thank you for sharing your wisdom.

 

 

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Rhiannon

I would call this a wave. This is normal. I am certain that it's normal withdrawal, although this wave may have been set off by life events combined with withdrawal.

 

The metaphor of "windows and waves" is not a solid, predictable scientific phenomenon that you can put on a calendar.  It's just a metaphor for how the healing process goes. It's a way to help people understand and navigate withdrawal. I usually just say it's "up and down."

 

People find it helpful to understand that various symptoms will come and go. But it's important not to read too much significance into those ups and downs. They are normal. They are how the process seems to work.

 

It may be that for you, your healing is going to be more gradual, less bumpy, with long periods of 5/6 gradually going to 4/5 then 3/4 over time, and only occasional deeper waves and higher windows. 

 

And you have had some stress in your life lately. You must be experiencing some grief right now around your family losses. That is probably part of the story.

 

Anyway, don't be alarmed. As I said when we first met, the first few months are usually pretty rough. You are definitely still in that period. It will get better. Take care of yourself and try not to upset yourself with lots of doomsday thinking, if possible. (Doomsday thinking is also a symptom of withdrawal however, and perfectly normal at this point.)

Edited by Rhiannon

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Cocopuffz17

Mindset is huge. When I was in the thick of my WD, I knew these symptoms had come to pass not to stay!!(I only knew this because the help of this forum and I would have not been able to do it without all the people here) Knowing that powered me through 6-7 awful months. I have noticed in my situation when my nutrition slips I almost instantly get WDs the next day. So that has made it very clear to me that nutrition is also key in healing. 
 

I went from not being able to do ONE push-up with crippling fatigue.... to today where I set a personal best at 640 lbs on the leg press! You will get through this! Remember, everyday that passes is another day closer to being healed!!! 

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sunnysideup69

Hello @Erell, just doing a morning check-in. Hoping you got some restful sleep..I wanna echo what Cocopuffz said about nutrition. It's really a key component. Sugar really makes blood sugar swing around, which doesn't help mood. How's your food intake/appetite?

Also @Rhiannon thanks for the reminder about the non precise manner of windows and waves, needed to read that.

Happy Tuesday all 😗

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

How are you feeling and how did you sleep?

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi!

 

@Rhiannon : thank you so much for your post ! I'm always impressed by your understanding of this process.

It is true that i've been focused on Windows and waves,  and on the fact that waves are supposed To get easier. This deeper hard time totally lost me. I'm so relieved that you all think there is nothing wrong,  and that you think I can still get better. It Feels like a major setback, so knowing that it Will get better 

I found your view about my recovery process very interesting, we'll see what Will be the future. 

 

@Cocopuffz17 and @sunnysideup69 : thank you for your kind support. I agree  about the importance of healthy diet. I don't drink alcohol  and eat only organic food.

Hugs 

 

@Sassenach :thank you for asking ❤

here is my diary :

 

Monday 11 Novembre/ day 48 on 10mg Paroxetine :

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (7)

7am anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am anxiety: 6-7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6. Feel disconnected. 

It Will be the same all morning. 

12 Tinnitus. Cry. I Will cry a lot all Afternoon.

All Afternoon: anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

8pm anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Strong headache. 

9.30pm strong nauseas. Feeling sick, shivers. 

 

I think I fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 5.30am this morning.

 

 

Yesterday I spent the day in constant fear in my bed. Now I still am in constant fear but a tiny bit than Yesterday (anxiety between 6 and 7). I Feel highly nauseous and sick,  frightened.

 

It still Feels like a setback, I naively thought that this anxiety intensity was behind me. Work on acceptance and hope for better days.

 

 

I just told my mum I won't come To funerals this Afternoon, and she understand and accept. 

 

Thank you for your support in this hard time down  ❤

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Sassenach

Any terrors last night?

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Erell

No terror! Only very High anxiety. 

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Sassenach

But better than yesterday🤗

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sunnysideup69

Sending big hugs, @Erell. Thinking of you today x

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Benzhelp
1 hour ago, Erell said:

Hi!

 

@Rhiannon : thank you so much for your post ! I'm always impressed by your understanding of this process.

It is true that i've been focused on Windows and waves,  and on the fact that waves are supposed To get easier. This deeper hard time totally lost me. I'm so relieved that you all think there is nothing wrong,  and that you think I can still get better. It Feels like a major setback, so knowing that it Will get better 

I found your view about my recovery process very interesting, we'll see what Will be the future. 

 

@Cocopuffz17 and @sunnysideup69 : thank you for your kind support. I agree  about the importance of healthy diet. I don't drink alcohol  and eat only organic food.

Hugs 

 

@Sassenach :thank you for asking ❤

here is my diary :

 

Monday 11 Novembre/ day 48 on 10mg Paroxetine :

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (7)

7am anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am anxiety: 6-7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6. Feel disconnected. 

It Will be the same all morning. 

12 Tinnitus. Cry. I Will cry a lot all Afternoon.

All Afternoon: anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

8pm anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Strong headache. 

9.30pm strong nauseas. Feeling sick, shivers. 

 

I think I fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 5.30am this morning.

 

 

Yesterday I spent the day in constant fear in my bed. Now I still am in constant fear but a tiny bit than Yesterday (anxiety between 6 and 7). I Feel highly nauseous and sick,  frightened.

 

It still Feels like a setback, I naively thought that this anxiety intensity was behind me. Work on acceptance and hope for better days.

 

 

I just told my mum I won't come To funerals this Afternoon, and she understand and accept. 

 

Thank you for your support in this hard time down  ❤

 

Hi Erell,

Thank you for your update.

So sorry to hear that you are suffering  <3 I hope find peace and relief from these symptoms very soon. 

It is smart to avoid socialising when in wavelike times, since it's hard enough dealing with it. 

My condolences. Funerals are so extremely stressful, so sorry you have to go through grieving on top of all this. It is good to hear your Mom is supportive of your decision. 

Prayers for you and your loved ones at this difficult time <3

Take good care of yourself, Erell.

Wishing you speedy Healing.

Blessings, Love and Light <3

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Guilietta

Hello Erell,

 

How are you today?  It looks like you are doing better than yesterday. I am so glad.

 

You have received some good advice and thoughts from everyone who's posted.

Making a decision about whether to attend the funeral is good - indecision about something is stressful all by itself.

Attending funerals is stressful and you need less of that now. Between the grief - and seeing so many other people at once - would be hard. I understand that.

That your mother understands that you can't come and why is also a huge relief for you. Now I hope you will believe this and not think 'what if she truly doesn't mean this'?

The death of a family member is so stressful - one of the most stressful things a human has to deal with.

 

Stress makes everything worse - including many health conditions like anxiety and its physical and psychological symptoms. You have received a big shock with your grandmother's death. You haven't moved backward.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

 

 

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Erell

Hi

 

Thank you for your much appreciate support @Benzhelp ! ❤

 

Dear @Guilietta : I really don't know if I Feel better than Yesterday,  I'm terrified in my bed. This brutal return To the worst days of September makes me Feel really unsafe and make me doubt (is it possible that I get better soon or Will I live stuck in this state for weeks, months?). How do people live with this constant sense of doom, with this horrible permanent panic attack ? 

i'm so scared it could last weeks.

I don't manage To meditate or relax, and can't imagine going out, so I try To distract myself with silly vidéos To not drawn into emotionnal fear.

 

I have terrible thoughts about something going wrong, so I keep reading Rhiannon's and Sass post and that they thinks its normal.

Everybody here seem To think that I Will Feel better soon, so I hang on this idea. 

 

Yes I do believe my mum ;)

 

A friend came this morning  : I asked To leave after an hour because I was too anxious To bear her présence. I try To not Feel guilty or desperate because of this. 

 

Lot of love To all ❤

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Guilietta

Hi Sweetie,

 

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.

 

I know how it is to have this anxiety - and ask myself when the panic, tears, shivers, anxiety, etc. will end. Although these are a memory for me - which I try to keep in the past and which yours will eventually be - was to know that every day I was marching forward. I didn't realize it would be so awful. I didn't realize how long it would last. After a few months it started to get better.

 

Then the symptoms (including new ones) came back in June. Some of the symptoms decreased immensely.  I thought I was going to go bananas and wondered if I would never get off this medicine or be better. I asked myself if this was worth it. Then I reminded myself why I was getting off this drug. Any chemical that could affect me this way was toxic. I knew that at some point I would go through this and didn't want to undo my progress in healing or make things worse by taking another medication,

 

A few Things I did to help:

  • I distracted myself with videos, seeing people when I could and for short periods - I got some sense of normalcy.
  • I finally told a family member who could undestand a bit  and they would look after me if I needed their help. I felt safer and better after doing this.
  • I told myself this would pass as had the months of pain that started in December

 

Things have been much better for me since June.  I still have a journey ahead of me.

 

Rainy and cloudy here. Supposed to turn very cold this afternoon. Good think you helped me pick out a new coat with your good opinions!  :) It really helped me choose!

 

Hugs, 🤗

Giulietta

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Erell

Dear Guilietta 

 

Its cold here too!

 

Seeing people is not easy: when my symptoms are at 5, I want To see people and To interact. But with this High constant fear, it is really hard and I find it easier To be Alone. 

The friend that visited today is a very good friend, and I thought she understood WD. But today the things she told me didn't help ("you can't keep on living like this, this is too long you have To push yourself" ...)

It is hard To find the balance between pushing myself To see people and knowing when its a bad idea.

I often find it easier Alone, so I don't have To face others judgements. 

 

Today I read Again brassmonkey's topic : "how long Will it take". It helped me a bit going through the day.

It really is a day waiting for the end for it!

 

Give you a lot of hugs.

 

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Rhiannon
6 minutes ago, Erell said:

Dear Guilietta 

 

Its cold here too!

 

Seeing people is not easy: when my symptoms are at 5, I want To see people and To interact. But with this High constant fear, it is really hard and I find it easier To be Alone. 

The friend that visited today is a very good friend, and I thought she understood WD. But today the things she told me didn't help ("you can't keep on living like this, this is too long you have To push yourself" ...)

It is hard To find the balance between pushing myself To see people and knowing when its a bad idea.

I often find it easier Alone, so I don't have To face others judgements. 

 

Today I read Again brassmonkey's topic : "how long Will it take". It helped me a bit going through the day.

It really is a day waiting for the end for it!

 

Give you a lot of hugs.

 

 

It's hard to deal with other peoples' opinions about this. One thing I have actually found helpful is reading or hearing stories of people who had TBI (brain injury due to concussion). They often have long and difficult healing paths over years and encounter some of the same things, including well-meaning friends telling them they just need to try harder.  Brain injury is really difficult to understand if you have never experienced it.

 

I think when we are normal we think that we are "us" and we take for granted that we will continue to be the self we are accustomed to being. We take our experiences and our brains for granted and we don't realize how easily all of that can change and how helpless we are when our brains are harmed. It is really difficult for people to have insight into this unless they have experienced it.

 

I have watched many people go through it and myself as well. Often it takes longer than we would like it to, but the healing process itself is pretty consistent and does seem to happen eventually as long as people take care of themselves. I see every sign that this is what is happening with you. You are going to come out of this. It's just going to take longer than you want, it's going to continue to be an ordeal for some time yet, but just keep walking through one day to the next, listen to your body and trust yourself, you are on the path.

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Erell

As always Rhiannon, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I don't have thé words To express you how unvaluable it is in days like this ! ❤

I hope this brutal setback Will improve soon, and knowing that you find it normal helps a lot !

Big hugs !

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Vegalia

Coucou Erell 

 

Comme je te comprends. Parfois j'aimerais être seule pour ne pas me sentir incomprise ou jugée, ne pas avoir à me forcer trop. Cacher ma souffrance, supporter un peu de lumière ou la télé pour pas m'isoler complètement dans la chambre trop souvent.

 

Depuis de nombreuses années je pense qu'on ne peut pas vraiment comprendre ce qu'on n'a pas vécu et encore chacun vit les choses différemment.

Dans les moments difficiles, bien des proches sont pourtant bien intentionnés mais involontairement maladroits... Ils peuvent parfois dire des choses dures pour toi alors qu'ils t'aiment. Il y a un moment déjà je discutais avec une amie atteinte d'une maladie importante. Elle pleurait, car des gens avaient été maladroits, minimisant sa maladie, ou lui disant qu'elle pouvait rechuter. Je l'ai réconfortée. Je savais ses problèmes de santé importants, même si je ne pouvais me représenter ce qu'elle vivait et ça elle le savait. Je ne suis pas un professionnel de santé mais secrétaire médicale : j'avais 2-3notions. Je lui ai dit que ces gens l'aimaient, ne lui voulaient que du bien, mais étaient maladroits par méconnaissance.

Il y en a qui ne comprennent pas mais ont un esprit plus tourné vers l'empathie ou sont plus sensibles aux ressentis des autres.

 

Moi je trouve que tu fais beaucoup de choses chaque fois que tu le peux en lisant ton journal. Il faut se pousser un peu à sa mesure mais aussi se ménager, être doux avec soi-même.

Si certains jours on peut rien faire c'est comme ça.

J'ai confiance en toi pour trouver cet équilibre dont tu parles car tu m'inspires beaucoup par rapport à ça quand je te lis.

 

Gros bisous :)

 

Vega 

 

 

(Erell cuckoo How I understand you. Sometimes I would like to be alone so as not to feel misunderstood or judged, not to have to force myself too much. Hide my pain, endure a little light or the TV to not isolate myself completely in the room too often. For many years I think we can not really understand what we did not live and still everyone lives things differently. In difficult times, many relatives are well intentioned but unintentionally clumsy ... They can sometimes say hard things for you while they love you. A while ago I was chatting with a friend with a major illness. She was crying because people had been clumsy, minimizing her illness, or telling her that she could relapse. I comforted her. I knew her serious health problems, even though I could not picture what she was going through and that she knew. I am not a health professional but medical secretary: I had 2-3notions. I told her that these people loved her, wanted her only good, but were clumsy because of ignorance. There are some who do not understand but have a more empathic mind or are more sensitive to the feelings of others. I think you do a lot of things whenever you can by reading your journal. We must push ourselves a little to his measure but also be careful, be gentle with oneself. If some days we can do anything it's like that. I trust you to find the balance you are talking about because you inspire me a lot compared to that when I read you. Lots of love :) Vega)

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Erell

Merci Vega ❤

 

Hard times this evening. I coped today by telling myself that this setback won't last long, maybe a week but not more, and I visualised myself with my family for Christmas.

But tonight I Feel terrible, knowing that i'm telling myself fairytales,  that nobody knows if this horrible setback Will last months. 

I know this is emotionnal spiral so I try To distract but it is very hard.

 

Lets hope for a better day tomorrow! ❤

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Sassenach

Good evening Erell.

 

This is going to be a long week but by the weekend I expect to see positivity return.

You are going to get back on course and move on.

Your baseline depends on it, and you can do it.

Time for soft music, hot bath, TV off and relax.

The rest of the week starts now.

 

Sass🤗

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Guilietta

Hello Erell,

 

Just a quick note - I am seeing how you are doing and also that I am freezing here. 😬 At 7 a.m. it was 48 F. Now at 2 pm it is 32 F (0 C.) Brrr.....not a good day to walk at the seaside for me. :) As @Sassenach said - a perfect day for a hot bath and stay in to watch some TV!

 

@Vegalia said it well when people may say things out of ignorance. They may love you - but don't understand what you are going through. They may mean well. Your friend who said (from your quote:

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

things she told me didn't help ("you can't keep on living like this, this is too long you have To push yourself" ...)

 

I would say spoke out of ignorance. Sometimes we should take what others say 'with a grain of salt.'  The comments made by a well meaning friend fall into that category.  As @Rhiannon said - unless people have experienced our situation - that sensitive our brrain is what may be a 'small' thing - they don't undestand it.

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Seeing people is not easy: when my symptoms are at 5, I want To see people and To interact. But with this High constant fear, it is really hard and I find it easier To be Alone. 

 

I understand. And it is hard to know when you may go from a 5 to a 7. Do you call people when you are a 5 or 4? That way you can then say you have to go when you start to feel bad? I mentioned on the phone anxiety thread that texting is less stressful.  That way you can communicate when you want and have control. 

 

Thinking of you.

Hugs,

Giulietta

 

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Erell

Good morning. 

 

12 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Your baseline depends on it, and you can do it.

Dear Sass, I don't understand this sentence, would you agree To explain?

 

 

@Guilietta : yes I prefer texting, less stressfull!

But as I had plenty of time at 5 last week, I started To interact more, calling people and be happy if they propose To come. This week is a different story ;)

 

Diary Tuesday 12 Novembre/ day 49 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

5.30am: woke up anxious (6). Tinnitus.

7am Feel sick, nauseas.

anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5. Strong nauseas.

10am: anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

11am : a friend come. Happy To see her but too anxious To bear it. Cry a lot. Asked her To leave after 1hour.

12 anxiety: 7. Sense of urge. Feeling awfull. 

1.30pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

It Will be the same all Afternoon, with some quick Spikes at 7 for anxiety. 

5.30pm: strong headache.

7pm : anxiety: 7, catastrophizing thoughts, feeling awfull.

Strong headache. 

Anxiety Will very slowly go To 6.

10pm anxiety: 6 / despair: 5 / restlessness; 5.

 

I think I fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up highly anxious at 12.45. I fall asleep Again one hour later. Then I had a slight anxious sleep until 7.30am, waking up anxious every hour.

 

I must say i'm quite impressed, and grateful, that my body fall asleep despite the anxiety and tension !

This week I don't wear earplugs, too anxious To bear it. 

 

 

---》 Yesterday was a hard day. Felt sick and nauseous all day + High anxiety. 

I spent the day mostly in my bed. 

I know I should try To walk outside but it really felt impossible.

No terror Yesterday. 

Since Monday it is really hard To eat, no appetite and strong nauseas. I force myself with bananas and rice. 

 

When I remember that I went To a shop last week To buy food, without panicking, it is really strange, like if it was someone else ! Same with the cortisol Spike lower, or the fact that I went To work To chat with colleagues 😮 hard To believe it is me while i'm scared in my bed!

I try To hang on To these memories To remind that it is possible!

And hope I Will very soon be able Again  To do it !

 

About this setback, I keep on asking myself if I did something wrong. Did I walk too much on the seaside? Did I use too much positive affirmations ? ...

It is so brutal that I need To find rationnal explanations. I have To accept that there is nothing rationnal in this process.

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Erell

Good evening, 

 

Just need To write my thoughts. 

It Feels like if my brain is re-starting all the process from the beginning, a round 2 with All worse symptoms (anxiety, despair, agoraphobia, nauseas, headache, High cortisol Spike,..).

I keep telling myself, To Cope,  that maybe my brain is speeder and the symptoms Will lower faster than in round 1.

 

I know it is a bit silly To focus on Christmas, but I keep on visualising myself with my family at the end of December, feeling better. Maybe not normal, but at least better. It helps me To cope with doom thinking ( it is possible that everything go worse, or that this intensity stay constant for months ).

 

I know that nobody can predict how long it Will be To stabilise,  or if this hard setback Will last. And it terrifies me. Days are long, back frightened in my bed, with no relief, and i'm so exhausted. i'm worried of not being strong enough.

its been since September that I try To survive everyday. I know it is not that long, but it Feels like eternity. 

 

This is not a positive note.Hard To stay hopefull right now. 

 

Wish you all better days and hope my smile Will be back soon To show it To all of you ❤

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

Short of time just now but will speak tomorrow.

 

Normal routine tonight.

 

You have had had a tragic week which would have affected you without W/D.

Without W/D you would get past it, with W/D you will also get past it.

 

Sleep well

 

Sass

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Erell

Sass, thank you for your support  : i've seen that you were really busy on SA currently, what a mess doctors do!

Hope you manage To take care of yourself despite all this, and overall hope you Feel as Well as last week ❤

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Guilietta
12 hours ago, Erell said:

yes I prefer texting, less stressfull!

But as I had plenty of time at 5 last week, I started To interact more, calling people and be happy if they propose To come. This week is a different story

 

With texting we don't have to say very much and it is not same time. :) We have to be in the right frame of mind (I do) to pick the phone and schedule visits. Maybe that is why when I plan to do something in the future - and then when the actual date/time rolls around - I may change my mind.  It is like last week talkingon the phone and this week isolating yourself. Maybe it is a form of social anxiety? Did you ever have that?

 

I prefer writing letters - which is what I did before email. It is less stress than texting. It was people did in the 'old' days. 🤣

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

visualising myself with my family at the end of December, feeling better.

 

Positive visualization helps to cope with doom and gloom thinking. 

 

WD is so tiring - it seems to never end. 😕 The unexpected events and stress of the past week made your WD symptoms worse. I think you have done a good job managing this even though you feel like you have made a set back. Losing a loved one is so stressful. I can't imagine how I would be doing if I ws in your shoes.

 

I sent you a little PM. Hugs,

 

Guilietta

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