Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Cocopuffz17]

Mindset is huge. When I was in the thick of my WD, I knew these symptoms had come to pass not to stay!!(I only knew this because the help of this forum and I would have not been able to do it without all the people here) Knowing that powered me through 6-7 awful months. I have noticed in my situation when my nutrition slips I almost instantly get WDs the next day. So that has made it very clear to me that nutrition is also key in healing. 
 

I went from not being able to do ONE push-up with crippling fatigue.... to today where I set a personal best at 640 lbs on the leg press! You will get through this! Remember, everyday that passes is another day closer to being healed!!! 

[sunnysideup69]

Hello @Erell, just doing a morning check-in. Hoping you got some restful sleep..I wanna echo what Cocopuffz said about nutrition. It's really a key component. Sugar really makes blood sugar swing around, which doesn't help mood. How's your food intake/appetite?

Also @Rhiannon thanks for the reminder about the non precise manner of windows and waves, needed to read that.

Happy Tuesday all 😗

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

How are you feeling and how did you sleep?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi!

 

@Rhiannon : thank you so much for your post ! I'm always impressed by your understanding of this process.

It is true that i've been focused on Windows and waves,  and on the fact that waves are supposed To get easier. This deeper hard time totally lost me. I'm so relieved that you all think there is nothing wrong,  and that you think I can still get better. It Feels like a major setback, so knowing that it Will get better 

I found your view about my recovery process very interesting, we'll see what Will be the future. 

 

@Cocopuffz17 and @sunnysideup69 : thank you for your kind support. I agree  about the importance of healthy diet. I don't drink alcohol  and eat only organic food.

Hugs 

 

@Sassenach :thank you for asking ❤

here is my diary :

 

Monday 11 Novembre/ day 48 on 10mg Paroxetine :

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (7)

7am : anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 6-7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6. Feel disconnected. 

It Will be the same all morning. 

12 : Tinnitus. Cry. I Will cry a lot all Afternoon.

All Afternoon: anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

8pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Strong headache. 

9.30pm : strong nauseas. Feeling sick, shivers. 

 

I think I fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 5.30am this morning.

 

 

Yesterday I spent the day in constant fear in my bed. Now I still am in constant fear but a tiny bit than Yesterday (anxiety between 6 and 7). I Feel highly nauseous and sick,  frightened.

 

It still Feels like a setback, I naively thought that this anxiety intensity was behind me. Work on acceptance and hope for better days.

 

 

I just told my mum I won't come To funerals this Afternoon, and she understand and accept. 

 

Thank you for your support in this hard time down  ❤

[Sassenach]

Any terrors last night?

[Erell]

No terror! Only very High anxiety. 

[Sassenach]

But better than yesterday🤗

[sunnysideup69]

Sending big hugs, @Erell. Thinking of you today x

[Benzhelp]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

Hi!

 

@Rhiannon : thank you so much for your post ! I'm always impressed by your understanding of this process.

It is true that i've been focused on Windows and waves,  and on the fact that waves are supposed To get easier. This deeper hard time totally lost me. I'm so relieved that you all think there is nothing wrong,  and that you think I can still get better. It Feels like a major setback, so knowing that it Will get better 

I found your view about my recovery process very interesting, we'll see what Will be the future. 

 

@Cocopuffz17 and @sunnysideup69 : thank you for your kind support. I agree  about the importance of healthy diet. I don't drink alcohol  and eat only organic food.

Hugs 

 

@Sassenach :thank you for asking ❤

here is my diary :

 

Monday 11 Novembre/ day 48 on 10mg Paroxetine :

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (7)

7am : anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 6-7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6. Feel disconnected. 

It Will be the same all morning. 

12 : Tinnitus. Cry. I Will cry a lot all Afternoon.

All Afternoon: anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

8pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Strong headache. 

9.30pm : strong nauseas. Feeling sick, shivers. 

 

I think I fall asleep around midnight. Woke up anxious at 5.30am this morning.

 

 

Yesterday I spent the day in constant fear in my bed. Now I still am in constant fear but a tiny bit than Yesterday (anxiety between 6 and 7). I Feel highly nauseous and sick,  frightened.

 

It still Feels like a setback, I naively thought that this anxiety intensity was behind me. Work on acceptance and hope for better days.

 

 

I just told my mum I won't come To funerals this Afternoon, and she understand and accept. 

 

Thank you for your support in this hard time down  ❤

 

Hi Erell,

Thank you for your update.

So sorry to hear that you are suffering  <3 I hope find peace and relief from these symptoms very soon. 

It is smart to avoid socialising when in wavelike times, since it's hard enough dealing with it. 

My condolences. Funerals are so extremely stressful, so sorry you have to go through grieving on top of all this. It is good to hear your Mom is supportive of your decision. 

Prayers for you and your loved ones at this difficult time <3

Take good care of yourself, Erell.

Wishing you speedy Healing.

Blessings, Love and Light <3

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

How are you today?  It looks like you are doing better than yesterday. I am so glad.

 

You have received some good advice and thoughts from everyone who's posted.

Making a decision about whether to attend the funeral is good - indecision about something is stressful all by itself.

Attending funerals is stressful and you need less of that now. Between the grief - and seeing so many other people at once - would be hard. I understand that.

That your mother understands that you can't come and why is also a huge relief for you. Now I hope you will believe this and not think 'what if she truly doesn't mean this'?

The death of a family member is so stressful - one of the most stressful things a human has to deal with.

 

Stress makes everything worse - including many health conditions like anxiety and its physical and psychological symptoms. You have received a big shock with your grandmother's death. You haven't moved backward.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

 

 

[Erell]

Hi

 

Thank you for your much appreciate support @Benzhelp ! ❤

 

Dear @Guilietta : I really don't know if I Feel better than Yesterday,  I'm terrified in my bed. This brutal return To the worst days of September makes me Feel really unsafe and make me doubt (is it possible that I get better soon or Will I live stuck in this state for weeks, months?). How do people live with this constant sense of doom, with this horrible permanent panic attack ? 

i'm so scared it could last weeks.

I don't manage To meditate or relax, and can't imagine going out, so I try To distract myself with silly vidéos To not drawn into emotionnal fear.

 

I have terrible thoughts about something going wrong, so I keep reading Rhiannon's and Sass post and that they thinks its normal.

Everybody here seem To think that I Will Feel better soon, so I hang on this idea. 

 

Yes I do believe my mum

 

A friend came this morning  : I asked To leave after an hour because I was too anxious To bear her présence. I try To not Feel guilty or desperate because of this. 

 

Lot of love To all ❤

[Giulietta]

Hi Sweetie,

 

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.

 

I know how it is to have this anxiety - and ask myself when the panic, tears, shivers, anxiety, etc. will end. Although these are a memory for me - which I try to keep in the past and which yours will eventually be - was to know that every day I was marching forward. I didn't realize it would be so awful. I didn't realize how long it would last. After a few months it started to get better.

 

Then the symptoms (including new ones) came back in June. Some of the symptoms decreased immensely.  I thought I was going to go bananas and wondered if I would never get off this medicine or be better. I asked myself if this was worth it. Then I reminded myself why I was getting off this drug. Any chemical that could affect me this way was toxic. I knew that at some point I would go through this and didn't want to undo my progress in healing or make things worse by taking another medication,

 

A few Things I did to help:

• I distracted myself with videos, seeing people when I could and for short periods - I got some sense of normalcy.
• I finally told a family member who could undestand a bit  and they would look after me if I needed their help. I felt safer and better after doing this.
• I told myself this would pass as had the months of pain that started in December

 

Things have been much better for me since June.  I still have a journey ahead of me.

 

Rainy and cloudy here. Supposed to turn very cold this afternoon. Good think you helped me pick out a new coat with your good opinions!  It really helped me choose!

 

Hugs, 🤗

Giulietta

[Erell]

Dear Guilietta 

 

Its cold here too!

 

Seeing people is not easy: when my symptoms are at 5, I want To see people and To interact. But with this High constant fear, it is really hard and I find it easier To be Alone. 

The friend that visited today is a very good friend, and I thought she understood WD. But today the things she told me didn't help ("you can't keep on living like this, this is too long you have To push yourself" ...)

It is hard To find the balance between pushing myself To see people and knowing when its a bad idea.

I often find it easier Alone, so I don't have To face others judgements. 

 

Today I read Again brassmonkey's topic : "how long Will it take". It helped me a bit going through the day.

It really is a day waiting for the end for it!

 

Give you a lot of hugs.

 

[Rhiannon]

6 minutes ago, Erell said:

Dear Guilietta 

 

Its cold here too!

 

Seeing people is not easy: when my symptoms are at 5, I want To see people and To interact. But with this High constant fear, it is really hard and I find it easier To be Alone. 

The friend that visited today is a very good friend, and I thought she understood WD. But today the things she told me didn't help ("you can't keep on living like this, this is too long you have To push yourself" ...)

It is hard To find the balance between pushing myself To see people and knowing when its a bad idea.

I often find it easier Alone, so I don't have To face others judgements. 

 

Today I read Again brassmonkey's topic : "how long Will it take". It helped me a bit going through the day.

It really is a day waiting for the end for it!

 

Give you a lot of hugs.

 

 

It's hard to deal with other peoples' opinions about this. One thing I have actually found helpful is reading or hearing stories of people who had TBI (brain injury due to concussion). They often have long and difficult healing paths over years and encounter some of the same things, including well-meaning friends telling them they just need to try harder.  Brain injury is really difficult to understand if you have never experienced it.

 

I think when we are normal we think that we are "us" and we take for granted that we will continue to be the self we are accustomed to being. We take our experiences and our brains for granted and we don't realize how easily all of that can change and how helpless we are when our brains are harmed. It is really difficult for people to have insight into this unless they have experienced it.

 

I have watched many people go through it and myself as well. Often it takes longer than we would like it to, but the healing process itself is pretty consistent and does seem to happen eventually as long as people take care of themselves. I see every sign that this is what is happening with you. You are going to come out of this. It's just going to take longer than you want, it's going to continue to be an ordeal for some time yet, but just keep walking through one day to the next, listen to your body and trust yourself, you are on the path.

[Erell]

As always Rhiannon, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I don't have thé words To express you how unvaluable it is in days like this ! ❤

I hope this brutal setback Will improve soon, and knowing that you find it normal helps a lot !

Big hugs !

[Vegalia]

Coucou Erell 

 

Comme je te comprends. Parfois j'aimerais être seule pour ne pas me sentir incomprise ou jugée, ne pas avoir à me forcer trop. Cacher ma souffrance, supporter un peu de lumière ou la télé pour pas m'isoler complètement dans la chambre trop souvent.

 

Depuis de nombreuses années je pense qu'on ne peut pas vraiment comprendre ce qu'on n'a pas vécu et encore chacun vit les choses différemment.

Dans les moments difficiles, bien des proches sont pourtant bien intentionnés mais involontairement maladroits... Ils peuvent parfois dire des choses dures pour toi alors qu'ils t'aiment. Il y a un moment déjà je discutais avec une amie atteinte d'une maladie importante. Elle pleurait, car des gens avaient été maladroits, minimisant sa maladie, ou lui disant qu'elle pouvait rechuter. Je l'ai réconfortée. Je savais ses problèmes de santé importants, même si je ne pouvais me représenter ce qu'elle vivait et ça elle le savait. Je ne suis pas un professionnel de santé mais secrétaire médicale : j'avais 2-3notions. Je lui ai dit que ces gens l'aimaient, ne lui voulaient que du bien, mais étaient maladroits par méconnaissance.

Il y en a qui ne comprennent pas mais ont un esprit plus tourné vers l'empathie ou sont plus sensibles aux ressentis des autres.

 

Moi je trouve que tu fais beaucoup de choses chaque fois que tu le peux en lisant ton journal. Il faut se pousser un peu à sa mesure mais aussi se ménager, être doux avec soi-même.

Si certains jours on peut rien faire c'est comme ça.

J'ai confiance en toi pour trouver cet équilibre dont tu parles car tu m'inspires beaucoup par rapport à ça quand je te lis.

 

Gros bisous

 

Vega 

 

 

(Erell cuckoo How I understand you. Sometimes I would like to be alone so as not to feel misunderstood or judged, not to have to force myself too much. Hide my pain, endure a little light or the TV to not isolate myself completely in the room too often. For many years I think we can not really understand what we did not live and still everyone lives things differently. In difficult times, many relatives are well intentioned but unintentionally clumsy ... They can sometimes say hard things for you while they love you. A while ago I was chatting with a friend with a major illness. She was crying because people had been clumsy, minimizing her illness, or telling her that she could relapse. I comforted her. I knew her serious health problems, even though I could not picture what she was going through and that she knew. I am not a health professional but medical secretary: I had 2-3notions. I told her that these people loved her, wanted her only good, but were clumsy because of ignorance. There are some who do not understand but have a more empathic mind or are more sensitive to the feelings of others. I think you do a lot of things whenever you can by reading your journal. We must push ourselves a little to his measure but also be careful, be gentle with oneself. If some days we can do anything it's like that. I trust you to find the balance you are talking about because you inspire me a lot compared to that when I read you. Lots of love Vega)

[Erell]

Merci Vega ❤

 

Hard times this evening. I coped today by telling myself that this setback won't last long, maybe a week but not more, and I visualised myself with my family for Christmas.

But tonight I Feel terrible, knowing that i'm telling myself fairytales,  that nobody knows if this horrible setback Will last months. 

I know this is emotionnal spiral so I try To distract but it is very hard.

 

Lets hope for a better day tomorrow! ❤

[Sassenach]

Good evening Erell.

 

This is going to be a long week but by the weekend I expect to see positivity return.

You are going to get back on course and move on.

Your baseline depends on it, and you can do it.

Time for soft music, hot bath, TV off and relax.

The rest of the week starts now.

 

Sass🤗

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

Just a quick note - I am seeing how you are doing and also that I am freezing here. 😬 At 7 a.m. it was 48 F. Now at 2 pm it is 32 F (0 C.) Brrr.....not a good day to walk at the seaside for me. As @Sassenach said - a perfect day for a hot bath and stay in to watch some TV!

 

@Vegalia said it well when people may say things out of ignorance. They may love you - but don't understand what you are going through. They may mean well. Your friend who said (from your quote:

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

things she told me didn't help ("you can't keep on living like this, this is too long you have To push yourself" ...)

 

I would say spoke out of ignorance. Sometimes we should take what others say 'with a grain of salt.'  The comments made by a well meaning friend fall into that category.  As @Rhiannon said - unless people have experienced our situation - that sensitive our brrain is what may be a 'small' thing - they don't undestand it.

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Seeing people is not easy: when my symptoms are at 5, I want To see people and To interact. But with this High constant fear, it is really hard and I find it easier To be Alone. 

 

I understand. And it is hard to know when you may go from a 5 to a 7. Do you call people when you are a 5 or 4? That way you can then say you have to go when you start to feel bad? I mentioned on the phone anxiety thread that texting is less stressful.  That way you can communicate when you want and have control. 

 

Thinking of you.

Hugs,

Giulietta

 

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

12 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Your baseline depends on it, and you can do it.

Dear Sass, I don't understand this sentence, would you agree To explain?

 

 

@Guilietta : yes I prefer texting, less stressfull!

But as I had plenty of time at 5 last week, I started To interact more, calling people and be happy if they propose To come. This week is a different story

 

Diary Tuesday 12 Novembre/ day 49 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

5.30am: woke up anxious (6). Tinnitus.

7am : Feel sick, nauseas.

anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5. Strong nauseas.

10am: anxiety: 7 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

11am : a friend come. Happy To see her but too anxious To bear it. Cry a lot. Asked her To leave after 1hour.

12 : anxiety: 7. Sense of urge. Feeling awfull. 

1.30pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

It Will be the same all Afternoon, with some quick Spikes at 7 for anxiety. 

5.30pm: strong headache.

7pm : anxiety: 7, catastrophizing thoughts, feeling awfull.

Strong headache. 

Anxiety Will very slowly go To 6.

10pm : anxiety: 6 / despair: 5 / restlessness; 5.

 

I think I fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up highly anxious at 12.45. I fall asleep Again one hour later. Then I had a slight anxious sleep until 7.30am, waking up anxious every hour.

 

I must say i'm quite impressed, and grateful, that my body fall asleep despite the anxiety and tension !

This week I don't wear earplugs, too anxious To bear it. 

 

 

---》 Yesterday was a hard day. Felt sick and nauseous all day + High anxiety. 

I spent the day mostly in my bed. 

I know I should try To walk outside but it really felt impossible.

No terror Yesterday. 

Since Monday it is really hard To eat, no appetite and strong nauseas. I force myself with bananas and rice. 

 

When I remember that I went To a shop last week To buy food, without panicking, it is really strange, like if it was someone else ! Same with the cortisol Spike lower, or the fact that I went To work To chat with colleagues 😮 hard To believe it is me while i'm scared in my bed!

I try To hang on To these memories To remind that it is possible!

And hope I Will very soon be able Again  To do it !

 

About this setback, I keep on asking myself if I did something wrong. Did I walk too much on the seaside? Did I use too much positive affirmations ? ...

It is so brutal that I need To find rationnal explanations. I have To accept that there is nothing rationnal in this process.

[Erell]

Good evening, 

 

Just need To write my thoughts. 

It Feels like if my brain is re-starting all the process from the beginning, a round 2 with All worse symptoms (anxiety, despair, agoraphobia, nauseas, headache, High cortisol Spike,..).

I keep telling myself, To Cope,  that maybe my brain is speeder and the symptoms Will lower faster than in round 1.

 

I know it is a bit silly To focus on Christmas, but I keep on visualising myself with my family at the end of December, feeling better. Maybe not normal, but at least better. It helps me To cope with doom thinking ( it is possible that everything go worse, or that this intensity stay constant for months ).

 

I know that nobody can predict how long it Will be To stabilise,  or if this hard setback Will last. And it terrifies me. Days are long, back frightened in my bed, with no relief, and i'm so exhausted. i'm worried of not being strong enough.

its been since September that I try To survive everyday. I know it is not that long, but it Feels like eternity. 

 

This is not a positive note.Hard To stay hopefull right now. 

 

Wish you all better days and hope my smile Will be back soon To show it To all of you ❤

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

Short of time just now but will speak tomorrow.

 

Normal routine tonight.

 

You have had had a tragic week which would have affected you without W/D.

Without W/D you would get past it, with W/D you will also get past it.

 

Sleep well

 

Sass

[Erell]

Sass, thank you for your support  : i've seen that you were really busy on SA currently, what a mess doctors do!

Hope you manage To take care of yourself despite all this, and overall hope you Feel as Well as last week ❤

[Giulietta]

12 hours ago, Erell said:

yes I prefer texting, less stressfull!

But as I had plenty of time at 5 last week, I started To interact more, calling people and be happy if they propose To come. This week is a different story

 

With texting we don't have to say very much and it is not same time. We have to be in the right frame of mind (I do) to pick the phone and schedule visits. Maybe that is why when I plan to do something in the future - and then when the actual date/time rolls around - I may change my mind.  It is like last week talkingon the phone and this week isolating yourself. Maybe it is a form of social anxiety? Did you ever have that?

 

I prefer writing letters - which is what I did before email. It is less stress than texting. It was people did in the 'old' days. 🤣

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

visualising myself with my family at the end of December, feeling better.

 

Positive visualization helps to cope with doom and gloom thinking. 

 

WD is so tiring - it seems to never end. 😕 The unexpected events and stress of the past week made your WD symptoms worse. I think you have done a good job managing this even though you feel like you have made a set back. Losing a loved one is so stressful. I can't imagine how I would be doing if I ws in your shoes.

 

I sent you a little PM. Hugs,

 

Guilietta

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

@Guilietta : 😚

 

Diary Wednesday 13 Novembre/ day 50 on 10mg Paroxetine = 7 weeks

 

7am : woke up anxious (6)

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5. Feel disconnected. 

It Will be the same all morning. 

12 : anxiety:7 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6. Tinnitus. 

2pm : anxiety go back To 6.

3pm : quick Spike of despair (6-7), cry,  need a break.

3.30pm : felt a rift in my brain, sooo pleasant. It lasted only a few seconds, don't even know if I dreamt it !

4pm : Tinnitus. Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

6pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6. Cry a bit.

6.20pm : Spike of despair (7), cry. 

Doom thinking: everything is going To be worse, I won't be strong enough To survive. 

7.30pm: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Tinnitus. 

It Will be the same all evening. 

Lights off at 11pm but feeling totally awake and anxious. I think I fall asleep around 12.30, woke up anxious (7) this morning at 6.30am. Felt mentally agitated. 

 

 

---》 lot of agoraphobia, tried 2 shorts walks in the neighborhood. 

---》 hard day, felt a tiny bit easier than Tuesday. Most difficult is this constant fear, anxiety with some Spikes.

It Feels like if there is an elastic band  tense in my body and mind,  and I dream of cuting it !

---》 really hard To believe that my brain is healing while suffering,  but I try To trust the process. 

--》 I know that grief may be part of the story, but it doesnt Feel like it is. I don't even Feel sadness about my grandma, I know it sounds weird.

Just Feel awfull WD anxiety. 

 

Wish you all a good day ❤

[Vegalia]

Coucou,

 

Soutien, pensées et bisous. 😗 

 

Vega. 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Freezing cold Thursday (?) here. All the days seem to run into each other sometimes. I need a wall calendar to cross off the days. 😎

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Doom thinking: everything is going To be worse, I won't be strong enough To survive. 

 

And you also said it is hard to trust the process. On the first comment - I think this is how it is going to be for a while - even thought it really was pretty miserable and frightening. I didn't know what was going on - and then one day those syptoms went away.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

hard day, felt a tiny bit easier than Tuesday. Most difficult is this constant fear, anxiety with some Spikes.

 

Feels tiny bit easier is encouraging isn't it. I have had some 'spikes' of anxiety and heart pounding yesterday - a lot of them. They went up and down since late morning. They are unsettling and very tiring.

 

It's hard to mourn for loss when you are emotionally exhausted and inconstant worry about your own situation. I think that is quite normal. People also mourn differently - it is something that may come up in a few months (for example).

 

You do a nice job with your logs. Mine are messy.

 

Hugs and thinking of you,

Giulietta

[sunnysideup69]

Hello Erell,.waving at you, sending you hugs xxx

[Erell]

Thank you @Vegalia, @Guilietta, @sunnysideup69 ! ❤

 

This morning was amazing in terms of mood : I had 2 hours with despair at only 4! 😍 I even Felt confident ! 

 

Anxiety stay High, so I hope next days Will offer me good surprises with this symptoms too. 

I'm dreaming that once this horrible setback Will dwindle I may have days with only 4/5 rate,  like if I would have new gains.

What terrifie me is how many time this setback Will last,  because days are a battle To not go crazy with this constant fear.

 

I don't even dream of a Window anymore, just 4/5 rate in my symptoms 😉

 

I try To hang on the success stories, or I read others stories, people who have stabilised with tolerable symptoms.

I have To truly believe this is only temporary, which is really hard with increased symptoms since Monday.

I think I trust bit more the fact that I Will stabilise one day, but current time is torture and I'm afraid of the unknown duration of the setback.

 

Take good care of yourselves  ❤

 

 

[Sassenach]

Bonsoir Erell

 

To you first tonight.

 

It is good to see you are feeling a little better.

2 hours ago, Erell said:

This morning was amazing in terms of mood : I had 2 hours with despair at only 4! 😍 I even Felt confident ! 

This means the Cortisol spikes have receded I guess.

What difference a day makes.

We have been trying to tell you that this last week was going to be difficult, but you would get back on track again.

What do we have to do for you to believe us?

Have any of us lied to you, pretended it would be easy when we knew it would not?

2 hours ago, Erell said:

I have To truly believe this is only temporary, which is really hard with increased symptoms since Monday

You do not have to believe but it helps so much if you do.

This only the fourth day since Monday, most members on here would love to so resilient!

2 hours ago, Erell said:

I'm afraid of the unknown duration of the setback.

Fear of the fear ie. the unknown is common but counterproductive in W/D.

Do you feel better when you are helping others?

Do you have to see the Turd, sorry doctor this week?

 

Sass

 

[Erell]

Hi Sass !

 

What a pleasure To read you! 

 

- Cortisol Spike hasnt reduced,  in fact it was a pretty rough one this morning! 

But from 9.30am To 11.30am I had a good mood, even smiling! I had plenty of anxiety but I benefited of this good mood To take a short walk in the neighborhood. 

 

- I know you all never lie To me, and I believe you ! 

Im sorry if I annoy you !

You know, everyday I spend hours re-reading yours and Rhiannon 's posts on my thread : I try To remodel my brain To truly believe that I Will stabilise.

Same with reading others success stories or success stabilisations, trying To force my brain To believe it.

You don't have anything To do To make me believe you, you already make so much by supporting me ! ❤

See it more like this: it Feels like we are two inside, one that truly believe you and the process, one other that is more like a devil keep saying that everything is going To be worse and that I Will never have enough strenght To bear one more day. Both keep fighting all day long.

 

It is not you that I don't believe, just a hard battle inside me To survive with terrible thoughts. 

I know that acceptance and trust in the process would make things easier, and I try hard.

How To accept the now when the now is full of ugly anxiety? It is a real issue for me : I can intellectually understand the AAF and find it relevant, but its like if I don't find the key To apply it.

 

I think part of the problem is also related To what those around me think: their fears stress me. And what they expect from me (make more efforts).

I'm not blaming them  : I have To take the responsability To ignore what they think or expect from me.

 

 

- i'm supposed To get back To work next Tuesday, but I really don't think I can.

My doctor made it very clear last time : he Will no longer help me To postpone work because he thinks I just have To push myself, so I have To find another doctor for the official prescription. Didn't find the courage since Monday To take care of this.

 

- yes I Feel better when I Feel like i'm helping others! 

All the jobs I ever agreed To do were because I felt like it has meaning by helping others. I'm not an angel, it is actually quite selfish : it makes me Feel great when I Feel like i'm making others life easier.

i'm also used To be commited in a few associations.

 

I need To Feel useful, To Feel like i'm a part of this world. I think one of the reason I struggle with acceptance is I don't find any meaning in my WD days.

And the fact that I live in others eyes, I also have To work on this. 

 

 

Wow this is a very long post ! Must stop here!

 

Again, sorry for annoying you with my fears !

 

 

Hugs 🤗

[Sassenach]

23 minutes ago, Erell said:

My doctor made it very clear last time : he Will no longer help me To postpone work because he thinks I just have To push myself,

I know you will not like this suggestion but sometimes you have to play the system.

Tell the doc what an awful week you have had, very high anxiety.

If he will not help, tell him you want a referral to a psych.

Maybe he will change his mind.

[Erell]

Yes i'll have To try Again or find another doctor !

 

Big hugs To you fake scotishman 🤗😚

[Sassenach]

Good to see the sense of humour back, even if it is aimed at me.

[Erell]

Only because I like you 😚

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday 14 November : day 51 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious (7). Tinnitus. Mentally very agitated.

7am : cortisol Spike decreases To 6.

7.30am: 10mgParoxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule 

8am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

9.30am: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6. Cry. 

10am : despair at 4 until 11.30am 😍 . Heartburn. 

Went To a short walk To the neighborhood. 

12 : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

1.30pm: Tinnitus. Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

Feel a urge To do something but don't know what.

3pm : Facial spasms and tics on the left side. 

3.30pm: short walk in the neighborhood. Head in a vise.  Symptoms still at 6. Quick Spike of despair when I came back To my flat, cry. 

4pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Felt disconnected. 

5pm : cry,  agitated mentally. Waiting for today To be a Yesterday. 

Facial spasms stopped. 

6pm : anxiety; 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

Feeling like a child who is afraid of the night and the dark, evening stresses me.

At 6.15pm, felt one second of rift in my brain  😍

7pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4 .

It Will be the same all evening.

 

I fall asleep around midnight and woke up anxious this morning at 6.20am.

 

Wish you all a good day from a very cold Brittany 😙