Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

Yesterday  must be the shortest diary yet.

Anxiety seems to be the overriding and constantly the highest scoring symptom.

Is that what you feel?

Was anxiety less when you were on Benzo's?

Si is just that, it cannot hurt you, unwelcome party guest, ignore it.

 

Sass

 

 

[Rhiannon]

Hello sweetheart, I don't have so much time for the forum now so my visits are less frequent, but I wanted to just stop by and remind you that you are going to come through this and be okay.

 

When I was in those early stages of withdrawal I found slow gentle walks in nature in a quiet place were helpful. I would have to walk very slowly sometimes so that the exercise would not cause my cortisol to increase. I also got a stationary bicycle to use (also very slowly) when I could not get outside. I have read that there is something beneficial to the CNS in doing alternating movements, left/right left/right. I would encourage you to find some kind of gentle exercise that uses a pattern like this, even if it is just sitting on the floor and lifting your arms and legs, or something like that.

 

This is a difficult time in recovery because we have symptoms even if we are doing all the right things. But keep going, you will come through this time and you will get your life back. It just takes some time.

[Erell]

@Sassenach : 

 

Oups I don't understand, are you telling me To take a benzo? I must have misunderstood...

Well Anxiety has always been a struggle for me, that's how I ended up on meds as a teenager. 

While I was under benzo,  I didn't have a dose prescribed, doctors told me To take one everytime I felt I needed it (now I know it was a worse advice they could have given ).I still had anxiety, now I know that it may have been interdose WD. 

 

Anyway, during my benzo WD symptoms were less severe : panic attacks that I learned To manage, nothing constant. 

And never this intensity I discovered these past months ! This anxiety / terror is new. Hard To ignore as it keep me in my flat afraid of everything. 

 

After my benzo WD, I never felt so peaceful in my life ! 😍 

And during my AD tappering in 2018-2019 I felt like I was discovering myself Again, happier than ever 😍 until last August

 

And now, yes as you said anxiety seems To often be my main symptom.

 

Big hugs dear Sass ❤

 

 

(Did you expérience anxiety during your WD ? You seem To find weird my level of anxiety ?)

 

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

29 minutes ago, Erell said:

Oups I don't understand, are you telling me To take a benzo?

I am definitely not telling you to take a Benzo, just trying to understand your anxiety levels.

 

32 minutes ago, Erell said:

After my benzo WD, I never felt so peaceful in my life ! 😍 

And during my AD tappering in 2018-2019 I felt like I was discovering myself Again, happier than ever 😍 until last August

You should keep this in mind, you will find your way back there.

 

34 minutes ago, Erell said:

Did you expérience anxiety during your WD ? You seem To find weird my level of anxiety ?)

 

Don't find it weird.

Yes and occasionally I feel it still.

I experienced SI yesterday, turned my back on it and got on with the job I was doing.

None of this bothers me anymore, it is in the background when it occasionally arrives, which is not very often nowadays.

It is going to be the same for you.

 

Sass

[Erell]

@sunnysideup69 : yes it really seems like you are stabilising very Well 🤗 

It is cold here but not so much : in Brittany temperatures often stay relatively sweet, we almost never have Snow.

big hugs !

 

@Guilietta : I really have To try coloring ! 😙

 

@Rhiannon : everytime that someone say he spends less time here I find it very positive : it means that they don't Feel the need and Feel relatively better or Well 🤗

Thank you for taking the time To write here 😙

Thank you for the advice on left/right mouvements, I Will follow it !

Yes it really is a difficult time in recovery, a big challenge for patience! I hang on.

Big hugs dear Rhiannon ❤

 

 

@Sassenach : 😥 (for the benzo 😉)

so glad To read that anxiety or SI are now are in the background : you don't talk much about your symptoms (which I respect, and even admire!) but I'm sure it has been a rollercoaster for you too,  and you deserve To Feel better ❤

Today my anxiety was mostly at 5 ,and I have done better in trying To ignore it.

 I struggle hard when I expérience 6 levels in every symptoms and don't manage To ignore them. 

 

Must be cold in Scotland now! 

Wish you a delightful evening 😙

 

[Giulietta]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Today my anxiety was mostly at 5 ,and I have done better in trying To ignore it.

 

Good job! And as @Sassenach says - soon thee will be a time when it is in the background and easy to ignore.

[Erell]

Good morning.

 

Diary Tuesday 19 Novembre/ day 56 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am: woke up anxious, hard restlessness in arms and legs. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

10am : suicidal thoughts, strong depressed feelings.  DR (my life doesnt seem To be mine). 

Anxiéty: 6 / restlessness: 6 

Cleaning my flat To change the Channel.

1pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6. DR. Internal tremors. Cleaning still.

From 4pm To 5.30pm : thanks To anxiety at 5, I went outside and just walked in my town.  It helped with the restlessness/urge.

7pm : anxiety: 4 ( 😍) / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4 ( 😍).

8pm : bedtime. 

9.30pm: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.  😍

 

Fall asleep around 11pm, woke up anxious (5 😍) this morning at 6am. 

I Feel so grateful for these sweet nights ! 😍

 

 

--》 DR all day Yesterday. But, it seems that it allowed me To Feel a bit less anxiety, so I'll take it

---》 Yesterday most difficult symptom : mental restlessness , the urge To end this situation and To escape from my brain and skin. It is a very weird feeling.

 

Well dear survivors, maybe i'm gradually coming back To my baseline, and I Feel very glad about it ! Fingers crossed! 

 

Big hugs 😙

 

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Yes! We are survivors on this luxury cruises on rivers around the world. Maybe you are near the Seine?

 

It sounds like you did a very good job distracting yourself with cleaning your flat yesterday and glad the walk around town helped. It is a good sign to be able to leave your flat - remember when you couldn't do that at all?

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

[mustafa]

7 hours ago, Guilietta said:

remember when you couldn't do that at all?

I liked that sentence from you alot, I remember my self at the beginning in a very bad case, somethings I do now that I couldn't at all do before.

Many thanks to you and @Erell for supporting me on my thread, it is very helpful to see that you aren't alone and your sensations were the same for some people and went away, this is very supporting and I think I need to read success stories to give me support as well.

Iam very happy erell you are able to go outside and for walks, you will feel improvements until you are fully controlling yourself and then, anxiety disappears to no back again♥️.

Hugs to all of you.

 

[Giulietta]

49 minutes ago, mustafa said:

until you are fully controlling yourself and then, anxiety disappears to no back again

 

We remember how far we have come since our journey began and know that eventually the WD symptoms will become a thing of the past and we won't even remember them.

 

 

[Cocopuffz17]

1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

 

We remember how far we have come since our journey began and know that eventually the WD symptoms will become a thing of the past and we won't even remember them.

 

 

Great words! Made me smile! Comparing the beginning to where I am at now I cannot believe the improvements! 

[Erell]

@mustafa : thank you for your kind supportive words ❤

@Guilietta : I don't live near the Seine. But near beautiful sea 

 

Diary Wednesday 20 Novembre/ day 57 on 10mg Paroxetine. 

 

6am : woke up anxious, but cortisol Spike seems lower. Strong gut pain. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. 😍

It Will be the same all day. 

11am : went To work To see my boss and discuss. It went Well. Then pushed myself To do some food shopping in a store.

3pm : went to drive and walk in my town. Really hard because of anxiéty, but tried To push myself. 

8.30pm : bedtime.  Anxiety: 4 (😍) / despair: 3 / restlessness: 4.

 

I  fall asleep around 11.30pm,  woke up anxious this morning at 7am. Thanks To less anxiety, i've been able To wear earplugs Again (which is a great helper when the garbage trucks work at 6am )

 

This morning Feels a bit more difficult because of anxiéty.

 

 

--》 Yesterday was a very décent day. I still struggle To spend time outside because of anxiety, but I force myself as much as I can.

Maybe, as Rhiannon said, I'm not much in a waves and Windows pattern as I don't really have Windows anymore but waves in a wave, but more in a baseline that very slowly and gradually improve. We'll see what Will the future be !

 

--》 I found new audio guided méditation videos that helps me better practicing. I really encourage everybody To try To practice mindfullness: it is not easy, and sometimes impossible with anxiety. But I believe it really can help with "the fear of the fear ".

 

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

I'm glad you got outside yesterday! We have to push ourselves sometimes. I will write more later about what helps/has helped me. Now I have to finish some work for CBT meeting - and I am haven done all the homework as I should have. I have to try and take one event and identify the emotions (which are in my case negative, the automatic thoughts (also generally negative), the cognitive distortions, then how to adapt to positive emotions, and finally generate positive thoughts - which are what I focus on and practice.  We are supposedf to do this with every event that causes us negative emotions and physical signs. I think sometimes we have physical signs we can't explain (like our crazy chemicals), which I am learning, - but I tell myself that these are different.

 

Would you pls send me the meditation links you found? I sent you one I found in a PM (Eckart Tolle).

 

Hugs,

Guilietta

 

p.s. if I forgfet to send you what I have said I would would you please let me know? Today and tomorrow are busy so I won't be on much. But will be thinking of you. You have improved so much. I'm not just saying that to be nice.   xxx ooo (that means kisses and hugs)

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

How are you feeling now?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi Sass !

Today was a bit more difficult than Yesterday: strong depressed feelings and melancholia, some suicidal thoughts. 

But no extreme, and i'm always grateful for that!!! 😍 And even more grateful for my sweet nights !

 

I'm in a 'mild-something ' : don't know if my brain is moving toward a wave, moving toward a Window, or just stagnating. But that's when I'm overanalysing  😉😄

When i'm not overanalysing, I just Feel grateful for this mild state, and also annoyed because i'm very frustrated with my limitations (agoraphobia, not feeling able To make more than 10km To go To see family or friends, feeling disconnected from others).

So I practice mindfullness and try To distract as much as possible To not let sad feelings lead me To despair 

 

Big hugs dear Sass!

[sunnysideup69]

Waving at ya, @Erell, wow, yesterday seems like it was good!!

 

 

[Sassenach]

10 minutes ago, Erell said:

i'm very frustrated with my limitations

I am glad to see this👿

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

 went To work To see my boss and discuss. It went Well

You are regaining ambition and a need to be proactive.

7 hours ago, Erell said:

despair: 3

Have you had a 3 before?

Sass

[Erell]

@Sassenach :

 

i'm kind of glad To be frustrated too because it means life and desire is circulating Again in my veins

Oh yes, I really need To be proactive !!!! But I have To accept that I can't do all I want for now...still this complicated relationship with acceptance

 

 

I already had a 3 : when I had my first Window in October.  But, I don't know if my numbers in early Octobers are still appropriate: this Window happened just after terrible days of horror and terror, so when terror first disappear, everything seemed almost wonderful  😉

Maybe this is a good news too : my level of demand as increased, and more important : my baseline (if it is my new baseline) slowly gets closer To what was as Window in early days.

 

oups, is this clear ? I Feel like my english is a bit convoluted ! 😄

 

How are you doing? Don't Feel the need To answer, i'm just hoping you still Feel Well! 😙

[Sassenach]

7 minutes ago, Erell said:

oups, is this clear ? I Feel like my english is a bit convoluted ! 😄

Wish I could convolute my french as well

[Erell]

19 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Wish I could convolute my french as well

Alors il va falloir qu'on échange en Français  ! 😙

[Sassenach]

Smart ass🤣

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday 21 November/ day 58 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious. Strong gut pain. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Tinnitus.

9.40am : a bit more anxiety (6)

11am : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5. Strong depressed feelings. 

From 1.30pm To 3.30pm : short walk on seaside, then driving without goal.

5.30pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 6. Depressed feelings, melancholia.

6.30pm: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

8.30pm: bedtime. 

 

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around 11.30pm. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

--》 Current difficult symptoms are: depressed feelings and agoraphobia/anxiety.

Getting tired of being mostly housebounded and just waiting for the days To end.

 

In general, I can't say things are bad as I don't suffer from extreme symptoms these days, but I Feel a strong need To get back To life, but don't manage To.

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

[Erell]

Good morning.

 

Diary Friday 22 Novembre/ day 59 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Feeling depressed and sad. 

12.30 : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6. Cry. 

2.30pm: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

3pm : went To walk, then To the bookshop.

6pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

7pm : anxiety a bit higher (6) for one hour. 

8.30pm : bedtime. Back and legs pain.

9.30pm: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

 

fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up with the alarm (😍) this morning at 7.30am. 

 

 

--》 Yesterday I felt disconnected and depressed. I think I could handle better if I had less anxiety and agoraphobia: it would allowed me To see people, go To see my family, To leave my town, go To work.

Being able of doing these things would help me with depressed feelings.

---》 I don't have much oscillations these days, symptoms stay constant. On one hand I'm relieved from the extreme, on the other hand I miss Windows. (last Window : 17th October).

 

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

[Giulietta]

Hi there!

How are you today? Thought I would see how you are feeling and the arts and crafts are moving along.  I wonder if you could have someone come over for a quick visit - 30 min ? What is reasonabl for you to manage? If you can't get out - maybe they cancome to you. Or a walk around the town together?

 

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

I don't have much oscillations these days, symptoms stay constant. On one hand I'm relieved from the extreme

 

Oscillations can be tiring and confusing. You are up and you are down. You feel exhausted. You may have tremors. I wonder if some consistency during one day or one afternoon is better as well. It is good to look at positively, Erell. Good job, sweetie.

 

I hope your day in Brittany is going nicely.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

[Rhiannon]

Hello Erell, I am glad to hear, from what it sounds, that things are easing up for you a bit.

 

This may be your pattern, rather than extreme windows and waves, something more moderate with ups and downs. As I said "windows and waves" is just a metaphor to reassure people that when things get worse that doesn't mean they are not healing. The healing process seems to be something that goes up and down. We don't know why.

 

And it sounds like things may be settling down a bit for you. Enjoy it, don't push yourself too hard, but do take the opportunity to do things that are good for you, like getting outside and getting some social contact.

 

Hugs to you!

[Erell]

Dear @Rhiannon and @Guilietta 

 

Thank you as always for your kind and wise support ❤

Today was a décent day, mostly at 5.

I managed To go To the market and walk in town 😍

 

Ive looked at my diaries today and tried To summarize my journey  :

 

. From 25th September To 25th October, I was in a bumpy process, Windows and waves with extreme symptoms

 

. From 25th October To 13th November  : constant 5/6 rate.  

 

. Deeper wave and grief around 13th/14th November

 

. Since then, days oscitalle between days at 5/6 and days at 4/5.

 

So obviously I progressed,  even if it more gradual and slower than I would like !

I find your hypothesis on my pattern very relevant Rhiannon. 

 

My hope now is that I get To a 4/5 (or even a 4 😍) level of symptoms everyday soon.

It looks like my body is struggling To get there.

I try To believe that this would be the logical continuation.

 

Big hugs To you both ❤

[Rhiannon]

I think your expectation of settling into a 4/5 sounds reasonable. Of course there will be worse days and occasional bad spells thrown in especially when life brings us trouble. And there will probably be 3/4 days too! And a gradual improvement like you are having now. As I said all the way back in September, a million years ago: the first months are tough. I think you are settling down very well and I am optimistic that you will find yourself pretty stable in a few more months and you will continue to gradually improve in an up and down kind of way.

[mustafa]

14 hours ago, Erell said:

fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up with the alarm (😍) this morning at 7.30am. 

Hi erell, that's a great progress😍.

I typed to you before but internet was bad.

I hope you are now as u want♥️

Take care of yourself.

Mustafa.

[Cocopuffz17]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

My hope now is that I get To a 4/5 (or even a 4 😍) level of symptoms everyday soon.

It looks like my body is struggling To get there.

I try To believe that this would be the logical continuation.

 

Hey, I would pay close attention to the foods you are eating and see if certain foods spike your WD symptoms. I have noticed I go from feeling great (1-3) to a borderline uncomfortable (5-7) with certain foods, so I avoid them now. I am now setting personal best in the gym and in sprinting......I look back at even 4 months ago and I was almost completely unable to do 1 pushup. 

 

You will get there! I know exactly what you are going through and it felt like it would never end, but it will! All the best. Everyday that passes is another day closer to being fully healed!

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Erell, that looks like great progress to me! Am in total agreement with @Rhiannon, you are really settling.

It may not be time yet, but when you go back to work, can they 'phase you in' ie you could do part time hours for a while, just to get back in? 

What are you going to do today? I was gonna run yesterday but was too knackered in the end. So, I just rested at home. Running today and some cooking, I think. 

 

Sending hugs xxx

[Erell]

Good morning!

 

@Rhiannon : its Nice To read that you find my expectations reasonnable

Of course there Will be harder days, and of course I hope for some 3/4 days too 😉

The reason why I'm hoping so strongly a 3/4 level soon is because it makes me Feel that I can be a bit part of this world Again. Not normal, but more able To socialize,  stay outside, stay confident...and of course, 3/4 level of anxiety during the day would be wonderful 😍 And I Feel a strong need To be part of the world Again these days !

I still have some path To do To get there, so I keep on my routine: early bedtime, mindfullness, try To push myself everytime I can,...

 

Thank you Rhi for your wise support 😙

 

@Cocopuffz17 : I keep logs of what I eat, but I have To admit I don't see any relations with Spikes in symptoms.

I eat organic food, never eat junkfood, no alcohol or caféine...

I'm so glad that you improve so Well 😙

 

@mustafa : big hugs dear friend 🤗

 

@sunnysideup69 : i'm supposed To get back To work in 1 week. I would like To give it a try : if its too hard I'll take a break Again. That's what I told my boss.

Don't know yet what i'm going To do today, probably rest a lot and take some walks outside

And I started Downtown Abbey Yesterday, so I'll probably watch it a bit 😉😄

I'm kind of amazed how Well you stabilise after your switch last August, this is so great 😙

 

Diary Saturday 23 November / day 60 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up with the alarm (😍).

10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

10am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4 .

From 11.30am To 12.30 : I Walked To the market and stroll there.

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

It Will be the same levels all Afternoon.

From 5pm To 6pm : I met a friend in a bar. It was hard because of anxiéty,and because there were 2 friends of her that I didn't know, and lot of noises. Every 5minutes I was wondering myself if I Will run out To my flat. 

Managed To stay 1 hour, and proud of it !

8.30pm : bedtime. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4

10pm : Strong Tinnitus. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair  :4.

 

Exhausted, lights off at 10.30pm and fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious (5) this morning at 7am. 

Still so glad for these sweet nights 😍

 

 

---》 Yesterday I tried To act "like if ", like if I was "normal". Well, it is not the case 😉

What I struggle the most with is constant anxiety. I'm pretty sure that when it Will decrease I Will be able To Feel almost normal!

 

Big hugs and Nice day To all ❤

 

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Erell, thank you, yes, I think with hindsight that I'm not doing too badly with stabilising. I'm doing much better now than when I was trying to stabilise on Cit this time last year, I think because I'm respecting my nervous system a whole lot more. NO alcohol at all. Regular bedtime. Healthy diet. Knowing my limitations etc. Feeling grateful today that my ups and downs at the moment are fairly minor. I'm sure other waves will come, but the last one has definitely left me with an improved WD baseline- I now believe Gridley, Brassmonkey, Alto et al. Not that I didn't before, but it's much easier to have faith when you are experiencing what has been said.

 

I'm so impressed that you went to a bar for an hour yesterday! That took guts. Well done! Things will continue to improve now with ups and downs along the way. I feel like my life got very small, has widened a bit from including work, and now will widen again if I can just start socialising a bit more.

Sending love and support xxxxx

[Cocopuffz17]

That is awesome you went out for a hour and met new people! Great work!

[Erell]

I did it ! 🎉🎉🎉 I did it my friends!! 😍😍

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

 

At 2.30pm I took my car and drove 1 hour To go To my parents house ! It was a very hard road,  lot of anxiety. I kept telling myself  : remember what Rhiannon told you, you can do more than you think. Remember Sass, ignore this anxiety. 

Well it was the most difficult 1hour of road of my life !

But, I did it 😍😍😍😍

Stayed 30minutes with my parents, then drove back To my flat. 

 

Oh dear friends, how proud I am !!!

 

And how thankful ! I succeed thanks To your support, your kind words.

Thanks To SA, To all the moderators, all dear survivors, my parents Will fall asleep tonight with a smile, and me too. 

❤THANK YOU ❤

 

[brassmonkey]

Congratulations Erell--  well done on taking a big step.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

 

Brassmonkey

[Cocopuffz17]

Woohoo! That is amazing! Great job!!!!! 😍😍😍