Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[rola]

 

@Erell 

hi erell

congratulations I have tears in my eyes so much I'm happy for you.

continue accordingly😘

[Sassenach]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

my parents Will fall asleep tonight with a smile, and me too.

You brought a tear to my eyes, well done you.

I can only imagine the delight for your parents.

 

Sass

[sunnysideup69]

@Erell

 

AMAZING!!!!! I'm delighted for you, that's a huge step    

[mustafa]

Oooooooh, congratulations my dear 😍😍😍.

Iam really feel very happy for you and feel this happiness, I smile 😂♥️.

❤️❤️❤️

Oooooooh, congratulations my dear 😍😍😍.

Iam really feel very happy for you and feel this happiness, I smile 😂♥️.

❤️❤️❤️

[Erell]

Thank you: only survivors know how great it is To do things that are obvious for others ! ❤

 

Diary Sunday 24 Novembre/ day 61 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am woke up anxious (5)

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

From 9.30 To 10.30 : went To a second-hand fair. 

10.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5/ despair: 4.

It Will be the same until 2.30pm. 

2.30pm: big need To succeed , To see my parents. Took my car and want To try. It was an awful road, but I did it !

5pm : back To my flat, feeling weird : did I really do this drive? Hard To realise after 3 months without being able To!

Anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3

8.30pm: bedtime. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

 

Lights off at 11pm, anxiety ramped up, struggled To fall asleep. Then, Feel like I had a slight anxious sleep all night, lot of waking up hot, sweaty and anxious.

(My bedroom and my flat aren't hot though).

 

---》 Mister WD really is a party pooper : after my incredible Afternoon, I spent a difficult night and woke up with more anxiety. Today I Feel sick, like if I had eat a lot and my belly is troubling me. And I Feel disconnected. 

Ups and downs!

Maybe my hormones are playing tricks too, as i'll probably have my periods this week.

 

Wish you all a very Nice day!

[Vegalia]

Coucou Erell,

 

Contente de ta journée d'hier.

Ne t'en fais pas pour cette nuit. C'était formidable d'aller voir tes parents!

Le stress du trajet a pu jouer après coup pendant la nuit mais ce n'est pas grave. 

Tu as eu mille fois raison de le faire.

Ca te montre que tu peux le faire.

Pousser, petit à petit. Si tu fais et réussis quelque chose de difficile un jour c'est une grande joie et une victoire, mais peut-être pousser un petit peu moins le lendemain.

 

Gros bisous. Courage. 

 

Vega. 

 

Erell cuckoo,

 

Happy with your day yesterday.

Do not worry about this night. It was great to see your parents!

The stress of the trip was able to play afterwards during the night but it does not matter.

You were right a thousand times to do it.

It shows you that you can do it.

Push, little by little. If you do and succeed something difficult one day is a great joy and a victory, but maybe push a little less the next day.

 

Lots of love. Courage.

 

Vega.

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

How are you feeling now?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi dear Sass

 

Well it was a mild day: depressed feelings, and Spike of anxiety at 6.

But still no extreme, and that is wonderful.

WD really is a strange beast : did  2 hours of driving Yesterday, and struggled To go outside today !

But, it seems that i'm on the right path, so I have To be patient 

 

How are you doing these days ?

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

@Erell, yes, that's the way it seems to go. The ups and downs. Hugs x

[Sassenach]

3 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well it was a mild day: depressed feelings, and Spike of anxiety at 6.

But still no extreme, and that is wonderful.

That is really good news.

There was always going to be an effect after such a big day, I really expected it would be more severe.

6 minutes ago, Erell said:

struggled To go outside today !

You did not sleep as well as usual, so back to full relax mode tonight.

You are improving quite fast at the moment, rest of us cannot keep up🏃‍♂️🤗.

Started my taper today, thanks for asking🤞

 

Sass

 

[Erell]

1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

There was always going to be an effect after such a big day, I really expected it would be more severe.

Well it seems I don't understand WD yet as Well as you do : I naively thought it would be a wonderful day today because of this big day

I'm practicing more and more seriously mindfullness and I think it really helps me To deal with intrusive thoughts and the feeling of being condemned. 

 

 

Thank you for your kind words : it is always wonderful when someone helps you To notice that you are improving ! 😙

 

And bravo for this new step ! ❤

[Giulietta]

@Erell

 

🚗🚗🚗🚗🚗 Vrooom....there you go!!!

 

Good for you! I am so happy you took this big step. See - you can do it. It was just a matter of time before it was right for you.  

 

And I bet you feel wonderful about yourself - and that your parents are delighted too!

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

[Sassenach]

2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well it seems I don't understand WD

Whatever you would expect out of W/D, expect the opposite in it.🤣

Not really a rule but helps me to not take it too seriously.

[Erell]

23 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Whatever you would expect out of W/D, expect the opposite in it.🤣

Not really a rule but helps me to not take it too seriously.

Exactly ! Mister WD like To contradict us everytime we believe we find some logic or understanding! 😄

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Monday 25 Novembre/ day 62 on 10mg Paroxetine = 2 months

 

7am : woke up anxious, hot, sweaty.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am : hot and sweaty. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

9.30am: anxiety: 4 (😍) / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Disconnected. A bit depressed.

11am : took a walk in the neighborhood. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

3pm : went To walk in my town. Strong Panic attack in foodstore, went To my flat To try To calm down. 

6pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

7.30pm: Feel almost normal  (😍) : anxiety : 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3. (Restlessness at such a low level is so Nice! I had forgotten how good it can be To have less intrusive thoughts and being able To stay on the couch without too much impatience or agitation! 😍)

8.30pm : bedtime. 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm,  then anxiety ramped up a bit. Managed To fall asleep 1 hour later. 

Agitated night : lot of waking up, but managed To fall back To sleep. 

Woke up anxious (6) this morning at 7am. 

 

---》 anxiety ramping up a bit while trying To fall asleep is new. Usually, in my baseline, putting lights off and closing eyes is pleasant.

Well, another new WD guest!

 

---》 This morning I struggle with intrusive thoughts "i'll never Feel better or Feel good", "my anxiety Will never get To a normal level" "i'm going To loose my job"...

Also Feel depressed.

 

I'm supposed To get back To work next Monday and I really need To be able To.

These past few days I Feel a need To get back To a normal routine, To do things.

The only thing that makes me doubt I can is my anxiety level, and agoraphobia.

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

[sunnysideup69]

I think I asked you this already, hun, but can you maybe ask to do a 'phased return' ? ie maybe do some half days to start, then a full week of half days, then some half some whle, then back to normal?

It's a gentler way to ease back into working. Not sure how employment law works in France, but in UK, employers have to make 'reasonable adjustments' to help you back into work if you have been off. It really helped me to go back...and was a lot gentler a way in.

 

Your ratings are looking pretty good

[Sassenach]

Good evening Erell.

 

Three and fours, seem to remember last week you thought those scores would be great.

Sunny has a good point. You are doing great but remember your CNS is still repairing, you can only push it so far by willpower.

I think you may be developing anxiety about the anxiety falling asleep.

Try really slowing down towards bedtime, hot bath, candles and push WD from your mind.

You are much better so I am sure you can find better things to think about in the bath.😎

Get the sleep back on track and there wil be no stopping you.

If it is "that" time of the month you have also experienced heightened emotions the last twice.

 

Sass

 

 

[Erell]

Dear @sunnysideup69 : yes i'll probably have To do part-time

 

Dear @Sassenach :

 

Oh yes 3 and 4 are great level ! 😍

Today it was 5 all day, and I felt sad about it, but then I thought that there have been time when I would have Felt blessed with a 5 ! Remembering how far I come helps To Cope with intrusive thoughts

You're right in reminding me that my CNS is still repairing : i'm too impatient of getting back To 'normal' life, while I should just be glad with my improvements.

 

I don't think i'm really anxious about the anxiety falling asleep, but you may be right. Its weird because just before I put lights off I Feel ok.

But last terror appeared while trying To fall asleep so maybe this memory is still présent...

I didn't change anything in my bedtime routine : relaxing music, sudoku, quiet book,...

 

I don't know if it is "that" time of the month as I'm a bit wonky since August, but it could be part of the story for sure if I am in PMS. 

 

Well, it seems I have To keep on working on patience and be gentle with my CNS  big job! 

 

Hugs To you both ❤

[sunnysideup69]

6 minutes ago, Erell said:

Dear @sunnysideup69 : yes i'll probably have To do part-time

Hugs dear Erell, that's a good start and will get you back into the routine of working xxx

[mustafa]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

i'm too impatient

if patience is being sold, i will pay all my money to buy it, half of our suffer is patience.

i hope you are ok and very sorry if my words are little, right now i feel iam stange to SA and you because of depersonalization for sure.

take care❤️

[Giulietta]

Dear @Erell

 

Do start part-time if you can. I think this would be quite reasonable for your MD to let your employer know that you need to do this. Working full-time may likely set you back in your progress - and perhaps more likely to have more waves and longer ones? @sunnysideup69 is completely right about this and if you have this option I would take it. Will you be able to continue to get your health allowance?

 

In the US people can request  an 'accommodation' that would allow people to work (maybe fewer hours or flexible schedule = as long as it doesn't cause 'undue hardship' on the employer.

 

7 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

will get you back into the routine of working

 

You are so smart @sunnysideup69! Changing your current situation to a routine is something your mind and body need to adjust to.

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

But last terror appeared while trying To fall asleep so maybe this memory is still présent...

I didn't change anything in my bedtime routine : relaxing music, sudoku, quiet book,...

 

Sometimes things just happen without a reason....

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

 

[Erell]

Good morning !

 

@mustafa , @sunnysideup69, @Guilietta : thank you for your support! It is so Nice To have you in my life ! ❤

 

 

Diary Tuesday 26 Novembre/ day 63 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious (6)

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4. 

10.30am: feeling depressed, intrusive thoughts. Went To a short walk in the neighborhood. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5 

It Will be the same until 2.30pm. 

2.30pm: quick Spike of despair at 6, cry a bit.

Then went To walk for 45min in my town.

4pm : still depressed feelings. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

8pm : bedtime. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4

Tinnitus. 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, anxiety didn't ramp up  

I have the feeling that I woke up during the night,but can't remember, so its an improvement !

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

 

---》 since 1 hour anxiety is ramping up and I'm feeling really agitated but I know why  : my liquid med is in run out of stock in France (i've seen that it is the same in UK), and I just called 30 drugstores ! I just found some : the drugstore Will be able To give it To me tomorrow, and then I Will have enough med for one more month. It helps me To calm down a bit. 

Pharma industry really play tricks with us !

I would advise every dear survivors to have higher prescriptions so they can make some stock if anything like that happen with their meds. 

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

[Giulietta]

Hello dear @Erell and all -

 

Not being able (or the possiblity) of not beig able to get medication is the biggest stressor I can think of.  Have ou tried Canada for your medication @Erell

 

I have not tried this but have no experience with this. Or if your drug could manage the shipment and be secure. Maybe a half baked idea.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

Pharma industry really play tricks with us !

 

Understatement. They price based on what the market will bear. In the US we call it 'price gouging' if I am spelling that right. We started using this expression when the price of gasoline (petrol) went up for no reason when supply was high!

 

 

 

They will do anything for more money.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I would advise every dear survivors to have higher prescriptions so they can make some stock if anything like that happen with their meds.

 

There are two options for this in the US for which I am aware. I have done both.  One is to get your MD to write you an extra RX (as long as it is not a benzo or certain CNS meds because it is illegal) and you pay out of pocket.  The other option is to take a few out of every new bottle and set it aside. I think many of us do this.

 

It is a disgrace that this is held over peoples' heads. Pharmacies are at the whim of wholesalers - who get from pharma (I believe).

 

Hugs

xxxx

[Sassenach]

Hi you.

 

You have had a busy day.

Did not think SA was part of lullaby mode🤗

Sleep tight.

 

Sass

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Wednesday 27 Novembre/ day 64 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

All day : legs pain (like if my legs were in wood ) and back pain.

7am : woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8am : very good mood ! Smiling in my bed !

9am : anxiety : 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

10am : short walk in the neighborhood. 

Then, spent 1hour calling a lot of drugstores, anxiety ramping up, tremors in legs.

1pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

2pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 /despair; 4.

It Will be the same all Afternoon. 

From 8pm To 11pm : waiting for a prescription in a medical office.

11pm : in my bed. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 3.

I think I fall asleep around midnight. 

woke up several times during the night, and woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

@Sassenach : 😄 Nothing can be hidden from you ! 😚

As you can see in my Diary, I messed up with my bedtime routine : the reason is simple, even if the story is absurd!

After calling a lot of drugstores, I finally found one with 2 bottles of my med. 

But they want me To come this morning with a prescription : every month they send back the meds they don't sell To the lab in order To not loose money.  So they told me that if I don't come today, the 2 bottles would be send back...

Problem : i'm supposed To see my doctor next Monday for the new prescription and he is on holidays this week

But the drugstore don't want To wait until Monday...

I called a lot of doctors, no one could receive me, so my only option was To go To a medical evening place where you wait To see a doctor without appointment. And they were a lot of people! So I waited almost 2.30 hours To get my paper. Hours very anxious because they were a lot of people and noises in the waiting room, so spend my time on my Phone To distract.

 

Absurd story, and bedtime routine messed up !

 

But the good news is : i'll have two bottles today, which means enough meds until mid-January.

Another good news : found another drugstore who Will give me 2 more bottles next Monday, so enough meds until mid-February.

 

And hopefully until then the out of stock Will be over in Europe !

 

This morning, I don't Feel Well, but seems logical after Yesterday.

Back To my bedtime schedule tonight ! 

 

😥 What a day my friends ! Worked so hard only To make sure i'll have enough poison To stabilise! Life in WD 😉

[mustafa]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

What a day my friends ! Worked so hard only To make sure i'll have enough poison To stabilise! Life in WD 😉

Hi erell, 

Is it a must to have a paper to get your antidepressant?, I can get them from a drug store without any problem, very easy 🙄. Tricyclic antidepressants are prescribed for colon problems and for sleeping problems without a doctor paper( this is all up on the opinion of psychiatrist that we have angel drugs that have no any harm).

No problem to have poisons to stabilize, one day you will get rid-off all of them and there our body will heal  all of these effects, I think we will be stronger after we are weaned♥️.

[Giulietta]

Hello @Erelland @mustafa

 

Sorry about the messed up sleep routine and all the time you spent chasing down medication and the complications. It is so stressful. Bottom line is that you found a solution - so you can practice gratitude and go to sleep knowing you have some security. The latter is priceless! And you can look forward to a relaxing evening and good sleep.

 

I did a lot of chasing medication, working with MDs and insurance companies over the past few days. Patients really are at their mercy.

 

@mustafa What? YOu can just walk into the pharmacy and get some of these medications wtihout a prescription (paper) from a physician? Amazing. Some of the drugs in the US you have to show personal identification!!!!

 

Do you have trouble getting your medication - or it available without a probme

 

Yes - when we are off this garbage we won't have to deal with getting the medication

 

 

 

[mustafa]

1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

 

@mustafa What? YOu can just walk into the pharmacy and get some of these medications wtihout a prescription (paper) from a physician? Amazing. Some of the drugs in the US you have to show personal identification!!!!

Yesss🙂, if I want to get paroxetine( the AD for erell), I just go to the pharmacy and tell, I need a box of seroxat( its name in Egypt) .i.e 25 mg or I can even get any number of boxes I need🤗., It is hard for benzos, they need papers of course but I think ADs has no difference to benzos.

Is it the situation for all the drugs or only psychiatric in USA @Guilietta?( To give a prescription before having a drug).

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

That story is so absurd it has to be true🤣

How have you managed today after all that hassle?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi dear Sass,

 

Well, no extreme, but it was not a good day : lot of agoraphobia, depressed feelings and restlessness, lot of intrusive thoughts  : Will I really stabilise ? Am I still healing, improving ? Will I be able To try work Monday?

 

I coped with distraction and mindfullness. 

 

I also have physical symptoms since Yesterday, but honestly if they were the only symptoms life would be wonderful! (Legs, back, arms, neck pain ).

 

This morning I went To the drugstore To get my 2 bottles (😉), and I felt highly anxious there.

It makes me very sad because I don't see how I would be able To go To work next Monday if I make panic attack everytime I go out of my flat. 

I know its only a job, and that my world won't end if they fire me. Its just that colleagues and boss made me understand that they start To get annoyed by my long absence, and I don't Feel strong enough To Cope reproaches and judgements. 

 

I think today i'm tired of this situation and this daily struggle. I know it shall pass so I just wait for the days To end and try To stay positive. But sometimes I loose hope.

 

 

@mustafa and @Guilietta : thank You for your support. 

In France, there are some meds that you can buy without a prescription, but almost all meds need To be prescribed.

And it is impossible To get AD without a prescription!

 

Hugs To all 

[Sassenach]

8 minutes ago, Erell said:

I know its only a job, and that my world won't end if they fire me. Its just that colleagues and boss made me understand that they start To get annoyed by my long absence, and I don't Feel strong enough To Cope reproaches and judgements. 

Am I correct in thinking you work in the carer profession?

10 minutes ago, Erell said:

I think today i'm tired of this situation and this daily struggle. I know it shall pass so I just wait for the days To end and try To stay positive. But sometimes I loose hope.

We all are Erell, on the bad days.

We know a secret though, the good days get better and more frequent.

 

Sass

 

 

[Erell]

1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

Am I correct in thinking you work in the carer profession?

Yes, I work with disabled people.

But workers are not supposed To be disabled, and overall not for 3-4 months

Even in those professions !

 

3 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

We all are Erell, on the bad days.

We know a secret though, the good days get better and more frequent.

 

Yes I know, that's why I try To not complain too much. Its just a bad day for my mood, and being tired of this weird life. 

 

Hope you're doing Well ❤

[Sassenach]

1 minute ago, Erell said:

But workers are not supposed To be disabled

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are not disabled.

You are a victim of these terrible drugs, more importantly you are caring and clever enough to help do something about them.

If care workers are in as much demand in France as the UK you will have no problem getting another job if necessary.

Settle down tonight and back to routine🤗

 

Sass

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday 28 November/ day 65 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

All day : pain and aches (neck, legs, back) / agoraphobia / lot of intrusive thoughts. 

7am: woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

10am: went To the drugstore. Felt awful there, lot of anxiety and restlessness. 

12 : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

2.30pm: Feel very sad. Cry. Despair: 6.

3.30pm: went To walk 30minutes outside. 

6pm : depressed feelings. Painfull body. Despair: 6.

8pm : bedtime. Strong sad feelings,can't listen To my usual relaxing music because every music make me cry. Try To distract with sudoku. Despair : 6.

9pm : Tears in eyes, feeling desperate. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up highly anxious and confused at 11.30pm. 

Fall back To sleep around midnight. 

Night was agitated with wakings up and weird dreams. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7.30am. 

 

--》 From Wednesday 20 November To last Monday, I felt more confident,  stronger To push myself (going To a bar, drive To see my parents,...). My scores were between 3/4/5 and I almost felt like I was turning a corner.

 

Since last Tuesday I Feel very sad and depressed, and I Feel like I don't have strenght anymore. I've lost my confidence in better days. It Feels like if my body stopped making efforts To try To reach a 4 level, back To a 5/6.

 

--》 my periods should normally come in next days. Maybe silly but i'm hoping those sad and depressed feelings are there because i'm in PMS,  so hoping i'll get some relief with my periods. 

 

This morning I just wanna stay in my bed and cry under my blanket. 

 

 

Wish you all a better day ❤

[MissyE]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday 28 November/ day 65 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

All day : pain and aches (neck, legs, back) / agoraphobia / lot of intrusive thoughts. 

7am: woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

10am: went To the drugstore. Felt awful there, lot of anxiety and restlessness. 

12 : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

2.30pm: Feel very sad. Cry. Despair: 6.

3.30pm: went To walk 30minutes outside. 

6pm : depressed feelings. Painfull body. Despair: 6.

8pm : bedtime. Strong sad feelings,can't listen To my usual relaxing music because every music make me cry. Try To distract with sudoku. Despair : 6.

9pm : Tears in eyes, feeling desperate. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up highly anxious and confused at 11.30pm. 

Fall back To sleep around midnight. 

Night was agitated with wakings up and weird dreams. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7.30am. 

 

--》 From Wednesday 20 November To last Monday, I felt more confident,  stronger To push myself (going To a bar, drive To see my parents,...). My scores were between 3/4/5 and I almost felt like I was turning a corner.

 

Since last Tuesday I Feel very sad and depressed, and I Feel like I don't have strenght anymore. I've lost my confidence in better days. It Feels like if my body stopped making efforts To try To reach a 4 level, back To a 5/6.

 

--》 my periods should normally come in next days. Maybe silly but i'm hoping those sad and depressed feelings are there because i'm in PMS,  so hoping i'll get some relief with my periods. 

 

This morning I just wanna stay in my bed and cry under my blanket. 

 

 

Wish you all a better day ❤

Hey Errell

Sorry to see your struggling today.

It's hard.  You are doing well.  Good that you remember your achievements.  It's demoralising feeling bad again. 

Maybe you need a duvet day and good cry? 🤗

Your body and brain are working hard to heal.

Love and peace. Missy x

[Giulietta]

22 hours ago, mustafa said:

Is it the situation for all the drugs or only psychiatric in USA @

 

We must have a prescription from an MD or Nurse Practioner or Physician's Assistant to fill a medication - an AD, Benzo (they are considered different), anti-biotic, many pain-killers, prednisone, and many of this depends on the strength of the drug. This applies to topical medications too (to treat eczema or rosacea, for example).