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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Rhiannon

Hello Erell, I am glad to hear, from what it sounds, that things are easing up for you a bit.

 

This may be your pattern, rather than extreme windows and waves, something more moderate with ups and downs. As I said "windows and waves" is just a metaphor to reassure people that when things get worse that doesn't mean they are not healing. The healing process seems to be something that goes up and down. We don't know why.

 

And it sounds like things may be settling down a bit for you. Enjoy it, don't push yourself too hard, but do take the opportunity to do things that are good for you, like getting outside and getting some social contact.

 

Hugs to you!

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Erell

Dear @Rhiannon and @Guilietta 

 

Thank you as always for your kind and wise support ❤

Today was a décent day, mostly at 5.

I managed To go To the market and walk in town 😍

 

Ive looked at my diaries today and tried To summarize my journey  :

 

. From 25th September To 25th October, I was in a bumpy process, Windows and waves with extreme symptoms

 

. From 25th October To 13th November  : constant 5/6 rate.  

 

. Deeper wave and grief around 13th/14th November

 

. Since then, days oscitalle between days at 5/6 and days at 4/5.

 

So obviously I progressed,  even if it more gradual and slower than I would like ! ;)

I find your hypothesis on my pattern very relevant Rhiannon. 

 

My hope now is that I get To a 4/5 (or even a 4 😍) level of symptoms everyday soon.

It looks like my body is struggling To get there.

I try To believe that this would be the logical continuation.

 

Big hugs To you both ❤

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Rhiannon

I think your expectation of settling into a 4/5 sounds reasonable. Of course there will be worse days and occasional bad spells thrown in especially when life brings us trouble. And there will probably be 3/4 days too! And a gradual improvement like you are having now. As I said all the way back in September, a million years ago: the first months are tough. I think you are settling down very well and I am optimistic that you will find yourself pretty stable in a few more months and you will continue to gradually improve in an up and down kind of way.

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mustafa
14 hours ago, Erell said:

fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up with the alarm (😍) this morning at 7.30am. 

Hi erell, that's a great progress😍.

I typed to you before but internet was bad.

I hope you are now as u want♥️

Take care of yourself.

Mustafa.

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Cocopuffz17
5 hours ago, Erell said:

My hope now is that I get To a 4/5 (or even a 4 😍) level of symptoms everyday soon.

It looks like my body is struggling To get there.

I try To believe that this would be the logical continuation.

 

Hey, I would pay close attention to the foods you are eating and see if certain foods spike your WD symptoms. I have noticed I go from feeling great (1-3) to a borderline uncomfortable (5-7) with certain foods, so I avoid them now. I am now setting personal best in the gym and in sprinting......I look back at even 4 months ago and I was almost completely unable to do 1 pushup. 

 

You will get there! I know exactly what you are going through and it felt like it would never end, but it will! All the best. Everyday that passes is another day closer to being fully healed!

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sunnysideup69

Hey @Erell, that looks like great progress to me! Am in total agreement with @Rhiannon, you are really settling.

It may not be time yet, but when you go back to work, can they 'phase you in' ie you could do part time hours for a while, just to get back in? 

What are you going to do today? I was gonna run yesterday but was too knackered in the end. So, I just rested at home. Running today and some cooking, I think. 

 

Sending hugs xxx

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Erell

Good morning!

 

@Rhiannon : its Nice To read that you find my expectations reasonnable ;)

Of course there Will be harder days, and of course I hope for some 3/4 days too 😉

The reason why I'm hoping so strongly a 3/4 level soon is because it makes me Feel that I can be a bit part of this world Again. Not normal, but more able To socialize,  stay outside, stay confident...and of course, 3/4 level of anxiety during the day would be wonderful 😍 And I Feel a strong need To be part of the world Again these days !

I still have some path To do To get there, so I keep on my routine: early bedtime, mindfullness, try To push myself everytime I can,...

 

Thank you Rhi for your wise support 😙

 

@Cocopuffz17 : I keep logs of what I eat, but I have To admit I don't see any relations with Spikes in symptoms.

I eat organic food, never eat junkfood, no alcohol or caféine...

I'm so glad that you improve so Well 😙

 

@mustafa : big hugs dear friend 🤗

 

@sunnysideup69 : i'm supposed To get back To work in 1 week. I would like To give it a try : if its too hard I'll take a break Again. That's what I told my boss.

Don't know yet what i'm going To do today, probably rest a lot and take some walks outside ;)

And I started Downtown Abbey Yesterday, so I'll probably watch it a bit 😉😄

I'm kind of amazed how Well you stabilise after your switch last August, this is so great 😙

 

Diary Saturday 23 November / day 60 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up with the alarm (😍).

10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

10am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4 .

From 11.30am To 12.30 : I Walked To the market and stroll there.

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

It Will be the same levels all Afternoon.

From 5pm To 6pm : I met a friend in a bar. It was hard because of anxiéty,and because there were 2 friends of her that I didn't know, and lot of noises. Every 5minutes I was wondering myself if I Will run out To my flat. 

Managed To stay 1 hour, and proud of it !

8.30pm : bedtime. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4

10pm : Strong Tinnitus. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair  :4.

 

Exhausted, lights off at 10.30pm and fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious (5) this morning at 7am. 

Still so glad for these sweet nights 😍

 

 

---》 Yesterday I tried To act "like if ", like if I was "normal". Well, it is not the case 😉

What I struggle the most with is constant anxiety. I'm pretty sure that when it Will decrease I Will be able To Feel almost normal!

 

Big hugs and Nice day To all ❤

 

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sunnysideup69

Hey @Erell, thank you, yes, I think with hindsight that I'm not doing too badly with stabilising. I'm doing much better now than when I was trying to stabilise on Cit this time last year, I think because I'm respecting my nervous system a whole lot more. NO alcohol at all. Regular bedtime. Healthy diet. Knowing my limitations etc. Feeling grateful today that my ups and downs at the moment are fairly minor. I'm sure other waves will come, but the last one has definitely left me with an improved WD baseline- I now believe Gridley, Brassmonkey, Alto et al. Not that I didn't before, but it's much easier to have faith when you are experiencing what has been said.

 

I'm so impressed that you went to a bar for an hour yesterday! That took guts. Well done! Things will continue to improve now with ups and downs along the way. I feel like my life got very small, has widened a bit from including work, and now will widen again if I can just start socialising a bit more.

Sending love and support xxxxx

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Cocopuffz17

That is awesome you went out for a hour and met new people! Great work!

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Erell

I did it ! 🎉🎉🎉 I did it my friends!! 😍😍

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

 

At 2.30pm I took my car and drove 1 hour To go To my parents house ! It was a very hard road,  lot of anxiety. I kept telling myself  : remember what Rhiannon told you, you can do more than you think. Remember Sass, ignore this anxiety. 

Well it was the most difficult 1hour of road of my life !

But, I did it 😍😍😍😍

Stayed 30minutes with my parents, then drove back To my flat. 

 

Oh dear friends, how proud I am !!!

 

And how thankful ! I succeed thanks To your support, your kind words.

Thanks To SA, To all the moderators, all dear survivors, my parents Will fall asleep tonight with a smile, and me too. 

❤THANK YOU ❤

 

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brassmonkey

Congratulations Erell--  well done on taking a big step.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

 

Brassmonkey

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Cocopuffz17

Woohoo! That is amazing! Great job!!!!! 😍😍😍

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rola

 

@Erell 

hi erell

congratulations I have tears in my eyes so much I'm happy for you.

continue accordingly😘

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Sassenach
1 hour ago, Erell said:

my parents Will fall asleep tonight with a smile, and me too.

You brought a tear to my eyes, well done you.

I can only imagine the delight for your parents.

 

Sass

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sunnysideup69

@Erell

 

AMAZING!!!!! I'm delighted for you, that's a huge step :) :) :) 

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mustafa

Oooooooh, congratulations my dear 😍😍😍.

Iam really feel very happy for you and feel this happiness, I smile 😂♥️.

❤️❤️❤️

Oooooooh, congratulations my dear 😍😍😍.

Iam really feel very happy for you and feel this happiness, I smile 😂♥️.

❤️❤️❤️

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Erell

Thank you: only survivors know how great it is To do things that are obvious for others ! ❤

 

Diary Sunday 24 Novembre/ day 61 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am woke up anxious (5)

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

From 9.30 To 10.30 went To a second-hand fair. 

10.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5/ despair: 4.

It Will be the same until 2.30pm. 

2.30pm: big need To succeed , To see my parents. Took my car and want To try. It was an awful road, but I did it !

5pm back To my flat, feeling weird : did I really do this drive? Hard To realise after 3 months without being able To!

Anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3

8.30pm: bedtime. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

 

Lights off at 11pm, anxiety ramped up, struggled To fall asleep. Then, Feel like I had a slight anxious sleep all night, lot of waking up hot, sweaty and anxious.

(My bedroom and my flat aren't hot though).

 

---》 Mister WD really is a party pooper : after my incredible Afternoon, I spent a difficult night and woke up with more anxiety. Today I Feel sick, like if I had eat a lot and my belly is troubling me. And I Feel disconnected. 

Ups and downs!

Maybe my hormones are playing tricks too, as i'll probably have my periods this week.

 

Wish you all a very Nice day!

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Vegalia

Coucou Erell,

 

Contente de ta journée d'hier.

Ne t'en fais pas pour cette nuit. C'était formidable d'aller voir tes parents!

Le stress du trajet a pu jouer après coup pendant la nuit mais ce n'est pas grave. 

Tu as eu mille fois raison de le faire. :)

Ca te montre que tu peux le faire.

Pousser, petit à petit. ;) Si tu fais et réussis quelque chose de difficile un jour c'est une grande joie et une victoire, mais peut-être pousser un petit peu moins le lendemain.

 

Gros bisous. Courage. 

 

Vega. 

 

Erell cuckoo,

 

Happy with your day yesterday.

Do not worry about this night. It was great to see your parents!

The stress of the trip was able to play afterwards during the night but it does not matter.

You were right a thousand times to do it. :)

It shows you that you can do it.

Push, little by little. ;) If you do and succeed something difficult one day is a great joy and a victory, but maybe push a little less the next day.

 

Lots of love. Courage.

 

Vega.

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

How are you feeling now?

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi dear Sass

 

Well it was a mild day: depressed feelings, and Spike of anxiety at 6.

But still no extreme, and that is wonderful.

WD really is a strange beast : did  2 hours of driving Yesterday, and struggled To go outside today !

But, it seems that i'm on the right path, so I have To be patient  ;)

 

How are you doing these days ?

 

 

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sunnysideup69

@Erell, yes, that's the way it seems to go. The ups and downs. Hugs x

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Sassenach
3 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well it was a mild day: depressed feelings, and Spike of anxiety at 6.

But still no extreme, and that is wonderful.

That is really good news.

There was always going to be an effect after such a big day, I really expected it would be more severe.

6 minutes ago, Erell said:

struggled To go outside today !

You did not sleep as well as usual, so back to full relax mode tonight.

You are improving quite fast at the moment, rest of us cannot keep up🏃‍♂️🤗.

Started my taper today, thanks for asking🤞

 

Sass

 

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Erell
1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

There was always going to be an effect after such a big day, I really expected it would be more severe.

Well it seems I don't understand WD yet as Well as you do : I naively thought it would be a wonderful day today because of this big day ;)

I'm practicing more and more seriously mindfullness and I think it really helps me To deal with intrusive thoughts and the feeling of being condemned. 

 

 

Thank you for your kind words : it is always wonderful when someone helps you To notice that you are improving ! 😙

 

And bravo for this new step ! ❤

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Giulietta

@Erell

 

🚗🚗🚗🚗🚗 Vrooom....there you go!!!

 

Good for you! I am so happy you took this big step. See - you can do it. It was just a matter of time before it was right for you.  

 

And I bet you feel wonderful about yourself - and that your parents are delighted too!

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

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Sassenach
2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well it seems I don't understand WD

Whatever you would expect out of W/D, expect the opposite in it.🤣

Not really a rule but helps me to not take it too seriously.

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Erell
23 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Whatever you would expect out of W/D, expect the opposite in it.🤣

Not really a rule but helps me to not take it too seriously.

Exactly ! Mister WD like To contradict us everytime we believe we find some logic or understanding! 😄

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Erell

Good morning. 

 

Diary Monday 25 Novembre/ day 62 on 10mg Paroxetine = 2 months

 

7am woke up anxious, hot, sweaty.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am hot and sweaty. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

9.30am: anxiety: 4 (😍) / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Disconnected. A bit depressed.

11am took a walk in the neighborhood. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

3pm : went To walk in my town. Strong Panic attack in foodstore, went To my flat To try To calm down. 

6pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

7.30pm: Feel almost normal  (😍) : anxiety : 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3. (Restlessness at such a low level is so Nice! I had forgotten how good it can be To have less intrusive thoughts and being able To stay on the couch without too much impatience or agitation! 😍)

8.30pm : bedtime. 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm,  then anxiety ramped up a bit. Managed To fall asleep 1 hour later. 

Agitated night : lot of waking up, but managed To fall back To sleep. 

Woke up anxious (6) this morning at 7am. 

 

---》 anxiety ramping up a bit while trying To fall asleep is new. Usually, in my baseline, putting lights off and closing eyes is pleasant.

Well, another new WD guest!

 

---》 This morning I struggle with intrusive thoughts "i'll never Feel better or Feel good", "my anxiety Will never get To a normal level" "i'm going To loose my job"...

Also Feel depressed.

 

I'm supposed To get back To work next Monday and I really need To be able To.

These past few days I Feel a need To get back To a normal routine, To do things.

The only thing that makes me doubt I can is my anxiety level, and agoraphobia.

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

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sunnysideup69

I think I asked you this already, hun, but can you maybe ask to do a 'phased return' ? ie maybe do some half days to start, then a full week of half days, then some half some whle, then back to normal?

It's a gentler way to ease back into working. Not sure how employment law works in France, but in UK, employers have to make 'reasonable adjustments' to help you back into work if you have been off. It really helped me to go back...and was a lot gentler a way in.

 

Your ratings are looking pretty good :)

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Sassenach

Good evening Erell.

 

Three and fours, seem to remember last week you thought those scores would be great.

Sunny has a good point. You are doing great but remember your CNS is still repairing, you can only push it so far by willpower.

I think you may be developing anxiety about the anxiety falling asleep.

Try really slowing down towards bedtime, hot bath, candles and push WD from your mind.

You are much better so I am sure you can find better things to think about in the bath.😎

Get the sleep back on track and there wil be no stopping you.

If it is "that" time of the month you have also experienced heightened emotions the last twice.

 

Sass

 

 

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Erell

Dear @sunnysideup69 : yes i'll probably have To do part-time ;)

 

Dear @Sassenach :

 

Oh yes 3 and 4 are great level ! 😍

Today it was 5 all day, and I felt sad about it, but then I thought that there have been time when I would have Felt blessed with a 5 ! Remembering how far I come helps To Cope with intrusive thoughts ;)

You're right in reminding me that my CNS is still repairing : i'm too impatient of getting back To 'normal' life, while I should just be glad with my improvements.

 

I don't think i'm really anxious about the anxiety falling asleep, but you may be right. Its weird because just before I put lights off I Feel ok.

But last terror appeared while trying To fall asleep so maybe this memory is still présent...

I didn't change anything in my bedtime routine : relaxing music, sudoku, quiet book,...

 

I don't know if it is "that" time of the month as I'm a bit wonky since August, but it could be part of the story for sure if I am in PMS. 

 

Well, it seems I have To keep on working on patience and be gentle with my CNS ;) big job! 

 

Hugs To you both ❤

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sunnysideup69
6 minutes ago, Erell said:

Dear @sunnysideup69 : yes i'll probably have To do part-time ;)

Hugs dear Erell, that's a good start and will get you back into the routine of working xxx

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mustafa
1 hour ago, Erell said:

i'm too impatient

if patience is being sold, i will pay all my money to buy it, half of our suffer is patience.;)

i hope you are ok and very sorry if my words are little, right now i feel iam stange to SA and you because of depersonalization for sure.

take care❤️

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Giulietta

Dear @Erell

 

Do start part-time if you can. I think this would be quite reasonable for your MD to let your employer know that you need to do this. Working full-time may likely set you back in your progress - and perhaps more likely to have more waves and longer ones? @sunnysideup69 is completely right about this and if you have this option I would take it. Will you be able to continue to get your health allowance?

 

In the US people can request  an 'accommodation' that would allow people to work (maybe fewer hours or flexible schedule = as long as it doesn't cause 'undue hardship' on the employer.

 

7 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

will get you back into the routine of working

 

You are so smart @sunnysideup69! Changing your current situation to a routine is something your mind and body need to adjust to.

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

But last terror appeared while trying To fall asleep so maybe this memory is still présent...

I didn't change anything in my bedtime routine : relaxing music, sudoku, quiet book,...

 

Sometimes things just happen without a reason....

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta :)

 

 

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Erell

Good morning !

 

@mustafa , @sunnysideup69, @Guilietta : thank you for your support! It is so Nice To have you in my life ! ❤

 

 

Diary Tuesday 26 Novembre/ day 63 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious (6)

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4. 

10.30am: feeling depressed, intrusive thoughts. Went To a short walk in the neighborhood. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5 

It Will be the same until 2.30pm. 

2.30pm: quick Spike of despair at 6, cry a bit.

Then went To walk for 45min in my town.

4pm : still depressed feelings. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

8pm : bedtime. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4

Tinnitus. 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, anxiety didn't ramp up ;) 

I have the feeling that I woke up during the night,but can't remember, so its an improvement !

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

 

---》 since 1 hour anxiety is ramping up and I'm feeling really agitated but I know why  : my liquid med is in run out of stock in France (i've seen that it is the same in UK), and I just called 30 drugstores ! I just found some : the drugstore Will be able To give it To me tomorrow, and then I Will have enough med for one more month. It helps me To calm down a bit. 

Pharma industry really play tricks with us !

I would advise every dear survivors to have higher prescriptions so they can make some stock if anything like that happen with their meds. 

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

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Giulietta

Hello dear @Erell and all -

 

Not being able (or the possiblity) of not beig able to get medication is the biggest stressor I can think of.  Have ou tried Canada for your medication @Erell

 

I have not tried this but have no experience with this. Or if your drug could manage the shipment and be secure. Maybe a half baked idea.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

Pharma industry really play tricks with us !

 

Understatement. They price based on what the market will bear. In the US we call it 'price gouging' if I am spelling that right. We started using this expression when the price of gasoline (petrol) went up for no reason when supply was high!

 

 

 

They will do anything for more money.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I would advise every dear survivors to have higher prescriptions so they can make some stock if anything like that happen with their meds.

 

There are two options for this in the US for which I am aware. I have done both.  One is to get your MD to write you an extra RX (as long as it is not a benzo or certain CNS meds because it is illegal) and you pay out of pocket.  The other option is to take a few out of every new bottle and set it aside. I think many of us do this.

 

It is a disgrace that this is held over peoples' heads. Pharmacies are at the whim of wholesalers - who get from pharma (I believe).

 

Hugs

xxxx

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Sassenach

Hi you.

 

You have had a busy day.

Did not think SA was part of lullaby mode🤗

Sleep tight.

 

Sass

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