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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Erell

Good morning. 

 

Diary Wednesday 27 Novembre/ day 64 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

All day : legs pain (like if my legs were in wood ) and back pain.

7am woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8am very good mood ! Smiling in my bed !

9am : anxiety : 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

10am : short walk in the neighborhood. 

Then, spent 1hour calling a lot of drugstores, anxiety ramping up, tremors in legs.

1pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

2pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 /despair; 4.

It Will be the same all Afternoon. 

From 8pm To 11pm : waiting for a prescription in a medical office.

11pm : in my bed. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 3.

I think I fall asleep around midnight. 

woke up several times during the night, and woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

@Sassenach : 😄 Nothing can be hidden from you ! 😚

As you can see in my Diary, I messed up with my bedtime routine : the reason is simple, even if the story is absurd!

After calling a lot of drugstores, I finally found one with 2 bottles of my med. 

But they want me To come this morning with a prescription : every month they send back the meds they don't sell To the lab in order To not loose money.  So they told me that if I don't come today, the 2 bottles would be send back...

Problem : i'm supposed To see my doctor next Monday for the new prescription and he is on holidays this week

But the drugstore don't want To wait until Monday...

I called a lot of doctors, no one could receive me, so my only option was To go To a medical evening place where you wait To see a doctor without appointment. And they were a lot of people! So I waited almost 2.30 hours To get my paper. Hours very anxious because they were a lot of people and noises in the waiting room, so spend my time on my Phone To distract.

 

Absurd story, and bedtime routine messed up !

 

But the good news is : i'll have two bottles today, which means enough meds until mid-January.

Another good news : found another drugstore who Will give me 2 more bottles next Monday, so enough meds until mid-February.

 

And hopefully until then the out of stock Will be over in Europe !

 

This morning, I don't Feel Well, but seems logical after Yesterday.

Back To my bedtime schedule tonight ! 

 

😥 What a day my friends ! Worked so hard only To make sure i'll have enough poison To stabilise! Life in WD 😉

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mustafa
5 hours ago, Erell said:

What a day my friends ! Worked so hard only To make sure i'll have enough poison To stabilise! Life in WD 😉

Hi erell, 

Is it a must to have a paper to get your antidepressant?, I can get them from a drug store without any problem, very easy 🙄. Tricyclic antidepressants are prescribed for colon problems and for sleeping problems without a doctor paper( this is all up on the opinion of psychiatrist that we have angel drugs that have no any harm).

No problem to have poisons to stabilize, one day you will get rid-off all of them and there our body will heal  all of these effects, I think we will be stronger after we are weaned♥️.

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Guilietta

Hello @Erelland @mustafa

 

Sorry about the messed up sleep routine and all the time you spent chasing down medication and the complications. It is so stressful. Bottom line is that you found a solution - so you can practice gratitude and go to sleep knowing you have some security. The latter is priceless! And you can look forward to a relaxing evening and good sleep.

 

I did a lot of chasing medication, working with MDs and insurance companies over the past few days. Patients really are at their mercy.

 

@mustafa What? YOu can just walk into the pharmacy and get some of these medications wtihout a prescription (paper) from a physician? Amazing. Some of the drugs in the US you have to show personal identification!!!!

 

Do you have trouble getting your medication - or it available without a probme

 

Yes - when we are off this garbage we won't have to deal with getting the medication

 

 

 

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mustafa
1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

 

@mustafa What? YOu can just walk into the pharmacy and get some of these medications wtihout a prescription (paper) from a physician? Amazing. Some of the drugs in the US you have to show personal identification!!!!

Yesss🙂, if I want to get paroxetine( the AD for erell), I just go to the pharmacy and tell, I need a box of seroxat( its name in Egypt) .i.e 25 mg or I can even get any number of boxes I need🤗., It is hard for benzos, they need papers of course but I think ADs has no difference to benzos.

Is it the situation for all the drugs or only psychiatric in USA @Guilietta?( To give a prescription before having a drug).

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

That story is so absurd it has to be true🤣

How have you managed today after all that hassle?

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi dear Sass,

 

Well, no extreme, but it was not a good day lot of agoraphobia, depressed feelings and restlessness, lot of intrusive thoughts  : Will I really stabilise ? Am I still healing, improving ? Will I be able To try work Monday?

 

I coped with distraction and mindfullness. 

 

I also have physical symptoms since Yesterday, but honestly if they were the only symptoms life would be wonderful! (Legs, back, arms, neck pain ).

 

This morning I went To the drugstore To get my 2 bottles (😉), and I felt highly anxious there.

It makes me very sad because I don't see how I would be able To go To work next Monday if I make panic attack everytime I go out of my flat. 

I know its only a job, and that my world won't end if they fire me. Its just that colleagues and boss made me understand that they start To get annoyed by my long absence, and I don't Feel strong enough To Cope reproaches and judgements. 

 

I think today i'm tired of this situation and this daily struggle. I know it shall pass so I just wait for the days To end and try To stay positive. But sometimes I loose hope.

 

 

@mustafa and @Guilietta : thank You for your support. 

In France, there are some meds that you can buy without a prescription, but almost all meds need To be prescribed.

And it is impossible To get AD without a prescription! ;)

 

Hugs To all 

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Sassenach
8 minutes ago, Erell said:

I know its only a job, and that my world won't end if they fire me. Its just that colleagues and boss made me understand that they start To get annoyed by my long absence, and I don't Feel strong enough To Cope reproaches and judgements. 

Am I correct in thinking you work in the carer profession?

10 minutes ago, Erell said:

I think today i'm tired of this situation and this daily struggle. I know it shall pass so I just wait for the days To end and try To stay positive. But sometimes I loose hope.

We all are Erell, on the bad days.

We know a secret though, the good days get better and more frequent.

 

Sass

 

 

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Erell
1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

Am I correct in thinking you work in the carer profession?

Yes, I work with disabled people.

But workers are not supposed To be disabled, and overall not for 3-4 months ;)

Even in those professions !

 

3 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

We all are Erell, on the bad days.

We know a secret though, the good days get better and more frequent.

 

Yes I know, that's why I try To not complain too much. Its just a bad day for my mood, and being tired of this weird life. 

 

Hope you're doing Well ❤

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Sassenach
1 minute ago, Erell said:

But workers are not supposed To be disabled

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are not disabled.

You are a victim of these terrible drugs, more importantly you are caring and clever enough to help do something about them.

If care workers are in as much demand in France as the UK you will have no problem getting another job if necessary.

Settle down tonight and back to routine🤗

 

Sass

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Erell

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday 28 November/ day 65 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

All day : pain and aches (neck, legs, back) / agoraphobia / lot of intrusive thoughts. 

7am: woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

10am: went To the drugstore. Felt awful there, lot of anxiety and restlessness. 

12 : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

2.30pm: Feel very sad. Cry. Despair: 6.

3.30pm: went To walk 30minutes outside. 

6pm depressed feelings. Painfull body. Despair: 6.

8pm : bedtime. Strong sad feelings,can't listen To my usual relaxing music because every music make me cry. Try To distract with sudoku. Despair : 6.

9pm : Tears in eyes, feeling desperate. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up highly anxious and confused at 11.30pm. 

Fall back To sleep around midnight. 

Night was agitated with wakings up and weird dreams. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7.30am. 

 

--》 From Wednesday 20 November To last Monday, I felt more confident,  stronger To push myself (going To a bar, drive To see my parents,...). My scores were between 3/4/5 and I almost felt like I was turning a corner.

 

Since last Tuesday I Feel very sad and depressed, and I Feel like I don't have strenght anymore. I've lost my confidence in better days. It Feels like if my body stopped making efforts To try To reach a 4 level, back To a 5/6.

 

--》 my periods should normally come in next days. Maybe silly but i'm hoping those sad and depressed feelings are there because i'm in PMS,  so hoping i'll get some relief with my periods. 

 

This morning I just wanna stay in my bed and cry under my blanket. 

 

 

Wish you all a better day ❤

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MissyE
2 hours ago, Erell said:

Good morning. 

 

Diary Thursday 28 November/ day 65 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

All day : pain and aches (neck, legs, back) / agoraphobia / lot of intrusive thoughts. 

7am: woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

10am: went To the drugstore. Felt awful there, lot of anxiety and restlessness. 

12 : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

2.30pm: Feel very sad. Cry. Despair: 6.

3.30pm: went To walk 30minutes outside. 

6pm depressed feelings. Painfull body. Despair: 6.

8pm : bedtime. Strong sad feelings,can't listen To my usual relaxing music because every music make me cry. Try To distract with sudoku. Despair : 6.

9pm : Tears in eyes, feeling desperate. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up highly anxious and confused at 11.30pm. 

Fall back To sleep around midnight. 

Night was agitated with wakings up and weird dreams. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 7.30am. 

 

--》 From Wednesday 20 November To last Monday, I felt more confident,  stronger To push myself (going To a bar, drive To see my parents,...). My scores were between 3/4/5 and I almost felt like I was turning a corner.

 

Since last Tuesday I Feel very sad and depressed, and I Feel like I don't have strenght anymore. I've lost my confidence in better days. It Feels like if my body stopped making efforts To try To reach a 4 level, back To a 5/6.

 

--》 my periods should normally come in next days. Maybe silly but i'm hoping those sad and depressed feelings are there because i'm in PMS,  so hoping i'll get some relief with my periods. 

 

This morning I just wanna stay in my bed and cry under my blanket. 

 

 

Wish you all a better day ❤

Hey Errell

Sorry to see your struggling today.

It's hard.  You are doing well.  Good that you remember your achievements.  It's demoralising feeling bad again. 

Maybe you need a duvet day and good cry? 🤗

Your body and brain are working hard to heal.

Love and peace. Missy x

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Guilietta
22 hours ago, mustafa said:

Is it the situation for all the drugs or only psychiatric in USA @

 

We must have a prescription from an MD or Nurse Practioner or Physician's Assistant to fill a medication - an AD, Benzo (they are considered different), anti-biotic, many pain-killers, prednisone, and many of this depends on the strength of the drug. This applies to topical medications too (to treat eczema or rosacea, for example).

 

 

 

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Guilietta

Hello Sweetie @Erell

 

Ack. You have had a tough day. As I am in haste - I havebulletpoints which are faster. Foggy thinking too and want to visit others. :)

  • If we are fired (use the word laid off  due to department changes....I don't know waht they call it in France), so what. We get another job. I used to worry about this too.
  • There are a lot of carer jobs. We can't fill them all in the USA either. Ageing population means increasing jobs for carers
  • YOu are not disabled. We do not have mental health problems. Some a**** prescribed us meds that messed with the neurotransmitters in our brains. The government considers me 'disabled' - and it messes with your head. We will keep reminding you that you are not disabled and you can please do same for me.  ;)
  • Write down all your achievements - past and present. Try to write 50. Then add 50 more. Read them every day. and every night. Thinkg about them until you get a happy feeling about each one.
  • Perhaps envision a future goal andhow you can make that happen  and how good you will feel when you do that.
  • 6 hours ago, Erell said:

    my periods should normally come in next days. Maybe silly but i'm hoping those sad and depressed feelings are there because i'm in PMS,  so hoping i'll get some relief with my periods. 

  • More stinking chemicals at work. The days before our period we are feeling down because progesterone or estrogen increases or decreases. Then when it 'starts' our mood improves because they reverse. In English you might look under menstrual hormal changes in google to learn more. If you want.
  • I am tired of it all too. Every day - afternoon, morning -  fluctuations of syptoms -  we have each otherh for company.

Sometimes staying under the duvet and cryingis a good idea or not. I have to get up and feed my dog so I have no choice. Plus take meds. Some peopel have to take care of kids.

 

Sometimes having something to look forward to is a good idea. For me it used to be getting a croissant and coffee. I particularly like the almondine. ;)

 

Do you eat filled croissants in France - or is it an American thing?

 

Hang in there.

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mustafa

hi erell, iam sorry you had a tough day. it is frustrating to feel everything will end at a moment but you are surprised you are suffering again, i understand this very well  but as we all believe in healing so, your suffer will end for sure, i know you believe this as well, dont lose hope, i want to remind you with your words to me 'every thing will be a memory', you said this, right?..................hang on, dear.❤️

 

 

 

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Erell

Yes what a rough day today! Cried all day, incontrôlable cries, constant desperate intrusive thoughts.

I really Feel psychologically exhausted, don't see the point of this life.

I haven't had this level of despair since a while, so when it happen it always give the feeling that you are not improving at all.

 

I also struggle with a lot of guilty feelings: today, I tried To go outside but I was crying too much in the middle of the street, so I actually spent the day on my couch. And I Feel strongly guilty of not doing more.

 

So here I am, don't know if i'm starting a deeper wave, or if my hormones are playing with me, or if it is both.

I'll see what tomorrow brings. 

 

53 minutes ago, mustafa said:

 i want to remind you with your words to me 'every thing will be a memory', you said 

Mustafa, you're right To remind me this!

Its so weird : when I write those kind of things on others' threads, I actually believe it ! How quickly WD  can change our  mood !

You're an angel To remind me this my friend: it helps me To remind that my oldself is a positive person, so this despair is not the real me.  Thank you ❤

 

@MissyE : thank you for your kind supportive ❤

 

@Guilietta : yes, if i'm fired,i'll get another job. Its just really rough To Cope with judgements of others during WD, and with reproaches. 

We don't eat much filled croissants in France but simple croissants 😉 And what we call "pains au chocolat" 😄

 

 

Hugs To you all my friends, thank you for being there during these rough days ❤

 

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Vegalia

Salut Erell,

 

Je t'envoie toutes mes pensées.

Ne te sens pas coupable de n'avoir pas pu faire plus aujourd'hui, c'était une journée difficile. 

Tu feras plus un autre jour comme tu l'as déjà fait.

 

Moi aussi je suis beaucoup restée couchée.

J'irai me promener un autre jour.

 

Plein d'ondes positives dans cette galère.

 

Bisous

 

Vega

 

Hi Erell,

 

I send you all my thoughts.

Do not feel guilty about not being able to do more today, it was a difficult day.

You will do more another day as you have already done.

 

I too stayed a lot.

I'll go for a walk another day.

 

Full of positive waves in this galley.

 

Kisses

 

Vega

 

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Sassenach

Hi

 

The last two months you have had bad days before your period, soon be over.

2 hours ago, Erell said:

And I Feel strongly guilty of not doing more.

To be guilty you have to do something wrong, you have not, at least as far as we are aware👿

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

To Cope with judgements of others

Who cares what others think, let them experience W/D they will then understand, sod'em.

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

"pains au chocolat"

Naughty but nice🤐

Will feel better tomorrow, trust me I am not a Turd🤗

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Erell

Thank you Vegalia and Sassenach for these kind words before going To bed ❤

 

Wish you a delightful night 

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sunnysideup69

@Erell, have a wonderful sleep. Did I read some where that you have the Jon kabbat Zinn 'Mindfulness/Body scan' meditation? I highly recommend it for knocking yourself out. Am gonna post it on my thread now....the past three nights, I have started playing it at at 1830 ish and have zonked out into sleep for about 4 hours straight. 

 

 

I'm so sorry you've had a sh*tty day, but of course, it's all normal. For us ;) WD on Monday and Tuesday also had me thinking I was going backwards. Today, I'm much better again. WD tells us lies. You are recovering, your symptoms are wobbling around and changing, and your hormones will be wreaking havoc with you. I also have that in menopause with WD.

 

Get yourself cosy and do your bedtime thing, tomorrow is a new day, sending hugs xxxxx

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Guilietta

Coucou @Erell

 

Sorry your day was not a better one!

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

I haven't had this level of despair since a while, so when it happen it always give the feeling that you are not improving at all.

 

 

You have been giving me good advice on this the past few days, thank you. It is hard to apply what we know about WD to ourselves isn't it. I felt like I am sliding backwards and then the terrible feelings are gone in no time. @sunnysideup69 said on her thread that the waves mean  repairing is happening @sunnysideup69 please correct me if I am wrong with the meaning. ;) 

 

You are doing things 'right'. Guilt is a useless emotion anyway. It is like worry. Useless.

 

2 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Who cares what others think,

 

Whether WD - which they are utterly clueless about - or something else - it is what you think. Don't let them have the power to make you feel bad about yourself.  I don't know how to say this in simper English. Maybe @Sassenach can help?

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

We don't eat much filled croissants

 

It must be an American thing - althogh when I have been in Canadian cities not far from Quebec - they have Patisserie Boulanger (sorry!) which also features filled croissants.... It's hard to get nice flaky croissants too

 

Thanks to @sunnysideup69 for posting Jon Kabat-Zinn.

 

I am looking forward to bedtime too.  Have a good night's sleep

Hugs,

Giuilietta :rolleyes:

 

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Erell

Good morning!

 

14 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

. Did I read some where that you have the Jon kabbat Zinn 'Mindfulness/Body scan' meditation? 

Hi Sunny, yes i'm practicing a mindfullness program by Jon Kabbat-Zinn : its an 8 weeks program, the idea is To add every week new exercices.

This week I practice every day : 

- 15 minutes twice a day of mindfullness of Breath.

- 30 minutes of bodyscan.

- mindfullness in daily tasks, which I practice while I brush my teeth.

 

I think it really helps me with intrusive thoughts, but, as you know, sometimes WD is stronger ;)

 

14 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

 

 your hormones will be wreaking havoc with you. 

 

Yes, I think my hormones are playing tricks with me ! My periods were supposed To be there in the beginning of the week, but i'm still waiting ;)

This week I have all the sensations and pain in my pelvic area and a typical invasion of buttons on my chin, so periods should be right there soon 😉 

 

12 hours ago, Guilietta said:

Whether WD - which they are utterly clueless about - or something else - it is what you think. Don't let them have the power to make you feel bad about yourself. 

 

One day Sassenach told me that I Will be surprised by how fast people can forget, and I really hope it is true.

I have intrusive thoughts of permanent damage : fear that things Will never be the same with my family or my friends, and that i'm loosing them and their respect step by step. Now they all see me as a mentally ill and weird person who doesnt do enough To try To get better.

 

About colleagues and boss, I know they don't look at me the same way they did. My boss asked me the other day if I was doing all this just To avoid work ! It is hard To hear this when you're fighting everyday To stay alive! They reproach me this long absence and I know they don't respect me as much as they did. 

 

I know I should try To be less impacted by others judgements, but its really hard when you don't Feel mentally strong at all. I admire you Sassenach for your strenght on this and hope that one day I Will only be proud of myself when I Will think about WD.

 

14 hours ago, Sassenach said:

To be guilty you have to do something wrong, you have not, at least as far as we are aware👿

 

I know, it is a strange feeling, and a useless one, as Guilietta said.

It is an internal voice that makes me Feel guilty about being useless, about the absence of meaning in my days.

For example, Everytime I go on the couch To try to distract with a movie, I have this guilty feeling telling me that I should do things, go outside, try more...

It is a mean voice: I called it Bob To try To put distance 😉🙃

 

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

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Erell

Diary Friday 29 November/ day 66 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up anxious with the alarm. Painful right knee.

10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

8.40am: Feel sick, like if I have a cold.

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

10am : Cry, Feel disconnected 

12 : still crying. Mentally agitated. Psychologically exhausted and depressed.

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6.

2pm : despair at 7, still crying. Tried To walk outside but was crying too much in the street so I went back To my flat. 

5pm : still crying. Despair still at 7.

Headache.

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5.

8pm : bedtime. Headache.

Stopped crying. Highly disconnected, my life doesnt seem To be mine. 

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6.

9.30pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5. Disconnected. 

 

Lights off at 10.20pm, fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up several times during the night but managed To fall back To sleep.

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

---》 Cried almost all day, couldn't control my tears. Rough day because of strong desperate feelings and thoughts telling me that I Will never Feel good, or better.

Strong feeling of being back in time, of not improving.

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sunnysideup69
26 minutes ago, Erell said:

I know I should try To be less impacted by others judgements, but its really hard when you don't Feel mentally strong at all.

 

I know, it is a strange feeling, and a useless one, as Guilietta said.

It is an internal voice that makes me Feel guilty about being useless, about the absence of meaning in my days.

For example, Everytime I go on the couch To try to distract with a movie, I have this guilty feeling telling me that I should do things, go outside, try more...

It is a mean voice: I called it Bob To try To put distance

 

 

I love that you have a name for that mean voice, Bob! Bob can f*** off! I'm going to name my mean voice 'Mrs Arjan'......we have a really spiteful teaching assistant at work, who is mean to the kids. My nasty, discouraging voice is going to have her name, and everytime I hear that inner dialogue, I'm going to yell 'F*** off Mrs Arjan!'

 

I totally get the struggle with 'meaning' and in this phase, it's really hard. I also hear 'Mrs Arjan' nagging me and saying my days are meaningless, on a bad day. So, I have decided that what gives my life meaning is coming on here, saying kind things to someone struggling, smiling at a passerby in the street, stroking a stray cat. Watering my plants, keeping them alive. I have made my life smaller and that's just how it is, and it won't be that way forever.

 

We DO care what others think of us, we're wired to be social creatures and so we want to be accepted. I'm trying to narrow the range of people whose opinions I let affect me, though. Even when mentally robust, opinions can be hurtful.

Sending you love and hugs from London xxx I'm going out food shopping now and am then going to attempt to clean this flat. I bought a mini Xmas tree and I'm going to drape some lights around it today. Hope you have some nice distractions, too.

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Guilietta
4 hours ago, Erell said:

One day Sassenach told me that I Will be surprised by how fast people can forget, and I really hope it is true.

 

Hello dear Erell,

 

I forget about it until WD symptoms come back and when I am preparing my capsulesfor the week. @Sassenach is right. Even when I experience some anxiety that is not too bad I tell myself it is temporary and that it will go away (and it does - even though it may come back for an unwelcome visit).

 

Think of it like the seasons in countriese where there are more distinct types of weather. Storms - are like waves which come and go - It is sort of like bad weather!!! Blizzards, Thunderstorms, Sunny days, warm and hot days, etc.

4 hours ago, Erell said:

makes me Feel guilty about being useless, about the absence of meaning in my days

 

I feel same. We all do and we do what we  can when we can. I look at undone stuff around me (like the damn paperwork which yobu have heard of!).Anndn tried to identify  goals of in my life, how I can make them happen (visulization)?,  figure out what more things will make me happier - now and as WD becomes less of an issue in my life.

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

Everytime I go on the couch To try to distract with a movie, I have this guilty feeling telling me that I should do things, go outside, try more...

 

Treat yourself as you would a 'best' friend - someone you love dearly - think of how gentle you would be with them. Treat yourself as kindly and respectfully and compassioinatley as you do us. It's hard to do.

 

Yesterday I was telling myself I was loser, etc. but it passed.. sad and angry. It's hard to remember the above for myself.

 

3 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I totally get the struggle with 'meaning' and in this phase, it's really hard. I also hear 'Mrs Arjan' nagging me and saying my days are meaningless, on a bad day.

 

Dears @Erell @sunnysideup69-  I think sometimes we are dealt a bad hand in life and that it is the way it is - and it heals in time with good care. Fortunately we have a team of experts on our case. Including ourselves. 

 

4 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Watering my plants, keeping them alive. I have made my life smaller and that's just how it is, and it won't be that way forever.

 

We DO care what others think of us, we're wired to be social creatures and so we want to be accepted. I'm trying to narrow the range of people whose opinions I let affect me, though. Even when mentally robust, opinions can be hurtful.

 

Well said. We do what we can - even if we feel guilty about watching TV! No guilt.

 

And good to take care of osmething or someone else.

 

I know people are approval seekers so it is natural for people to want to accept us into their tribe - particularly if we have a nurturing nature. I think it can be easier now to have our will and personalith  bent to the opinions of others. This is an opportunity to learn skills to learn to know who these people are - I am not sure I know - and how to stand up to the will of others.

 

We learn who our friends are - they are the ones who accept us for who we are - and illnesses - I include WD  is part of us for now.  We don't need toxic personalities in our life - now or ever.

 

We confine our world to doing what we can and more of what makes us happy.

 

I tried keeping my eyes open during meditation - could do part way - it helped. Thaks for the tip @Erell

 

Hugs

Giuilietta


 

 

 

 

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Erell

Thank you both for trying To help me, you are very Nice persons.

I admire your strenght.

I Feel deeply stuck, on one hand I want all this To end,  but I know I won't hurt myself because of my parents. I can't imagine be responsible for their suffering, so it is not an option.

On the other hand, I truly don't know why I keep trying. Nobody here can really tell me that I'm gonna Feel normal or good one day, because nobody can predict the future or truly know how our brains work. 

Even if I stabilise one day, I have years of tappering ahead me, years of constant suffering. And I already don't have strenght anymore.

All I hope now to solve it is life giving me the gift To let me go during my sleep.

 

I Will continue To fight for my family, I just wish I'd be stronger. 

I don't know how you all do for keeping your trust in life, I would like To be more like you, and I try.

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Vegalia

Ma chère Erell,

 

Je suis triste de te savoir comme cela.

Je ne veux rien comparer car chaque personne est différente.

Ceci dit il m'arrive d'avoir aussi de telles pensées.

J'essaie déjà d'espérer une stabilisation et ne pense pas trop au combat futur du sevrage qui viendra en son temps s'il le faut. J'essaie.

Tu es forte Erell. On peut admirer ici les personnes qui ont traversé tant d'épreuves, c'est sûr. Personne ne devrait souffrir comme cela, c'est sûr. Mais se sont-ils toujours sentis assez forts? N'ont-ils jamais eu de mauvaises pensées ? N'ont-ils jamais été désespérés ? Je pense que si probablement et pourtant 

 

Je t'envoie une fois de plus toutes mes pensée, ma main toujours tendue.

 

Bisous. ❤️

 

Vega.

 

My dear Erell,

 

I am sad to know you like that.

I do not want to compare anything because each person is different.

That said, I happen to have such thoughts too.

I'm already trying to hope for a stabilization and do not think too much about the future fight of weaning that will come in time if necessary. I try.

You are strong Erell. We can admire here the people who have gone through so many trials, that's for sure. Nobody should suffer like that, that's for sure. But have they always felt strong enough? Have they never had bad thoughts? Have they never been desperate? I think so probably and yet

 

I send you once more all my thoughts, my hand always tense.

 

Kisses. ❤️

 

Vega.

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Gridley
1 hour ago, Erell said:

Nobody here can really tell me that I'm gonna Feel normal or good one day, because nobody can predict the future or truly know how our brains work. 

Even if I stabilise one day, I have years of tappering ahead me, years of constant suffering.

Erell,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.  It's true that no one can predict the future, but we really do all heal.  I know you have years of tapering ahead of you (I do too), but it won't all be suffering.  There will be some good parts too.  I know it can feel hopeless but it isn't.  I also know you're feeling exhausted but you have the inner strength to see this through.

 

You're a beautiful soul.

 

Gridley

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Guilietta

Hello @Erell

 

Coucou mon ami Erell,

 

Je suis tres triste (I am very sad) that you feel so terrible now.

 

I went through your posts and found this

 

On 11/19/2019 at 12:03 PM, Erell said:

After my benzo WD, I never felt so peaceful in my life ! 😍 

And during my AD tappering in 2018-2019 I felt like I was discovering myself Again, happier than ever 😍 until last August ;)

 

 

I absolutely believe that  you (and I and @sunnysideup69 and @Sassenach and @Vegalia and @Gridley are going to be better).  @Rhiannon is a shining example of success.  oopos I forgot @mustafa who is also plodding ahead. Your words - and your post up above - which I reread - help me make it through my thoughts of despair and misbehaving neurotransmitters and chemicals.  :)

 

 I think it is 7 or 8 pm in Brittany now - time do  your relaxing nighttime routine - listen to the post @sunnysideup69 , have a warm shower, color, etc.  I am looking forward to my night-time routine starting in 4 hours! And then going to church tomorrow morning, where I pray for your continued recovery, mine and everyone's on SA.

 

 

 

With big hugs

Guiuilietta 🤗

 

 

 

 

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Guilietta

Hello @Erell

 

Coucou mon ami Erell,

 

Forgot to mention, yes, I'm in the tapering for years club too. So we'll all be doing this together and I'll be here supporting you. One day at a time.

 

Hugs,

Your friend in the USA>

Giulietta

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Sassenach
1 hour ago, Erell said:

All I hope now to solve it is life giving me the gift To let me go during my sleep

I have asked before but I will ask again.

The question is not "do you want to die, but do you want to live?"

One day because of this you will be so much more confident and stronger than you are now.

Your caring side will help you become a very special person if that is what you want.

Now sleep routine and bed.

 

Sass

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mustafa
1 hour ago, Erell said:

Thank you both for trying To help me, you are very Nice persons.

I admire your strenght.

I Feel deeply stuck, on one hand I want all this To end,  but I know I won't hurt myself because of my parents. I can't imagine be responsible for their suffering, so it is not an option.

On the other hand, I truly don't know why I keep trying. Nobody here can really tell me that I'm gonna Feel normal or good one day, because nobody can predict the future or truly know how our brains work. 

Even if I stabilise one day, I have years of tappering ahead me, years of constant suffering. And I already don't have strenght anymore.

All I hope now to solve it is life giving me the gift To let me go during my sleep.

 

I Will continue To fight for my family, I just wish I'd be stronger. 

I don't know how you all do for keeping your trust in life, I would like To be more like you, and I try.

i think i can predict your future and i trust it 100 percent that your suffer will end, secondly, who told you that you will suffer like this in your next taper, it may be easier:huh:, even if you will suffer, you have gains from you taper that will enable you overcome symptomts, getting yourself back will strengthen you, dont worry. you aren't a source of your parents sadness, WD arent permant(dont forget this). everything will end. 

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rola

@Erell

hi erell
I am sad that you are not well.
you are in a period where you do not want to do anything anymore (periods it plays a lot)
and I understand you here, everybody understands you.
and we are all here to support each other.
for we alone know what we are going through.
you're a great girl, you're always here to reassure us
so stp courage and keep fighting.
I kiss you very hard

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mustafa

one more thing to add @Erell, i think during your taper you can reach a time that you can go for work and drive your car, you will be tapering but not banned to do your life actions

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Guilietta
2 minutes ago, rola said:

(periods it plays a lot)

 

Yup!  And here's another reason you feel in the dumps! It magnifies anyone's unhappiness.

 

🤣

 

Hugs 🤗

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Erell

Good morning.

 

Honestly Sassenach, no, I don't wanna live. I can't die because of my parents, so I'll live, but there is no desire in me, except the desire of not making my parents sad.

I don't have any impetus, dreams or hope inside me anymore. 

 

I Will continue To wait for the days To end, that's all I can do.

 

Take all good care of yourselves

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sunnysideup69
54 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

I don't have any impetus, dreams or hope inside me anymore. 

 

I Will continue To wait for the days To end, that's all I can do.

 

@Erell, trust me, I understand this. I had it on replay for summer 2018, and then again in May-August 2019 on and off. I still get waves of 'life is meaningless.' It's not you......it's WD. Your impetus/dreams/hope is in there still, I promise you, but gets overtaken by WD. This is not you, remember, it's Bob taking over. Bob will definitely start to get less of a grip but it's going to take time, because Bob is the King of Turds.

 

Holding your hand, @Erell xxxxx

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