Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

@Guilietta : thank you my friend for your needed support  ❤

 

Diary Monday 2 December/ day 69 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious, but less than usual. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8am : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5.

It Will be the same all morning. 

2pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Tinnitus. Disconnected. 

Went To do some foodshop, quickly because of anxiety. 

4pm : back To my flat after 35 minutes walk in neighborhood. Weird : had a few seconds of terror/dizziness during the walk, then disappeared.

4.30pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

5.30pm : doctor appointment. 

7pm : slight headache. Anxiety : 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

8pm : bedtime. Tinnitus, back pain, headache. 

9pm : mum called. Then I cry during 30minutes.

Lights off at 10.30pm,  fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious (5) at 7am this morning. 

 

---》 doctor prescribed me off work until January. Im sad about it, but its also a relief. I really do hope i'll be able To go back To work in January, I need it.

 

---》 mum called last evening: she told me that she has done researches and talks with friends and now know that i'm bipolar, and that my family think I Will be sick all my life. So now i'm the "bipolar girl" of the family.

It was rough To hear : I translated a lot of good informations I found on SA, and wrote them emails To explain them WD and what was happening. 

I thought that they were beginning To understand my situation and accept the unlinearity of WD,  but obviously I was wrong. They now think that I should stop To read silly things about WD on the internet.

I understand their need To put a label on my situation, it probably helps them To accept my limitations. 

But I must admit that it is hard To be labeled by your own family, it makes me Feel very sad and lonely. 

It is hard To find a good balance in relationships : on one hand I think it is important for me during my stabilisation process To make social efforts and see people, and on the other hand interactions are beginning To Feel 'toxic' as friends and family have more and more words that makes me sad and anxious.

I know we are all in the same boat here, but I Feel deeply Alone now.

I also know that I should only live in the now, but déstabilisation has so much changed my life these past months that Im worried about permanent damage in friendships and familyships.

 

 

Wish you all a good day

 

[Erell]

16 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

@Erell, morning, hope your doc signed you off and wasn't a turd xx

Hi dear,

Well with this doctor I never know in which mood i'll find him!

He was surprisingly Nice Yesterday.

He doesnt believe in WD, but as he believes Im a dépressive for life, he always prescribe my meds.

Had To lie To him : as last time he  also prescribed me mianserine and Prazepam, he wanted To know how much these meds help me..

I told him that I had a bad réaction To mianserine and stopped it, and that I was taking Prazepam. 

 

I can't tell him that I didn't take them as he would not prescribe me off work if I don't do what he wants..

Not proud but I don't really have a choice.

I'll educate him when i'll Feel stronger  !

 

What a mess !

 

Hugs To you !

[sunnysideup69]

4 hours ago, Erell said:

Hi dear,

Well with this doctor I never know in which mood i'll find him!

He was surprisingly Nice Yesterday.

He doesnt believe in WD, but as he believes Im a dépressive for life, he always prescribe my meds.

Had To lie To him : as last time he  also prescribed me mianserine and Prazepam, he wanted To know how much these meds help me..

I told him that I had a bad réaction To mianserine and stopped it, and that I was taking Prazepam. 

 

I can't tell him that I didn't take them as he would not prescribe me off work if I don't do what he wants..

Not proud but I don't really have a choice.

I'll educate him when i'll Feel stronger  !

 

What a mess !

 

Hugs To you !

 

That's it, Erell, we have to play the game...I'm glad you have some more time. Also, so sorry about your family 'diagnosing' you....truly, it is so hard to explain to anyone who doesn't understand. One day, I hope it will be common knowledge. In the meantime, main thing is recovery. xxx

[Giulietta]

Hello Sweetie,

 

I am very happy to see your posts today that you are online with us. I think about how you are doing.

 

I spent some time writing to @coldturkey - some in German - so it took more time but was improtant to do. He is also having a hard time. 

 

I am sorry you feel sad and alone. You are neither sad nor alone with us. You are a gem and our friend. If we lived in Brittany with you - we'd  be visiting together. I'd bring the croissants. You could get the coffee or tea. 

 

I have a few thoughts for you - will write more later - but need to bullet point a few for now:

 

• @sunnysideup69 is right. Don't let your family diagnose you. I think it is gradual part of them accepting that you have somethign affecting you now - WD - even if they have labeled it incorrectly. I hope you will not play the game to diagose yourself. It just takes you down a rabbit hole and causes you more worry. Remember that @Sassenach says that these are neurotransmitters playing games with your game and I wouldn't givein to the label.
• That you have more time off work is OK. I keep trying to pick up a little work online - but get distracted. I am doing a little volunteering online. It helps me focus when I can.
• Psychiatrists like to put labels on people (and put is in boxes) because it makes it easier for them to bill insurance companies! They don't care what the label is I think.
• Psychiarists can also excuse WD and more easily justify writing prescriptions. They don't believe in WD, that it is so long and has such severe symptoms. Thjere is in the states (I don't kow if in UK or other) the DSM5. It keeps growing and I can only suspect why.My point here is that I think that it keeps growing is nutty. It is done by the American Psyciatry Association. Don't bother to look at it - just know it's here and quite lengthy. That is why I posted it so you know it is thee and garbage. It is used to help MDs put  us in boxes and bill insurance. https://dsm.psychiatryonline.org/pb-assets/dsm/update/DSM5Update_October2018.pdf
• Good girl for handling the MD as you did.
•  

5 hours ago, Erell said:

t is hard To be labeled by your own family, it makes me Feel very sad and lonely. 

It is hard To find a good balance in relationships : on one hand I think it is important for me during my stabilisation process To make social efforts and see people, and on the other hand interactions are beginning To Feel 'toxic' as friends and family have more and more words that makes me sad and anxious.

I know we are all in the same boat here, but I Feel deeply Alone now.

I also know that I should only live in the now, but déstabilisation has so much changed my life these past months that Im worried about permanent damage in friendships and familyships.

 

It is hard to grasp - but 'understanding' is there problem, not yours, whatever 'thing' you might have - anxiety, WD, or what. As far as any other 'lifetime' dianosis - our grandparents and parents lived with feelings of anxiety and depression and they didn't have these diagnoses or 'medications.'

 

Any diagnosis or health condition you may be legitmately diagnosed with (colitis, epilepsy, muliple sclerosis, diabetes or some other dumb thing - which requires a lot of evaluation and opinions)  is your business - not anyone else's - not your family's or friends'.  Anyone with a chronic illness - for instance ike me, like @Gridley if you read his profile - we are not defined by our illness. When I feel like sharing mine with people I am comfortable with - I do.

 

A 'lifelong' diagnosis  is more b.s. from the medical establishment. Families often defer to MDs and authority figures - thinking that they ahve the answers. Well - they are wrong. Look what they did to you, me, and others on this site with ADs.

 

Sorry about going on a roll.  It may take you a full day to read. I feel really strongly about how we have been abused by these people.

 

It is a winter wonderland here. I dont know if you get much snow in Brittany. It's cold here so unfortunately it stays like this for months and the snow just gets deeper.

 

You are NOT alone. Your friends and family love you.

 

Giulietta
 

[sunnysideup69]

I agree with @Guilietta.

During psychotherapy training ( which is NOT diagnostic), we had to undertake 4 lectures with a psychiatrist based on the DSM 5. Not because psychotherapists use it, but because we need to know how psychs diagnose. 

The DSM5 is laughable. Psychs tend to stick the 'bipolar' tag onto people who are 'treatment resistant' ie having the wonky reaction to antideps that I've been having and many of us here. We're not bipolar, we're recovering from iatrogenoic damage......gah! And unfortunately Dr. Google makes everyone a closet psychiatrist.

 

You could point your family in the direction of these psychiatrists on youtube  or the internet, although you may have done already....Dr. Peter Breggin and Dr, Kelly Brogan, both of whom understand the disequilibrium that psych drugs actually create. 

Sending more hugs over the internet. 

[MissyE]

Errell,  I'm sending you peace and love.  I'm feeling crap, so can't think of how to word what I want to say.  Except l understand about family and it's good you have more time off work.

Missy x

[Giulietta]

29 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Dr. Peter Breggin and Dr, Kelly Brogan, both of whom understand the disequilibrium that psych drugs actually create. 

 

BINGO! I've seen much of this before where the ADs and getting off them causes what they want to label or 'diagnose' as bipolar 'disorder'. Well said @sunnysideup69

 

In many instances IBS (syndrome or disorder - used when their is no real diagnosis) is the same. Psych is nonesense because it is clinical and subjective evaluation. Drugs cause a disequilibrium

 

This is of course the last I knew aobut this - as I was diagnosed with IBS syndrome / disorder. Truth be told I have issues triggered by anxiety and poor diet (in general).  I had the usual GI tests. All results negative. .

 

@Sassenach related the issue between neurotransmitter dysfunction causing physical symptoms (with negative findings) - if I recall correctly. ICD-9 is anotehr convenient way to bill and track often incorrect labels medical issues over large systems and prescribe useless meds. I'm a bit of a cynic about this.

 

I used to work in MDs office. One MD I worked with referred to patients as 'the walking well.'

 

Thanks for sharing about your training @sunnysideup69

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

On 12/2/2019 at 10:58 AM, Erell said:

November: Periods first day: 1 November ( 25 days after 8th October).

Reading my diaries I don't see particular changes : I was in the time while I had 5/6 scores everyday.

You may have been having 5/6 scores but check your post of 30 Oct, mention of SI.

It is worth continuing to monitor even if only for those of us watching you.

On 12/1/2019 at 8:54 AM, Erell said:

Honestly Sassenach, no, I don't wanna live.

You take a deep dive into a black hole which was incompatible with the days around even for W/D.

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

Had To lie To him : as last time he  also prescribed me mianserine and Prazepam, he wanted To know how much these meds help me..

I told him that I had a bad réaction To mianserine and stopped it, and that I was taking Prazepam. 

 

I can't tell him that I didn't take them as he would not prescribe me off work if I don't do what he wants..

Not proud but I don't really have a choice.

I'll educate him when i'll Feel stronger  !

You are learning fast. If the system works against you, then you have no choice but use it to your advantage.

8 hours ago, Erell said:

It was rough To hear : I translated a lot of good informations I found on SA, and wrote them emails To explain them WD and what was happening. 

SA is in the minority, we are round earth to the Medical professions flat.

If our species does not understand something we stick a label on it so the docs know which meds to give us.

Your parents and friends will get a pleasant surprise when they see you improving further, and you will.

You are already bouncing back after a tough weekend.

You have done everything right, everything we have asked of you, your reward is coming.

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hello my dear friends,

 

Actually I don't believe in labels : I completely believe in WD and in the dangerousness of psych meds.

Doctors once told me I wouldnt be able To live without benzos because of my "illness", and since 2017 I prove them wrong.

I utterly agree with SA on every point, and that's why I do what is told me. The only advices I trust is the ones I get here, and i'll never thank enough Altostrata for taking the time To create this place.

 

Its just that is hard To be labeled by family, it is a reminder of how lonely we are in this journey. But as everything, acceptance must be the key (obviously i'm still learning  ).

 

11 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

You take a deep dive into a black hole which was incompatible with the days around even for W/D.

Yes Sass, It was a very very dark hole last weekend, a frightening place. 

And Guess what? Have my periods since noon today! And having a decent day today.

So, obviously, my PMS is worsen by WD! (see your luck here dear Sass? 😄).

I'll have To remind this next month.

It makes me consider seriously evening primrose oil as women shared good effect on their mood on SA.

I think i'll start tomorrow with a low dose. 

 

 

Again, thank you all for holding my hand last weekend ❤ I can't tell you how much your strenght help me.

 

@Guilietta : i'm a bit jealous : I love Snow and we don't get Snow every year in Brittany  🙃

[Sassenach]

5 minutes ago, Erell said:

luck here dear Sass?

Its not luck, I am just brilliant, unfortunately I am the only one who thinks so.😇🤗

[Giulietta]

25 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

SA is in the minority, we are round earth to the Medical professions flat.

If our species does not understand something we stick a label on it so the docs know which meds to give us.

 

I've done enough blabbing for one day. But - SA gets 400K hits a month. 10,000 registered users. 400 active users @Sassenach do I have this right? SA is running around the medical profession, believe me.

 

And most people (even the so called educated ones - including MDs) are mentally lazy. It takes too much to understand something.  So we need to educate them repeatedly.

 

And I think you are working on a book of some kind on this?  

 

 

[Giulietta]

12 minutes ago, Erell said:

Have my periods since noon today! And having a decent day today.

 

12 minutes ago, Erell said:

I'll have To remind this next month.

Maybe you can put a reminder on your fridge

[Sunnyday]

I'm sad to hear about the situation with your family @Erell . When people disbelieved me or put labels on me I felt extremely hurt and like they minimized the suffering I was in. I also felt disrespected. Some apologised later on, some stuck by their version and this resulted in me eventually keeping this to myself most times. Because talking about it and not being believed the majority of the times was so frustrating and hurtful.

This included some family members and like you say it's all about acceptance. You seem to be very understanding, knowing that they're trying to figure out the situation. Like Guilietta says you're not alone, even if all this can feel very lonely. I think you're handling all this very well.

 

I hope the primrose oil works out for you, if it does I might consider it myself!

 

[Erell]

6 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

And I think you are working on a book of some kind on this?  

Yes I am...it is a presumptuous idea ! But the dream of making family, friends, people understand WD and the dangerousness of these meds helps me To hang on 🙃

 

@Sunnyday : thank you for your words, they help me ! ❤

"felt direspected" : that's exactly what I Feel ! And it is hurtfull as you said.

i'll keep you on touch about Evening primrose oil

 

Cold evening here, good day or night To all ❤

[Rhiannon]

On 12/1/2019 at 12:54 AM, Erell said:

Good morning.

 

Honestly Sassenach, no, I don't wanna live. I can't die because of my parents, so I'll live, but there is no desire in me, except the desire of not making my parents sad.

I don't have any impetus, dreams or hope inside me anymore. 

 

I Will continue To wait for the days To end, that's all I can do.

 

Take all good care of yourselves

Oh honey, I am so sorry you're going through this. Believe me, I have been there many times. It's another symptom of the withdrawal.

 

Please just hang in there and walk through your days one at a time. You will emerge from this darkness. One day you will be happy again. I know you can't believe it now. That is why we are here to believe it for you. Your future self is also calling out, saying "hold on, you can do this!" She is out there waiting for you and SO grateful to you for the gift you are giving her.

 

At this time it is probably very difficult to see any hopeful possibilities. That is also a symptom of withdrawal and is very normal. I am not going to try to talk you out of your dark thoughts, because I know from experience that those thoughts are a symptom of withdrawal and they are not touched by logic.

 

However, I am going to put this here for you to come back to when you need to read it:  I have seen many people come through this darkness that you are in, and emerge on the other side. With your history there is every reason to believe that you will do the same. All you have to do is keep going, one day at a time.

 

Don't worry about the future taper, it will be much much easier than this. A slow, safe taper is really not too bad. It is nothing like what you are experiencing now.

 

Hang in there cherie.

[Cocopuffz17]

@Erell I know exactly how you feel with the family aspect. I have had my mother watch me go through this for the last 13 months. From laying in bed for 14-16 hrs a day for a few months to being way better and my autoimmune disease reversing. But when I bring up PAWS she has no interest in believing it. She has watched it first hand and still doesn’t believe it.  Remember it is true and it’s your goal to get through this.... and you will! Keep going! Sometimes your closest friends/family are the most detrimental part in achieving your goal with their limited mindset. As everyone has said.... this site would not exist if doctors knew the proper way to get off these medication and the long term withdrawal implications associated with them.  Everyday that passes is another day closer to being healed! Have a great day! 

[Sassenach]

OK

Busy day.

Bedtime routine.

Want to see no more than 5 for diary tomorrow with a couple of 3s for good measure.

Dormez bien Ma Chere.

 

Sass

Edited December 3, 2019 by Sassenach

[Giulietta]

4 hours ago, Sunnyday said:

When people disbelieved me or put labels on me I felt extremely hurt and like they minimized the suffering I was in. I also felt disrespected.

 

Quite true. Until you said it - I forgot that I felt disrespected (and more) by some of my family.  I felt hurt, shame, and bewildered.  It feels so awful @Erell Eventually they came to accept this. I do try and hide the bad days from them.

 

Some did understand that WD involved suffering  but not the medical reality of it. They are bewildered that I was on these meds.

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

is a presumptuous idea ! But the dream of making family, friends, people understand WD and the dangerousness of these meds helps me To hang on

 

Bah! It is not a presumptuous idea. It is a realistic goal. It is an attainable goal. It is trackable - you can see how you are doing. That being said - I don't know how to start - but you can find information online. You can publish an ibook to get you started and a sense of accomplishment. Even with your story to start with.

 

Today is the first 'good' day in several. A good one is in your future too.

 

[Erell]

@Rhiannon : thank you my dear, it is so Nice To know that people believe for me when I can't ❤

@Cocopuffz17 : thank you for your words ❤

@Guilietta : yes I work hard on writing, I'll let you know how it goes 😘

 

14 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Want to see no more than 5 for diary tomorrow with a couple of 3s for good measure.

No 3s ! But I hope they are coming...🤗

 

Diary Tuesday 3 December / day 70 on 10mg Paroxetine 

7am: woke up anxious, but less than usual 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Neck pain.

10.30am: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Tinnitus. Neck pain and headache.

12 : Periods start. Anxiéty: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5.

Legs pain. 

From 2.30pm To 5pm : thanks To low anxiéty, I went To work. It went Well!

Anxiety oscillated between 4 and 5.

7pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Legs pain and classical belly pain because of periods.

8.30pm: bedtime. Anxiéty: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 4.Tinnitus. 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, fall asleep around 11pm/11.30pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am, but still a bit less anxious. 

 

---》 Yesterday was a very décent day.

The association I work for had an Event all Afternoon, so I went there. I was anxious about it but it went Well, and people were Nice.

---》 quite amazed that only 2 days ago I was in such a dark place because of my periods coming 😮 Even if I don't believe in labels, I understand why people around me do : WD unlinearity utterly correspond To a bipolar définition!

---》 my sweet nights are back 😍 so Nice!

 

Well, let's hope for more decent days like this !

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

[rola]

hey  erell
Glad you went to work. I hope it felt good.
continues as follows 
have a good day 😘

[Giulietta]

Hi there!

 

Here's hoping for another nice day and a good night's sleep to look forward to.

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

The association I work for had an Event all Afternoon, so I went there. I was anxious about it but it went Well, and people were Nice.

 

Hoorah! I am glad you enjoyed it and - to no one's surprise - people were very happy to see you!

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

quite amazed that only 2 days ago I was in such a dark place because of my periods coming 😮 Even if I don't believe in labels, I understand why people around me do : WD unlinearity utterly correspond To a bipolar définition!

 

WD symptoms do have similarities to the definition of bipolar. @Gridley would you say?

 

I am glad you are taking some steps on your book. It seems like it is your or a passion and will helpe propel you forward into a bright future.

 

Hugs,

G

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Guilietta said:

WD symptoms do have similarities to the definition of bipolar. @Gridley would you say?

 

Yes, and psychiatrists love the bi-polar label.  No telling how many people in WD got labeled bi-polar and loaded up on more drugs.

[Sassenach]

8 hours ago, Erell said:

The association I work for had an Event all Afternoon, so I went there. I was anxious about it but it went Well, and people were Nice.

Hi Erell

 

How has today been?

 

People are nice, they just do not understand.

8 hours ago, Erell said:

quite amazed that only 2 days ago I was in such a dark place because of my periods coming

Now we know this we can remind you when the time comes.

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

Even if I don't believe in labels, I understand why people around me do : WD unlinearity utterly correspond To a bipolar définition!

Labels, W/D, all irrelevant in the big picture. You are a young woman who is getting better, everyone will recognise that in due course.

You have beaten Benzos, will beat this and be stronger for it.

 

Sass

 

[Erell]

1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

Hi Erell

 

How has today been?

 

Good evening dear Sass!

Well today was a mild day, but nothing extreme.

I tried To walk outside but all day I had a weird mix of anxiety/weakness/dizziness. Maybe my periods are tiring me.

Spent the day doing puzzle and listening to podcasts To wait for the end of it 😉

Since 5.30pm I have a mild wave of sadness,melancholia with intrusive thoughts about family and memories of childhood. 

Will see what tomorrow brings

 

At noon I took 250mg of evening primrose oil, so far I can't tell about any changes. I Will take this dose during 3-4days, see how it goes, and I'll slowly increase, and see during one month if it offers me some good changes.

(1000mg is the usual dose recommended). 

 

Thank you Sass for reminding me that I'll get better 😙

[Sassenach]

2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Maybe my periods are tiring me.

I think you just have to accept that during W/D you are very sensitive to hormonal changes.

Apologies if it sounds insensitive but as a older male difficult to relate.

Evening Primrose should be ok, I hope it helps.

Have a good evening.

[Erell]

2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

I think you just have to accept that during W/D you are very sensitive to hormonal changes.

Apologies if it sounds insensitive but as a older male difficult to relate.

Evening Primrose should be ok, I hope it helps.

Have a good evening.

Don't apologize dear Sass, you help me so much already in this process! ❤

Just another injustice in our patriarchal world 😉😄😄

Good evening To you, from a very cold Brittany!

[sunnysideup69]

Wow Erell, that is great news that you went to the event. Brilliant! I'm so glad.....things are improving. Have another sweet night xxx

[Patientflower]

On 10/30/2019 at 1:20 PM, Erell said:

Hello Sass !

Yes i've read Patientflower's post!

Méditation is not always easy with anxiety, but I won't give up ! I really think it can help, it is quite new so I have To keep trying

 

Depressed feelings were not easy Today, and it always lead me To doubts. 

I thank you for telling me that I'm not stabilized because it has been a strong worry all day. I dont know if I already knew it, this wave makes me doubt of the possibility of another window.

I'll keep on trying To fully believe it!

 

Wish you another beautiful starlit 😙

 

 

This is what I've been doing for meditation and it helps. The more I meditate, the more I can enjoy things like a starlit night like @Sassenach was mentioning!

 

There's a couple different methods I use and I try to aim for two 15 minute sessions a day. Sometimes I go longer than 15 minutes if it taking a long time to settle down my thoughts. I would say sometimes it takes me 10 minutes to settle my thoughts then I try to interruptedly meditate for 15 total if that makes sense!

 

The first method is clearing my mind and focusing on my breath. When I inhale and exhale I repeat "I am peaceful" or "I am love" to myself.

The second method is just clearing my mind. Trying not to think about anything at all. Just being present. That method has taken a lot of practice. When thoughts come up I just gently push them aside. Some thoughts though I'll observe and let playout. My mind, when it is calm, likes to take me to happy places, like a sunny day in my grandmother's backyard, or a stroll on the beach. I let those thoughts/memories come in and enjoy them when they come!

[Erell]

Good morning dears !

 

@sunnysideup69 : thank you 😊😊😊

@Patientflower : thank you for sharing your practice 🤗

 

Diary Wednesday 4 December / day 71 on 10mg Paroxetine - 10 weeks 

 

7am : woke up anxious, still lower than usual. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine  + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4    (😍)

10.30am: some sadness, intrusive thoughts about family and friends.

11.15am : back To flat after a 20minutes walk. Not easy because of a mix anxiety/weakness/dizziness/blurry vision.

12 : 250mg evening primrose oil. 

1pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5. Lot of dizziness. 

3.30pm: went To walk a bit, still dizziness. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

5.30pm: sadness, some despair intrusive thoughts that Will last 2 hours.

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4.

8.30pm : bedtime. Scores at 4.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am, anxiety still lower.

 

---》 still so glad and grateful with my sweet nights of sleep ❤

 

Wish you all a Nice day 

[Giulietta]

Hello @Erell

 

On 12/4/2019 at 12:46 PM, Sassenach said:

Labels, W/D, all irrelevant in the big picture. You are a young woman who is getting better, everyone will recognise that in due course.

 

This is so well-said. In the scheme of things - whether the symptoms are 'labeled' or referred to as WD - it doesn't matter. Whatever 'it' is - you are getting better day by day.

 

Just swinging by to let you know I am thinking of you.

 

G.

[Erell]

Thank you dear Guilietta for stopping by here 😙

 

Diary Thursday 5 December / day 72 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious, still lower than usual. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5

11am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4. Lot of Dizziness.

12 : 250mg evening primrose oil 

Still lot of dizziness.

2pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Dizziness. 

3pm: back To my flat after a 30 minutes walk. Really hard because of dizziness. Feel disconnected from the real world, and my life doesnt seem To be mine. 

5pm : still dizziness. Depressed feelings, sadness.

Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

8pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. 

 

Lights off at 10.20pm, Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

 

---》 lot of weird dizziness Yesterday. Had a bit less agoraphobia, but struggled To go outside because of it.

 

---》 struggling with a lot of doubts (about feeling "normal " or good one day, about being able To stabilise, about being on the right path, about living one day without agoraphobia)

 

---》 mourning about family and friends. Some rancor about family questionning me rather than support me against big pharma.

 

---》 Trying To not looking at the calendar but a bit anxious About it (Will I be able To spend Christmas with family ? Will I be able To go back To work in January?)

 

---》 Dreaming of 3's soon 🙃

 

 

Wish you all a Nice day ❤

(I'm sorry i'm not very supportive on others threads these days: I live with a lot of doubts and I don't wanna transmit them. Be sure I think of you)

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Nice that you went out for some fresh air and bright light, even though you were a bit dizzy.

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

lot of weird dizziness Yesterday.

 

I have this too somedays but it is harmless.  When it is too much  - meaning I am not able to be steady on my feet or walk - I just sit down and do something. Otherwise it is a nuisance thing that seems to be with us on some days and not on others.

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

struggling with a lot of doubts (about feeling "normal " or good one day, about being able To stabilise, about being on the right path, about living one day without agoraphobia)

 

Yes. You are quite in good company with these feelings but they will recede as we continue heal. This day have been 2 mostsly crummy days and 2 pretty good days. So I enjoy the good days. I am in a wave.

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

mourning about family and friends. Some rancor about family questionning me rather than support me against big pharma.

 

 

I had this experience too yesterday.  I think there is sadness and anger and lack of undenrstanding - yet plenty of criticism on how I managng my situation and my expeerience. Even though I feel their criticism as rejection - I like to think it is a way of showing love and concern for me. But they do not have the facts and live with this day in,day out, etc. We need be strong and hold to our paths and it is not easy to believe in ourselves.

 

Hugs,

G.

 

 

[Erell]

Hi dear Guilietta, 

 

I'm happy To read that you have some good days

Yes we need To be strong. You sound like a very strong woman, i'm blessed To have your support!

Big hugs, hope your wave Will end soon ❤

 

 

---》 I have some mournings, and as I don't talk with anyone during my days, I Feel The need To express it. Sorry in advance, I Will complain a bit... Of course you don't need To answer To this. It just give me the feeling that I can interact a bit and tell someone how I Feel (without having everybody telling me : get on more meds, or you should do more efforts).

 

Well, my baseline improved as I live days with 4/5 scores. As Sassenach told me, baseline improvements is a good sign in a stabilisation process. So I shouldnt complain.

However, I Feel like my strenght and hope are out of stock.

 

Since early September, my days have the same schedule : I woke up anxious, then spend time in bed trying To convince myself that I Will make it through the day. I practice meditation, read a bit. I force myself to eat breakfast, To put some clothes, when I find more courage I take a shower. At noon I force myself Again To eat. Then start the long afternoon. I try To go outside, To distract (puzzles,sudoku, films, books..). I practice Again some meditation. 

On the evening I force myself Again To eat,  try To distract until 8pm, then go To bed. In my bed I read and listen To relaxing music, and take a time To focus on positive thing of the day. I put lights off and Feel the need To not wake up next morning. And then another day beggin, with the exact same schedule.

 

Of course there have been improvments, and some days I managed To do a bit more. I also have good night of sleep.

 

But I don't live, I just force myself To try To live and wait for the end of the day.

And everyday the same long day start with anxiety and depressed feelings. 

 

I don't really have relationships and can spend a week without interaction. If I have an interaction, it is the owner of the grocery,  or with a familymember or a friend that tells me sad things.

 

Well, I can tell that I don't see the point of my life : waiting since 3 months for the day To end, without the ability To Feel pleasure or joy. How To find the impetus To keep on going through days ? How To keep on getting up every morning ?

 

I know we all suffer here, and I know that there are people who suffer more, so I won't tell that my situation is the worst one.

I just don't know how To find new stock of patience or strenght. 

 

Well, this is not a very positive picture. Sorry, I just Feel so tired with this endlessly repetitive daily cycle.

 

 

Wish you all a better day ❤

[Sassenach]

Hope you feel better for getting that off your chest🤗

Try looking back over your repetitive week and see no two days were really the same.

Your hormones are still raging.

We have a expression in UK.

Women, can't live with them, can't live without them.

You are still improving and will be writing that book again soon.

17 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well, my baseline improved as I live days with 4/5 scores. As Sassenach told me, baseline improvements is a good sign in a stabilisation process. So I shouldnt complain.

However, I Feel like my strenght and hope are out of stock.

It is, you shouldn't and they are not.

Remember.

How was today? Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow.🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hello dear Sass !

 

Well today was a '5' day, less dizziness but more tears...jamais peinards ! As we say in French 😉

 

15 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Hope you feel better for getting that off your chest🤗

 

Well, I don't Feel proud for complaining...

But as I haven't spoke since Tuesday, I needed To express (better than speak To my radio ). I sometimes fear for going crazy by living only in my head. 

 

15 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Try looking back over your repetitive week and see no two days were really the same.

Yes, in terms of symptoms there are oscillations. But in terms of how the days unfold I Feel like if I live the same day since 3 months, with some oscillations, but the same absence of pleasure and the same waiting for the day To end. 

I hope i'll soon be able To Feel more pleasure or more confidence 🙄

 

Well it seems that i'm a plaintive person this evening, should probably go To bed.

 

Wish you a delightful evening Sass.

[Rhiannon]

Erell, I know it's frustrating. But think how it would be if you had a brain injury from a bad fall, from a concussion. You would be more patient and understanding with yourself.

 

Your brain is healing. Even a broken bone doesn't heal overnight, and our bones know how to heal because evolution has encountered broken bones before. But these chemicals are something evolution has never encountered before. So our brains don't really have efficient mechanisms for healing. 

 

The process is not efficient. It takes time. But I assure you, I have seen many people heal, and over time everyone improves, although it often takes much longer than they had planned.

 

My suggestions:  Be patient with yourself. Do as much as you can. A few times a week do something that you feel that you cannot do.  (We can almost always do more than we feel is possible.) The rest of the time nurture yourself and do what feels safe. I find this balance is the best for growth, for me.

 

Keep walking, keep doing exercises that alternate the sides of your body. There is some evidence this is helpful for neurological healing.

 

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. I'm glad you have a place you can do that.