Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Sassenach]

Evening Erell

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

despair  : 3-4.

Almost three!

How has today been?

When did your period end?

7 hours ago, Erell said:

Put music on, dancing and smiling : it Felt like my old self in terms of mood ( always loved To dance in my living room 😊).

Can't tell if it is evening primrose oil, a placebo effect, or just good mood.

I would have paid to see that

Does not matter if it is Placebo effect if it helps.

 

Sass

[Erell]

@mustafa : thank you for the music you sent me 😊 didn't dance today but Will tell you when 😉

@Sunnyday i'm so grateful for you sharing your expérience with me! Thank you so much! ❤

 

@Sassenach : good evening!

Well,  morning started with a High cortisol Spike so I thought a deeper wave was starting. But anxiety and restlessness then lowered To my usual 4/5 and i've been in a good mood all day! Had some dizziness but nothing extreme. 

As you said, even if it is placebo,  evening primrose oil seems To help 😊

My periods end between Saturday and Sunday. So obviously I have To remember that my cycles Will be harder during WD and try To not let me fall in despair next time (hard To believe it is the same person who was so desperate one week ago! WD really is a strong beast.).

 

How are you doing dear Sass?

 

 

[Sassenach]

1 minute ago, Erell said:

try To not let me fall in despair next time

We know now so we will remind you😁

I assume you will have checked around for any tips to help!

[Erell]

Just now, Sassenach said:

I assume you will have checked around for any tips to help!

Sass can you explain? I understand the words but I don't understand the meaning of the all sentence.

(Of course no problem if you don't have the time, nothing important )

 

[Sassenach]

Have you checked this site and others to find if anyone has tips to help with hormonal issues in W/D?

 

[Erell]

On 12/2/2019 at 12:40 PM, Erell said:

Hello Again 

 

So, i've been reading a lot on SA :

 

- having troubles with menstrual cycles during WD is very common. And everything is possible ! Some women suffer more during ovulation, others during PMS. Women has the same pattern every cycle, others notice that it is very different from a month To another. ...

 

- some says that they have every symptôms (acne, pelvic area cramps, mood swing...) but don't have their periods everytime. So it is possible that even if I had all signs last week I may not have my periods this time.

 

- as GiaK says in a topic : she doesnt "recommend people in active WD mess with hormones at all" , so it seems that there is not much To do about it.

 

- however, one supplement in particular seems To be interesting : i've read some women taking evening primrose oil and having good effects on their mood during PMS. 

Others tried and didn't notice any effect. 

I haven't found testimonies on evening primrose oil having worsening effect.

So i'm considering To give it a try at low dose. I have To think about it, i'm always worried about making things worse.

 

Here is for my researches

 

Thank you Again To all of you for your support! ❤

 

 

Being a woman and in WD...what a mess!

 

Yes I have read a lot on SA, and no surprise : a lot of women struggle with hormonal changes during WD (main symptoms : rage/anger and deep despair).

 

Again, no surprise, there are no specific tips : except acceptance, there is not much To do

 

Good news is that women says that, as other symptoms, as they heal their cycles become more normal. 

[Sassenach]

3 minutes ago, Erell said:

ood news is that women says that, as other symptoms, as they heal their cycles become more normal. 

If you become "normal", not sure how I will cope with you😲

[Giulietta]

23 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

I think it was for working with other kinds of brain injury, maybe strokes.

 

There is a book about an MD who taught his father to heal from a stroke - which he was toldl he would never recover from. I can't recall titleor author. If I recall, he taught his father the skills from the ground up - similar to how a child develops skills.

 

Things that are said to be good for developing the brain/enhancing our cognitive abilitie may be worth looking into - for example - learning a musical instrument if you have any access to one or itnerest - even listening - to classicalmusic. Another thing is learning a foreign language (which you are in the process of and doing a fine job. )

 

23 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

As for trying things that feel big or hard from time to time

 

Challenging ourselves and moving from our comfort zones is how we grow - between developing connections in our brain (for one example) and conditioning us emotionally that we can do a thing - building confidence in ourselves and abilities. That being said, depending on where we are in recovery and whether in a window or wave - might govern how much we try things outside our comfort zones.

 

23 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

It would be great to hear what other people think about this and what has worked for them, as far as whether they feel like pushing back against the agoraphobia once in a while has been helpful, or not.

 

 

Really good question. 

One thing I have observed andn I have noticed in @Erell ' s posts - is that some days I feel fine / OK or want  to go out. I don't know why this is - maybe like other WD symptoms? They are sporadic?  Others I don't and so I stay in. It is not a fear that I would say  - but maybe subsconscious fear.  The day starts off with I'm going to go 'x' to be around other people and get out. This doesn' end up happening. I would rather stay home with the dogs.

 

What has worked for me? This is kind of long and rambling. Sorry @Erell about all this on your page.

• Having a conversation with myself when I am anxious about going out.  I ask what I am afraid of. Why do I not feel safe. I repeatedly rationalize (even though I am still anxious) why I am doing something. 
• Do I really want to go? I think the agoraphobia is an emotional reaction to the gut negative response - that I don't want to do something even though I should or it might be positive for me in the long run.
• What helps is going early in the day. Our will power is strongest in the morning (so I exercise then or do more unappealing or stressful tasks then). I don't usually go out after 1 pm.  So even for an event at 3 pm I leave early and wait.
• Make it fun by telling myself I am going tno enjoy listening nto music in the car.
• Let others know I am having agoraphobic tendencies so when I feel like going out - I know I have to go someplace and get positive reinforcement.
• Maybe once I get going I may be OK. I can turn around and can go home as I have control. I avoid public transport.
• Know what triggers my fear and minimze the risk. Bring my meds, food, water. Ensure sure I am prepared. (have a paper map and the GPS and know where I am going and a phone number). I know where I am going to park.
• I remind myself that I don't want to submit to the agoraphobia. I don't want to reinforce this. I try to muscle through it when I can.
• Try to make a compromise - go to a local store (15 minutes away) instead of a mall 45 minutes away. Yesterday going out today seemed like a good idea. Today there are a lot of 'excuses' or 'reasons' not to go (the weather for one).
• If it is too stressful I don't go out.

@Rhiannon whether they feel like pushing back against the agoraphobia once in a while has been helpful, or not.

Yes, I learn I can get out and be safe. Even if I didn't enjoy being out - it may be that I didn't like where I was, the people who were there, etc. - I feel good about myself AND glad to be home.

 

10 hours ago, Erell said:

I force myself To go outside almost everyday and try To not Feel guilty when it is too hard.

 

Me too. And relax when it feels too hard. Making it a stressful experience isn't always a good thing.

I just stop thinking/worry about it. I tell myself that I will go out tomorrow and relax about it. It is just 'I don't feel like going out.'

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

 

Edited December 9, 2019 by Guilietta
Correction

[Giulietta]

@Erell I am so glad to see you have much lower numbers! And that you feel like dancing. Have you heard the expression, 'Dance Like No One's Watching'? Well, I think it's funny even if one is a good dancer.

 

 

[Erell]

@Guilietta : thank you dear friend for sharing your view with Me! ❤

I have trouble focusing on an answer To this in English, i'll try later

 

Diary Monday 9 December/ day 76 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up anxious (anxiety Feels higher than previous days)

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness : 5 / despair: 4.

11am : back To flat after a 20 minutes walk. Dizziness.

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

12 : 750mg Evening primrose oil. 

1pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 3.

Then forced myself  To do some foodshop.

4pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3. (😍)

Went To a 30minutes walk.

6pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

8pm : bedtime. Despair : 0 ??? ( have some doubts with intrusive thoughts but no sadness at all)!.

Anxiéty: 4 / restlessness: 4.

 

Lights off at 10.15pm. Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am.

 

Wish you all a Nice day from a stormy windy Brittany ❤

[sunnysideup69]

This diary looks good @Erell! So pleased for you xxx

[Erell]

1 hour ago, sunnysideup69 said:

This diary looks good @Erell! So pleased for you xxx

Yes it is !

I still Feel like there is a wall between me and my 'normal ' self, but I think this wall is getting thinner...hopefully it Will be as thin as a piece of paper one day

 

Big hugs ❤

[Cocopuffz17]

Just now, Erell said:

Yes it is !

I still Feel like there is a wall between me and my 'normal ' self, but I think this wall is getting thinner...hopefully it Will be as thin as a piece of paper one day

 

Big hugs ❤

Great news! It will! Keep at it! So pumped for you!! 

[sunnysideup69]

56 minutes ago, Erell said:

Yes it is !

I still Feel like there is a wall between me and my 'normal ' self, but I think this wall is getting thinner...hopefully it Will be as thin as a piece of paper one day

 

Big hugs ❤

 

It will be! I know what you mean, some days, I almost feel there, because I don't think too much about symptoms all day. It's like there's that last little bit to push through. It's coming for you.....xxx

[Erell]

@Cocopuffz17 and @sunnysideup69 : thank you ❤

 

Diary Tuesday 10 December/ day 77 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am: woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4 

11am : back To flat after walk in town.

Some dizziness. 

anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

12.20 : 1000mg Evening primrose oil 

From 2pm To 3pm : went To walk in town...then in a démonstration..! 

5pm : Feel tense. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

8pm : bedtime. Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

head in a vise. 

lots of intrusive thoughts, doubts.

10pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

 

Lights off at 22.30pm, Fall asleep around 11pm. Sweet night. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am.

 

---》 Yesterday Afternoon I went in town To walk. But, I had forgotten that it was a day of démonstrations in France...When I crossed the road of the protesters I thought : "well, that is a good exercice for my agoraphobia " and I joined the démonstration (not my best idea, I know...😏).

Well, between all the people, the noise, the shouting, the smoke projectiles and the firecrackers...I ended up in a very anxious state and just ran To my flat!

No need To say I then spent a quite tense Afternoon! Fortunately I went gradually back To my WD  normal from 5pm.

Obviously, too early days for the revolution 😅

 

Well, I'm gonna spend a way more quiet Afternoon today

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[Giulietta]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

When I crossed the road of the protesters I thought : "well, that is a good exercice for my agoraphobia " and I joined the démonstration (not my best idea, I know...😏).

Well, between all the people, the noise, the shouting, the smoke projectiles and the firecrackers...I ended up in a very anxious state and just ran To my flat!

 

Good for you! You learned you can get out amongst strangers in a noisy placle and be safe ! It is a step towards healing, sweetie. I hope you feel great about yourself - this is an achievement.  

 

You are less anxious too I see - a nice well deserved window.

 

Thank you for your cheery support, too. I really appreciate it. You are a dear.

 

Hugs

Giulietta

[Erell]

18 hours ago, Guilietta said:

 

Good for you! You learned you can get out amongst strangers in a noisy placle and be safe ! It is a step towards healing, sweetie. I hope you feel great about yourself - 

 

Well actually it was quite awful, too much triggers in one time

 

Diary Wednesday 11 December/ day 78 on 10mg Paroxetine = 11 weeks. 

 

7am woke up anxious, but really lower.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3. Less agoraphobia. 

From 9.30am To 12.30 : went To work. Went Well despite anxiety.

quick Spikes of anxiéty at 5 / 6.

1pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

All Afternoon: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

All evening: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am.

 

---》 I didn't mention despair on thé evening log : I was feeling blah,  but it Felt like a "normal blah ". When I mention despair as a symptom it means : intrusive thoughts,  strong feelings i'll never Feel good, strong depressed feelings.

Yesterday evening I was not happy, but it Felt normal, not WD. 

It doesnt mean I felt joy, but it looks like a very good sign To just Feel so-so like a "normal " person could Feel !  😉

 

---》 me and my boss agreed on the fact that I can go at work whenever I want. I can't do much as I'm prescribed off, but it is a way for me To socialize Again.

 

Well Yesterday was a very décent day! Let's hope it Will go on 😍

 

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[rola]

contente pour toi erell ,la prochaine étape c 'est le coiffeur 😘

happy for you erell ,the next step is the hairdresser 😘

[Cocopuffz17]

Woohoo! The decent days will continue and soon turn into good days, followed by great days! 

[mustafa]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

It doesnt mean I felt joy, but it looks like a very good sign To just Feel so-so like a "normal " person could Feel !  😉

This is very good and i can judge you mean exactly what you wrote, i think this normal and confident feeling is better than to feel joy, right?

It is good you agreed with your boss

Have a nice day ❤️.

[Subzero42]

7 hours ago, Erell said:

 

Well actually it was quite awful, too much triggers in one time

 

Diary Wednesday 11 December/ day 78 on 10mg Paroxetine = 11 weeks. 

 

7am woke up anxious, but really lower.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3. Less agoraphobia. 

From 9.30am To 12.30 : went To work. Went Well despite anxiety.

quick Spikes of anxiéty at 5 / 6.

1pm : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

All Afternoon: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

All evening: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am.

 

---》 I didn't mention despair on thé evening log : I was feeling blah,  but it Felt like a "normal blah ". When I mention despair as a symptom it means : intrusive thoughts,  strong feelings i'll never Feel good, strong depressed feelings.

Yesterday evening I was not happy, but it Felt normal, not WD. 

It doesnt mean I felt joy, but it looks like a very good sign To just Feel so-so like a "normal " person could Feel !  😉

 

---》 me and my boss agreed on the fact that I can go at work whenever I want. I can't do much as I'm prescribed off, but it is a way for me To socialize Again.

 

Well Yesterday was a very décent day! Let's hope it Will go on 😍

 

 

Big hugs To all ❤

 

Bonjour Erell, 

 

Comment expliques tu le fait que malgré ton sevrage extrêmement progressif de la paroxétine, les choses se soient mal passées ? Sur ce forum il est généralement conseillé de diminuer la dose de 10% tous les 30 jours et il semblerait que tu aies plus que suivi cette directive. C’est la raison pour laquelle je m’inquiète.

 

Bon rétablissement à toi en revanche

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

Thanks for post to Phoenix, just right so saved me time.

Don't want to jinx you so just really happy for you, faith repaid.

Glad to see you posting and helping others.

As for work, I told you people are mostly nice, just do not like what we do not understand.

As they see you improving you can educate them.

 

Happy for you

 

Sass

[Erell]

@mustafa : well joy would be great To Feel, but yes feeling close To "normality" is wonderful ❤ 

 

@Subzero42 : je n'ai pas d'explications concernant mon crash au mois d'août malgré le fait que je ne fasse des baisses que de 3% tous les 15jours.

Je sais seulement que j'aurais dû laisser passer la vague de symptômes et ne pas toucher à mes doses ni prendre plein de compléments. 

Mon cerveau était certainement arrivé à un stade où il avait pas mal de réparation à faire pour retrouver une homéostasie, et au lieu de le laisser faire je l'ai déstabilisé encore plus.

La règle des 10% n'est pas une règle universelle : certains doivent aller beaucoup plus lentement, et ça semble être mon cas. Lorsque je reprendrai mon sevrage je pense faire 2 ou 3% de baisse mais tous les 1 ou 2 mois.

De plus, mon histoire semble assez commune: même en baissant lentement il peut y avoir des vagues de symptômes. C'est le système nerveux qui travaille pour s'adapter 

As-tu lu le topic sur le schéma des vagues et fenêtres?

Ne t'inquiète pas  : peu importe le temps que cela prendra, notre objectif est d'être libres, et nous atteignerons cet objectif Pendant 1 an et demi, j'ai baissé sans que cela n'affecte ma vie quotidienne, donc c'est tout à fait possible

 

(I don't have an explanation about the fact that I crashed late August despite the fact that I was decreasing my dose at 3% every 15days.

Only thing I know now is that I should have let the wave of symptoms pass, and I shouldnt have touched at my dose and all the suppléments.

My brain probably reached a point where he had a lot of work To do To find homeostasy,  and instead of letting him do his job I déstabilised it further.

The 10% Rule is not an universal Rule: some have To go slower, and it seems it is my case. When i'll taper Again, I think I Will decrease by 2 or 3 % but every one or two months.

My story seems To be pretty common : even with a slow taper, waves of symptoms can happen. It is the CNS trying To adapt

have you read the topic about waves and Windows pattern?

don't worry: no matter how long it Will take, our goal is To be free, and we Will reach this goal

During one year and a half I tappered without effect on my daily life, so it is possible  )

 

 

@Sassenach : yes you mods seem To be really busy these days!

Thank you for stopping by here 😉

People don't know about WD at work

I'm happy too,  thank you so much Sass, you helped me To make this possible! ❤

[Subzero42]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

@mustafa : well joy would be great To Feel, but yes feeling close To "normality" is wonderful ❤ 

 

@Subzero42 : je n'ai pas d'explications concernant mon crash au mois d'août malgré le fait que je ne fasse des baisses que de 3% tous les 15jours.

Je sais seulement que j'aurais dû laisser passer la vague de symptômes et ne pas toucher à mes doses ni prendre plein de compléments. 

Mon cerveau était certainement arrivé à un stade où il avait pas mal de réparation à faire pour retrouver une homéostasie, et au lieu de le laisser faire je l'ai déstabilisé encore plus.

La règle des 10% n'est pas une règle universelle : certains doivent aller beaucoup plus lentement, et ça semble être mon cas. Lorsque je reprendrai mon sevrage je pense faire 2 ou 3% de baisse mais tous les 1 ou 2 mois.

De plus, mon histoire semble assez commune: même en baissant lentement il peut y avoir des vagues de symptômes. C'est le système nerveux qui travaille pour s'adapter 

As-tu lu le topic sur le schéma des vagues et fenêtres?

Ne t'inquiète pas  : peu importe le temps que cela prendra, notre objectif est d'être libres, et nous atteignerons cet objectif Pendant 1 an et demi, j'ai baissé sans que cela n'affecte ma vie quotidienne, donc c'est tout à fait possible

 

(I don't have an explanation about the fact that I crashed late August despite the fact that I was decreasing my dose at 3% every 15days.

Only thing I know now is that I should have let the wave of symptoms pass, and I shouldnt have touched at my dose and all the suppléments.

My brain probably reached a point where he had a lot of work To do To find homeostasy,  and instead of letting him do his job I déstabilised it further.

The 10% Rule is not an universal Rule: some have To go slower, and it seems it is my case. When i'll taper Again, I think I Will decrease by 2 or 3 % but every one or two months.

My story seems To be pretty common : even with a slow taper, waves of symptoms can happen. It is the CNS trying To adapt

have you read the topic about waves and Windows pattern?

don't worry: no matter how long it Will take, our goal is To be free, and we Will reach this goal

During one year and a half I tappered without effect on my daily life, so it is possible  )

 

 

@Sassenach : yes you mods seem To be really busy these days!

Thank you for stopping by here 😉

People don't know about WD at work

I'm happy too,  thank you so much Sass, you helped me To make this possible! ❤

 

Tu as traduis ton message toi même ou tu utilises un traducteur ?

Tu peux me dire si tu préfères écrire en Anglais ou en Français sachant que n'étant pas bilingue, j'aurais du mal à exprimer ma pensée avec autant de nuances qu'en Français, mais en même temps il faut que ceux qui lisent le fil puissent comprendre..

 

En ce qui me concerne j'hésite à tenter une nouvelle fois le sevrage de la venlafaxine, car quand je vois que même une diminution très progressive ne dispense pas de symptômes de sevrage, je me demande si une fois stabilisé je ne devrais pas rester sous AD à vie, j'aimerais bien vivre sans médicaments mais si cela implique de revivre l'enfer une fois de plus...

[Giulietta]

10 hours ago, Erell said:

Well actually it was quite awful, too much triggers in one time

 

Sorry if I didn't express myself well. 😕  I understand it was a very  anxiety-provoking situation - and too much pushing yourself. However  I thought that perhaps your brain healed a bit by learning you could manage  being inthat environment even if it was hard.

 

Hugs,

G.

[Erell]

Don't be sorry my dear @Guilietta 😙

 

Diary Thursday 12  December/ day 79 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

Felt disconnected all day.

7am : woke up anxious but very tolerable 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness : 4 / despair: 3. It Will be the same all morning.

12.20 : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

3pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Some depressed feelings. 

Then went To a 30 minutes walk, and did some foodshop. Very glad because even in the store, anxiety stayed at 4 😍

8pm : bedtime. Anxiéty: 4 / restlessness: 4. Don't think i'm having despair, just some doubts and fear about next taper.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, Fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up during the night but felt ok. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am.

 

Wish you all a pleasant day ❤

[sunnysideup69]

Hello @Erell, this diary above looks great! Am so glad! It's really good to see your anxiety decreasing, gradually. And that also, in the store, your anxiety stayed at tolerable levels...this is progress xxx

Thank you also for your kind message, yes, am going through a bit of a bad wave at the moment. Feeling quite scared today, but also acknowledging that I pushed myself a bit this week e.g. social dinner on Tuesday, stayed at work on Wednesday when feeling super anxious. I just get frustrated with the 'forwards and backwards' progress of stabilisation....so, thank you for reminding me

 

I think it's great that you are sleeping. It makes a huge difference to recovery. And that you are getting out. Gonna take myself out for a walk in a moment, I need it. Do you find living alone tough in WD? I sometimes do.

Ruth xxx

[Erell]

Hi dear Sunny,

 

Thank you for noticing it : yes this week I felt Nice improvments! 

As you know, everyday is different...and today is a bit harder : anxiety, lot of dizziness, some depressed feelings and unpleasant feelings in the brain. 

So I utterly understand you : here I am, back in fearfull doubts ( Will I really stabilise,  Will I really Feel good one day, am I condemned To suffer, when Will my friends and family stop loving me for good...blah blah blah...)

 

I think mindfullness practice helps me To laugh a bit about all these doubts. Can't say its easy, but I manage more and more To see this doubts as WD intrusive thoughts, and I believe them a bit less. 

 

Big hugs ❤

[sunnysideup69]

10 minutes ago, Erell said:

Hi dear Sunny,

 

Thank you for noticing it : yes this week I felt Nice improvments! 

As you know, everyday is different...and today is a bit harder : anxiety, lot of dizziness, some depressed feelings and unpleasant feelings in the brain. 

So I utterly understand you : here I am, back in fearfull doubts ( Will I really stabilise,  Will I really Feel good one day, am I condemned To suffer, when Will my friends and family stop loving me for good...blah blah blah...)

 

I think mindfullness practice helps me To laugh a bit about all these doubts. Can't say its easy, but I manage more and more To see this doubts as WD intrusive thoughts, and I believe them a bit less. 

 

Big hugs ❤

 

Yes, recognise ALL of those thoughts, I have the same. Your improvements this week were amazing and they still count  This is a tough battle to fight and I am so grateful for people here. Sending you encouragement and a hug ❤️

 

[Erell]

Good morning!

 

Diary Friday 13 Décembre/ day 80 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am: woke up anxious 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9.30 am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4 . Tinnitus. 

11am : lot of dizziness.  Anxiéty: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4

12.30 : 1000mg evening primrose oil.  Strong Tinnitus. 

1.30pm: Feel weird. Back and legs pain. Internal tremors. 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

Went To a 30 minutes walk outside.

3pm : lot of dizziness and unpleasant feelings in the brain. 

Anxiety: 5 / despair: 5 / restlessness: 4.

Feel highly disconnected. 

5pm : depressed feelings. Despair : 5/ restlessness: 5 / anxiety : 5.

8pm : bedtime. Some depressed feelings.  Highly disconnected.

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, Fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 6am. 

 

---》 Yesterday was harder, but nothing extreme. Spent the day on my couch. 

 

---》 This morning I Feel really anxious : my parents told me Yesterday evening that they are coming today.

on one hand I'm glad, on the other hand I Feel highly anxious about it.

 

hugs To all ❤

[sunnysideup69]

@Erell, good morning. A blippy day for you yesterday, also for me, oh the ups and downs of recovery. I also spent most of the day on my couch.

 

We are healing, we are getting there. You've made some really great improvements this week, which are 'money in the bank.' Excellent!

Not surprised you have anxiety around your parents coming. However, maybe it will go better than expected.

Gently, I want to ask you....do you want to see them? The answer to that is probably complex, both yes and no. Do you feel able to assert boundaries with your parents?

Also, I want to remind you that their 'diagnosis' of what is happening to you is incorrect. You are not bipolar, you are in WD. As a psychotherapy graduate who had to work with psychiatrists for a part of my training, I know how much that diagnosis gets thrown around, based on absolutely no evidence. My dad was once diagnosed as a 'manic depressive' and 'treatment resistant'.....after years of having different psychiatric drugs foisted upon him. He was suffering the same as us, WD.

Sending you strength, peace and love, will be thinking of you today ❤️

[rola]

greeting erell 
as I understand you, I have my daughters this weekend. You know, I was happy to see them.
but I didn't want her to come because I'm not well.
but believe me, it feels good. If it wasn't last night, I wouldn't have gone out
you'll see you'll have a good day with them 
I kiss you 😘

[Giulietta]

Dear Erell,

 

Good to see you have had a pretty good week!  See you are getting better even thouogh we are hitting bumps and have to have quiet days on the couch.

 

I hope you will enjoy your visit with your parents. @sunnysideup69 raised some excellent points.

 

10 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

do you want to see them? The answer to that is probably complex, both yes and no. Do you feel able to assert boundaries with your parents?

 

This is $64,000 question. It does have a complex answer and asserting boundaries may be easier with some things than others I think. I find that they may raise questions - that may cause me to doubt myself and I have more anxiety and ruminating. It is hard for me to stay on the path.

 

10 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Also, I want to remind you that their 'diagnosis' of what is happening to you is incorrect. You are not bipolar, you are in WD

 

Do remembe this - before, during and after their visit.  If they raise the subject of your health - and they no doubt will - can you change the subject? Indicate that you want to have a pleasant, low key visit and not talk about health issues?

 

9 hours ago, rola said:

you'll see you'll have a good day with them 

 

I agree! What a happy thought.

 

Look forward to hering about your day.

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

 

[sunnysideup69]

Thank you dear @Erell, hope your day was okay and that parents visit went well, was thinking of you xxx

[Erell]

On 12/14/2019 at 7:18 AM, sunnysideup69 said:

 

Gently, I want to ask you....do you want to see them? The answer to that is probably complex, both yes and no. Do you feel able to assert boundaries with your parents?

 

Honestly, yes I always want To see them. We have a great relationship and love To spend time Talking and laughing together. 

Its just that WD put a wall between us : because we don't understand each other anymore.

 

So yes I want To see them, but it always stress me To see people these days.

 

Actually, Yesterday was a great day ! Had a lot of anxiety, but we spent a really Nice day together and laughed a lot 😊 i'm exhausted now because we did too much, but it worth it ! ❤

And they had one wonderful sentence : "who cares about Christmas? Do only what you want To do" ❤

So, even if they think i'm a bipolar, I just wanna keep the fact that they love me. 

 

@sunnysideup69, @rola and @Guilietta : thank you so much for your support ❤

[Erell]

Diary Saturday 14 December/ day 81 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6am : woke up anxious, obsessed by the fact that parents are coming. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

10am : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

Parents arrived and we did a lot : bookstore, restaurant, walk on the seaside, wandered in town,...

Anxiety and restlessness oscillated between 4 and 5 all day, with some Spikes while I just wanted To run To my flat. But I didn't. 

5pm : parents leave, i'm utterly exhausted ! 

7pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

go To bed.

 

Lights off at 9.30pm, fall asleep around 10.30pm. Woke up anxious at 5am, then back To sleep until 7.30am.

 

 

--》 we spent the day outside, I didn't think I would be able To..but I did it 😍

It was a really Nice day : anxiety was there but I managed To keep it in the background. We definitely did too much, i'm exhausted today, but it so much worth it ! I felt happy sometimes Yesterday, and this is the only thing that matter ❤ 

Gonna rest a lot today 😉