Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[sunnysideup69]

Wonderful @Erell, well done, you conquered the fears. I'm delighted for you xxx

[rola]

cool erell 
I'm glad. Besides, you did several things at once. 
Rest well today 
kisses 😘

[Sassenach]

Good evening.

 

So glad you enjoyed the day with your mum and dad.

9 hours ago, Erell said:

Gonna rest a lot today 😉

For someone resting you have had a very busy day on here

The diary is getting shorter so less ups and downs.

Sass

[Erell]

17 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

For someone resting you have had a very busy day on here

 

Haha, yes but from my couch 😊

 

17 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

The diary is getting shorter so less ups and downs.

Yes less ups and downs, and less strong intrusive thoughts that I "absolutely need to tell on SA or they will not understand what I mean " 😄

 

I'm so glad Sass ! I don't Feel normal and still struggle with symptoms .But I can Feel that the wall between me and my old self is really getting thinner 😍

Thank you Sass you help me so much!

[Sassenach]

The best gratitude, you are helping others.😇🤗

[Giulietta]

 Coucou Erell,

 

What an happy note from the visit with your parents! It sounds like you had a wonderful day, had a lot of activities and managed well for several hours. No wonder you were exhausted and bit anxious at the end of the day.

 

12 hours ago, Erell said:

we spent the day outside, I didn't think I would be able To..but I did it 😍

 

This a big step toward conquering your fears. You learn you can do these things eventhogh they are difficult. Gradually they will become easier to do wtihout anxiety.

 

13 hours ago, Erell said:

laughed a lot

 

Laughter is the best medicine!

 

13 hours ago, Erell said:

So, even if they think i'm a bipolar, I just wanna keep the fact that they love me. 

 

That they love you is all that matters. Even if you are bipolar it doesn't make a difference.

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

[Erell]

Good morning.

 

Diary Sunday 15 December/ day 82 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

5am : woke up then back To sleep, woke up Again with alarm at 7.30am. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : Feel tired, like if I had a party all night. Anxiéty: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

12 : 1000mg evening primrose oil 

3pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3.

Went To a 30minutes walk outside.

5pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4

7.40pm : going To bed, tired. Intrusive thoughts, doubts.

anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 5.

10pm: anxiety ramp up a bit, Feel very agitated. Everytime I close my eyes, I woke up highly anxious. 

 

Finally Fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 7am. 

 

---》 not feeling very Well this morning,  some depressed feelings (life seems meaningless), and strong intrusive thoughts about being stuck in anxiety and agoraphobia forever. 

 

Good day To all ❤

[sunnysideup69]

@Erell, hello my lovely...most likely a reaction to Saturday, don't you think? You did have a 'party all night' in terms of energy expenditure on Saturday, with your parents. But it sounds like it was worth it. Sending hugs. This will settle again xxx you just need to rest xxx

[Erell]

1 hour ago, sunnysideup69 said:

 most likely a reaction to Saturday, don't you think? 

Well who knows ? WD wobbling

Bit disappointed because I wanna go back To work in January so I'll have To deal with 'normal days'. We'll see 🙃

 

Yesterday evening while anxiety ramped up I told my brain "if you want To start a big wave To make final adjustments and Feel normal after, let's do this,  you have my autorisation " ! 😇

My brain didn't listen To me but its probably best, I would not be very chatty today if he had and would rather complain 

 

Big hugs 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Try to have some positive thoughts - maybe that will help relieve some of the unhappiness and anxiety you have now.  I am trying this approach and hope that it helps.

 

@sunnysideup69 makes a good point - Saturday may have been tiring - and tiring impacts how your brain and body recover. @sunnysideup69 - @Sassenach what do you think? I do think it was very positive to  have a nice day with your parents - you had fun - and at the end of the day to know they love you unconditionally. How lucky you are.

 

Even when I don't have physical symptoms - my afternoons and mornings (and evenings less often) are like yours, with not feeling myself, fatigue, etc. thrown into the mix.  The intrusive thoughts and doubts you mentioned  come and go too. 

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

not feeling very Well this morning,  some depressed feelings (life seems meaningless), and strong intrusive thoughts about being stuck in anxiety and agoraphobia forever. 

 

Me too. This is a morning of despair, sadness and anger about this. But I also tell myself - repeatedly every day -  that there are many bright things to look forward to and to contribute to others.  I sadly question life's meaning too - but I know I am here for a reason and going through WD isn't it! Same for you.

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Bit disappointed because I wanna go back To work in January so I'll have To deal with 'normal days'.

 

Are there ways you could compensate so you could do some work in January? I know you are a carer so in your current role you need to be with others. Do you think perhaps you could do some other type of work for your employer from home part-time? 

 

2 hours ago, Erell said:

but its probably best, I would not be very chatty today

 

I understand.

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

[Erell]

@Guilietta : no there is no way I can do my job from home: my job is To be with people. We'll see what I Will be able To do in January 

 

Diary Monday 16 December/ day 83 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

Slight anxious sleep in the morning.

7.30am : 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Some depressed feelings. 

All day it Will be the same : scores at 4 and depressed feelings. 

12 : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

4pm : back home after some Christmas gifts shopping. Not easy but I forced myself.

8.30pm: bedtime. Lights off at 10pm, Fall asleep around 10.30pm. 

Some waking up during the night but went back To sleep. 

 

 

---》 getting impatient these days : I sometimes Feel that my 'normal ' state is not so far but I can't reach it for now because of anxiéty and agoraphobia. 

Have To keep working on acceptance!

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[mustafa]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

getting impatient these days : I sometimes Feel that my 'normal ' state is not so far but I can't reach it

Believe yourself, erell;

currently you can't reach it but sure you will.

Hugs to you, dear ❤️

[sunnysideup69]

Hello @Erell, how was yesterday? Are you ok?

[Erell]

Hi !

 

Yes i'm ok ! I tried To think less about WD today because i'm quite obsessed 😉 and I forgot To post my Diary!

 

Diary Tuesday 17 December/ day 84 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7am : woke up feeling almost normal 😍

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3

It Will be the same all day. 

12 : 1000mg Evening primrose oil. 

From 2.30pm To 5pm : spent the afternoon at work. Went Well despite anxiety. 

8.30pm: bedtime. Anxiéty: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, Fall asleep around 11.30pm.

 

Big news today : I went To the hairdresser ! 😍 Not pleasant because of anxiety, but i'm proud !

And of course...I hate my haircut ! 😉

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[rola]

cool erell 

tu as pu aller chez le coiffeur 😘

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

Yaaaay! So glad, good news @Erell, it is good to have days where you don't check, don't post. It gets you back 'into' the world a bit more, I find. Big achievements, so happy for you

[Erell]

@rola, @sunnysideup69 : thank you dears ! ❤

I still struggle with anxiety and agoraphobia, but there have been improvments that's sure ! 😍

I try To do more and more

 

Diary Wednesday 18 December/ day 85 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up with alarm.

10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 3

12 : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. 

1000mg evening primrose oil 

Afternoon : forced myself To do some shopping and To go To the hairdresser.

Did a 1h walk.

7pm : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3.

9pm : bedtime. No despair 😍

anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 3.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, fall asleep around 11pm. Sweet night.

 

❤

[Vegalia]

Hi @Erell

 

So Nice !

I'm So happy for you.

 

You are very brave.

 

Bisous 

 

Vega.

[Erell]

Merci @Vegalia ❤

 

Diary Thursday 19 December/ day 86 on 10mg Paroxetine 

7.30am: woke up with alarm, feeling almost normal. 

10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9.30am: anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3

12 : 1000mg evening primrose oil. 

Scores at 4.

2pm : some depressed feelings.

Scores at 4.

From 2.30pm To 4.30pm: went at work. Not easy because of anxiéty but managed To.

6pm : scores at 4.

9pm : bedtime. Tinnitus and scores at 4.

 

Lights off at 10.30pm, fall asleep around 11pm. Sweet night.

 

 

---》 Today I have a lot of fear and intrusive thoughts: about next year, about work, about Christmas...Afraid of not getting better : past days are good, even if I suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia, intensity has really decreased and everyday I Feel grateful ❤

But i'm not feeling really functionnal or Well, and this morning I have intrusive thoughts telling me that I won't see progress anymore.

Let's see what next days Will bring !

 

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[mustafa]

Hi @Erell, it seems that it is our challenge, it is really my life biggest challenge, sometimes I tell myself, the cure of these thoughts is also time and getting used to them will make them go away, the worst thing about these WDs is that you are forced to live every moment in it, I always tell myself, what if I sleep and wake up to find I passed the danger zone but no escape.

I don't want to be negative to you, just sharing you my ideas, give you and me some strength and support and I hope I did it.

Have a nice Friday, erell❤️.

[Erell]

@mustafa : thank you for your support ❤

 

Diary Friday 20 Décembre/ day 87 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up with alarm.

10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 3 / despair: 3.

From 10am To 12 : went To health insurance administration for an obligatory meeting. Hard because of anxiety but made it.

12.30 : 1000mg evening primrose oil. Scores at 4.

From 1.30pm To 4pm : went To work. Feel disconnected. 

6pm : Scores at 4. Feel exhausted, could sleep now !

9pm : bedtime. Fall asleep around 11pm, despite tiredness, I have a lot of restlessness in legs.

Sweet night of sleep. 

 

---》 Quite impressed by how tired I was Yesterday evening! Spent the evening on my couch without any ability, didn't have enough strenght to simply eat!

Usually I force myself in the morning or in the afternoon, not both. Yesterday I forced myself all day, and I can only notice how it exhausted me.

Really amazed by how easily tired can our bodies be in WD !

This is a new 'symptom' for me, unpleasant but thousand times better To handle than strong  neuroemotions, so I won't complain

 

 

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[sunnysideup69]

@Erell, you're making huge progress, it's amazing and well deserved. Yes, the exhaustion is incredible, isn't it? 

[Erell]

Yes this exhaustion is quite amazing!

 

Yes, i've seen huge progress! I'm glad

Naively I thought that a 3/4 scores would mean normal, wonderful...but it isnt  

So i'm still patiently waiting To Feel better 🙃

[Giulietta]

9 hours ago, Erell said:

Yes, i've seen huge progress! I'm glad

 

Hello Erell,

 

I am really pleased that you have progressed and that you see it. It's hard to step outside  yourself and see things about yourself that others do.

 

15 hours ago, Erell said:

This is a new 'symptom' for me, unpleasant but thousand times better To handle than strong  neuroemotions, so I won't complain

 

Absolutely. I am happier to be tired than chasing my tail in a perpetual state of ruminations, anxiety, and despair (and everything else )

 

 

[Lina1001]

Hi Erell,

 

maybe exhaustation is a "good "symptome because that means your body wants to sleep... and while good sleeping, it's healing better...

 

I am lucky, i don't have to go to work , i can work at home, and when i sleep even in the day i feel better, not when i wake up, but sometimes one or two days after...

 

kissess and have a good day

[sunnysideup69]

Hello @Erell, how was your weekend? 

[Erell]

hello Sunny, 

 

well this weekend was full of exhaustion...didn't do much  Thanks for asking ! ❤️

 

 

This is it, i'm now at 3months holding on the same dose of Paroxetine. When I arrived on this site, I saw that some people talk about a 3months mark in stabilisation, so I was hoping I would feel normal now. Well, i'm not !  

BUT there have been improvments, and I now have a wayyy more comfortable baseline !

 

- I sleep well at night, during an average of 8 hours ❤️

- Cortisol spikes have alsmot disappeared and I sometimes wake up without them ! ❤️

- I don't live in terror anymore ❤️

- appetite is back and I even regain some weight ❤️

- I haven't cried since two weeks ❤️

- ....

 

Improvements have been very gradual, and sometimes I only noticed it because of small details : for example, when anxiety was very high, I needed to have a lot of things in my bed to try to fall asleep and to feel some reassurance (sudoku, books, phone, sweet clothes, ... ) , my bed was a mess ! Slowly, I noticed that I had less and less things in my bed, and now I fall asleep in an empty bed ❤️ 

 

All these improvments doesn't mean I feel normal, and I still hope for improvments : 

 

- I'm extremely easily tired and I can't live "normal' days without being exhausted

- Anxiety is still constantly there, and I still struggle sometimes with being outside

- I still have some depressed feelings sometimes hard to handle

- I don't feel stable and I feel like if a wave could happen anytime

-...

 

 

I don't know how my CNS is going to work now : am I gonna see other awful waves? Do I have necessarily to see a wave to see more progress? Or am I gonna gradually heal from here? Will I wake up soon feeling normal? 

I can't answer to this, and nobody can. 

I know that stabilisation doesn't mean I will necessarily find back my old self, but I hope for further progress

 

 

Everything is not great, but I thought sharing my experience could give some hope to folks trying to stabilise, so hope it will ❤️

 

[sunnysideup69]

4 minutes ago, Erell said:

hello Sunny, 

 

well this weekend was full of exhaustion...didn't do much  Thanks for asking ! ❤️

 

 

This is it, i'm now at 3months holding on the same dose of Paroxetine. When I arrived on this site, I saw that some people talk about a 3months mark in stabilisation, so I was hoping I would feel normal now. Well, i'm not !  

BUT there have been improvments, and I now have a wayyy more comfortable baseline !

 

- I sleep well at night, during an average of 8 hours ❤️

- Cortisol spikes have alsmot disappeared and I sometimes wake up without them ! ❤️

- I don't live in terror anymore ❤️

- appetite is back and I even regain some weight ❤️

- I haven't cried since two weeks ❤️

- ....

 

Improvements have been very gradual, and sometimes I only noticed it because of small details : for example, when anxiety was very high, I needed to have a lot of things in my bed to try to fall asleep and to feel some reassurance (sudoku, books, phone, sweet clothes, ... ) , my bed was a mess ! Slowly, I noticed that I had less and less things in my bed, and now I fall asleep in an empty bed ❤️ 

 

All these improvments doesn't mean I feel normal, and I still hope for improvments : 

 

- I'm extremely easily tired and I can't live "normal' days without being exhausted

- Anxiety is still constantly there, and I still struggle sometimes with being outside

- I still have some depressed feelings sometimes hard to handle

- I don't feel stable and I feel like if a wave could happen anytime

-...

 

 

I don't know how my CNS is going to work now : am I gonna see other awful waves? Do I have necessarily to see a wave to see more progress? Or am I gonna gradually heal from here? Will I wake up soon feeling normal? 

I can't answer to this, and nobody can. 

I know that stabilisation doesn't mean I will necessarily find back my old self, but I hope for further progress

 

 

Everything is not great, but I thought sharing my experience could give some hope to folks trying to stabilise, so hope it will ❤️

 

@Erell, you are doing really well. And you will see further improvements, for sure.

 

I'm accepting the same thing about stabilisation. It doesn't mean yay, am back to my old self, but it will be a more steady state. I also don't yet feel stable as if a wave could come any time. We will get there. I'm grateful that I'm having some good windows now and you will, too, where you are pretty much symptom free. 

 

Your words give encouragement to me. Been struggling with a big wave of anxiety about nothing (neuroemotion) this morning. Some agitation. So, thank you for posting.  2020 will bring further healing for us, I know it will. 

You've beaten benzos, and you will beat this. 

Lots of love x

[Lina1001]

@Erell glad to see that you feel gradualy better, even if that can make feel frustrating because so slow... chi va piano, va lontano !

kisses

[mustafa]

Hello @Erell, look only at the good side, that you have improvements, anxiety makes us exhausted because balancing problems and so on . 

I think it isn't a must to be in wave to see more improvements and I hope my expectation is right for you ❤️.

Good night, dear ❤️

[Rhiannon]

Hello Erell, just wanted to drop by and say hello and happy solstice, the light is coming back!

 

You are doing quite well three months out, so much better than you were at first. As I said then, the first months are pretty rough. It sounds like you're really healing and coming along now. It just takes time, but all the signs are still good and you are coming along nicely. Being able to sleep is such a help.

 

Hugs,

Rhiannon

[MissyE]

On 12/23/2019 at 10:42 AM, Erell said:

Everything is not great, but I thought sharing my experience could give some hope to folks trying to stabilise, so hope it will ❤️

I love how you manage to put a positive slant on your experience.  You're an inspiration.  Joyeux Noel ma chere 🎅

Yes there are many more to come and remember how far we've come already.

Love and peace 

Missy x

[sunnysideup69]

Joyeux Noel, dear @Erell, thanks for holding my hand so often. I am on the couch right now, eating my Xmas dinner, sending you love and hugs from a sunny but cold London ☀️😊

[Erell]

@sunnysideup69, @Guilietta, @mustafa, @MissyE, @Gridley, @Sassenach, @Rhiannon

Thank you SO much for holding my hand in my stabilisation process, your support is so important for me  ❤❤❤

 

@rola, @Vegalia, @Lina1001 : merci infiniment les filles pour votre soutien dans cette épreuve  ❤❤❤

 

[Sassenach]

How are you feeling today?

[Erell]

Hello Sass,

 

Well I eat some sugar with the Christmas chocolate I received...not a good idea but it was so sweet in my mouth  😄😇

I'm still in my 4 scores, with some issues outside : I went on the seaside and had some Spikes of anxiety but managed To take a good walk 😊

I have some acne since this morning so I may be back in my sweet PMS period..let's see what tomorrow brings 

 

Big hugs dear Sass!