Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Nyfa25]

@Erell good to hear that you're a little better, you will healing i'm so sure about that, because you're so positiv even when you walk throught the storm 👏👏

[Istm]

Hi Erell! I’m sorry October brought a wave... but you’re now a wave closer to healing, yay!
 

And you’ll definitely be able to work and live a normal and happy life once this is over! Don’t let the withdrawal thoughts lie to you. Plus once you’ve gone through this you’ll be so strong, and everything will seem like a joke compared to what you’ve gone through. Withdrawal makes you a warrior!

 

I also have DR and I find it helpful not to focus, think or obsess over it. Just let it be.  A withdrawal buddie told me that DP/DR is your body trying to protect you, and looking at it like that helps :) 

 

I’m glad you’re seeing improvements! Sending strength and healing ❤️

 

[Rosetta]

Oh, that’s a good update!!  The period thing! Ugh!  I deal with that, too.  I’m glad those two incidents didn’t bother you the way they would have before - a very good sign, indeed.  
 

Once you get used to DP/DR, it is not as scary.  It’s always bizarre, but you will lose some of the fear.  It’s just odd.  I used to feel as if there were a thick, plate-glass window between me and the world — the kind in enormous aquariums.  That happened when I looked at trees.  There was no magnification.  I could not pinpoint why I felt that way.  The world seemed two dimensional, but not quite.  It was impossible to adequately describe.  Maybe it had to do with sunlight?  Or shadows?  It was a “feeling” rather than a visual experience.  No more.  That never happens now.  It was so disconcerting.  Eventually, I realized that it could not hurt me; it did not mean I was insane.  It was harmless except for the fear it caused.
 

Enjoy a break from the more intense anxiety.  I’m glad you wrote it down, too.  That is important.  You will forget.  I hope you get a long break.  When I complain about feeling lethargic and anhedonic, I forget to be grateful that I am feeling something different than fear.  I forget that it’s a lesser anxiety.  We get so tired of there being impediments to our ability to “live a full life,” no?  It’s helpful to have your optimism.  This will end someday, and you will have a new lease on life.  
 

💜Rosetta

[Krisseyb]

@Rosetta ....made me tear up. 

11 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 I forget to be grateful that I am feeling something different than fear.  I forget that it’s a lesser anxiety.  We get so tired of there being impediments to our ability to “live a full life,” no?  It’s helpful to have your optimism.  This will end someday, and you will have a new lease on life.  

I LOVE this!!! I am so ready to not have this "fear" that I have never had before!!  I really enjoyed reading your whole post. Thanks for the words!!!

And I probably should know this, but what does DP/DR mean? 

 

[getofflex]

On 9/9/2020 at 6:49 AM, Erell said:

Thank you Mustafa, Mimi79, Rosetta, Hannah and Cigale ❤️

I would like to answer in details to your nice words, I don't manage to do it today, so I'll try later.

Wish you all a bright day and some sweet fresh air on your face ☀️

 

As you know, gardening is one of my favourite "changing the channel" tips, so here is my little hug from Brittany for all dear folks :

 

 

I love this!  I'm also a gardener, and have seen all kinds of strange carrots from my garden. This also shows how our brains become intertwined with the psych meds.  

[getofflex]

On 11/18/2020 at 11:53 AM, Erell said:

Hello dears !

 

Well, it's been around three months of holding everything steady : time for an update, right ?

 

First, let me apologise : we are a peer support community, and yet I don't really offer any support lately. 

It seems that I can't come here without scaring myself. And I don't want to feed my mind with catastrophizing thoughts, negative expectations, etc. So I focus on positivity and optismitic expectations and often only come here to read my favourite Success Stories.

And it seems that I'm discovering the amazing world of what people call DR/DP : lately I've felt strongly disconnected, living in a dream and sometimes it is hard for me to know who I am, if I'm in the real world, what is real, bla bla bla .. so it is often really hard to relate to things or people.

 

BUT, I think I'm slowly getting better 🤞

 

............

 

Hello Ettrel, you have an incredibly strong and positive attitude!  That is the way to do this.  It is a very difficult and long process, but keeping a good attitude is going to get you through the tough times.  Keep up the good work!  You will make it!  Jennifer 

[Cigale]

On 11/18/2020 at 6:53 PM, Erell said:

I really do believe that I'm getting better !

 

You are so strong my dear @Erell and your positive mindset will see you through. And you have supported me so much throughout your challenges. You are an amazing and inspiring soul. Sending you healing hugs!

 

[sunnysideup69]

Dear @Erell, you are definitely healing, these are all really good signs! I'm so happy for you, sending you big hugs. Walking is amazing for healing, also.

xxxxx

[Nyfa25]

@Erell Hi, how do you feel ? Can you feel a little better ?

[sunnysideup69]

Hey there @Erell,

No need to reply if you're not ready, just wanted to say am thinking of you and sending you a hug.

xx

[Mimi79]

Hi dear Erell!

Thinking of you and I send you big hugs!

Mimi79

[Cigale]

Coucou @Erell! Grateful for you my dear! Healing 🤗!

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

hello there

just want to let you know I'm thinking of you and really hoping you are finding some pockets of peace and windows as you start to heal.

We have a new year ahead of us with new beginnings and new chapters  I really hope the next chapter for you is "Finding Hope and Stability".

Dont ever forget just how brave you are.

Merry Christmas Erell 🎄

[Altostrata]

Hello, Erell, how are you doing? 😊

[Erell]

Hello, 

 

and thank you @Altostrata, @Longroadhome, @Nyfa25, @sunnysideup69 and @Cigale for asking.

I didn't write here earlier because I wanted to share a positive mindset. I'm having a difficult time and not proud of sharing these kind of things.

But I come here alsmot everyday, and I'm so happy to see that things are improving on your side 😃 !

 

--> On my side, I'm still holding everything steady, for a little more than four months. I'm sometimes tempted to test a reduction of 1,  2 or 3% because of intrusive thoughts as they appeared this summer with Prozac. But I also keep in mind the importance of stability before doing any change, so I keep everything steady for now.

 

--> WD : things are still hard because of strong intrusive thoughts, sensitivity to light sounds, adrenaline rushes, fears, strong waves brought by periods, etc.
But I'm getting better : it seems that my downs are less extreme / I have regained my sleep in December and apart from a few rough nights I now sleep 8 hours most nights (🤩) / I have some shiny moments  that feels very good.

Like the other day, I was doing food shopping with my mother, and I suddenly stopped in the shop telling her : "wow, I think I'm feeling normal!". She asked me : "what does this mean ?", and I said "I don't know, it's just that I'm suddenly feeling ok" ! It doesn't last long, but those kind of moments help me to keep pushing through

 

--> Life : Despite improvements, I am having a very difficult time in my life and I honestly don't know how to share it on SA. The view of myself is fuzzy.
You know, I was 14 when I started psychdrugs. Since I'm a child, I'm full of fears, obsessions : even before WD or psychdrugs I have sometimes felt strong anxiety states, and sometimes extreme melancholic state.

Currently, there are symptoms that I know are WD : when I suddenly feel an adrenaline rush boiling through my veins, when sounds or light attack me; when I feel restless inside and need to move without being able to focus on something, when I have weird intrusive thoughts, ...
But there are also moments when I don't know anymore if it's WD or just the real me. These days, I feel like I'm 14 again, when all my old fears and obsessions come back when I had forgotten them. And the 14 years old me was having a hard time.

 

I'm a huge fan of the un-patienting process thing, and I definitely think it is a key in healing. And I also strongly believe that positive neurosplasticity is extremely important, and I do my best to improve my pattern of thinking (with mindfullness, gratefullness, ...).

I am however full of doubts about myself, about my possibility to change and to live a simpler and more serene life. I dream of freedom : psych drug free yes, but mostly free from all these fears, these obsessions.
Psychiatry didn't help me, so that's not something I consider anymore. And I'm way too aware of the dangeroussness of psychdrugs, I only fear them now.

The only thing I know is that I've always had strong fears/anxiety, and on my healing journey, I need to find new ways to help myself. And I don't know how to do that, or if I have a chance to do so.

 

At the beginning of December, I decided to start a psychotherapy. I'm lucky because I found a very nice therapist, and someone who went through benzo WD some years ago !
But in the meantime, I don't know if I'm currently able to follow a therapy. It feels like talking about me brings bad memories, and feeds the scenarios in my mind that condemn me to always suffer since it has always been the case.

 

Sometimes, I think that I'm doomed with the real me even if WD heals, and sometimes I try to believe that these thoughts are only lies because of Wd.
Is it only WD or is it just the real me ? To be honest I feel pretty lost, and that's also why I don't currently share a lot on SA.

 

I would like people on SA to tell me that all this is only Wd and that it will get better, but I also fear that it is probably more complex than that.

 

So here it is for my update. It is not a very positive one, and I hope I'll bring more smiles in 2021 !
I'll keep on pushing through : despite difficulties, I don't want to define myself as a victim and I want to continue to believe that I can still treat myself to nice surprises!

 

I send you all huge hugs ❤️❤️❤️ 

 

Ps : I would like to take advantage of my post to share a link initially shared by Shep : I read it a lot these days and I hope it will bring you some of the peace it sometimes brings me : 

 

Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

❤️

 

[mstimc]

Good Morning, Erell
 

Positive and healing thoughts going out to you from Portugal.  
 

When I first started therapy, I, too, felt things were getting darker before they improved.  I had to confront and deal with a lifetime of anxious behavior and catastrophic thinking before I could begin to adopt effective management techniques.

 

I do think there is a certain amount of anxiety we’re born with and need to learn to manage, just like others need to manage diabetes or cholesterol.  It’s not a bad thing or sign of weakness. It’s just the way we’re made.   The good news is you can learn to manage anxious thinking regardless of its cause.  Whether it’s WD or habitual anxiety, a good therapist will give you the tools you need.
 

Peace and love, mon ami. 

[sunnysideup69]

Hey lovely @Erell,

It's always good to hear from you, whether positive or not. I prefer honesty above positivity, anyway

Personally I've wobbled a bit during these holidays, too....spent Xmas alone because of Boris's 'Tier 4 Lockdown' in London, going away to see parents tomorrow. Must get ut of London.

 

Like you, I sometimes question how I'll be off antidepressants. I struggled with my moods a bit aged 30 upwards - probably always did, in fact, but started coping with them in unhealthy ways in my twenties. I'm often conscious when I read others threads here that I'm not one of those people who was put on antidepressants for non anxiety/depression means. And when I'm down, it also makes me doubt my fortitude.

 

For myself, and I don't know if this is helpful, but I think my tendency towards rumination and then getting exhausted into depression is probably always going to be my achilles heel. However, I'm hopeful that I -and anyone else who suffers- can learn to manage these states of consciousness so that they don't affect me so badly in the future.

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I am however full of doubts about myself, about my possibility to change and to live a simpler and more serene life. I dream of freedom : psych drug free yes, but mostly free from all these fears, these obsessions.

 

I think even people who don't suffer from a 'diagnosed' anxiety/depression have fears and obsessions. Probably what is making all of this loom so large in your mind at them moment is WD, I honestly think that. WD turns normal questions and queries into huge, seemingly unresolvable doubts, it seems to me.

The truth is, we don't know how it will be once we're off these darned things....but let's assume that by that point we will have developed the strength and strategies to cope with life's ups and downs without falling completely into a black hole again.

I feel your enquiry, Erell, I really do. And I also want to say that there is hope for a more serene and calm future ahead.

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

Good to hear from you ! 
On  a positive note  you are getting glimpses of windows and that is good. 
I understand your thinking and I think it’s fair to say people that suffered with anxiety and or depression are bound to wonder what lies ahead after recovery . I am one of these people. All of my adult life I have had bouts of anxiety and depression and yes if I let myself think too deeply I worry that I will no longer have the AD to take the symptoms away. 
having said this I think nature has a way of preparing you . After going through WD will I ever have bouts of depression snd anxiety again ..? Who knows

and if I do in my rational moments I know I will cope with them because after going through AD withdrawal nothing will ever come close to being as bad . And I am coping.

 

it’s the “lies” that keep the torment going. As we heal we will have more confidence in our ability to cope with whatever we are left with. Fingers crossed it’s a completely peaceful body and mind x
 

2021 should be interesting for us all.. 
 

 

[Gridley]

On 12/29/2020 at 5:55 AM, Erell said:

would like people on SA to tell me that all this is only Wd and that it will get better, but I also fear that it is probably more complex than that.

 

It may be more than WD but it seems to me that it is to a very large extent WD.  Subtract the WD (and that will happen) and you will feel like a new person, maybe with some of the old pre-drug anxiety but with all the skills and strengths you've acquired.  Those skills will win.

 

Thanks also for the link

On 12/29/2020 at 5:55 AM, Erell said:

Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

It is very helpful to me as I finish my benzo crossover (I'm dealing with anger that I even had t do it if Ecuador hadn't inexplicably run out of Ativan) and prepare to taper.  I think a lot of the Benzo lies in the link would be applicable to you.

 

You are a beautiful soul and that will triumph in the end.  

[Erell]

Hello @Longroadhome, @sunnysideup69, @mstimc and @Gridley, I'm so  thankfull for  your support ❤

 

In retrospect, I think you might be right : WD is probably the reason why my mind has fell in such deep doubts recently.

Funny that I shared the link about "Benzos lies" while questionning the fact that I would be able to feel better one day. It shows how powerfull these psychdrugs lies can be !

 

Honestly, I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong.

This fall has been really hard, but I've seen some progress along the road : October was a bit better than September, November was a bit better than October, and the first part of December was promising with better sleep and glimpses of Windows.

 

Since 3 weeks things are going downhill pretty fast and I feel like I'm back to September : poor agitated sleep, terror spikes and constant high anxiety, intense violent intrusive thoughts, afraid of my own body, periods don't come,restlessness, no more glimpses of window, extreme agoraphobia, ...

The intensity is progressively ramping up.

I look at my dailynotes and I see a huge setback. It's like all my little progress have disappeared.

 

And I can't stop asking what is going on : 

- perhaps a wave of paxil wd (8months since my fast taper last spring to do a Prozac bridge)

- perhaps I have too much / not enough Prozac

- Perhaps one session of therapy was too much for now

 

I check everything :

- no alcohol, no alcohol in food

- I use the same brand of syringes to make sure there are no variations 

- I change my meds every 4 weeks

- I use the same brand of supplements 

- I keep the same routine (go to bed early, walk 30min/1hour every morning,...)

- ...

 

See, even after 1.5 year of struggling I'm still looking for a logic or a reason, still learning acceptance.

 

I'm not changing anything for now, I know that maybe this massive wave will be followed by stabilisation. But damn this is hard when you thought you were going in the right direction.

This last 1.5 year has been a big challenge.

 

I'm still keeping everything steady, since 4/5 months. And hoping I'm doing the right thing

 

Again, thank you for your support!

And big hugs of course 😉❤

 

 

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

Lots of  times theres no rhyme or reason for a set back. Healing from these drugs is not straight forward as we know. In fact we shouldn’t look at it as a “set back”.
As you are doing everything right then I think it’s adjustments your body is having to make to put things right. 
sometimes we question and look for reasons that aren’t there. 

Hold tight it will pass . Continue to be brave you are inching forward even though you feel you’re not . You most  definitely ARE. 

 

Time and patience my friend xx 

 

 
 

[mstimc]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

The intensity is progressively ramping up.

I look at my dailynotes and I see a huge setback. It's like all my little progress have disappeared.

Hi Erell

 

I shared this with Fightinghard a day or two ago...The more progress we make, the harder it becomes to accept any kind of setback.  We think we've almost achieved healing and something comes out of the blue to knock us back a few steps.  But you've come so far and made such tremendous progress--be proud of that.  You know any wave will eventually turn into a window.  In the meantime, be gentle and kind to yourself.  As longroadhome said, this is an adjustment--not a failure.  Peace and love from Portugal! 

[getofflex]

@ErellI'm sorry you are going through this tough wave.  When I read about windows and waves, I remember hearing that when we are in a wave, it is evidence that our brain is working on healing itself.  It is discouraging to be seeing progress, then go back to feeling so poorly for so long.  I know, been there, done that, got that t-shirt.  I'm also in a wave that's been ongoing for almost 2 months.  I'm praying for you.  Jennifer 

[Gridley]

On 1/8/2021 at 2:47 AM, Erell said:

perhaps a wave of paxil wd (8months since my fast taper last spring to do a Prozac bridge)

This seems very possible to me.  In Brassmonkey's original version of "It doesn't stop at zero," he talks about a wave at the 7 to 12 month point (though in the later version of the post the time frame is a bit less specific.)

 

I hope you're feeling better today. 

 

 

[Erell]

Thank you for your support, reading you is always good !

How lucky we are to have a community that understand the states we experience ❤️ 

 

To be honest, I'm doing my best to not panick but this wave is really shaking me.

It's like if every day was a demonstration of all the worst symptoms I ever had, and symptoms are succedding over and over with an intensity I had forgotten.

Restlessness, intrusive violent thoughts and impulses, poor sleep, doom feelings, ... all are back in force like last September.

 

I keep looking for what may have triggered this strong wave but I find anything, so I do my best to focus on acceptance.(Succeeding sometimes, and not succeding the next hour  )

 

@getofflex and @mstimc : you are right about how hard it is to rediscover strong symptoms when you felt like you were making progress !

More than that, these kind of stepbacks make you realise that you had progressed !

As I never have clear-cut windows, I just feel bad all time without always realising that slowly it is getting less bad.

Before this sudden worsening, I could notice things were getting better but not that much. Now that I'm back to strong intensity, I realise that I definitely had seen progress ! I've wrote in big pink characters in my dailynotes : wow, you had made tremendous progress !  

 

33 minutes ago, Gridley said:

This seems very possible to me.  In Brassmonkey's original version of "It doesn't stop at zero," he talks about a wave at the 7 to 12 month point (though in the later version of the post the time frame is a bit less specific.)

 Yes I remembered having read that somewhere so that's what lead me to think that I was maybe going through these kind of "special nasty waves"  

It would mean that Prozac didn't managed to replace correctly Paxil. 

 

I also remember having read a Success Story where the survivor said that his last wave was the worst with all his symptoms back rolling over and over, and then healing ! ...so I'm coping telling myself that this wave might be the last before stabilisation and a tremendous window...always better to dream right ?

 

 

I hope I'll come very soon to let you know how much better I feel 😃 

 

Hugs (and thank you <3)

Edited January 9, 2021 by Erell

[mstimc]

44 minutes ago, Erell said:

Now that I'm back to strong intensity, I realise that I definitely had seen progress ! I've wrote in big pink characters in my dailynotes : wow, you had made tremendous progress !  

Hi Erell

Great advice to give yourself!  You really have made progress and no setback can change that!  You'll be in a window before you know it!

 

Peace!

[Heath]

Sorry you aren’t feeling well rt now! Yes during waves when we aren’t feeling well all those questions and doubts we ask ourselves I think is due to cns out of stability anxiety and such. I do the same thing. What did I do wrong what happened what should I do I have to do something to fix it now etc. acknowledge, accept, float. I think dr Claire weeks said this can’t remember. When I am in a wave I have no problem acknowledging this is withdrawals but I  struggle with acceptance and floating. Like I said I think cns instability during this time makes it hard to accept and float! Hope you get through wave quickly! Hang in there !

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

I have found a good website today they I think may help you 

The Benzo Free Podcast 

Benzo withdrawal Symptoms  : questions, confusion, obsession  

By D E Foster 

An American who talks about withdrawal from Benzo and has been through WD himself . I think he was/is a university lecturer but does a lot now to help people in WD. 

it is about Benzos but as AD WD is so similar it is good listening and he has a soothing voice so good to hear if you want a pick me up when resting on the couch etc  
you’re English is very good so I’m hoping you will be able to listen and understand . Forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn. 
take care of yourself x
 

 

 

[Hanna72]

Dear @Erell

Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. Praying for some relief coming your way soon. I know how terrible hard this is, and you are so brave and strong. ❤️

[Cigale]

Oh my dear @Erell - I am so sorry that you are struggling like this. My heart aches for you. But you are doing all the right things, getting out on walks, distracting, and noting your pink improvements. This takes discipline and that will pay off.  You are strong and deeply compassionate and that goodness and beauty will win out over these toxins.

 

You do so much for others, I want to try and suggest something that has helped me. When I get out for a walk, I really try to breath in and savor the beauty around me. Recently I managed to push myself to go for a hike though I was dealing with SI and terror. When I stopped to look at the landscape, I would purposely slow and deepen my breath and stand still for a couple of minutes imagining I was gathering energy and healing from the earth. Though I continued to struggle the rest of the day with anxiety and depression, I slept really well that night.

 

I am holding you in my thoughts and sending you healing 🤗.

[getofflex]

Dear @Erellplease hang in there!  My heart goes out to you, it truly does.  I'm experiencing a severe 2 month wave, and I'm gradually coming out of it, I think.  Look at it this way:  to get to the solution on a Rubik's cube, one must turn the cube all kinds of circuitous ways to get there.  Out brains and nervous systems are incredibly complex and multilayered.  So this wave of yours is another crazy turn of the Rubik's cube, but it is putting you one step close to the solution, even though it feels horrible.  I know how hard these waves are.  I'm praying for you.  Jennifer 

[Erell]

Thank you ! I say this all the time, but I'm always amazed by how kind people are in our community!

 

@Longroadhome : no problem, it is very kind of you to share. 

To be honest, understand English is way easier when written  : when people talk in English, they often do it way too quickly for me 😅

But I'll give it a try.

 

Thank you for your support, it is very appreciate and I find great comfort in your posts.

I'm still in this nasty special wave, but I slept 6 hours last night (!) so I'm taking all good signs and focusing on the sunny side of the street I'm not sure but I think I might be lest restless too today, at least a bit.

Not back to my improved baseline but maybe closer than yesterday 

 

@Altostrata : I'm wondering if I'm not creating my own issues with my Paroxetine toothpick. You suggested it as short-term possibility, but I ended using it long term because Prozac didnt seem to avoid Paxil Wd symptoms. Wanted to stop it to celebrate this new year but my current strong wave changed my mind. 

I'm wondering if this Paxil toothpick is creating instability (impossible to measure the same dose everyday).

Anyway, my point is I remember that you once mentionned a person that took a Paxil toothpick for months before being able to jump, and even made a paper about it. I've searched on mr google, and on SA but didn't find it. 

If you have a link to provide, I would be very interested to read

 

 

Big hugs to all !

[sunnysideup69]

On 1/9/2021 at 4:56 PM, mstimc said:

Hi Erell

Great advice to give yourself!  You really have made progress and no setback can change that!  You'll be in a window before you know it!

 

Peace!

 

I second this. And also, isn't it also always the way that when we look back, we can see we DID in fact make some improvements? Hindsight....

Sending you continued hugs and love. I'm wibbling around a little at the moment, so they are wibbly hugs. Dang, there's so much wierdness in the world at the moment, I think we're all doing absolutely amazingly.

xxx

[Longroadhome]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

Thank you ! I say this all the time, but I'm always amazed by how kind people are in our community!

 

@Longroadhome : no problem, it is very kind of you to share. 

To be honest, understand English is way easier when written  : when people talk in English, they often do it way too quickly for me 😅

But I'll give it a try.

 

Thank you for your support, it is very appreciate and I find great comfort in your posts.

I'm still in this nasty special wave, but I slept 6 hours last night (!) so I'm taking all good signs and focusing on the sunny side of the street I'm not sure but I think I might be lest restless too today, at least a bit.

Not back to my improved baseline but maybe closer than yesterday 

 

@Altostrata : I'm wondering if I'm not creating my own issues with my Paroxetine toothpick. You suggested it as short-term possibility, but I ended using it long term because Prozac didnt seem to avoid Paxil Wd symptoms. Wanted to stop it to celebrate this new year but my current strong wave changed my mind. 

I'm wondering if this Paxil toothpick is creating instability (impossible to measure the same dose everyday).

Anyway, my point is I remember that you once mentionned a person that took a Paxil toothpick for months before being able to jump, and even made a paper about it. I've searched on mr google, and on SA but didn't find it. 

If you have a link to provide, I would be very interested to read

 

 

Big hugs to all !

You’re very welcome  

Sounds good Erell 

definitely think you’re experiencing a wave . And we all know what happens when the wave calms .. a better baseline so please hang in there. 

“ With peace and in perfect trust, I turn within
and open my heart to the powerful healing presence that guides me through each challenging day."

 

 Baylissa Frederick 
 

[Altostrata]

It's this person, Erell.

 

 

[Erell]

Hello dear folks ❤

 

------------------

 

Venting warning :

 

I hope you'll pardon me, I need to vent a bit and I know that this community understands this kind of moment.

 

Of course no need to reply or even read it, remember take care of yourself first

 

I'm still in this very nasty wave that started I think mid-December. I'm re-discovering symptoms that had faded, like restlessness and the need to jump out of your skin, or huge crying spells coming out of the blue with hopelessness.

And despite focusing on my toolkit and my walks in nature I feel a huge sense of unfairness (which is a bit childish, I know).

 

I feel unfairness because, since my Paxil crash in August 2019, I'm struggling despite trying my best and being careful.

Since 1.5 year I haven't felt myself, or haven't had a real-cut window during a full day. 

Before this strong wave, I was already living in a wave since months. Despite Prozac, I'm struggling.

Don't get me wrong, I know that this is the case for a lot people, and that people sometimes don't see little improvements (like I was lucky to see on better days during this 1.5 year) during a long time. 

And I also know that thoughts like "my case is different" or "my situation is worse, there is something wrong" are lies from my CNS in chaos.

 

It's just that after 1.5 years I'm tired, you know. Really tired, in my body and in my mind. 

And I'm loosing faith these days, or rather strenght. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not listening to SI, definitely not. I'll keep pushing, one day at a time. 

I just need to vent and to say to someone that understand  : I'm tired, I don't have strenght anymore, and I need a big break, like a full day feeling ok. 

 

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@Cigale : thank you for your suggestion to savor the beauty around me. It helped me today. I even took the idea further and spent time hugging a tree...well it was nice ! 

A lot of birds are singing here these days, I hope you can hear them too !

 

@Longroadhome : thank you, I like it when you share inspirational quotes !

And I like that you mentioned an improved baseline after this wave : that's exactly what I'm telling to my brain

 

Altostrata : thank you for the link !

 

@getofflex : I thank you deeply for your support, and for the Rubiks cube metaphor !

I'm glad to read that you're slowly coming out of a wave. Your slow taper and your determination really are an inspiration, thank you for sharing!

 

@sunnysideup69 : thank you for your support, and for sharing your progress. Even if every journey is unique, we all have times when we need to find comfort in other stories. And I love reading your story of progress after your switch

 

@brassmonkey : I'm being curious, and perhaps listening too much to the need to find a rationnal explanation or to understand my current rough "setback".

I've seen some of your posts where you mentionned a "special wave" that often hit people around 8-10 months after jumping to 0.

I was wondering if this theory makes sense in the case of a switch : it's been 8-9 months since I fast tapered Paxil to bridge to Prozac.

(5 months that I'm holding the same Prozac dose).

I'm wondering if I'm suffering from prolonged Paxil WD, a "special nasty 8 months wave", from Prozac. 

Would you agree to share with me your opinion considering all the stories you've seen ? 

 

 

Well, this was a long one !

 

Thank you all for your kindness, I deeply appreciate it ❤☀️

 

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by Erell