Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

Hello

 

Thank you deeply @mstimc, @mustafa, @Heath, @Hanna72 and @Rusty1.

Your support is so appreciated ❤

 

Just tired of this Groundhogday and this fear of being a danger for others that plague me all day long.

 

Reading your words help me.

 

Rusty1, I've re-read your thread and wow, thank you for being such an inspiration and for providing hope to our community. I'm so glad you're now feeling better off, I have no doubt things will keep on improving now ❤

 

Sending you all hugs ❤

[Hanna72]

I am so sorry dear @Erell that you have to go through so much pain. I can imagine how tired you are, anyone would. Just breaks my heart. 
Praying for you💕

 

[mstimc]

Dear Erell

 

The middle of my WD and recovery were the worst for me as well.   It seemed each day was no better than the one before and held no hope for a better tomorrow.  But ever so slowly things did get better.  You have an indomitable spirit that is so much stronger than the fear.  You will recover!

[getofflex]

@ErellI'm truly sad to hear that you are having such difficulty with the agoraphobia, intrusive thoughts, impulses, etc.  If it's any consolation to you, I too experience these same things.  But then, I've always had a certain amount of agoraphobia and avoidant tendencies due to past trauma, so I'm not sure how much is from that, versus WD.  I'm glad to hear that the 1.15% drop has not caused you to feel worse.  When I get the intrusive dark thoughts, I use the floating technique.  I tell myself they are just thoughts, they are not who I am, and I don't have to act upon them.  I also change the channel, and try and replace them with different thoughts.  It usually helps.  Our brains and nervous systems are so complex, it takes years for them to heal and recover.  I'm still dealing with sleep issues, even after being in PAWS 4 years.  I tell myself that someday, it will get better.  I will say I have some some progress in myself.  In early withdrawal, I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin, and I rarely have that feeling anymore.  I'm calmer and more settled.  I also have less DP/DR.  And, I do have nights where I can sleep 7-8 hours without taking sleep aids.  I'm sharing this with you in the hope of encouraging you.  Someday, this will get better for you.  I still pray for you every day.  

[Rosetta]

I felt felt agoraphobic at times.  I was also afraid to be alone.  So, I had to go out. Once I was out, it was easier than I expected.  Is that not the case for you?  The overstimulation was my problem with being out.  It took a toll.  I need quiet, and a lack of stimuli.  Sometimes, even someone talking to me was too much.  Riding in car with the vibration was a problem. 
 

I was light sensitive, too.  Dark glasses helped.

 

It is hard to be trapped at home.

 

Some people take longer to heal.  You have 2 years done.  

 

Rosetta

[Erell]

@mstimc : thank you for sharing your experience ❤ You've been very brave in your journey, it's a real inspiration.

 

@getofflex : while I'm really not glad you go through this, it does somehow help to know you know these symptoms.

Thank you for your thoughts !

I'm happy to read about your improvements and really glad you experience relief from this feeling of need to jump out of your skin. It really does feel like an emergency.

It's been a long journey, this relief is well-deserved, I'm really glad you experience this calmer state ❤

 

@Rosetta : Thank you dear.

Well it's rarely easier out. I often feel overstimulated when I go out and it usually increases my symptoms, takes time after to "go down".

I'm in the dark glasses team too

 

 

Sorry I'm complaining these days, just very sad and tired, not proud but I don't manage to be as hopeful or positive as I would like to be.

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Erell

[Hanna72]

Dear @ErellDont apologies for stating how you feel. You are not complaining! You are suffering and this is why we are in this forum to express how we feel and supporting each other. You are allowed to do this. We all understand. You are doing everything in your power to get better, and we are always here for you no matter what or how you are feeling.

Big hugs to you 🤗

[Rusty1]

On 7/10/2021 at 11:19 PM, Erell said:

Hello

 

Thank you deeply @mstimc, @mustafa, @Heath, @Hanna72 and @Rusty1.

Your support is so appreciated ❤

 

Just tired of this Groundhogday and this fear of being a danger for others that plague me all day long.

 

Reading your words help me.

 

Rusty1, I've re-read your thread and wow, thank you for being such an inspiration and for providing hope to our community. I'm so glad you're now feeling better off, I have no doubt things will keep on improving now ❤

 

Sending you all hugs ❤

No problem. Wishing you the best. I know that groundhog feeling you describe, mine was feeling like I was losing my mind. Even if is dissipated a little as long as it still is there it can be hard to get past and feel any progress.

 

One day for me it all started to fade away and it all felt so silly. On my bad days I would try anything I could to feel better but couldn't, yet when I actually started feeling better I was able to do so with no effort. That is so frustrating we know what is happening yet have so little control.

 

I am glad I have been able to provide so hope that things will improve. I want everyone here to make the gains I have been able to enjoy. 🤗

[Rosetta]

(((Erell))). I’m thinking of you, dear.  

[Erell]

Hello

 

@Hanna72, @Rusty1 and @Rosetta : Thank you very much for your amazing support !

I don't always answer but I read all the posts many times !

 

Well things are still pretty much the same, so nothing really new to add.

Still doing my best to keep going despite not managing to notice real progress.

Have recently added cardiac coherency and Tai-chi to my routine and I really like this new tools.

 

However, I feel like I have a "rush" to be drug free, recently I've felt a new urge or desire to taper my meds.

I think it's partly because my mind associates the crazy intrusive thoughts that plague me to Prozac, as they appeared since my bridge (but could also be due to Paxil wd).

 

I know better than this urge though, so I won't do anything crazy.

It's been 4 weeks since my 1% drop, I'm now thinking about a 0.5% drop soon (from 6.92mg to 6.88mg) : this way I stay careful while feeling like moving forward.

 

Well dear friends, I wish you all a peaceful week-end ❤

 

[wantrelief]

Dearest Erell,

 

I am really sorry to hear things are pretty much the same.  Despite that, I continue to admire your trying new things.  I watched a program recently talking about how wonderful Tai Chi is for our overall well-being so you are helping yourself even if it doesn't feel like it now.  What is cardiac coherency?

 

It sounds like you've got a good plan to start slowly and carefully tapering off Prozac.  It will as you said help you feel like you are moving forward and my greatest hope is that you will feel better as you taper.

 

With much admiration and love,

WR

[getofflex]

It's great that you are adding some new tools to your toolbox.  I still continue to pray for you, and think about you.  It sounds like you are doing a very wise and careful small taper.  Like want relief above, hopefully as you get off the drug, you will gradually feel better.  

 

I understand the rush to be drug free. I was very impatient in my taper (before I found SA), and the doctors had no idea what they were doing.  I'm so very thankful that SA exists, otherwise I don't know where I would be today.  Please, don't give up.  Remember, it took Altostrata 11 years to recover from Paxil herself.  Hopefully it won't take you that long, but at least you know recovery is down the road!   I will continue to pray for you and send positive thoughts your way! 

[Sebas]

"I think it's partly because my mind associates the crazy intrusive thoughts that plague me to Prozac, as they appeared since my bridge (but could also be due to Paxil wd)."

 

Bonjour mon amie,

Please see links below for tips. On the internet i see those intrusive thoughts are mostly associated with benzo withdrawal. Don't know, might as well be paxil or prozac related. Anyway focus on acceptance, ignoring etc. Dayly activities such as Tai Chi will be helpful with focussing on something else 👇👇

 

https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/coping/withdrawal-induced-obsessiverepetitive-thoughts-quick-tips

 

https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/recovery/how-to-cope-with-intrusive-thoughts-in-benzo-withdrawal/

 

🙋‍♂️Sebassss

[Rosetta]

Still thinking of you.  I wish that would make it stop.  Alas, no.  (Erell)

 

-R

[sunnysideup69]

Fantastic that a small cut didn't throw you, @Erell.

 

Try not to compare yourself with anyone else. This healing timeline is so unique to each of us. 'Only compare yourself with who you were yesterday'....think it was Jordan Peterson who said that. Good advice.

 

I think there can be a terrible struggle internally with feeling that one should 'push oneself more' whilst in recovery. I think this is also a symptom of WD/recovery, a mean trick of the recovering brain/mind. Actually, maybe what you need is peace, not much activity, etc. Rest. Also, this feeling will go away as you naturally recover. 

 

Thinking of you and sending you good wishes for your recovery xxx

[mstimc]

On 7/24/2021 at 4:50 AM, Erell said:

I know better than this urge though, so I won't do anything crazy.

A wise strategy my friend!  There's that part of us that just wants to get it over with, but taking it at your own pace and being kind and patient with yourself will make the journey easier.  Positive thoughts from Portugal!

[Longroadhome]

Thinking of you @Erell

one day soon you are going to feel that shift towards feeling better snd things getting easier. 
As Sunny said each journey is unique and we can’t compare.  The symptoms each of us have is down to down regulation of receptors and in this way each success story is relevant  as it shows receptors do heal no matter how long or difficult the journey. 
Keep going take each day as it comes and don’t believe the WD brain when it tries to fill your mind with lies. 
There’s no reason in this whole world why you can’t make it to the other side xx 
 

[Erell]

Hello dear friends,

 

Thank you, as always : this community of support created on SA really is invaluable !

I do believe that peer support is an amazing force of change in mental health area.

 

I thank you also for sharing your confidence in my ability to heal : even if Success Stories show us that people do get better, it can be so easy to think you won't while living with a destabilised system.

 

I'm going through a hard spike since a few days with high anxiety, poor sleep, and painfull body tension, also feeling disconnected in a thick fog.

So, even if I'm talking about a ridiculously small drop (0.5%), I've decided to hold longer.

Plus, after hesitating during months because the memory of acute is way too hot even one year after my bridge, I finally registered to get my pfizer shot soon, so I don't want to change my med dose during this period.

Keep it simple as we say !

 

 

@Sebas : Thank you for the links you shared !

I realise that this crazy thoughts and impulses are probably more common than we think in WD.

I feel like I made progress in accepting other symptoms, but with this one I don't manage to accept and float yet and still feel terrified.

I do hope it will get better soon 🙏

 

Thank you @sunnysideup69 for mentionning my need of rest.

I think I am having issues to accept that I'm dependant as I live with my family and don't 

But you're right, doubting and fearing won't change the process  ! 

I am so happy to know you're feeling better, so well deserved my friend !

 

@wantrelief : I'm not sur I'll manage to explain cardiac coherency in English, here is the book I read :

https://www.amazon.fr/Heart-coherence-365-lasting-English-ebook/dp/B00LB6RYJW

It is supposed to help the nervous system and lower cortisol.

I practice it 3x/day since 1 month now, I haven't noticed a différence but at least I focus on my breath at least 3 times a day 😉

 

Thank you, as always ❤

[Sebas]

30 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

I'm going through a hard spike since a few days with high anxiety, poor sleep, and painfull body tension, also feeling disconnected in a thick fog.

So, even if I'm talking about a ridiculously small drop (0.5%), I've decided to hold longer.

Plus, after hesitating during months because the memory of acute is way too hot even one year after my bridge, I finally registered to get my pfizer shot soon

Personally i am waiting for full stabilisation before getting the Pfizer shot. It may affect WD since CNS is not stable yet. Being at home most of the time will in my opinion minimalise the risk of a covid infection. But do whatever feels comfortable for yourself.

 

Are you still taking diazepam? Au revoir

[getofflex]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a spike right now, Erell.  I think you are wise to hold at this time.  I didn't have any problems at all with my COVID19 vaccine. I took the Johnson and Johnson, so hopefully you won't have any issues with yours.  Hang in there my friend.  

[arbor]

Thinking of you, @Erell🕊️

Arbor

[Rosetta]

Me, too

[Erell]

Thank you @arbor and @Rosetta for your sweet thoughts, they always warm my heart ☀️

 

I don't interact much these days because I have nothing new to add, still pretty much the same Groundhog Day, and been through quite a deep black depressed hole this summer.

I have always been more prone to anxiety than depression so it was quite destabilising. 

 

I think I'm getting gradually out of this strange black hole.

Not really celebrating as I fell back into my usual anxiety/agoraphobia, dizziness, crazy intrusive thoughts, DR,...

Well my usual WD package.

 

I rely a lot on Success Stories.

As I never suffered from these crazy thoughts or impulses, nor this weird agoraphobia and sensitivity, I rely on Success stories to keep believing that it will get better as time passes.

 

Funny thing about this intense depressed wave is that it allowed me to get my Moderna shot.

I was avoiding vaccination since months because I was too irrationnaly terrified about possibly jumping into akathisia or loosing control.

But while feeling hugely depressed, when my family insisted to send me to the vax center, I just said yes because I didn't care about anything anymore. 

It went well : a sore arm during 48h, a tired, feeling sick and foggy second day, but that's all !

 

And well now I'm left with two nice results : I got my first shot AND I saw that my body was able to handle things better than I thought (and that's huge for me !)

 

Sometimes a negative experience can actually turn into a positive outcome ☺

Somehow, I can and want to thank this dark hole because it has brought something new, a new step.

 

(I will report in the appropriate thread after I'll get my second shot).

 

I'm also starting to get online classes : I have issues to focus and I don't feel like I'm managing to learn very well, but I feel the need to flood my mind with new knowledges to extract my mind from WD and how much my life has changed in every ways since 2019.

It is also a way to try to project myself gradually in the future.

 

 

Well dear friends, that's all for today.

Thank you again ❤ I don't interact much lately, but I come here and think of all dear survivors everyday ❤

Hang on people ☀️

 

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Erell

[wantrelief]

It is always good to hear from you, lovely Erell. I am always so impressed with your ability to move forward despite how you are feeling.  That is wonderful you went and got through your first Covid vaccine as well as trying out some classes.  I really admire and respect you. It will all be different someday.  I know it doesn't feel that way at all but it will. 💜 WR 

[Heath]

@Erell Glad you are starting to come out of that dark place! And happy you got through the vaccine! I got my first modernna vaccine 5 days ago . Same as you - sore arm and feel crappy for a few days. 
stay strong and hang in there !

[Shep]

18 hours ago, Erell said:

Funny thing about this intense depressed wave is that it allowed me to get my Moderna shot.

I was avoiding vaccination since months because I was too irrationnaly terrified about possibly jumping into akathisia or loosing control.

But while feeling hugely depressed, when my family insisted to send me to the vax center, I just said yes because I didn't care about anything anymore. 

It went well : a sore arm during 48h, a tired, feeling sick and foggy second day, but that's all !

 

And well now I'm left with two nice results : I got my first shot AND I saw that my body was able to handle things better than I thought (and that's huge for me !)

 

Sometimes a negative experience can actually turn into a positive outcome ☺

Somehow, I can and want to thank this dark hole because it has brought something new, a new step.

 

You're brilliant, Erell. I love it when someone is able to turn a symptom into a teacher and a healer and bring so much good out of a symptom that we generally don't view in that light. Very well done! 

[getofflex]

On 8/13/2021 at 10:53 AM, Erell said:

I think I'm getting gradually out of this strange black hole.

Oh I'm so glad!  @Erellyou are one of the strongest most courageous people I have ever met.  I deeply admire your endurance and determination.  

 

On 8/13/2021 at 10:53 AM, Erell said:

Sometimes a negative experience can actually turn into a positive outcome ☺

Somehow, I can and want to thank this dark hole because it has brought something new, a new step.

What a fantastic attitude.  You are seeing the silver lining of a dark cloud.  

 

Please hang on, Erell.  This will go away eventually.  I've been at it since 2017.  I'm really happy your shot did not give you any major problems!  Keep up the good work.  You are an inspiration to me, you truly are.  

[sunnysideup69]

Very happy to read your jab didn't mess you up @Erell, that's a huge positive. Sending lots of love and good wishes.

[getofflex]

@ErellI just wanted you to know that I pray for you every day. I admire your strength and courage through all of this.

[Katy398]

On 8/14/2021 at 1:53 AM, Erell said:

Funny thing about this intense depressed wave is that it allowed me to get my Moderna shot.

I was avoiding vaccination since months because I was too irrationnaly terrified about possibly jumping into akathisia or loosing control.

But while feeling hugely depressed, when my family insisted to send me to the vax center, I just said yes because I didn't care about anything anymore

@Erellthis made me smile, exactly the same thing happened to me. I too was in a ‘wave’ and thought, I just don’t care, what’s the worst that can happen.  Now I’m also vaccinated!!!!
Hang on in there Erell, little by little we’ll get there. It’s slow, we all know that but every day is progress. I imagine my brain healing 24 hours a day every day just like a cut on my finger. I don’t think the body  takes a break from healing. I think we can slow the healing process down with, negative thoughts/ alcohol/caffeine/ sugar etc etc etc but I still think it’s healing slowly. So hang on in there, let it  do it’s thing, feed and nourish your body as best you can to help speed up that healing process. Take care. 🧡

[Cheeky]

5 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Erellthis made me smile, exactly the same thing happened to me. I too was in a ‘wave’ and thought, I just don’t care, what’s the worst that can happen.  Now I’m also vaccinated!!!!

This is so funny, I thought the same and just got my vaccination shot, I feel sh*tty anyway .

[Erell]

Hello dear community,

 

Thank you for all the support you show : it's funny how you seem to see me as a strong person while I feel the opposite.

The fact that you see strenght in me and are confident in my ability to heal is huge : THANK YOU ❤

 

I wanted to make a little update this morning  : nothing really new to add but it feels nice to share such a lonely journey with people who understand.

 

I've made a 0.04mg drop 15 days ago : I'm not stabilised from my Prozac bridge 16 months ago, but I feel the need to be free from these drugs, I made the choice to start a turtle taper.

 

I also am dealing with something that you might understand well : how to heal the past traumas while dealing with WD.

WD highlights the darkest sides of my life, and I have identified several traumas or personality traits I need to work on.

I often wonder if working on these things could help my CNS to stabilise, but in the meantime I feel like what I'm living is already too much and this is not the good time.

 

I've read many times on SA that WD is not a good time to work on past traumas, and I agree, at least at the stage I am in, my CNS is already shaken. I've read a lot about EMDR, and I want to try it one day, but it sounds way too harsh for now.

And, perhaps, these traumas sound particularly intense because of WD, and things might feel easier (that's my hope) once WD will be out of the picture.

 

Yet, while in WD, you have to find an equilibrium and that's particularly complex. 

I mean, I know that I've spent my life controling everything, avoiding emotions and not showing them.

I know I need to unlearn this, yet I'm in WD and I don't know what is WD and what is true emotion, is it my inner child talking or is it just neuroemotion from a CNS in fire ?

Plus, the one time in my life that I expressed my feelings, I've been put on meds and "psychiatrised" : how can one feel safe to express emotions after that ?

We can be vulnerable and dismissed in WD, so it often feels safer to hide and mask to not take the risk to loose control on our lives.

And with some symptoms, like intrusive thoughts/impulses, I can't bear the idea of "releasing control".

 

 

I don't know if my post makes sense, or if you know what I mean, it reflects my current thoughts.

 

I'll probably work with a therapist one day, but for now, when I've tried, people urge me to take medication. Better to wait

 

It feels like, currently, best I can do is practice grounding tips, try my best to feel safe, and remain patient and hopeful that my body can heal from WD, even if I don't work on traumas. And that one day I'll feel safe again 🙏

 

Thank you deeply for helping me in that process ❤

 

Sending much healing vibes to all dear survivors ☀️

[mstimc]

Hi Erell.  What a brave and hope-filled post!  Bless you!  FWIW, I did EMDR during WD and, although it was traumatic, it did help me address the root causes of my anxiety/OCD.  I struggled quite a bit during the EMDR and counseling process, but looking back it was beneficial for me to confront my behaviors.  I, too, didn't want to let go of what I thought was "control" but now I see it was a way for me to hang on to my "safe' anxious behaviors--they at least were something I knew, as opposed to the frightening idea of letting go and suffering some terrible catastrophe.  I eventually learned it was these thoughts that were keeping me trapped in the anxiety/OCD cycle.  I can't recommend EMDR one way or the other, but its clear from your post you don't want to settle for the way you're feeling now.   You are strong and you know better than anyone else what the right path is for you right now.  Be kind to yourself and trust your inner strength! 

[Cheeky]

@Erell I think your stronger then what you think. You are going through so much and have such resilience . You will get there and you deserve it. Keep going strong you make me push through reading your posts . 
 

I wish you well🌈

[getofflex]

8 hours ago, Erell said:

it's funny how you seem to see me as a strong person while I feel the opposite.

Often others see things in us that we cannot see in ourselves.  I see you as a strong person myself. 

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

I also am dealing with something that you might understand well : how to heal the past traumas while dealing with WD.

I'm in the very same situation myself.  

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

I often wonder if working on these things could help my CNS to stabilise, but in the meantime I feel like what I'm living is already too much and this is not the good time.

Yes, it's definitely a balancing act.  What I do, is that when emotions from the trauma come up in me, I find non drug ways to express these emotions in safe ways, and then I see if I need to do anything about them.  Most often, I find I just need to express and then release them.  I'm blessed in that I have a couple of people I'm close to that I can talk to about this things - my husband and a very close friend.  When this happens, I usually feel very tired that day, but then the next day I feel much better.  

 

Journaling is a very helpful way to express emotions, as is crying.  For anger, punching pillows, scribbling very hard with pencil on a large paper tablet, writing an angry letter to the person but not sending it, instead burning it, or tearing it up. Another thing is to write the persons name you are angry at, tape it to the bottom of your shoe, and then stomp your feet.  These are ways therapists in the past have helped me.  

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

I know I need to unlearn this, yet I'm in WD and I don't know what is WD and what is true emotion, is it my inner child talking or is it just neuroemotion from a CNS in fire ?

I've often wondered this myself.  I've decided that it is a combination of the two, at least, for me it is.  I feel that the emotions are real emotions, but that they are amplified by WD.  

 

8 hours ago, Erell said:

Plus, the one time in my life that I expressed my feelings, I've been put on meds and "psychiatrised" : how can one feel safe to express emotions after that ?

I know.  Just don't express them to any doctor or psychiatrist.  

 

I'm glad to hear that you are doing OK now.  I always look forward to reading your posts.   I love you and just want the best for you.  🌻

 

 

 

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

You are very brave to endure the suffering of WD while you wait to stabilise.  
I know what you mean about needing to be off the drugs and even small reductions give back a little control. 
 

You may not even need to re visit the past once healing is evident but I understand the need to address past events during the process. It’s another WD symptom I’m sure.  
 

keep going, a time will come when progress will be evident.

X