Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

Hello,

 

Thank you @mstimc, @getofflex, @Longroadhome and @Cheeky for your greatly appreciate support ❤

 

Thank you for sharing your experience about dealing with WD and trauma.

Like you Mstimc, some survivors share the fact that working on traumas has helped during WD process.

It tempts me, but also feels like everything is mixed and amplified with WD.

 

I see it as a really complex subject : it feels like my CNS is already very activated and needs grounding and calming selfcare, and working on the past only activates it more. Like adding fuel to a fire.

In the meantime, trauma is complex and a kind of a "vicious circle" in WD : since yesterday I wake up with an intensity of cortisol spikes, an intensity that I thought was over now.

This event in itself reactivates WD trauma and the memory of extreme states like during acute.

So WD itself is trauma, and one needs to find ways to work on this "fear-response" to WD trauma.

Or perhaps it fades naturaly as healing occur ? 
I don't know 😅

 

I, like you, getofflex try to release with tools like journaling, whether it is WD or emotions from the past (I often don't know).

Cry if my body needs to cry, trying to find safe places, whether they are imaginary or real.

 

I feel like I don't find my words easily this morning so I'll stop here.

Perhaps WD is just amplifying everything, telling me that I'm not doing enough, or that I NEED TO DO SOMETHING NOW  

 

I wanted to thank you, and reach out while going through difficult days : the weird painful physical anxiety is boiling through my vein and I'm feeling very shaky and unsafe.

Feeling very vulnerable right now.

 

And I dream of a day where I'll need an alarm to wake up...that sounds wonderful ! 🙄

 

Probably need to re-read my favorite Success Stories and remain my brain that all of this is only temporary ☀️

Here is my little gift to anyone needing this today : 

☼-irishwill-2015-extremely-positive-and-long-overdue-update/

 

 

Have a nice day 🌱

 

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Erell

[Longroadhome]

I’m smiling at the thought of having to use an alarm clock .  Never again will my heart drop when that bell ⏰  wakes me from a blissful sleep 💤 

Xx

cant wait for the day I need to wind it up .. lol 

[arbor]

Dear @Erell

 

Your post speaks so eloquently.  Thanks you for expressing it.  Among the observations you share, these stand out to me today:

7 hours ago, Erell said:

So WD itself is trauma

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

trauma is complex and a kind of a "vicious circle"

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

one needs to find ways to work on this "fear-response" to WD trauma.

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

Perhaps WD is just amplifying everything, telling me that I'm not doing enough, or that I NEED TO DO SOMETHING NOW

Your willingness to find a reflective space separate to the syndrome inspires me to continue.  Thank you with all my heart.

Arbor🙏

[brassmonkey]

To choose to do nothing is an active decision, making it actually doing something. 

 

Hope the translation program gets that one right. One of the hardest concepts of ADWD recovery is the idea that we can't be actively doing something to improve the situation all the time. For the most part ADWD recovery is a waiting game where the opponent is always screaming at you to do something, when there really isn't anything to be done. Accepting the fact that you are doing everything possible, even if it means doing nothing, goes a long ways to calming the situation. 

 

The constant feeling that you need to do something is a form of Spiral Thinking like I talked about in the article Dealing With Emotional Spirals. It can be controlled, for the most part, by practicing AAF. Acknowledging and Accepting the situation and then getting on with things despite the anxiety, depression and such can really help. It is hard, but really works with practice.

 

The same goes for the trauma of ADWD. We are in this position, we are doing all we can to deal with it, now we just have to let it get better. And once we have survived it, in fact with every small or large wave we pass through, we will be so much stronger the next thing we have to face will be made easier.

 

You are doing such an amazing job of getting through this @Erell. I am impressed every time I read one of your posts.

[Erell]

On 8/30/2021 at 10:20 AM, Longroadhome said:

I’m smiling at the thought of having to use an alarm clock .  Never again will my heart drop when that bell ⏰  wakes me from a blissful sleep 💤 

Xx

cant wait for the day I need to wind it up .. lol 

 

Right ? I like to think that we will never take anything for granted anymore, WD is a kind of a coach (a hard one for sure) who teaches us to cherish.

In the meantime...can't wait to be grumpy because I overslept ! 😉

 

On 8/30/2021 at 10:25 PM, brassmonkey said:

You are doing such an amazing job of getting through this @Erell. I am impressed every time I read one of your posts.

Thank you for this Brassmonkey, deeply ❤ When you're in a state that involve being poorly operational in daily life, it can be hard to remember that we are already doing a great job by just surviving and remaining patient.

And you're probably right : I may have been in a Spiral Thinking lately, being obsessed by the subject of trauma and wondering constantly if I need to work on trauma (like with EMDR for example) in order to recover from WD. I need to remember that we do heal from WD, no matter what, and that I'm already doing enough. I tend to easily forget that my Paxil WD syndrome will heal with time, no matter what I do.

Thank you for having shared your thoughts with me.

 

Well dear friends, today we have a beautiful sun here and a lot of birds singing : I share this beautiful moment with you all and hope it will bring you some peace ☀️🌱

 

Edited September 5, 2021 by Erell

[mstimc]

52 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well dear friends, today we have a beautiful sun here and a lot of birds singing : I share this beautiful moment with you all and hope it will bring you some peace ☀️🌱

And peace to you on this beautiful Sunday, mon ami.  Its so wonderful you're able to see you're keeping perspective and seeing the blessings in life.  You will recover, and being kind to yourself is the best thing for you right now.  Have a great day!

[getofflex]

On 8/30/2021 at 3:25 PM, brassmonkey said:

One of the hardest concepts of ADWD recovery is the idea that we can't be actively doing something to improve the situation all the time. For the most part ADWD recovery is a waiting game where the opponent is always screaming at you to do something, when there really isn't anything to be done. Accepting the fact that you are doing everything possible, even if it means doing nothing, goes a long ways to calming the situation. 

@brassmonkey, this is brilliant.  Can I have permission to use this quote at times when helping other members?  

[getofflex]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Thank you for this Brassmonkey, deeply ❤ When you're in a state that involve being poorly operational in daily life, it can be hard to remember that we are already doing a great job by just surviving and remaining patient.

@ErellI probably sounds like a broken record, but you are truly an inspiration to me.  You are able to maintain such a positive attitude and so much compassion for your fellow WD sufferers in spite of going through a tough time yourself.  I'm honored to be part of such a strong and wise group of people here. 

[wantrelief]

7 hours ago, Erell said:

it can be hard to remember that we are already doing a great job by just surviving and remaining patient.

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

I need to remember that we do heal from WD, no matter what, and that I'm already doing enough. I tend to easily forget that my Paxil WD syndrome will heal with time, no matter what I do.

I think you hit the nail on the head (hopefully that translates ok) with both of these statements, Erell - really beautifully said!

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

Well dear friends, today we have a beautiful sun here and a lot of birds singing : I share this beautiful moment with you all and hope it will bring you some peace ☀️🌱

It sounds like a really lovely day there.  I hope you are feeling some peace today with the warmth of sun on your face.  💖

[brassmonkey]

@getofflex-- please feel free to spread the word. Anything that I have posted on the site is available tor reposting on the site, just be mindful of the context. If you want to repost things off site drop me a PM.

[gentlehermione]

2 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I think you hit the nail on the head (hopefully that translates ok) with both of these statements, Erell - really beautifully said!

 

@Erell

hit the nail on the head = taper dans le mille

 

Very inspiring - thank you!

[brassmonkey]

Because ADWD is a very major life changing experience it is not a good idea to throw other major life changing experiences in on top of it.  In general it is not a good time to deep analysis of past traumas and making major life changes.

 

Personal relationships are a big point of contention and a good general example. Our ADWD is extremely hard on those around us. It will show who our true friends are, which will sometimes be quite surprising. But just because things are rough at the moment does not make it a good time to decide to end a relationship of many years. Our intense and often misinterpreted feelings can override our good sense. I've seen too many members decide on divorce from a partner of many years because they were not feeling the love anymore and didn't want to be a burden. (Spiral thinking and anhedonia talking) Only to realize after a few more months of healing that it was a huge mistake.

 

Personal relationships is only one example. Moving house, quitting jobs, giving up children, anything that requires a clear headed decision needs to be carefully thought through, put on the shelf, revisited, shelved, revisited and then waited on. Sometimes our hand is forced by outside influences, but if the decision is up to us we need to wait.

 

Revisiting past traumas is similar. Personal analysis can be quite a painful process and at the moment we are in about the worse mental state we will ever experience. How can we possibly make sense of something that happened years ago when we can't  even remember yesterday clearly. Facing old traumas has very little place in ADWD. During this time the drugs are literally burning away our emotions, hopes and dreams, why not let them burn away those past traumas. What ever they were, they are in the past, they can't hurt us any more and are hampering our recovery. Letting go of the past is much easier than trying to understand it, justify it and twist it to our own way of thinking.

 

Through ADWD we are being given a second chance to build our life the way it needs to be. Past traumas fall under the heading of ruminating thoughts and can be handled in the same manner. Yes they were very upsetting and as time goes on we can pick away at them little by little as the opportunity presents itself. But to face major pain full on while dealing with other major pain and shear survival is not a good idea. It detracts from what has to be done to get through the day, stirs the pot and adds a lot of distraction that we don't need, and wastes energy we can't spare.

 

A major part of ADWD recovery is rediscovering the joy of life. The colors of a sunset, shapes of the clouds, a cool breeze, the flicker of candle light, the touch of a pets fir, the taste of toast and jam. The list of small beautiful things is endless if we let ourselves see them, and the more we pay attention to them the more they will show themselves. Past traumas don't add joy, so there is no need to invite them back in. Let them burn with the rest and be done with them.

[Erell]

Thank you deeply @mstimc, @wantrelief, @getofflex, @brassmonkey : your comments helped me to realise that I've been quite rough with myself lately, and obsessive, without realising that I was stuck in a typical Spiral thinking.

Reading you I realise how much I've been obsessed this summer by the idea that I was "not doing enough", "should be able to do more" and "have a lot of work to do to heal" .

Reality is : I'm already doing my best, practicing selfcare and grounding tips everyday, eating healthy homecooked meals, walking gently in nature, forcing myself when I feel I can and using distraction when I feel overwhelmed,...

I think I face here a classical "acceptance issue" and instead of acceptance, my mind kept on telling me that I needed to do trauma work or whatever have the word "work" to improve. And that if I still go through WD it's only my fault for not doing enough.

 

Damn, writing it down I realise how bad I talk to my own self !

Thank you for helping to realise all this, I'm really grateful to this community ❤

 

 

And, here is my gift today for those who tend to think, like me, that there are not trying enough : I had forgot the existence of this amazing Success Story that echoes very well !

 

success-lossleaders-recovery-from-protracted-zoloft-withdrawal-and-pssd/

 

Peace and healing wishes to all ❤☀️

 

[Erell]

Hello dear community,

 

I come here today in quite a vulnerable state and looking for some support from people who understand.

I got my second Moderna shot 10 days ago, and while the first one was uneventful, this one brought some destabilisation.

 

The flu-like symptoms and fever faded after 48h, but since I'm in hard place : I won't do an unnecessary list of symptoms, let's just say that it feels like a shaky-restless-terror setback.

My "wd-normal" baseline was not great before, but this feels like getting back into a harder place.

 

So here I am, feeling very unsafe and looking for some comforting words from friends who knows what it's like to face such intense symptoms.

I know that this kind of event can destabilise us, so I expect it to be temporary, but you know how it can feel hopeless and never-ending during spikes like this and when you feel like you're back to square one.

 

So I'm very open to support if some of you are ok to share ❤

 

Sending hugs to all ☀️

 

(Please, no controversy about vaccination on this thread, this is not the subject, this is just the message of someone going through a hard time and needing support)

 

 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Erell

[mstimc]

Bonjour, Erell

 

Please know I am sending you positive thoughts from Portugal!  You are so right, although temporary any destabilizing event can seem devastating.  But it is temporary and will pass with time and self-compassion.  It may seem like you've fallen back to square one,  but you have made real progress that no temporary situation can take away. Your courage in dealing with WD every day will see you through this time as well.  Things will get better!

[Aquarius]

An analogy..Withdrawal is like sliding down a bottomless pit into the unknown and uncertainty you feel lost defeated and scared..then you knock into something it's someone's hand you grab hold for dear life ..you look up and there are hands everywhere you grab one and keep going upwards taking another hand ..as you go up you find an inner strength to keep going with all the support around you the hands supporting you and lifting you up giving you the strength to make it to the top ...you will get there ..you are strong and you have support you are not alone...❤

[Cheeky]

@Erell I know that when your feeling this bad your thoughts are distressing and you feel you won’t come out, the good news is you will and this is only temporary. You have to ride this through, your never alone we are all there with you . ❤️

[getofflex]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I got my second Moderna shot 10 days ago, and while the first one was uneventful, this one brought some destabilisation.

@ErellI'm so very sorry about this.  It could be that there are other destabilizing factors going on right now too, and this shot was just enough to tip the scales.  I became destabilized after both of my Shingrix vaccines, and interestingly enough, it was 10 days after each one that I felt the symptoms.  

 

I know it must be very discouraging and disheartening to have this setback.  

3 hours ago, Erell said:

it feels like a shaky-restless-terror setback.

 

🙁  I'm sad and my heart goes out to you.  I  know how uncomfortable this can be.  Please know that eventually, this is going to sort itself all out.  

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I know that this kind of event can destabilise us, so I expect it to be temporary, but you know how it can feel hopeless and never-ending during spikes like this and when you feel like you're back to square one.

Ah, yes, it can certainly feel like we are back to square one.  However, I believe it is your neuro fear and neuro anxiety telling you this.  Please try not to believe this thought.  I want to reassure you - after each of my Shingrix shots I went into a wave, but the wave was much shorter than the acute early WD of my early tapering.  Just realize that lots of healing has been going on for you behind the scenes, even though you have not felt well in a long time.  It is very scary when we are working so hard to recover, and then something like this just seems to knock us right back.  It feels out of control, and that can be scary.  Try and tell yourself over and over, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.  Because it will.  

 

I'm going to thinking of you and praying for you every day!  🌻

[wantrelief]

Hello dear Erell,

 

I am so sorry you are going through what I would call a wave within a wave.  Keep courageously hanging on as you have been and you will get through it, this will pass. 

 

I am a member of Baylissa Frederick's site and she sends an affirmation everyday and today's is perfect for you: "You are much stronger than you realize".  💜

[Erell]

Thank you all, I will answer correctly later, but wanted to express my gratitude : "This too shall pass" and "I am much stronger than I realise" 🙏❤

 

Ok, back to read quotes on a woo-woo blog (that's how you say in English, right ?). I'm not a woowoo person, but on days like these I can spend hours reading inspirationnal quotes !

 

Take care

[Heath]

@Erell I am with you on that second vaccine shot 🥴🙄. Good gosh felt awful. I think I had a little wave with stomach pain 3 week ago then 10 days after that 2 nd moderna shot . Yep about 48 hrs of crappie feeling. Hang on only temporary! We can do it woohoo yeehah 💪

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

i agree with @getofflex it could be there are other destabilising factors going on within and may not have anything to do with the Moderna shot. 
our bodies go through many changes during WD snd it may not be associated  with anything you did or didn’t do at the time.
We all look for a reason when there may not be one. 
@wantrelief mentioned a wave within a wave and this is what it sounds like. 
You will find that after a while you won’t look for a reason . It becomes irrelevant and you will face this challenge much the same as you have faced the ones you’ve left behind. 
With courage snd determination. 
Keep going

You are healing 

Get up and face the day like you have all the yesterdays and like you will all the tomorrows and you will heal x 

 

[Hanna72]

Dear friend @Erell

I came in here to to tell you, that you are already a survivor!!

You have incredible courage and strength. You need to give yourself some credit and see how remarkable you are. 

On 9/8/2021 at 11:57 AM, Erell said:

Damn, writing it down I realise how bad I talk to my own self !

This is so important, how we talk to ourselves in our head. 
Changing your thought pattern and being your own motivation and your best friend is really important. I also struggle with this one. 
 This can be changed with shifting your thinking pattern. 
When ever you criticise or think you are not at the place where you wish you were at, never forget how far you have come. 
Because even though sometimes we feel that we are at square one, we are not!!

All your hard work is paying off, and remember good things happen slowly. 

All of us in here have different strategies to survive this journey. 
For me I have found that shifting my goal from “getting off the meds “ to “strengthen my nervous system “ has helped me a lot. As long as I do not obsess about this process and “obsess” about other goals, I am starting to have the wd in the back ground, and it automatically lessens my anxiety and fear off this journey, cause I am too busy focusing on other goals. 

Nothing is perfect and there is no one size fits all during this, but one thing is for sure, you are more then capable to reach every goal you want and you have all the skills to achieve greatness in your life. That’s just the person you already have with in you.

 

“No matter how much it hurts you, someday you will look back and realise that your struggles changed your life for the better “

 

My best wishes to you, you can do this Erell 💕


 

 

 

 
 

[Katy398]

Hi @Erell

Just checking in to see how you’re doing. WD, Jab, the lot. Take care X

[Erell]

5 hours ago, Katy398 said:

Hi @Erell

Just checking in to see how you’re doing. WD, Jab, the lot. Take care X

 

Hello Katy398, 

 

Thank you for your thought, you're very sweet.

Thank you also @Hanna72, your words are always very uplifting !

Well, I'm hanging in there, doing my best as all survivors here
The second shot shaked me, and my period came right at the same time (early), so it's been an intense two weeks! 

I think I'm gradually coming back to my usual baseline, which is not a very good place to be, but a bit easier.

 

It might sound a bit silly as every journey is unique, but as it's been 18 months since I made a too fast taper off Paxil in order to bridge to Prozac, I somehow hang on to all the testimonies of people who report that they started to see progress or having windows around 2 years.
I know that we can't put specific timeframe on this unpredictable journey, but this two year span does seem to provide some growth for many, so I tell myself : "well, if there is even a 1% chance that I will feel better in 6 months or live a window, there is no way I will let this chance pass and I will hang on !".
Silly or not, the two years timeframe is a kind of a surviving strategy of my mind to face the Groundhog days.

 

Oh and I found a website that helps me to learn acceptance : https://anxietynomore.co.uk/how-to-stop-ruminating-about-how-you-feel/ .
The author talks about stop fighting, stop resisting, stop compulsively looking for "magic tips". If you're reading this and struggle like me with acceptance, I find that his simple words somehow help me to learn to put it in practice.

Hope everyboy is hanging in there, sending all my best wishes to all amazing survivors here ! 🧡

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by Erell

[Hanna72]

Dear @Erell

Thank you for dropping by my thread with your kind words💕

 

I wanted to briefly stop by yours, as we both struggle with anxiety.

I like the website you have found, it is so important to learn how not to get stuck in the loop of anxiety thoughts, and thank you for sharing 🙏

 

What I have done lately and it might help you is, that I am trying to reprogram my thinking patterns and break loose from my identity with anxiety. Before I would obsess about my anxiety and all the sensations that come along with it. What I do now I shift my thoughts to “obsess “ about when I feel calm, and tell myself…wow you are becoming so calm. When I feel an anxious feeling arising, I literally put a smile on my face and say… oh that’s nothing but an old pattern and it will not hurt me. And shift my thinking right way to other things. I also like taking in a few deep breaths every day, since it is proven to calm and strengthen our nervous system. 
There is so much information and practices out there to help us with anxiety, and I am sure you will find a way that will help you out. 
These thinking patterns have been with us for so long, it takes time for all new good habits to get restored in our minds.

Here is a quote I love and I am sending it your way

 

”Not all storms come

to disrupt your life,

some come to clear 

your path” 

 

Hugs my friend 💕

[Heath]

6 hours ago, Erell said:

Oh and I found a website that helps me to learn acceptance : https://anxietynomore.co.uk/how-to-stop-ruminating-about-how-you-feel/ .
The author talks about stop fighting, stop resisting, stop compulsively looking for "magic tips". If you're reading this and struggle like me with acceptance, I find that his simple words somehow help me to learn to put it in practice.

 

 

Erel glad you are feeling better! I too hit a little wave a month getting better! 
you post about anxiety no more brought up old memories. I studied that alot before finding SA! Also One other good one is https://anxietycycle.weebly.com/blog/archives/09-2016. Her name is Katcogs. Both sites are healing anxiety naturally. Both sites Very good stuff! I too struggle with obsessive anxiety , negative loops, and spirals in withdrawal and tapper . Getting better at catching it with experience and practice🙄.
Katecogs told me once even though the anxiety experience feels bad and we don’t want to be there, embrace it as a way to learn and desinsatize yourself. Because unfortunately the only way to ultimately stop the bad feeling (fear) we have in anxiety is to go through it and feel it and learn.  Don’t run from it. she talks about having anxiety about having anxiety !  And then like you said we run around try to fix it with a magic bullet creating more anxiety! 
 

Hang on 💪

[getofflex]

13 hours ago, Erell said:

I think I'm gradually coming back to my usual baseline, which is not a very good place to be, but a bit easier.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better, or at least less bad.  

 

13 hours ago, Erell said:

It might sound a bit silly as every journey is unique, but as it's been 18 months since I made a too fast taper off Paxil in order to bridge to Prozac, I somehow hang on to all the testimonies of people who report that they started to see progress or having windows around 2 years.

This is good to know!  I hope and pray that you have a breakthrough soon.  I continue to pray for you, and send you positive thoughts!   

[Erell]

Hello dear friends,

 

Thank you very much for your support 💜

 

@Hanna72 @Heath : yes, I think WD taught me to live better with anxiety, I've learnt a lot during this journey. I think I'm doing better than a few months ago at allowing feelings and thoughts to exist without resisting.

A lot of tools that makes me think that once WD will fade, "regular" anxiety will be like a walk in a park.

 

Although I find these lessons harder to apply during intense spikes.

I still go through constant intense symptoms that appeared since my Prozac bridge.

I'm only 18 months into Paxil paws so I'm probably still in early days.

 

My body and mind are just so tired to live in a constant shaky wave, to never have a break with calm. It's like living in a constant panic attack with a lot of derealisation, body pain and sensitivity. I also have lost a lot of weight and muscle, I feel weak.

I keep doing my best and hanging on.

I feel exhausted, but I put hope in the fact that I might start to see some progress in the next few months, perhaps even live a window!

 

Sorry this is not a very positive update. WD can be really hard.

 

I wish a peaceful day to everybody ☀️

[getofflex]

((((((Erell)))))))).  I wish I could do something more to help you.  Yes you are right, WD can be really hard.  

8 hours ago, Erell said:

I think I'm doing better than a few months ago at allowing feelings and thoughts to exist without resisting.

This is a good thing.  I've done this too, and it helps me as well.  

 

Please hang in there.  I continue to pray for you.  

[arbor]

Dear, dear @Erell--

I'm sorry that these drugs are so brutal on us.  I am very grateful to your postings--

Much love,

Arbor

[Rosetta]

((((Erell)))). I remember those days so well, and I’m so very sorry.

[wantrelief]

On 9/30/2021 at 6:40 AM, Erell said:

I think I'm doing better than a few months ago at allowing feelings and thoughts to exist without resisting.

This is really impressive, Erell.  I know it would be really nice not to have to work so hard but this is a wonderful skill that will help you throughout your life.

 

On 9/30/2021 at 6:40 AM, Erell said:

I keep doing my best and hanging on.

You sure do and that is all you've got to do.  One day at a time.

 

My heart and thoughts are with you. 💗

[Sebas]

No matter how mean, longlasting and degrading withdrawl symptoms can be, nothing will beat our perseverance. Nous allons conquérir. 

 

Acceptance, ignoring are very important skills. 

 

If 2nd vaccination caused wd to become worse, that means symptoms were easier to handle before and you were on the right track.

 

Keep putting one foot before the other and positiv mindset.

 

bye 👊👐

[siderale]

Thinking about you Erell, sending lots and lots of love your way, crossing fingers that you get some deserved relief soon. You're so strong, you might be tired of hearing it and I hope you soon get to relax in both your body and mind. You'll get there. 💙

[Altostrata]

Erell 💕