Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Rosetta]

Erell!  You took a nap!  That was a big deal for me.  Yes, you can see improvements from last Summer!!  I’m so pleased for you! - Rosetta

[getofflex]

On 8/10/2022 at 10:42 AM, Erell said:

the fatigue, the heat, the stress of the forest fires (I'm safe, no worries for me, it's just been a constant threat in the region since June) catch up with me and I'm plunged into the whirlwind of neuro-emotions and adrenaline. Feel a bit like in a constant panic attack these days. 

This is tough enough for people to deal with who are not in withdrawal.  It's much more challenging when you are in ADWD.  I can relate, we had extreme rains and flooding here 2 weeks ago, and that put me in a similar situation.  Thankfully I was safe, but the chaos all around me did trigger anxiety and neuro emotions.  

 

On 8/10/2022 at 10:42 AM, Erell said:

Progress that is so gradual, so slow that I don't notice it unless I make the effort to look back a year ago.

How wonderful that you notice the progress!  It's like watching children grow up. You don't see them growing and changing day to day, but when you look at a picture of them from a year ago, you see how much they have grown.  

 

I'm hearing slow and gradual improvements!  This is truly wonderful, and I'm so happy for you, Erell.  You deserve this.  I admire your optimism, strength, and extreme patience in going through this very difficult time.  

 

[brassmonkey]

Each time I read your latest post I can see the improvements, and this one is so much better than the last. I'm so glad you are actually "feeling" the changes. You'll get there.

 

I totally understand the feelings caused by the heat and fires. We have been having temperatures around 38C/100F for some weeks now, with more to come. We are starting to have water rationing, but the fires haven't been as bad this year, probably because they burned up everything last year. Anyway, even if one is in a safe position, they still can cause a lot of anxiety because of the lack of control and the destruction they are causing.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, try to stay cool and safe.

[Shep]

On 8/10/2022 at 11:42 AM, Erell said:

When I describe this progress to my family, I can see that they don't see the importance of it, that nothing seems more natural to them than to do what I describe.

 

Great update, Erell. When you get into the healing phase of your journey, you'll find that you, too, won't see the importance of it. That diving back into the deep waters and swimming strong and fast will seem as natural as if you never got sick and struggled so. 

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

I hear what your saying.

Every day brings different hurdles.
May today be a positive step for you. 
Keep going. 

[Sebas]

Hi Erell 👋,

 

You're doing great under these tough circumstances.

 

We cannot expect 'outsiders' to really feel or understand what we are going through.

 

If you feel like a 4 (or 5) when times before you were a 1 or 2 than even this 4 (or 5) can be very valuable in terms of progress and coping. 

 

I recently talked to my GP when suspension was out of stock. It was a respectful conversation. I invited him and pharmacist though to have the same theory-based conversation again after they personally tried paxil for a couple of months 🤔🤐. 

 

Allez-y doucement.

💪🙋‍♂️

[Erell]

Oh, thank you for your feedback, seeing you see my progress makes it even more real ! ♥

On 8/13/2022 at 10:38 PM, Shep said:

 

Great update, Erell. When you get into the healing phase of your journey, you'll find that you, too, won't see the importance of it. That diving back into the deep waters and swimming strong and fast will seem as natural as if you never got sick and struggled so. 

That sounds wonderful, Shep, thank you for sahring this experience !

 

 

Well, I'm changing the subject, but I think I've put myself in a tricky situation.
So I take 0.95mg of Diazepam in liquid : In my country, the liquid version is a fairly large bottle.
I usually change the bottle every month and a half, even if there is still plenty left (because I seemed to have read once that it could lose its potency after being opened).
This time I kept it open for four months: pharmacists are much stricter these days and they won't dispense another bottle until they feel
the other one is finished. I asked them and the lab, they say the bottle doesn't lose potency once opened and can be used safely for a year.

 

For the last three nights, I've been unable to fall asleep before 3-4 am. I'm lucky, although my nights can be short and restless , in general falling asleep is easy. 
The last three nights it is not the case: for hours, it's as if my brain is fighting against falling asleep, and every time I start to drift off to sleep, my brain struggles and jerks awake. This is new. And during the day I feel weird, a different weird than usual.

The only thing that changed was that I opened a new bottle of Diazepam. I've read this topic :questions-and-answers-about-liquid-medications-use-by-date-expiry/ ; and I wonder if my previous bottle had lost potency and if by opening this new bottle I have just "increased my dose", which my body seems to refuse.

 

Although, I must admit, it seems incredible to me to experience such a strong reaction to such small variations. But my time on SA has taught me that nothing is incredible about these molecules once a nervous system is sensitized.

 

As a result, I find myself a bit stuck: if my previous bottle has indeed progressively lost its potency and over the last four months I have therefore, without realising it, "lowered" my dose, but I don't know how much of my new bottle I need to take to get back the equivalent and avoid a "kindling" effect on my nervous system with this "increase". 

Now that I've made the connection, I feel reluctant to take that diazepam tonight. I think tonight I'll just take 0.85 mg, and see how it goes, but I'll be curious about your experiences in this situation.
 

Wish everyone a nice day ♥

 

[Sebas]

I'm also curious about how long a liquid solution can be used safely. Paxil suspension says 1 month but i'd rather use some time longer.

 

Think your analyses and strategy are on point, perhaps first lower down to 0.9, experience for a couple of days and then you can always go even lower. The smoother the better.  

 

Stay calm, bye Sebas

[Shep]

4 hours ago, Erell said:

As a result, I find myself a bit stuck: if my previous bottle has indeed progressively lost its potency and over the last four months I have therefore, without realising it, "lowered" my dose, but I don't know how much of my new bottle I need to take to get back the equivalent and avoid a "kindling" effect on my nervous system with this "increase". 

 

Erell, if you're going to stay on diazepam for the duration of your Prozac taper, you may want to switch to diazepam tablets, which can be prescribed by a targeted number of pills (unlike that large bottle of liquid) and likely will have a longer expiration date. 

 

That won't help you with the current situation, but might be something to consider for the long game. 

 

Diazepam is a benzo that many people find they can taper using a scale because it's not as potent as most other benzos. Or you can make your own liquid with the pills. 

 

Just a thought. I know doctors are stingy with benzos and being able to get new bottles of liquid regularly sounds like it may be an ongoing problem with your current doctor. 

 

For now, you could make a slight decrease, but I wouldn't decrease more than 10% of what you're currently taking. Because of diazepam's long half-life of up to 200 hours (8 days), it may be a week or so before withdrawal symptoms show up. 

 

Please let us know how you're doing over the coming days. 

[Erell]

Thank you Sebas and Shep, it is very generous of you to give me your opinion.

I'm not really panicking, instead at this stage I feel quite stupid. 
 

1 hour ago, Shep said:

Erell, if you're going to stay on diazepam for the duration of your Prozac taper

 

I was focused on prozac, but with these issues I'm wondering if maybe it might be better if I dedicated myself once and for all to this taper from diazepam in order to get rid of it ( still slowly and gradually) so that I can then concentrate only on the prozac taper for the next few years, considering I'm on a low dose of diazepam (0.95mg) that never seemed to help, plus the fact that I feel the tide is turning for benzodiazepines in my country: in recent months, I have noticed a growing suspicion on the part of professionals towards benzo users, and a tendency to want to stop their prescriptions (of course, without taking into account the withdrawal issues) now that the health authorities are doing prevention regarding the risk of dependancy. 

 

I'm going to do a 10% drop tonight and see how it goes in the next few days.

Thank you again ❤️ 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Erell

[souim]

Hi Erell,

 

I really don't know what you should do about the Diazepam situation (maybe dilute it ? wait, not even sure if that makes sense, never mind).

But I was so happy to read your message about the progress you noticed. I totally know what you mean. This slow progress that doesn't seem like a big deal but really is.

I had the same thing recently. I washed my clothes and I didn't have to struggle to do it. I just did it. I used to have such a hard time just dragging myself to the washing machine, or cooking myself a meal. Now it's barely an effort. If I explained that to someone random they'd probably think I'm just super lazy, or stupid, but deep down I know it means I'm healing. (Still have some days when I can't deal with stuff though. Like today, I didn't have the energy to make myself a meal or anything else for that matter. But hey, it happens).

Anyway, I'm so glad you're doing better. Hope it continues. Too bad about the Diazepam, hope you find a solution soon.

Much love

 

[Shep]

21 hours ago, Erell said:

I was focused on prozac, but with these issues I'm wondering if maybe it might be better if I dedicated myself once and for all to this taper from diazepam in order to get rid of it ( still slowly and gradually) so that I can then concentrate only on the prozac taper for the next few years, considering I'm on a low dose of diazepam (0.95mg) that never seemed to help, plus the fact that I feel the tide is turning for benzodiazepines in my country: in recent months, I have noticed a growing suspicion on the part of professionals towards benzo users, and a tendency to want to stop their prescriptions (of course, without taking into account the withdrawal issues) now that the health authorities are doing prevention regarding the risk of dependancy. 

 

I'm going to do a 10% drop tonight and see how it goes in the next few days.

 

Let us know how you're feeling over the coming days. Hopefully just reducing to the level that it offsets the possible updose from the new liquid will bring improvements. 

[Erell]

Hello community, 

I'm a bit overwhelmed and I need to get out what's in my head without someone saying "but you're taking such small doses, it's like you're not taking anything, you could stop tomorrow if you wanted".

But, to protect yourself, you should know that I'm not doing very well and I'm going to vent a bit in this post.

 

I don't even know where to start...

 

On 10 August, I published a post here to report some progress. I was still living with constant symptoms, but intensity was gradually and slowly lessening and the little drops of prozac seemed to help.
But from then on, things went downhill a bit.

On 15 August, I published another post, wondering if I had accidentally "upped" my dose of diazepam by opening a new bottle after using the previous one for 4 months; I had been having unusual symptoms for several days + nights. So I lowered my dose from 0.95mg to 0.85mg.
Things seemed to stagnate a bit, my sleep did improve a bit.

 

But for the last three days, I feel like I'm getting worse. I feel shaky, terrified, I can hardly eat because my muscles are so tense, and I feel the intensity of my symptoms rising as if I were taking a huge leap backwards, a bad trip into the past.

 

So I'm lost, I don't know if my hypothesis with the diazepam was right, if I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms with my 10% drop, and if so, if I should go back up a bit.
But at the same time, the downturn seems to have started before this drop.

 

So I ask myself, what caused this sudden turnaround? Maybe just an ugly wave. But maybe my prozac got hot this summer, because even though I did my best to keep it cool, it was up to 30 degrees inside the house. The leaflet says "no special storage precautions", the pharmacy tells me that this may mean not to exceed 25 degrees (in that case, why not mark it on the leaflet?), and I'm still waiting for an answer from the lab.

 

And so, maybe since August 10th I've been going downhill because my prozac has been affected by the heat?

 

I don't panic and call the pharmacy to order a new bottle, but they tell me that liquid prozac is out of stock in the country, and I spend the rest of the afternoon calling pharmacies. Because I have prozac in stock at home, but I don't know if it's still good with this heat thing...

 

Diazepam, prozac, paxil wd, just a wave... I have no idea what could have caused my condition for the last 15 days, all I know is that all my symptoms and their former intensity have returned and while I was taking online training and applying for jobs in July, I am now reduced to being afraid to leave my room.

 

 

But the worst thing is the feeling of never being able to see the end of it. The impression of going on a rollercoaster ride again without having been able to take a break.

Don't get me wrong, giving up is not an option in my mind. I'm just… overwhelmed, afraid, and tired after three years of struggle.

I feel like I'm doing everything I can to take things seriously, to go through this taper process rigorously, to take care of my nervous system, and to continue working on my selfcare tips, to remain patient despite the passing years and to keep faith in the future and in my ability to overcome all this.

 

But I also wonder how to keep trying to stand up when every time you start to get up it feels like you're being pushed back down again and again.

How do you keep playing the game when new obstacles keep coming up and you haven't had time to recharge lives.

How can you continue to swim if every time you try to come up for air you get your head pressed into the water?

Wow, that's a lot of metaphors and I don't know how good they are. 

The liquid diazepam is out, the liquid prozac is out, I have no idea why my nervous system is back in chaos, what I should do to help it, if I should do anything, and most of all I don't know where to recharge my lives to continue to have the strength to play, because that's what I want.
 

I don't know if anyone will have the courage to read this, or if there is anything to respond to, but I thank you for giving me a space to express it, I think I really needed it today.

I think the trauma of my paxil to prozac bridge is still too strong and therefore the fear of these extreme states too, like a dish that came out of the oven a moment ago but is still too hot to touch.

Wow, another metaphor. A clear indication that I need to stop writing... !

 

Take care dear community, thank you for giving me strenght ❤️ 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2022 by Erell

[Ariel]

Oh dear @Erell

I am so sorry to hear that things are so hard. My heart goes out to you. 

It sounds like such a confusing and destabilizing situation: not knowing whether the liquids have been affected by heat, not feeling in control of one's dosage, and the liquid formulas being out of stock, and all the while you are experiencing difficult, worsening symptoms with no clear picture of why, how, or what to do about it. That's a lot. Anyone would feel overwhelmed, frightened, exhausted, frustrated, distressed by this. 

I'm sorry that I cannot fix this for you, and I really don't have any special insight or wise words to offer. 

All I can say is that you are incredibly brave and so very strong, and you are doing an amazing job getting through this, even if/when it doesn't feel that way to you on the inside. I don't know what it's like to be you. I only know that from my point of view, you are absolutely brilliant and you're doing everything you can, all that there is to do; there's nothing you should be doing that you are not doing. 

Thank you for posting your update and allowing us the opportunity and privilege of offering support. It's really good that you did that. 

You are such a wonderful person, you contribute so much to the community. We cherish your presence and learn so much from your example. 

I believe that healing is happening and that you are on the right path. Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it.

You have come so very far and have already overcome unimaginable challenges on this journey, you have been through so much and persevered. 

All the progress you have made is real, it is not going away, it will not disappear. The healing is real, and you are real and whole inside. 

Even though it can feel so all-encompassing and effectively rule our lived reality while it lasts, WD is superficial and temporary and it will pass. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, Erell. My heart and thoughts are with you. 

I trust your determination, your courage, your fierce intelligence and beautiful, inextinguishable, indefatigable soul -- you will find your way through this, and you will get through. 

In the meantime, please feel free to vent and scream and cry and stomp and throw all the tantrums you want/need! You are certainly justified in doing so. And please be very kind to yourself, treat yourself gentle and do try to eat and drink as best you can (I wish I could come feed you and care for you). 

Holding space for your experience, sending so much love and healing vibes,

A.

[Sebas]

Here's a few general thoughts:

 

I always find some mental releave knowing what caused a sudden wave. So i can explain and understand. If we understand, than we're somewhat in control and a feeling of control reduces anxiety.

 

If you were doing relatively fine at august 10 than thats a good thing just to realise. Recovery should not be very far away. Being aware of this milestone in the near past might help just a little. 

 

From now on store your remaining and future liquid in a cooler environment in the house. 

 

0.85/0.95 is more than a 10% drop (when CNS had already become unstable). Then there's the time frame meaning that certain changes (regarding both "unwanted updose" and taper) need some days or even weeks to manifest themselves in CNS. This may have caused this unwanted wave. 

 

Lets wait and see what others suggest.

 

Bye Sebas

 

 

 

[Ninabird]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

But the worst thing is the feeling of never being able to see the end of it.

You are not alone in how you are feeling. I too feel the same way. When and how will I get to the finish line? 

[mstimc]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

But the worst thing is the feeling of never being able to see the end of it. The impression of going on a rollercoaster ride again without having been able to take a break.

Dear Erell

 

I felt the same way close to end of my taper from Paxil.  It was especially disheartening because I'd hoped such small doses wouldn't cause such a rollercoaster ride of symptoms.  I think our anxious minds exploit the  anticipation of stopping a drug, and the fear of what might happen, and send us into one last downward spiral.  Anxiety needs a sense of fear to survive, and will do anything to keep it alive in your mind.  Try to look past the downward rollercoaster ride to the day you can finally get off the ride altogether.  It will happen!

[Rosetta]

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling, Erell. There is a possibility that the heat is an issue, but I hope this is “just a wave.”  That sounds so dismissive, and I don’t intend to covey that.  A wave can be pretty tough, but the feeling of being trapped and powerless is the real difficulty.  The thought that this is neverending . . . I have had it many times.  All I can say is that you will make it through, and I know that’s not enough.  
 

Sending you a big hug, Rosetta

[wantrelief]

Dearest Erell - I am glad you reached out and expressed how you have been feeling, what has been happening for you. I am so sorry to hear you are in this wave or perhaps better stated as a wave within a wave. I am hoping holding where you are will help but in case you are wanting to try something, perhaps going back up on the diazepam is an option as I am wondering if that somehow threw off your CNS as it is a new step you took in decreasing that recently when you had been decreasing the Prozac....perhaps your brain was used to Prozac decreases and what to expect but decreasing diazepam confused it. I don't know of course but thought I'd put it out there as a possibility.

 

Whatever you decide, I do know that you will come out of this and get back to where you were even if it doesn't feel like it.  I imagine you are feeling exhausted and very frustrated as you have indeed been so so patient doing everything you can to help yourself.  This all takes so much strength and courage and you have that in spades.  Keep holding on, my friend....this will get better.  In the meantime write here as much as you need to....we are here to support you. ❤️

[Longroadhome]

@Erell

 

if it were me I wouldn’t increase I’d hold until it settles. I’m sure it will. You’ve always been very careful with your meds and every aspect of care needed to give yourself the best chance of stabilising. 
 

Many of us have had problems with weather temperatures soaring over the last few weeks and there has been no reports that I know of, of others saying it has effected their dosing?  So, I think probably unlikely it’s this. 
 

My guess is you are sensitive to drops in medication and are noticing the recent decrease in diazepam. The decrease was quite a drop for you and also a tad more than 10% all at once, and only 4 weeks after a decrease  in Prozac. This coupled with symptoms increasing just before, which could well have been to the extreme heat many of us have been experiencing that has caused an increase in symptoms, and I think it has all compounded to exacerbate the problem.  
 

Hold tight it will return to baseline. 
 

 

[Heath]

@Erell I am so sorry!

I read this earlier today and when I got home I started thinking about what you said. 

9 hours ago, Erell said:

But at the same time, the downturn seems to have started before this drop.

These are only my thoughts , I would never want to steer you wrong. I would think the sensitivity to drops , Prozac drop in July and the drop in diazepam is most likely the culprit.  

Could there be any external stresses at play here also ?
 

With me cns sensitivity may not rear it’s ugly head until months after a drop. I would suggest to hold . 
 

You know I struggle with the secondary fear also. So what you are saying really feels familiar. I want to share one thing that helped me in this last wave is after I calmed down some where I could read some in SA - I read back on my intro to a previous wave that I was in and not surprisingly my thoughts and words and descriptions were real close to the same wave I was in this time. I read on in future months where wave passed. 
 

This stopped the negative nuero emotions of what if what should I do how can I live- etc. It helped me to see the truth. “Sensitive nervous system due to tapering “ It helped me differentiate facts from negative fiction. 
 

And as I thought about your post today  I read back on your post on my intro on July 20th. I want to say to you what you said to me! If that makes sense. You and many others here are so good with posting encouraging words! I am not  , sometimes great words escape my brain 🙄. Take heart that if you do go back and read your post on my intro I am only suggesting this in good healing thoughts because it did contribute to my healing. 
💪

[Erell]

I lack energy to answer in detail today, but I thank you for your calm answers. Thank you ❤️

 

The lab called me today and told me that my bottle of fluoxetine should not be over 25 degrees. I asked them to note this information in the package insert... 
I was able to find a "fresh" bottle yesterday and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the stock shortage doesn't last.

I think there is some amount of "secondary fear" here : the sudden intensification of my symptoms without respite + the stock shortages reactivate a kind of trauma and my brain reverts to the horror that followed my paxil to prozac bridge. As if my mind was reliving those awful months of paroxetine shortage and the brutal withdrawal that followed. I don't think I have yet recovered from the memory of those days spent walking and shaking without being able to sit still or eat.

Add to that the fatigue after so long, and I feel overwhelmed.

 

I have no way of knowing, but I tend to think that my little drops of prozac are not in play, they do not exceed 3,15% and are usually followed by some improvement. 
I'm not happy about the idea that this diazepam drop might have triggered this ugly wave. Reading all the information about the lower potency of diazepam compared to other benzos and all the testimonials from people who stopped at 1mg, I felt very cautious about going lower, and I made this choice out of caution but with confidence.

But at least I know that my body will probably need to go much lower before I stop.

 

In any case, I plan to hold everything steady. 

Thank you again, will try to send you hugs in your threads in the next days.

[Greatful]

@Erell  My heart goes out to you Erell.  I know how easy it is to look for reasons any reason to explain what is happening.  Unfortunately we will never know. The are way to many variables.  The one constant thing or theme is that these drugs have changed our brains and now it's trying to find it's  way back.  

I wish I could come up  with some profound encouragement.  Just know that I validate  and can relate to your pain and uncertainty. There is no comprehensible way to understand or explain the way we feel as we go through this. 

You have been through a lot and are still hanging on.  You are an inspiration to me.🌞

One day Erell we will be writing our success stories.❤️ 

 

 

[getofflex]

Hi Erell. I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re going through this nasty wave. I hope that us writing you back and give you the strength and encouragement to keep soldiering on through this awful ordeal.

 

my husband is a registered pharmacist in the United States. I asked him about your liquid Paxil being too hot. He said the proper temperature range for the liquid Prozac is 7.8°C to 30°C. But he said it’s fine if it gets to the upper limit on occasion it won’t hurt it at all. His suggestion was to put the Bottle in a plastic bag and then put it in a water bath with an ice cube or two during the heat of the day each day. That should keep it fine.    
 

My thoughts and prayers are with you as always. You will get through this -just remember altostrata took 11 years to get over the Paxil cold turkey and you will recover too.    

[getofflex]

I also wanted to say that just the heat itself could be affecting you directly. I know that temperature changes and heat can cause people to go into a wave.  That plus the drops in diazepam and Prozac.  

Edited August 26, 2022 by getofflex

[mustafa]

On 8/25/2022 at 6:13 PM, Erell said:

Hello community, 

I'm a bit overwhelmed and I need to get out what's in my head without someone saying "but you're taking such small doses, it's like you're not taking anything, you could stop tomorrow if you wanted".

But, to protect yourself, you should know that I'm not doing very well and I'm going to vent a bit in this post.

 

I don't even know where to start...

 

On 10 August, I published a post here to report some progress. I was still living with constant symptoms, but intensity was gradually and slowly lessening and the little drops of prozac seemed to help.
But from then on, things went downhill a bit.

On 15 August, I published another post, wondering if I had accidentally "upped" my dose of diazepam by opening a new bottle after using the previous one for 4 months; I had been having unusual symptoms for several days + nights. So I lowered my dose from 0.95mg to 0.85mg.
Things seemed to stagnate a bit, my sleep did improve a bit.

 

But for the last three days, I feel like I'm getting worse. I feel shaky, terrified, I can hardly eat because my muscles are so tense, and I feel the intensity of my symptoms rising as if I were taking a huge leap backwards, a bad trip into the past.

 

So I'm lost, I don't know if my hypothesis with the diazepam was right, if I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms with my 10% drop, and if so, if I should go back up a bit.
But at the same time, the downturn seems to have started before this drop.

 

So I ask myself, what caused this sudden turnaround? Maybe just an ugly wave. But maybe my prozac got hot this summer, because even though I did my best to keep it cool, it was up to 30 degrees inside the house. The leaflet says "no special storage precautions", the pharmacy tells me that this may mean not to exceed 25 degrees (in that case, why not mark it on the leaflet?), and I'm still waiting for an answer from the lab.

 

And so, maybe since August 10th I've been going downhill because my prozac has been affected by the heat?

 

I don't panic and call the pharmacy to order a new bottle, but they tell me that liquid prozac is out of stock in the country, and I spend the rest of the afternoon calling pharmacies. Because I have prozac in stock at home, but I don't know if it's still good with this heat thing...

 

Diazepam, prozac, paxil wd, just a wave... I have no idea what could have caused my condition for the last 15 days, all I know is that all my symptoms and their former intensity have returned and while I was taking online training and applying for jobs in July, I am now reduced to being afraid to leave my room.

 

 

But the worst thing is the feeling of never being able to see the end of it. The impression of going on a rollercoaster ride again without having been able to take a break.

Don't get me wrong, giving up is not an option in my mind. I'm just… overwhelmed, afraid, and tired after three years of struggle.

I feel like I'm doing everything I can to take things seriously, to go through this taper process rigorously, to take care of my nervous system, and to continue working on my selfcare tips, to remain patient despite the passing years and to keep faith in the future and in my ability to overcome all this.

 

But I also wonder how to keep trying to stand up when every time you start to get up it feels like you're being pushed back down again and again.

How do you keep playing the game when new obstacles keep coming up and you haven't had time to recharge lives.

How can you continue to swim if every time you try to come up for air you get your head pressed into the water?

Wow, that's a lot of metaphors and I don't know how good they are. 

The liquid diazepam is out, the liquid prozac is out, I have no idea why my nervous system is back in chaos, what I should do to help it, if I should do anything, and most of all I don't know where to recharge my lives to continue to have the strength to play, because that's what I want.
 

I don't know if anyone will have the courage to read this, or if there is anything to respond to, but I thank you for giving me a space to express it, I think I really needed it today.

I think the trauma of my paxil to prozac bridge is still too strong and therefore the fear of these extreme states too, like a dish that came out of the oven a moment ago but is still too hot to touch.

Wow, another metaphor. A clear indication that I need to stop writing... !

 

Take care dear community, thank you for giving me strenght ❤️ 

 

 

One thing i need to mention is that you are gifted making people read what you write with alot concentration, not too much concentration because of the symptomts but still able to make me focus and read everything 😂.

Really i think iam admired of what you are doing Erell. I know it is such an awful time but you are really worth admiration of your strength and being insisted to finish this thing. Your metaphors are describing how it is severe to wake every day to live the same hell over and over again and after every relief, it is like you start it all over again but, you will make it with support and strength iam sure you have and will still have E.

All i have to remind you of is it's all about the current time. Alot of moment i went into brutal terror moments, alot of less ability to even think of my existence as a human being and when i felt some relief, i felt like ok, i need to complete this and iam rather stronger now just when the current time was positive so you give it one more shoot of patience until it is down again. I hope the best of you my friend. Take care pls.

 

 

[Erell]

On 8/25/2022 at 6:35 PM, Ariel said:

All the progress you have made is real, it is not going away, it will not disappear. The healing is real, and you are real and whole inside. 

On 8/25/2022 at 8:29 PM, mstimc said:

Try to look past the downward rollercoaster ride to the day you can finally get off the ride altogether.  It will happen!

On 8/25/2022 at 8:59 PM, Rosetta said:

 All I can say is that you will make it through

 

Thank you so much to all of you for sharing your faith, it really is soothing to read.
Hope you're doing ok on your side ❤️ 
 

On 8/26/2022 at 4:29 AM, Heath said:

It helped me differentiate facts from negative fiction. 

I'm so happy to know my words have brought you a little taste of comfort, and thank you for sharing yours with me ! ❤️ 

This sentence especially is very powerful and a much needed reminder about how our minds can focus on the worst.

 

On 8/26/2022 at 3:37 PM, Greatful said:

One day Erell we will be writing our success stories.❤️ 

Yes, I intend to write it, and I have no doubt that I will smile one day while reading yours

 

On 8/26/2022 at 5:12 PM, getofflex said:

my husband is a registered pharmacist in the United States. I asked him about your liquid Paxil being too hot. He said the proper temperature range for the liquid Prozac is 7.8°C to 30°C. But he said it’s fine if it gets to the upper limit on occasion it won’t hurt it at all. His suggestion was to put the Bottle in a plastic bag and then put it in a water bath with an ice cube or two during the heat of the day each day. That should keep it fine. 

Thank you very much for asking your husband's opinion, that's very thoughtful of you! Thankfully, the temperatures have dropped in my country and the air is starting to cool down. Thank you for your support ❤️ 

 

@mustafa, what a pleasure to hear from you! I will drop by your thread to say hi!


Thank you all for your support, it really means a lot!
I think I am experiencing one of the most intense spikes of this year, and the improvements that I took for granted vanished while I rediscover old intensities with no respite.
My words sound like the classic "windows and waves", so nothing extraordinary, and yet to live it is... intense and scary.
There is always a gap between reading it and experiencing it with all your body and soul.

 

Prozac, Diazepam, Paxil… I don't know why my CNS is in such chaos and will never know, but what I know for sure is that I still plan to be free one day and to write my success story in the future, so I'm holding on as best I can and diving back into reading my favourite Success stories. Infinite thanks to those who take the time to write them !

 

By the way, Altostrata shared a link to Success Stories (audio) : 226-recovery-success-stories-from-around-the-web
(If anyone is reading this and is in contact with this organisation or with Baylissa Frederick, can you ask them if they have the possibility to include subtitles? This would allow accessibility for non-English speakers as well as those who have difficulty listening to voices.)

 

Take care people 🌼

 

 

[Rosetta]

Erell,

 

Yes, it is very disheartening and scary to live through one of the deeper waves that come from time to time.  The sense of futility one feels when the symptoms increase in intensity so that all progress seems to be erased! That progress has not been erased, however.  Not at all.  
 

As with every wave, when you finally come out, you will realize this, and the wave will seems as if it was a bad dream — something that was not real.  That is the essence of post-acute withdrawal syndrome — living through nightmarish “dreams” that are very real inside our heads, and our bodies, as well.  It is psychological torture.  

 

The thought you must hold on to is that there will come a day when the torture is over, and before that, a day when the torture is lessened to such a degree that you will laugh at the symptoms.  You will laugh because they will be so much milder.  They would scare a person who had not experienced what you have, definitely, but they will not scare you.  They will make you quite uneasy, and the memory they evoke of how awful the bad times were will be hard to experience, but you will know you are nearly free.  
 

Also, you will be very proud of yourself for enduring.  It’s odd to walk through life with such intimate knowledge of this experience while others around me are blissfully unaware of the possibility.  You are so strong, Erell.  You are so compassionate and kind.  You are so intelligent and inquisitive.  You are a gift to this world.  I think that everyone who reads your words can see that.

 

Hang in there!
 

— Rosetta

[wantrelief]

8 hours ago, Erell said:

My words sound like the classic "windows and waves", so nothing extraordinary, and yet to live it is... intense and scary.
There is always a gap between reading it and experiencing it with all your body and soul.

 

Prozac, Diazepam, Paxil… I don't know why my CNS is in such chaos and will never know, but what I know for sure is that I still plan to be free one day and to write my success story in the future, so I'm holding on as best I can and diving back into reading my favourite Success stories. Infinite thanks to those who take the time to write them !

Oh yes it is so different to read the words of symptoms or waves yet to live through them is indeed quite intense and scary.  You are immensely brave and you will get through this and see the other side, Erell, but I know it is not easy whatsoever to keep going day after day in this state.  You are an amazing person, so strong, compassionate and kind.  I really appreciate everything you say and as I said in my thread, you are such an inspiration.  Keeping hanging on, dearest Erell.  You are going to make it to the other side not only of this wave but this whole journey and I am honored to be a witness to it all.  Much love, WR.

[Longroadhome]

On 8/31/2022 at 9:19 AM, Erell said:

anyone is reading this and is in contact with this organisation or with Baylissa Frederick, can you ask them if they have the possibility to include subtitles? This would allow accessibility for non-English speakers as well as those who have difficulty listening to voices

@Erell I did ask this question for you today as I had a coaching session with Baylissa. She said unfortunately it was not possible but did not elaborate. 
 

Thinking of you and hoping the days ahead get easier. Take care. 

[Sottana]

@Erelltoo sick and disoriented to share a thoughtful and well thought out response, but I just want to say that you’re the most gracious sufferer I’ve ever seen. Your ability to see the silver-lining in the most difficult of situations over and over again is nothing short of inspiring. I’ve always felt like our journeys are similar in some ways, but I certainly have more trouble with optimism than you. I’m sure you will find relief and healing soon. I think this attitude and unwavering willingness to battle will carry you towards an amazing life one day. All the best ❤️

[Erell]

Thank you Wantrelief and Rosetta ! It is hard to describe how soothing the mere presence of people who understand these phenomena can be. Thank you ❤️ 

 

On 8/31/2022 at 11:30 AM, Rosetta said:

The thought you must hold on to is that there will come a day when the torture is over, and before that, a day when the torture is lessened to such a degree that you will laugh at the symptoms.  You will laugh because they will be so much milder.  They would scare a person who had not experienced what you have, definitely, but they will not scare you.  They will make you quite uneasy, and the memory they evoke of how awful the bad times were will be hard to experience, but you will know you are nearly free.  

This is amazing to read ☀️

 

Thank you @Longroadhome for asking Baylissa, that is very kind of you ! At least we tried...

 

@Sottana, I see a lot of optimism in your journey, as in all those described here. 

It's true that we spend our days experiencing symptoms we never knew were possible and that our brains, in a constant state of alert, spend their time sending us signals of danger and despair. But it takes a lot of optimism to keep going and to keep believing in a peaceful future. I mean, the people here are living with indescribable moral and physical suffering and yet they continue to hang on and do everything to help their bodies towards recovery. I think we make a pretty good bunch of optimists! ❤️

 

I was re-reading Pug's Success Story, here are his words, something to feed our incredible optimism but also allow ourselves to feel the sadness of this journey : 

 

« If I was walking ahead of you on a hike and I got to a beautiful waterfall and I texted you real quick, “Nena isn’t this waterfall amazing!?”  You would text back, “pug, maybe it is but I can’t see it yet!”  And that is how recovery is; I am telling you the waterfall is amazing because I am here looking at it, and I need you to trust me and keep hiking until you get here to see it!  It doesn’t matter if you think negative thoughts or bad thoughts along the trail, as long as you keep hiking you are going to get here eventually to see what I am seeing!

 

Throughout recovery I have worked hard to keep a positive outlook and think “good” thoughts, but it has often times been impossible and I have devolved into anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness and all manner of negative thoughts and processes.  But, I have kept hiking and I have made it to the first amazing waterfall, and I know there are more to come!

 

Forgive yourself for all the negativity and bad thoughts, the worrying and constant doubts, they are all part of the recovery process just like a runny nose is part of having the flu.  Accept it as a symptom and as a sign of healing while you work to see things in a more positive light.  Even though I had so many bad, bad thoughts and hours, days, weeks and months spent in a negative space, I have healed and continue to heal and a positive, hopeful mind frame and outlook has returned and is becoming more a part of me each day. »

 

Take care dear people 🌼

[arbor]

Thank you @ErellI really needed this today.  I will be reading it over and over, thinking of you and thinking of all of us.

Love from the bottom of my heart,

Arbor

[getofflex]

Erell I love your analogies and metaphors. Thank you for sharing the story from pugs success story. It’s very encouraging to so many of us.

[Heath]

We will keep on hiking! Thank you Erell for sharing that !

[Sottana]

@Erell that’s a fair point. To keep going and to keep fighting through ineffable agony with no real end in sight takes a lot of hope and strength. I never congratulate myself, I’ll try to do that today