Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Erell]

Yes, I try my best!

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

I don't how I missed your messages!  It looks like you are making progress even though you have had the despair and crying and perhaps some anxiety in the same day. They passed! I didn't know at the time that they were a sign of improvement - and if they had not happened - that meant I was stuck in WD. Things are on the up and up!

 

Never feel like an idiot. Always think you are doing an excellent job navigating uncharted waters with waves when you would like a calm sea upon which to sail.

 

'Hope for the best, but expect the worst' - sometmes this is comforting. I know to be pleasantly surprised in case something does not go my way (even if it means burning the pan when frying eggs as I did last night). Seems dumb - but there was a lot happening at once - so I did my best. The eggs were still good.

 

Do you cook? I love french cuisine. We have hardly any french restaurants here (I don't live in a cosmolitan area where we might find them). I wonder if you cook quail or creme brulee? Or chocolate mousse?

 

Well, hope you enjoy your visit with your parents.

 

Giuilietta

 

[Erell]

Hi dear Guilietta!

 

Well, I love To eat,  and To eat great cook..but I must admit I don't like To cook 😄 and never cook desserts..

 

Rough day Today! After a rough night..

I woke up very anxious, and tried To relax. My parents arrived at 11am. They wanted To go To the market, so we went. It was really hard, I was highly anxious, and there were a lot of people, sounds..but I forced myself. 

Then we went To the restaurant. Also really hard, but I forced myself.

Then we went To the sea...And there I totally crashed : despair, crying, terror.

I begged them To take me back To my flat. We went back To my flat, and now they left.

 

I think I forced myself Too much all day, because I didn't want my parents To worry. And because they don't understand why I can't force me, or why it takes so long To Feel ok.

 

I think what makes me sad is also the fact that nobody understand the process, and most of all the slow part of it. I know we all struggle To explain it To others. My mum truly believe that next week all Will be ok...And I already know that she Will be disappointed. And my dad left me so sad,  I can't bear his sadness.

 

I really did believe I could go To work monday. Now I know I won't. 

 

So sorry, I really am struggling with acceptance right now. I'm scared and sad.  So much despair in me. 

 

I know this is a bad wave. I know the only thing To do is wait and hold. 

 

So sorry To not being able To say positive things here.

[Sassenach]

Hey you.

 

How are you feeling now?

We have what we call Murphy's Law in the UK, this states:

" If anything can go wrong, it will "

The loud music was your Murphy's Law.

26 minutes ago, Erell said:

think what makes me sad is also the fact that nobody understand the process, and most of all the slow part of it. I know we all struggle To explain it To others. My mum truly believe that next week all Will be ok...And I already know that she Will be disappointed. And my dad left me so sad,  I can't bear his sadness.

This condition is very slowly becoming known but it will take a long time.

Over the last few weeks our founder AltoStrata has been attending conferences in America, Scandinavia and now in Europe on this subject.

She has had a gruelling schedule but if you read her thread you will see what she went through before forming this site.

She is strong, but not Superwoman, we can all get there too.

You have the spirit to help educate in the future.

I hope you are calming down as the evening approaches.

You will see your mum and dad happy again.

 

Sass

[Vegalia]

Coucou Erell

 

I hope that is allowed to speak french hère.

 

Quelle journée !

Peut-être que tes parents ont pensé que sortir te ferait du bien. C'est vrai ça fait du bien, mais là c'était beaucoup avec des lieux où il y a du bruit, du monde et ça sûrement ils ne peuvent s'en rendre compte.

 

Mon père n'est pas au courant pour moi, mais tu vois, mon conjoint il comprend pas que je m'isole régulièrement dans une autre pièce le week-end car quand il est là, la télé est allumée constamment et assez fort, ben tant pis.^^

 

Tu t'es mis beaucoup de pression. Peut être la prochaine fois avec tes parents, juste faire un repas chez toi simple, discuter et juste un petit tour. 

 

C'était bien de les voir tout de même non? Je pense que si les proches comprennent pas tout ( ils ne le vivent pas), s'ils comprennent même un tout petit peu et t'aiment c'est précieux.

 

Une petite astuce parfois : juste dire que tu es fatiguée, c'est un moyen plus simple pour que les autres puissent comprendre que tu as besoin d'y aller tout doux. 

 

Courage et ménage toi. 

 

Vegalia.

[Erell]

@Sassenach : yes she is strong! I didn't know she was attending conferences! That is so great!

I hope one day i'll be strong enough To educate others! For now, people only tell me : you should take other meds, more. And it is really hard To convince them while feeling misérable! 

 

Now anxiety has decreased a bit, but not despair. Even knowing this is a bad wave, it is really hard To believe I'm gonna be ok and Feel better. I'm gonna have To reread again some information here to really understand the process and convince myself that I Will Feel better.

 

I'm not sure I understand Murphy's law, I'm gonna search

 

[Erell]

@SassenachOh and I asked my father  : when I was a child, we went to Fort William, Inverness...And many other place I've already forgotten! Should have wrote them

[Sassenach]

Sounds like the grand tour, I will send you the pics when I get a minute.

When I was 18 I spent 6 weeks working at a hotel in Port-Lesney, I think it was about 60kms from Dijon and near a little town, Salin les Bains.

My first experience of the Mistral.😎

[Erell]

@Vegalia :

 

Oui je pense que mes parents avaient surtout envie de me sortir et me faire faire des choses! Ma mère pense que je vais mal parce que je reste trop chez moi seule, elle n'arrive pas à assimiler l'idée que mon état est lié au médicament. Je ne leur en veux pas, je sais qu'ils font de leur mieux et que leur impatience est due à leur besoin de me voir mieux.

 

Et oui, c'était bon de les voir

 

Merci pour ton soutien!! 

 

(Yes I think my parents wanted To make me go out and do things. My mum thinks I'm feeling bad because I stay too much in my flat, and alone. It is really hard for Her To accept the fact that m'y state is due To meds. I don't blame them, I know they do their best and that they are impatient because they wanna see me feeling better.

 

And yes, it was good to see them

 

Thank you for your support!!! )

[Erell]

2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Sounds like the grand tour, I will send you the pics when I get a minute.

When I was 18 I spent 6 weeks working at a hotel in Port-Lesney, I think it was about 60kms from Dijon and near a little town, Salin les Bains.

My first experience of the Mistral.😎

 

 

Oh this is a part of France that I really don't know  🙃 ! 

Don't be sorry for the pictures, I already overuse your time here

No mistral where I live, but a wind from the ocean...love It!!! I may be too metaphorycal, but strong wind helps me remember that everything move, even bad feelings  

Another métaphore : this week there are what we call the "High tides " : the sea comes strongly very High (as waves) and then disappear very far..To let a quiet Window happen on the beach.

 

Oups, im getting convoluted  😄 sorry, trying To cope Despair!

 

Whouah,  what would I do without the sea! 😍

[Sassenach]

1 minute ago, Erell said:

Don't be sorry for the pictures, I already overuse your time here

No you don't.

I like to talk to you, brings back happy memories of France.

When I worked at the hotel my french was good.

I had no work permit and gendarmes came in for coffee almost every day, got away with it, difficult to believe now.

Reminds me how old I am

[Sassenach]

Forgot, fell madly in love with a lady called Giselle, happy memories.

[Sassenach]

Thank you Erell, I really did not want to stress you further tonight.

[Erell]

Me too! Talking To you reminds me happy holydays in family! I remember Being in a lovely place with goats, my little brother and I have played a lot with them. My father told me Today that it was in Fort William.

Could have been everywhere, all I remember are the goats  😄

 

12 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

I had no work permit and gendarmes came in for coffee almost every day, got away with it, difficult to believe now.

 

Haha Yes! Maybe in countryside..even there I'm not sure : I have a friend who holds a cafe and he has a lot of administrative controls. 

 

11 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Forgot, fell madly in love with a lady called Giselle, happy memories.

 

For how long ? 😄

[Erell]

3 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Thank you Erell, I really did not want to stress you further tonight.

 

Are you talking about translation? 

It is ok : I did not come earlier because I wasn't able To. Anxiety has decreased, so I thought it could be Nice To try to help a bit.

[Sassenach]

2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Are you talking about translation? 

Yes

I really appreciate your help now because I need to get all this info correct and sorted.🤞

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

I think there was a bit of anxiety around the visit with your parents - and you were ahead of time apprehensive about their emotions when they visited you. That alone would trigger me. The noise and confusion - and being around a lot of people - are also triggers - for me. It can cause so much anxiety. You don't want to be there - but when you go to a quieter place - you still may not feel right. I can feel restless. And it's all chemicals in our brain. Not us.

 

We have Murphy's Law in the US. It seems to to be present at the wrong times... including when parents visit.

 

Your parents understand that you are getting through a difficult period! I think they have the wisdom to know that things in life wax and wane - come and go - so things will sort out with time.

 

I like the vision of you as a child with the little goats. We have some small farms near me - with sheep, goats, and even llama.  I have come to like llama. Their coats make the most wonderful yarn.  Happy memories help through bad times. 

 

I have never been to beautiful France - but maybe someday. There is so much interesting history - and what magnificent architecture and museums. I wonder if you have ever visited the Louvre?

 

Good for you for undestanding it is a bad wave and will be followed by a window - and that we just have to wait out. 

 

Giuilietta

 

[Sassenach]

Its the time of night.

Phone off etc.

Thanks for your help.

 

Bon nuit et dormez bien

[Giulietta]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

there were a lot of people, sounds..but I forced myself. 

Then we went To the restaurant. Also really hard, but I forced myself.

Then we went To the sea...And there I totally crashed : despair, crying, terror.

 

Hello Erell,

 

Maybe you will find some comfort with something I jsut remembered about a similar situation I had earlier this year. I was in a wave - about 2 weeks - and I didn't know what it was. Anxiety, terror, despair, a host of physical symptoms...but I was forcing myself to be with others so I would have less opportunity to ruminate, worry, etc.

 

So I had been invited to a gathering. I knew 3 people there. There were about 30 strangers. It was LOUD. It was CONFUSING. I had to leave - I said some brief hellos to the 2 people I new and had to leave.  Even though I felt better after I left - and I am glad I went so I didn't let the anxiety win - I had forgotton about this. Maybe you feel less alone.

 

well - have to run. 

 

 

 

 

[Erell]

Good morning!

 

Diary :  Saturday 5th October / day 11 on 10mg Paroxetine  / (day 5 with magnésium)

 

7.30am : woke up anxious (7)

8am : 10mg Paroxetine 

9am : Spike of despair (8) . Anxiety (6)

10am : went To take a walk in the neighborhood

10.30am : come back To my flat.  Anxiety : 5 / despair : 5.

11am : parents arrived. We went To the market : too much people and sounds. High level of anxiety. Forced myself. 

12 : went To the restaurant. High anxiety. Forced myself. 

1.30pm To 2.30 pm : we took a walk in my neighborhood. Anxious but tolérable because I'm not away of my flat. 

3pm : we went to the sea. Totally crashed  (terror, despair crying).

We went back To my flat. 

5pm : parents are gone. Despair: 8. Anxiety: 6.

8.30 pm : took a warm bath. But have To go To see my neighbor because of very loud music...how long does this Murphy's law last ?

High internal irritation. 

9pm : went To bed. Anxiety : 7 / despair: 7. / Tinnitus : 6. / Restlessness: 5.

+ lot of intrusive thoughts, overanalysing my situation. 

10pm : anxiety : 5 / despair: 6

10.30pm : lights off

Think I fall asleep around 11.30pm.

Don't know if I woke up during the night.

 

This morning  : woke up anxious (7) at 6am. 

 

 

 

 

 

---》 I think my tinnitus is connected with my irritation. 

---》Today I'm gonna be anxious because tomorrow I'll have To tell my boss that I can't come back To work. This is my fault, should have done earlier. 

--》 i've read your post @Sassenach, and saw that you don't like To talk about your symptoms. I apologize, I won't ask you anymore. Actually, I admire you for this : don't know how you manage To deal with your symptoms on your own.  I'm trying to be more autonomous in this process, but it's really hard. 

 

--》 I analyzed a lot my situation yesterday evening. Things troubled me : for example, in 2010, 2 years after I coldturkeyed Paroxetine,  I made a reinstatement and in a week I was back To normal. And now, it's been a month with 10mg Paroxetine, and still not feeling good.

How can I know that the holding is working ? How can I know that the 10mg are the good dose ?

I don't wanna make any changes, too afraid of what could happen. But I find it hard To understand that, one month later, the battle is still so hard.

I Guess I really messed up by taking hypericum (st John wort) during 3 weeks. And other suppléments. 

 

Yesterday evening I couldn't stop thinking and spent too much time on the Phone, rereading my thread and others. Trying To understand the process. Trying To find proofs that I Will be ok soon, that in one month i'll be normal . But of course I didn't find these proofs. The unknown part is so big in the healing process. It's terrific. Still have To work on acceptance. 

[Sassenach]

Good morning 

When you cold turkey in 2008 how long did the symptoms last and how severe were they?

Why did you reinstate?

Sass

[Erell]

I did'nt remember having symptoms. Maybe 2 weeks feeling really tired, but then I was strongly believing I was healed so it was ok. Doctors told me to quit meds as I was now recovered. I was so happy, quitting meds was a happy time.

I reinstated a year and a half later because I had bad feelings during a couple of days : tremors, Despair,  anxiety. Doctors told me I needeed to take these meds all my life and I believed them.

 

I'm sorry, this happened a lot of years ago, and I was so Young,  its hard To remember how I was feeling.

[Erell]

 

I assume I must be in a really bad wave. Just hope there Will be a Window soon. Need some relief To keep believing.

What scares me is the idea of the hold not working and the idea of getting worse. 

Need so much réassurance.

 

Well it seems that I'm doing pretty bad with this goal of autonomy

[Erell]

@Guilietta : yes I agree, it is better to put my message here.

 

Here it is : 

 

"

Hi Guilietta 

 

Thank you very much, I really appreciate.

I admire so much your détermination!

1. Actually,  I don't have To convince them about tappering because I don't know if I Will ever have the confident To tapper again. I have to convince them that the best for me now is To hold my current dose,  even if I'm misérable. And they don't get the slow part.

I fear that if I would live with them they would try To convince me To take other drugs. My mum wants me To take benzos To Feel better. Or they would try To convince me To updose again. 

 

2. I sent some articles To my dad and told him about this forum, but he hasn't practiced English for years and he doesn't understand. + they trust doctors and all their théories.

 

3. I don't want To stay with them for a while, at least not until i get better. I couldn't bear their fears and sadness. 

 

 

I'm curious : do you work ?

 

Ps: I'm sorry I'm realizing this maybe shouldnt be on your thread but on mine"

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

9 hours ago, Erell said:

don't know how you manage To deal with your symptoms on your own.

We all do it differently there is no wrong or right way.

 

9 hours ago, Erell said:

To understand that, one month later, the battle is still so hard.

You started 10mgs on 25th Sept, that is 11 days ago, I understand it may feel like a month.

 

9 hours ago, Erell said:

How can I know that the holding is working ?

We never know for sure which is why we go so slowly.

However the fact that you have experienced changes suggests it is having an effect.

You are in withdrawal and it takes time for your CNS to settle around the dose.

You have already been on 20, 10,12 and 15mgs as well as a taper and none worked.

Have you increased the Magnesium dose?

If your symptoms are unbearable you could try an updose of 1 mg

However I think it is too early but it is your choice.

 

How are you feeling now?

 

Sass

[Erell]

2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

You started 10mgs on 25th Sept, that is 11 days ago, I understand it may feel like a month.

 

I said a month because I updosed to 10mg on 22nd August  But you're right, I should restart thinking from 11 days.

 

4 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Have you increased the Magnesium dose?

No I haven't, still scared of any change...You've insisted several times on this, so I will try tomorrow.

 

That is also why I won't add 1mg : Im too scared about what changes could make to my brain !

 

I must say anxiety has decreased during the day (to a 5 rate).

What is really difficult to cope is the strong feeling of despair and depression. No relief in the day. Fells like I'll never feel joy again. Or confidence. Everything seems meaningless and hopeless.

 

I also experienced what might be derealization since this morning : I feel very disconnected with my environnment; I also have experienced what might be anhedonia : for almost an hour, I could only feel despair, nothing else, like if my brain had turned off. 

 

It is really disturbing to experience such variations and fluctuations in the combination of symptoms. healing really is an unlinear process !

 

However, you seem to think that changes are a good sign, so I want to believe it. I really want to feel in my body that the general direction is healing ! 

 

What I really need for now is hope, belief : I made several walks outside, tried to distract, went to the sea...it didn't work, but I keep trying ! I don't know if I'm doing enough : it is hard to know when to act and try, and when to accept.

 

Thank you for caring Sass !

[Giulietta]

59 minutes ago, Erell said:

Thank you very much, I really appreciate.

I admire so much your détermination!

 

Hello Erell,

 

If I can help you or anyone I am very happy. You support me greatly and I admire your determination as well to stick with what is a very difficult thing to do. Your  cheery and positive nature lights up SA! I remember the real misery I went through for much of this yeaar - and waves. I encourage you to stick with this. I hope you are proud of yourself for making it through this (and the benzos!). Wow. I will have to do that at some point myself. Not looking forward to it. I will need your help.

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

Actually,  I don't have To convince them about tappering because I don't know if I Will ever have the confident To tapper again. I have to convince them that the best for me now is To hold my current dose,  even if I'm misérable. And they don't get the slow part.

 

Do you mean you are not confident to reduce in dosage by 'will I have the confidence to taper again'?

 

Why do you have to convince them? You know what is best, not them.   Perhaps make clear in advance that you know you will some days where you are feeling good - or partly good - and part 'misery'  (maybe a  better word in French?) and that this may last for weeks. You are prepared for this - and need their love and support. Not for them to take you to an MD or tell  you what medication to take. Parents do this out of love and they think they know best. I hear this all the time from mine.

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I fear that if I would live with them they would try To convince me To take other drugs. My mum wants me To take benzos To Feel better. Or they would try To convince me To updose again. 

 

This is a'what if'. You dont' know that they try to convince you to take other medicines or change your current dose.  Sometimes having a plan - what to say - how to respond - if this comes up - reduces anxiety and gives you more confidence. I find if I have thought things through and know clearly waht to say it goes better. This is true for anythign important communication.

 

About trusting doctors. Did doctors prescribe you these drugs - that people have such trouble to get off of?

 

Can you use an online language translator (google has one and there are many other free ones) for some pieces of inofrmation you think your father would understand? It is hard to explain in English

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

. I don't want To stay with them for a while, at least not until i get better

 

What about iwth a friend? Do you have someone you could stay with?

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

'm curious : do you work ?

 

Not now. I had been working part-time until this summer. My employer laid off a lot of people across the USA (I was one). It was a financial decision they made.  I had started to look for work in early September - but then started having dizziness, vision troubles, couldn't drive, etc. I am now trying to start my job search again. I am anxious about this as I have not worked full-time in a few years.

 

Are you going to post-pone starting your job? How long has it been seince you workekd?

 

Well, I have to go now. Sorry for all my typos.

[mustafa]

31 minutes ago, Erell said:

like if my brain had turned off.

Hi erell, I make sense to that statement. Likee when started rapid taper, it was like your brain turned to a blocks. No any neurosmitter work and can't give your opinion or think almost at all. I don't know exactly what you suffer from. But for this, it is ok. Your neurosmitter will start to connect and work for you again.

Don't be scared about that. If you think into your self that you are ok to withstand and resist, keep going.

I hope to be talking in the goal.

I hope you get well soon❤️

[Erell]

11 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

Hello Erell,

 

If I can help you or anyone I am very happy. You support me greatly and I admire your determination as well to stick with what is a very difficult thing to do. Your  cheery and positive nature lights up SA! I remember the real misery I went through for much of this yeaar - and waves. I encourage you to stick with this. I hope you are proud of yourself for making it through this (and the benzos!). Wow. I will have to do that at some point myself. Not looking forward to it. I will need your help.

 

Oh!! you're so kind ! Your words really deeply help me ! Even if I don't think I truly have a positive nature for now   I cant' tell I'm proud of myself, but it is nice to be reminded that I should  And I will be the most happy person if I can help you with the benzo tapper !!!

 

15 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

Do you mean you are not confident to reduce in dosage by 'will I have the confidence to taper again'?

I mean that I feel so miserable right now in a middle of a wave that my only wish is to feel better with my 10mg, and not to consider any tapper. Maybe one day I will be willing again to live without the AD, but for now this is not my concern. My only concern is to get through this horrible wave

 

18 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

Parents do this out of love and they think they know best. I hear this all the time from mine.

 

This is a'what if'. You dont' know that they try to convince you to take other medicines or change your current dose.  Sometimes having a plan - what to say - how to respond - if this comes up - reduces anxiety and gives you more confidence. I find if I have thought things through and know clearly waht to say it goes better. This is true for anythign important communication.

 

Again you're right! This is a what if... It is comforting to know that you also hear your dad telling you such things and that you still stay determinate ! 

I think 'misery' is actually a good word to describe what can WD symptoms make us feel  Thank you for the advice about a communication plan ! 

 

24 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

About trusting doctors. Did doctors prescribe you these drugs - that people have such trouble to get off of?

Oups, I don't understand the question...

26 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

What about iwth a friend? Do you have someone you could stay with?

 

Actually I have no friends in my town : I moved in 6 months ago. I also think that, for now, it is better for me to be in my flat : I can be quiet in my room wit a lullaby if I need, take a walk in the middle of the night if I need, ... Don't know how to explain, but it feels easier to be alone to cope exactly as I need or can, and to not overpush myself because I would have to please somebody. Do you understand? 
 

31 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

Are you going to post-pone starting your job? How long has it been seince you workekd?

 Yes, definitely. I'm not in capacity for work : still have high anxiety and too much despair and crying. I sent an email to my boss this afternoon, telling her that I was not able to comeback. I will have her on the phone tomorrow. Don't know how she will react...it feels like they bet the wron horse : I started this job only 8 months ago...And now it's been one month off work. And I Plan to be off for another month, hoping November will be better...finers crossed !

Well, we'll see tomorrow.

 

I totally understand your fears about searching a new job  : in which type of field are you looking for?

 

Again thank you!!!! ❤️ 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

o I haven't, still scared of any change...You've insisted several times on this, so I will try tomorrow.

 

 

No, I have not insisted just suggested, you should not do anything you're uncomfortable with.

I understand you are scared of changing and we preach slow and steady.

Magnesium is a supplement we approve of

magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

If you increase to half recommended dose and feel worse you can revert following day, it is not like A/Ds or benzos.

Balance one possible day of feeling worse against possibilty of being better afterwards.

1 hour ago, Erell said:

 

It is really disturbing to experience such variations and fluctuations in the combination of symptoms. healing really is an unlinear process

If you were not experiencing them something would be really wrong.

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

What I really need for now is hope, belief : I made several walks outside, tried to distract, went to the sea...it didn't work, but I keep trying ! I don't know if I'm doing enough : it is hard to know when to act and try, and when to accept.

 

You are doing enough, exercise is good, don't push too hard.

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

However, you seem to think that changes are a good sign, so I want to believe it. I really want to feel in my body that the general direction is healing !

Trust me, i'm not a doctor👿

 

Sass

 

[Erell]

2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Trust me, i'm not a doctor👿

 

Love your sense of humour!!!

 

I'll decide tomorrow if I take more magnesium

 

Still trying to cope violent despair, but tips seem powerless when you're on WD. will keep trying !

 

Tank you for everything ! Feel less lonely  

[Sassenach]

You know the drill.

Sleep well.

 

Sass

[Erell]

Don't how true this is but I'm trying To tell myself : ok, these new symptoms mean that my CNS is actually working on new other fields, that work has  To be done, then it Will be ok.

 

Sleep Well Sass.

[Cocopuffz17]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Don't how true this is but I'm trying To tell myself : ok, these new symptoms mean that my CNS is actually working on new other fields, that work has  To be done, then it Will be ok.

 

Sleep Well Sass.

 

Yep! That’s what I tell myself! You got this! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed!! 

[Erell]

Good morning!

 

Diary Sunday 6th October / day 12 on 10mg / day 6 with magnésium 

 

6am: woke up anxious (7)

7am : anxiety (7) / despair  (7)

8am : 10mg Paroxetine. felt really tired.

9am : woke up from a "toxic nap : bad dream in which I was desperate. I expérience derealization. 

Anxiety : 7 . Despair  : 7

9.30 am : feeling so bad,  I tried legs up on the wall but it doesn't seem like it had an effect. 

10 am : anxiety: 7 / despair: 8 / restlessness: 7 -> I go To the beach.

12 : back home. Feel disconnected.  Hopelessness, and like if I wasn't able To Feel anything but despair. Anhedonia?

12.30 : anxianxiety  : 5 / despair  : 7

1pm : despair  : 8

2pm : anxiety : 6 / despair  : 7

4pm : despair  : 8. Would like To crybut can't. I try To change the Channel, but nothing distract me. 

7pm : anxiety : 5 / despair  : 7

8 pm : go To bed. Anxiety: 7 / despair  : 8

9pm : anxiety: 7 / despair  : 5.

10.20 pm : anxiety: 4 / despair  : 5....appreciate the relief !

11pm : lights off. Think I fall asleep around 11.30pm 

00.40 : woke up anxious  (7). Think I fell asleep half an hour later.

3.20 am : woke up with tinnitus and anxiety (7). Think I fell asleep half an hour later. 

7.15am : woke up anxious (7). First thing this morning  : another day in this nightmare...

Feel like my jaws are contracted. + pain in the legs, like if I had run a marathon .

 

 

---》 definitely,  no nap for me : it rreally felt like if it worsen my state, most of all in terms of derealization. 

--》 anxiety and despair are definitely my evil twins...should give them a name!

 

 

+ don't how you deal with all these repeated desperate thoughts Sass, please take care of your mood.

[Erell]

@Cocopuffz17 : thank you for your support  😍 i read your thread everyday, it helps me!