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Erell

Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Giulietta
59 minutes ago, Erell said:

Thank you very much, I really appreciate.

I admire so much your détermination!

 

Hello Erell,

 

If I can help you or anyone I am very happy. You support me greatly and I admire your determination as well to stick with what is a very difficult thing to do. Your  cheery and positive nature lights up SA! I remember the real misery I went through for much of this yeaar - and waves. I encourage you to stick with this. I hope you are proud of yourself for making it through this (and the benzos!). Wow. I will have to do that at some point myself. Not looking forward to it. I will need your help. ;)

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

Actually,  I don't have To convince them about tappering because I don't know if I Will ever have the confident To tapper again. I have to convince them that the best for me now is To hold my current dose,  even if I'm misérable. And they don't get the slow part.

 

Do you mean you are not confident to reduce in dosage by 'will I have the confidence to taper again'?

 

Why do you have to convince them? You know what is best, not them.   Perhaps make clear in advance that you know you will some days where you are feeling good - or partly good - and part 'misery'  (maybe a  better word in French?) and that this may last for weeks. You are prepared for this - and need their love and support. Not for them to take you to an MD or tell  you what medication to take. Parents do this out of love and they think they know best. I hear this all the time from mine. :)

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I fear that if I would live with them they would try To convince me To take other drugs. My mum wants me To take benzos To Feel better. Or they would try To convince me To updose again. 

 

This is a'what if'. You dont' know that they try to convince you to take other medicines or change your current dose.  Sometimes having a plan - what to say - how to respond - if this comes up - reduces anxiety and gives you more confidence. I find if I have thought things through and know clearly waht to say it goes better. This is true for anythign important communication. :)

 

About trusting doctors. Did doctors prescribe you these drugs - that people have such trouble to get off of?

 

Can you use an online language translator (google has one and there are many other free ones) for some pieces of inofrmation you think your father would understand? It is hard to explain in English ;)

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

. I don't want To stay with them for a while, at least not until i get better

 

What about iwth a friend? Do you have someone you could stay with?

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

'm curious : do you work ?

 

Not now. I had been working part-time until this summer. My employer laid off a lot of people across the USA (I was one). It was a financial decision they made.  I had started to look for work in early September - but then started having dizziness, vision troubles, couldn't drive, etc. I am now trying to start my job search again. I am anxious about this as I have not worked full-time in a few years.

 

Are you going to post-pone starting your job? How long has it been seince you workekd?

 

Well, I have to go now. Sorry for all my typos.

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mustafa
31 minutes ago, Erell said:

like if my brain had turned off.

Hi erell, I make sense to that statement. Likee when started rapid taper, it was like your brain turned to a blocks. No any neurosmitter work and can't give your opinion or think almost at all. I don't know exactly what you suffer from. But for this, it is ok. Your neurosmitter will start to connect and work for you again.

Don't be scared about that. If you think into your self that you are ok to withstand and resist, keep going.

I hope to be talking in the goal.

I hope you get well soon❤️

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Erell
11 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

Hello Erell,

 

If I can help you or anyone I am very happy. You support me greatly and I admire your determination as well to stick with what is a very difficult thing to do. Your  cheery and positive nature lights up SA! I remember the real misery I went through for much of this yeaar - and waves. I encourage you to stick with this. I hope you are proud of yourself for making it through this (and the benzos!). Wow. I will have to do that at some point myself. Not looking forward to it. I will need your help. ;)

 

Oh!! you're so kind ! Your words really deeply help me ! Even if I don't think I truly have a positive nature for now ;)  I cant' tell I'm proud of myself, but it is nice to be reminded that I should ;) And I will be the most happy person if I can help you with the benzo tapper !!!

 

15 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

Do you mean you are not confident to reduce in dosage by 'will I have the confidence to taper again'?

I mean that I feel so miserable right now in a middle of a wave that my only wish is to feel better with my 10mg, and not to consider any tapper. Maybe one day I will be willing again to live without the AD, but for now this is not my concern. My only concern is to get through this horrible wave ;)

 

18 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

Parents do this out of love and they think they know best. I hear this all the time from mine. :)

 

This is a'what if'. You dont' know that they try to convince you to take other medicines or change your current dose.  Sometimes having a plan - what to say - how to respond - if this comes up - reduces anxiety and gives you more confidence. I find if I have thought things through and know clearly waht to say it goes better. This is true for anythign important communication. :)

 

Again you're right! This is a what if... It is comforting to know that you also hear your dad telling you such things and that you still stay determinate ! 

I think 'misery' is actually a good word to describe what can WD symptoms make us feel ;) Thank you for the advice about a communication plan ! 

 

24 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

About trusting doctors. Did doctors prescribe you these drugs - that people have such trouble to get off of?

Oups, I don't understand the question...

26 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

What about iwth a friend? Do you have someone you could stay with?

 

Actually I have no friends in my town : I moved in 6 months ago. I also think that, for now, it is better for me to be in my flat : I can be quiet in my room wit a lullaby if I need, take a walk in the middle of the night if I need, ... Don't know how to explain, but it feels easier to be alone to cope exactly as I need or can, and to not overpush myself because I would have to please somebody. Do you understand? 
 

31 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

Are you going to post-pone starting your job? How long has it been seince you workekd?

 Yes, definitely. I'm not in capacity for work : still have high anxiety and too much despair and crying. I sent an email to my boss this afternoon, telling her that I was not able to comeback. I will have her on the phone tomorrow. Don't know how she will react...it feels like they bet the wron horse : I started this job only 8 months ago...And now it's been one month off work. And I Plan to be off for another month, hoping November will be better...finers crossed ! ;)

Well, we'll see tomorrow.

 

I totally understand your fears about searching a new job  : in which type of field are you looking for?

 

Again thank you!!!! ❤️ 

 

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

o I haven't, still scared of any change...You've insisted several times on this, so I will try tomorrow.

 

 

No, I have not insisted just suggested, you should not do anything you're uncomfortable with.

I understand you are scared of changing and we preach slow and steady.

Magnesium is a supplement we approve of

magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

If you increase to half recommended dose and feel worse you can revert following day, it is not like A/Ds or benzos.

Balance one possible day of feeling worse against possibilty of being better afterwards.

1 hour ago, Erell said:

 

It is really disturbing to experience such variations and fluctuations in the combination of symptoms. healing really is an unlinear process

If you were not experiencing them something would be really wrong.

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

What I really need for now is hope, belief : I made several walks outside, tried to distract, went to the sea...it didn't work, but I keep trying ! I don't know if I'm doing enough : it is hard to know when to act and try, and when to accept.

 

You are doing enough, exercise is good, don't push too hard.

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

However, you seem to think that changes are a good sign, so I want to believe it. I really want to feel in my body that the general direction is healing !

Trust me, i'm not a doctor👿

 

Sass

 

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Erell
2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Trust me, i'm not a doctor👿

 

Love your sense of humour!!!

 

I'll decide tomorrow if I take more magnesium ;)

 

Still trying to cope violent despair, but tips seem powerless when you're on WD. will keep trying !

 

Tank you for everything ! Feel less lonely :) 

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Sassenach

You know the drill.

Sleep well.

 

Sass

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Erell

Don't how true this is but I'm trying To tell myself : ok, these new symptoms mean that my CNS is actually working on new other fields, that work has  To be done, then it Will be ok.

 

Sleep Well Sass.

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Cocopuffz17
5 hours ago, Erell said:

Don't how true this is but I'm trying To tell myself : ok, these new symptoms mean that my CNS is actually working on new other fields, that work has  To be done, then it Will be ok.

 

Sleep Well Sass.

 

Yep! That’s what I tell myself! You got this! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed!! 

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Erell

Good morning!

 

Diary Sunday 6th October / day 12 on 10mg / day 6 with magnésium 

 

6am: woke up anxious (7)

7am anxiety (7) / despair  (7)

8am : 10mg Paroxetine. felt really tired.

9am woke up from a "toxic nap : bad dream in which I was desperate. I expérience derealization. 

Anxiety : 7 . Despair  : 7

9.30 am feeling so bad,  I tried legs up on the wall but it doesn't seem like it had an effect. 

10 am : anxiety: 7 / despair: 8 / restlessness: 7 -> I go To the beach.

12 back home. Feel disconnected.  Hopelessness, and like if I wasn't able To Feel anything but despair. Anhedonia?

12.30 : anxianxiety  : 5 / despair  : 7

1pm despair  : 8

2pm anxiety : 6 / despair  : 7

4pm despair  : 8. Would like To crybut can't. I try To change the Channel, but nothing distract me. 

7pm anxiety : 5 / despair  : 7

8 pm go To bed. Anxiety: 7 / despair  : 8

9pm anxiety: 7 / despair  : 5.

10.20 pm anxiety: 4 / despair  : 5....appreciate the relief !

11pm lights off. Think I fall asleep around 11.30pm 

00.40 woke up anxious  (7). Think I fell asleep half an hour later.

3.20 am woke up with tinnitus and anxiety (7). Think I fell asleep half an hour later. 

7.15am woke up anxious (7). First thing this morning  : another day in this nightmare...

Feel like my jaws are contracted. + pain in the legs, like if I had run a marathon .

 

 

---》 definitely,  no nap for me : it rreally felt like if it worsen my state, most of all in terms of derealization. 

--》 anxiety and despair are definitely my evil twins...should give them a name!

 

 

+ don't how you deal with all these repeated desperate thoughts Sass, please take care of your mood.

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Erell

@Cocopuffz17 : thank you for your support  😍 i read your thread everyday, it helps me!

 

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Sassenach

Good morning.

Changes are good and you are experiencing them quickly.

Look after you and you will be fine.

Sass

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Erell

Thank you Sass  :)

 

You really think that I'm experiencing changes quickly? To me it is more like everyday is the same nightmare.  But it is Nice To have another point of view. 

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Sassenach

Same nightmare, different actors 😙

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Erell

Like a discount Hollywood casting!

 

To me it looks like the same actors are playing everyday, anxiety and despair. I'm gonna reread my diaries To see the changes ;)

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Cocopuffz17
1 hour ago, Erell said:

@Cocopuffz17 : thank you for your support  😍 i read your thread everyday, it helps me!

 

👍, you are welcome: I know how awful battling it out with these drugs are. We all need each other. It helps so much. Everyday that passes is another day closer to being healed! 

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Sassenach

Thank you for the help with Vega.

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Erell

As I Said, I reread my diaries. Don't Feel like you need To answer To this post. I do it because I need To and because I Feel the need To share it 🙃

So this is my day 13 on 10mg Paroxetine and no suppléments except for magnésium citrate. There are some improvments on symptoms that happened before I started To post here (I took a few notes during September)

 

List of improvments  :

- I live without vertigos 

- far less burn feelings in my body, same for tingling. No more problems with equilibrium.

- no more nauseas 

- appetite came back (it dépends : yesterday I haven't been able To eat, except for bananas).

- I can live out of my bed!

- far less tremors

- I can go out even with anxiety!!!!!!

- I can see the sea!!!

- i've been able To wash myself

- i've been able To clean my flat 

- terror disappear !!!!!!!! 😍

- I'm able To read! Not always easy To concentrate 

- i've been able To cry,  and I really needed it.

 

 

List of changes and improvments I strongly expect (but have To be patient...)

 

these past few days I experienced strong despair. This is not an easy symptom To cope. I try many tools : walks outside, sudoku, YouTube silly vidéos, gratitude list...but it feels like this neuroemotion is stronger than me.

- I also expérienced the feeling of Being strongly disconnected, stranger in a world I can't relate To. Like living in a dream. This is also a hard symptom To cope. Same thing with what may have been anhedonia. 

- my sleep is not as good as it was in Septembre  : even when I was strongly anxious, I was able To sleep 8hours without waking up during the night. 

Cortisol Spikes are new To me. 

- I Feel like I would need To be with others, but it also makes me very anxious. Seems easier To cope alone. But also Feel very lonely..Don't know how To manage it.

- tinnitus is new too. I don't have it all day. 

- my legs are painfull, like if I had run a marathon. But I'm not worried about it.

- can't take naps even when I Feel like I need it. 

 

 

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Erell
15 hours ago, mustafa said:

Hi erell, I make sense to that statement. Likee when started rapid taper, it was like your brain turned to a blocks. No any neurosmitter work and can't give your opinion or think almost at all. I don't know exactly what you suffer from. But for this, it is ok. Your neurosmitter will start to connect and work for you again.

Don't be scared about that. If you think into your self that you are ok to withstand and resist, keep going.

I hope to be talking in the goal.

I hope you get well soon❤️

Oh mustafa, don't know how but I missed your post!

Thank you so much !

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Cocopuffz17
52 minutes ago, Erell said:

As I Said, I reread my diaries. Don't Feel like you need To answer To this post. I do it because I need To and because I Feel the need To share it 🙃

So this is my day 13 on 10mg Paroxetine and no suppléments except for magnésium citrate. There are some improvments on symptoms that happened before I started To post here (I took a few notes during September)

 

List of improvments  :

- I live without vertigos 

- far less burn feelings in my body, same for tingling. No more problems with equilibrium.

- no more nauseas 

- appetite came back (it dépends : yesterday I haven't been able To eat, except for bananas).

- I can live out of my bed!

- far less tremors

- I can go out even with anxiety!!!!!!

- I can see the sea!!!

- i've been able To wash myself

- i've been able To clean my flat 

- terror disappear !!!!!!!! 😍

- I'm able To read! Not always easy To concentrate 

- i've been able To cry,  and I really needed it.

 

 

That is so great! Crying, such a great emotion! It’s one of the measurements I use for knowing I am healing.... I literally was unable to cry while on the medication. (3 times in the last 11 years) Now I can feel this emotion for happy and sad occasions and it is amazing. 

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mustafa
2 hours ago, Erell said:

Oh mustafa, don't know how but I missed your post!

Thank you so much !

never mind Erell,

iam so happy to know that you had a list of improvments. this makes me feel hopeful. keep going despite despair. 

some foods that improved despair for me are: all types of nuts ,Pistachio,  Almond , Peanuts,...etc ; I find them great for mode improvement, and make me ok to practise sport so have some of them/day.

have a good day.

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Sassenach
3 hours ago, Erell said:

even when I was strongly anxious, I was able To sleep 8hours without waking up during the night. 

Cortisol Spikes are new To me. 

You see the changes now?

Is your bedroom completely dark with either thick or blackout curtains, if not a sleep mask may help?

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi Sass 

No I didn't see improvments with m'y sleep. My room is in complete darkness.

 

Can't stop crying right now, I don't know how To find hope.

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Vegalia

I think an you Erell, you will find hope ! 

 

Je crois en toi ! :)

 

Vega.

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mustafa
47 minutes ago, Erell said:

Hi Sass 

No I didn't see improvments with m'y sleep. My room is in complete darkness.

 

Can't stop crying right now, I don't know how To find hope.

crying is a good sign you are getting ok.

we are all like you, you arent alone.

even if it is linear, improvement is taking place and soon you will sleep well.

 

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Giulietta

Hello Erell,

 

I was thinking of you yesterday afternoon and wonder how you have decided with work and where to live for a while.

 

You are making terrific progress!!! :) 

 

Anxiety and despair are flip sides of the same coin.

 

I had the aching legs - feel like you ran a marathon - on Friday (I think Friday).Good way to put it.  ;)

 

 

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Erell
4 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

You are making terrific progress!!! :) 

Do you really think so?

I'm feeling now like I'm stuck in doubts, believing my condition is worse and going To be be worse, and that I Will never Feel better. Unable To imagine à better future.

 

Thank you @mustafa for thinking I'm getting ok

I try hard To believe it.

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Frenchgirl

Hi Erell

How are you today?

I see you're fighting with anxiety,I'm fighting with depression.I don't know which one is worst🤔.On peut pleurer ensemble si tu veux😂

Es-tu retournée vivre chez tes parents ?

Je connais aussi cette situation.They can't understand what you are living.

We can talk about it if you want.

Quelles cochonneries ces merdes entre deroxat et effexor,je me demande quel est le pire!!??

Allez courage,stay strong!!

Take Care.

French Girl.

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Erell

Hi Frenchiegirl! 

 

Today has been and is a really rough day : not in terms of anxiety but in terms of dépression. Lot of crying spells and lot of High Spikes of despair. 

Believe me no one is better than the other ;)

 

I didn't come back To live with my parents  : I cry a lot, and know that it Will desperate them. I can't bear their anxiety for now!

 

You live on your own?

I admire you for Being able To work!!!

 

I would be very happy To talk with you! 😙

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Erell

Quick update of my day :

 

--》 strong despair all day, with crying spells. Crying was painful but also brought some relief To finally be able To.

---》 Today I increased magnesium citrate To one third of a spoon. I wonder : dont know if magnésium increased my despair feelings or If it allowed me To cry. 

---》 sadly the sea did'nt Bring relief Today.

--》 I experienced many doubts Today  : Will I ever Feel better? Will I be strong enough To go through this? What if things get worse?

 

Well what a strong wave my friends! I have to learn surfing :)

 

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Frenchgirl

Hi Erell 

I don't live from my own,i live in the house with my mother,i 'd say fortunately,it's helps.I'd say that working helps me,and forces me To go out the house and see other people.

When you want for having a talk.

Feel free To send me a MP if you want.

Warm wishes.😙

FG.

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Sassenach
10 hours ago, Erell said:

ist of improvments  :

- I live without vertigos 

- far less burn feelings in my body, same for tingling. No more problems with equilibrium.

- no more nauseas 

- appetite came back (it dépends : yesterday I haven't been able To eat, except for bananas).

- I can live out of my bed!

- far less tremors

- I can go out even with anxiety!!!!!!

- I can see the sea!!!

- i've been able To wash myself

- i've been able To clean my flat 

- terror disappear !!!!!!!! 😍

- I'm able To read! Not always easy To concentrate 

- i've been able To cry,  and I really needed it.

Hi Erell

This good, this is positive.

tell me if you sleep better tonight please.

Sorry short on time now.

Dormez bien.

 

Sass

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Giulietta
1 hour ago, Erell said:

I experienced many doubts Today  : Will I ever Feel better? Will I be strong enough To go through this? What if things get worse?

Yes you will feel better.

Yes you can and will do this. You are strong.

Things will turnaround. Be patient. 😊 As mustafa said - healing isn't linear. You feel better and 'move forward' - and then you have more symptoms so it seems you are going backward. 🤔 

 

28 minutes ago, Frenchgirl said:

i live in the house with my mother,i 'd say fortunately,it's helps.I'd say that working helps me,and forces me To go out the house and see other people.

 

@Frenchgirl is right. Working is helpful - a part-time job might be an option for you? Living with my family has helped me too.

 

🤗 Big hugs.

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Erell

Hi Sass 

Don't be sorry, I assume it means you're having an active life..its good To read that some of us are :)

 

Evening outside : I have To be prescribed days off work To give To my boss. Unfortunately there's no doctor who can receive me before next week

So I'm in a place where you can see a doctor on evenings without appointments. But there is around 10persons before me...have To be patient, again ;)

 

I Will tell you tomorrow how I sleep tonight. But do you particulary highlight this point? It is a bad sign ?

 

Take care of you dear Sass, looking forward To talk about bonny Scotland with you 😊

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Erell

@Frenchgirl and @Guilietta : yes I agree, a  job might help To distract. 

I think it is too soon for me : the violency of my despair makes me cry everywhere (even at grocery Today...). And I still expérience High Spike of anxiety when I'm too far from my flat..my job implies To be on the road, lead meetings, leading teams....

 

I can't imagine myself leading anything right now  😄 

 

I hear what you both say about living with family : as soon as I Feel few improvments I think I'll go spend some days with them :)

 

 

thank you both, need so much hugs and hope these days 😙

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Sassenach
19 minutes ago, Erell said:

It is a bad sign ?

No but if it working it should calm you and help sleep.

 

20 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

Take care of you dear Sass, looking forward To talk about bonny Scotland with you

I look forward to that too, but

21 minutes ago, Erell said:

Don't be sorry, I assume it means you're having an active life..its good To read that some of us are

It means it so busy on here and I am stuck in front of a computer😩

 

Sleep tight

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Erell
1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

No but if it working it should calm you and help sleep.

You mean that the holding on 10mg is not  working ????

 

2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

 

I look forward to that too, but

It means it so busy on here and I am stuck in front of a computer😩

 

Oh ! And I Continue To ask you questions! How many mods are they? Let's hope for an incredible window for everybody which could leave all mods quiet  😇

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