Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Sassenach]

Good morning.

Changes are good and you are experiencing them quickly.

Look after you and you will be fine.

Sass

[Erell]

Thank you Sass  

 

You really think that I'm experiencing changes quickly? To me it is more like everyday is the same nightmare.  But it is Nice To have another point of view. 

[Sassenach]

Same nightmare, different actors 😙

[Erell]

Like a discount Hollywood casting!

 

To me it looks like the same actors are playing everyday, anxiety and despair. I'm gonna reread my diaries To see the changes

[Cocopuffz17]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

@Cocopuffz17 : thank you for your support  😍 i read your thread everyday, it helps me!

 

👍, you are welcome: I know how awful battling it out with these drugs are. We all need each other. It helps so much. Everyday that passes is another day closer to being healed! 

[Sassenach]

Thank you for the help with Vega.

[Erell]

As I Said, I reread my diaries. Don't Feel like you need To answer To this post. I do it because I need To and because I Feel the need To share it 🙃

So this is my day 13 on 10mg Paroxetine and no suppléments except for magnésium citrate. There are some improvments on symptoms that happened before I started To post here (I took a few notes during September)

 

List of improvments  :

- I live without vertigos 

- far less burn feelings in my body, same for tingling. No more problems with equilibrium.

- no more nauseas 

- appetite came back (it dépends : yesterday I haven't been able To eat, except for bananas).

- I can live out of my bed!

- far less tremors

- I can go out even with anxiety!!!!!!

- I can see the sea!!!

- i've been able To wash myself

- i've been able To clean my flat 

- terror disappear !!!!!!!! 😍

- I'm able To read! Not always easy To concentrate 

- i've been able To cry,  and I really needed it.

 

 

List of changes and improvments I strongly expect (but have To be patient...)

 

- these past few days I experienced strong despair. This is not an easy symptom To cope. I try many tools : walks outside, sudoku, YouTube silly vidéos, gratitude list...but it feels like this neuroemotion is stronger than me.

- I also expérienced the feeling of Being strongly disconnected, stranger in a world I can't relate To. Like living in a dream. This is also a hard symptom To cope. Same thing with what may have been anhedonia. 

- my sleep is not as good as it was in Septembre  : even when I was strongly anxious, I was able To sleep 8hours without waking up during the night. 

Cortisol Spikes are new To me. 

- I Feel like I would need To be with others, but it also makes me very anxious. Seems easier To cope alone. But also Feel very lonely..Don't know how To manage it.

- tinnitus is new too. I don't have it all day. 

- my legs are painfull, like if I had run a marathon. But I'm not worried about it.

- can't take naps even when I Feel like I need it. 

 

 

[Erell]

15 hours ago, mustafa said:

Hi erell, I make sense to that statement. Likee when started rapid taper, it was like your brain turned to a blocks. No any neurosmitter work and can't give your opinion or think almost at all. I don't know exactly what you suffer from. But for this, it is ok. Your neurosmitter will start to connect and work for you again.

Don't be scared about that. If you think into your self that you are ok to withstand and resist, keep going.

I hope to be talking in the goal.

I hope you get well soon❤️

Oh mustafa, don't know how but I missed your post!

Thank you so much !

[Cocopuffz17]

52 minutes ago, Erell said:

As I Said, I reread my diaries. Don't Feel like you need To answer To this post. I do it because I need To and because I Feel the need To share it 🙃

So this is my day 13 on 10mg Paroxetine and no suppléments except for magnésium citrate. There are some improvments on symptoms that happened before I started To post here (I took a few notes during September)

 

List of improvments  :

- I live without vertigos 

- far less burn feelings in my body, same for tingling. No more problems with equilibrium.

- no more nauseas 

- appetite came back (it dépends : yesterday I haven't been able To eat, except for bananas).

- I can live out of my bed!

- far less tremors

- I can go out even with anxiety!!!!!!

- I can see the sea!!!

- i've been able To wash myself

- i've been able To clean my flat 

- terror disappear !!!!!!!! 😍

- I'm able To read! Not always easy To concentrate 

- i've been able To cry,  and I really needed it.

 

 

That is so great! Crying, such a great emotion! It’s one of the measurements I use for knowing I am healing.... I literally was unable to cry while on the medication. (3 times in the last 11 years) Now I can feel this emotion for happy and sad occasions and it is amazing. 

[mustafa]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Oh mustafa, don't know how but I missed your post!

Thank you so much !

never mind Erell,

iam so happy to know that you had a list of improvments. this makes me feel hopeful. keep going despite despair. 

some foods that improved despair for me are: all types of nuts ,Pistachio,  Almond , Peanuts,...etc ; I find them great for mode improvement, and make me ok to practise sport so have some of them/day.

have a good day.

[Sassenach]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

even when I was strongly anxious, I was able To sleep 8hours without waking up during the night. 

Cortisol Spikes are new To me. 

You see the changes now?

Is your bedroom completely dark with either thick or blackout curtains, if not a sleep mask may help?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi Sass 

No I didn't see improvments with m'y sleep. My room is in complete darkness.

 

Can't stop crying right now, I don't know how To find hope.

[Vegalia]

I think an you Erell, you will find hope ! 

 

Je crois en toi !

 

Vega.

[mustafa]

47 minutes ago, Erell said:

Hi Sass 

No I didn't see improvments with m'y sleep. My room is in complete darkness.

 

Can't stop crying right now, I don't know how To find hope.

crying is a good sign you are getting ok.

we are all like you, you arent alone.

even if it is linear, improvement is taking place and soon you will sleep well.

 

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

I was thinking of you yesterday afternoon and wonder how you have decided with work and where to live for a while.

 

You are making terrific progress!!!  

 

Anxiety and despair are flip sides of the same coin.

 

I had the aching legs - feel like you ran a marathon - on Friday (I think Friday).Good way to put it. 

 

 

[Erell]

4 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

 

You are making terrific progress!!!  

Do you really think so?

I'm feeling now like I'm stuck in doubts, believing my condition is worse and going To be be worse, and that I Will never Feel better. Unable To imagine à better future.

 

Thank you @mustafa for thinking I'm getting ok

I try hard To believe it.

[Frenchgirl]

Hi Erell

How are you today?

I see you're fighting with anxiety,I'm fighting with depression.I don't know which one is worst🤔.On peut pleurer ensemble si tu veux😂

Es-tu retournée vivre chez tes parents ?

Je connais aussi cette situation.They can't understand what you are living.

We can talk about it if you want.

Quelles cochonneries ces merdes entre deroxat et effexor,je me demande quel est le pire!!??

Allez courage,stay strong!!

Take Care.

French Girl.

[Erell]

Hi Frenchiegirl! 

 

Today has been and is a really rough day : not in terms of anxiety but in terms of dépression. Lot of crying spells and lot of High Spikes of despair. 

Believe me no one is better than the other

 

I didn't come back To live with my parents  : I cry a lot, and know that it Will desperate them. I can't bear their anxiety for now!

 

You live on your own?

I admire you for Being able To work!!!

 

I would be very happy To talk with you! 😙

[Erell]

Quick update of my day :

 

--》 strong despair all day, with crying spells. Crying was painful but also brought some relief To finally be able To.

---》 Today I increased magnesium citrate To one third of a spoon. I wonder : dont know if magnésium increased my despair feelings or If it allowed me To cry. 

---》 sadly the sea did'nt Bring relief Today.

--》 I experienced many doubts Today  : Will I ever Feel better? Will I be strong enough To go through this? What if things get worse?

 

Well what a strong wave my friends! I have to learn surfing

 

[Frenchgirl]

Hi Erell 

I don't live from my own,i live in the house with my mother,i 'd say fortunately,it's helps.I'd say that working helps me,and forces me To go out the house and see other people.

When you want for having a talk.

Feel free To send me a MP if you want.

Warm wishes.😙

FG.

[Sassenach]

10 hours ago, Erell said:

ist of improvments  :

- I live without vertigos 

- far less burn feelings in my body, same for tingling. No more problems with equilibrium.

- no more nauseas 

- appetite came back (it dépends : yesterday I haven't been able To eat, except for bananas).

- I can live out of my bed!

- far less tremors

- I can go out even with anxiety!!!!!!

- I can see the sea!!!

- i've been able To wash myself

- i've been able To clean my flat 

- terror disappear !!!!!!!! 😍

- I'm able To read! Not always easy To concentrate 

- i've been able To cry,  and I really needed it.

Hi Erell

This good, this is positive.

tell me if you sleep better tonight please.

Sorry short on time now.

Dormez bien.

 

Sass

[Giulietta]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I experienced many doubts Today  : Will I ever Feel better? Will I be strong enough To go through this? What if things get worse?

Yes you will feel better.

Yes you can and will do this. You are strong.

Things will turnaround. Be patient. 😊 As mustafa said - healing isn't linear. You feel better and 'move forward' - and then you have more symptoms so it seems you are going backward. 🤔 

 

28 minutes ago, Frenchgirl said:

i live in the house with my mother,i 'd say fortunately,it's helps.I'd say that working helps me,and forces me To go out the house and see other people.

 

@Frenchgirl is right. Working is helpful - a part-time job might be an option for you? Living with my family has helped me too.

 

🤗 Big hugs.

[Erell]

Hi Sass 

Don't be sorry, I assume it means you're having an active life..its good To read that some of us are

 

Evening outside : I have To be prescribed days off work To give To my boss. Unfortunately there's no doctor who can receive me before next week

So I'm in a place where you can see a doctor on evenings without appointments. But there is around 10persons before me...have To be patient, again

 

I Will tell you tomorrow how I sleep tonight. But do you particulary highlight this point? It is a bad sign ?

 

Take care of you dear Sass, looking forward To talk about bonny Scotland with you 😊

[Erell]

@Frenchgirl and @Guilietta : yes I agree, a  job might help To distract. 

I think it is too soon for me : the violency of my despair makes me cry everywhere (even at grocery Today...). And I still expérience High Spike of anxiety when I'm too far from my flat..my job implies To be on the road, lead meetings, leading teams....

 

I can't imagine myself leading anything right now  😄 

 

I hear what you both say about living with family : as soon as I Feel few improvments I think I'll go spend some days with them

 

 

thank you both, need so much hugs and hope these days 😙

[Sassenach]

19 minutes ago, Erell said:

It is a bad sign ?

No but if it working it should calm you and help sleep.

 

20 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

Take care of you dear Sass, looking forward To talk about bonny Scotland with you

I look forward to that too, but

21 minutes ago, Erell said:

Don't be sorry, I assume it means you're having an active life..its good To read that some of us are

It means it so busy on here and I am stuck in front of a computer😩

 

Sleep tight

[Erell]

1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

No but if it working it should calm you and help sleep.

You mean that the holding on 10mg is not  working ????

 

2 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

 

I look forward to that too, but

It means it so busy on here and I am stuck in front of a computer😩

 

Oh ! And I Continue To ask you questions! How many mods are they? Let's hope for an incredible window for everybody which could leave all mods quiet  😇

[Giulietta]

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I think it is too soon for me : the violency of my despair makes me cry everywhere (even at grocery Today...). And I still expérience High Spike of anxiety when I'm too far from my flat..

 

Hello dear Erell,

 

The phobia / anxiety about leaving your flat is unnerving (no pun intended ).  I find I do better if I have a fixed desgination, purpose - know who I am going to see, when, etc. I minimize the 'risk' / anxiety by planning my trip. After my first CT - I was house bound for a while and I did have a lot of panic. I did not know what on earth happened to me - and why couldn't I drive 10 minutes to the grocery store? On those days I could not have driven to work. I understand. 

 

I worked part-time from home for 2 years - it was just 8-10 hours a week and hours were flexible so if I wasn't feeling well I could work other hours. Is there something like that which you could do? Even if it is a job that doesn't have the challenge of your leadership/travel job - it give you some structure and distration.  I found the hours I worked I looked forward to. I focused on only my work and I got a modest pay check, too. 😊

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I can't imagine myself leading anything right now

 

I can't lead anything at my best. 😂

 

When you are feeling better - I hope you visit your parents. I needed my family. Even when I felt really bad - and I didn't want others to see me - I just went into my room, closed the door, watched TV, took a nap, or like you cried.

 

It is nice to have a friend in France.

 

Sleep well,

 

Giuilietta

 

Edited October 7, 2019 by Guilietta
System posted message without last paragraph and lines.

[India]

Hello @Erell, you are in the right place. Many of us are feeling the fear, but others are further along able to offer hope and suggestions on a physical, practical, psychological and spiritual plane.

When I feel fear I read over and over and over the Success Stories. Also listen to the “let’s talk withdrawal” podcasts of others who have come out the other side of this.

[Erell]

10 hours ago, Erell said:

You mean that the holding on 10mg is not  working ????

@Sassenach : I panicked..But now I understand your were talking about magnesium  😳

 

Diary Monday 7th October / day 13 on 10mg Paroxetine / day 7 with magnésium  (increased this day)

 

7.15am : woke up anxious (7) 

8am : 10mg Paroxetine 

9.30am : Spike of despair (8).

10am : felt really tired, but don't want To take a 'toxic nap

10.30 am : Spike of despair (8) : want To crybut can't. 

11.30 am : short walk outside. Anxiety (6) / despair (7)

12.20 : Spike of despair (9). Quick suicidal thought. Crying.

1pm : internal tremors

1.20pm : Spike of despair (9). Can't stop Crying. Not suicidal but don't know how I Will be able To get through this. Full of doubts. 

This Spike is going To last 1hour.

2.30pm : went outside To walk.

3.30pm : back home. Anxiety : 5 / despair: 7

4pm : restlessness in legs and arms

4.20pm : Spike of despair, crying

5pm : anxiety : 5 / despair  : 7

5.30pm : internal tremors during an hour

7pm : headache. Anxiety  : 5 / despair:6

8pm To 9pm : in the waiting room To see a doctor To be off work 

9.30pm : in bed. Headache. Anxiety: 4 / despair: 5

10.30pm : lights of

 

This night : I Feel like I slept better. Fell asleep around 11pm and woke up anxious at 4 am. Managed To fell asleep again and woke up at 6am feeling totally awake. Anxiety was at 6.

 

Now : feeling some pain in all my muscles like if all my body had run a marathon. But it is totally tolerable. 

I also Feel bellypain : I'll see Today if it lasts, could be related To magnesium. 

 

 

Sorry, maybe my diaries are too long. I'll try To make them shorter!

[Cocopuffz17]

14 minutes ago, Erell said:

@Sassenach : I panicked..But now I understand your were talking about magnesium  😳

 

Diary Monday 7th October / day 13 on 10mg Paroxetine / day 7 with magnésium  (increased this day)

 

7.15am : woke up anxious (7) 

8am : 10mg Paroxetine 

9.30am : Spike of despair (8).

10am : felt really tired, but don't want To take a 'toxic nap

10.30 am : Spike of despair (8) : want To crybut can't. 

11.30 am : short walk outside. Anxiety (6) / despair (7)

12.20 : Spike of despair (9). Quick suicidal thought. Crying.

1pm : internal tremors

1.20pm : Spike of despair (9). Can't stop Crying. Not suicidal but don't know how I Will be able To get through this. Full of doubts. 

This Spike is going To last 1hour.

2.30pm : went outside To walk.

3.30pm : back home. Anxiety : 5 / despair: 7

4pm : restlessness in legs and arms

4.20pm : Spike of despair, crying

5pm : anxiety : 5 / despair  : 7

5.30pm : internal tremors during an hour

7pm : headache. Anxiety  : 5 / despair:6

8pm To 9pm : in the waiting room To see a doctor To be off work 

9.30pm : in bed. Headache. Anxiety: 4 / despair: 5

10.30pm : lights of

 

This night : I Feel like I slept better. Fell asleep around 11pm and woke up anxious at 4 am. Managed To fell asleep again and woke up at 6am feeling totally awake. Anxiety was at 6.

 

Now : feeling some pain in all my muscles like if all my body had run a marathon. But it is totally tolerable. 

I also Feel bellypain : I'll see Today if it lasts, could be related To magnesium. 

 

 

Sorry, maybe my diaries are too long. I'll try To make them shorter!

 

Hey, things will get better. Did you cry when you were on 20 mg, like in day to day life? 

Ive been crying and I love it because it’s a clear sign my emotions are not being numbed anymore. When I was on.20mg I only cried 3 times in 11 years. I remember every time. 

 

No need to apologize for your log. It’s great to have good detail. You will look back one day and be like I can’t believe I was there. That you got past it and are capable of anything! 

 

Each day that passes is one more day closer to being healed! 

[Erell]

Hi @Cocopuffz17 !

Actually I don't remember if I cried on 20mg. I think I did. But it is certain that I was feeling kind of numbness, acting like a robot thinking it was the real me...then I tappered benzos, and even if it has been a very hard journey, I slowly found again my capacity To Feel émotions. That is exactly why i'll never touch a benzo again

 

On one hand it is good To be able To cry, on the other hand dépression really is a rough symptom 😉

I'm happy To read that you find yourself able To Feel again emotions!!! 😙

[sunnysideup69]

Hello @Erell, coming over to wave at you and say, you are so positive and uplifting, thank you.

 

How are you doing? I'm in London and it's a cloudy morning here. Going out for a gentle run. After my 'crash' in mood on Sunday/Monday, feeling a bit better this morning. These weird moods come and go.

 

Sending sunshine xxx

[Erell]

Hi @sunnysideup69 !

 

So kind of you stopping by here! Thank you!

I find it kind of funny that you talk about me Being positive while all I do is complaining and talk about despair these days 😄 but it feels Nice: if you think I'm positive, it means that I stay strong ! Thank you!

 

Cloudy morning here too in Brittany. So happy To read you're feeling a bit better! And you are able To run 😀 this is huge! 

 

Lot of sunshine for you too !

[Erell]

Sweet  @Guilietta,

It feels Nice for me To have such a strong and positive friend  😙

 

Maybe I'll have To reconsider my job, maybe quit it and find another less stressfull. For now I wanna keep believing that I Will still be able To go To my work, it helps me To Feel hope.

We'll see what the future Will be

 

Breaking news : I discovered at 9am that I have my periods! This is way too early, Im supposed To have them in one week and a half. This could explain the violency of sadness of the last few days.

And why I Feel so tired Today.

At least, this explanation reassure me 😉

During this dose 's hold I'm gonna have To observe my cycle To see if there is a pattern.

Do you do this? 

 

Hope you're currently sleeping Well 😙

[Erell]

9 hours ago, India said:

Also listen to the “let’s talk withdrawal” podcasts of others who have come out the other side of this.

Oh I didn't know there was a podcast! Not sure I Will be able to understand the English talkings,  but I could try !

 

So kind of you for stopping by here! Thank you! 😙

[mustafa]

@Erell hello erell, how are you today? i hope you are ok.

when i came to this site, gridley advised me not to over analize my self, this can make us upset a little. ignore as you can; ignorance of withdrawals can make you wait more without being despaired(if you understand me). i know all of us can reaely do this, but it greatly helps  negative emotions and that made me try , so do you

have a good day, erell