argBlackbird: five years on sertraline

[argBlackbird]

Hey guys, my name is Charlie and I've been on sertraline for five years, I tried to come off it about two years back but it took an abnormally long period of time. Anyways, hi.

[argBlackbird]

I don't understand what went wrong

 

I first tried to get off sertraline for my OCD four years ago when I was at school because I thought it wasn't working well enough (I didn't take it long enough for it to have full effect). I tried to come off it so many times it was ridiculous. I was on 50mg and went cold turkey everytime, I spent months apon months off the pills and no matter how long I waited I never felt the way I used to, I still don't. It felt like the pills pushed a switch in my head and from then on I was destined to think a certain way. 

 

I spent years in that absolutely just horrific state. I was at secondary school at the time and couldn't make no friends, couldn't do anything a lad should be doing that age. No matter what I did, I couldn't ever feel the same again. I started college a few years later and was just sick to death of being alone, I upped my dose to 200mg thinking that would help but then again I stopped taking them cold turkey. I said screw this, I'm done with the pills and I'm gonna stay home until I feel like the old me again. 

 

Fast forward a whole year without even a trace of the sertraline and I still felt the same, I felt better, but barely. I was suicidal at that point so I gave up and took the pills again. I'm on them now, I'm taking them properly (taking them consistently for six weeks) and I would be lying if they didn't help me a lot, but still I want to know why my sertraline withdrawal never ended, I want to know why I still don't feel the same. I looked up everywhere for answers I went to four therapists and my doctor and they couldn't help me, no one could help me. I NEED to know why I lost so many years of my life, I need to know why I still don't feel the same.

 

 

Is there a name for this, being stuck in a certain way from a ssri? I felt like my brain has been permanantly changed and can never go back. I'm calm now the pills are doing that for me, but If I ever want to come off the sertraline will it be exactly the same? Will nothing change? Did I just get a short straw and withdrawal is especially bad for me? In all honestly I need answers, I don't want anyone to ever go through what I did, especially a kid.

Edited September 25, 2019 by ChessieCat
added topic title

[Altostrata]

Welcome, AR.

 

It's been a year since you cold-turkeyed 200mg sertraline? Did you have withdrawal symptoms when you went off? What's your current symptom pattern? How has it changed in the last 6 months?

 

Yes, we have many people here with post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS).

[argBlackbird]

Hey man, so essentially I went cold turkey off 200mg of sertraline about 18 months ago, I was off the pills for 9 months and was seeing progression to how I used to be but at a grueling pace. I was home bound for that entire time, I tried to understand why I was getting better but at a ridiculously slow rate. I started taking sertraline again but only at 50mg to see if tapering (in a way) would help. I thought maybe going cold turkey left my brain in a state of complete disarray and it wasn't reparing properly because it was in a shock, I suppose. Reinstating the medication did help, after the first two weeks I felt so happy and calm I could cry. You see, I took sertraline numerous times before, but because the sertraline can make you sometimes worse before you get better, I always thought it was making me worse and quit using it before I reached the two week mark, where my anxiety started improving to a very large extent. In all honesty, I blame my therapist and psychiatrist for not knowing this about my medication. They never once told me about withdrawal, they never told me it could make you worse before you get better, they never told me about a single side effect. I was just at a kid at the time and I thought of ssris as the same as paracetamol or aspirin unaware of how complicated they could be.  I've spent nine months back on the medication and it has been the best part of my life, period ( I know it's ironic). I actually went down from 50mg to 25mg because I was having sexual problems. I had some withdrawal symptoms but they were so insignificant that I didn't even realize they were there until two weeks after when the symptoms went away. Tapering has made withdrawal exponentially easier, reducing months of torture into weeks of basically not even noticing it. Even when I went cold turkey off 50mg when I was much younger I was not seeing improvements as nearly as fast. It seems whenever I come off the medication cold turkey the duration of withdrawal takes a much larger period of time then it does with tapering.

 

Why I'm here is, essentially I've lost a large chunk of my childhood to this, I'm 18 now (19 in December) and if I'm being honest since the day I was born I never had a friend, I never felt truly happy, it was pure torture, I thought about and planned to kill myself every day. I'm fine now, I'm getting my life together and starting to actually feel like a human being but I can't let this go. I'm not obsessing about it or anything, but I mean if I'm going to let all this pain I've experienced happen to someone else what was the point of going through it in the first place?

 

I need to know why tapering (for me) was so effective, and I need to know if I ever come off this medication, am I going to have to go through hell again? I keep thinking why isn't anyone talking about this? I really hope I was very unlucky, and drew the short straw. I'm really hoping that the way sertraline has affected me is very rare but any answers would be appreciated.

 

 

Edited September 26, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed asterisks

[alexrosear]

'I felt like my brain has been permanantly changed and can never go back'

Can you explain this in more details?

 

I had a similar  devastating  experience with sertraline while at school. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Solidarity. 

 

[argBlackbird]

2 hours ago, alexrosear said:

'I felt like my brain has been permanantly changed and can never go back'

Can you explain this in more details?

 

I had a similar  devastating  experience with sertraline while at school. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Solidarity. 

 

 

Honestly it's quite hard to explain. God I wish medication didn't affect people in such a variety of ways then we could actually compile what happens. So basically, I have OCD and that causes a lot of anxiety. I took the medication and it helped with my anxiety a lot. However, I still obsessed. So essentially the sertraline helped with my anxiety tons but didn't stop my mind going in circles.

 

I felt like the medication suppressed my anxiety, which is good and a genuine route to take, however facing your anxiety is another way of eradicating it and while my anxiety is suppressed I'm not able to face my anxiety and so my brain is stuck in a certain way of thinking.

 

I don't expect any of this to make any sense,in all honesty I spent all of those nine months trying to understand what is going wrong but I simply can't put it into words.

 

I don't know and probably won't ever know how to put into words what I felt like, all I want to know is, why going cold Turkey made my recovery so much.longer. I feel like this in an important thing to talk about because of how badly it ***** up my life.

[Znarkz]

I recognize myself alot from what you are describing, especially the switch, as if something har been turned off in the brain.

I came off sertraline 1,5 years ago, was on them for 6 years. I have been on and off the different medications since then, im now 2,5 weeks off from sertraline.

It doesnt matter if ive been on medication or not, ive still not felt the same way since quitting the drug 1,5 years ago. I feel emotionally detached from Everything around me and especially people, like nothing excites, talking and interact with people has become a nightmare due to the fact i never feel that i can connect and feel genualy happy, its just a burden to talk. I feel quite calm though, in a bad way, and i Think that its because i can no longer feel emotions. it does effect me and i am very anxious but its more mental anxiety. The fact that i feel so off makes it almost impossible for me to feel upset over my situation. I cant cry even though all this makes me really sad, and i can not laugh for real. Something has happend with my brain, like something Went haywire the first time i came off the drug and it has not repaired itself since then.

I struggle with mental OCD, repeating Words and sentences in different ways in my head to try to be calm in social situations, it is rreally frustrating and makes me feel really cut of or detached and tired. Its like i never feel comfortable due to this.

Could you please try to explain how you feel that your brain has been impaired. Can you still "feel" 100 procent? Do you Think about your different mental situation alot since the switch turned off?

It would be really great to hear from you again to see if your situation is somewhat similair to mine?

I really feel for you and hopefully the brain will tune in to normal mode in the near future!

 

Best wishes

 

[argBlackbird]

11 hours ago, Znarkz said:

I recognize myself alot from what you are describing, especially the switch, as if something har been turned off in the brain.

I came off sertraline 1,5 years ago, was on them for 6 years. I have been on and off the different medications since then, im now 2,5 weeks off from sertraline.

It doesnt matter if ive been on medication or not, ive still not felt the same way since quitting the drug 1,5 years ago. I feel emotionally detached from Everything around me and especially people, like nothing excites, talking and interact with people has become a nightmare due to the fact i never feel that i can connect and feel genualy happy, its just a burden to talk. I feel quite calm though, in a bad way, and i Think that its because i can no longer feel emotions. it does effect me and i am very anxious but its more mental anxiety. The fact that i feel so off makes it almost impossible for me to feel upset over my situation. I cant cry even though all this makes me really sad, and i can not laugh for real. Something has happend with my brain, like something Went haywire the first time i came off the drug and it has not repaired itself since then.

I struggle with mental OCD, repeating Words and sentences in different ways in my head to try to be calm in social situations, it is rreally frustrating and makes me feel really cut of or detached and tired. Its like i never feel comfortable due to this.

Could you please try to explain how you feel that your brain has been impaired. Can you still "feel" 100 procent? Do you Think about your different mental situation alot since the switch turned off?

It would be really great to hear from you again to see if your situation is somewhat similair to mine?

I really feel for you and hopefully the brain will tune in to normal mode in the near future!

 

Best wishes

'I'm sorry I can't explain how my brain has changed at all, it's just too complicated.

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, arg. What we see here is that recovery is very slow and gradual for anyone with post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). We advocate a gradual taper to avoid triggering acute withdrawal symptoms, which can persist and become PAWS. Cold turkey is high-risk for acute withdrawal symptoms and PAWS.

 

So in that regard, your experience is what we'd expect.

 

I am sorry so much of your youth was shadowed by psychiatric drug treatment. What kind of drug-related symptoms do you have now?

[argBlackbird]

Hey Alto,

 

The fact you've heard of this happening before is really bloody aggravating to say the least, wish any of the doctors I see would of even had a hint of this happening. But I guess it's to be expected, the place where I live isn't exactly a utopia and I get the feeling these symptoms aren't too common. Yeah losing a lot of my youth is a real bummer, but I can get over it, I mean I'm only 18 it's not too late to do what I wanna do and get out there, it's just rebuilding my life that's the hard bit. I feel underdeveloped in every strand of the word but everyday I'm feeling more mature.

 

I don't really get any drug related symptoms I don't like, they work as fully intended, at the moment I have no motivation to come off my sertraline completely. I basically came onto this forum to find answers, to try and prevent these things from happening. I feel like I'm lucky I have quite a optimistic temperament, otherwise I probably wouldn't be here today.

 

Thank you for the info, it makes an awful and chaotic experience seem a lot more normal to an extent.

 

 

[Altostrata]

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[Altostrata]

Hello, @argBlackbird, how are you doing?