sunnysideup69: what can I do to stabilise on venlafaxine

[Guilietta]

3 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Try to think of it that your brain is doing more adjustments

 

It's hard to believe that this is really what's happening during waves. Even though I read about it I still can't wrap my head around it.  (no pun intended)

 

3 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I don't normally spend time dwelling on it but WD brain seems to churn it up.

Have some lovely friends but yes, to have a special someone one day would be marvellous.

 

Maybe this is part of anxiety. Loss and mourning are part of anxiety, I think. I worry about losing my dog too - even though he can be a pest sometimes and the vet is expensive. Pet insurance is a  panacea - especially for older pets. 

 

I feel the same way about meeting my 'other'.  I wonder if men feel the same way?

 

Thank you for the link.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

Notes for Thursday 28th November

 

Woke in the night, went back to sleep

5am got up

530 bath

600 breakfast  anxiety is mounting, gets to about 3/4

7am Venlafaxine XR 75mg, leave for work

745 arrive at work depression has taken over, about 3/4

All morning, I have mini waves of feeling this depression alternating with feeling ok, I have a background commentary running on how awful I feel going on in my head

1220 lunch the feeling of depression gradually starts to diminish

1530 go home 

1630 arrive home feeling ok now

1730 supper

1830 listened to body scan, fell asleep

2130 woke up and took myself to bed, slept

 

Notes for Friday 29th November

Woke in the night around 3am, then patchy on/off sleep

Woke in the night, went back to sleep

5am got up

530 bath

600 breakfast anxiety is mounting and I feel exhausted, anx about 3

7am Venlafaxine XR 75mg, leave for work

745 arrive at work feeling a bit brighter, lifted, but nauseous, anxiety then gradually declines to zero and stays away for the rest of the day

1220 lunch

1630 go home 

1730 arrive home

1830 supper

1930 listened to body scan, fell asleep

2200 woke up, now really awake, don't feel like sleep at all overly awake, feel a bit hyper

2330 took myself to bed

0000 still awake, probably drifted off around 0015

 

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

This morning, am ok, but in my head, I'm still 'at work' churning something over. Going OUT now, to distract myself.

[Guilietta]

Hi Sweetie,

 

Have you enjoyed your distraction time? How is the weather?

 

Even though you may be rationalizing/problem - solving approach through some difficult things - like your brother's situation - and thoughts about living withiout your parents - these can add to ruminating. These thoughts come out of nowhere - or a little thing can set them off. It is a broken record. Even though the ups and downs of depression and anxiety which you describe are part of WD - and the ruminations too - it's easy to forget that they are part of WD for most/many of us. I think that they go for as long as they do gets us asking questions and driving ruminations.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Sunny here so far - but expecting crummy weather (read: snow, ice, wind....) so I will be heading out soon.... sunny side up.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

[sunnysideup69]

16 hours ago, Guilietta said:

Hi Sweetie,

 

Have you enjoyed your distraction time? How is the weather?

 

Even though you may be rationalizing/problem - solving approach through some difficult things - like your brother's situation - and thoughts about living withiout your parents - these can add to ruminating. These thoughts come out of nowhere - or a little thing can set them off. It is a broken record. Even though the ups and downs of depression and anxiety which you describe are part of WD - and the ruminations too - it's easy to forget that they are part of WD for most/many of us. I think that they go for as long as they do gets us asking questions and driving ruminations.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Sunny here so far - but expecting crummy weather (read: snow, ice, wind....) so I will be heading out soon.... sunny side up.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

Morning Guilietta,

Question, have you had thanksgiving? I wasn't sure of the date, hope it was lovely if it happened already xxx Well, went food shopping yesterday and the ruminating stopped after getting some cold fresh air. I think I've always been a bit of a ruminant ,but it's definitely worse in WD. I think of Dr. Breggin's work, Your Drug May Be Your Problem, and I concur.....so I need to practise ways to break the ruminating pattern. Generally, fresh air, cold water and distraction work for me. It's really cold here. Have a lovely day xxx

[sunnysideup69]

Notes for Saturday 30th November 15 and a half weeks into Venlafaxine  

 

Today was a really good day, even started thinking about goals for next year and beyond.

 

5am up tired because I only drifted off to sleep around midnight

6am breakfast some ruminating about a situation at work, but mood is good, this continues on and off until 9am (anxiety 1)

7am Venlafaxine 75mg Xr

8am bath

9am food shopping enjoy being out, anxiety gone and stays away. Spent morning shopping and then cooking food.

1200 lunch

1500 5k run felt really happy after completing run, everything feels well in my world

Spent afternoon relaxing and listening to music

1800 supper 

Watching TV and laughing

2100 meditation etc, fell asleep 

2200 bed

 

I think part of the good mood was because of an amazing dream I had on Friday night.

To summarise: I was climbing upwards through a really tall house.

I left behind my partying ( old days) in the basement and was aiming for the roof garden.

As I climbed upwards, the footholds got more and more precarious and at one point I was just holding on to the walls with my arms. I was scared I would fall and die. Something always seemed to rescue me in the nick of time. There were also people climbing behind me and I couldn't turn back.

 

When I got to the roof garden, it wasn't like The Garden of Eden as I had imagined. (One of my companions wasn't very impressed, it was very sparse, a tree here and there and a bush.) However, I was just so delighted at how ordinary it was, and how I had managed to get there, and how I had been saved everytime I had thought I might fail. It also had an amazing view over the whole of London, and put everything into perspective.

❤️❤️❤️ 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guilietta]

Hello there....

 

I like your dream about seeing the whole of London. I love the gardens that open from kitchens or dining areas. I am then in a little piece of heaven. Particularly with fresh baked bread and butter.

 

13 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I think I've always been a bit of a ruminant ,but it's definitely worse in WD.

 

Ditto.  I would add that people who are analytical (thinky) are prone to anxiety. I fit into that mold. I don't know what Dr. Breggin has to say about that. So you are the analytical/thinky type too I think. ?

 

Yes, we have had national food day in the USA. It was on Thursday. It is the busiest travel day of the year here. The day after Thanksgiving is 'Black Friday'. It is named because people immediately run out to the shoppingmalls and it is literally the first day of the year that retailers have a positive balance sheet.

 

13 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Generally, fresh air, cold water and distraction work for me

 

Fresh air/being outside is nice when it is warm. Being very active (and fast) helps me. Writing does NOT help me so I ought to get off the computer. 

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Guilietta, yes, am definitely 'thinky' .....it sometimes goes wonky. Deep down though, I am really a 'feeling' type, who never quite learned to process feelings in a healthy way. BUT, I'm learning now, and that's what counts. I hope your national food day was okay xxx

[sunnysideup69]

I'm gonna keep taking notes until I've had a good month of WD normal. Hasn't happened yet but I believe it's coming.....noticing quite a lot of ruminating in the morning until I get busy

 

Notes for Sunday December 1st Today, am mostly okay, sometimes happy, but occasional low level irritability creeps in. Early morning ruminating about work. I witnessed a teaching assistant being really unkind to a child on Friday and wrote an email to boss about it yesterday, so am nervous about the outcome

 

5am got up

600 breakfast

700 Venlafaxine XR 75mg ( forgot fish oil today, meant to take it after evening meal)

730 warm bath, followed by strength exercises

Spend the morning cleaning the flat, open the windows wide and let the freezing cold air in for 5 minutes, kind of enjoy the cleansing

1230 lunch

Call parents, dad triggers me a bit, but I get over it fairly quickly, however I do then get a headache which persists a lot of the afternoon

Spend the afternoon watching TV and listening to music, mood is okay, WD normal.

1800 supper

2000 watch 'His Dark Materials' and some comedy beforehand,

2100 listening to ASMR, fall asleep

2230 wake and take self to bed

 

 

[Guilietta]

Hello Sweetie,

 

So you are back to work today. Good for you. We got a huge snowstorm already and expect more snow this week. This s****.  Most of US is already under snow. The skiiers are happy. They must have someone who removes snow for them.

😂

 

6 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

am definitely 'thinky' .....it sometimes goes wonky. Deep down though, I am really a 'feeling' type, who never quite learned to process feelings in a healthy way. BUT, I'm learning now, and that's what counts.

 

Same here. I struggle still to identify my feelings but I am learning. We are not unique - many people at our ages are in the 'same boat' and learning to do this - to have a better life. There is no value in crying over spilt milk.

 

Part of my 'problem' is that my approach to discontent and negative feelings is to problem solve including in all of my jobs. Have you found this? So I never learned to identify feelings and process them - milk for meaning and then try to problem solve.

 

6 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I'm gonna keep taking notes until I've had a good month of WD normal. Hasn't happened yet but I believe it's coming.....noticing quite a lot of ruminating in the morning until I get busy

 

Good plan. I have faith that this month will happen soon. I'm trying to be optimistic - but holidays are a particularly rough time for me (like most people). I need to plan things that will help me through them (and the winter months).

 

I have not had a single month free from WD symptoms - not the minor pesky ones - but the uglies and incapacitating ones.  So I am every day noting these worst ones, when, the duration and any other comments I find relevant.  @Gridley how are you logging yours? Sorry about asking on your page...

 

I find reviewing them discomforting and just accept that they are going to continue for a while.

 

Have a wonderful day, love, as I think Londoners might say...

 

Hugs,

Giulietta

[Gridley]

28 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

how are you logging yours?

@Guilietta

I use a school-type notebook with this format

Number of hours sleep      day & date         level of symptoms a.m. (0 to 5)          list of symptoms 

                                                                           level of symptoms p.m.

[Guilietta]

1 hour ago, Gridley said:

level of symptoms a.m. (0 to 5)

 

Thanks. 

 

I find the numeric approach not as descriptive or able to help with memory (how many hours was I dizzy and couldn't stand, etc.) so use adjectives and details. Bit messy.

 

Tracking the sleep in this log is a good idea.

 

What do you do @sunnysideup69

[sunnysideup69]

Well, I'm really logging my symptoms here.

I've also got a month to view grid for each month, and whenever I have significant anxiety or depresion ie 5 or above (my scale goes up to ten) I colour a segment of that day with red (for anxiety) or yellow (for depression)....so mine is an at a glance colour chart. I am pleased to say that November looked a whole load better than Aug/Sep/Oct.

 

Also, am having another good day today. Still got itchy hive type rash under my eyes. Oh the joys of WD.

[thelegend]

Good to hear November looked much better than previous months. Looks like you are starting to get there...just know it will come. I am on 7 months now and still my improvements are VERY slight and spotty, But they are there and I will continue to hold to that.

[Guilietta]

12 minutes ago, thelegend said:

I am on 7 months now and still my improvements are VERY slight and spotty, But they are there and I will continue to hold to that.

 

I am so pleased that you are experiencing some improvements!

 

@sunnysideup69 I hope you had a lovely day.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

[Tom37]

Glad your seeing progress. Don’t get disappointed if you start to have a bumpy month or two as it’s still all windows and waves. Most important part is you are seeing improvement which will continue....it’s just time.

 

 

@thelegend Good to hear you have recognised some improvement no matter how small. It wasn’t until month 9 that I started to have periods of feeling significantly better.

[sunnysideup69]

6 hours ago, thelegend said:

Good to hear November looked much better than previous months. Looks like you are starting to get there...just know it will come. I am on 7 months now and still my improvements are VERY slight and spotty, But they are there and I will continue to hold to that.

Thanks @thelegend, it's been a tough old ride. A year and a half of wobbling around with an impatient few switches, which weren't a great idea at all. BUT, I've learned the hard way.

 

Thank you for your supportive words and yes, improvements are slow, aren't they? We've got to keep hanging in there, gonna check out your thread and read your story

[sunnysideup69]

6 hours ago, Guilietta said:

 

I am so pleased that you are experiencing some improvements!

 

@sunnysideup69 I hope you had a lovely day.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

Well, I had a day that was okay overall, WD normal with some really good bits. Watched 'The Misadventures of Romesh Ranganathan' (British comedian who travels to some interesting destinations to review eg Mongolia ) on BBC iplayer and found myself belly laughing at some parts

Hope your day was good xxx

[sunnysideup69]

6 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Glad your seeing progress. Don’t get disappointed if you start to have a bumpy month or two as it’s still all windows and waves. Most important part is you are seeing improvement which will continue....it’s just time.

 

 

@thelegend Good to hear you have recognised some improvement no matter how small. It wasn’t until month 9 that I started to have periods of feeling significantly better.

 

Thanks Tom, yep, trying not to now get really carried away and start burning up energy that I don't really have yet. I think that's often how I set myself back, but it's so hard to judge. I'm pretty sure there will be wobbles yet, but it's good to see some improvement. Slow and steady seems to be the way.

[sunnysideup69]

Notes for Monday 2nd December

 

Again, fell asleep early last night, but I feel as if I had a deep sleep, mostly a low symptom day, WD normal with some really good bits  

 

5am got up, awake slightly before

6am ruminating about work/family, this happens intermittently throughout morning, I try to distract every time

630 breakfast

700 Venlafaxine XR 75mg 

730 warm bath 1200mg fish oil

Morning pretty regular, shopping and cooking, wave of despondence/depression around 10am whilst food shopping, about 2/3 on the scale, but it goes within about 15 mins

1230 lunch, really enjoyed it

This pm, took a trip out to buy some tulip bulbs and a planter at garden Centre, again, slight wave of despondence on arriving at store but it vanished quickly

1800 supper

2100 screens off, listened to ASMR, fell asleep, woke up not sure when and took myself to bed

 

[Erell]

Hi Sunny, 

I always like To read your thread as it makes me hope that i'll have days like you one day 🤗

 

I'm really glad To see your progress, you deserve this! ❤

[sunnysideup69]

4 hours ago, Erell said:

Hi Sunny, 

I always like To read your thread as it makes me hope that i'll have days like you one day 🤗

 

I'm really glad To see your progress, you deserve this! ❤

 

I'm glad it helps, it's taken me ages to get here but I'm doing much better. Back in May, I was a total mess. Symptoms now are manageable, although unpleasant. 

 

You WILL get days like these, definitely, it's just a painfully slow (at times) process and you'll have so many days of thinking you won't feel better.

It's coming. In the meantime, we're here for you.

Lots of love xxxxx

[Guilietta]

You made (another) great point. As we become more functional and have fewer symptoms - and we will and do - worrying is a waste of energy. Do you think?

 

xxx ooo

 

Snowflakes and sleets from the USA

[sunnysideup69]

34 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

You made (another) great point. As we become more functional and have fewer symptoms - and we will and do - worrying is a waste of energy. Do you think?

 

xxx ooo

 

Snowflakes and sleets from the USA

It is, but it's hard to switch it off.....oooh, snowflakes! It's cold here, but weather forecasters keep saying it will get milder over this month xxx

[Guilietta]

12 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

It is, but it's hard to switch it off

 

Very, very true. I savor the moments when it isn't with me. Distract, deep breaths, etc.

 

I hope warmer temps are for over here. 😂

[sunnysideup69]

Notes for Tuesday 3rd December, not a bad day but a bit irritable

5am woke from what felt like a deep, straight through sleep  

600 warm bath 

700 ven 75mg xr plus breakfast...some intrusive thoughts, work and fam, anxiety about 2/3

900 still anxious this morning, bit irritable

1030 back from 5k run, feel ok, plant tulip bulbs, no anxiety

1230 eat lunch, feeling headachey, cancel dinner with friend...just feel like resting

 

Did body scan meditation this pm, was great but fell asleep, woke up, palps very briefly

1730 supper 

2130 sleep

[sunnysideup69]

Today was really stressful and I survived, despite some palpitations and feeling a bit tearful, randomly....just wanna pat myself on the back.

 

Haven't really dropped by onto anyone's thread today...it's hard on work days. After Friday, will be freer again.

[sunnysideup69]

***Venting Alert ***

 

Hi all,

Positive comments would be gratefully appreciated this morning, feeling tired, stressed by work and crummy. I have a recurring intrusive thought at the moment that I 'should be doing more' for my brother ie rushing off to visit him in the care home. The reality is, it's as much as I can do to just keep getting up and going to work at the moment.

 

Although my parents haven't said that I should be doing it, I do feel a kind of a pressure from them. Whenever they go to visit my brother or sister, they always tell me how difficult it is for them at their age, how tired they are, what a LONG journey it is etc. I end up feeling guilty like I 'should' be doing more. I'm the youngest of the three.

 

Truth be told, I actually do enough. I am the only one out of my two siblings who has ever kept in touch with and visited my mum and dad, my bro and sis haven't bothered, and now they are both incapacitated and can't. Similarly, they ( siblings) have never kept in touch with me. Sounds harsh, but we don't have a relationship, really.

 

Feeling resentful about being the 'dutiful daughter' and it's not a role I want. I'm angry with my brother and sister, both of whom absolved themselves of any responsibility. 

This family feels like a really toxic set up at times, and I realise that I need to make my own mental health the priority. I'm even beginning to realise how much my family have historically impacted upon my mental health. Don't get me wrong, I've reaped benefits from being the 'dutiful daughter', mum and dad have kind of put me on some pedestal I think, but it's actually through WD that I've begun to clearly see what's going on. So, I'm changing it and it's painful.

 

Thanks for reading this far. Please reassure me I'm not being a selfish cow....or tell me honestly if I am. It's very easy for me to lose myself in other people's demands, and I think this has been key in my experiencing anxiety/ depression over the years. Really need to get to grips with this if I'm eventually going to live a life free of medication one day.

 

Edited to say; guilt is at the core of some of these so called 'mental illnesses.'

[Tom37]

Definitely not being selfish. Families can be very hard work and sometimes you need to put yourself first. I have always found that difficult and something I need to work on as always feel like I’m letting others down if I say no.

 

As long as your doing your best that’s all you can do. It’s hard because your family will never understand what your going through.

 

Hope your day turns out ok.

[sunnysideup69]

Thanks @Tom37, I see you had a rough night of it, sorry to hear that. I've had a poop day with anxiety here and there, but also occasional bursts of normality. I've been feeling weird on and off since Tuesday. It's end of term at school and everyone is pretty exhausted. The kids have also had it. Thank you for saying this about families.....I feel less whingey this evening, it kind of helped to just blurt it all out. 

Day was difficult but I got through it. 

Also, hoping your day progresses well, are you at work?

[sunnysideup69]

Notes for Wednesday 4th December

 

Woke with a headache but slept okay. Cold-ish symptoms. Quite grouchy

 

5am woke from what felt like a deep, straight through sleep  

530 warm bath 

600 breakfast

700 ven 75mg xr 

830 anxious this morning, bit irritable, slight palpitations at work because someone I complained about has been spoken to....some anticipatory anxiety makes me feel strained anxiety about 5

1230 eat lunch

1400 feeling better now the above person is out of my classroom anxiety gone

This evening, stress catches up with me, I feel exhausted. Still have a headache.

2000 go to bed, listen to body scan, so exhausted I just fall asleep

 

Energy is so low at the moment, really hoping it starts to come back. Also, mood is dipping a bit with lack of light, find that really tough. One more day to get through of work, then rest again for four. Next week I only have 2 working days owing to school being closed/ used as a polling station in the General Election (Tories Out!) And the following week, I have 1.5 working days as term ends early on Thursday. Then no work at all until January 8th. Thank goodness.

 

 

[thelegend]

Thanks for your comments, sorry the anxiety has kicked up for you the last few days!

[sunnysideup69]

11 minutes ago, thelegend said:

Thanks for your comments, sorry the anxiety has kicked up for you the last few days!

 

Thank you, yeah it's SUCH a pain...felt really tearful at work this morning. Distracted and took my mind off it...I think I pick up on other people's stresses, too, and work feels really stressy at the moment for lots of people. Just gotta get through tomorrow. Ugh.

[sunnysideup69]

Ok, have been a moaning minny today. One positive thing today is that the itchy rash under my eyes is clearing up. Plus, really lovely spontaneous cuddle from a child. I'm knackered and in WD, but I'm not giving up. I've neary done 2 months back at work after a really big patch of time off. I'm not doing so bad....kicking myself (gently) up the a** here.

[Tom37]

Just wanted to say I love the 5am wake up and get up time!.....no idea how you do it especially with it being winter in the uk. 

 

Hopefully the teary eyed moments are better today. It doesn’t sound like too bad of a symptom but I definitely don’t enjoy it. Nothing like a good cuddle although that would probably make me cry if in a wave.

[sunnysideup69]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

Just wanted to say I love the 5am wake up and get up time!.....no idea how you do it especially with it being winter in the uk. 

 

Hopefully the teary eyed moments are better today. It doesn’t sound like too bad of a symptom but I definitely don’t enjoy it. Nothing like a good cuddle although that would probably make me cry if in a wave.

No idea how I do it either....hahaha. Actually, ever since I crashed off antideps in 2017, I've been having an early wake-up time. Plus, work is a 45 min journey away, and I tend to get there for 745 am to prep for the kids. It is tough though, especially in WD. It means I also have a ridiculously early bedtime of 9 to 930 pm. I feel like I've regressed back to being a cave woman or something....

Ok, off I go to work. Feeling symptomatic today, hope I can get through the day ok.