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Avrgejane

Avrgejane: Amitriptyline withdrawal and switching to cipralex?

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

Hi Avrgejane,

On 4/18/2020 at 1:25 PM, Avrgejane said:

@manymoretodays I have a question for you. Since I was off cipralex a few times after short durations, and I intermittently took the benzo over the month and a half, and I went up and down so fast with the amitrip is it possible that my brain is kindled? I had someone tell me this and I never really thought it applied to me but maybe it does?? 😳

 

Yes, of course.......it's always possible.  I think that non-drug coping, is going to really be the ticket for you now too.  And time.  I mean it takes time to recover and heal.......I'm sure I'm not the only one that this has been true for.

4 hours ago, Avrgejane said:

I had a really nice window for about 6 hours the other night where I actually laughed and felt happiness. It’s been a long time since I’ve ever felt that. 
 

Im just really scared of how long this is going to take, about slipping back into acute like everyone’s signature says (I don’t know if I can deal with that) and how to keep going. Im on the verge of losing everything. My career, my marriage, my relationships, my home. I was only on amitriptyline for two months! And I took benzo as as needed for about a month and a half but only about 13 times. I’m sure that’s complicating things too since I just stopped taking them. I didn’t take them for more than I would say 3 days in a row at a time but who knows. They are powerful drugs too. 
 

I’m just scared. Im working with a therapist and I have a psychiatrist but I’m sure they are all like “why are you still going through this. Must be a relapse or something”. I have never had depression or anxiety (only situational which is why I was on the cipralex after I lose two pregnancies). Now I feel like I’m losing it. 

 

Window dance!!!!  Yay!  I don't know that I ever slipped back into "acute", once I began to further understand and empower myself with information, as well as like minded people for support.  I didn't have to permanently terminate any relationships either, to heal, other than some of the "more clinical" ones.  And I too, "felt" many times that I was losing it, going to lose it all(whatever that all was), etc, etc.  The healing kept morphing for me, or changing.......little by little, but most always with some kind of upward trend........if I paid attention, and looked back on my notes, and calendars, and journals.  Wait until you have a hard time "being well".........I mean that's a weird one too, when so many around ARE really hurting, and in the midst of something or other.  My gosh......I think and hope that my empathy and compassion has grown in leaps and bounds.  And my enthusiasm and continuing to WANT to grow and change and all.......and to do something with it all now.  Or continue to.

 

We are, sometimes, above average AvrgeJane.......in this ^ regard.

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Sometimes......for me, I've realized........that great confusion comes before clarity........and maybe that helps, I hope so.

So sorry for your losses too AJ.  ((((((Avrgejane)))))) ❤️

Edited by manymoretodays

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Avrgejane

@manymoretodays see I love talking to you. I could talk to you all day. You make me feel that this is possible and that I will make it out of this. I for real pray that I don’t lose anything here and I get to a point where I can really and truly fake it and be ok! 
 

thank you for being so amazing and supportive. This is such a scary process it’s good to hear from people who have come out on the other side. Have you fully recovered?

💕

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WiggleIt

Just wanted to let you know I'm here <3

 

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WiggleIt

@Avrgejane, I have a question about the nerve pain in your teeth: Were you diagnosed with something called Trigeminal Neuralgia?  Is that why you were prescribed the amitriptyline?

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Avrgejane

No. I wasn’t diagnosed with it. I still do get the nerve pain in the teeth however it comes and goes. It’s only certain teeth and it was fine for about 6 months after the dental surgery but suddenly it started to hurt right where the implant was. After my first panic attack it spread to the bottom teeth. So I think there is some nerve damage that is there, but I also think there is some that is psychosomatic perhaps? Not too sure! I can go days without the pain and then suddenly it’s there. It’s only in my teeth though. 

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Avrgejane

Oh and yes, that is why I was prescribed the amitriptyline! 

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manymoretodays

  

On 4/21/2020 at 12:03 PM, Avrgejane said:

@manymoretodays see I love talking to you. I could talk to you all day. You make me feel that this is possible and that I will make it out of this. I for real pray that I don’t lose anything here and I get to a point where I can really and truly fake it and be ok! 
 

thank you for being so amazing and supportive. This is such a scary process it’s good to hear from people who have come out on the other side. Have you fully recovered?

💕

 

You don't need to fake it AJ.  Pretty much, yes!  It's a process still..... of learning about myself and still having to break some old patterns, at times.  It's going well though.....now.

 

Speaking of tooth pain.  Root canal friday coming up!  Dang!  Had a molar filled early March.....and was hoping it would be good.  Not to be.  Nerve pain relief right now, from the Amoxicillin the Dentist gave me.  It was intense. 

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manymoretodays
On 4/19/2020 at 7:14 PM, Avrgejane said:

Why don't I see success stories from who were short term uses of antidepressants.

 

I would love to see success stories (both long and short recoveries) from people who were short term users of antidepressants. Whether it be a short term one time use or short term a few times. Seems like it’s a little difficult to find! 

 

Hi Avrgejane,

And oh my, you posted this on the 19th.  Found it in Success Stories and moved here, you'll find it in chronological order.

 

Hmmm, nothing or no-ones story is coming to me right now.  Hoping someone in the community might have a story for you of success after short term use.  Short term, long term user......we all are successes, and survivalists sometimes.  But.....I do get what you are asking for.

 

You are going to be a success!  Yes, you will.  B)❤️

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Avrgejane

@manymoretodaysThank you🙏💕 I really want to be a success! I am doing everything I can for myself but I do know that time really is the ultimate healer at the end of the day. I’m gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, alcohol free, caf free, otc med free and im actually trying to make my way to supplement free as well. I really do want to focus on food as healing and eliminate as many things that could possibly hinder healing. I’m weaning them all though - the last time I tried to cut out the gaba I take at night I didn’t sleep for a week! 
 

Tomorrow is the start of my 8th month off. I pray every day that I heal soon. The anxiety though is off the charts and so are a few new symptoms that have cropped up out of nowhere (?) It’s almost like old symptoms have morphed into new ones. Now it seems like the mental symptoms are so intense! 
 

Im working on acceptance and patience, I’m in therapy with a very knowledgable therapist who understands AD and benzo withdrawal well...I guess my whole fear is revolving around going back to work in two months. I don’t know if I will be completely healed or in a good space at that time, hence looking for success stories to try and boost my confidence that I will heal! 

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Avrgejane

@WiggleIt Did you have the anhedonia and the “my emotions are gone” feeling? Like I want to laugh at jokes but I can’t and I don’t find them funny. I want to live but I can’t feel it. I’m not trying to be a wet blanket. I really feel like a shell....this happy, positive, bubbly person is gone. I hope this is temporary? 

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Kerrym

Maybe if you can get back to your work,that'll be a good distraction for you😊

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Avrgejane
On 5/12/2020 at 2:13 PM, Kerrym said:

Maybe if you can get back to your work,that'll be a good distraction for you😊

I need just a little more healing under my belt before I go back. I have to present and stand in front of high level execs as my job so I want to make sure I can do that first! I am so so so so wanting to go back to work. I miss it. The DRDP makes life weird though, as does the panic/anxiety and sensory overload. Any tips of dealing with the sensory overload? 

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Avrgejane

@Altostrata probably a question you get a million times per day but does everyone heal? I know Baylissa says we do, but there are stories I read here where people haven’t healed at all :( 

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Altostrata

Everyone's nervous system wants to repair itself. People tend to get better, but it can take a long time. There are people here that insist they're not getting better even when their posting history shows they have improved.

 

There would be no point to the staff spending their time on this site if people did not improve, would there?

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Avrgejane

@Altostrata Thank you. This is such a scary process, I’m sure you know as you went through it yourself! I had someone tell me who is a withdrawal coach that not everyone heals from antidepressant withdrawal and I freaked out. He also said that people who do get better have mental health issues after. My biggest wish from this whole thing is to get better and move on with my life in a happy, productive way. That response of his just scared me SO much. And then reading some people’s responses here that say they are still in withdrawal 12 years later....

 

I would assume that if people are seeing improvement (as slow as it is) they are going to recover? This is why I ask you because you have essentially seen it all on this site. 

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Altostrata
4 hours ago, Avrgejane said:

I had someone tell me who is a withdrawal coach

 

This person does not sound like a very good coach.

 

Yes, improvement leads to recovery.

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Undiagnosed1

Please also know that messaging people whom are still healing with the information this "coach" has given scares them as well. I received personal messages lastnight from person's whom you relayed this misinformation to. They were very scared. This is a very vulnerable time in most SA members life and we all need every ounce of support we can get as most doctors and family members simply do not understand. We whom have gone through or are going through wd are the only support some people have. Like I was told from the beginning, time is the healer. As bad as wd can be this held true for myself. Speaking from my personal experience as well as having several person's whom stay in contact with me regularly over the past year and a half, All of the person's have improved greatly and continue to do so. So hold on tight and work on coping skills. Hope and healing to you ma'am.

                                                         Joe

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Avrgejane

@Undiagnosed1 you are 1000% right. I panicked and reached out and should have thought first. I feel terrible and I have apologized to this person because the last thing I would have wanted to do was hurt them as well. Please accept my apology to you as well. I’m terribly terribly sorry. 

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Avrgejane

@Altostrata @Shep

 

Just an update and some questions. I’ve been off the amitriptyline now for just over 8 months. I haven’t taken a benzo for about the same time. I updated my signature as well as I dug deep into my pharma history. 
 

I’m pretty shaken at the fact that in June, now my 9th month, I’m still not better. Some things have improved but the wax and wane and sometimes go back to the original acute like symptoms! Like for example, this week I had terrible sensory overload again and my sensitive hearing cropped up again so now plates and cutlery are just unbearable. I have not had this in months and months. Also nausea and dry heaving too. I haven’t had that since February. Is this normal time see?

 

Now that I dove into my drug history too I see that there were very short times my doc had prescribed drugs that could be affecting my withdrawal now. Even though they were a few years ago. Would you agree? Would this suggest I was kindled? Do people heal from kindling? 
 

I guess I’m just scared because it’s been 8 months and 4 days since I’ve been off the meds and I’m still feeling like hell. 
 

Here are my current symptoms:

Drdp - it has gotten better but is there still every day and does tend to get worse sometimes 

Terrible spacey feeling like where am I and what am I doing (I don’t know if this is cog fog)

Flashing lights

Burning face

Twitches and jerks

Sensory overload and panic 

Anxiety all the time 

Inner vibrations 

Never hungry and losing weight. 
Very occasional nausea 

Cortisol mornings with intrusive thoughts and memories

Dizziness and vertigo

 

I also have another question about weight loss. I’ve lost 60lbs. Is that normal? I’m scared that the weight just keeps coming off and I am eating. I am gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, caf free and I try to eat clean and low glutamate. Maybe I’m being too restrictive? I’m also scared of eating certain foods because the waves are so intense. 
 

I went to a neurologist and he said that he thinks this is a result of the amitriptyline and the intermittent benzo use. I’m clearly in for a long haul aren’t I. I don’t know how in gods name I’m going to go back to work like this. I’ve been off since February because I just couldn’t handle it. 
 

Is it normal to feel like this every single day? I would say my windows aren’t even full like “yay I feel normal” windows. They are more like “ok maybe I can do a few things today” windows. I have waves every day. 
 

Any suggestions for working like this. I have to go back the end of August. I’m also terrified because no one in my family seems to understand how two months of drugs can do something like this when I was completely normal before. 
 

Any help or suggestions welcomed. Sorry for the long post.
AJ (Robin) 

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Altostrata

Believe it or not, 9 months is not a long time to be suffering waves and windows. Your nervous system has probably been sensitized from going on and off drugs for years.

 

If you are worried about losing weight, eat things that are more fattening. Are you getting at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, every day?

 

Please help us out by taking what we've told you about waves and windows and patience to heart. The staff all has a lot of concerns in their personal lives and cannot keep reading and reassuring you about the same things over and over.

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Avrgejane

@Altostrata I know I’m sorry - my withdrawal brain is scattered and I am trying (please know I am). I don’t have a lot of support at home so I tend to look for reassurance here...no maliciousness or annoyance intended. I don’t want to gobble up people’s time. 
 

I am getting exercise when I can. When the weather is nice - which is has been a bit more lately as we are just hitting spring - I get out for a walk. I am eating meats and veggies and have been also eating gluten free, I’ve started to be a little less restrictive with dairy because of the hairloss and weight loss. Maybe I just need more calories too. I’ve reacted to food in the past so it’s been a scary thing for me - I guess I just have to start trying things out slowly. 
 

I always appreciate your responses and guidance. Please know that! 

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Avrgejane

Update: 9 months drug free today. Still very unstable with windows and waves. I have seen minor improvements from October 1 but I still have some extremely troubling symptoms that have not let up and do not seem to be much better from the beginning. Maybe nominally. 
 

Current symptoms at 9 months off Amitriptyline and intermittent benzo:

 

1) still struggling with the terrible derealization and depersonalization. It’s one of my first and worst symptoms. It comes with this weird frozen eyeball feeling. 

 

2) sensory overload - that autistic feeling where everything comes too much and I’m going to lose it and go nuts. 
 

3) alien anxiety in my stomach that crops up out of no where. It almost makes me feel sick. 
 

4) Burning face and neck. Feels almost like a sunburn. 
 

5) Memory and cog fog are bad - I feel like I’ve gotten really cognitively impaired. 
 

6) Twitches and jerks

 

7) Flashing lights in my eyes. Sometimes they look like lightening in the peripheral vision and others they are like a pinhole light with a tail. 
 

8- inner vibrations in my feet. 
 

9) cortisol mornings where I feel a bomb goes off in my body and wakes me up at 6am every day

 

10) intrusive memories - these seem to happen with the cortisol in the morning. 
 

11) ocd/rumination about never getting better and losing everything and everyone in my life. 
 

12) Anhedonia - especially in a wave. Although I do have some feelings they are very muted. 
 

Those are my big ones - I have other small ones like this constant buzzing feeling in my body, I’m jumpy and tinnitus, etc. 
 

Here are some of the things that I feel have changed since Oct 1 (my first med free day). 
 

Jelly legs aren’t as frequent. Also the weird loose joints thing isn’t as frequent either. 

 

Visual snow and vision has gotten a little clearer although I do still get blurry sometimes. 

 

My twitches haven’t been as bad lately. They come and go and are mainly in the morning compared to being all the time before. I seem to be having less jerks too and they are mainly confined to the legs. 

 

I can tell when I have to pee. I never could before or I would get these genital spasms. Those have let up significantly too. 

 

My appetite is mostly back. In a wave it’s hard to eat sometimes but it is back for the most part. I have had nausea moments and some dry wretching in waves but nothing like before.
 

I think my cognition is getting better although it is still challenged. I seem to be remembering more words and can follow conversation etc. I still have pretty terrible cog fog though. 

 

Memory is not great still but I think I am remembering more things like if I have to do things. I’m still struggling with short term memory though - sometimes I will read something that I wrote and not even remember writing it. Or I will say something and then repeat myself. 

 

DRDP is better but it’s definitely not gone but it has gotten a little less. 
 

Agoraphobia is mostly gone. I’m not scared to leave my house alone and go for walks. I try to walk every day although the DRDP has been bad lately and it has been making me more nervous. 

 

I don’t hear weird things anymore - like whispers or have the creeps. 
 

Dreadful doom and dark crazy depression hasnt been here since April. I hope to god that never ever comes back. 

 

Unless in a wave the flashes of light and the snapping has decreased significantly, I still do get them though. 
 

I’m not anywhere near as dizzy as I was in the beginning. I do get moments though especially in waves where my dizziness is bad and my head feels kind of full. 

 

Monophobia is gone. 

 

Morning anxiety is much better. I don’t have raging anxiety in the mornings a lot anymore. 

 

Terrible all day alien anxiety isn’t there anymore. Some days I will even have no anxiety crop up in my stomach at all. 

 

Ruminating thoughts are getting better. I find that I’m having moments where I’m not thinking about withdrawal. 

 

I think some emotions are coming back. I find myself feeling tiny hints of love and that I can smile sometimes. I do get enjoyment out of talking to the neighbours and feel some small hints of enjoyment, gratitude and maybe even happiness. I don’t feel as dead as I did before. In waves though this becomes strong and almost shuts off. 

 

Perception shifts/DRDP turned on in the morning haven’t been feeling as strong and earth shattering. This changes during ovulation mostly though where I feel almost acute sometimes. 
 

Although light and sound are still sensitive, especially in waves they aren’t as bad as they were at the beginning. 

 

Bowel movements are better. 

 

Floors and the road don’t seem to be moving anymore. Things seemed really far away at one point and that’s not so much anymore either. Maybe just a little bit but I can’t tell. 

 

I’m able to dream, imagine things and listen to music and watch TV. 

I’m able to eat more foods. I’m not as scared of food as I was before. 

 

The buzzing in my body (not the vibrations but the electric feeling) is dialed down a little bit. My vibrations are pretty much in my feet only at this point. 
 

Ear aches are very infrequent. Burning mouth has been infrequent lately too. Burning brain as been too. 

 

As much as sleep is an issue because of cortisol and intrusive thoughts and memories, I am averaging 5-7 hours of sleep. I am weaning off the gaba though to make sure it doesn’t interfere. 3 more doses and about 5 more weeks to go. 

 

I’ve got more energy. I can go for daily walks and I do that by myself and without music or talking on the phone, even though the DRDP is very very challenging. 

 

I can feel things - like focus on the warmth of the sun or feel my hands touching my skin or feel my feet on the carpet or tile. My brain wouldn’t recognize that before. 

 

I feel more motivated to do things and I’m not as scared of going over to people’s places. 
 

My health anxiety and hypochondria seems to be getting less. In waves it can be hard though because I still have a hard time believing that this happened after such a short period (although I know the other on and offs of meds in the past had something to do with it too I’m sure.) 

 

My teeth don’t hurt as much mind you they can get really bad in waves - like bad like last summer. 

 

Ear ringing seems to fluctuate now. Sometimes it’s bad and sometimes it’s not as loud. Before it was always loud. 

 

I can occasionally laugh and find things funny without having to fake it. 

 

I can shower and not feel weird about it. It’s not as weird and scary. 

 

Stress still makes everything worse but I have been incredibly stressed the whole time because of fights with my husband, work, insurnace, etc. Maybe it’s helping to keep my nervous system not as sensitive? Who knows. 
 

So, I am seeing small inprovements for being essentially CT or the AD and the benzo in 9 months. I know I still have a lot to go and I’m no where healed yet. I’ve also been using a tracking system (probably not accurate at all) on a 0-5 scale of 0 being hell and 5 being amazing and normal. I do this 3 times per day. Morning, afternoon and evening. I just started doing it in April and it looks from my experience that I’ve been having about a 7-10% improvement over each month. 
 

Praying healing keeps happening and I’m able to write a success story for all of those other adverse reaction/sensitive/on off/short termers out there. 
 

AJ

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Avrgejane

Oh and this past month (June) 1 had 15 bad days, 12 decent days, 3 days that were challenging but not classified as “bad”. 

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