☼ Sheep: emotionless cognitive sexual issues

[Sheep]

Context

[This thread may sound familiar because when I felt the most hopeless and suicidal I made a different thread on PSSD forums, but some user copied that thread here to hide the fact it was the same person as another banned account. I waited to post here until I got to know at which points in time I was supposed to take my medicine. I've been off them for about a year]

 

I started taking the anti-dipressant Zoloft/Setraline for Depression, the stress and anxeity I have from my aspergers and Pure OCD. Everything usually felt dark, heavy and really really sad but there were moments of happiness.  I've always been over emotional on the inside, although it might have not looked like that on the outside. I hesitated getting Anti-Dipressants for a long time because I was afraid of permanent affects. I intentionally did not read internet horror stories so I would still take the pill and was truly convinced by my doctors that if I'd stop taking my pills, I'd go back to normal. But that isn't the case. I haven't felt like the same person ever since.

I kept having a strong urge to meet up with an old crush of mine again (in the platonic sense) after a long time of not seeing her. I even had dreams about it. When I finally did, I felt almost nothing except physical tiredness even though we technically had a good time. It was that moment I realized just how little actual happiness I can feel yet how easily I can still feel physical pain and tiredness and I started to feel hopeless again. I then also realized how little I felt for the most recent ''crush'' and how back when I was in love with that old crush it was so strong it was unbeliabale.

 

[Timeframe and dosage]

I have now finally been able to contact my psychiatrist to find out in which two periods I was supposed to take them. one of about 4 months. The other of about 8. However, I'd sometimes forget my dosage and I stopped cold turkey twice sometime before the end of these periods.
-Period 1:
 -12 December 2017 to
 -6th of march 2018.
-Period 2:
 -10th of april 2018 to
 -somewhere in november 2018. It's likely I already stopped by december as I pretended to take them for a while. Something seems off here too, I remember there was a longer period of time I stopped taking in between these two periods. Likely because I also pretended to still take. This means it's likely been a bit more than a year since stopping. 
In each period I started with 10 mg, very quickly moving to 20 and feeling relatively positive results. Then after moving to 50mg I'd feel too emotionally blunted and it'd scare me so I'd stop and I'd thought it'd go away. Only it didn't.

 

[Experience]
The first time I took my pills I immediately felt a bit of relief but thought such quick effect must be in my head. I  did quickly get stomach cramps, flatulence, constipipation and diarrheah issues from it which lessened over time. I didn't notice much  else at first. Then I got super over emotional and went through one of the hardest periods of my life. I couldn't stop crying and I was constantly anxious and tense and barely slept at all. As it went awayIfelt much less anxeity than ever, I felt a bit more energy and could think more positively. I used to always have an anxious/nervous feeling in my stomach regardless of how I actually felt and it was gone.

However I also couldn't feel orgasms anymore and had genital numbness.I still liked the effect for a while. My thinking got more positive and I thoughtI could finally beat depression if I'd just work at it.  I was less emotional, but that seemed like a good thing.

Until the dosage was upped to 50 at one point and I felt like a complete zombie and I started to get freaked out. I noticed that all this time even on the lower dosage I couldn't cry well and I wasn't actually any happier and in fact found it  even harder to feel happy. I cared less even less about doing anything than I did before because I couldn't take anything seriously and nothing made me feel better so I may as well do nothing. 
I stopped  cold turkey (dumb I know) so I'd get all my emotion back but I didn't. I didn't really notice that much initially. Except that I got a lot more tired,. Like..A lot more tired. 

[Lasting issues]
Now I have these issues..

-Cognitive:
 -General ''brain fog'' type feel. Worse short term memory,  much worse concentration, can't process information well esecially if new, More interrupted sleep no matter how calm I am (partially already had this due to GERD), a left eye that twitches a lot, blurry vision that resets a brief moment after every blink, and even less motivation.  Like way less.
Busy places are much more distracting and tiring than they used to be, yet the anxious feeling I'd usually get from them is gone. I've barely felt functional. It also effects how well I can hear in noisy enviorments and process speech sound. 
-Emotional:
  -More irritability/anger. Blunted emotions in general. Harder to cry.  Harder to have sympathy/empathy. The hardest to feel feelings are happiness and sadness. Happiness even harder, yet I have no trouble feeling stress. I notice my body still reacts physically asif the feelings are still there (my voice sounding sadder/softer, my heart rate increasing..), yet I can't sense the emotion on the inside like I'm on some kind of anasthetic. I can tell I need to cry but then can't unless in extreme scenarios and when I finally can I don't feel it nearly as well. At least I never lost my ability to laugh.
I still get goosebumps/shivers in my head/chest area from certain thoughts, though I tend to need to force this out of me by thinking instead of it triggering by something happening around me making it feel incredibly forced and I notice a disconnect between the no response reality and the excitement of thinking about my desires. My stomach area feels the most numbed of all. It has made me feel more suicidal than I was before. It feels like purgatory. And Like I'm watching a movie of my life instead of living it.
-Sexual:
  -Genital Anasthesia (asin no sexual pleasure from touch) as well as anorgasmia type PSSD.  Already had this a bit due to a past porn addiction but it wasn't that bad at all. If I just touch myself to imagery, anything else would be more exciting. If I conciously think about how exciting this is supposed to be, I get shivers down my upper body and am in a state of enjoyment. More than with anything else at least. But I constantly notice the disconnect between feeling nothing of pleasure in my lower body. Especially with the orgasm I feel absolutely nothing exciting whatsoever which is a total anti climax. A sneeze is much more tense.  I now have a biological urge (My libido remains unaffected) that I can't actually satiate. No matter how calm I am or how excited I am mentally, my body does not co-operate to make it physically enjoyable yet functionally/on the outside everything works fine.
-Other: Still have some gut problems.

As a result I have trouble doing anything at all that isn''t more involved than browing random internet forums and listening to gaming reviews on youtube.

 

[Not taken seriously]
My dad told me I'm just making this up to avoid having to solve my problems and that its all in my head despite me wishing that was true.  Sure I don't know which issues are all caused by the pills but I sure do know it made that nervous feeling go away ever since so it DID make permanent changes. Doctors and psychiatrists and the like don't believe it's possible. My mom believes it's possible but she acts like it's better than what I used to be and that I should just accept this and hope it gets better.
Both parents think I shouldn't believe ''those people on the internet and that you're not part of them''. My mom keeps getting mad when I get mad about the problem because ''Well what do you want me to say or do?''. Even though when I was wrongfully treated by a past school of mine my parents fought them with rage yet when my humanity is taken away from me they just expect me to suck it up.
 Most people either don't believe it at all because doctors say effects can't persist, OR they kind of act like they do but I can easily tell they don't believe and instead just want to support me feeling better. People keep expecting me to function on the level pre ssri. They keep telling me I'm smart yet I'm struggling for reasons that aren't depression.  They keep expecting me to care about small things when I even have trouble caring about the things I used to care about most.

 

[Progress]
PSSD has not showed a single bit of progress. I've been having a less difficult time feeling sadness however. Tiredness has been lessened by living a better lifestyle but I still don't feel like my old self even though I didn't do these things back than.
To not feel like I'm mentally handicapped from tiredness, I started to eat on time everyday and pay more attention to what I eat (including so I get less GERD,) for which I stopped eating late in the evning). I went to the doc for a blood test and the result was low vitamin d and low bloodcells (which I likely have always had yet back then I wasn't that tired) but anyways I got  vitamin D supplements (I'm black so it's higher than usual). I started to put all my screens on low blue light filters. I also started to go to go to bed and wake up at certain times (though eventually staying asleep is futile). I want to add some exercise to it soon and make some adjustments to make my GERD better. I today got noise cancelling headphones so I can actually hear what I want to listen to outside. 

PLEASE SOMEONE give me hope my emotions can get better. Everything feels so pointless when putting in effort to do things only leads to more tiredness and no happiness despite in the past being able to feel happiness. 

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, Sheep.  I'm sorry you're having these difficult symptoms.

 

You are suffering from withdrawal caused by your cold-turkeys of Zoloft.  Flatness of emotions, including apathy and anhedonia, are common withdrawal symptoms.  The other symptoms you describe are also typical.  You will get better, and your emotions will return, but it will take time.  We have have found that PSSD eventually resolves, again with time.  We can't tell you how long except that it is much more time than any of us would like.  It's very encouraging that you're having a less difficult time feeling sadness and that tiredness has been lessened.  This indicates that healing is occurring,

 

I'm sorry you're not getting understanding and support from your parents and doctors.  Unless you've gone through withdrawal, it's difficult if not impossible to understand the negative effects these drugs can have.  Unfortunately the vast majority of doctors know nothing about psychiatric drug withdrawal (they don't believe it exists), which is why people turn to "those people on the Internet."  This site has extremely knowledgeable moderators and compassionate members.   

 

The lifestyle changes you describe in your "progress" section are very good.  Regarding exercise, start off slowly.  In withdrawal, strenuous exercise can be activating, but it works well for some people.

 

So that you have a better idea of what you're experiencing, here is some information on withdrawal.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.

 

These explain it really well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

   On 8/30/2011 at 2:28 PM,  Rhiannon said: 

When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Please research all supplements first and only add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

[Sheep]

Thanks a lot for the kind and understanding response!  You gave me a bit of hope. There are so little recovery stories people acually put up on the internet compared to the overwhelming amount of people who show little to no progress after years and years it can be so hard to believe I time can make improvements on its own. I will consider the additional supplements and keep in mind not to go overboard if I start exercise.

[Gridley]

4 hours ago, Sheep said:

There are so little recovery stories people acually put up on the internet

That is true.  It seems that, often, once people recover they just want to get on with their lives and not think about withdrawal.  As a result, they don't write recovery stories.

[Giulietta]

Hi there and welcome to SA.

 

I am in the recovery process (like everyone on here!) and I would like to sahre my thoughts, some are my own situation, some are based my observations  and thoughts. Observations are subjective.

 

I don't know when I'll consider myself 'fully recovered.' That recovery happens in stages - different parts of his which serotonin affects (about every system I think!) recover at different rates and in different sequence @Gridley would you say? So completed recovery is less clear for many of us.

 

Some people may step away from SA as part of their healing process. People want to leave WD behind. Many others are on for a long period because they are tapering multiple drugs, experiencing more symptoms, over a long period of time. Some of these folks - to their great credfit - remain on SA to help others and support their own healing. They accept that having been on these damn drugs for so long and in WD has hugely impacted their lives. So - they don't post final success stories (maybe that I have at least noticed @Gridley - what do you think of this thought?

 

That being said - I am a LOT recovered from  the acute phase. It has taken me many months to reach this. I do not consider myself recovdered as I still have a lot of symptoms. As I take other neuruo-activating agents for a seizure disorder - my recovery from duloxetine (nearly a CT) may  be slower. Even though I take these other meds (see my signature) my symptoms from WD have  been different altogether, different in acuity, duration, etc. from those I have experienced as a result of my anti-seizure meds. There is no queesetion about that. 

 

My page is not current because I spend my time on here supporting others. I am trying to pull away a bit to help focus on healing.

 

Does that help explain why you might not see as many distinct recovery stories? People are recovering! 

 

[Gridley]

2 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

different parts of his which serotonin affects (about every system I think!) recover at different rates and in different sequence @Gridley would you say?

I agree.

 

2 minutes ago, Guilietta said:

They accept that having been on these damn drugs for so long and in WD has hugely impacted their lives. So - they don't post final success stories (maybe that I have at least noticed @Gridley - what do you think of this thought?

 

And some post success stories and stick around to help.

[Variance]

I see a lot of parallels here to my story. I suffered from generalised anxiety. I was on citalopram for just 6 months and have been off for 15.

 

I struggle a lot with the cognitive issues too - memory and concentration seem worse, I'm very often fighting through thick mental fatigue and brain fog. Likewise the underlying anxiety isn't really there any more, but I just feel numbed, emotionless and zombie-like a lot of the time. I also find it harder to cry, harder to laugh and harder to feel joy, and I can empathise with the idea that it's like watching a movie of your life rather than experiencing it.

 

I also had sort of a porn addiction beforehand, and struggle with PSSD now, though my experience of it is a bit different. My functionality is still OK in the sense that I can get erections and have orgasms and it actually feels alright in a tactile sense, but what's missing is the whole libido - the drive and desire behind it - which makes the whole experience and idea of sex seem kind of pointless.

 

There are moments of hope though. For me, strenuous exercise in particular seems to help with the fatigue and concentration a bit, and sometimes even reignites flickers of libido, though they are often all too fleeting. I've had times where everything almost felt back to normal again. I've had days where I think 'I can live like this, this isn't so bad'. They're still nowhere near as often as I'd like, but they do reassure me that things are probably getting better, just very slowly. Also it's worth bearing in mind that things were far from perfect before I went on the meds, and no doubt I'd have had other problems to deal with had I not started. And the anxiety really is largely not a problem any more, so that is a plus. Acceptance of the situation - as it is now, not necessarily that it has to stay like this forever - is also really important. And PLEASE don't use the word permanent, I hate that word. How can you know what's permanent when you haven't lived the rest of your live yet?

 

It's scary reading about all the PSSD horror stories 10 years on etc etc but it's simply a fact that the vast majority of people do recover. You just won't read about those stories. Some people probably don't even realise what they had in the first place.

[Sheep]

On 11/20/2019 at 2:33 PM, Guilietta said:

Hi there and welcome to SA.

 

I am in the recovery process (like everyone on here!) and I would like to sahre my thoughts, some are my own situation, some are based my observations  and thoughts. Observations are subjective.

 

I don't know when I'll consider myself 'fully recovered.' That recovery happens in stages - different parts of his which serotonin affects (about every system I think!) recover at different rates and in different sequence @Gridley would you say? So completed recovery is less clear for many of us.

 

Some people may step away from SA as part of their healing process. People want to leave WD behind. Many others are on for a long period because they are tapering multiple drugs, experiencing more symptoms, over a long period of time. Some of these folks - to their great credfit - remain on SA to help others and support their own healing. They accept that having been on these damn drugs for so long and in WD has hugely impacted their lives. So - they don't post final success stories (maybe that I have at least noticed @Gridley - what do you think of this thought?

 

That being said - I am a LOT recovered from  the acute phase. It has taken me many months to reach this. I do not consider myself recovdered as I still have a lot of symptoms. As I take other neuruo-activating agents for a seizure disorder - my recovery from duloxetine (nearly a CT) may  be slower. Even though I take these other meds (see my signature) my symptoms from WD have  been different altogether, different in acuity, duration, etc. from those I have experienced as a result of my anti-seizure meds. There is no queesetion about that. 

 

My page is not current because I spend my time on here supporting others. I am trying to pull away a bit to help focus on healing.

 

Does that help explain why you might not see as many distinct recovery stories? People are recovering! 


You totally made me forget, I used to take anti-seizure meds called keppra for a while when I was younger as I temporarily had epilepsy! It did impact the way I behaved and felt, but I can't tall what way because I was still undergoing puberty so I had no clue what my baseline would be when at that point in time your baseline keeps changing.  I could fuss over what long term effect it could have had but if I hadn't took them I could have easily been dead. 
I have this lingering feeling that full recovery isn't really gonna happen. It seems like it gets less bad, but I highly doubt I'll be like how I was. Like how someone addicted to recreational drugs often  still has lasting damage when they go clean. Hell, don't wounds in general work like that? They heal to an acceptable degree but you still leave a scar. years and years After my appendix removal surgery, the area with the scar is weaker, it's more sensitive to being hurt. But when I just had the scar the pain was unbearable while now it's perfectly fine. Meanwhile other things could be so damaged it barely heals at all, or maybe the body things the new normal is okay and doesn't heal much. Maybe our minds healing works like that too. 

Despite the setback of meeting that friend and feeling nothing, I recently had a moment where I enjoyed talking to classmates at school and moments where I felt a bit of sadness and discomfort in my stomach from the stress and jealousy even though I had a lengthy period of feeling absolutely nothing there before. Hell I still feel my massive insecurities and self hatred again just in a less direct way.  

 

 

@Guilietta
 

You totally made me forget, I used to take anti-seizure meds called keppra for a while when I was younger as I temporarily had epilepsy! It did impact the way I behaved and felt, but I can't tall what way because I was still undergoing puberty so I had no clue what my baseline would be when at that point in time your baseline keeps changing.  I could fuss over what long term effect it could have had but if I hadn't took them I could have easily been dead. 
I have this lingering feeling that full recovery isn't really gonna happen. It seems like it gets less bad, but I highly doubt I'll be like how I was. Like how someone addicted to recreational drugs often  still has lasting damage when they go clean. Hell, don't wounds in general work like that? They heal to an acceptable degree but you still leave a scar. years and years After my appendix removal surgery, the area with the scar is weaker, it's more sensitive to being hurt. But when I just had the scar the pain was unbearable while now it's perfectly fine. Meanwhile other things could be so damaged it barely heals at all, or maybe the body things the new normal is okay and doesn't heal much. Maybe our minds healing works like that too. 

Despite the setback of meeting that friend and feeling nothing, I recently had a moment where I enjoyed talking to classmates at school and moments where I felt a bit of sadness and discomfort in my stomach from the stress and jealousy even though I had a lengthy period of feeling absolutely nothing there before. Hell I still feel my massive insecurities and self hatred again just in a less direct way.  

[Sheep]

@Variance

It feels good to hear I'm not crazy about the movie thing and inconsistencies in how bad it is! Everytime I tell some kinda social worker related person they keep trying to come up with reasons It must all be in my head. And then when I feel moments things seem acceptable, I start to believe them. Yet everything seems way too coincidental for nothing to be the fault of these meds. 
I have the feeling there's a big subset of people unaware their symptoms are from the meds who manage to live an acceptable life anyways. Maybe as long as the symptoms aren't so severe I can't do anything I should learn to accept the current state while also believing I can potentially get better.

[Gridley]

5 hours ago, Sheep said:

I can't do anything I should learn to accept the current state while also believing I can potentially get better.

That's a great and very helpful attitude and will go a long way in dealing with withdrawal.

[Giulietta]

Hello @Sheep

 

It is good to hear from you and sharing that you have a history of seizures - and that also previous recreational drug use. Although I do not have a history of the latter - I have an extensive history of treatment on anti-convulsants in addition to 'treatmet' on ADs and benzos for many years . I will likely continue to take anti-convulsants for therest of my life. This entire history of prescribed drug use has affected my cognitive ability andpotetially ability to interact socially. Amonstly sadness and anger I feel about this - I can only look back at what it is and deal with the future as best we can. We cannot change our past - whether it is was intentional use of meds or prescribed to us by people we trusted who were trained about care of us.

 

This is the same I think for people who abused alcohol. Fortunately the same is not true for chocoloate.

 

4 hours ago, Sheep said:

But when I just had the scar the pain was unbearable while now it's perfectly fine. Meanwhile other things could be so damaged it barely heals at all, or maybe the body things the new normal is okay and doesn't heal much. Maybe our minds healing works like that too. 

 

This may be the new normal for you (for a while) and for me, @Gridley, and @Variance and most of us on SA. As I reviewed my log over the past several days - which I haven't yet posted - it's raather depressing to look at the anxiety I have every day - and othr symptoms - maybe that's why I haven't spent the time to post. Unless they are very bad (like they are now) I don't feel disposed to post. I suppose it's because I feel like it's the new normal. It really stinks.

 

Social workers (I explain over ad over and over again - and they dismiss or don't undesrstand - partly because they are covering up I think) - are fairly hopeless. If you get a good MD theymay understand, wat to help, but still deny WD and all its symptoms and implicatiosn from prescribed meds! Cognition and memory in my case has also been affected - and they are distinctlydifferent and worse than the 'normal' of my anti-seizure meds - as well as the other side effects I experiecne from time to time.

 

One bit of wisdom I can offer is what to say and how to say it at your appointments. Don't say anything at all that may threaten these providers. Don't belabor the point. Be rational and matter of fact.

 

@Variance have you had your testosterone levels checked? I would start there. Maybe WD is  a coincidence.

 

@Sheep- sorry if I am hijackig your page with the below - but it is about healig too. And I think personal and applicable to @Variance and so many I've see/heard on SA.  I do just want to add my perspective about lack off libido, etc. from my perspective) -  and it utterly stinks. I have had and do experiece the same thing.  Many women to do. They feel inadquate and don't want to raise or discuss. It's when people are at their most vulnerable, isn't it. WD has exacerbated this for me as ADs have.

 

@Variance

Most of this as I said is from my perspective with simlar circumstaces ad feelings as a woman. I hope you view my comments and personal situationn below is viewed with compassion and empathy as that is how it is intended.

 

From my perspective and I believe a large proportion of women intimacy may often be a social event  -  which may help or not with arousal, etc.- It may depend on whether the personal relationship is a satisfyig one for the woman, their hormonal cycles, testosterone levels,  and medications & illnesses.  We (women and men) have to accept and problem-solve. Find what works for you. It really stinks.

 

My mistake was in not talking with partners. One feels inadquate, the risk of rejection, needing the intimacy and  a relationship - and did't want to risk losing it over sexual 'dysfunction.'  😢

 

Acceptance seekig is something people with WD need to accept as temporary. If you haven't already been honest with your partner - doing so will go a long way.

 

Perhaps if we assess our negative emotions and thoughts pertaining to an unplesant or stressful event - and then adapt them to positive emotions and thoughts - and look at how to problem solve (starting with communicatio) that may help.

 

I hope a woman's perspective helps how you may feel about yourself. Men are't the only who deal with the impact of WD on sexuality. It stinks. It will go away ad I hope for you soon. I think it's more important to guys. But honestly to women who care and love you - it is understood and accepted. There are always ways to work aroud it.

 

Sorry @Variance that I hijacked your page. It is sort of about scars healing too.

 

Giuilietta

[Variance]

Sheep, remember we're still fairly early stages in this recovery. Those little signs of emotion and flickers of enjoyment are proof that your body is capable of feeling pleasure, but it just needs some time to recalibrate again. It just wouldn't make sense that the brain wouldn't heal itself in time - even if it's so frustratingly gradual. There may always be a scar, but remember once you're recovered, that scar is just that - a scar - a bad memory perhaps, but not something that bothers you much in day to day life.

[Sheep]

17 hours ago, Variance said:

Sheep, remember we're still fairly early stages in this recovery. Those little signs of emotion and flickers of enjoyment are proof that your body is capable of feeling pleasure, but it just needs some time to recalibrate again. It just wouldn't make sense that the brain wouldn't heal itself in time - even if it's so frustratingly gradual. There may always be a scar, but remember once you're recovered, that scar is just that - a scar - a bad memory perhaps, but not something that bothers you much in day to day life.

While I find the words encouraging, I don't find this entirely logical if we're going to make this analogy.

While sure I am seeing certain signs of improvement, in other areas there is basically none at all.  I'm not a fan of how negative and hopeless and dark PSSD Forums generally seems to be and am kinda not allowed by my new social worker to look at it for a while as it stresses me out, in contrast to this place which feels encouraging and helpful. Really I can't thank you guys enough for being so kind and understanding. My eyes are getting watery as I type this. I'm so glad I've improved to the point I can. 

But still I can't try to make myself feel good on the possibility of things returning to what they were like instead of managing and getting better. 

There are definitely injuries in this world that cause permanent damage that can't really be helped.
I remember reading Spinal Cord Injuries often involve never damage that can't be undone which results in PSSD like symptoms. What about people who end up needing to get into a wheelchair. Let's also not forget people who had brain damage from a car accident or something and were never the same, I actually have one of those in my family. That there's many people who haven't fully recovered is a sign that there are things that potentially don't just naturally get undone. Hell maybe the body thinks it is fine at a certain point in the new state and doesn't even attempt to heal further.

I don't want to be pushing through only on the basis of naive or even false hope instead of dealing with the issues at hand. I want to learn to live with this but also do as much as I can to be open to things improving and trying to improve things instead of being so negative I may block or slow down any healing process. As obviously, I'm not as bad as I was at first and most people reporting feeling acceptable after a few years there must be at least some form of healing going on. And as far as acceptance goes, there are people who actually like the blunting effect of these pills and continue to take them for it, so it must be liveable if not to extreme degrees. 

Honestly  the hardest part of all this is still the lack of recognition by the people around me. They show sympathy. But no understanding or belie despite claiming it because it's really hard to comprehend if you haven't experienced it yet most of the ''science'' and all the ''experts'' try to deny it. Strangers that don't know me even respond in hostility if I warn them about this kind of medication when I'm trying to help. There is no reaction of people that seems logical to how despicable this whole scenario is of both long term and potentially permanent effects, I've seen people get way more heated about the smallest things even when it's just something that happened to me I tell others. Everyone keeps comparing me to how I was before this. Everyone keeps acting like I'm still fighting the same battle. People keep expecting me to react in excited ways to things they do for me when sometimes I feel too tired to force it or dig whatever feeling I do have up. They still expect me to care. People expect me to still be motivated, remember as much and pay as much attention. It feels like I'm stuck in some kind of weird horror movie. I tell people something and it's like they say they get it but they react asif I never told them about it in the first place as life goes on. Then someone sees me act emotionally to something, so they assume I still feel just as emotionally functional on the inside when it doesn't seem to work like that. They see behavior that resembles my depression and act like I feel the same thing going on in my body I used to. I don't.
It's ******* surreal. 

 

@Guilietta.

I actually never did any recreational drugs/alcohol. I stayed away from them precisely for being afraid of changing or losing control. Ironic eh. I trusted phrama.....
Anyways, thanks for sharing your experience. I don't think you should feel bad for telling your story here. Not only is sharing that kinda stuff relevant, we all deserve to talk about it on here and I can learn something about it. We're partially in this together ya kno?

[Sheep]

I'm sorry guys. I can't take it anymore. Nobody physically around me will ever take me seriously. The sleep problems I have since keppra have never showned signs of disappearing. The sexual dysfunction has never showed a sign of getting better at all. My motivation issues don't show improvement, and my reactionary emotions barely do. I keep getting excited about the idea of things, talking about things rather than experiencing them. The thought that most of my mood swings/depression/axneity/sleep/concentration problems stem from Keppra in the first place is kinda sickening but reading its reviews thats how I've felt ever since when I started and stopped to take those things. I only see death as the way out and it's sad I don't even feel sad about that. I really wish I could find a shotgun. But even then there's a 5% survival rate.

[Variance]

Hope you're getting on a bit better now, Sheep.

[Sheep]

Thanks a lot for saying that. I'm a bit better but I tried to run away from home a while back and was planning some..bad stuff. So they allowed me to stop going to school and just chill out instead of worry about exam stress.

[Icip]

Hey Sheep,

 

After only one week of Sertraline/Xoloft, I have very similar symptoms to you. The brain fog, impaired memory/working memory, PSSD (only very mildly, I only happened to notice the other day as I wasn’t the one touching it, i felt slight tenderness, but nothing else - no sense of being touched (sorry for detail, but it caught me by surprise).

My emotions I think have slightly improved, my all-encompassing anxiety has diluted to a near-constant purr, whilst my social anxiety has disappeared (physical symptoms atleast). I used to pre-medication, disassociate and my vision would go slightly blurry; now I have pressure headaches which have albeit improved.

Whether it’s withdrawal, or a result of my symptoms I’m massively depressed and having to take time out of university (along with cognitive issues). Just to add, I’m only 19, I didn’t need these tablets but asked for them after a rather tumultuous few months with an ex-girlfriend (adhd impulsivity is a problem), I couldn’t take the emotional load. Don’t feel bad for taking them, we have all been lied to by pharmaceuticals and prescription-hap GPs. I’m so scared for my future, despite symptoms improving and some abating.

 

I like to think that my RAM has been reduced from 16gb to maybe 4gb, at a stretch (if you know your PC terms which you most likely do).

There have been some noticeable, and somewhat disturbing developments re my thinking, or ‘inner voice’. I felt trapped in my head with it for the first month and a half maybe (thoughts were dull but I atleast could have a constant inner-dialogue with myself). Now as I’ve been ‘improving’ and becoming more connected to reality, my voice at one point became broken, slurred, quiet, and absent. To talk to myself in my head was quite literally akin to someone ten or so pints of beer in; maybe quite a lot quieter. This has only started happening in the past two weeks or so, but I can thankfully say that whilst not how it was before yet, I can atleast talk to myself and think somewhat critically and of the abstract.

 

I’ve been on these drugs for such a short amount of time, and it’s taken me two and a half months of withdrawal to feel ok (initial acute symptoms has almost gone), so with you taking them for much longer, hopefully you can see that you can improve, it might just take a little longer.

I’ve had pockets where I’ve felt manic, happy, and almost myself again. So much so that I’ve had the same thoughts as you, ‘hey I could live like this’, then the depression comes back the following day, or after I’ve burnt myself out from trying to do too much on my ‘good days’. You’ve just got to wait it out, but try and push yourself in small ways. Go to the shops, maybe do some school work despite not being there; just for the sake of trying to kick-start your brain back up. I like to look at it as that I’m reteaching myself how to be functional - no one was born with concentration, or patience. I’ll link an amazing TED talk that’s given me a lot of hope.

 

Please don’t try anything rash. Waiting hurts, but the hurt will slowly lessen; it has done for me even if it still feel the hurt.

 

All the best and God bless,

 

Icip.

 

 

[WizeroAim]

Ey sheep, im worried about you. I care about you even if you dont believe me. I saw you left the discord server. I really hope you dont commit something stupid.

Im here for you,  please, reconsider your plans.

We can talk about this, let me know.

[India]

On 12/1/2019 at 10:57 AM, Sheep said:

I'm sorry guys. I can't take it anymore. Nobody physically around me will ever take me seriously. The sleep problems I have since keppra have never showned signs of disappearing. The sexual dysfunction has never showed a sign of getting better at all. My motivation issues don't show improvement, and my reactionary emotions barely do. I keep getting excited about the idea of things, talking about things rather than experiencing them. The thought that most of my mood swings/depression/axneity/sleep/concentration problems stem from Keppra in the first place is kinda sickening but reading its reviews thats how I've felt ever since when I started and stopped to take those things. I only see death as the way out and it's sad I don't even feel sad about that. I really wish I could find a shotgun. But even then there's a 5% survival rate.

Everyone here believes you. We are all suffering from this disavowed WD. You have to stay around to heal and if you don’t stay around you won’t ever be able to know that you could. You will end the possibility of a whole new life that could exist after this misery.

At the same time, I know it can be cathartic to express suicidal urges as there are so few places in society to be able to do this and not create an extreme response . I think there are completing drives within us and I hope the one that wants to live comes out stronger than the one that seeks death and destruction.

[Sheep]

It''s hard for me to believe but I think I might have conquered withdrawal, at least to a degree it would be possible for me to live a normal life again. 

Nothing changed in the PSSD department sadly (still can't orgasm, still no physical stimulation), but I've learned a bit more to enjoy what I can still feel. It still frustrates me, I see no improvement with it, but it's doable. I still struggle with staying asleep and still feel a somewhat tired. But compared to after I stopped taking the pill I'm way less tired now even if I don't take vitamin D Supplements. I can actually read books again, and my memory feels like it's better. I've been freed from the constant brain fog.  My motivation is still terrible, but it always was anyways. 

I don't feel like I'm the same person I was before I took the pills but It's so much closer. I have much more emotion , and the more time passes, the more I feel like my old depressed self.  I feel like I can empathize with people again and at least care somewhat.  The almost lack of feeling anythig at all in my stomach has disappeared and now I can feel things there again. My anxeity, while not in the  exact same way , is back and I can feel sadness again. While I still have trouble crying like I used to, I've finally cried without having to force it once and I can now get tears out more easily and it doesn't feel as hollow when I do. When I laugh I actually feel some kind of joy along with it. I've genuinely enjoyed a few activities again. I've developed a crush on someone on the internet, even if doesn't give me butterflies. I can look at certain things I find exciting and feel fuzzy in my stomach, even if I do have to dig it out of me sometimes. 

I could actually not feel happy at all when this change started to happen. As it did, my self esteem got way waaaay worse again. Which made me incredibly depressed, and I'd also get very anxious. It felt like my old depression again. Things feel heavy and hard to do. I didn't really care enough for whatever was good to not want to die. Suddenly my motivation for wanting to die became me hating myself and never feeling like doing anything,  as opposed to feeling nothing at all and the brain fog I got when I took the pill. I even tried to run away from home again and wanted to do something bad to me, because even getting emotions back partially hit me like a brick. Recently however I finally got a new psychologist and she's been helping me a bit. And well, I've finally had a day I can say that went right. And while I did not feel any sense of satisfaction, I felt some sense of contentment that day. Which is very rare for me. I even managed to calm my anxeity down, even if it was just for an hour or so It felt wonderful.

I think with the state I'm in now,  withdrawal symptoms are small enough for me to be able to fight the battle. But because I was so caught up in the withdrawal, I forgot how tough the battle of depression, anxeity, autism, and OCD really is. That said I think I've escaped the hellhole of withdrawal. If you'd have asked me earlier I'd have thought it was impossible. Yet here i am, and I still don't quite believe it. It just feels like the whole withdrawal thing never happened. Maybe thats indeed why there's little success stories. People just move on, they want to forget that whole mess if they can.
 

[Altostrata]

Hi, Sheep. Do you feel perhaps 85% recovered? What are your remaining withdrawal symptoms?

 

After all you've been through, when your original habits of thinking came back, seems like you were so tired of them, you decided to change them. I also went through this process. Congratulations!

[Cocopuffz17]

Hello, Sheep. This is great to hear. I am in a similar situation to you as well. I am so glad you have had improvements. It will continue to get better. 

 

Your statement about how you thought it was "impossible" hits home with me. I did not think I was going to make it through months 4-9 and here I am. Stronger and healthier than I have ever been in my life! 

 

Keep your head up and congrats on your success so far and to future success! 

 

Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed! 

[Sleepan]

7 hours ago, Sheep said:

Yet here i am, and I still don't quite believe it. It just feels like the whole withdrawal thing never happened. Maybe thats indeed why there's little success stories. People just move on, they want to forget that whole mess if they can.

 

Sheep,  …  Enjoy!!!!  💋 And thank you.  It's a great story, with a great suspense and a sweet ending (of course it's not really, but just an amazing you is there now).  Be back sometimes to tell more.  Please?

[Armorall]

Congratulations @Sheep! What are the details around your drug use? Were you a cold turkey?

[Sheep]

14 hours ago, Armorall said:

Congratulations @Sheep! What are the details around your drug use? Were you a cold turkey?

I was definitely a cold turkey.

 

On 2/29/2020 at 7:56 PM, Altostrata said:

Hi, Sheep. Do you feel perhaps 85% recovered? What are your remaining withdrawal symptoms?

 

After all you've been through, when your original habits of thinking came back, seems like you were so tired of them, you decided to change them. I also went through this process. Congratulations!

I feel about  between 75% to 85% recovered, and I can assure it is not a ''window''. I hope me telling it on the forum gives someone some hope.

Thanks for the replies.
I'm crying right now because I feel lonely despite being surrounded by kind people and being very open..But it's a lot better than not being able to cry. I feel so out of place and connection seems so unreachable no matter how close I get and how good things are on paper. And when I do temporarily not feel lonely, it's because I fell for some unavailable girl. I want to be normal for once. Yet I also want to be special to someone. Sorry I just had to vent.

[Altostrata]

Yes, we all feel very alone in this. Hang in there.

 

What are your remaining withdrawal symptoms?

[Sheep]

3 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Yes, we all feel very alone in this. Hang in there.

 

What are your remaining withdrawal symptoms?

I'd say the sexual stuff is still very much there regardless of what emotional state I'm in. The cognitive and emotional is like, so slightly there to the point it shouldn't really be an obstacle. Hell its hard to tell because I don't know what 23 year old non withdrawal me would be like. 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Sheep. I added your new topic as an update to your Introductions topic. You're definitely on your way.

 

Your drug history is important, please follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[Armorall]

So it's been a little over a year? That's great for significant improvements!

[Superwoman]

I’m glad you are much better Sheep.  Thanks for sharing.  It gives me hope. 

[Variance]

Good to hear Sheep. What did the healing process feel like to you? Was it quite sudden or more gradual?

[Sheep]

It felt gradual but sudden at the same time?
Going from no emotion to emotion felt very sudden and took quite a while. Going back to almost my full self is gradual and I even think I felt improvement yesterday. I think my emotional issues, which was my biggest concern, are practically fixed.
The tiredness dropping felt gradual allthroughout though.

[Sheep]

..I'm starting to doubt whether I recovered.

I may now feel stuff in my stomach again but I still feel impaired and feel like it's a struggle to just be.

[Csilover]

@Sheep hang in there. Hope you are okay. What’s going on? Are your emotional symptoms still improved? You are probably having a bad wave and maybe you will come out of it feeling better.

[Icip]

@Sheep,

 

Maybe you haven’t recovered yet, you said that you felt improvement only a few months ago - sometimes our big symptoms go, but we’re left to iron out the creases. I hope you’re okay, a sense of ease will hit you, and you most likely won’t notice!

[ChessieCat]

On 3/7/2020 at 8:26 PM, Sheep said:

It felt gradual but sudden at the same time?
Going from no emotion to emotion felt very sudden and took quite a while. Going back to almost my full self is gradual and I even think I felt improvement yesterday. I think my emotional issues, which was my biggest concern, are practically fixed.
The tiredness dropping felt gradual allthroughout though.

 

12 hours ago, Sheep said:

..I'm starting to doubt whether I recovered.

I may now feel stuff in my stomach again but I still feel impaired and feel like it's a struggle to just be.

 

@Sheep

 

I've quoted two posts above.  Notice the dates.  7 March 2020 and 15 June 2020.

 

What has been happening across the world during this period?  How has it affected your life?

 

We have other members here who have experienced unexpected and/or worse waves due to the Covid situation.

 

I would be extremely surprised if you haven't been affected by the Covid situation.