success mstimc: hello from an SRI vet

[mstimc]

Hi All

I was a member of Paxilprogress.org several years ago; that site and its wonderful members helped me wean off Paxil in 2009 and I remained a member until the site closed.  I have since been managing my anxiety disorder through regular therapy and using CBT tools.  I view anxiety and depression as a chronic condition like diabetes; it can't necessarily be "cured" but it can be successfully managed.  I've had my ups and downs over the years but I have to say I've had a great life. 

 

This past September, my wife and I retired early and decided to move from California to Portugal for a few years so we can explore Europe while we're healthy enough to get around.  It's a beautiful country and the people are very gracious, but I do find my anxiety has increased due to cultural changes.  I'm hoping to join a group similar to Paxilprogress where I can share my story, lend some support, and just spend some time with folks who understand what its like to live with anxiety.  Thanks!

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, mstimc.

 

I'm very glad you're doing well.  You have come to the right place.  The members and moderators are very supportive and there are several veterans of your old group on hand.

 

We moved from California to Ecuador ten years ago (like you, retirement), and along with the good things and friendly people there are definitely anxiety-causing stressors resulting from cultural changes here too.  I've heard great things about Portugal.

 

This is your Introduction thread where you can connect with other members.  We're glad you found your ways here..

 

 

 

[mstimc]

Thanks for the welcome, Gridley!  I look forward to participating!

[Erell]

Hello ,

 

And welcome here!

I'm so glad To discover someone that managed To tapper Paxil, thank you for sharing your success

 

Portugal is a wonderful place! If you visit France and have questions, don't hesitate To ask 😊

[rola]

@mstimc

hello and welcome 
I'm glad you can tell us your story with paxil. I think a lot of people here would be happy to hear it and me.
enjoy your retirement and see you soon 😊

[mstimc]

Thank you Erell and Rola!  I'll be posting my story in the "Success" folder in the next day or two!

[brassmonkey]

Hi Mstimc-- It's good to see another exPPer with a success story.  Welcome to the group, can't wait to read your success story.  Traveling in retirement, what a concept, just got back a few months ago from a four month around the world trip.  Off to India in a few months to photograph tigers.  Your time in Portugal sound wonderful.

 

Brassmonkey

[mstimc]

Brassmonkey--great to hear from a blast from the past! 😀

 

Going to Barcelona in May and Berlin in November/December.  After that, we'd like to spend at least a month in the British Isles since I'm of Scotch and Irish descent.

[mstimc]

Topic title before merging with original introduction topic:  Recovery - Where Do You Find It?

 

As a mentor and someone who has been through the hell of withdrawal and the journey of gradual recovery, I've developed my own philosophy of where recovery comes from.  I've posted something similar on specific threads, but I thought it might help to create a unique topic.  

 

The motto and main principle of Paxilprogress.org was "Freedom is in you.  You are enough.  You are your solution."  That is the key to recovery and future happiness.  We can give you support, advice and guidance.  You can adopt and practice all sorts of CBT and other coping tools.  You can see a therapist for years.  You can even go back on meds.  But unless and until you accept that the power that created your hell is also the power that can overcome it, nothing will work.  It takes time, determination and struggling to find the right path, but you can do it.  

 

I believe there are two ways to approach withdrawal and recovery: you can expect it to come from outside yourself or you can internalize recovery methods and use the power of your mind to help you recover.  An example of something outside yourself is medication.  You take medication and expect it to do something to you.  Its passive, in the sense you take no other action other than taking a pill.  I'm not militantly anti-drug; sometimes you need something to get you through a bad wave or certain situations.  But medication is not recovery; it is at best temporary mitigation of symptoms that do nothing to address the root causes of anxiety, OCD and/or depression.  Relying on external methods of recovery is haphazard and will likely fail.

 

Internally-driven recovery means changing your behaviors.   The key is internalizing thoughts, practices, and beliefs and turning them into actions.  That takes far more effort and will than taking a pill but I firmly believe it is the only effective path to lifetime recovery.  It means resolving the issues that forced you to take medication in the first place.  There are lots of resources at your disposal, from therapy to online videos to thousands of books.  The good news is there is no single correct path; you can choose what works best for you and experiment until you find what works best for you.  For me, it was a series of CBT-based practices that addressed my OCD actions, anxious thinking and hypochondria.   The practices are effective, but you need to make the effort to find them and use them. 

 

The choice is intensely personal and up to each person; you can take medications and hope they suppress the symptoms long enough to recover some balance, or you can invest the time and effort to achieve behavorial recovery, which will last a lifetime.  

Edited May 15, 2020 by ChessieCat
added topic title

[ChessieCat]

Hi mstimc, I've merged your 2 introduction topics into the first one.

 

It might be that you thought you were posting it in a different area of the forum.

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by ChessieCat

[mstimc]

7 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Hi mstimc, I've merged your 2 introduction topics into the first one.

 

It might be that you thought you were posting it in a different area of the forum.

 

👌

[sunnysideup69]

Hello there, thank you for your positive words on my thread! Hoping this post finds you well?

xxx

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Hello there, thank you for your positive words on my thread! Hoping this post finds you well?

xxx

Hi Sunny

 

Thanks for checking in!  We're doing okay.  We do miss our friends and family in the States, especially during this pandemic, but Portugal seems much safer than the US right now.  The UK has its challenges as well.  Its great we have this site to support and uphold each other, especially at times like this.

[mstimc]

OK, just to show that even those of us who have "recovered" can still make mistakes.  I've had a persistent pain in my side, most likely from an old ab injury as a kid, I never had treated (kids do dumb things like that).  It flares up now and then, and I usually take care of it by resting.  But we've been really active lately, so its taking longer to go away.  To help it on its way,  I hit it with Tiger Balm.  I got carried away and now I have a nice case of prickly heat from slathering on the balm.  Now I have to make sure I use the cortisone cream moderately and not be in a rush for it to go away.  Sheesh! 

[sunnysideup69]

1 hour ago, mstimc said:

OK, just to show that even those of us who have "recovered" can still make mistakes.  I've had a persistent pain in my side, most likely from an old ab injury as a kid, I never had treated (kids do dumb things like that).  It flares up now and then, and I usually take care of it by resting.  But we've been really active lately, so its taking longer to go away.  To help it on its way,  I hit it with Tiger Balm.  I got carried away and now I have a nice case of prickly heat from slathering on the balm.  Now I have to make sure I use the cortisone cream moderately and not be in a rush for it to go away.  Sheesh! 

Ooh, ouch! Hoping it goes away for you soon, mstimc!

[mstimc]

Thanks, Sunny!  The last couple of days, the pain has decreased.  I guess my OCD moved from the ab strain to the rash--LOL!😆

[bijay]

@mstimc  Welcome, and thanks, your post about Tiger Balm made me smile.  I discovered it long ago when working in Singapore, and boy does that stuff smell!

 

I’d be interested in hearing more about the CBT approaches that worked for you, especially in regard to dealing with physical symptoms.

 

Congrats your recovery

[mstimc]

39 minutes ago, bijay said:

I'd be interested in hearing more about the CBT approaches that worked for you, especially in regard to dealing with physical symptoms.

 

Hi Bijay

 

A use different CBT tools for different things.  One thing that works for health anxiety is what my shrink calls "reality checking".  Basically, it means taking a few seconds to control my breathing and get in a calmer state, and then taking an objective look at my situation.  My current condition is an example.  I tore an ab muscle when I was 17 and never got it treated.  Its been a weak spot ever since, especially when I'm anxious.  Since we're expats living in Portugal, the COVID situation has me pretty tense.  We have a son in grad school in a hot spot (Michigan) and I'm concerned about him and other family members.  That, and sitting around during lockdown, most of the time with bad posture watching TV. contributed to my latest flare-up. 

 

A few days ago, my mind began running away with me and I started thinking I had a dread disease.  Ab pain is a symptom of all sorts of terrible diseases; just check the Internet.  I had to stop and do a reality check.  Yes, my ab hurts, but its hurt before.  And its gone on for long enough that I'd be showing other symptoms if I had something serious.  I saw a doctor to set up physical therapy, and he said its my old ab tear, too.  Looking at the reality helped me get some perspective and deal with the muscle pull as something that needs time and exercise to heal.

 

I also realize that if you search a symptom on the Internet, the worst possible caused show up first.  When I was in the depths of WD and recovery, I drove my GP nuts with one "disease" after another.  He'd always listen patiently and then explain my condition was some run-of-the-mill problem that would go away by itself or with minimal treatment.  Then I'd go home and search that cause and discover it accounts for 99% of the symptoms I was having.  Looking back, I realize how foolish some of my fears were, but they were plenty real when I was feeling them.

 

I've come to accept that, faced with something unfamiliar, my mind immediately jumps to the worst-case scenario.  But I don't need to stay there.  I let that initial panic hit and then let it lose some of its urgency.  Then I get to the mental work of doing a reality check and replace the anxious thinking with facts.  It takes effort and practice, but it does work. 
 

And one last piece of wisdom from my wife.  She told me that living my life afraid of being sick is just as bad as having a real disease.  That stuck with me.

 

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by mstimc

[bijay]

@mstimc Thanks much for the advice.  I am dealing with symptoms both caused by the drug I am taking and from withdrawal, and it can be difficult to keep my eyes on the prize of one day being drug -free.  I try to do as much as I can to keep the worst-case scenarios out of my head.

 

Bty, you have a very wise wife.  Her words stick with me too!

[mstimc]

Oh yeah, she’s the brains of the outfit!
 

You will be drug free and so much stronger for this experience, because you’ll know you can handle what life throws at you.  For now, just take each day as it comes knowing it’s a day closer to recovery.

[bijay]

Appreciate your kind and generous words of support

[mstimc]

Just now, bijay said:

Appreciate your kind and generous words of support

That’s what I’m here for!😊

[Erell]

Hello Mstimc

 

How are you doing?

I hope the pain left and you're back on track 🤗

 

I just wanted to thank you for your kind support : I always love reading your posts on SA and all the wisdom you spread.

Thank you for sharing your tips !

 

❤

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, Erell said:

Hello Mstimc

 

How are you doing?

I hope the pain left and you're back on track 🤗

 

I just wanted to thank you for your kind support : I always love reading your posts on SA and all the wisdom you spread.

Thank you for sharing your tips !

 

❤

Hi Erell

 

A few weeks ago, I started going to a traditional Chinese medical practitioner who has helped a lot.  He does a deep massage and acupuncture, and gave me an herbal remedy to reduce the muscle spasms.  The day after treatment, I feel like I was beat up, but a day or so later I feel better.  He said I have a slight case of scoliosis that's been causing the pain in back and abdomen. I feel better knoeing it can be treated.

 

I admire your perseverance, Erell.  WD is so hard to deal with day after day, but you're taking the right approach and have a great attitude.  Each day is one day closer to recovery!

[Erell]

Yes acupuncture can really help : I did some during my Benzo taper and it often helped with jitteriness

 

I never suffered from health anxiety, but I've a friend who is always finding a new health issue and worrying about a possible health disaster : when I read your posts I often send her a text with your tips and experience 😉

She thinks I'm very wise 😅

 

Well, I don't know if I'm perseverant. It's just that I know I wanna make a gift to my inner beautiful child ☺

 

Take care, hope life is sweet in Portugal (I have wonderful memories there☀️)

[mstimc]

14 minutes ago, Erell said:

Well, I don't know if I'm perseverant. It's just that I know I wanna make a gift to my inner beautiful child ☺

 

Take care, hope life is sweet in Portugal (I have wonderful memories there☀️)

That's such a wonderful outlook, Erell!  We really do deserve happiness every bit as much as anyone else.

 

Portugal is a beautiful country and the people are very gracious.  And its certainly better here than the States!  We will be going back to the US in April for our son's graduation and we may stay; we miss our friends and family.  Besides,  travel in Europe doesn't look like it will get any easier in the near future.

 

But like everything else, we take one day at a time!

[mstimc]

Hi All

 

A quick update on where I am on my journey.  As you may know, my wife and I moved from California to Portugal in September 2019 so we could travel Europe.  We retired a bit early so we could travel while we were still young and healthy enough to enjoy it.  Well, COVID put the breaks on that!  But it also caused us to take a step back and reassess our priorities.  We have a son who will be graduating from graduate school in May, and we've always been close to our family.  I've known some of my friends for 40 years.  So several months ago we decided we'd return to the States and start yet another adventure.  We plan on returning this coming November; we own a small house in a nice neighborhood in West Los Angeles; we're renting it out and the lease will expire in November, so we have to wait till then, and and we'll move in there.  Till then, we have a very nice apartment on Portugal's' south coast, so we're not exactly suffering.  And by November the COVID situation should be better. 

 

I'm feeling some creeping anxiety as the move date approaches.  We're both looking forward to starting so many things we can't do here; for me its woodworking and other projects.  For my wife its exploring the possibility of becoming a life coach (she was a gifted manager, trainer and mentor before retiring).   Of course, having anxiety and OCD, doubts and negative thoughts keep creeping in, but I'm managing to let them come and go as best I can.  I guess there's a fine line between anxiety and anticipation!  More to come!

[sunnysideup69]

@mstimc, sounds like you're handling it all really well - good stuff! It's inspiring.

[mstimc]

1 minute ago, sunnysideup69 said:

@mstimc, sounds like you're handling it all really well - good stuff! It's inspiring.

Thanks, Sunny!  I'm trying.  One day at a time!

[mstimc]

Hi All

Quick update.  We have our plane tickets for our return to the US in early December.  Our US health insurance is all lined up and ready to kick in before we get back.  Since the EU seems to be reopening despite the Delta variant--and we're vaxxed--we decided to said goodbye to Europe right and visit northern Europe and the UK before we return.  We'll pull out of Portugal September 30 and spend two months "on the road" visiting each place for about a week: Germany, Denmark, the Netherlands, Belgium, France, the UK and Ireland, where we'll catch our plane home via Helsinki.

 

I'm dealing with some age-related issues like minor arthritis in my neck and shoulders, but doing some home-based PT for it, as well as keeping up meditation practice.  Still have some background anxiety as we get closer to the move, but the thought of seeing family and friends keeps me focused.  Overall, things are good!

[Erell]

Oh @mstimc, no doubt plenty of mixed feelings might come up while living big changes, and sometimes it's not easy to distinguish excitement and fear.

 

Seeing family and friends will be amazing ❤

 

What a wonderful trip, two months on the road  !

Let me know if you're looking for infos in France 😉

 

All my sweet wishes dear mstimc !

 

 

[Yersinia]

Glad to hear this. Enjoy your time on the road!

[mstimc]

46 minutes ago, Erell said:

Let me know if you're looking for infos in France 😉

 

All my sweet wishes dear mstimc !

Thank you so much for the sweet wishes, mon ami!  We'll be in Paris in late October--can't wait!

[Heath]

Hello @mstimc just read your story and signature. I started Paxil a year after you and tapered and crashed same year as you. I’m glad to read your recovery! Gives me hope! And yes as erell  said big changes brings on weird mixed and anxious feelings. I always try to tell myself it’s only temporary! Best of luck on you travels!

[mstimc]

Thank you for the good wishes, Heath.  Once I accepted that anxiety/OCD was something caused by the way my brain is wired, and that I could manage it instead fighting it, things began to improve.  You will recover!

[Vonnegutjunky]

Thank you mstimc- I have been wondering what to do about my ocd that has returned since reducing my med. I have to find ways to cope if I ever want to be off my med. I am currently in a severe depression with existential ocd that I am trying to confront. Practicing ERP, and working on the fear these thoughts create. Your words give me hope that I might be able to actually do this on my own. Maybe I can’t, maybe I will go back to the pills, but I at least want a fighting chance that I wa s never offered 16 years ago when they put me on them without any questions.