☼ JMiller: journey

[JMiller]

Hello to everyone,

 

First I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, also to reassure all of you that you are in the right place, thanks to S.A. I am alive. I have spent hours, days, weeks, months and years here, all his brave and amazing members were the only thing that I had to recover my life. I was terrified, inspired, understood, trained and loved by people stories, as nz11, Shep, Alto, apeace41, cymbaltawithdrawal500, Alex, JamCarol, beyondmeds… I would also like to apologise for not sharing my story earlier, but this has been such hell journey… Sometimes I still wonder how I managed to get through… I believe now that I know how I made it, and it´s time to be brave, share my own story and help others. I did it all wrong and I survive, so you can do it too!!!

 

There was a time that I used to live and worked in the U.K., my English skills were better, please accept my apologies in advance for grammar mistakes and misspellings.  

 

As you can see in my med history I was highly medicated since I was a kid, I have always trusted the medical authorities, but in reality I was getting sicker and sicker. I reached a point that it was unbearable; each medication changed was due to a huge break down (now I know it was withdrawal). I was told I had a traveller syndrome, depression, major depression, treatment-resistant depression (resistant to their crappy meds??), chronic depression… I arrive to my 33 years old and I was completely destroyed, I did some research by then and I was finally getting “some” right information (just some info), in addition I knew deeply that the path I followed till then was not right. I was in a horrible suffering state (I now know that was and has always been withdrawal) and there was no point of following the psychiatric doctor instructions any longer (it was better to be dead), so I started tapering, I did tapper all my meds during 6-7 months (huge mistake, but I believed by then that it was a slow tapper).

 

During this time I was visiting a naturopathic practitioner with no knowledge about withdrawal issues (I discovered that later) and started taking 5-HTP and SAM-e while tappering. As you know, I ended in a horrible withdrawal state (by this time I didn´t know about withdrawal state yet, October 2014).

 

I experienced all symptoms but a tinnitus, akathesia, anhedonia, 24 hours suicidal thoughts (disappeared after 18 months), convulsions, dizziness, paxil flu, sound and light sensitivity, brain zaps, brain fog, crazy neuro emotions, rashes, pins and needles, hallucinations, mania, problems with all my organs, memory, pain everywhere... I was in a constant wave, so ill that all I could do was be in bed and go to the toilet. Very slowly some windows start to appear... (I still remember the first time that I laugh and it was 5 seconds and after 1 year and 3 months after starting to tapper). I kept researching online, and round summer 2015, I was lucky to come across Luke Montangu interview on the times magazine, cepuk.org. I cried so much that day… I realized that all ever happened to me was withdrawal, I was on a terrible state and I was on my own to sort this out (I left the naturopathic practitioner). Thankfully the right resources start appearing, beyondmeds (I hope Gianna is doing well), surviving antidepressants, benzo buddies, madinamerica, npanth… till this point I was only finding pro medication information.

 

Some windows start appearing and I basically spend all the time in S.A., I went straight to the recovery stories, also read bit and pieces, I was horrified as some of the hardest stories where on my mobile screen, but who isn´t when in withdrawal state. It was also the first time in a long time that I did not feel lonely and I knew it was all due to withdrawal (it actually became a kind of mantra).  I kept reading, learning, panicking, crying, not comprehending… (my mind was fried) but I knew I was in the right place. I soon discover the big mistake I did with my tapering, but it was completed 8 months before. I was still in bed, with an unbearable pain all over my body and all withdrawal symptoms, but something inside me gave me the feeling that I had to carry on without medication and keep going (re-starting meds, even as a low dose was too risky, and I did not want all those meds back in my body, I also knew that it was a very risky decision).

 

As I was getting better very gradually (I had to deal with lots of pains and discomforts), I discovered that have pretty serious food/environmental allergies that forces me to have to be extremely diligent with my diet or else I suffer bad reactions.  I was/am hypersensitive to vitamins, supplements, caffeine, process foods, some veggies, protein, sugar, gluten, diary… you name it.

 

What helped me through was patience, researching and learning about health and well-being, I read and put in practice as much as I could about withdrawal, nutrition and food issues, the body, hygienism, ayurveda, yoga, anthroposophy, Wilhem Reich, psychosomatic illness, the body… I tried to accept what was happening to me and just let it be (yes it was hard to do but it helped and at some pint I manage to surrender to it, and this make a clear difference). Resting, resting, resting, also some distractions were essential, like t.v., films, books… walking when started to be possible. I tried some things at low doses suck magnesium, calming acupuncture but due to my hypersensitiveness nothing worked and it increased symptoms. Learning to follow my body signs was a key to success, also trust the healing abilities of him/me. Nature was a big companion when I was able to go, I started for some minutes and gradually increase time. Eating extremely healthy and learning from my body what suited him and what didn´t was also a key to success, even if at some point my diet was very restricted and still is.  

 

Everyone is different and what worked for me might not for you, but I am also aware how important is the information and guidance when in withdrawal, I basically learnt from people experience, so I will write and post with the key findings and strategies across the different phases (as much as I can remember).

I stayed in forums and places that talked about withdrawal, sometimes it increased my fear, panic, depression... but It was extremely helpful always, I felt understood, not alone… in fact I logged in on daily basis till may 2018; I started doing more outdoors activities as I was feeling better, and logged in on weekly basis, then monthly… I would say that till this year´s spring time there was not one day, you guys were on my mind. Why did I take me so long to write my story? I did not feel that withdrawal had an ending and I didn´t know what to say, basically as I didn´t how I managed to go through. I also start to live and I needed just to do it, I can assure you were on my mind at least on weekly basis.

 

I am currently well, I can live, enjoy life, travel, dance, do some work and lead a happy life... There are things to improve, food issues (I follow an extremely healthy diet) and sensitiveness, muscle resistance… let’s say that I am 80 % recovered. But hey, I never thought that this was possible and YES, the body recovers from withdrawal, you just need to trust yourself.  Another big issue in the forums is if withdrawal can be left behind, and the answer is a big YES. I am a completely different person, a new, improve J Miller. It was/is a life learning process, and I am currently the better version of myself.

 

Send you all lots of love and thanks always.

 

Please feel free to ask anything that can be of help for your healing process. I am also open for suggestions about food issues…

Edited December 13, 2019 by Altostrata
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[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, JMiller.

 

Your story is an inspiration.  Congratulations on all you've accomplished.

 

Is JMiller your real name?  If so, please let us know and give us a suggested screen name to protect your anonymity.

 

Again, my congratulations.

[JMiller]

On 12/12/2019 at 3:17 PM, Gridley said:

Welcome to SA, JMiller.

 

Your story is an inspiration.  Congratulations on all you've accomplished.

 

Is JMiller your real name?  If so, please let us know and give us a suggested screen name to protect your anonymity.

 

Again, my congratulations.

Thanks for your warm reply. My real name it's Jonás Torres, i changed surname to Miller in honour to Alice Miller, Alice Miller, an influential and brave psychoanalysis and psychotherapist, that has that has dedicated all her life to uncover childhood maltreatment and abused. She has helped me so much...

 

Thanks for caring for my anonymity, but I want to be a free person and I will do it in a publicly. Let's say that it's my mission.Also thanks for your support in here, it's very brave.

 

Congratulations on your amazing journey, it's heartbreaking Keep trusting yourself,  and your healing habilities, you can do it. Remember, it's all withdrawal.

 

Let me know next steps.

 

Warm regards

 

PS hablas español ?

 

 

 

[Gridley]

2 hours ago, JMiller said:

PS hablas español ?

Si, hablo bastante bien.

[JMiller]

35 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Si, hablo bastante bien.

Qué bien, Enorabuena!!! Cuando vas a otro país y aprendes el idioma, mejora mucho la experiencia. 😉

[Gridley]

5 minutes ago, JMiller said:

Qué bien, Enorabuena!!! Cuando vas a otro país y aprendes el idioma, mejora mucho la experiencia.

Claro que si.

[JMiller]

6 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Claro que si.

Cuando será el post público? 

[mstimc]

Hablo espanol tambien.  Mi esposa es una Mexicana.

[JMiller]

5 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Hablo espanol tambien.  Mi esposa es una Mexicana.

😊 Qué bien!

[Altostrata]

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[JMiller]

Thanks Alto, and many thanks for creating this site. For the time being, sun symbol is ok. Let me get more in depth telling my proces, once it's complete we will see.

Have a lovely day 

[Altostrata]

@JMiller, how are you doing?