Icip: Has anyone with these symptoms had them improve, or completely go away?

[mstimc]

Hi Icip

We acclimated faster than I would have thought.  Even though there are 4 million people in Los Angeles, our area is like its own little town, where we can walk to the grocers and most other places.  And the people are very friendly.  Plus, its LA, so there are million things to do if we get bored.

 

Hope you're doing well across the Pond!

 

[Icip]

Update: stopped having my daily/tri-daily coffee - I feel weirdly flat, a little empty (maybe more of an emotional impact than of anything neurologically structural!) and I just have a general sense of ‘hurt’ like my brain hurts without the physical sensation of pain like in headaches. It’s a pain that I had at the start of my reaction, so I imagine I’ve distressed myself a little bit.

had an increase in floaters, light sensitivity, and general fight-or-flight sense; but that was when I was still drinking coffee - it seems to be reducing over the two days that I’ve abstained, and hopefully more as I’m planning for quite a lengthy break.

 

I do find that I can’t work without coffee, it just lets my brain churn out words regardless of their meaning. I think I find it easier to write in poetry/a creative elaborate way, than to be straight, and concise/to the point.

 

I’m not going to use my prescribed beta blockers anymore - they make me feel like I’ve had a concussion for the few days after cessation, as I only take when needed. The dizziness, and general discomfort I find when using them doesn’t really make up for the calm they give.

 

In general, and as can be made from my last few posts: the past two months has been very up and down, with increasing, and reducing brain fog; dpdr; and mood.

 

Icip.

[eileen1111]

Hi @Icip, not sure if you'll see this, but i've just been reading some of your story. re the visual snow and dpdr: in my experience the two are connected. I was first put on ssris after an anxiety-induced derealisation episode which lasted several months and one of the symptoms of the derealisation was visual snow, head pressure, light sensitivity etc. At first I was worried it was HPPD. was trawling the internet and visual snow/hppd groups. But once my derealisation cleared up as my anxiety was treated, the visual snow went... I just thought I'd throw this out there in case you hadn't considered it as being a part of the dpdr instead of separate, and so as remaining WD anxiety fades, it will too !! not like hppd which can be permanent i gather 

 

anyway hope you're doing okay  

[ChessieCat]

I've moved your new topic about Lamictal to the existing topic.

 

lamictal-lamotrigine-to-calm-post-acute-withdrawal-symptoms-paws

 

[Icip]

@eileen1111,

 

hi, thank you for stopping by, and thanks for sharing this!!! Very happy to hear that it cleared up for you Eileen, having it linger is just another unknown that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone

how long did it take to clear for you, did antidepressants help?

visual snow seems to be ‘naturally’ occurring, or self-inflicted, and HPPD is from drugs directly - mine could be either as it was triggered by sertraline, but could still be secondary to the dpdr. So, thank you for that little bit of hope. I hope you are too!

[Icip]

Thank you @ChessieCat

[Icip]

Light sensitivity, floaters are back, reality looks ‘fake’, horrible horrible stomach issues, currently feel like I’ve been shot in my upper abdomen and has persisted since Tuesday morning, seems to worsen with stress (and dairy), dizziness, feeling faint

these might be linked, or I have a stomach bug/ibs which runs in my family/gastritis, which it looks like the most. General ‘charged feeling’ to myself, in a overstimulated nervous system kind of way

Badly written update but I’m in quite a lot of discomfort

[eileen1111]

10 hours ago, Icip said:

 

how long did it take to clear for you, did antidepressants help?

so the first time I got derealisation + visual snow was in 2019 because of a period of chronic anxiety, had it for a few months then started SSRIs, after a month it cleared up (the VS alongside it). Was fine with no more episodes until i suddenly stopped taking sertraline in sept 2021, then the dr came back along with the VS, and that's what i'm still dealing with now. but in this case i am fairly sure it is caused by the withdrawal and not a relapse because it comes and goes in intensity.

 

derealisation is definitely one of the scariest withdrawal effects because it can make you so much more anxious, and it's so subjective and people don't really know what u mean !! I experience it as if i'm constantly on a low dose of a psychedelic that i have no control over or a persisting ocular migraine aura kind of thing, with sensitivity to stimuli, head pressure, visual snow and perceived false changes in lighting conditions e.g. the sensation that the light is fading or the hues have shifted suddenly, aka things look 'unreal'. interestingly i don't have depersonalisation it's just dr. 

 

anyway i really hope things get easier for you soon 

[Icip]

Mini Update:

 

Out of what was I presume a huuuge three or so month wave. Cognition is good/mentally more clear, dpdr isn’t as bad as it was, and I feel more awake/like my brain has switched on than before, time moves a little more slowly, and I feel like I have greater control over myself, n everything isn’t just a blur, or dream.

 

Though I’ve realised my anxiety is now functioning a lot in the same as it used to, where in social situations I get mentally tired/head pressure easily. For the past two years I’d been quite steady with high anxiety/too spaced out to feel anxious, now that I’m a little more switched on it feels like that’s switched on too.

 

So, TLDR I feel tons better/more like my old self after this wave, than I had done prior. Is there a fabled two year-mark wave?

 

Edit: my sleep is a lot lighter too, again, how it was before my reaction. I wake up constantly through the night, wake up early on accident, all how I was pre-reaction to Sertraline. Odd

[mstimc]

7 hours ago, Icip said:

So, TLDR I feel tons better/more like my old self after this wave, than I had done prior.

Great news, Icip!  Here's hoping you have a nice long window!

[Icip]

@mstimc thank you!

[Icip]

Small(ish) update:

 

I continue to feel a lot more alert, but for the past four days or so I’ve had a really bad tension headache. No pain, only small ice pick jabs every now and again, but really bad pressure which I can feel especially at the front of my head

sleep has been bad - I can get to sleep easily, but can’t maintain it, I keep waking up, and seem to wake up at 6am every day regardless of when I went to bed.

Baseline anxiety has also chalked up, I had a huge freak out yesterday morning at 7am over something that happened in the past, n felt obliged to go for a three/four mile walk along the trans penine trail near me. Not out of choice, my brain just went into flight mode

 

my cognition doesn’t seem affected by this, other than being a bit shakey - which is a first for having a high-anxiety period. It feels new, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before since my reaction

it did sort of start after I’d had too much coffee, only two cups but I seem to be sensitive to it, and it does feel like the day after when I’ve had too much coffee before, but again for the past week. Who knows, the feeling is making me uncomfortable

[Icip]

Little background to what I posted above:

I've had a lot of university work, so have had background stress from that - I've been drinking quite a bit more alcohol, not copious amounts but it's been gradually increasing to around two-four pints a week as I've found that it helps break my mood, if I'm ever a bit anxious. Caffeine consumption has decreased, to again, two-four cups of double-shot espressos a week - I used to drink far more than this, to around two-three double-shot espressos a day later last year, and was fine. My nervous system has seemingly been becoming more and sensitised/sensitive to substances since last December. Whether this is the beta blockers, as this bout of anxiety has followed cessation of taking one beta blocker a day for two weeks, cold turkey. It initially worsened when I was forgetting/skipping doses. Or in my head I've worried, as my neighbour smokes weed, only smellable when outside his door, when entering mine, but not at all when inside of my apartment. My friend's girlfriend takes sertraline; I went to the pub with him, and he had a sip of my beer, and symptoms started to get worse after that, if not just a gradual continuation of what had already been happening/how I had been feeling.

 

This is all after having a great week/two weeks, as I've aforementioned whilst taking my beta blockers consistently. I read yesterday that they are psychoactive, affecting/blocking noradrenaline reuptake, a feature of antidepressants too. So if this area of my brain is still sensitised/had become sensitised again, as the symptoms I have/way I feel now is much like the anxiety component of my initial reaction, whilst not having any other physical, or cognitive symptoms.

 

Beyond anything it is interesting what's happening, if not inconvenient. As much as this may be residual anxiety, and not really warrant being posted here, it does feel like a little more than that.

 

TLDR for the past month: I've felt more switched on, and 'alert' despite still having fatigue from covid, my cognition has improved, as well as swathes of my brain fog easing quite a lot. I've felt more 'whole' as a person, not spiritually, I can't really describe it, like my conscious isn't broke, or I just feel less broken? It's nice, but still an up and down roundabout like the past few years have been for me

[Icip]

Good Evening,

 

Little update:

 

My sense of self, groundedness, connection to reality, and just visual perception of the world seems to be healing/improving. It has done substantially over the past four months, and I'm only now just starting to notice the fruits of it.

 

Doing familiar things, like being in my mums car, and just in general being in my family home, has offered a nice comparison to how I felt last time when I was here at Christmas, then how I was a bit before my reaction.

 

I feel nice, quite content, and hopeful for another few years of healing,

 

Icip

[Icip]

@rebeccaannxo,

 

hi! Yes!! I did (dizziness) for the first month or two of my reaction. It subsided - it’s a vestibular issue.

I had trouble walking too, as I had nerve pain in my legs, and I presume POTS from vagus nerve dysregulation, I had an ECG and it showed an inverted heart rhythm. Look into POTS on Google, hope it helps + it’s not permanent, it’ll go away as your symptoms subside/as you heal if you think that’s what you might have.

hope you’re okay!

 

icip

[Lilly998]

On 5/8/2022 at 11:13 PM, Icip said:

 

My sense of self, groundedness, connection to reality, and just visual perception of the world seems to be healing/improving. It has done substantially over the past four months, and I'm only now just starting to notice the fruits of it.

 

Glad that u are feeling better 😇

 

but can i ask u how did u accept that even after 2 year mark u are not fully recovered and still have DP and brain fog ? i just wanna know how do u guys cope wiz all of this 

 

You guys are so STRONG i just cant be as strong as u are

[Icip]

@Lilly998,

 

Hi:) It helped that at the start, I didn't really believe I could get better - I was told by people on this site that I could, but saw little in the way of evidence for getting very much better beyond a couple success stories. Any little bit of healing, any way in which I feel more like myself, than I did prior to that, brings me immense joy.

 

I'm stuck like this, so to know that *eventually* I'll feel better, much better, I think it's worth waiting for. You'll feel better too, and that time comes for everyone. I'm really not very strong, I panic over the smallest of things, and more often than not im stuck in a trance of really bad anxiety over my reaction, or any other stressors that have become much worse since my reaction.

 

I hope you're okay, and if you have any questions, are struggling, or wanna chat then feel free to PM!

 

Icip

[Lilly998]

@Icip Thanks a lot for ur reply i really appreciate it 

i hope the FULL RECOVERY for u 

 

but can i ask by what % have u improved ? 

[Icip]

@Lilly998,

 

Thank you, me too for you!

 

hmm, it's very hard to give a percentage, as I've always felt so close to being fully healed, yet it's still so far in that healing comes very slowly, and steadily. I would say, in looking at the past two years, I'm 60% healed - that 60% is a lot, it's everything I need right now to function, and be happy, but still isn't to a point where I really feel like I can leave this behind, and be fully content.

If I'm having a good few weeks/months, I've had times where I've forgot completely about it, being with friends, going to parties, doing university work, or, just existing, but a happy existence. A lot of it for me corresponds to anxiety, which still quite worryingly increases my symptom's severity.

 

You get to a point, where it's manageable. It becomes more in your own hands rather than from any external source, and you're able to control it much better than at the start. A year out is still so early, if that's where you're at - I thought I was finished healing at just one year, but I've been blessed with so much more. It's less noticeable in the short-term, but looking back to how I was, and how I felt just a year and a half ago, back to the one year mark; I'm born anew. I read again now, I go out walking, I write again, I'm finishing my degree, I cycle and exercise which I just couldn't for ages after my reaction due to heart problems (POTs symptoms). So whilst my anxiety still gets on top of me more often than not - I'm happy, and you can get there too! It'll come soon, just make sure you're looking out for it:)

 

Icip

[Lilly998]

16 hours ago, Icip said:

 

You get to a point, where it's manageable. It becomes more in your own hands rather than from any external source

Good for you 🥳

 

16 hours ago, Icip said:

A year out is still so early

Is it uncommon to find people who totally recover after 1 year mark as in my beginning of WD i heard of people who recovered totally after 1 year i hope to be one of them 

[Icip]

@Lilly998,

 

I haven’t personally read any testimonies of people recovering that quickly - I haven’t read many at all. It depends on the severity of your reaction - healing isn’t necessarily an absolute, you’ll just reach thresholds of capability. I’ll be very honest, int hat I’d be quite happy if my healing stopped here, I’d very much so like the anxiety to reduce a little, but in a whole, my cognition isn’t so bad, I’m used to the dpdr; it’s been lessening a lot lately too.

 

You won’t struggle forever, nor for much longer. Even if you still have symptoms, things get a lot easier, the longer you go through this

I hope you recover that quickly too:) time is the best healer and all we can do in the meantime is pray - or wait!

 

Icip

[Icip]

@rebeccaannxo,

 

I replied to you above if you didn’t see! If you search for your symptoms using the site search, there a lot of people with your symptoms, including myself when I was a lot more sick.

 

The lightheadedness might be POTS, as this was the case for me, and is reversible with time, patience, and taking a little time to let your nervous system heal.

 

Check your heart rate whilst resting, then against your heart rate standing up - my resting heart rate is still 85, rather high for a 22-year-old, and compared to my heart rate of 60 per-reaction.

When out walking post-reaction, my heart rate would average 146, this was a quite casual, and slow stroll too.

I’ve never had the tremors though, unless you mean a physical tremor - I still get these and they’re anxiety related for me! Though they can come on with antidepressant AR/withdrawal.

 

Icip

[mstimc]

On 5/8/2022 at 2:13 PM, Icip said:

Good Evening,

 

Little update:

 

My sense of self, groundedness, connection to reality, and just visual perception of the world seems to be healing/improving. It has done substantially over the past four months, and I'm only now just starting to notice the fruits of it.

 

Doing familiar things, like being in my mums car, and just in general being in my family home, has offered a nice comparison to how I felt last time when I was here at Christmas, then how I was a bit before my reaction.

 

I feel nice, quite content, and hopeful for another few years of healing,

 

Icip

Hi Icip

 

This is wonderful news! Healing takes place over time, and its best to look back over months instead of days or weeks.  It sounds like you are on a great recovery track!

[Icip]

Hi @mstimc,

 

thank you for popping by every now and again, it’s lovely to see your name pop up:) my baseline is ever increasing, I still just have constant ups and downs which makes seeing the progress for what it is harder.

 

I hope you’re well too, and you’re finding time for your woodworking!

 

Icip.

[Icip]

Hi All,

 

little update:

 

i get burned out easily, over-sensitised easily with no consistency in what causes it. Coffee can cause it, but then on days like today, I’ve had two cups of coffee + it’s made me feel quite relaxed? It’s definitely better, and less intrusive in it’s severity than it was even six or so months ago, just, still a bit tedious to live with.

 

im coming to the end of university, I did quite a lot of work in April of this year, and since, I’ve been burned out, struggling to concentrate - I’ve only got the slightest bit of work left to do on my diss, and I just can’t get my head around it (I have disability allowances from my uni, so have till the 25th of July to submit). But getting there.

 

it’s coming to a point, where despite still having dpdr, and visual snow, my main difficulties lie with the excess of anxiety that I feel. In April I had a week where I almost felt normal again, very grounded, very connected, able to think like I used to, plan, and work (when I got most of my dissertation done heh). Subsequently, it was a week where I had little to worry about, and I didn’t spend my time worrying, which I guess is a bit of proof of healing, more than I thought I’d had.

 

on bad days when I’m worrying/something’s snagged my ocd, I can feel like I’m back in the thick of my reaction again. Then on good days/weeks, I feel nice.

 

This might be windows/waves still - I did feel quite horrible at the start of the year, more so than usual at my worst. Or it could be residual anxiety from my reaction whether structural, or from my own emotional reaction to the reaction.

 

I’m starting to realise that now it’s my job to pick up the reins + reduce the anxiety/work on my own problems even that led me to taking the meds, as I’m in a place where I could quite easily go back to that, and those thinking patterns, no longer kept away by my reaction.

 

I’ve contacted my old place of therapy, who’re that devolved  from the rest of my region’s mental health services that they themselves no longer have access to their own database, and I can only gain access, despite being a patient, with an option of more therapy being given after my first bout, through my gp; It’s just a tad annoying.

The neurologist I saw said that I’m in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’, which is yes very true, and the primary thing I need to get over right now, and that I think plays into the dpdr quite a bit.

 

Icip

[Icip]

little update:

 

i get frequent migraines, i have them around about once a month, atleast that i’ve noticed. for this recent one, i took a single beta blocker, sometimes when i take them they can make me feel ok, but i’ve noticed that if i take them when my nervous system is already sensitised, they make me feel 1000x worse, and this bad feeling will last for a week, or beyond if i don’t let myself settle.

 

i had what symptomatically looked, and felt like a migraine three or four days ago, i took a single beta blocker, and since i’ve felt so much worse, light headed, dizzy, faint, and just spaced out. there’s a very heavy feeling in my head too.

 

i feel ok generally, and other than this as this will hopefully dissipate soon. i’m just getting so fed up of how sensitised i am, and to everything. one small thing can just make me feel like death for days, or weeks. even anxiety triggers physical symptoms still, not that that’s exclusive to have an adverse reaction, it’s just intolerable in the current form that it inhabits.

 

maybe a silly, and obvious question, but would coffee hinder recovery, and keep me sensitised? i don’t drink all too much, maybe one every two days, sometimes two or three (this makes me feel bad so i do avoid having this much, and is a rarity). would this have a persistent effect?

i used to be ok with 2/3 coffees a day this time last year, and i noticed no obvious effects on my symptoms, or mental state. though since i started taking beta blockers, whether consistently for a few weeks, or sporadically as i do now; with one every three weeks, maybe four consecutive pills, i just can’t tolerate coffee anymore, i get so sensitive to light, dizzy, and spaced out, with heavy head headaches more frequent than not.

 

i’ve noticed this for a while, i’ve just never been able to put it down to them, my nervous system feels more sensitised than ever whilst taking them, and since taking them consistently. are they really activating, or have any negative effect on my nervous system?

 

icip

[Ariel]

Hi @Icip

I'm sorry to hear about your frequent migraines that last a long time. 

I can relate to that, it's been a problem for me in WD, too.

 

I don't have any experience with beta-blockers so I can't speak to that, but I will say that I've had to eliminate caffeine entirely. 

This includes coffee (regular and decaf), tea (black, green, white), chocolate (all kinds), and everything else with even trace caffeine. 

In WD caffeine is extremely activating to my system and just sets me on edge, exacerbating symptoms. Can be quite unpleasant. 

Many people find it helpful to eliminate caffeine intake while in WD, same goes for alcohol and sugar. 

 

Best of luck to you on your continuous healing journey,

A.

[Icip]

@Ariel Interesting that you mention decaf - I find that I feel really bad after drinking it, which I've never understood. How long have you been in withdrawal for now, if you don't mind me asking? Does chocolate, and other 'lower' amounts do this to you too? My housemates keep buying Coke Zero, and I've been drinking it like water, not knowing why my anxiety has been getting so bad, on top of coffee, decaf, tea, and the beta blockers which just feel like they agitate everything; I do wonder why I feel so bad haha

 

Icip

[Icip]

Little'er update:

 

I've been having quite bad intrusive thoughts, my head feels full, I feel a bit disconnected, almost drunk most of the time, and my mood is quite low/feels unregulated - I feel a lot better if I meditate, or read. I think, perhaps, that I've destabilised my nervous system. I'm finding it quite hard to differentiate between typical anxiety, and stoking my system

[mstimc]

2 hours ago, Icip said:

I feel a lot better if I meditate, or read.

Hi ICIP.  If reading or meditation helps, it sounds like distraction and mindfulness tools are most effective for you.  If you give your brain something positive to focus on, it will crowd out the negative thinking and ruminations.   This is actually a good thing because you've identified the best tools to help you cope!  To see if its the right way to go, try some more mindfulness exercises, like observing and naming the plants around your house and describing them to yourself in detail.  Even if its only for a few minutes, if you get relief from the intrusive thoughts you can build on that foundation. 

[Ariel]

7 hours ago, Icip said:

Interesting that you mention decaf - I find that I feel really bad after drinking it, which I've never understood. How long have you been in withdrawal for now, if you don't mind me asking? Does chocolate, and other 'lower' amounts do this to you too? My housemates keep buying Coke Zero, and I've been drinking it like water, not knowing why my anxiety has been getting so bad, on top of coffee, decaf, tea, and the beta blockers which just feel like they agitate everything; I do wonder why I feel so bad haha

 

Hi @Icip

 

Decaf still contains small amounts of caffeine. In WD our systems tend to be so sensitive that even such low levels of caffeine can be way too much for us. Yes, same goes for chocolate. 

 

Coke Zero, along with other colas and some clear sodas such as Mountain Dew, is highly caffeinated. Same goes for energy drinks. If I were you I'd eliminate all Coke Zero and similar products. In addition to the caffeine content, artificial sweeteners don't do our bodies, brains, guts any favors and can possibly be harmful to health. My rule is no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, either. 

 

I've also eliminated alcohol, incl. beverages with trace amounts of alcohol, e.g. kombucha and water kefir. Even the most infinitesimal quantity of alcohol can exacerbate WD symptoms. 

 

I stick with plain water. 

 

Healing vibes, 

A.

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

9 hours ago, Icip said:

Little'er update:

 

I've been having quite bad intrusive thoughts, my head feels full, I feel a bit disconnected, almost drunk most of the time, and my mood is quite low/feels unregulated - I feel a lot better if I meditate, or read. I think, perhaps, that I've destabilised my nervous system. I'm finding it quite hard to differentiate between typical anxiety, and stoking my system

I felt that drugged disconnected feeling. It left in month three

[Icip]

@Roserdl,

 

Have you felt it since? When I’ve shaken my nervous system I notice the feeling coming back.

hope you’re ok!

 

icip

[Icip]

@mstimc,

 

this was a lovely message to read! Mindfulness does seem to help a lot, I’ve noticed that it puts me in a place to problem solve, and trust my decisions - rather than being stuck in a constant thought loop. It helps with that, and in general makes me feel good!

 

icip

[Roserdl]

Hey.

 

No I have gotten progressively clearer even now reducing the med back down.  

 

Things I found very helpful are cold showers, cytokine suppress supplement, and walking daily. Also breath work.

 

I take mct oil and follow keto.

 

Sounds like you have come a super long way.  

 

 

 

 

 

[Icip]

hello all,

 

Update!

 

The past month for me has been quite torrid, a couple things have popped up into my life that have been giving me a significant amount of stress: dating, and the ups n lows of that; general but persistent anxiety around my future feeling on most days still, quite bad/out of it; the neighbours in my new house smoke quite a bit of weed, you can smell it in the living room, and blows in through the windows, I can tolerate it, and I've learned that it's not going to adversely effect my symptoms (hopefully), but when im stressed, or anxious anyway - it's the first thing that my old latches onto, and makes a bigger deal out of than it really is; then, as I am an addict, coffee is one of the few escapes I have, I've struggled to stay away when stressed, as the act of drinking, being in a café or using it to work with is just a bit too alluring for me, however much dissonance is involved to make me drink it!

 

For the past month, my dp/dr has been pretty awful, right now I feel very spacey, and uninhibited as when it's bad, I struggle to focus on my speech, being concise, or actually putting substance into my words, and like there's a layer of wool between myself, and my surroundings.

It felt a bit better the other day, then, I had two coffees whilst writing an internship application, and have felt a tad more than rubbish since. I'm aware this is partially my own fault, in kindling my system. Over the past year, going out for coffee has been a coping mechanism, to escape whatever situation im in, or to fill my day if I've something im trying to run away from in my mind - then more recently, I wrote about 60% of my dissertation in cafés.

 

My visual snow has been worse - my vision feels glitchy much in the way it did closer to the start of my reaction. Tinnitus has weirdly been muted. My brain fog has ebbed and flowed too - I was at a party last night, and had an exceedingly normal conversation with someone for an hour; I even felt quite good about it as my dp wasn't as bad as it has been today.

 

I don't really know what signs to look out for, if this is 'kindling' of my nervous system, or whether I just have a dissociative disorder now, and it's worsened from persistent anxiety, and stress. As much as it saddens me, and I've said it before vapidly, I'm going to quit drinking caffeinated coffee as looking at where I got to without caffeine after my reaction, compared to feeling like I've fallen back into the hole of summer 2020 - where my symptoms were consistently worse. I've found a place in Leeds where: 1) the cakes are mmm (they do a peach, and apricot Bakewell which is my fave), and 2) the decaf doesn't taste too far removed from the caffeinated variety, IF... Up North.

 

I'm not sure whether I've said, but I've finished my degree, and awaiting my results. I'm a little worried as I was still quite unwell in second year, which subsequently brought down my first two module's marks after taking a year off. Though I've had to keep reminding myself of the circumstances in which I completed my degree, when I know quite a few people who've dropped out for things that on the surface don't quite seem as bad as a toxic reaction to psychotropic medication.

 

Without coffee, my only comfort now are Sainsbury's triple chocolate cookies, which are very nice esp with milk.

 

I've an internship hopefully lined up - which will provide free housing, with bills paid, and a monthly bursary in an area that I'd be interested to have the experience in - much less than it being, I feel, a great way to have a worry-free year to heal physically still, and emotionally from the past almost three years.

 

As much as the worsened dpdr has scared me, it's nice to have a normal problem. Something that I can look up on reddit n see what everyone else feels who has it - something that isn't caused by the extraordinary, that I can almost believe and retreat to as a simplification if I need to. I also get regular migraines now, I've noticed at least monthly - I think I've always had them, but before I just attributed them to a worsening of symptoms - again, it's nice to have that name, and something that I can say to people as a reason for my poorliness, rather than having, or feeling I have to lie.

 

To loosely quote Dodie Clark:

 

"I am objectively fine, so why do I not feel fine"