Jump to content
getofflex

Son Visiting and Neuro Emotions

Recommended Posts

getofflex

My older son, who is 25, came for a visit the day before yesterday.  The first day was very good.  Yesterday was pretty good.  Last night he made a critical comment to me about the way I spoke to our other son.  I was trying to talk to and reassure the younger son because he had not done well on a test.  My older son said "you're not helping".  Then this morning, we went out to breakfast.  When I started to ask for a fork, older son says "Don't make a big deal out of it".   When he said this, I felt hurt and like he had criticized me.  I spoke to my son after we got home, and told him that he and I are a lot different (He is an engineer who is very logical and left brained, whereas I'm an artist who is very emotional). I told him that I hoped he could still love and accept me even though he and I are very different.  I was crying while talking to him about this.  I wish I had been able to be calmer and less emotional while talking to him.  

 

I woke up this morning feeling very emotional and weepy.  Now, for the past 1/2 hour, I've been very weepy and upset.  I'm extremely sensitive to any comment made to me that can be construed as criticism.  I grew up with constant criticism by a family of narcissists.  I am really hoping that as I get through withdrawal, that I will be less sensitive to criticism, or perceived criticism.  I'm also menopausal, so that doesn't help with the high emotions either.  

 

Do you think I will get less emotional and take stuff less personally as I move farther along in healing from the effects of these drugs?  I really want to get over this trait of being so easily hurt by criticism and taking it personally. 

Share this post


Link to post
mstimc

Hi

Yes, I think you will find you won't react like this as the withdrawal effects fade.   During the height of my anxiety/OCD and withdrawal, I judged myself very harshly for every mistake--real or imagined--I made, both past and present.  I was also hyper-sensitive to what people thought about me.  I was especially afraid of people being mad at me.  It took a while, but I came to realize this was a form of reverse narcissism,   where I thought anything I did offended someone else.  As my therapist said, "I hate to disappoint you, but you're not the center of everyone's world."  

 

At work, I had a reputation as an effective manager because I wasn't afraid to have the "difficult conversation" with my employees when necessary.  When I started second-guessing myself in these situations, I knew it was time to get back on track or I really would be letting people down.  I forced myself to be the manager I needed to be, and that carried over to my private life, and I was able to keep conversations and comments in perspective.   As you said, you grew up in a hyper-critical family; take that comment to heart and realize others' behavior can't be allowed to affect your outlook.  I had a family member who was constantly criticizing me and other family members.  I finally told her "When you pay my mortgage, you get to tell me how to live my life."   Things improved (at least for me) after that! 

Share this post


Link to post
getofflex

Thanks for the reassurance and feedback.  After I created this post I laid under a weighted blanket and listened to classical music.  I keep telling myself "this too shall pass, this is only temporary".  I've been in a wave today.  Too much activity and stress going on.  I do much better when things are quiet and uneventful in my life.  

Share this post


Link to post
UnfoldingSky

getofflex, things will get better.  When I was in acute withdrawal I couldn't bear hearing almost anything anyone had to say to me.  If they said anything that seemed harsh it could cause me to be upset for days.  This included things that would not normally bother me. It did improve and am more like I used to be before this all happened to me. I understand about too much activity too, I like to be low key as well.  All the buzzing about at holiday times, activity, crowds, noise, lights, it's too much for me, let alone the stress of trying to be prepared when people visit.  I'm way better at handling this now though then when withdrawal first hit. 

Share this post


Link to post
mstimc
5 hours ago, getofflex said:

Thanks for the reassurance and feedback.  After I created this post I laid under a weighted blanket and listened to classical music.  I keep telling myself "this too shall pass, this is only temporary".  I've been in a wave today.  Too much activity and stress going on.  I do much better when things are quiet and uneventful in my life.  

Same here.  One of the ways I manage my anxiety is by trying to stick to some routines when I can, especially around sleeping.  I try to go to bed around the same time (which is good for you anyway) and I listen to soothing music or audio books till I fall asleep. When I know I'll be up late for social events, I can prepare myself mentally and emotionally by concentrating on the enjoyable time I'll have rather than the disruption to my routine. 

Share this post


Link to post
getofflex

I plan to have a nice quiet week this week, as best as I can.  Last night my elderly mother wanted me to take her Christmas shopping, but I'm going to delegate that to my youngest sister who is coming in to visit and help her this week.  I have to learn to take care of myself, and say no, and not worry if the other person is not happy with my "no".  My older son went back home to Connecticut early this morning.  I'm glad he came to visit, but I'm also glad he didn't stay very long.  I also aim to have quiet, relaxing evenings but that didn't happen while he was visiting.  Now my sister is coming in from out of town today, but she is not staying with me.  If she makes any demands on me in the next few days I'm going to tell her I'm under the weather and will see her later this week.  She is staying with my other sister, and will be here for a few weeks so there will be plenty of time to see her.  

 

Thanks mstimc and unfolding sky for the reassurance, it is very helpful. 

Share this post


Link to post
mstimc
13 minutes ago, getofflex said:

I plan to have a nice quiet week this week, as best as I can.  Last night my elderly mother wanted me to take her Christmas shopping, but I'm going to delegate that to my youngest sister who is coming in to visit and help her this week.  I have to learn to take care of myself, and say no, and not worry if the other person is not happy with my "no".  My older son went back home to Connecticut early this morning.  I'm glad he came to visit, but I'm also glad he didn't stay very long.  I also aim to have quiet, relaxing evenings but that didn't happen while he was visiting.  Now my sister is coming in from out of town today, but she is not staying with me.  If she makes any demands on me in the next few days I'm going to tell her I'm under the weather and will see her later this week.  She is staying with my other sister, and will be here for a few weeks so there will be plenty of time to see her.  

 

Thanks mstimc and unfolding sky for the reassurance, it is very helpful. 

I think this is one of the reasons the holidays are so hard for many of us.  The disruption, the noise, the crowds, etc.  Not to mention the stress of buying gifts.  And all of us have at least one relative whom we love dearly but can be especially "challenging".   

Share this post


Link to post
getofflex

I couldn't agree more, mstimc.  I will be glad when the holidays are over.  I would have been happy to take my mom shopping if she had asked earlier, and I was feeling well.  I very much dislike the crowds, the noise, the expectations, and all of the hoopla.  It becomes a 3 ring circus, and it's a big waste of energy and money. I believe the meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ, not all of the commercialism.  

Share this post


Link to post
mstimc
10 minutes ago, getofflex said:

I couldn't agree more, mstimc.  I will be glad when the holidays are over.  I would have been happy to take my mom shopping if she had asked earlier, and I was feeling well.  I very much dislike the crowds, the noise, the expectations, and all of the hoopla.  It becomes a 3 ring circus, and it's a big waste of energy and money. I believe the meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ, not all of the commercialism.  

Same here.  I do take pleasure in decorating our Christmas tree.  Before we moved to Portugal, our house's living room had a vaulted ceiling so we had a 9' artificial tree.  We like to collect ornaments when we travel, so I decorated with those and some heirloom ornaments from family.  And of course an angel on top!  What I really liked is that anyone who came to our house could enjoy it.  I didn't have to buy a ton of presents for people to enjoy the holiday.

 

Share this post


Link to post
getofflex
3 hours ago, mstimc said:

Same here.  I do take pleasure in decorating our Christmas tree.  Before we moved to Portugal, our house's living room had a vaulted ceiling so we had a 9' artificial tree.  We like to collect ornaments when we travel, so I decorated with those and some heirloom ornaments from family.  And of course an angel on top!  What I really liked is that anyone who came to our house could enjoy it.  I didn't have to buy a ton of presents for people to enjoy the holiday.

 

That sounds beautiful!  I'd love to see a picture of it.  

Share this post


Link to post
mstimc
1 minute ago, getofflex said:

That sounds beautiful!  I'd love to see a picture of it.  

If I knew how to attach pictures to this blog, I'd be happy to oblige!

Share this post


Link to post
lxjuice

How sure are you this is a neuroemotion? It may be made worse by the state of your nervous system but it fits right into place with what you've said about your background. The danger in withdrawal is interpreting every exaggerated emotion as a "neuro-emotion" and then you don't undergo the necessary psychotherapy for what turns out to be based more in reality than not.

 

It might help if you think about when you are menopausal. Your emotions run high but they're not completely baseless, and it's not true that all you can do about it is sit on your hands and hope they go away.

Share this post


Link to post
getofflex
1 hour ago, lxjuice said:

How sure are you this is a neuroemotion? It may be made worse by the state of your nervous system but it fits right into place with what you've said about your background. The danger in withdrawal is interpreting every exaggerated emotion as a "neuro-emotion" and then you don't undergo the necessary psychotherapy for what turns out to be based more in reality than not.

 

It might help if you think about when you are menopausal. Your emotions run high but they're not completely baseless, and it's not true that all you can do about it is sit on your hands and hope they go away.

I see your point.  I've spent years in therapy dealing with my issues from the past.  I do agree that we need to address our emotions, and not just do nothing about them and hope they go away.  I'm now in a 12 step program again (AA) and it is hugely helpful in dealing with my emotions.  I have a really good sponsor, and am so grateful to be back in here.  I'm doing so much better now that I was in December.  

Share this post


Link to post
lxjuice
28 minutes ago, getofflex said:

I see your point.  I've spent years in therapy dealing with my issues from the past.  I do agree that we need to address our emotions, and not just do nothing about them and hope they go away.  I'm now in a 12 step program again (AA) and it is hugely helpful in dealing with my emotions.  I have a really good sponsor, and am so grateful to be back in here.  I'm doing so much better now that I was in December.  

That's good. Even after lots of therapy, old emotions and reactions will come back temporarily but less often and for a shorter period of time than before. You are so close to coming off lexapro! After you're off you'll be able to figure out if that's happening.

 

It also sounds like your eldest son has picked up some criticism sensitivity too (masquerading as pre-emptive attacks on yours). Unfortunately there is little you can do about this for now except cope and try not to stuff it all down. I've found meditation helpful; you would be surprised how much easier these feelings are when you build yourself up to live with them even if you can't get rid of them/their triggers. If one day he decides to look at his issues, well it will get worse when he starts looking at why it's happened, but it's the start of you two seeing eye to eye and calming down with each other.

Share this post


Link to post
getofflex

The 11th step of AA involved having conscious contact with a high power through prayer and meditation.  My son lives in Connecticut, and is not critical with me when he is on the phone with me. This all started when he hit puberty at age 13, and he is now 25.  He has calmed down a lot in the past few years from what it was in his teens.  I hope that things will settle out between the 2 of us - I suspect they will as I become less sensitive and learn to not take criticism personally.  Jennifer

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy