Waiting for The "Real Me"

[mstimc]

When I was going through withdrawal and recovery, I kept asking myself "When will the real me be back?".  Eventually, I realized I had to redefine what and who the "real me" meant.  I certainly didn't want to go back to the anxious, obsessive person I was before meds.  You can't go through SSRI/benzo use and withdrawal and be the same person.  You need to forge a new identity that embraces your experience.  In my professional life, I was a manager and performance auditor, oriented to facts and numbers.  My SSRI withdrawal taught me empathy and awareness, things that were never my strong points.  At work, I was able to recognize anxious behavior in some of my  closest co-workers and friends, and help them steer a course toward managing, rather than masking, their symptoms.  I became much more open about dealing with my own anxiety/OCD and found more people understood than I would have thought.

 

I think we also need to remember life is a series of events that constantly change us, for better or worse.  The "real me" isn't static.  Several years ago, between my son's junior and senior year in high school, we took an evening walk  We had the dubious pleasure of living exactly a mile and a half from the Nixon library, so we made a three-mile, one-hour walk.  We talked about many things.  Nothing monumental or life-changing, but we both learned something from and about each other we otherwise may never have known.  That walk and conversation was life-changing and became part of the "real me".  I'm not the same person I was in my 20's or 40's or even a year ago.  I'd like to think I'm better for the things I've been through, and can be a better person to others for it.

[Cocopuffz17]

That is great to hear! I have also found myself noticing things as you said in other people that I would of never noticed before going through this challenge of AD WD. By reading your story, you have grown immensely in a positive direction! It will continue and thanks for sharing your experience   

[mstimc]

7 hours ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

That is great to hear! I have also found myself noticing things as you said in other people that I would of never noticed before going through this challenge of AD WD. By reading your story, you have grown immensely in a positive direction! It will continue and thanks for sharing your experience   

Thank you Coco!

[India]

On 12/15/2019 at 2:51 PM, mstimc said:

When I was going through withdrawal and recovery, I kept asking myself "When will the real me be back?".  Eventually, I realized I had to redefine what and who the "real me" meant.  I certainly didn't want to go back to the anxious, obsessive person I was before meds.  You can't go through SSRI/benzo use and withdrawal and be the same person.  You need to forge a new identity that embraces your experience.  In my professional life, I was a manager and performance auditor, oriented to facts and numbers.  My SSRI withdrawal taught me empathy and awareness, things that were never my strong points.  At work, I was able to recognize anxious behavior in some of my  closest co-workers and friends, and help them steer a course toward managing, rather than masking, their symptoms.  I became much more open about dealing with my own anxiety/OCD and found more people understood than I would have thought.

 

I think we also need to remember life is a series of events that constantly change us, for better or worse.  The "real me" isn't static.  Several years ago, between my son's junior and senior year in high school, we took an evening walk  We had the dubious pleasure of living exactly a mile and a half from the Nixon library, so we made a three-mile, one-hour walk.  We talked about many things.  Nothing monumental or life-changing, but we both learned something from and about each other we otherwise may never have known.  That walk and conversation was life-changing and became part of the "real me".  I'm not the same person I was in my 20's or 40's or even a year ago.  I'd like to think I'm better for the things I've been through, and can be a better person to others for it.

@Gemma92

[Cigale]

Thank you @mstimc for sharing your insights. You have given me hope as I try and stabilize from WDs. Every day I wake up and feel like a shadow of my former confident, joyous self. I want ME back, and yet I know that I will never be who I was yesterday, last week, last year. And that is okay. I have been scarred from this awful experience, but I will heal and come out stronger, and hopefully wiser. I am so grateful for this community and people like you who are willing to open up and share your wisdom.

[mstimc]

Thank you Cigale.  You can be confident and joyous and all the others things you were, plus, as you say, wiser and stronger for the experience.  I also like to think its made me more resilient in other areas of my life, too.  Thin gs that used to bother me don't seem as important or traumatic now.  Even the current crisis in't tripping me up too badly. The whole world is in the same boat, after all.