☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

[Giulietta]

On 10/12/2019 at 3:17 AM, Rhiannon said:

that the reinstatement I did back in August seems to have worked great. I am feeling MUCH better, almost completely back to normal.

 

I am so glad for you! Does almost completely back to normal mean your sleep has also improved? I saw the line about NAP NAP NAP....

 

How do you like the Double-Wide? I have thought of these myself - rents are sky high - $1800 for 800-900 square feet 40 miles outside a major US city. The climate for double-wides is not friendly in a cold climate. Does htis mean you have only to rent the space your house is on? 

 

Holdind for the next few months would be a nice gift to your body even though you are anxious to get off everything.

On 10/12/2019 at 3:53 AM, Erell said:

I just read an article about unemployment in USA, and about millions people Being removed from allowances!

 

There are 'help wanted' signs everywhere for jobs in retail, service (coffee shops), and lower level manufacturing jobs. It's a positive change. I hope things turn around in France. I see not so many yellow vests in the news.

 

Rhi - I am so pleased you are 'back to normal' and the bath paint job is returning to full swing.

 

 

[Rhiannon]

On 10/13/2019 at 7:11 PM, Guilietta said:

 

I am so glad for you! Does almost completely back to normal mean your sleep has also improved? I saw the line about NAP NAP NAP....

 

How do you like the Double-Wide? I have thought of these myself - rents are sky high - $1800 for 800-900 square feet 40 miles outside a major US city. The climate for double-wides is not friendly in a cold climate. Does htis mean you have only to rent the space your house is on? 

 

Holdind for the next few months would be a nice gift to your body even though you are anxious to get off everything.

 

There are 'help wanted' signs everywhere for jobs in retail, service (coffee shops), and lower level manufacturing jobs. It's a positive change. I hope things turn around in France. I see not so many yellow vests in the news.

 

Rhi - I am so pleased you are 'back to normal' and the bath paint job is returning to full swing.

 

 

 

Yes, my sleep has been better, although I've been taking codeine cough syrup at night until last night. My sleep was a little worse and I had more morning symptoms again, but pretty close to my WD normal, I would say. We'll see how it goes. I do feel like the WD symptoms that hit in August are mostly gone though, as far as the hypersensitivity to light and sound and the increased anxiety. Feels more like back to my usual.

 

I can usually nap if I have the time but since I have to work--no naps most days. It's always such a treat when I can get one.

 

I like my little house quite a lot but I wish I had done more research about them before I bought it. Mine is in an over-55 community where we own the piece of land it's on, it's an HOA kind of thing, so I was able to get a regular mortgage on it. But they don't appreciate in value like stick built houses do, they supposedly depreciate, and mine is already pretty old and into the range where they can be hard to resell. Also it's on a wood foundation and those can be hard to sell too. However, here in Oregon there is a big housing shortage and we are getting more and more people moving here, so I'm hoping when it comes time to move, that will work in my favor.

 

The bath paint job is not yet full swing, I haven't tackled it again yet, you are optimistic! I appreciate your optimism though, I need the encouragement 🙂

[Giulietta]

4 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

I do feel like the WD symptoms that hit in August are mostly gone though, as far as the hypersensitivity to light and sound and the increased anxiety. Feels more like back to my usual.

 

This is such great news. I am really happy for you - and also that you are sleeping well. Codeine cough syrup or not.

 

5 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

I like my little house quite a lot but I wish I had done more research about them before I bought it. Mine is in an over-55 community where we own the piece of land it's on, it's an HOA kind of thing, so I was able to get a regular mortgage on it. But they don't appreciate in value like stick built houses do, they supposedly depreciate, and mine is already pretty old and into the range where they can be hard to resell. Also it's on a wood foundation and those can be hard to sell too. However, here in Oregon there is a big housing shortage and we are getting more and more people moving here, so I'm hoping when it comes time to move, that will work in my favor.

 

I have seen some double-wides and they are very nice. I hear what you are saying that they don't appreciate in value like stick built homes (or prefabs). If you own the land - that is a good thing. Here people end up selling the house for land value because the house may be older (and smaller). It sounds like you will come out on top though given the supply and demand.

 

You are such a fine writer and so knowledgeable about this - and guiding people in a positive way. Thank you.  

 

Hugs,

 

Giuilietta💗😪

 

 

[Erell]

12 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

 I do feel like the WD symptoms that hit in August are mostly gone though

What a lovely news !! So glad for you !!! 😙

[Erell]

Hi Rhi

I've read that you had a so-so mood these days, so I wanted To send you all my support ! 

Do you have holydays soon ? 

 

Big hugs 

[Rhiannon]

1 hour ago, Erell said:

Hi Rhi

I've read that you had a so-so mood these days, so I wanted To send you all my support ! 

Do you have holydays soon ? 

 

Big hugs 

Oh thank you Erell that is very sweet.  I appreciate the support and the hugs.

 

No I don't have any vacation time for a while, until the end of November.  Work isn't too stressful right now though, which is a nice change, it was pretty intense in the summer as we lost a lot of staff. We have some temporary workers now and we have hired new people who are training, so it's better now.

 

I went to the gym yesterday and I think that gave me some energy, I am going to try to go again this morning. Tomorrow I will be having lunch with a friend before work. Then my weekend is quite busy as my younger daughter will be in the city visiting my older daughter (about 100 km from where I live) and I will go to spend Saturday evening and Sunday morning there with them and with the grandbaby. It should be fun. I think we are going to go to a farm and buy a pumpkin on Saturday and then carve it on Sunday. 

 

I can't remember, is pumpkin carving for Halloween something that is done in France?

 

[Erell]

I'm glad To hear that things are easier at work! And congratulations on the motivation To go To the gym not always easy To find motivation when one is working !

When I worked, I used To tell me every night : "ok tomorrow i'll make some exercise"...good  résolutions 😉

 

That sounds like a really lovely weekend! Happy times in family are priceless !

 

About Halloween  : pumpkin carving is done in France, but I think Halloween is less présent in France than in USA. Actually, I never really did anything for Halloween so I'm the wrong person To talk about it 😉

 

Kisses!

[getofflex]

Rhiannon, what an incredible story.  You have truly been though hell.  You are very strong and courageous for dealing with all these issues head on, and not trying to escape it all through drugs.  I haven't read the entire thread, just the first first post, but I must say it is a miracle you came through all of this so well. 

[Erell]

Hi dear Rhi !

I've been thinking of you this weekend! 

How did the french talking go ? Tu as réussi à papoter ?

 

I hope that you had a great time with your petite-fille! How is she doing ?

 

Hugs To you !

[Rhiannon]

On 10/25/2019 at 6:24 AM, getofflex said:

Rhiannon, what an incredible story.  You have truly been though hell.  You are very strong and courageous for dealing with all these issues head on, and not trying to escape it all through drugs.  I haven't read the entire thread, just the first first post, but I must say it is a miracle you came through all of this so well. 

Thank you. Most of the time I can look at my life and be grateful for where I have come. Other times I am just angry about how much better it could have been, and how much I was harmed by other people when I either was too little to protect myself, or was older but didn't know the truth about the drugs I was taking.

 

I think today I am...well, not exactly happy, but mostly at peace with my life. It is what it is. I do try to escape sometimes, mostly with television or Twitter, but really there is nowhere to go, you know? You always come back to yourself.

 

Some days I think about my life and I feel proud, like a hero. That's the best take on it, I think. I try to remember that one. 🙂

[Rhiannon]

23 hours ago, Erell said:

Hi dear Rhi !

I've been thinking of you this weekend! 

How did the french talking go ? Tu as réussi à papoter ?

 

I hope that you had a great time with your petite-fille! How is she doing ?

 

Hugs To you !

 Papoter maybe not, but I did manage to say a few words correctly and to communicate a little, with much waving of hands and facial expressions, lol!

 

The little one is doing great. She's a funny little thing, very intelligent and sensitive and serious. Sometimes normal life situations are harder for her than for the other kids, she is sensitive to loud noises and too-boisterous activity frightens her. Her mother was the same way. But she seems to have her mother's courageous attitude and as long as she is not overwhelmed by the challenges, she will push herself and make an adventure out of anything.

 

These days everything is motion--jumping, running, rolling, climbing! She is advanced in language, so even though she is only three and a half she is starting to like chapter books with not so many pictures. She's also very affectionate and silly and cuddly.

 

I guess I could go on talking about her all day! She's my heart. 🙂

 

 

[Erell]

Haha I totally can imagine the waving of hands and the facial expression  😄

 

Your love for your petite-fille sweat from your words  (don't know if this french colloquial is right in English) : she  is very Lucky To have une mamie like you  !

 

I'm glad To hear that this weekend was great, can't wait To hear about next adventure! 😄

 

Good day !

[Giulietta]

Hello Rhi

 

I have been wondering what you have been doing and how you are feeling. What good news you saw your 'heart'. I know she treasures time she spends with you.

 

About how many hours do work a week? Is it M-F or weekends?  I hope hte new staff is working out - adjusting and getting trained and fitting with the culture.

 

4 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

Most of the time I can look at my life and be grateful for where I have come. Other times I am just angry about how much better it could have been,

4 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

mostly at peace with my life. It is what it is.

 

I agree. Mostly of the time I am grateful for what I have - the good things I have been able to do and what I have. You didn't ask for the terrible things that happened to you - including these so called medications. As you said - it is what it is. You (and most of the human race) continue to strive for something better than they have - and to have control over our lives. Like you - I find some kind of escape in television. Even at night when I'm not suppsoed to be watch TV - it is more relaxing (I wear amber glasses ) than doing things I am supposed to be doing - gratitude lists, meditating/being, etc. -  maybe because I am forced to confront my life.

 

Have you considered what you do to be to be more happy? It  is a place to start. I was once told I should always have a goal to shoot for and work towards it. It is elusive.

 

4 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

but really there is nowhere to go, you know? You always come back to yourself.

 

What do you mean by this?

 

I have been thinking of you - not had a chance to stop by to check on you, too. I am grateful you look in me once in a while.  🤗

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta 🌹

[ShiningLight]

11 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

Most of the time I can look at my life and be grateful for where I have come. Other times I am just angry about how much better it could have been, and how much I was harmed by other people when I either was too little to protect myself, or was older but didn't know the truth about the drugs I was taking.

 

I think today I am...well, not exactly happy, but mostly at peace with my life.

 

Rhi, I relate to all of it, though not currently in much of a gratitude cycle. Seems to be a bit of a demolition cycle for me personally at the moment. But anyway just wanted to let you know I'm with you. I'm sorry you have to struggle through this too--but as long as you do, it is comforting to hear you talk about it! Peace has become my new goal.

 

I'm very happy that your reinstatement continues to go well!

[Giulietta]

7 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

not currently in much of a gratitude cycle. Seems to be a bit of a demolition cycle for me

 

Demolition is one way of thinking about this.

 

I  try be grateful and positive - to 'accept' it with serenity. And to problem solve to the extent I can - by how can I do to improve my situation. I know I need to ask others to help me find my way out of this box. 😢

 

Hugs to you Rhi -

 

Guilietta

[Giulietta]

Dear Rhi,

 

Congratulations to you on your 'new'? status as a mentor. I noticed htis morning and I am so proud and pleased you have this special recognition.

 

Hugs,

 

Giuilietta 💗

[Erell]

Hi dear Rhiannon!

 

Thank you so much for sharing régularly your wisdom with us 😙

How was your weekend ? 

 

Hugs

[Rhiannon]

🙂 Well, I ended up having to work 5 hours yesterday to help cover for somebody who called in sick. Right now it's 11:12 my time so my weekend is still in progress. I'm planning to meet with friends soon and go to a high-school play this afternoon, which is always fun. I also got a little bit more painting done last night after work and hope to get a little more done tonight so at least I am making some progress with that. I did have some issues with my gut problems this morning but that seems to be settling down.

 

Hugs to you too, have a good night!

[Erell]

Oups, sorry for shorten your weekend! 😉

Glad To know the painting is in progress !

Oh yes, I love seeing play! I have a friend who works in a theater, and sometimes she gives me tickets It is so Nice To just sit in an armchair and let people tell you stories 😘

[Sottana]

Hey Rhiannon,

 

Your posts have been a source of inspiration to me all throughout my taper/WD experience. I’m sorry if it’s rude of me to ask for you to take a gander at my page on your page. I know this is your space to talk about your own issues and struggles in WD. Just thought I’d give it a shot. 
 

P.S. Rhiannon has always been my favorite fleetwood song! 
 

Anthony 

[Erell]

Hello dear Rhi, 

 

Thinking of you in this week of extra work.

I see that despite your very active life and work you spend time on here : I wanna thank you for all the positivity  you share with us , you are a gem ❤

 

Hope you take care of yourself 😙

[Erell]

😗

[Rhiannon]

I'm struggling with a decision I need to make about my job. Almost two years ago I accepted a promotion to a position that pays more but is much more stressful than what I was doing before. It's been a challenge and I think I have really grown from it, and I've learned a lot, but it has not ceased to be stressful, and I feel like the extra daily stress is getting in the way of my healing and recovery. On the other hand I really like making more money, it's quite a bit more, and if I give it up I will have to give that up.

 

I'm not asking for advice really, just wanted to share what's going on here. I think most people would think I'm crazy for considering going back to my old position for less pay and less responsibility and less respect. I think maybe you people here will be the only ones who will understand what I am having to give up for that. Who understand the toll that stress takes on our weakened and struggling brains and bodies.

 

My former position, if I go back to it, can be stressful on busy days, but when I go home it's over. I don't have to carry any responsibility with me. I just go to work, do the job, and go home. The way it is now, I feel that I carry it with me all the time, and I think that is getting in the way of getting the kind of deep relaxation that helps my body and brain heal.

 

I wish this wasn't an issue. I feel angry that even after ten years of tapering I am not free and well, and I think I probably never will be as strong as I could have been if it were not for the drugs. 

 

On the other hand, even at my lower paying former position, I am able to work full time and make enough money to live on and continue to save for retirement. That much I'm grateful for.

 

Okay, just kind of rambling, just needed to share. Thanks to everyone for your support.

[Glosmom]

Hi Rhi,  Not sure this will be any help at all (and I fully understand you weren't really looking for answers) but just wanted to share what I just went through. I have pretty much always worked full time since my children hit first grade.  When Glo had her iatrogenic brain trauma over 3 1/2 years ago, I contemplated quitting/changing jobs/going part time because it was so stressful caring for her.  I held on to full time until 3 weeks ago.  There was an opportunity at work to go part time and even though Glo's baseline appears to be improving she is still not close to the girl she used to be. So I decided to cut my hours (almost in 1/2.. so it is a huge cut in pay) but wow, is my stress level so much less!! 

 

I had to spend a lot of time making budget cuts and getting things out of my life that were non essential.  Ultimately, I landed on this.....life is short and I have to do what I need to do.    In the time where others are climbing the ladder, making their paychecks and their retirement accounts bigger.....I am shrinking my paycheck and letting any 'importance or titles' go from my life.  But the rewards are...I can focus on my health and stress level and care better for Glo.  I also gave myself permission, if Glo were to some how miraculously heal, that I could always go back to full time if I wanted and get back in the rat race.

 

Some people have grand legacys.   Some people just do what they need to do to care for themselves and live their life in a peaceful way. Peace is powerful.

 

Best wishes to you in figuring out what to do!! Glosmom

[apace41]

I appreciate Glosmom's perspective.  Another way to look at it, Rhi, is to ask whether you have continued to heal over the past 2 years.  If you have, even though you might have healed more if you had stayed at the lower stress position, you have reason to believe that you are continuing to move in the right direction and, as the job becomes more familiar over time, the stress load should continue to diminish.  If you could honestly say that going back to the old position would result in a "stress-free" life, I'd say "GO FOR IT", but there would be stresses, whether from less money, lower self-worth, etc.

 

It's not an easy decision, I would just caution you that sometimes returning (or trying to return) to the "way things were" has its own set of stressors.

 

Good luck with it,

 

Andy

 

[intothewoods]

10 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

I think most people would think I'm crazy for considering going back to my old position for less pay and less responsibility and less respect. I think maybe you people here will be the only ones who will understand what I am having to give up for that. Who understand the toll that stress takes on our weakened and struggling brains and bodies.

 

Not crazy, Rhi, but wise for considering what's best for your quality of life --- whether in WD or not. Plenty of "well" people downshift their jobs every day to have less stress, more health, avoid burnout, and just basically feel life instead of feeling frazzled.  Yes, stress is our arch enemy  in WD, and it's good to break it down to temporary stress or ongoing, big-picture stress like a job. 

 

10 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

My former position, if I go back to it, can be stressful on busy days, but when I go home it's over. I don't have to carry any responsibility with me. I just go to work, do the job, and go home. The way it is now, I feel that I carry it with me all the time, and I think that is getting in the way of getting the kind of deep relaxation that helps my body and brain heal.

 

 

If your former position at least lets go of you once you're home, that's priceless. Of course, as apace41 says, sometimes returning to the way things were can bring new stressors. But a reason the position pays less is because it doesn't exact the mental and emotional toll of your current job. You were offered the promotion because you give more than 100 percent of yourself -- that's obvious from your work on SA. There's no reason to think a promotion of some kind wouldn't be available, or several promotions, if you decided to return to your former job. You will have opportunities because of how you apply yourself and frankly, your diligence is why you're having this dilemma. You want to do the best and right thing all the way around. 

 

10 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

I feel angry that even after ten years of tapering I am not free and well, and I think I probably never will be as strong as I could have been if it were not for the drugs

 

I feel angry for you and we all feel like this yet you are stronger, freer, more in touch with the human condition than most people I've met. You're different. I'm not saying the drug journey made you this way but going through the horror, especially the way you have, gives a person the opportunity to grow or to become bitter. You chose to grow and help others. Look how you've helped so many in the few weeks back here. You are the same at work and with family. 

 

Of course, we all want the best for you and it's your decision.. Only you can know what's right for you and that's one thing you excel at: self-awareness. You listened to your body to defeat this monster (and yes, you've already won even if the chemicals still trickle a while longer). 

 

Wishing you the very best at this crossroads 😊.

 

 

[Erell]

Chère Rhiannon, 

I would love To help you try To think this issue clearer, but my mind is too confused. 

Just wanted To send you my love and wishing you the best in this décision. 

 

Trust yourself ❤

[carefulprayerful]

On 11/12/2019 at 12:03 PM, Rhiannon said:

 

On the other hand, even at my lower paying former position, I am able to work full time and make enough money to live on and continue to save for retirement. That much I'm grateful for.

 

Hi Rhi.  I have been reading your posts from time to time.  Thank you for your thoughtful, sensitive writing.

 

I think the above is great!  I have a position like what you describe.  I don’t think about it much at home, and this is so valuable.  (Nonetheless the commute is stressful, we’re always struggling to meet our deadlines, and I have two supervisors sitting in the cubicles behind me so that adds pressure.). I get to work from home 1-2 days a month, and the difference in symptoms is really significant.  The more rest, the better.    

 

On a side note, your work has given you so much insight that benefits us all here.  I am so glad you do what you do!  Thank you also for posting about your long holds.    They help me stick to mine.  
 

Wishing you continued peace and healing 🌈
 

CarefulP 

[Erell]

Dear Rhiannon

Thinking of you this morning ❤

I hope you had a good restful weekend. 

Hugs

[Giulietta]

Hello Rhi,

 

I've been thinking of you - even though I haven't visited your page in a while. I see your quandary. I see you are not looking for advice - but for what it is worth....

 

If it were me - maybe I would ask myself a few questions - and you very likely have already gone down this road....

• What are your goals - 1 year, 2 year, etc. - in terms of financial, health, retirement and personal?   How would you rank and prioritize them?
• Which option will help you better reach  your goals?
• What are the pros and cons of each job? How could you make the better paying job work for you? I found that the more you did in a job - the more the employer expected and wanted.
• Do I really like what I am doing - is there another option that would  harness my experience and knowledge?  You are such an adroit communicator. Have you considered teaching?

 

On 11/12/2019 at 12:03 PM, Rhiannon said:

I wish this wasn't an issue. I feel angry that even after ten years of tapering I am not free and well, and I think I probably never will be as strong as I could have been if it were not for the drugs. 

 

On the other hand, even at my lower paying former position, I am able to work full time and make enough money to live on and continue to save for retirement. That much I'm grateful for.

 

 

I think it is about quality of life in the hear and now and what you have to do that - and be at peace with it.

 

Sorry you have to wrestle with this difficult choice. I have been at this cross road before - and wish I had not stayed wtih the higher paying, more demanding job. It really damaged my health.

 

Keep us posted.

Hugs,

G.

[ShiningLight]

Rhi. Tough decision. Take your time with it. I used to supervise but took a break a number of years ago. Stress was a factor in that decision for me. I don't regret it. But I changed companies so the pay is similar. I don't currently have a desire to go back to it for the same reason...the responsibility.

 

Have you thought about, or do you already have, a mentor? Is there something that's causing this decision to feel urgent for you?

[Rhiannon]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful input! Everything everyone says resonates with me in some way and you have such good ideas. Fortunately there is nothing I have to decide urgently. About the earliest we can make the switch, as an organization, would be late spring or early summer anyway. 

 

The piece I left out is that I want to move forward with developing as a massage therapist. It's something I've been doing my whole life on and off, and I really love it. Unfortunately it doesn't offer the kind of pay and stability and benefits that my current job does. But as I don't really have much money for retirement, I am hoping to be able to transition to working part time in the lab field and doing some massage part time, then eventually to just doing some part time massage for as long as my body allows it. So I am hoping that as I remove some energy from the management job, and am feeling less stressed, I will have a little more "slack" and be able to put some time and energy towards creating that future.

 

But again, none of this is urgent. It is just something I have been thinking about lately because my health issues have been flaring up and it feels like stress really aggravates that. I don't know for sure, but I think having less stress might help with those.

 

Anyway, thanks for your great ideas and your support. I really appreciate this community.

 

 

[Giulietta]

2 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

The piece I left out is that I want to move forward with developing as a massage therapist. It's something I've been doing my whole life on and off, and I really love it. Unfortunately it doesn't offer the kind of pay and stability and benefits that my current job does.

 

Nice goal! I know where you find a ready-made customer base in the Pacific Northwest.  

 

 

[Erell]

Hi dear Rhiannon, 

 

I was thinking of you today and wondered how you are doing ?

Are you still doing extra-hours at work ?

 

Do you still plan on holding on your doses for a couple of months ?

 

Plein de bisous !

[intothewoods]

On 11/19/2019 at 12:14 PM, Rhiannon said:

The piece I left out is that I want to move forward with developing as a massage therapist. It's something I've been doing my whole life on and off, and I really love it. Unfortunately it doesn't offer the kind of pay and stability and benefits that my current job does. But as I don't really have much money for retirement, I am hoping to be able to transition to working part time in the lab field and doing some massage part time, then eventually to just doing some part time massage for as long as my body allows it. So I am hoping that as I remove some energy from the management job, and am feeling less stressed, I will have a little more "slack" and be able to put some time and energy towards creating that future.

 

 

@Rhiannon, I was happy to read this as massage therapists are some of the most centered, contented people I know. The profession is so focused on enhancing well-being and using our natural resources to heal and thrive -- you know all this. I think it's super-perfect that you would segue into massage more as you are able with the job benefits, etc. I love massage and was privileged to write about some spa areas, including Calistoga and Mendocino (not that far from you?), and remember floating through the days. 

 

You asked about my mom on my thread, if she is on the site, but I'll answer here quickly because like you, I've set limits on screen time and on sites that tend to trigger me. If you want, send me a pm so we can keep in touch. My research is coming along thanks in no small part to your help and my mom's. Although she's not on the site, she stays on top of things (she is an RN and chose to work in brain surgery ...!) and is a powerful force for healing. 

 

Take Care, Rhi.

 

Catherine 

 

 

[Pokeshaw]

Hello Rhi!  

 

Saw your post and wanted to send my regards and support. Like many others here I have so much identification around the stress issue. I completely understand your reasoning. Makes perfect sense to me!  I have a feeling you are being guided along the way!

 

Take good care!

Pokeshaw