Jump to content
Rhiannon

☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

Recommended Posts

trouper

having a crush sounds like a wonderful distraction. :) good luck with the taper! 

Share this post


Link to post
mattinsmom

I think it is all great. Bumpy sleep is still sleep (and still dissatisfying too, I get that). I don't fully understand the dilutions w meds but it sounds good so congrats. And you've met someone. Regardless of how long-term it ends up being, right now you have someone new and interesting to share time and stories with. Big news for you all around. Woot woot!

Share this post


Link to post
Addax

Sleep, dilution and a crush! Oh my!  :)  Yay!

Share this post


Link to post
WinningThrough

Hugs Rhi. Great that you've met someone! X

Share this post


Link to post
Pokeshaw

:);):)  

 

Poke

Share this post


Link to post
mattinsmom

Flyby

 

How ya hangin' ? You ok?

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

Yeah, doing okay. It's been bumpy. The guy turned out to be one of those who makes a better first impression than third impression, if you know what I mean.  I've been struggling with emotional ups and downs, kind of sneaky, not really the withdrawal I'm used to so it's harder to realize that's what is happening. Having some of those suicidal thoughts again. Life is such a struggle for me, I hate it. Feeling lonely and discouraged.

 

However, the past two nights I've slept better, a good seven hours last night without having to take melatonin or anything. I'm down to 1.7 mg of Valium and although I really want to make another cut I think I'm going to hold. In a couple of weeks I'll be working two weeks of graveyard shift. After that I might do another push and make two or three cuts. I'm still figuring out how this Valium withdrawal plays out for me. 

 

I'm thinking about getting an inflatable kayak. If I spend money on it I'll have to use it and that would probably be good for me.

 

Dammit, I wish I could go faster. I hate it that I have to taper so slowly.

Share this post


Link to post
WinningThrough

Sending thoughts to you Rhi. Those horrible thoughts you're having will pass. You're doing great. Hugs.

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

I just sat down and did some math and wow, I've really reached the point where I have to make super small cuts of the Xanax and citalopram to stay within a reasonable total percentage of cuts.

 

I add up my percents like this: If I cut 2% of Xanax and 2.5% of citalopram and 2% of Valium and 1.7 % of Lamictal (which I have done over the past month) that's a total of 8.2% of cutting. I know there's absolutely no evidence that this is a valid method that actually means anything, but I use it as sort of a wakeup call to keep myself from being too aggressive. And right now 2% is about the smallest cut I can make of the Xanax and citalopram even at my current higher dilutions.

 

If I could do what I wanted I would hold everything and taper off the citalopram now. But I need to get off the Valium because of the goddam doctors and their goddam ignorance and believing that Valium is Evil Incarnate and making it so hard to get prescriptions.

 

Well, anyway, I really need to hold till the end of July. If I come in here talking about making cuts before then, slap me, please.

 

Also when I get suicidal remind me that you want me to stick around. That's part of the problem, I get to thinking that nobody would miss me. I know that's probably not true but it sure feels true sometimes. It's so insidious.

 

Well, let's see how I feel by the end of July after holding for a month. Maybe in August I can make another cut to the Valium.

Share this post


Link to post
Jemima

I know what you mean about life being such a struggle, although I haven't been through anywhere near the hell you've experienced. I'm not suicidal, but there are still plenty of times when I wish life would just be OVER already. Maybe it's part of the curse of being more intelligent than average and therefore being able to see things more clearly. Life really is a b!tch. C.S. Lewis, my favorite Christian writer, said something like it's better to think of life as a classroom rather than a place where we can expect to be happy, that thinking of life as a series of lessons helps make the struggles more bearable. We also don't know how awful other people's lives are under the surface. We've been fed so much happy-crappy from TV, I know I tend (strongly) to assume that everyone who looks okay on the outside is having a wonderful life.  I was just emailing a friend that I'm glad we're going out to dinner on the Fourth because I always imagine other people having these big, marvelous barbeques and having great fun, when I know very well that barbeque or not, many people are stuck with seeing people they loathe on holidays or maybe they're holed up doing work brought home from the office and not partying at all. So much of what sells things in this ugly world is based on making us envy someone whom we think is better off than ourselves so that buying X appears to right the situation.

 

I think you're one of the most valuable members of this forum and I'm going to be really p.o.'d if you off yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
WinningThrough

Please stick around Rhi. You are very valuable. There could be many, many amazing times and experiences in your future. You are needed. The best is yet to come. Hang in there. You can do this.

Share this post


Link to post
cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Rhi, you are most definitely a valuable member not only of theis forum but of the human race. I would definitely not want you to think otherwise even for a second. You stopped by my thread and gave me encouragement when I needed it so here's hoping I can do the same.

 

Too bad the guy didn't measure up after the 3rd date (encounter? flirt?). I knew a long time ago that all the good ones were taken (for me, not for anyone else). I'd welcome a little flirting right now if only to take my mind off myself.

 

You are my hero!

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

Dear Rhi (and you too CW :)

 

I'm rather tired so can't write a lot but that line about loneliness stuck with me and struck a very familiar cord...

 

I wish there was something more to do to make you feel less lonely than writing this and totally agreeing what CW wrote. You mean so much to us ;)

 

big hug!

Share this post


Link to post
Pokeshaw

Hey Rhi -

 

sending love your way.

i am still amazed how we can connect with people on a spiritual level over this digital web. you have been a great teacher to me over these few months. I am forever grateful to you for pulling me out of a hole and shining a light ahead of me so i can see my way.

sharing some of my faith with you now.

XOX

Poke

Share this post


Link to post
dalsaan

Rhi,

 

I really like who you are in the world.  I know I only get to see parts of that but I like and admire what I see.  I value you for you.  You are not just a valuable member, you are a person of substance with inherent worth.   I like to think of you as a friend.

 

take care

 

D

Share this post


Link to post
Barbarannamated

Ditto what everyone else has said. You're loved and NEEDED by so many ~ past, present and future.

 

What's the deal with this horrid loneliness that most of us are experiencing? Regardless of who I'm with, I feel alone and lonely. Do you think it's some sort of residual or reversal of the detachment we experience ON the drugs? Rhetorical question. (Sort of)

Share this post


Link to post
Petunia

We need you here Rhi, and I would certainly miss you.  You have helped me so much on my own thread and really, just reading anything you write helps calm me down.  Haven't you noticed how often your posts get re-quoted or linked to?

 

I'm sorry about the guy not working out, its taken me a long time to realize this, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who turned out to be anything like they appeared to be at first.

 

I also feel lonely at times, but then I remember that its part of the human condition, we all experience it and spend so much of our time, energy and money trying to avoid it.  When I realize that, I don't feel so alone in my loneliness

 

((hugs))

Share this post


Link to post
mattinsmom

I will not slap you when you think of tapering too quickly. I will gently remind you that you are healing, as you have done for me.

I need you to need to stick around, you're my Valentine. 

Share this post


Link to post
Narcissus

I would miss you Rhi.  I return to your posts again and again when I'm feeling bad.  I always feel a kind of warmth whenever I see that you've posted somewhere.  You're much loved, get to know it!

Share this post


Link to post
areyouthere

Rhiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! I totally GET this!!!  Take your break … we'll be here to help and support you!!! :) RU  ***HUGS*** :)

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

Thank you all so much! You've brought tears to my eyes, in the best way. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for you all, keeping me going, step by slow step, along this path. Thank you.

 

I think I might print out your comments and post them on a wall somewhere I'll see them often.

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

That's a good idea :) 

 

I'm very happy we were able to return a bit of what we have been receiving from you :)

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

A few nights ago our night shift person called in sick and I had to work 14 hours straight, until 4 am, to help cover for her. Haven't quite gotten my sleep straightened out since and I'm thinking about just staying on a later sleep schedule rather than trying to switch back to earlier, because in about two weeks I'm going to be doing two weeks of graveyards myself. And just found out I have a week of graves in August too. 

 

So I'm not actually having that much trouble persuading myself to hold and not change any doses now. 

 

It's okay, the whole point of tapering and doing it slowly was to get my life back, and that includes being able to work and to deal with some stress.

 

I was off work yesterday and spent much of the day with a good friend, pitting cherries (it's cherry season here, I live in cherry orchard land) and getting lots of hugs and caring attention. It was helpful, I'm feeling more grounded and less lonely. 

 

Just for the sake of journaling for myself, I want to make note of some of the more subtle withdrawal symptoms that I get, that tend to sneak in under the radar. That is, when they happen I feel like, this is just who I am, or how I am, or how life is, or something; but I seem to recall not feeling this way nearly as much when I do a long hold. I want to note them now and be able to come back and see them later next time I do a long hold and see if they're better, so I can make note of it.

 

I find that I:

--feel really self-critical. Like all my bad habits are really bad, and my good efforts to improve myself and my life are never enough. I look around and see all the stuff I want to change about myself and my life and I just beat myself up about not having changed it yet or finding it so hard to change. 

--feel extra lonely. I don't credit all my loneliness to withdrawal--I think living alone is hard and we live in a society in which people are isolated and alienated a lot anyway, especially if they're not living with a partner or nuclear family. And I think that's something that happens a lot to older women, and because older women aren't much valued by our society, that doesn't really get addressed in an effective or compassionate way. And frankly we don't have a particularly compassionate culture in the USA in any way. So I think this is something I would be dealing with regardless. But I think withdrawal makes it harder and makes the feelings stronger and compounds them with the hopelessness and also makes it harder for me to reach out to people.

--feel hopeless and disempowered. I don't really know if it's realistic for me to have a bunch of hope for great changes in my life, but I do know that feeling hopeful about the future is healthy for me and is my basic personality's nature, I'm naturally optimistic. When I'm having this withdrawal stuff I feel really hopeless and it just feels like there's no point in trying to improve anything.

--find it hard to do the things that would make me feel better. It's harder to reach out to others, harder to get myself out the door to go for a walk, harder to deal with all the stimulation and noise, harder to go places and do things, harder to motivate myself even to clean the house or take care of paperwork or bills or anything. It's even hard to meditate.

--become very critical and discouraged about my whole life history. I tend to ruminate on the things I regret most in my life, to think a lot about all the ways I failed my kids when I was so dysfunctional on the meds, and how that's harmed them. And I just feel like my whole life has been pointless.

--which leads into those thoughts and feelings about life not being worth living, that really nobody would be worse off if I just wasn't around, and I wouldn't have to suffer endless days and nights of pain any more, and I'm really more of a problem for people than anything else and I should just end it.

 

This kind of stuff is extra sneaky. When I'm unable to sleep or having a lot of physical pain or brain zaps or something, it's easy to see that it's withdrawal. But these subtle neuro-emotions and (for lack of a better word) neuro-thoughts just feel like "this is what reality is like for me, forever."

 

But it seems like I do recall feeling kind of chipper and hopeful and basically pretty good, not great but able to enjoy life, to imagine good outcomes, to be able to take action on my own behalf, and it seems like I recall that those good feelings seem to come around during those times when I hold my taper.

 

Which kind of makes me want to hold it more often. Especially now that I'm down to these low doses, so that the effect of the drug itself is not so bad. It's harder to be motivated to make cuts when I know they're going to make me feel worse than I feel when I'm just taking the meds and not changing them.

 

But then again, getting to lower doses has been so great, I feel so much more myself than I have for 20 years, it just makes me wonder how great I would feel at even lower doses or off them altogether. Plus I want to become more clear-headed and get my cognitive sharpness back even more, the two meds that I've tapered the least drastically (Valium and Lamictal) are notorious for cognitive effects, so that's pretty motivating. And I know that all these drugs disrupt sleep architecture and I wonder what it might be like to sleep naturally, something I haven't done in 23 years. I can't help thinking that would be a good thing.

 

So I guess I just keep on plugging.

 

Unless somebody comes up with a magic solution that will take away the withdrawal and make it so I can just stop taking these drugs overnight? Anyone? 

 

Yeah, I didn't think so...

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

Oh, and my mother has cancer and isn't responding well to chemotherapy. Yeah. That's not a big deal or anything, my mother is dying. No emotional stress there.

 

At least I've been able to cry and feel, about it. Four years ago I wouldn't have been able to experience those emotions intensely. I know that sometimes the thought of emotional numbness can be appealing, but it's not good, it's awful. And you can't move through things.

 

I think I need to find a therapist to talk to about my mom dying, but I feel like it's so hard to find someone, because I can't compartmentalize, the drugs and withdrawal and the horrific childhood stuff are all part of everything I am today and it's way more than most therapists (especially out here in the boonies where there aren't many anyway) are equipped to deal with. Just feels like such a big job even to find one. Oh well. Will keep you posted. Right now you guys and this thread seem to be my therapist. Hope you don't mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Addax

Hi Rhi.

 

It was so great to read all the wonderful things people wrote about you! You have done so much for so many. Your voice here is important to me. It is a voice of reason, intelligence, and compassion. I'm sorry you've been having such a rough go lately.

 

And now with your mother's illness... My heart hurts for you. This may sound weird, but I am glad to hear you are able to "feel". I know how much not being able to do that can be torture.

 

I think finding a therapist could be a really good thing, and he or she can help you compartmentalize. I understand how it can feel like a big job to find out... Not just finding one, but going. I never liked that part and always felt like it would take forever to tell my story and explain my history. Luckily, the last time I got myself in to see a therapist I was very glad I went. I was also dealing with a similar situation you are now.

 

I'll be looking for your updates!

Share this post


Link to post
dalsaan

Hi Rhi

 

I am generally an optimist. That is usually how I know when I'm having emotional symptoms in withdrawal -that fundamental optimism is dented and I'm in a neuro-rut. Sometimes I will ask myself, what would I say to someone else in this situation, who is reporting the things I'm reporting. This can help with hopelessness and self criticism. We often have a much greater generosity of spirit for others than we do ourselves.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I have been there with my dad and it is incredibly stressful. I do think a therapist is a good idea. I wish I had sought one out. You have good judgement, trust your instincts on the therapist front.

 

I am always happy to 'lend an ear'. (I hope you say that in the states otherwise it will sound really weird)

 

D

Share this post


Link to post
alexjuice

Sounds pretty unbearable. Takes a lot of courage and uncommon perserverance to keep at it. Don't forget that. It's true that you've been through more nastyness in life than most but part is that most would not have been able to endure this much like you have. Amazing survivorship traits and no reason to abandom them now after so far you have journeyed! The best is still to come, I know you know this is true because it has to be, life on massive drugs can not be better than life on less which can not be better than life on none.

 

With the thickness-of-hide and perservance/endurance/refusal-to-giveup skills you now have, who knows what you can do with your life once you are not burdened by the heavy shackles any longer? Sounds like a reason to hang in the fight. And also that Id miss you if you were not here.

 

Alex

Share this post


Link to post
Pokeshaw

I feel for you, Rhi - and lend whatever support I can. i understand how hard it can be to find a therapist, especially when dealing with the complexities of dying parent along with the drug withdrawal and history of abuse. 

We are in your back pocket ~ as you walk this part of your recovery journey.

 

Sending love ~~

 

Poke

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

Just wanted to let you know your support team has another keen member here. I fully agree with what everyone wrote, in particular Alex about you being a survivor. 

 

My father committed suicide 2 and a half years ago (can't believe all that time has passed!). There's another layer to dying a death like that. and it was also complicated by the fact that he was the main perpetrator or rather a transmitter of the abuse in my life together with occasionally but markedly being a supportive and inspiring father. 

 

I've been in therapy since 1997, changed a few therapists and schools of thought and each brought something different. I'm a big believer in talk therapies. For no particular reason. I just believe that we need support when unpacking our pain and confronting it. Until you find somebody you like, we are here for you.

 

big hug 

Share this post


Link to post
mattinsmom

I'm sorry Rhi. Sometimes it feels like the blows are never going to stop. I know you'll be ok (fist bump, survivors -r-us) and I know it will suck in the meantime. I am always more than willing to listen. I am honored to be a part of your journey.  I will hold you in a very sacred space while you find your footing.  

Share this post


Link to post
mattinsmom

Rhi, Rhi, Rhi, Rhiannon, Rhi, Hey, Hey, You, Rhi, Rhiannon, Rhi, Rhi....

 

Hi  :D

Share this post


Link to post
Rhiannon

Aw Amy hi there you! Big ole grin here!

 

I'm having a window today! Well, today, which is tonight, because I'm staying up late to transition my body for working nights next week.

 

But anyway feeling better than I have any right to. Thanks for all the healing energy and for holding me in your sacred space. And for the fist bump. All of it and everything.

 

And everything from everybody. You guys keep me going. There will be more downs, but right this minute tonight I am feeling okay and liking myself okay. Wow.

Share this post


Link to post
dalsaan

Woo hoo, a window - May that be floor to ceiling with a very good view

Share this post


Link to post
WinningThrough

Rhi, I'm so glad you're having a window. I am so very sorry to hear about your mum. Sending a big hug to you and long may your window continue x

Share this post


Link to post
mammaP

It's great that you have a window Rhi, we were all worried about you and rooting for you.

Hope this is a nice long one for you  :)

Share this post


Link to post
trouper

enjoy your window! :)

Share this post


Link to post

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy