☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

[Addax]

Hooray for a window!!

[Pokeshaw]

So glad to hear of your Glorious window!! 

[mattinsmom]

Lovin' that you're having a window. 

[Rhiannon]

Okay, wish me luck, I'm working graveyard shift for the next two weeks starting tonight. 10 pm to 8 am. sheesh can't believe I did that for a year! Although I did get some money into my savings account so I think it was worth it.

 

And it turns out I have a few graveyard shifts scheduled in August too. We're understaffed right now but they just hired somebody who should be done with training by September, so hopefully I won't have so many nights soon.

 

Wish me luck. You'll still be hearing from me, probably at all hours--hello Europe! Hello Australia!

[mattinsmom]

You can do it!!

[Pokeshaw]

Good luck, Rhi!  will be thinking of you.

 

Poke

[Rhiannon]

Well I have survived the first week of it, one more to go, off till Sunday night now but will probably be keeping pretty late hours anyway because switching back and forth is harder than just staying on the late schedule.

 

And the August schedule came out and I have another week of nights in August, yuck! But we just hired somebody new who will be trained by September and she's going to be able to cover nights when needed so hopefully this won't happen again soon. 

 

Having trouble with motivation and being organized. I have so many things I need to do, my to do list is a mile long and I'm so far behind. sheesh.

 

Plus I feel like crap. My body is apparently not nocturnal. Fortunately not having too much WD right now though, I think it's just working-nights-crap-feeling.

[Jemima]

Wishing you lots of strength and wisdom for these ever-so-trying times.

[dalsaan]

are there any easy things on your to do list that you can tick off quickly?   It might at least feel a little bit less daunting if you get some things off the list

 

D

[Rhiannon]

I'm such a dork. Seriously, you'd think I would learn, but no, apparently.

 

I was doing pretty well even with the night shift, feeling pretty good and having improvement from this long hold like I usually do. Even slept eight hours last night (well, last night and all morning). Then once I woke up I wasn't feeling so great and it just kept getting worse, and I could tell it was coming from my gut (my enteric nervous system can be very opinionated and is often the source of some of my worst waves). And I was just, what? What?!? Why is this hitting all of a sudden? I've been eating the diet that usually works well for me, no sugar, limited starches, nothing unusual.

 

Then I remembered: last night I made homemade sauerkraut, or rather started some, using a bacterial inoculant starter that I buy commercially. And I remembered that I ate several pieces of cabbage out of the bowl which were already mixed with the inoculant, last night, and I remember thinking "oh these have that lactobacillus or whatever on them, oh well that's probably good for me, how much harm could it do" and I just ate them anyway.

 

Well apparently my gut is saying "really, you should read the instructions--you're supposed to ferment the cabbage with the stuff, not EAT it."

 

Sigh. Will I ever quit being so impulsive and just trying crazy things? Probably not, I've been like that my whole life. (My tempered and conservative approach to tapering is very much a learned behavior, and learned at heavy expense.)

 

Hopefully my gut biome will get back in balance soon. I'm not worried, it's bacteria that I already have in me, just probably not usually in that kind of numbers/proportion. But sheesh. I don't think I will EVER grow up. I mean, if I was going to, it would have happened by now, wouldn't it?

[Rhiannon]

Oh and yes thank you Dalsaan that's a great idea. I'm breaking up my big overwhelming To Dos into little pieces that I can tackle a bit at a time each day and not feel so overwhelmed by. We'll see if that works.

[bubble]

Dear Rhi,

 

being impulsive and doing "crazy" things in the same way as being playful and carefree doesn't diminish the level of one's maturity for me. On the contrary. If I may add, the only small room for improvement in the growing up department might be becoming less harsh to yourself for little slips. We just can't be automatons and get all things right at all times. Especially when we are so very sensitive to everything. It's just incredible how many things you are doing right.

 

I'm also like that, impulsive and impatient and only the pain of withdrawal managed to modify me in that respect when it comes to tapering. Although I'm still struggling.

 

Your little mistake was actually very useful for me because I've been suffering from bad GI issues for some three months now, reading a lot about GAPS, modifying my otherwise quite healthy diet, etc. So getting a little glimpse into how you are doing this was very interesting for me. Sauerkraut is a part of our national cuisine in winter and my mom makes it for us without using any inoculant (I guess it makes the fermentation process faster?) 

 

great for small chunks

[Jemima]

 

Sigh. Will I ever quit being so impulsive and just trying crazy things? Probably not, I've been like that my whole life. (My tempered and conservative approach to tapering is very much a learned behavior, and learned at heavy expense.)

 

Hopefully my gut biome will get back in balance soon. I'm not worried, it's bacteria that I already have in me, just probably not usually in that kind of numbers/proportion. But sheesh. I don't think I will EVER grow up. I mean, if I was going to, it would have happened by now, wouldn't it?

 

Oh, Rhi, screwing up from time to time is just human nature.  Please don't be so hard on yourself.  I haven't posted a lot of my big stupid mistakes, but believe me they've happened and continue to happen and will no doubt happen again, and here I am, pushing 69 and with a high IQ.

 

Altogether now, 1,2,3...DUH!!!   Now forgive yourself and move on. 

[mattinsmom]

I, personally, believe that growing up is over-rated and do as much as I possibly can to avoid it when possible. And I think you can cut yourself a little bit of slack there. Some of us arrive at our childhoods later than others  

[Rhiannon]

Thanks for all the support. I guess I'm really okay with who I am, even if that does mean being sort of impulsive. It's all part of the package and basically I think what I like about myself outweighs the stuff I sometimes wish was different.

 

Still hanging in there and surviving the night shift, but it's definitely not my favorite. Mostly because of the social limitations. But I'm going camping this weekend! for the first time in many many years! Some people I know are going, I have the weekend off, and I'm just going to do it. It will be hard coming out of the graveyard shift and switching my sleep around suddenly but I'm just going to go for it, I've been wanting to go camping and I don't want to go alone and I don't want to pass up an opportunity.

 

I'm also going to rent a kayak at the park here, they have them for rent on the weekends. I don't mind doing that alone but will send out an email and see if anyone wants to go with me.

 

I feel like crap but I want to have a life dammit! It's been 20 years since I've felt so interested in getting out and doing things and I don't want to wait any longer.

[Rhiannon]

Oh, and I had the runs for about two days and today it seems to be settling down, about like I thought it would...

[bubble]

I want to go with you in a kayak!!!

 

kidding I mean, I'd really love it and you gave me an idea that I must do it some time soon except that concerning your invitation there are some spacial issues

 

Of course we know you are mature and like your bottom line which we here absolutely adore

 

I look forward to reading about impressions from the camping! (hm, there are still a few days before the weekend but one feels a lot nice with such a plan

[mattinsmom]

Check in please.

 

Camping? How did it go?

Night shift? How are you holding up?

Things with your mom? Praying for you and more than willing to listen at any time. 

 

Thinking about you. 

[Rhiannon]

Camping was very good. It was kind of a lame campground, right off the freeway, but good for my first trip in many years, sort of a shakedown--built my confidence but still 20 easy minutes from home in case I needed to get anything. I didn't sleep very well, but I expected that, and for just two nights it was okay. I'm hoping to get one more camping trip in between now and October, if I can find someone to go with me.

 

The best part is that feeling that I'm getting my old self back. I used to love camping, then for the 20 years on the drugs I was just, meh, it's too much trouble. (I was like that about most of my former enthusiasms, especially anything that involved much planning.) It was so fun to be inside a tent again. And I really like my new tent. It's small, just my size, easy to put up. I'm hoping to have some good adventures with it in the future.

 

I also went on a great hike the same weekend and I'm hoping to do more of that. And I think I might start doing a little kayaking too. The hardest part is finding people to go with, because I spend too much time alone as it is. It feels like a constant struggle, organizing a social life. Part of getting back the old me is, I'm not a hermit, I really do best with people around me. But I'm working on that, too, looking at possibilities for shared housing and such.

 

Night shift, well, I survived. I think I've just about caught up with my sleep. Unfortunately I have a few more nights to work this month. The worst thing about nights (after dealing with sleep) is the isolation, which, again, I struggle with all the time anyway. But I got through it and I'll get through it again.

 

I'm okay about my mom. It's a process, I guess. Sometimes the feelings wash over me and I just have to feel them. I still haven't found a therapist, and I know I need to, it's just one more thing on the to do list that already flows down the page and out the door!

 

All in all I would say I'm doing okay. I'm not crazy happy about life or anything, but there are good times, and they're enough to keep going for. And the withdrawal symptoms are mild right now, just some icky mornings and some tummy problems.

 

I've just made a couple more small cuts, bringing the Lamictal down to 56 and the Valium down to 1.66. We'll see how that goes; it should be fine. 

 

Just walking along, doing okay, a little lonely but getting by.

[trouper]

your post resonated with me. it sounds like great steps were made in getting out, enjoying things you once loved and finding yourself again.

i went camping for my first night away from home in over a year last month. i loved the tent, the trees, smells of campfires, hiking.. it was a little too early for me though as i had a few anxiety attacks (anticipatory anxiety), but i did it. did you use an air mattress? they really help. i can't sleep with out them anymore because i wake up with pain in my bones, even before wd.

i too am realizing I'm more of a people person than i originally thought. i'm a bit more introverted, but realize its because i like smaller groups and one on one. all these things i want to do, and i want people to do them with but i don't have the energy yet to make the effort and it's still too daunting when friends ask me to do things. hopefully when i recover more. your post is inspiring to me. i look forward to being where you are in your recovery.

good luck with your taper!

[mattinsmom]

One foot in front of the other. Just keep doing what you're doing. Not as good as it could be and not as bad as it was. Funny the things we learn to settle for. 

 

I'm happy to hear that you went camping. Have you tried "Meet ups" as a way to find people with common interests? I've gone so far as to make an account but haven't gone to anything yet. I have a friend who joined a pottery group and just loves it. She hasn't made any real new friends but she does have a pleasant social experience and ends up with bowls, etc in the end.

[tezza]

Hi Rhi! Thank you for all you do!

 

I'm very glad you were able to get out and enjoy life!

 

You are an inspiration to so many!

 

Higs and love!

[Rhiannon]

Aw, thanks you guys!

 

We don't really have Meetups out here where I live. I actually started a Meetup group a year or so ago and ran it for a while, but only a few people ever showed up and they were already friends of mine.  It was more trouble than just calling around and emailing around my friends when I wanted to do something.

 

There are one or two other groups that people have started but they're not very active (which is to say, nothing scheduled at all, actually). And my work schedule doesn't help--I work evenings, so a lot of the time when there are things happening I can't go anyway. It would definitely be easier if I had evenings off. 

 

I've actually made a lot of friends in the years I've lived here, though. It's just that it takes planning and making arrangements in a way that it didn't in the past when I've had a partner, where you can just say "how about we go camping?" and make it happen. Or not plan anything, just come home and hang out and there's somebody else there. I've spread the word that I'm looking for a cohousing situation though and there are a couple of possibilities that might work out. I think that will help. I have mixed feelings, I really like having my own space, and I have a nice garden here and lots of room and a very short commute to work, which I'll have to give up. But that's life--making choices and taking chances.

 

Things are going well at work right now though. We just got our annual evaluations and mine was very positive. I try not to put too much weight on those because they're completely subjective, they don't actually measure anything concrete, but it does sound like I'm going to get to do some interesting projects in the next year and acquire some skills I've been wanting to work on. 

 

Meh, life, what can you do...

[Rhiannon]

I was just reading back through my thread. It's really cool, actually--I've never had the self-discipline (or whatever it takes) to keep a journal for more than a month or two at a time. It's interesting to read back through. Especially reading the bad spells--that bad one I had last summer for example. Yep, that happened, and it ended. Good to know.

 

Anyway, early in the thread I wrote about a guy at work who was abusive and very triggering for me, and I thought if any of you remember that, I would update: he got fired finally! About, hm, four or five months ago, I guess. Not by my actual bosses, who pretty much let him get away with anything, but he finally did something that caught the attention of someone over their heads. I guess that's what that expression means about giving someone so much rope that they hang themselves. Anyway, he did something ridiculous that pissed off the hospitalist (MD) (because he caused a direct danger to a patient) and she went straight to HR with it and he was outa there.

 

And all the new people who've been hired recently are great. Amazing what a difference it makes, not having to work with any actual abusive assholes. Between that and the new projects I find I'm actually thinking about staying at this job long term. (For sure I'm going to stay till January anyway because by then it will be five years and I'll be fully vested.)

Just wanted to update that in case anyone remembered...

[mlrp]

Hi, Rhi,

 

Just a quick hello. You have been so friendly and generous with your time to me, as I tend to post rather sporadically. Your story is inspiring. I've recently been hit by a wave, but I think I'm starting to come up for air.

 

It's heartening to hear how some of your old self has returned to you. So encouraging. I wish you ever increasing success.

[Athena]

Hi Rhi,

 

I just want to say that I think it's wonderful that you can go back to activities you loved like camping. It gives hope to all of us.

 

I'm glad that your workplace has returned to a nice atmosphere where abusive people are banned. It happened at my last workplace too. I am unable to work right now, but when I go back to work one day, I will make it a sine qua non condition for my workplace to be full of respect for each other.

 

Speaking of respect, I have a great deal of it for you, who are helping so many of us.

 

Thank you,

 

Athena

[mattinsmom]

I just have to do this

 

 

[dalsaan]

That would make a big difference, toxic work environments are very stressful.

 

Lets open up fantasy land - if you could camp anywhere in the world where would it be?

[Rhiannon]

oooooh...Well I have always wanted to see New Zealand. And Hawaii is very nice. And I do absolutely plan if I never travel anywhere else interesting to go back to France at least once before I die.

 

Do I have to pick one?

 

What would yours be?

[mlrp]

Can I play? I'm not a camper, but travel is one of my "former" passions. Right now, for some reason, even contemplating planning a trip to my favorite destinations causes me anxiety. When I can excitedly plan for, and find myself once again joyously exploring any part of the UK or France, or visiting Hungary or Greece for the first time (homes of my paternal grand-parents) then I will KNOW I am well. 

[areyouthere]

I would go with New Zealand.

[arwen]

I would travel to Middle Earth if it was real... The second best would be New Zealand, of course.

 

Hi Rhi, you are an inspiration to me, thank you.

[dalsaan]

I'd love to see New Zealand, many parts of Australia, Alaska, Greece, Italy ...

[Rhiannon]

Aw thanks Arwen!

 

Okay, big SA camping trip to New Zealand it is, once we're all well enough and have saved up enough cash. Then Europe next.

 

I am having the same thing I did a month or so ago, just amazed at how sensitive my body is to very small changes in Valium dose. I shouldn't be surprised I guess, the reason I wasn't able to do the Xanax to Valium bridge at the beginning was because Valium knocked me on my derriere and I had to inch it up in tiny increments to get up to 2 mg. But coming down is even worse. Just 1% drops get my bellybrain all out of whack. And with that, the neuroemotions. The insomnia is troublesome but not as bad at such small drops, but the belly stuff is very challenging.

 

GRRRRR I hate this!

 

And, well, you know, keep walking, it's life, and at least I'm finally tapering Valium, which I haven't made much progress on in the past, because it was such a pisser.

[Addax]

I'm chiming in with a vote for NZ!

 

It is kind of strange how sensitive we have become to these medications. While in a window it's like, " yeah, i feel good, I know my body, I can totally taper faster!"... Nope. I hate that. It reminds me how little I know about what's going on with my nervousness system... Or even what went on. I hate it too.

 

Hooray for tapering Valium, Rhi!

[dalsaan]

I think glamping is a better option for our -stuff you, big pharma- camping trip