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Rhiannon

☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

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Rhiannon

I did get out of the house. I was really late to the service, missed most of it, which was a bummer because it was a really good one led by a cheerful Buddhist monk. BUT I was there for the social time afterwards and got to talk to several people I was really happy to see.

 

I'm in that stage right now where it's hard to feel really connected to people, but I know that creating relationships and community requires showing up consistently, so I'm doing it anyway as an exercise because I know that it's good for me and when I'm feeling better I'll be glad I did it.

 

And it's a holiday today in the US and actually have the day off! I'm working the next two weekends, so going to enjoy this thoroughly.

 

Also, as far as the ongoing saga of my situation at work with the hostile coworker: He has gone to part-time, which means I'll be working with him less often. He's still unfriendly to me but at least he's only passive aggressive now instead of actively attacking. I'm choosing to be kind of a b**ch with him, to point out his screw-ups and keep him on the defensive, because with his psychology it seems to be either that, or he sees me as a potential victim if I'm nice to him.

 

It's weird to be like that because my usual way of dealing with people is to be encouraging and supportive and I feel like I'm an actress playing a part. In a way, though, with my past of actually being a victim of so much violence, it's kind of good for me too, to not be conciliatory to someone who has been abusive to me.

 

Well, I'm rambling on. It's a lovely morning and promising to be a very hot day like yesterday. I have five bags of chicken manure in my car so my three projects today are to get the chicken manure out of my car before it gets too hot, to go for a walk, and to get the dishes washed. Otherwise I think I'll sit and watch the neighbor's cat.

 

And talk to my glia (brain cells) and tell them how wonderful they are and how beautifully they're healing. (I do that from time to time. It's strictly an imagination project but it can't hurt.)

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alexjuice

I did get out of the house. I was really late to the service, missed most of it, which was a bummer because it was a really good one led by a cheerful Buddhist monk. BUT I was there for the social time afterwards and got to talk to several people I was really happy to see.

 

I'm in that stage right now where it's hard to feel really connected to people, but I know that creating relationships and community requires showing up consistently, so I'm doing it anyway as an exercise because I know that it's good for me and when I'm feeling better I'll be glad I did it.

 

Great news! Sounds like a very nice experience. I'm struggling with 'getting out there'. It helps me to hear of you participating.

 

I spent years drifting between groups and, most often, being alone. I developed unfruitful social habits. Today I generally hafta push myself to do the things I think I should do because I don't feel like doing them. Mainly, connecting with others and building supportive, healthy relationships. My past, unfortunately, still has a bit of say in my head and it argues against getting too involved with people.

 

Sometimes I view my situation as if I'm in a political race. I'm a candidate for office and my brain is the opposing candidate. I need a solid base, a group I can count on no matter what, if I want to win. Say I'm the 100% pro-choice candidate. No matter what happens, no matter how much mud my brain tries to sling, I know the pro-choice folks are still gonna vote for me. Thinking of the backstop of the base lets me fight the campaign with less fear. In life, my support network is my base and the bigger the base the better my chances.

 

Woody Allen's old joke was that 90% of life was just showing up, which is often tough for me. Thinking is my great temptation (and I think best alone or alone holding a book), but I really need to be out and doing, interacting with live humans. It sounds like you got out there, against some feelings, and had a really nice time. That makes me happy.

 

Hope you are enjoying your Labor Day vacation... and congrats on your cont'd progress with the taper!

 

Alex.i

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Altostrata

Good to hear your work situation has improved some, Rhi. Sometimes the only way to deal with a bully is to growl back.

 

I'm also struggling with getting out more. Missed the Hemp Expo in Oaksterdam yesterday, sigh. It would have been a lot of fun.

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summer

 

 

I'm also struggling with getting out more.

 

Ditto. Still an ongoing thing for me also.

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Rhiannon

Yeah, I'd say most days getting out the door is the hardest thing I do all day.

 

Alex I tell myself that 90% of life quote all the time. I don't know if it's true, but I tell myself anyway. It does help me get out the door.

 

Sometimes I also tell myself I need to "meet the needs of the organism." The organism being me, a human, a social organism. So it's like making myself get out in the sun a little, and making myself get a little exercise, even just minimally. Even if I don't really feel like it at all I know I will just feel worse if I don't at least minimally meet the biological and psychological needs of the organism that I am.

 

I know it sounds weird, "needs of the organism," but it works for me. (I'm weird. I'm okay with it.)

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Altostrata

LOL, I do something similar.

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Rhiannon

oi, ouch. Having a rough morning. Had a very busy and hectic three days with my daughter who was visiting from New Mexico, running around, lots of driving, lots of eating out. Last night I missed one of my three-hour doses because I was so exhausted I slept for five hours straight (ordinarily a good thing I guess, but missing the meds isn't so great) and woke up feeling full-on panic, hard to breathe, you know the drill. After about an hour I started to calm down but now two hours later and I still feel like crap.

 

I hate this.

 

I want to clean out my car and clean up my house but I feel like I can't move. I feel so stuck. And I can't even reply to posts today, I feel so far away and disconnected and like I don't have anything useful to say.

 

And I know that social stuff, interacting with other people is one of the very best things I can do for myself, and it's also one of the very hardest things to do. Right now it feels like a huge mountain and I can't imagine climbing it. Just to make a phone call for lunch with someone even though I know there are several people who would be happy to get together with me, they have already said so.

 

Hm--something about writing this seems to give me some strength--knowing you guys will read it, that you understand, and that you are rooting for me to get over the hump and do what's best for me.

 

I feel like I always act so cool and on top of things here on this forum but you have no idea how dysfunctional I am in real life.

 

well, anyway. here I am. didn't manage to get back to sleep but maybe I'll get a nap later.

 

Maybe I'll see if I can get out of the house and go for a walk. That might clear my head. Or maybe I'll go back to bed and try to sleep for another hour or two.

 

Yuck. I hate this.

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summer

I feel like I always act so cool and on top of things here on this forum but you have no idea how dysfunctional I am in real life.

You are on top of things, Rhi... today just isn't the greatest day. I always enjoy reading your posts!

 

Sending lots of positive vibes for a good nappy nap. Yikes, did I really say that? :rolleyes:

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Altostrata

You're still doing okay with your online relating, Rhi. Hang in there.

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brighteningup

Hmmm yep those days when you feel really rubbish and unable to motivate yourself are the pits.

 

I often feel a bit worn out after days of being very active (even if these days were really good fun).

 

I think many of us here may have days when we feel seriously dysfunctional, (or at least I know I do! ;)) even though we probably aren't really dysfuncitonal just feeling that way at that moment in time. Maybe this is normal when you're also coping with life that includes suffering.

 

Sometimes you just have to rest and take it easy, that said I made myself go out to something last night and felt much better for it.

 

So hope you have a good sleep, or a good meet up with someone, or whatever is best for you just now.

 

Thinking of you,

 

Bright

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Rhiannon

Got a good night's sleep last night. Still having trouble with feeling totally unmotivated, but I did manage to do some stuff yesterday and I think I will get up soon and go to the gym, and then maybe go for a hike with a friend. I just remembered too that on Sunday and Monday I had a little caffeine (just a couple of decaf latte's but that's enough for me) and I usually get low energy after that too so maybe that's part of it.

 

I'm just so frustrated with the lack-of-motivation problem that we have talked about elsewhere on this forum. Drives me nuts. I can just sit here and stare at the stuff I know I want to do something about but somehow I just can't get up and do it. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!! I usually just tell myself I'm lazy, or crazy, or sick, or dysfunctional, or stupid, or something. But I can't help thinking it's somehow related to my screwed up brain.

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summer

Still having trouble with feeling totally unmotivated, but I did manage to do some stuff yesterday and I think I will get up soon and go to the gym, and then maybe go for a hike with a friend.

 

 

 

***And, you call doing all that being unmotivated?????

 

 

 

 

I usually just tell myself I'm lazy, or crazy, or sick, or dysfunctional, or stupid, or something. But I can't help thinking it's somehow related to my screwed up brain.

 

 

***You're not lazy, crazy, sick, dysfunctional or stupid... and, your brain is just fine! Did you really have to make me type all that??? Now, I'm too exhausted to type this out so ya all can read it easily. :P

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brighteningup

I can just sit here and

stare at the stuff I know I want to do something about but somehow I just can't get up and do it. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!! I usually just tell myself I'm lazy, or crazy, or sick, or dysfunctional, or stupid, or something.

 

I can completely identify with this it is SO FRUSTRATING.

 

Have you tried telling yourself gently that you understand how frustrating this is, and how rough it is to feel this way (or something like this) and then gently persuade yourself to go to the gym, or a hike or just a short walk out the door, whatever will move you on, and just leave the name calling bit out?

 

I know it's not easy to do this especially when you're angry / frustrated with going nowhere, but I'm slowly learning that for me at least, wumping myself with a big stick doesn't help.

 

Hugs ((())) if you want them, or if you're not into hugs a friendly smile :)

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Rhiannon

 

Still having trouble with feeling totally unmotivated, but I did manage to do some stuff yesterday and I think I will get up soon and go to the gym, and then maybe go for a hike with a friend.

 

 

 

***And, you call doing all that being unmotivated?????

 

 

 

 

I usually just tell myself I'm lazy, or crazy, or sick, or dysfunctional, or stupid, or something. But I can't help thinking it's somehow related to my screwed up brain.

 

 

***You're not lazy, crazy, sick, dysfunctional or stupid... and, your brain is just fine! Did you really have to make me type all that??? Now, I'm too exhausted to type this out so ya all can read it easily. :P

 

LOL! :lol:

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Rhiannon

 

I can just sit here and

stare at the stuff I know I want to do something about but somehow I just can't get up and do it. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!! I usually just tell myself I'm lazy, or crazy, or sick, or dysfunctional, or stupid, or something.

 

I can completely identify with this it is SO FRUSTRATING.

 

Have you tried telling yourself gently that you understand how frustrating this is, and how rough it is to feel this way (or something like this) and then gently persuade yourself to go to the gym, or a hike or just a short walk out the door, whatever will move you on, and just leave the name calling bit out?

 

I know it's not easy to do this especially when you're angry / frustrated with going nowhere, but I'm slowly learning that for me at least, wumping myself with a big stick doesn't help.

 

Hugs ((())) if you want them, or if you're not into hugs a friendly smile :)

 

Thanks for the reminder. I need to be reminded of this often. I'm working on it--abusive childhood, those "voices" go back pretty far. So it's always good when people remind me that I don't have to talk to myself that way. Thanks!

 

And-I love hugs! :)

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Rhiannon

Well, I'm finally pulling out of feeling really crappy. I cut too much too fast and had to do a longer hold than usual. (Seems like that's what happens when I try to go fast. I have to hold longer and it ends up not being faster at all. I guess I need to just accept that this is going to take a lot longer than I want it to. )

 

Anyway, thank goodness, I seem to be pulling out of it finally!

 

I wanted to let folks know that from about the middle of October until the end of November I won't be posting because

 

I AM GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL!

 

well, sort of. I'm going to do the NaNoWriMo thing (link below) and write 50,000 words of SOMEthing, hopefully something that at least resembles a coherent storyline.

 

I'm thrilled, actually! Decided the way to find the time to do it is to just stay off the boards for that whole time, since I probably spend 10-15 hours a week on the boards.

 

I'm also considering holding my taper that whole time. I've been tapering 20 months now, and it might be nice to just take a vacation and not even think about tapering for a while.

 

I'll let you know how it goes!

 

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

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Altostrata

Wow! That's fantastic. What a great project.

 

Oh, Rhi, are you sure you can't post a bit here and there? We'll miss you.

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summer

Wow! That's fantastic. What a great project.

 

Oh, Rhi, are you sure you can't post a bit here and there? We'll miss you.

 

 

I agree! You mean you can't find five minutes to spare for your old friends? :huh:

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brighteningup

Rhi,

 

What an inspiring thing to do!!

 

Go enjoy it.

 

Bright

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alexjuice

Wow! That's fantastic. What a great project.

 

Oh, Rhi, are you sure you can't post a bit here and there? We'll miss you.

 

Seconded on all counts.

 

Good luck with the writing, hope to still see ya, even if only on occasion while you're working on this project.

 

Alex

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Dani

 

 

I AM GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL!

 

well, sort of. I'm going to do the NaNoWriMo thing (link below) and write 50,000 words of SOMEthing, hopefully something that at least resembles a coherent storyline.

 

I'm thrilled, actually! Decided the way to find the time to do it is to just stay off the boards for that whole time, since I probably spend 10-15 hours a week on the boards.

 

I'm also considering holding my taper that whole time. I've been tapering 20 months now, and it might be nice to just take a vacation and not even think about tapering for a while.

 

I'll let you know how it goes!

 

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

 

 

 

 

 

Good Luck on writing your NaNoWriMo!!!

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Altostrata

Hey, Rhi! Are you back? How did your writing project go?

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Rhiannon

I'm back! although I'm hoping to spend less time on the boards, and to continue to work on my novel and finish it.

 

I did it, though, made 50,000 words a few days ago! And have the bones of a book.

 

Also: I'm down to 4 mg of Celexa now! Woot!

 

I'm currently at: 4 mg Celexa, 38 mg Neurontin, 120 mg Lamictal, 0.31 mg Xanax, and 1.85 mg Valium. Mostly held my taper during November until recently. Sigh...it felt so good to feel so good...having a bit of cortisol morning crappiness again now.

 

Right now I'm considering trying something new that I haven't done yet in my taper. I think I'm going to find some nice round numbers to hold everything at except the Neurontin and then taper all the way down off the Neurontin while holding everything else. The round numbers are because it's just easier psychologically to hold at round numbers. So I'm thinking of holding at my current 4 of Celexa and 120 of Lamictal, and getting to 0.3 of Xanax and 1.8 of Valium, and then holding those there, while getting down off the last 35 mg or so of Neurontin.

 

Will, of course, as always, be paying very close attention to my symptoms, to see if this works for me. Neurontin has pretty distinctive withdrawal symptoms and so far it seems they are, well, yucky of course, but tolerable, and most important, they do pass fairly quickly and don't come back. Unlike the other meds it's a pretty linear withdrawal pattern. I think it's because it acts on glial cell receptors, not on neuronal receptors, and glial cells have the "machinery" to make rapid adaptations.

 

But anyway. Trying something new. We'll see how it goes.

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Rhiannon

 

Wow! That's fantastic. What a great project.

 

Oh, Rhi, are you sure you can't post a bit here and there? We'll miss you.

 

 

I agree! You mean you can't find five minutes to spare for your old friends? :huh:

 

Well, you know, I did stick my head in a few times.

 

But it's never five minutes! you know that! :-)

once I get here it's always at least an hour...

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Barbarannamated

Can you explain Neurontin being linear? Linear sounds great in contrast to the 'non-linear'

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Altostrata

Rhi, I agree with you. I'd get rid of the Neurontin.

 

Any popping in you might do here is very welcome. Good to see you again.

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Rhiannon

Can you explain Neurontin being linear? Linear sounds great in contrast to the 'non-linear'

 

Well, it's just me using those terms because that's how I think of them, I don't have any pharmacokinetic data or anything like that. I just mean that the symptoms seem to reduce and then go away predictably, and in proportion to how much drug I have cut and how long it's been since I cut it, and once they're gone they don't come back.

 

As compared to benzos and ADs and Lamictal, with which the withdrawal symptoms seem to wax and wane in unpredictable ways for an unpredictable period of time.

 

I mean, technically if you were able to chart it mathematically, it might not actually be linear, it might be logarithmic or something, but at least it's quasi-predictable and not all over the place like the other meds. So sort of a metaphorical "linear."

 

Again, I speculate that this might be because the mode of action (as far as has been determined by "science" (quotation marks due to the fact that real science is not really part of the picture where drugs are concerned)) involves glial cell receptors which I suspect may be more readily plastic than receptors on neurons.

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Barbarannamated

 

Can you explain Neurontin being linear? Linear sounds great in contrast to the 'non-linear'

 

Well, it's just me using those terms because that's how I think of them, I don't have any pharmacokinetic data or anything like that. I just mean that the symptoms seem to reduce and then go away predictably, and in proportion to how much drug I have cut and how long it's been since I cut it, and once they're gone they don't come back.

As compared to benzos and ADs and Lamictal, with which the withdrawal symptoms seem to wax and wane in unpredictable ways for an unpredictable period of time.

I mean, technically if you were able to chart it mathematically, it might not actually be linear, it might be logarithmic or something, but at least it's quasi-predictable and not all over the place like the other meds. So sort of a metaphorical "linear."

Again, I speculate that this might be because the mode of action (as far as has been determined by "science" (quotation marks due to the fact that real science is not really part of the picture where drugs are concerned)) involves glial cell receptors which I suspect may be more readily plastic than receptors on neurons.

 

Thanks, Rhi. Do you see any time in the future when all of the 2nd messenger systems, feedback loops, etc., will be acknowledged and respected?

Naw, silly question.

 

When I think of all of the drugs I've tried and stopped CT over the years.... Scary. The opiates were, in retrospect, the most predictable and easiest to DC. NOT that I'm suggesting anyone go that route.

It *seems* that things perceived to be inocuous are actually the most dangerous because of that perceived safety. Insidious. Stealth. Wolf in sheep's clothing.

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alexjuice

Hey Rhi-

Hope you had a nice holiday season. I hope you are doing well.

 

Your friend,

Alex

:--)

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Rhiannon

Okay, here I go!

 

Started this Neurontin taper at 300 mg in February of 2010. Down to 1 mg a few days ago. Should probably have held longer at 1 mg, but I'm going to give in to my impatience and go for it. I think I'll do okay and if I don't, reinstatement on Neurontin is pretty uncomplicated. May is a mellow month for me, no travel plans or night shifts until Memorial Day weekend, and my daughter's getting married in July so I'd like to be finished with withdrawal and stabilized by then.

 

Which I think I probably will be. We'll see how it goes. This is my first jumpoff and I'm a little nervous. But relieved, too. Send me good vibes...

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Barbarannamated

Good vibes coming from south! You rock, Rhi!!

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Altostrata

Good for you, Rhi! It's a turning point....

 

Looking forward to your Neurontin taper appearing in our success stories.

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Skyler

Okay, here I go!

 

Started this Neurontin taper at 300 mg in February of 2010. Down to 1 mg a few days ago. Should probably have held longer at 1 mg, but I'm going to give in to my impatience and go for it. I think I'll do okay and if I don't, reinstatement on Neurontin is pretty uncomplicated. May is a mellow month for me, no travel plans or night shifts until Memorial Day weekend, and my daughter's getting married in July so I'd like to be finished with withdrawal and stabilized by then.

 

Which I think I probably will be. We'll see how it goes. This is my first jumpoff and I'm a little nervous. But relieved, too. Send me good vibes...

 

Alright.. and thanks for your support for my two drug diazepam/lyrica taper. Doing Lyrica for now.. hoping my ears will stop ringing. The pharmacist thinks the tinnitus is a side effect from Lryica.. guess I'll find out.

 

You have worked very hard to get where you are.. My bet is you will do just fine. Will be looking for your updates.

 

PS.. I'm reading your the post you have up about GABA/glutamate, etc. Very interesting. Thank you!

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alexjuice

Good luck, Rhi...

 

Big step. Think positively and remember you know just what to do in case of complication.

 

You're gonna be okay.

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bubbles

How exciting Rhi!

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Jemima

The very, very best of luck!

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