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Rhiannon

☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

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Giulietta

Hello @Rhiannon

 

Thinking of you and how strong a person you are to have pullled yourself up - purchased a home - have been working in an advancing job - and are now thiking of a new and different future for yourself. This takese great courage for peole who have not gone through WD.

 

Giulietta

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Rhiannon
On 11/29/2019 at 10:52 AM, Pokeshaw said:

Hello Rhi!  

 

Saw your post and wanted to send my regards and support. Like many others here I have so much identification around the stress issue. I completely understand your reasoning. Makes perfect sense to me!  I have a feeling you are being guided along the way!

 

Take good care!

Pokeshaw

Pokey so great to see you again! Wow you are down to 0.1 mg, awesome! Looks like it's being frustrating to get below that, but honestly at such a low dose the drug is doing so little harm, don't make yourself crazy over it. Congratulations!

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Rhiannon
On 11/30/2019 at 6:08 AM, Guilietta said:

Hello @Rhiannon

 

Thinking of you and how strong a person you are to have pullled yourself up - purchased a home - have been working in an advancing job - and are now thiking of a new and different future for yourself. This takese great courage for peole who have not gone through WD.

 

Giulietta

Thank you G. I tend to feel so weak, compared to what I was able to do in the past. I've had a lot of adventures, although they have mostly been around survival so I don't have a lot to show for them. But--weakness has its gifts and lessons too, and I am trying to surrender and learn and keep growing.

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Rhiannon
On 11/29/2019 at 10:13 AM, intothewoods said:

 

@Rhiannon, I was happy to read this as massage therapists are some of the most centered, contented people I know. The profession is so focused on enhancing well-being and using our natural resources to heal and thrive -- you know all this. I think it's super-perfect that you would segue into massage more as you are able with the job benefits, etc. I love massage and was privileged to write about some spa areas, including Calistoga and Mendocino (not that far from you?), and remember floating through the days. 

 

You asked about my mom on my thread, if she is on the site, but I'll answer here quickly because like you, I've set limits on screen time and on sites that tend to trigger me. If you want, send me a pm so we can keep in touch. My research is coming along thanks in no small part to your help and my mom's. Although she's not on the site, she stays on top of things (she is an RN and chose to work in brain surgery ...!) and is a powerful force for healing. 

 

Take Care, Rhi.

 

Catherine 

 

 

If I send you a PM here will you be able to read it if you have screen limits?

 

Your mom sounds awesome! 

Thanks as always for your support, Catherine.

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Rhiannon
On 11/28/2019 at 2:40 AM, Erell said:

Hi dear Rhiannon, 

 

I was thinking of you today and wondered how you are doing ?

Are you still doing extra-hours at work ?

 

Do you still plan on holding on your doses for a couple of months ?

 

Plein de bisous !

We are back to normal hours at work, fortunately. This past weekend I had a short vacation and went to visit my daughter--the one who lives further away and is not the mother of the grandbaby, so I don't see her as regularly. It was so sweet. I love nothing in life more than my daughters and granddaughter.

 

I am doing pretty well. The health issues continue and have not gone away or improved much, unfortunately. 

 

I am tapering valium slowly still but holding everything else right now and I am actually contemplating holding up to six months.

 

Bisous to you too!

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Giulietta
5 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

I tend to feel so weak, compared to what I was able to do in the past. I've had a lot of adventures,

 

Thank you for sharing, Rhi. I am sorry you feel this way. I understand and feel the same - often depending on what kind of day it is in WD - whether physical or emotional symptoms. Imagine that 'feel' and 'compared to waht I was used to' is something other people feel about themselves. They haven't been through what you or I have (or others here). 

 

I never thought I would be 57 and living with my parents after the promise and accomplishment of years past.

 

It is hard to leave the past behind us and live in the present and accept where we are. Bad things happen to good people. I wonder how much of these feelings of self-sabotage and self-deprecation are in our heads - and that turning negative emotions and feelings into positive ones will help us not compare ourselves - but nurture and love ourselves for what we have done.  

 

I was glad to see / and I am glad to know...you are so fortunate...and I know they cherish you.

5 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

I love nothing in life more than my daughters and granddaughter.

 

Hugs,

G.

 

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intothewoods
7 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

If I send you a PM here will you be able to read it if you have screen limits?

 

Yes, no problem. Thanks, Rhi. 

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Erell

Hi my dear,

 

Thank you for your kind supportive words on my thread, they are sometimes so much needed 😙

 

Glad To read that you are back To your normal work hours!

And that you've spent time with your family 🤗 You seem To be surrounded by great girls ! 😄

 

Bisous 🤗

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Rhiannon

Well, the news -- I talked to our director about moving back to the bench (out of the admin position) and we're going to look at making the transition in January or February. She says it's up to me. We have someone new who would be great at the admin job and is kind of champing at the bit to get more of a challenge out of the job, I think she'll be perfect, and unlike when I started the position there should be time to give her plenty of training so she can hit the ground running. So I'm going through feelings about that, a little grieving, a lot of relief.

 

Also I have a nerd thing I'm excited about, I just ordered a new pipettor for getting to those low doses of citalopram and xanax that I'm on  now. It's the kind of pipettor we use in the lab, super easy to use and you can dial in the numbers you want and it goes down to 100 microliters. So excited! Yes I am such a nerd! Also getting a 100 mL graduated cylinder for making those higher dilutions. Hey, might as well have fun with it, right? This will make it easy to get down to teeeeeeeny doses before I step off, which I think is what my body needs.

 

I'm actually feeling pretty good today, after a few weeks of struggling with a lot of body/gut/cortisol issues. Yay, that's always nice! I think even though I'm sad about what I will be giving up with the job (especially the lovely lovely money), I am feeling so much relief in my body that I know it's the right move for me.

 

Anyway, onward!

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drugged
2 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

Well, the news -- I talked to our director about moving back to the bench (out of the admin position) and we're going to look at making the transition in January or February. She says it's up to me. We have someone new who would be great at the admin job and is kind of champing at the bit to get more of a challenge out of the job, I think she'll be perfect, and unlike when I started the position there should be time to give her plenty of training so she can hit the ground running. So I'm going through feelings about that, a little grieving, a lot of relief.

 

Also I have a nerd thing I'm excited about, I just ordered a new pipettor for getting to those low doses of citalopram and xanax that I'm on  now. It's the kind of pipettor we use in the lab, super easy to use and you can dial in the numbers you want and it goes down to 100 microliters. So excited! Yes I am such a nerd! Also getting a 100 mL graduated cylinder for making those higher dilutions. Hey, might as well have fun with it, right? This will make it easy to get down to teeeeeeeny doses before I step off, which I think is what my body needs.

 

I'm actually feeling pretty good today, after a few weeks of struggling with a lot of body/gut/cortisol issues. Yay, that's always nice! I think even though I'm sad about what I will be giving up with the job (especially the lovely lovely money), I am feeling so much relief in my body that I know it's the right move for me.

 

Anyway, onward!

Where are you getting the dial in micro pipette?  

A drugged nerd wants to know ...

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Giulietta
3 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

Well, the news -- I talked to our director about moving back to the bench (out of the admin position) and we're going to look at making the transition in January or February.

 

This is great news! Your supervisor is amenable to it and you have a successor. I am very pleased for you. And what an enormous relief.

 

3 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

though I'm sad about what I will be giving up with the job (especially the lovely lovely money), I am feeling so much relief in my body that I know it's the right move for me.

 

 Your time and health (a finite resource) is more valuable than their money.  ;)  As you say - we live day by day.

 

 

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Pokeshaw
On 12/3/2019 at 1:31 PM, Rhiannon said:

Pokey so great to see you again! Wow you are down to 0.1 mg, awesome! Looks like it's being frustrating to get below that, but honestly at such a low dose the drug is doing so little harm, don't make yourself crazy over it. Congratulations!

Thanks, Rhi!  

Good luck with your upcoming transition!

Poke

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bubbles

Sounds like good things ahead!

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ShiningLight

Rhi, applauding your decision and so happy you are being rewarded with relief! I'm going to look for the pipette as well.

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Erell

Thinking of you dear Rhi ❤️

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Rhiannon

Hi everyone--

 

I just used my new pipette today for the first time. I love it, it's going to make those tiny dosages so much easier to measure out.

 

I've been very busy, as usual. I seem to have mostly recovered from my little withdrawal incident in August. Still struggling with the usual health issues, mostly thyroid and gut issues, some sleep problems intermittently. But it's all the regular stuff, back to my baseline. So I'm ramping up my activities a bit.

 

Anyway just wanted to drop in and say hi to folks. Your support has meant everything to me, over and over again. Thank you all.

 

--Rhiannon

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Giulietta

Hello Rhiannon,

 

I wish you holidays filled with peace and joy and thanks for your ongoing support of me throughout this adventure. You are an important role model - certainly for me.

 

I am glad you are back to baseline and that your sleep has improved.

 

Thinking of you.

Guilietta

 

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Erell

Wish you a delightful year of quiet healing ❤

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Rhiannon

Hello, thanks for the good New Year's wishes.

 

I'm struggling a bit right now with afternoon fatigue, gut issues, the usual. I also have a bit of a sinus infection right now. I have taken a couple of days off work and may take one more if I can override the guilty feelings to do that.

 

I'm also just struggling with feeling discouraged. It was ten years ago I got this job, moved up here from New Mexico, and started my tapering. Two years before that I was just getting out of the hospital, loaded up on new meds, after a suicide attempt which happened when I was once again trying to get off of Wellbutrin by alternating doses and experimenting with alternating doses with Effexor. (I know, I know, crazy! but I really didn't understand the power of these drugs yet at that time, I still thought of them as something that just affected you while it was in your bloodstream and I thought you could just take them like aspirin.) I had spent all my savings, lost my house, ended up moving in with some friends for a few months. It was a scary time, although I was on so many drugs I wasn't really very in touch with my emotions. 

 

I guess I'm having anniversary review feelings today. I'm finding myself thinking a lot about the past, about my hopes and expectations at that time. At the time my goal was just to get off meds and hold on to my job. I have mostly accomplished the former, although not as much as I would like, and I have definitely managed the latter. But I had dreams of maybe finding a love relationship, maybe managing to find a job in Portland closer to my daughter, having a brighter and happier and less lonely life than the reality that I have today.

 

It's not terrible. I'm just finding myself reflecting a lot, and also working on accepting that I am probably not ever going to be the strong amazing 100% healed self-actualized goddess that I would like to be. I have friends who care for me deeply, my kids are only about 90 minutes away, I have managed to save some money in my 401K (not much, but I started with less than zero, so anything is an improvement). I have my little mobile home, a safe place to live. My health could be better but it could be a lot worse too. My job still appreciates me and wants me to stick around. 

 

I mean, it's not terrible, and it's not my dreams come true. It's just--okay. Is okay enough? Can I let it be enough? Surely I can. Right?

 

Ah, I'm rambling. Well I guess I needed to. 

 

I'm going to put on a podcast and go for a walk, haven't been out of the house since day before yesterday and it's starting to get dark. 

 

Thank you all for being here and being so generous with your caring and support. Best wishes to everyone in the new year!

 

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ShiningLight

These feelings sound so familiar. Don't forget, you've come so far, Rhi! And you've helped a lot of people along the way. That means something. It's important.

 

And yes, the sadness is real too. I feel a similar sense of sadness and melancholy about my journey. I also believe your hopes for the future are still possible. 

 

What is that quote from Mother Teresa about doing small things in great ways? ❤

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Erell
On 1/10/2020 at 1:02 AM, Rhiannon said:

I'm finding myself thinking a lot about the past, about my hopes and expectations at that time.

How I understand your thoughts ! I had so different expectations for my life too. It didn't go as planned, right?

 

But, what can we change in the past? Nothing. It is a terribly sad thought, but also an invitation to stop looking at it.

Have you ever read Tara Brach's work about acceptance?

I can't say I'm good at it, and <i still have a lot of work to do on acceptance, but I think it may be a powerfull key for us.

 

Thinking of you, and giving you big hugs ❤️

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JackieDecides
On 1/9/2020 at 4:02 PM, Rhiannon said:

I had spent all my savings, lost my house, ended up moving in with some friends for a few months.

 

since I am now in a bad place financially, I find it encouraging that you started somewhere bad but now you are able to own a home again. ❤️ 

 

On 12/5/2019 at 11:04 AM, Rhiannon said:

I think even though I'm sad about what I will be giving up with the job (especially the lovely lovely money)

what Guilietta said is right, of course, and you must know that to have taken this step down.  has it already happened? is it a relief? 

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Rhiannon

 

On 1/10/2020 at 7:02 AM, ShiningLight said:

These feelings sound so familiar. Don't forget, you've come so far, Rhi! And you've helped a lot of people along the way. That means something. It's important.

 

And yes, the sadness is real too. I feel a similar sense of sadness and melancholy about my journey. I also believe your hopes for the future are still possible. 

 

What is that quote from Mother Teresa about doing small things in great ways? ❤

Found this:“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

Thank you. That's a good one.

It's good to be reminded that the future is still out there, too.  Who knows what might happen still. I don't want to think about it too much though because then I go to "fear" places, when I probably should try to focus on hope and possibilities. I've been really struggling with fatigue lately and it makes it hard to feel like I will ever have the energy to make good things happen. Hopefully it will pass, I've had bouts of fatigue like this before and they got better. Sigh.

 

On 1/11/2020 at 9:03 AM, Erell said:

How I understand your thoughts ! I had so different expectations for my life too. It didn't go as planned, right?

 

But, what can we change in the past? Nothing. It is a terribly sad thought, but also an invitation to stop looking at it.

Have you ever read Tara Brach's work about acceptance?

I can't say I'm good at it, and <i still have a lot of work to do on acceptance, but I think it may be a powerfull key for us.

 

Thinking of you, and giving you big hugs ❤️

 I have heard of Tara Brach, will check that out. Thank you for the support and hugs Erell.

2 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

 

since I am now in a bad place financially, I find it encouraging that you started somewhere bad but now you are able to own a home again. ❤️ 

 

what Guilietta said is right, of course, and you must know that to have taken this step down.  has it already happened? is it a relief? 

 

I think you have reason to be encouraged. I mean my little trailer house isn't anything much but starting from where I started from I'm pleased.

 

I haven't done the job switch back yet because I'm waiting till all our new hires are trained and in place on their shifts that they're supposed to stay on. Once we're all staffed up I think it will be easier to train my replacement. I need to have a meeting with her and the director too. I go back and forth about it still but keep coming back to the health issues--- it's been scary and hard to be declining like this and if having a little less stress will help I think it's probably important to go for it.

 

Speaking of which, people seem to be coming in to the ER, I'd better get back to work...

 

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ShiningLight

Rhi, I hear you about the fatigue. I struggle with it too. Hang in there. I'm glad relief in the form of a hopefully easier job is on its way!

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Giulietta

Dear  friends - @Rhiannon @ShiningLight @JackieDecides @Erell

 

I hope tagging everyone gets my words to them in case they want to read this (foremost for Rhi)

 

On 1/12/2020 at 7:11 PM, Rhiannon said:

Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

 

So true. It is about finding meaning in our work - not necessarily finding what we think is 'meaningful' work. 

 

We each have a different path - Accepting our path and forgiving ourselves and others who put us on this path is somethign I  struggle with (and forgiveness is divine as is said). As long as I don't get caught up in the 'what if' , 'only if' game , comparison, disappointment, mourning for my past, I do better.  I forget everyone else's business - and what they accomplished (or maybe their lives didn't turn out how they wanted) - it is wasted time and energy.

 

The road diverged in the wood (Robert Frost) so to speak. Now we have a new path to move down.

 

Look at our accomplishments and what are love and are proud of about ourselves.

 

Having positive expectations for our life - reasonable goals - is something that also helps. Think, I am going to find a way to do 'x' or 'how can I do to achieve x' - after determing x is what you really want.

 

Even though we began  our journeys with different 'goals' or 'hopes' in mind and others had for us (which doesn't  matter even though it is something I wrestle with - especiallky when reminded by others close to me) - for reasons beyond our control . Accepting our paths and  forgiving those who caused our negative feelings and beliefs is part of my challenge. Even if I don't like my path much of the time -  positive expectations helps move me forward. It is not easy but I think possible. ;)

 

And Rhi, I couldn't move along without you. I think you are a leader in the #1 (I think #1 - please correct if wrong!) board for those surviving ADs on the world-wide web. WOW.

 

Hugs and love and gratitude to you

Giuilietta

 

p.s. sorry Rhi about the length of this and if i moved off topic...i thought it was tied in ...

 

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Rhiannon

Just checking back in...it's been a bit rough on and off lately. I got sick and was using cold medication (NyQuil) for a few nights to keep from coughing and then as I have been very slowly recovering from being sick I have been struggling with insomnia anew. I wonder if it's an after effect of the cold medication. I had also stepped down a bit more on my diazepam, finally down to just 1 mg and determined not to updose again, but these cortisol mornings are rough. I just feel like I will never get my life back completely. 

 

Ah well, life goes on. One day at a time.

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Erell

Dear Rhi, 

 

I'm sorry this month isn't going like you would.

I wish I could eradicate those symptoms you have !

 

Anyway, just wanted To give you my hugs and support ❤

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JackieDecides

I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling from getting sick. I hate insomnia. 🙁

 

20 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

I just feel like I will never get my life back completely.

 

I feel like that, too, but objectively it's probably not true.  but feelings aren't objective! 

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Rhiannon

Doing better. Three nights in a row of at least seven hours of pretty good sleep, and yesterday I got out for a 45 minute walk. I guess I'm going to make it... 🙂

 

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JackieDecides
8 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

Doing better. Three nights in a row of at least seven hours of pretty good sleep, and yesterday I got out for a 45 minute walk. I guess I'm going to make it... 🙂

 

 

wow, nice! 

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PerAsperaAdAstra

Sure you are going to make it! You've travelled a long road and are still doing it. *bam* 

 

When are you going to jump Xanax if I may ask? 

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Pokeshaw

Hope you continue to feel better, Rhi! 

Sending my best from Brooklyn!

 

Poke

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Erell

Hey Rhiannon, 

Comment vas tu ?

Thinking of you ☀️

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