☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

[mattinsmom]

Thank you.

What's this 'decent sex' stuff you mention? I don't believe I have any experience with that 

[Rhiannon]

Thank you.

What's this 'decent sex' stuff you mention? I don't believe I have any experience with that 

 

LOL! What's this "sex" stuff all the young kids are talking about these days? I seem to have a vague memory, but it's been so long...

[Rhiannon]

I was at the grocery store just now and saw a book by the checkout counter, with the title Each Day Do One Thing That Scares You, or something like that. And I thought "well that's a low bar, by the time I get out of bed every morning I've already done that."

 

And I thought you guys might appreciate it. Most people would think I was joking or exaggerating. I think y'all get it.

 

Having some rough days still from this last bout. Hanging in there. I can't believe I get this much withdrawal going so slowly. But oh well.

[mammaP]

I was at the grocery store just now and saw a book by the checkout counter, with the title Each Day Do One Thing That Scares You, or something like that. And I thought "well that's a low bar, by the time I get out of bed every morning I've already done that."

 

And I thought you guys might appreciate it. Most people would think I was joking or exaggerating. I think y'all get it.

 

Having some rough days still from this last bout. Hanging in there. I can't believe I get this much withdrawal going so slowly. But oh well.

I know exactly what you mean Rhi! Doing just one thing each day that scares me would be like a holiday in paradise! 

[mattinsmom]

Ok, I honestly laughed out loud.

[Rhiannon]

I'm feeling pretty excited--I'm just barely above 1 mg of Celexa now! It's so frustrating, when I get close to those "milestone" numbers I always want to cut too fast.  But I just did that with my Lamictal (went straight from 62 to 60, where I plan to hold for a few months with that drug) and I know I need to be careful.  I really really really want to just go straight down to 1 mg dangit!

 

Next month. My birthday's in April and being down to 1 mg is going to be my birthday present to myself.

 

There's been another shift for me lately which I think is due to being on such low doses of the Celexa and Xanax now (1 mg and 0.13 mg respectively). I'm feeling emotions more intensely but moving through them faster. I sort of hate it, since I'm not used to it, feeling disappointment and sadness and stuff like that so intensely. It hurts. OUCH!

 

But then it seems like if I just feel it for a while, or sometimes even cry (oh yeah I'm crying more easily, sometimes annoyingly so, but that's definitely a good thing too)--anyway, it seems like I just have to go with the flow of the emotion while I'm feeling it, just roll with it, like whitewater rafting it, but then it passes and kind of gets "digested" or something and I seem to move into a better space.

 

I remember Gia writing about something like that several years ago--do you remember that Gia? I think it was when your dog was ill or went blind, or something? that you felt it so intensely and then moved through it faster? I have thought about that a lot lately because it seems like that's happening for me more now.

 

Also some interesting things happening with processing stuff related to childhood abuse, which I worked through during the years on the meds, did a lot of recapturing of memory and a lot of processing in therapy, but it feels like there's a layer of it, or a depth of it, or something, that I didn't reach then. So material is coming back up now and it's intense when it does but again, it processes through pretty fast and brings a deeper level of healing.

 

Also experiencing more strongly my feelings for other people, my ability to connect with and appreciate people, and to bond with people. And to feel love and appreciation for people. And people seem to be talking to me and seem to actually like me. Someone told me I have good people skills the other day! Interesting.

 

Looking forward to getting my creativity and imagination back, still haven't felt a lot of movement forward in that area, except when I imbibe a small amount of a newly-legal-across-the-river substance. Which is okay, I guess, but I want it back for realsies.

[Rhiannon]

I love love lurrve this poem so I posted it again, in the Off Topic area.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5896-the-thing-is-by-ellen-bassagain/

[bubble]

Wow Rhi, I had no idea you had your own thread! So nice to read you, any see that even "mighty Rhi" has problems with keeping things slow

 

(I apologise for turning you into a guru-like figure but I'm afraid you have become very important authority for me

 

Accidentally, at the momement I'm experiencing a lot of what you are describing, in particular this: I'm feeling emotions more intensely but moving through them faster. 

 

I'm just ranting everywhere on this forum how 6 days ago a got turned down after competing for a job for 18 months and sucessfully passing all the tests till the very last one where it seems my CV was found lacking for that particular post (the fact that they would look into my CV at the very end of the 18 month of testing is just a tiny part of the insanity of that procedure).

 

Anyway, I allowed myself to intensely feel anger, disappointment, loss, shock of lost opportunity that was so close... But a few days later, I've moved away. I thought that hearing that kind of news would crash me completely. Never have I put so much effort into something and got so little in return, I've been very successful in at least 95 % of my endeavours.

 

So I'm totally shocked that the much-feared meltdown didn't happen! On the contrary, I'm thinking they might have done me a favour because although well-paid for my circumstances the job was not only boring but stressful at the same time, with very long hours which would be devastating for my condition and tapering plans.

 

My financial problems are still there but I  began thinking that job was not the only way of addressing them and that I just have to move on. However simple it my sound, only a few years ago I wouldn't have been able to think and feel like this!

 

I hope it's not too much of a burden to you, but to me you are one of the most inspiring people here and I feel so happy to have "met" all of you

 

I feel your creativity and imagination already through your posts here and know there is still so much waiting to finally come out... and yesssss: people like you a lot!

 

(I also have this experience of going numb and withdrawn and losing the ability to interact with people while my nature is actually very warm and when I'm myself people like me too . Being insensitive is such a painful part of my condition...

 

lots of love,

 

bubble

[Nikki]

Rhi congratulations.  Long but successful haul.  Feeling emotions and moving thru the angst faster.  That is a blessing.  I felt things on meds, they helped me from falling in a pit.  However when I look back on Celexa it did create a bit of what you are saying and since getting off of it, I crashed in that respect.

 

You have a positive outlook which is the way to go.  It helps in all areas of life.

 

Continued success and thanks for being the voice of reason for so many of us

[Rhiannon]

Bubble you can turn me into a guru as far as figuring out some things about psych meds and what they do to our brains, because I think I might be smart about that and I'm very impatient with the arrogance and stupidity of "$cientists" about it.

 

I also think I know a lot about healing from severe childhood abuse and PTSD and living with the consequences of that.

 

But in all other areas of life I am pretty much a dork. And patience is way easier to advise to others than it is to practice for myself! Self-discipline in general, not my long suit.

 

I'm glad I'm inspiring. I have gained so much benefit from being inspired by others in my life, if I can pass a long a bit of it, that's great. You inspire me too.

[Rhiannon]

Rhi congratulations.  Long but successful haul.  Feeling emotions and moving thru the angst faster.  That is a blessing.  I felt things on meds, they helped me from falling in a pit.  However when I look back on Celexa it did create a bit of what you are saying and since getting off of it, I crashed in that respect.

 

You have a positive outlook which is the way to go.  It helps in all areas of life.

 

Continued success and thanks for being the voice of reason for so many of us

Thanks Nikki!

[mattinsmom]

I'll check back tomorrow but have noticed that you've been posting.

Fist bump to my dorky friend.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am glad you are posting again too, Rhi!

[Altostrata]

Congratulations, Rhi. The end of a long haul is in sight!

[Rhiannon]

Long haul indeed. Feels like I'm still far from the end. But I do think there's a good chance I'll be off both the Xanax and the Celexa by the end of 2015. The Lamictal is going to take a while. I have no idea why, but it's definitely the slowest going, percentage wise. I cut 2 mg four or five or six days ago, something like that, and day before yesterday there I was with the headaches and the puking and the incredible deep fatigue again. Fortunately it seems to be getting better already (which it has in the past as well). The emotional changes will probably take a bit longer to smooth out, if the past is anything to go by. Anyway, at 1-2 mg a month, it's going to be a while yet.

 

But I'm so grateful to be down so low on the SSRI, successfully and without too much inner torment. Four years to come down 9 mg, probably a record.

 

I just applied for a job in another town and just tonight got an email about it--they want me to schedule a phone interview! Yikes! Guess I'll be holding my dosages for a while. If I have to move and start a new job I don't want to be tapering during that. Scary! Hopefully I'll do okay. You guys will hear all about it, trust me.

[dalsaan]

Good luck Rhi, will cross my fingers and toes for you

[bubble]

I look forward to hearing about it very much!

 

(I was in the inhuman job competition that lasted for 18 months, involved numerous tests which I all passed but waited for 3 months to be invited for the interview nad then waited for 3 months to be told my CV doesn't match their requirements).

 

Had to postpone my next cut to deal with the news although I should actually be greatful because for all its money, the job was awfully boring and at the same time stresful so not only would I not be able to taper but would risk a serious burn out...

 

so whatever happens, you win

[Rhiannon]

Well, yikes, I just had my phone interview and at the end she invited me to do an on site interview. It's pretty much terrifying because it's a huge step up in size, volume, speed and required skills from where I've been working. Which is really appealing--I feel like I've just been skating here at this tiny hospital, and that's been good for tapering, keeping the stress down, but not really moving me forward in life.

 

But also really scary, because I would have a lot to learn, I'd be pedaling fast for the first year or two trying to keep up and learn a lot of new stuff, it would be very challenging, much more stressful than what I've been doing, and I'm not as confident as I'd like to be that I could actually do it. What if I failed, what if I wasn't good enough or fast enough, what if it's too stressful?

I think I'd have to just flat hold my taper for a while. That would probably be do-able though. 

 

Wow. Well. I'm going to have to think about this. Although I expect they have more reservations about me (with my very limited experience relative to what they require) than I do about them. And this part here, the waiting, the not knowing...do I hope? do I plan? How do I live with this limbo? I've never been good at that. And also if they don't decide to hire me--they're a huge place, I'm sure they have dozens of applicants and I doubt I'm the best one, will I be able to deal with that disappointment and rejection?

 

sigh. Life. 

 

Maybe I'll put in another application somewhere else tonight, there's an opening with another big hospital that I noticed the other day. That might take my mind and pressure off worrying about this one so much.

[mattinsmom]

Yay for your progress. I'm doin' a happy dance for you!!!

 

And I can't wait to hear about the job interview!

[Skyler]

Wow Rhi.. You go girl. Whether they hire you at the place you describe (and they will if they know what is best for them!), or whether you find another new 'home' you are reclaiming your life.. and it will only get better. Awright.. will be watching to hear how it goes. Sleep well tonite Mon Ami.. you have earned some serious "be good to you time."

[dalsaan]

I'd take it as affirmation that they invited you for a second interview. They obviously saw strengths in you. Even if someone ends up as their preferred candidate, it's still a positive to take forward. Between now and the next one i recommend you rehearse all the things you bring to the position. If they offer you the job, then you have a decision to make.

 

Good luck

 

D

[Utahgal]

Good luck Rhi! That is exciting!

[tezza]

That's great, Rhi! Fingers crossed!!!

[bubble]

I was in a very similar situation: got rejected in the end (after waiting for 3 months), no explanations

 

was very scared of how I would take the disappointment and I was angry, upset, hurt, then angry some more at the absurdity of the procedure. After two days I was thankful to be spared a lousy job which I applied for just because of a lot bigger salary.

 

I moved on so quickly that I was shocked with my own reaction. I didn't feel it as my failure. I'm still a great professional and it is their loss, it's just that my CV wasn't right for their purposes.

 

I applied for a new post and started looking at the opportunities to emigrate to Australia (seriously).

 

It all made me a bit 'high' but I've changed life-long patterns of reacting to failure. That's the most important victory. No money can pay for this. 

 

I hope you feel the same no matter what happens. I enjoy staying at this job where I can function with ease after 5 years since it gives me the opportunity to taper. So whatever happens, I win Whatever happens, you win ))

[Rhiannon]

Yes, that's a good point. A new job with new challenges and a big move would be exciting and stimulating--which is good, but also not so good in withdrawal and while trying to taper. Being here where I have great job security (it's hard to find people who want to work in these rural areas) and the job is usually low stress, has made it possible for me to taper and still function in life. So you're right, there are wins and losses either way. I will try to remember that, rather than taking it as some kind of a vote on whether or not I'm a good enough person.

[Rhiannon]

GRRRRRR

 

I need to vent GRRRRR!

 

Okay, not really that big a deal, but annoying. I called in my refill on Valium on Friday and since I hadn't heard back from the pharmacy, I called them today. They said they hadn't heard from my doctor. I called the doctor's office, they said they had called it in late yesterday and the person who answered the phone said she couldn't call the pharmacy herself, the doctor would have to. I called back the pharmacy and yada yada. I called back the doctor and yada yada. Hopefully I made enough of an impression on them that they'll get their s*** together and get me a refill. I'm down to my last diazepam tablet on this refill. Of course, knowing that this kind of crap happens all the time, I have a few extra I have held back in the past for this kind of occasion, so I'm not desperate, but I am just so angry.

 

Because the reason I have to go through this crap every single month is because it's a controlled substance so they can't give me automatic refills. So I get treated like a drug abuser, an unreliable bad person, every single month. Drug seeking. Because of an addiction I never wanted. I have never once in four years on this stuff asked for more than my prescription. I would LOVE to not have to take the stuff.

 

Why the hell do they even prescribe these drugs if they are going to treat me like a criminal every time I want to get an effing refill?!?!?!!  I hate this crap.

 

And because doctors have such a problem with believing urban legends (I swear, in the medical profession, once something becomes a "fact" you can't EVER get rid of it, like "chemical imbalance" and "you have to take your antibiotics for ten days or the bugs will develop resistance") they have decided that Valium is somehow super evil and anyone who takes it at ALL or wants it is a drug addict.

 

GRRRRRRR!!!!!

 

Okay, I'm done. Just had to vent. I think one of the things I hate most about these drugs is that they hold me hostage like this all the time. Hostage to the good will of people who know way less than I do and are way less responsible than I am about the prescribing and usage of the damn things.

[Skyler]

Sorry to hear of the hassle Rhi. I do commiserate, not from my own diazepam refill exp., but from an issue I ran into last year when getting Lyrica refilled. The pharmacy had the script, but somehow looked in the wrong database, so said they did not. It was the day after I broke my arm, and I had a ride.. the person who brought me was standing next to me in the pharmacy. By the time the pharmacist finished raking me over the coals for insisting the script still had valid refills, while he insisted there was none, that he could not possibly advance any extras as it is a CONTROLLED substance, and surely I did not want to run afoul of the law (or whatever), my ride must have thought I was a druggie. Course, the next day, when the pharmacist found he was in error, my driver was not there... sigh.

[Barbarannamated]

Sorry you're having pharmacy issues, Rhi.

Add opiates to that mix and really feel the judgment. Psych and chronic pain, a double whammy.

[Meimeiquest]

I think a lot of it is just the requirements/scrutiny that pharmacies and certain providers face because controlled substances are being diverted in our society. My husband takes a highly restricted medication (having nothing to do with psych or narcotics), and his doctor, who trusts him 100%, often has to up the ante on when he has to come in, etc.

[bubble]

oh Rhi, I'm also the one who feels very similar when asking for a prescription both at my GP and at the pharmacy where they sometimes tell me it is concerning to take so much of that stuff for so long (as if I didn't know it and didn't spent the last 10 years trying to get off it with the only result of ending up on more).

 

I had an even worse experience: I had an awful tenant who fled the flat when he couldn't pay the rent. But that was not all: a few days later a policeman rang at my door with a warrant to arrest him for not paying some debts. I had just collected my Xanax and it was lying on the table so I got asked if I had a prescription for those. I sure felt as a drug addict criminal

 

I would so much want to at least be on a lower dose so that I don't have to go for refills so often....

[ladybug]

 

"you have to take your antibiotics for ten days or the bugs will develop resistance"

Wait, so that's not true? I'm taking a public health class and that was mentioned in the chapter on infectious diseases. The reasoning is that if you don't take a full course of your antibiotics, the bacteria left will be the ones that were most resistant to the drug, they will then propagate, and potentially these "superbugs" will be passed on to others. It's survival of the fittest and all that. I know you work in a lab so are obviously WAY more knowledgeable about it than I am lol.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all that with the pharmacy and your doctor. Before I found someone who would regularly prescribe me Paxil, I felt like an addict desperately searching for someone to write me a prescription. I once even had a nurse practioner "cut me off" because I made the mistake of being truthful to her about my slow taper and after a few months she said I was taking too long, it was all in mind, and I could cold turkey off 12mg of Paxil and be fine. I was left to scramble to find another doctor to write me a prescription. So now, I just lie and say "Yes, the Paxil is working great, I love it!"  I imagine it would be A LOT harder if Paxil was a controlled substance.

[Rhiannon]

Sorry you're having pharmacy issues, Rhi.

Add opiates to that mix and really feel the judgment. Psych and chronic pain, a double whammy.

Oh yowsa I bet! sheesh.

[Rhiannon]

Sorry to hear of the hassle Rhi. I do commiserate, not from my own diazepam refill exp., but from an issue I ran into last year when getting Lyrica refilled. The pharmacy had the script, but somehow looked in the wrong database, so said they did not. It was the day after I broke my arm, and I had a ride.. the person who brought me was standing next to me in the pharmacy. By the time the pharmacist finished raking me over the coals for insisting the script still had valid refills, while he insisted there was none, that he could not possibly advance any extras as it is a CONTROLLED substance, and surely I did not want to run afoul of the law (or whatever), my ride must have thought I was a druggie. Course, the next day, when the pharmacist found he was in error, my driver was not there... sigh.

 

Right, because you just LOOOOOVe taking Lyrica. 

 

Like taking a drug means you're abusing it. If they think that why do they even prescribe the stuff?

[Rhiannon]

I think a lot of it is just the requirements/scrutiny that pharmacies and certain providers face because controlled substances are being diverted in our society. My husband takes a highly restricted medication (having nothing to do with psych or narcotics), and his doctor, who trusts him 100%, often has to up the ante on when he has to come in, etc.

 

Yes, I know. And it drives me crazy that I'm caught up in that.

[Rhiannon]

oh Rhi, I'm also the one who feels very similar when asking for a prescription both at my GP and at the pharmacy where they sometimes tell me it is concerning to take so much of that stuff for so long (as if I didn't know it and didn't spent the last 10 years trying to get off it with the only result of ending up on more).

 

I had an even worse experience: I had an awful tenant who fled the flat when he couldn't pay the rent. But that was not all: a few days later a policeman rang at my door with a warrant to arrest him for not paying some debts. I had just collected my Xanax and it was lying on the table so I got asked if I had a prescription for those. I sure felt as a drug addict criminal

 

I would so much want to at least be on a lower dose so that I don't have to go for refills so often....

 

 

 

 

"you have to take your antibiotics for ten days or the bugs will develop resistance"

 

 

Wait, so that's not true? I'm taking a public health class and that was mentioned in the chapter on infectious diseases. The reasoning is that if you don't take a full course of your antibiotics, the bacteria left will be the ones that were most resistant to the drug, they will then propagate, and potentially these "superbugs" will be passed on to others. It's survival of the fittest and all that. I know you work in a lab so are obviously WAY more knowledgeable about it than I am lol.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all that with the pharmacy and your doctor. Before I found someone who would regularly prescribe me Paxil, I felt like an addict desperately searching for someone to write me a prescription. I once even had a nurse practioner "cut me off" because I made the mistake of being truthful to her about my slow taper and after a few months she said I was taking too long, it was all in mind, and I could cold turkey off 12mg of Paxil and be fine. I was left to scramble to find another doctor to write me a prescription. So now, I just lie and say "Yes, the Paxil is working great, I love it!"  I imagine it would be A LOT harder if Paxil was a controlled substance.

 

 

I've actually tapered all my other meds down to the point where I don't need my full prescription every month. The Celexa, I'm still working my way through a prescription from last year. It's great to not have to worry about being dependent on the misinformed, deceptively-educated whims of some doctor who believes the pharmaceutical companies propaganda. And yes thank goodness they don't assume I'm "drug seeking" with the Celexa and the lamotrigine. But I hate the benzos just as much as the others and have NO desire to abuse ANY of them, and it's incredibly frustrating that even after taking them for so many years and never once requesting extra or showing any signs of abuse, I am still treated like an untrustworthy idiot just for taking them.

 

I'm seriously considering holding all my other tapers and just focusing on getting the Valium down, not because it makes sense in my taper (it doesn't, Valium is actually the least of my problems right now and I'm already on a low dose) but because I don't like being held hostage like this. If I could get down to 1 mg per day, I'd have enough left over at the end of the month (if I save what I don't use, making two days' worth at once) that I won't be in trouble if some yahoo decides not to refill my prescription on time.

 

Right now I'm holding everything, though, Valium included, because in addition to the job interview I have coming up, I've put in another application online and am planning to keep putting in applications for jobs as they get posted. Apparently I've finally gotten off the fence about moving (I've been back and forth about that for a year and a half now). I don't want to be dealing with job interviews and moving and learning a new job while also coping with withdrawal, so I'm going to treat myself to a long hold.

 

Which means having to deal with yahoos and their Valium prejudice.

 

I swear, as good as the Ashton method is for so many people, this is one of the biggest problems with it in today's medical-prejudice environment: urban legend about Valium, and badly misinformed doctors.

[Barbarannamated]

"Held hostage".... perfect terminology.