Jump to content

Proof of Healing in Your Life (regardless of current withdrawal symptoms)


delsol

Recommended Posts

So... While withdrawal may continue to dog me for quite some time (or maybe not... who knows?) ... In the meantime, what I'm finding helpful is recounting the ways my brain/body has healed from other things.  I will give a couple of examples here, and I hope this will inspire a discussion of how, even when withdrawal feels scary, there is proof that our brains/bodies are evolving toward a better place. Here goes:

 

1.) Ten years ago, I quit smoking. I thought my brain could "never" adapt to a life without nicotine. I thought I'd crave it forever, that I'd think about it forever, that there'd be this permanent hole in my life somehow. Well, at first I had to give it all I had: I lived and breathed my quit. My body hated me. My brain hated me. I got depressed and had a very hard time. But, as time went on, days became weeks became months became years, and now, I can safely say I just don't give cigs much thought at all anymore. My brain adapted to not having nicotine, and I learned new habits. So maybe the same is true of psych drugs. If I thought I'd "never" adapt to not having nicotine and I did, here is evidence that my doomsday thinking ("I'll 'never' recover from psych drugs) might just not be true.

 

2.) After a serious car accident in 2012, I never thought I'd be able to drive again, go to school again, listen to music again, etc., but I did. My brain healed. 

 

3.)  I had surgery for breast cancer in 2015. It was very hard, emotionally and physically. But my body healed and continues to fight off cancer, as I've not had a recurrence. This too is proof that the body can do amazing things.

 

Okay, other people chime in ...  Even if withdrawal is going terribly, what is some evidence that you have healed from other things? Go.

--Current supplements: Fish oil 1000 mg x4 (split into 2 doses of 1000 mg); Vit. D 2,000 iu once daily; 2-3 tsp coconut oil daily

--3/14/20: Re-discontinued gabapentin after 2 weeks, due to agitation

--2/27/20: Reinstated Kpin .5mg and also briefly reinstated gabapentin 300mg. 2x/daily, to help with side effects (Kpin dose usually taken in a.m. between 5-8 a.m.; gabapentin once in a.m. and once around 6 p.m.)

--2/13/20: Tried reducing Kpin down to .375mg due to dysphoric side effects; tried to CT but started hallucinating again after 4 days

--1/23/20: Placed on daily .5mg dose of Klonopin

--From July 2017-Jan. 2020: PRN Klonopin 1mg. :  up to 1x/day:  sometimes weeks without it, sometimes 1-2x/week, sometimes 4-5x/week; tried to CT in Jan. 2020 and ended up in hospital with delirium and hallucinations

--November 2019: Weaned down gabapentin approx. 100 mg. per week and discontinued it

--August 7, 2019-10/18/19: Reduced Trintellix from 10mg. down to zero (insurance stopped paying for it - I couldn't afford it).

--February 2019-11/30/19: Reduced nortriptyline from 75 mg. to zero

--As of February 2019:  Meds were 10 mg. (1x/day) Trintellix, 75 mg. (1x/day) nortriptyline, and 600 mg. gabapentin

--1992 through 2018: On various cocktails of meds, starting with anafranil

 

Link to post
  • Mentor

I was able to handle the death of both my parents (my mother in 2000 and may father in 2006), including being executor of their final will and trust, even while I was dealing with anxiety and withdrawal.  It helped me realize that no matter what my anxious brain was telling me, I could handle the reality of negative experiences.   There was a lot of strength in that realization.

 

Also, no matter how bad my anxiety or withdrawal symptoms were, I was able to be there for our son as he was growing up.  I made it to all his junior high and high school band concerts, did karate with him, and helped with his homeschool studies.  Despite the turmoil in my head, I was a good father.

Edited by mstimc

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post

That is a great story of resilience. One thing I keep hearing from people farther along in their process is that they are able to look back and see how much they learned about their own power.  Right now I admit, I'm not feeling too powerful, hence me starting this thread, in the hopes of at least reminding myself of my body's innate capacity to heal. I would find it difficult to do withdrawal while raising children or dealing with family deaths. Kudos to you.

 

I guess a lot of us feel like we'll be an exception or never get better. I admit I am falling into that line of thinking lately, and one of my coping skills is to try and help other people find their own evidence of healing. (I tend to be a "people person" when I'm well).  

14 hours ago, mstimc said:

It helped me realize that no matter what my anxious brain was telling me, I could handle the reality of negative experiences.   There was a lot of strength in that realization.

 

Thanks for your input -- I hope other people will post in this thread as well. 

--Current supplements: Fish oil 1000 mg x4 (split into 2 doses of 1000 mg); Vit. D 2,000 iu once daily; 2-3 tsp coconut oil daily

--3/14/20: Re-discontinued gabapentin after 2 weeks, due to agitation

--2/27/20: Reinstated Kpin .5mg and also briefly reinstated gabapentin 300mg. 2x/daily, to help with side effects (Kpin dose usually taken in a.m. between 5-8 a.m.; gabapentin once in a.m. and once around 6 p.m.)

--2/13/20: Tried reducing Kpin down to .375mg due to dysphoric side effects; tried to CT but started hallucinating again after 4 days

--1/23/20: Placed on daily .5mg dose of Klonopin

--From July 2017-Jan. 2020: PRN Klonopin 1mg. :  up to 1x/day:  sometimes weeks without it, sometimes 1-2x/week, sometimes 4-5x/week; tried to CT in Jan. 2020 and ended up in hospital with delirium and hallucinations

--November 2019: Weaned down gabapentin approx. 100 mg. per week and discontinued it

--August 7, 2019-10/18/19: Reduced Trintellix from 10mg. down to zero (insurance stopped paying for it - I couldn't afford it).

--February 2019-11/30/19: Reduced nortriptyline from 75 mg. to zero

--As of February 2019:  Meds were 10 mg. (1x/day) Trintellix, 75 mg. (1x/day) nortriptyline, and 600 mg. gabapentin

--1992 through 2018: On various cocktails of meds, starting with anafranil

 

Link to post
  • Mentor

Thanks, Delsol.  So much of anxiety is tied to the “what-ifs” I think we underestimate our ability to handle the reality of many stressful situations.  In my experience, nothing real has ever been as bad as what my anxiety and OCD conjured in my head.

 

Actaully, my first real window during WD came when I was watching our son play in junior high school jazz and.  Suddenly I was able to just be in the moment and enjoy watching him play.  It was such a blessing!

Tim C

Started Paxil for GAD in 1999

Unsuccessful taper attempt in 2006

Paxilprogress helped with a successful taper completed in 2009

Using therapy and CBT to manage my anxiety

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator

Delsol, thank you for starting this thread. I've pondered the question quite a lot. I do hope that something positive will come out of this one day. 

 

I don't know if this will last post withdrawal, but I was recently talking to a friend and WD has put the amount of possible mental suffering into perspective for me. When I started taking these ADs, I did not even imagine this level of misery was possible and endurable. I wish I had endured it until it went away as it usually does with situational anxiety and as it had done before that time. I wish I had gotten CBT for to manage the level that I thought I was unbearable, which now seems like it wasn't that much compared to the depths of misery I've felt in WD. 

 

As mentioned by Tim, these depths also allow the ability to realize that it is possible to endure more than you think you can. At least so far I have been able to endure. I'm waiting for the straw that will break the camel's back and I so hope, with all my heart, that the back stays unbroken. I have at least 2 more years of this before I jump off at the rate I'm going. 

 

 

If you would like to get a response from me directly please type @Onmyway some place in your message so I get notified of your post. I am not able to follow all of the threads all the time.

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months (don't remember dates), trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax/day, then 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week, 

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/2719 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!)

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

 

Link to post

1. Quit smoking 5 years ago after i smoked 1 pack a day. Was damn hard and I thought i can’t live without cigarettes.

2. Quit alcohol i drank a lot with help of AA i recovering 10 years clean.

3 Quit gambling i am gambler I gambled everything away my wife, family, house, car, job i made debts everywhere I landed on the street. Now i am recovering still 1 year left to pay my debts but i have amazing girlfriend, good job and i am clean and not gambling the recovery road was hard and bumpy but i made it. 

We can do everything or at least try to do!

AD: Seroxat since 2005 20 mg and tapering from March 2018 10% every 4 weeks.

15-11-2019 down to 5.5 mg 

28-12-2019 crashed really bad on 5.5mg 

01-01-2020 updose to 7mg

16-01-2020 Updose to 9 mg

 

Benzos: Bromazepam 1.5 mg daily since 2015

Quit CT Bromazepam 16-01-2020 No withdrawals 

Occasionally 1.5 mg extra

Last extra 1.5 mg 12-01-2020

 

 

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...

It looks like lots of us have endured and even recovered from quite a bit of stuff.

On 1/21/2020 at 7:22 AM, pinciukas said:

1. Quit smoking 5 years ago after i smoked 1 pack a day. Was damn hard and I thought i can’t live without cigarettes.

2. Quit alcohol i drank a lot with help of AA i recovering 10 years clean.

3 Quit gambling i am gambler I gambled everything away my wife, family, house, car, job i made debts everywhere I landed on the street. Now i am recovering still 1 year left to pay my debts but i have amazing girlfriend, good job and i am clean and not gambling the recovery road was hard and bumpy but i made it. 

We can do everything or at least try to do!

 

We are not just in withdrawal, we are in recovery. I think the recovery-from-addiction community can teach us a lot about what the body/mind/spirit are capable of. It seems a lot of people here have dealt with both addiction and withdrawal. 

On 1/20/2020 at 8:53 PM, Onmyway said:

As mentioned by Tim, these depths also allow the ability to realize that it is possible to endure more than you think you can.

 

Yes I indeed hope so. I am trying so very hard to practice acceptance. It's not been easy. I read a lot of success stories to keep myself afloat. And there are other success stories besides just withdrawal ones. I'm trying daily to find small shreds of proof that I can do this, because I've survived other hardships.

--Current supplements: Fish oil 1000 mg x4 (split into 2 doses of 1000 mg); Vit. D 2,000 iu once daily; 2-3 tsp coconut oil daily

--3/14/20: Re-discontinued gabapentin after 2 weeks, due to agitation

--2/27/20: Reinstated Kpin .5mg and also briefly reinstated gabapentin 300mg. 2x/daily, to help with side effects (Kpin dose usually taken in a.m. between 5-8 a.m.; gabapentin once in a.m. and once around 6 p.m.)

--2/13/20: Tried reducing Kpin down to .375mg due to dysphoric side effects; tried to CT but started hallucinating again after 4 days

--1/23/20: Placed on daily .5mg dose of Klonopin

--From July 2017-Jan. 2020: PRN Klonopin 1mg. :  up to 1x/day:  sometimes weeks without it, sometimes 1-2x/week, sometimes 4-5x/week; tried to CT in Jan. 2020 and ended up in hospital with delirium and hallucinations

--November 2019: Weaned down gabapentin approx. 100 mg. per week and discontinued it

--August 7, 2019-10/18/19: Reduced Trintellix from 10mg. down to zero (insurance stopped paying for it - I couldn't afford it).

--February 2019-11/30/19: Reduced nortriptyline from 75 mg. to zero

--As of February 2019:  Meds were 10 mg. (1x/day) Trintellix, 75 mg. (1x/day) nortriptyline, and 600 mg. gabapentin

--1992 through 2018: On various cocktails of meds, starting with anafranil

 

Link to post

I thought I'd never get off weed after smoking it everyday for 15 years. It was a crutch and I couldn't imagine my life without being constantly stoned. I needed it to eat, needed it to sleep and wouldn't entertain the idea of doing anything without smoking beforehand. When I was waiting to get more I would pretty much just stare at walls or stare at my phone waiting for a reply from the dealer.

 

Now I'm 3 months off it and I do still think about it on occasions but my brain seems to have adjusted to it's absence after a period of insomnia, irritability and night terrors / sweats.

Link to post
  • 3 months later...
HopefulDawn

Something that might seem silly to you guys but at the time and for a long while I had a lot of difficulty with a breakup. I was crying almost every day for months and I really felt I could not continue anymore; my ex told me he would marry me which I took very seriously; I vowed to always stay by his side and because I had beleived that so much and I beleived I was now bound to him in a way and I can't take it back because like my soul was bound to him or something. I know it sounds really silly but I started to get insomnia and I had a lot of anxiety. I couldn't sleep for 4 days once and then after a few months of still struggling I went to the dr hoping I could have counselling or someone to talk to who will help me think in a different way; this lead to me being prescribed sertraline which I had an adverse reaction to and the resulting everything was worse than the way I felt from the breakup...       - Now things are better regarding the heartbreak and I no longer feel this way towards my ex, so that is something. 

 

My symptoms from the drug have gotten much less severe. April 2020 I feel 95% back to myself in personality way, before that I felt part of my personality and self had gone or was damaged after the drug; being numb. This seemed to happen overnight one day and it has lasted even when I occasionally have brain fog and cognitive issues my personality doesn't seem to disappear again.

 

I went on holiday in February. I was not sure if I would be able to travel due to fatigue but I managed. I had off days but I found it very good for me emotionally and I got over 2 worries; I was unsure if my body would handle flying and I had developed a fear of being in a bath or swimming pool due to a health issue I had. I managed them both and now I know I am okay in those situations and nothing bad happened to me. So i'm pleased with myself that I got over those worries.

January 2018 - 50mg sertraline for only 2 days, had adverse reaction.

On 0 psych drugs now.

Took a very long time for symptoms to go away, got better mentally 100% in April 2020.

 

Turns out also had low vitamin d, low calcium and low thyroid in August 2020.

Treated with colecalciferol and now all physical symptoms gone. Possibly overlap between this issue & sertraline symptoms?

 

May 2021 Still taking colecalciferol, all physical symptoms gone. Unsure if this will return if I stop vit D for long time ?

 

Now consider myself fully healed.

 

Other medication: 5mg certirizine for allergic rhinitis once a day or when needed, cut down from 10mg just in case that was causing issue too since i've taken for over 8 years now.

Link to post
  • 6 months later...
On 5/21/2020 at 3:27 PM, HopefulDawn said:

Something that might seem silly to you guys but at the time and for a long while I had a lot of difficulty with a breakup. I was crying almost every day for months and I really felt I could not continue anymore; my ex told me he would marry me which I took very seriously; I vowed to always stay by his side and because I had beleived that so much and I beleived I was now bound to him in a way and I can't take it back because like my soul was bound to him or something. I know it sounds really silly but I started to get insomnia and I had a lot of anxiety. I couldn't sleep for 4 days once and then after a few months of still struggling I went to the dr hoping I could have counselling or someone to talk to who will help me think in a different way; this lead to me being prescribed sertraline which I had an adverse reaction to and the resulting everything was worse than the way I felt from the breakup...       - Now things are better regarding the heartbreak and I no longer feel this way towards my ex, so that is something. 

 

My symptoms from the drug have gotten much less severe. April 2020 I feel 95% back to myself in personality way, before that I felt part of my personality and self had gone or was damaged after the drug; being numb. This seemed to happen overnight one day and it has lasted even when I occasionally have brain fog and cognitive issues my personality doesn't seem to disappear again.

 

I went on holiday in February. I was not sure if I would be able to travel due to fatigue but I managed. I had off days but I found it very good for me emotionally and I got over 2 worries; I was unsure if my body would handle flying and I had developed a fear of being in a bath or swimming pool due to a health issue I had. I managed them both and now I know I am okay in those situations and nothing bad happened to me. So i'm pleased with myself that I got over those worries.

Your story gives me hope. I got off trazodone and hydroxyzine after only 19 days of using them and I'm on day 42 of being off. I take zero meds now and I hope to feel stabilized again one day. I'm 29 and just want my charisma back. 

Trazodone 10/19/20 - 11/6/2020 stopped cold turkey

Hydroxyzine 10/19/20 - 11/8/2020 

Stopped cold turkey

 

Link to post

when i first got back from the hospital where i was forced fed a cocktail of antipsychotics, i could not even watch tv without having to get up and pace, i can now watch tv for hours at a time again although i do have an occasional wave 

APs/AD: 2.5 months Risperdal 1-2mg for 10 days Aug 21-31 2018, Abilify Maintena 400mg (an injection that lasts for a month) late December 2018 to early January 2019, Zyprexa 5mg for 22 days, first time taking zyprexa was in mid September of  2018 for 14 days the second time  for 10 days was November 8 - November 16, 2018; Mirtazapine for 8 days, Gabapentin for 10 days, Propranolol for 4 days, Prozac for 14 days. Oct. 2- 29, 2020: Depakote 500 mg for 14 days October 13-27; haldol 5 mg for 14 days Ocotober 13-27 ; cogentin 1 mg for 4 days; invega shot that is a 1 time shot that lasts for a month. 

 

Supplements:  Omega-3 Fish Oil

 

Note: I am not a medical doctor and all comments made by me are my personal opinions and are not based off of scientific fact and or testing. 

Link to post
  • 6 months later...
KathyLoop

I struggled with eating and body issues my entire life... dieting at 11... bulimia 16-22... then probably another 25 years of obsessing over food and body, never liking how I looked, even though I now know I looked really good. Exercising, watching every bit of food that went in my mouth, constantly trying to lose 5 pounds. I don't necessarily like how I look now, but I don't hate it. For 53, I look pretty good. And the food obsession has fallen away. I eat healthy... I don't buy crap... food is just fuel, for the most part. It took 40 years, but I guess I have gotten over this issue, mostly.

 

But I'm left with this depression thing... existential depression... just not wanting to live... finding it too difficult and too unsatisfying... laying in bed day after day and hating it but not wanting to do much else. I like the idea that because the food/body issue resolved, this one could too. But today, it seems rather hopeless.

 

Thank you for starting this thread. On a day when I'm feeling so hopeless, it suggested a slight possibility that I hadn't considered before. And maybe a reason to try to keep going.

1986: Librium. 1988-90: Nardil. 1990-92: Prozac. 1992-93: Mannerix. 1993-98: Prozac/Lithium/Trazodone/Dexedrine. 1998: CT everything. 1998: Anafranil

1999-2006: Wellbutrin/Trazodone/Dexedrine. 2006: CT everything. 2007: ECT, Wellbutrin. 2008-10: Escitalopram/Trazodone.2010-15: Citalopram/Trazodone/Lorazepam.

2015: Tapered off Citalopram, half off Trazodone. 2015-18: Citalopram/Trazodone/Lorazepam. 2018: Slow taper off half Citalopram, quick taper off Lorazepam.

2019: Citalopram/Mirtazapine. 2020: Quick taper off Citalopram/Mirtazapine; TMS. 2020: Viibryd; alternating Zopiclone/Trazodone/Mirtazapine/Lorazepam for sleep

2021: Off Viibryd since mid-March (3-month taper). Off all sleep drugs since early June. Back to some Ativan mid-June. Added Clonidine June.

2021 July 1: 1mg Ativan (0.2 at 10am, 0.25 at 4pm, 0.55 at 10pm; 0.025mg Clonidine twice a day (9am, 9pm)

Ativan taper: July 12 .19/.22/.54, July 19 .19/.19/.52, July 26 .18/.18/.49, Aug 8 .18/.16/.46, Aug 18 .18/.14/.43, Aug 28 switch to liquid, Aug 30 .18/.12/.41, Sep 7 .18/.12/.4, Sep 12 .18/.11/.4, Sep 14 .18/.11/.38

 

Link to post
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy