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mom2mkld: My introduction

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mom2mkld

I have had an account here for a long time.  I do not believe I ever did an introduction.  I was just speaking with someone who recommended I come here.  I am suffering in so many ways and I feel so alone.  I am becoming more hopeless every day and am afraid I am going to end up in a hospital.  I have little time to even write now because there is way too much going on in my life.  I need help. There is no where to go for help. 

 

1- I was started on high doses of xanax in 1997 and continued until they switched me to 4mg klonopin in 2013 during a hospitalization.  CT off xanax for a few days which I thought I was going to die.  Then Klonopin, which has wreaked havoc in my life and mind and body.  

 

2- Besides these two benzos, doctors have tried their "cocktails" on me.  I do not remember every drugs, but these I remember:

    First, the xanax and the klonopin.  Plus they have pulled me off, put me on, rearranged etc over and over the following drugs:  remeron, cymbalta, zyprexa, celexa, serzone, brintellix (I think they renamed trintellix), lexapro, effexor, prozac, trazadone, abilify, wellbutrin, ritalin, seroquel, latuda, pristiq, melatonin, ambien, paxil, zoloft, vistaril, vyvanse, lamictal, cogentin, rexulti, and more.  I cannot remember all.  Life is a blur for these past almost 25 years of polydrugging.

 

Now I am on here for my son as well - we both need help

3- Recent trauma: 2014  youngest son starts becoming delusional and episodes of psychosis.  2015: my father is euthanized in front of me and my family because of other family member's decisions for him - even though he was not dying, was completely alert and had his mind. He was not in hospice.  It is a long story and traumatic. 2015: son's psychosis getting worse with son and he moves to another state to live with his brother. 1-4-2016: my son (youngest of four) parked a car and sliced his throat open with a knife- cutting through his trachea. Somehow lived. Got out of car, ran up 7 flights of a construction zone to jump. Construction workers stop him. I get call from hospital and fly to that state the next day. Son had to have 4 hour surgery to put his throat back together. He was in medical for 40 days with trach and feeding tubes. Then in psych. Then they sent him home with me.  The rest of 2016 was complete chaos of hospitalizations for him - did not realize it was the drugs they were forcing on him. I was stupid. They messed him up so badly - 30 days of overdrugging in a "stabilization" unit.  (he was the MOST unstable here!)  Upon D/C, they discontinued his meds and gave him an injection of Abilify Maintena.  Severe reaction to this. No sleep, severe akathathsia, pacing the floors night and day, hardly eating -- exactly 2 weeks later - he was arrested.  In jail 14 months where they tried multiple drugs on him.  Finally putting him on Clozapine and Effexor.  Then he was court ordered to a residential treatment center.  The doctor there increased the Clozapine from 300mg to 500mg.  225mg effexor. He was getting through the court ordered program for 10 months. Then they ran out of his Clozapine.  I really do not know all details because I have learned how corrupt they are.  He was forced hospitalized.  Day 1: forcibly injected with Haldol X2, Ativan X3, Versed X2, Geodon X1.  While he was suffering withdraws from the abrupt CT cessation of 500mg of Clozapine and now the cessation of 225mg of Effexor - both forced upon him by the "professionals".  Day 2: Forced injection of Haldol and ativan.  I informed the hospital that he cannot tolerate haldol.  But they continued to drug him up.  Day three: Forced injections of Haldol X 3 and ativan X 3 and then they started giving him Benztropine.  By the time I saw my son at visitation, he was almost dead and it was a gruesome sight.  I will not give details but I know I suffer post traumatic stress from it all -- I had to argue with nurse to get help for him.  He finally was rushed to CV-ICU. He had DX of respiratory failure, acute kidney failure with rhabdomylosis, dehydration, clozapine withdraws.  The ICU doctor noted that they had to work on my son for 48 minutes to "stop vital organ system failure and stop further life-threatening deterioration of patient's condition".  After ICU, it was awful - he was soon thrown back into psych.  All visitation and phone rights denied him. He was  kept in restraints, completely naked, hours on end.  Med techs would hold him on the floor while other techs kicked and beat him in the head. They continued to forcibly drug him with thorazine, restoril, ativan, even adding depakote and eventually starting the clozapine again.  I had to fight for him for three months.  He still has health problems today.  I am his caretaker but I need help.  He currently is taking:  500mg Clozapine, 150mg effexor.  

 

4- Me- I cannot even remember when I started to taper my meds.  Everything is a blur.  I started realizing how bad they are for me.  Knew very little.  I cut the lexapro dose in half - I think this was early 2017.  And I cut the klonopin dose by 1/4.  Still, since then, a few different meds were started but I would stop them CT.  Then I started learning more.  I read parts of the Ashton Manual.  I have been on FB groups.  I have actually received a lot of harsh treatment from some people in the FB groups, so I rarely go on any of those groups anymore.  I have a scale now.  I shave off my klonopin.  I tried lowering the lexapro but ended up going back up to 10mg and holding.  Want to get off klonopin.  But I am not doing well at all.  

 

I am exhausted.  cannot write anymore.  I have waited years to even get this put in here.  I hope it makes sense.  I have tried liquid titration with klonopin - disaster for me.  I hardly have time to even care for myself - son is urgent.  I am just barely functioning.  

 

So that's that. Not how I would have liked to write it.  but mind is jumbled I think.  I feel misunderstood.  Hope I am not misunderstood here.  I feel very much alone.  NIghtmares- terrible.  depression like I have never experienced.  extreme fatigue, but high demands on me. I have to function.  No one cares or understands about my son or about me.  My son needs to taper but I think he needs to wait until off probation - maybe April or May this year.  Everything I read and see about Clozapine and the horrible labels they have assigned to him - it seems hopeless.  I feel hopeless of ever getting off klonopin and lexapro.  This is no way to live.  I am making no sense.  Not even painting the right picture...for people to understand.  How does anyone successfully get off these drugs and get out of the control of the system?  We live in FL and they are "Baker Act" crazy here.  Baker Act is forced hospitalization.  They even have police come handcuff and take children right out of schools to a psych facility.  It is only getting worse.  I do not know what to do.  

 

I want to be free of these drugs.  Also, my son wants to be free of the drugs.  We both want to be free from the control of this holocaust type system call psychiatry.  

 

I know a moderator has to approve.  Maybe this was not written correctly.  Just let me know what I did wrong.  This took a lot of effort.  Even reading takes a lot of effort and I even forget.  So maybe i am not supposed to put all this in here.  Just let me know.  

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manymoretodays

Hi there mom2mkld, and welcome aboard,

Do you recall what name you might have posted under previously?

Not to worry, we can get you started again.

And oh boy, it sounds really tough right now and for quite some time.

 

2 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

4- Me- I cannot even remember when I started to taper my meds.  Everything is a blur.  I started realizing how bad they are for me.  Knew very little.  I cut the lexapro dose in half - I think this was early 2017.  And I cut the klonopin dose by 1/4.  Still, since then, a few different meds were started but I would stop them CT.  Then I started learning more.  I read parts of the Ashton Manual.  I have been on FB groups.  I have actually received a lot of harsh treatment from some people in the FB groups, so I rarely go on any of those groups anymore.  I have a scale now.  I shave off my klonopin.  I tried lowering the lexapro but ended up going back up to 10mg and holding.  Want to get off klonopin.  But I am not doing well at all.  

 

This ^ is good information, as to your particular case and situation now.

Can you give us some idea, and you can just post it right here, on your introduction page for now......as to what your daily medication and symptom schedule is like.  Just try to note the date and then:

time on the left followed by medication, name and dosage(approximate dosage if you need to) and then continue with

time, followed by medication, as well as symptoms as they occur throughout the day.

 

 

Something like this:  Keeping daily notes, take a look at that link and see if that seems doable.  I'll post a sample daily note right here for you as well:

And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, looking something like this:
 
6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

 

Also, do your best to list any supplements taken, as well as your sleep.

 

2 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

1- I was started on high doses of xanax in 1997 and continued until they switched me to 4mg klonopin in 2013 during a hospitalization.  CT off xanax for a few days which I thought I was going to die.  Then Klonopin, which has wreaked havoc in my life and mind and body.  

 

2- Besides these two benzos, doctors have tried their "cocktails" on me.  I do not remember every drugs, but these I remember:

    First, the xanax and the klonopin.  Plus they have pulled me off, put me on, rearranged etc over and over the following drugs:  remeron, cymbalta, zyprexa, celexa, serzone, brintellix (I think they renamed trintellix), lexapro, effexor, prozac, trazadone, abilify, wellbutrin, ritalin, seroquel, latuda, pristiq, melatonin, ambien, paxil, zoloft, vistaril, vyvanse, lamictal, cogentin, rexulti, and more.  I cannot remember all.  Life is a blur for these past almost 25 years of polydrugging.

 

mom2mkld,

Are you currently on just the Lexapro and Klonopin(clonazepam), or is the Effexor still in the mix of your cocktail, so to speak?  You can clarify easily by trying to just do a list of times and meds and dosages, as I showed you above.  Add in symptoms too, if you can.  And consider this time, just our basic, getting to know you and your unique case a bit better.

 

Pretty common around here to experience the cognitive(thinking difficulties) when switched around a lot on medications......so, no worries.  And perhaps we can get your son started with an introduction once we get you squared away a bit.

I'll go ahead and get your first post approved now.  And will post once more, with some general information for you, on withdrawal and tapering next.  Take in what you can and it will be here in your introduction, for further reference and study later too.

 

Welcome aboard and so glad you've joined us mom2mkld!  This is your introduction page now, you've introduced yourself to the community.  Just for now, try to post right here, ask any questions that come up along the way here too.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

moderator manymoretodays(mmt)

Edited by manymoretodays
elabpration

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manymoretodays

More general information for you regarding tapering and WD(withdrawal) syndrome:

 

Here at Surviving Antidepressants, we recommended a taper of no more than 10% of the current dose with at least a four week hold in-between decreases.  The 10% taper recommendation is a harm reduction approach to going off psychiatric drugs.
 
^ general information more specific to tapering Lexapro(escitalopram)
 
 
 
 
When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made.  The CNS likes stability. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.
 
 
Edited by manymoretodays
added last paragraph

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mom2mkld

Hello.  I cannot even read or take this all in at the moment.  Am so discouraged.  Only lexapro and Klonopin now.  And supplements. Have to add those later. Everything is so overwhelming.  I used to reduce by 10%.  I cannot do that anymore. Now only 4%. Sometimes less than 4%.  And I take 10mg lexapro at 7am.  0.80g klonopin at 7am.  I take 0.158g of klonopin at 8pm.  Probably why I have long hard days.  Today was exhausted.  My son suing the hospital but I have to gather records and organize. Less and less able to do this. Today wore me out.  Anytime I have to leave house or work on his legal stuff I’m toast.  I probably maybe need to spread out when I take meds.  I had same name when I joined in 2017.  But never got started.  I am just getting started in this community.  I hope to feel better tomorrow. Journaling and organization.  Not working lately. My brain is not working. I attend to urgent.  I just try to get through day.  My job used to be to be organized.  I feel I am beyond hope.  Hope to be better tomorrow.  On my way to bed.  Thank you.  I hope I can do this.  

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manymoretodays

Yes.  I understand.  And did not mean to overwhelm you at the get go.

So daily:

7 am  Lexapro 10 mg and klonopin  0.80 g (is this by weight?  are you using a Gemini 20 scale?  and is this the readout that you see on the scale)

 

8 pm klonopin 0.158 g (and again, is this by weight? etc.)

 

What size klonopin tablet are you working with, in milligrams or mg?  Before you shave it and weigh.  That will be helpful.  For us and for you to know as time goes on.

 

Hang in there.  And give us what you can, when you can and I think we can help mom2mkld.  You are doing great so far!

 

Nite nite.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

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Altostrata

Welcome, mom.

 

Please tell us what drugs you're taking now, at what times of day, and at what dosages. If you are tapering Klonopin, I would stop tapering it for the time being until we can get your drug schedule sorted out.

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mom2mkld
On 2/5/2020 at 12:40 AM, manymoretodays said:

Yes.  I understand.  And did not mean to overwhelm you at the get go.

So daily:

7 am  Lexapro 10 mg and klonopin  0.80 g (is this by weight?  are you using a Gemini 20 scale?  and is this the readout that you see on the scale)

Actually, I entered incorrect number.  The weight at 7AM is 0.080g.   Yes, I use the Gemini 20 scale.  And these are the numbers - readout that I see on the scale.  

 

On 2/5/2020 at 12:40 AM, manymoretodays said:

 

8 pm klonopin 0.158 g (and again, is this by weight? etc.)

Yes, this is the weight of what I take.  Readout on the Gemini 20 scale.

 

What size klonopin tablet are you working with, in milligrams or mg?  Before you shave it and weigh.  That will be helpful.  For us and for you to know as time goes on.

This size of the tablets is 2mg tablets.  My doctor wants me taking 4mg daily- which I took for a long time.  I am up because I cannot sleep.  My days have been filled with family troubles.   Mother and son need my help.  I am having a difficult time helping.  Yesterday I slept until 3PM because I just could not push myself anymore.  But later had to show up at a birthday dinner for my granddaughter - looking awful. Also had to get food for son before the dinner.  My sleep is messed up.  I forget original weight of the 2mg tablets.  I have to weigh again or find my paperwork.  I have SSA paperwork for son - a hearing coming up, he is suing a hospital - but I have to do all the compiling and organizing of records for his attorney and there are three more places I need to take him today to sign releases to obtain his medical records.  I cannot do much more.  This is all too much for me.  

 

Hang in there.  And give us what you can, when you can and I think we can help mom2mkld.  You are doing great so far!

 

Nite nite.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

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mom2mkld
13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Welcome, mom.

 

Please tell us what drugs you're taking now, at what times of day, and at what dosages. If you are tapering Klonopin, I would stop tapering it for the time being until we can get your drug schedule sorted out.

 

I posted somewhere.  I take 0.080g of Klonopin at 7AM using the Gemini20 scale.  And I take a 10mg tablet of lexapro (down from 40mg).  At 8PM, I take 0.158g of klonopin.  Plus supplements.  I really want to get off klonopin because my brain has become mush since starting it.  I have been holding the lexapro at 10mg and slowly shaving and tapering the klonopin only by about 4% every 4 weeks.  

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mom2mkld
On 2/4/2020 at 8:02 PM, manymoretodays said:

Hi there mom2mkld, and welcome aboard,

Do you recall what name you might have posted under previously?

Not to worry, we can get you started again.

And oh boy, it sounds really tough right now and for quite some time.

 

 

This ^ is good information, as to your particular case and situation now.

Can you give us some idea, and you can just post it right here, on your introduction page for now......as to what your daily medication and symptom schedule is like.  Just try to note the date and then:

time on the left followed by medication, name and dosage(approximate dosage if you need to) and then continue with

time, followed by medication, as well as symptoms as they occur throughout the day.

 

 

Something like this:  Keeping daily notes, take a look at that link and see if that seems doable.  I'll post a sample daily note right here for you as well:

And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, looking something like this:
 
6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

 

Also, do your best to list any supplements taken, as well as your sleep.

Yes, once I finish being my son's attorney's paralegal - gathering all his medical and psych info from 2017 to present, and scanning into computer to send her, I will have time to document more.  This is emotionally draining and taking over my life - my son has been damaged greatly and it is traumatizing to read the lies and false documentation.  They tried to murder him in the hospital.  Will do this asap.  

Supplements:  My Kind, organic multivitamin, Vitamin D, CoQ10, Vit. C, Zinc, Fish oil - good kind it's not in front of me.  going on memory.  Some Adaptocrine that a nutritionist told me to take.  I am not sure what that is. I was taking a probiotic but stopped. Some Calcium/magnesium supplement.  I have a can of "Calm" powerder with magnesium and calcium also.  I drink often for anxiety. Best Rest formula by "Pure Encapsulations" but it is too expensive - think I will stop and just go back to Valerian Root and melatonin.  I just ran out of my veggie protein mix from nulife herbs called Matrix Meal.  I can get more info about all these things during the day sometime.  I am typing in the dark - husband sleeping.  I need sleep.  I have much I need to do.  

 

Quote

 

 

mom2mkld,

Are you currently on just the Lexapro and Klonopin(clonazepam), or is the Effexor still in the mix of your cocktail, so to speak?  You can clarify easily by trying to just do a list of times and meds and dosages, as I showed you above.  Add in symptoms too, if you can.  And consider this time, just our basic, getting to know you and your unique case a bit better.

No Effexor!! Thank God.  Only Lexapro and Klonopin.  And the generic for Allegra.  Two prescribed drugs and one OTC drug.  And supplements.  But I was actually able to handle life better on higher doses of meds.  But I do not want to go backwards.  I want off all these drugs.  No more drugs.  No more psychiatry - especially since I saw the pure corruption and intimidation when they tried to murder my son via forced overdoses.  I want free from psychiatry's control - for him too.  and no more drugs that are killing us both!

 

Quote

 

Pretty common around here to experience the cognitive(thinking difficulties) when switched around a lot on medications......so, no worries.  And perhaps we can get your son started with an introduction once we get you squared away a bit.

I'll go ahead and get your first post approved now.  And will post once more, with some general information for you, on withdrawal and tapering next.  Take in what you can and it will be here in your introduction, for further reference and study later too.

 

Welcome aboard and so glad you've joined us mom2mkld!  This is your introduction page now, you've introduced yourself to the community.  Just for now, try to post right here, ask any questions that come up along the way here too.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,                  Thank you!  

moderator manymoretodays(mmt)

 

 

Oh my - this forum is kind of confusing for me.  I will work on this.  I know I must get the templates and start writing symptoms and sleep.  Going to try to get sleep for now.  I feel that everything is moving so fast around me.  I forget from one moment to the next what I am feeling and going through.  And people are needing me - so I do what I can do - which is maybe half of what they need from me.  I have to keep my sanity and keep functioning for son expecially - no one helping him.  He would be dead or locked away without my help.  I want him to have a chance at life without psychiatry and drugs.  He is overdrugged right now.  I have to get up at 7am to give him and me these psych drugs that I hate.  My mom needs me but I am even less available for her and I feel bad about that.  Lately, I think I just cry a lot.  Sob.  Before, had horrible suicidal feelings all the time and every day and the nights were really bad but I think that has subsided.  So,I am actually afraid to reduce anything now because that was tough.  Very tough.  Nobody understood what I was going through.  I do not understand it.  It was awful.  Only my son needing me kept me here.  Only the hope that he can live life because at that time - I saw no reason to live.  But do not feel that now.  but do not know when that came and when it stopped.  It overtook my thoughts for some time.  But I also believe that God does not want me to take my life - one other things that keeps me here but it's tough when I feel nothing except extreme emptiness - alone - etc. etc. 

 

I move slowly.  my thoughts and my home unorganized.  I used to keep a clean home and stocked fridge.  No more.  The days fly by.   I do not know where they go.  It seems only a few hours and a day passes and I have accomplished nothing.  I try to walk - but not consistant.  The paperwork for all these important events is just in piles.  Very unlike who I used to be.  I just cannot seem to be able to get organized.  I avoid going out.  If not for my son, I would most likely stay in bed always and just in my house.  It is exhausting to have to even take a shower let alone get out and have to advocate for him.  and do things for him.  And worry about his health. 

 

I am afraid daily for him.  He has brain injury from the hospital, heart problems and more from what they did to him.  The dreams I have are awful and toxic.  My BP goes up and down.  Anxiety can get overwhelming but no panic attacks - thank God.  Feeling out of place.  Feeling alone - even in a crowd.  Muscle cramps at times.  I have gained weight since starting the taper.  And after seeing my son dying in the hospital - it was awful to see and with NO ONE helping him - I have gained 20 more pounds.  But recently lost about 10 pounds, just from maybe walking but more from extreme anxiety and not being able to eat.  There are other problems.  migraines is another.  That last for days.  horrible migraines.  bloated stomach.  sometimes look like I am pregnant.  Severe depression worse than I've ever had.  Seems to be worse after reduction.  So, last reduction I was so bad   afraid to reduce now again.  my son and I have no support .  my husband financially supports and works all the time.  He just tells us to "get over it"   That kind of stuff.  Gets very angry with me.  my son tries to be what his father wants from him.  I have to go lie down.  

Edited by Altostrata
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manymoretodays

Hi mom,

Yes, I can see you are having some difficulty.  I got rid of a couple of your posts that were just quotes of previous posts with no replies.

Is the below an accurate reflection of your daily drug intake, times, drugs, dosages?   Perhaps if in your next reply, you just clarify on the below for us.  That might simplify for you.  Just check what I put together here.  Then post it on your own.....your usual drug schedule, time on the left, drug name(s), dosage(s)(if you know it, rather than just weight)

------------------------------------------------------------

7 am:  Lexapro 10 mg and klonopin  0.80 g (is this by weight?  are you using a Gemini 20 scale?  and is this the readout that you see on the scale)

 

8 pm: klonopin 0.158 g (and again, is this by weight? etc.)

 

What size klonopin tablet are you working with, in milligrams or mg?  Before you shave it and weigh.  That will be helpful.  For us and for you to know as time goes on.

 

And then you will see where I asked a few questions regarding the actual dose strength of you klonopin(clonazepam)?  What dose in milligrams(mg) are the klonopin tablets that you are working with?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When did you decrease your Lexapro dose last?  Approximate date and by how much?  Did you go all the way from 40 mg to 10 mg at once? 

And oh boy, 40 mg is a whopping dose of Lexapro!!!  Who would even prescribe that!!!!!?????

 

What I used to do, when I first got here, and sometimes now, to be able to attend to questions asked.......is to read the posts and take notes on paper, on the side, to understand and comprehend.  And then just reply.  No need to quote whole posts completely in other words.  You can partial quote as well.  Just for now though, I hope to see you post just your current drug schedule(again, I know, but in the simple format, rather than in narrative form).   See if this helps you.

 

21 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Welcome, mom.

 

Please tell us what drugs you're taking now, at what times of day, and at what dosages. If you are tapering Klonopin, I would stop tapering it for the time being until we can get your drug schedule sorted out.

 

I quoted Alto ^, just to be sure that you did see that post.

And did read through your most recent narrative as well.........my gosh, it sounds really, really tough right now.

 

So, let's try and just keep really simple right now for you.

 

I hope this helps with your site usage.

 

(((((((momtomkld))))))))

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

 

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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Altostrata

Mom, I would stop tapering your drugs for the time being. Take everything at the same time each day. You've been through so many drug changes, let your nervous system settle for now.

 

Both your and your son's situations are complicated. It make take some time for us to unravel them.

 

You are your son's caregiver, it sounds like you're overwhelmed. Are there any services near you that help support caregivers? An ombudsperson or patient advocate at your son's hospital?

 

Who is prescribing your drugs and your son's drugs? Do you find your GP to be understanding and supportive?

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mom2mkld

I took pictures of my supplements, but it says the file is too large to upload.  Now I will go back and answer questions without posting quotes.  I thought I took a lot of time to post under the quotes in a different color, but now all my answers are gone.  So, I’ll write out questions and answer to best of ability. They’ve always overdrugged but told me I was not on a lot.  At one time I was on 80mg Latuda.  Awful. And since I’ve learned better, my psychiatrist recently tried to up my dose of Klonopin to 6mg!!!! I refused and he doesn’t know I am tapering.  Can trust no one in Tampa Bay Area.  It is pure corruption here.  I am on my own.  But now I will put another post to answer questions.  Thank you.  

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mom2mkld

Ok - I will try answering questions here.  kind of frustrated because I tried to copy and paste an excel list.  Not working. 

 

Drug schedule:

7:00AM 

1- Lexapro (Escitalopram)        1 tablet = 10mg         I take one whole tablet, so 10mg

2-  Klonopin (Clonazepam)       1 tablet = 2mg and weighs about 0.172g on the Gemini 20 scale        I take less than half a pill which weighs 0.080g on the gemini scale  I do not know the mg amount.  I am dumb when it comes to math. 

3-  Fenofexadine (Allegra OTC)   1 tablet = 180mg     I take one whole tablet,  so 180mg every day.  If I skip this I get horrible migraines.

 

Nothing but supplements during the day.

 

8:00PM

1- Klonopin (Clonazepan)      1 tablet = 2mg and weighs about 0.172g on the Gemini 20 scale       I shave off enough to where it weighs 0.158g.  

 

The psychiatrist used to have me used the 2mg tablets this way:

 

1/2 tab in the AM

1/2 tab in the after noon

1 whole tab at bedtime

 

When I first started in 2017 - I just completely cut out my afternoon dose and only took the AM and PM dose and continue to decrease those.  Lately only decreasing evening dose because AM dose is getting too small I think.  

 

I have never kept good medication records.  As far as question about Lexapro - I do not remember when the psychiatrist just cut the dose in half from 40mg to 20mg.  Any doctor I have seen the past 25 years just cut my doses or CT took me off and started me on different meds.  It was so common and I do not have records.  

 

I THINK it was March of 2017 when I cut my lexapro from 20mg to 10mg.  I have tried shaving and going lower and ended up going back up to 10mg.  One day, the psychiatrist asked if I wanted to decrease to 10mg (because he thought I was taking Wellbutrin). I said ok.  So, that is how I now have 10mg pills which makes things easier for now.  

 

I went back up to 10mg of Lexapro on 07-06-2019.  That is last time I have changed dosage of lexapro. Have been on 10mg ever since.

 

12-20-2019 Klonopin reduction by 4% off my PM dose only  -- suffered a lot through the holidays.  Severe depression- super severe.

 

I do not journal or do much of anything but I see this written on 01-14-2020:

"felt awful entire holiday. Empty feel empty. Lost-alone-crying every day. Only sleeping about 3 hours at a time- often sleep from 4AM-7AM. Then sleep during the day about 3-4 hours with bad dreams. Tight chest- memory issues - not functioning well at all. God help me."

 

Tough stuff lately - have mediation for son's lawsuit against hospital 03-27-2020 just found out today

                                   SSA overpayment Administrative Hearing set for 04-28-2020

                                   son to apply for early termination of probation soon

                                   son experiencing heart issues and getting lots of tests done by cardiologist

 

I have to run for now.  Next I will list supplements.

 

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mom2mkld

CORRECTION in drugs (if it matters)

 

I take the generic Allegra at 8:00PM, not 7:00AM

 

 

sorry

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mom2mkld

It has been suggested I stop tapering.  What am I to do.  I am not making it on my current dosages.  Now I am being urged to be my mother's POA and health surrogate because others in the family will have her dead soon.  Lots of family dysfunction and stress.  

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mom2mkld

I cannot go to psychiatrist for help.  I cannot go to hospital for help.  There is no support in Tampa FL.  I can trust no one.  I had to fight the mental health mafia for three months every day for my son's life and freedom.  It is a miracle that he is now home.  I do not know if anyone understands our position.  I have to protect him from further damages.  They either intentionally harmed him or made accidents and tried to murder him.  When I saw what they were doing and stopped them, then they tried to get him locked up.  There is no one we can trust now.  We need to move out of Tampa basically. It almost feels hopeless.  I do not have a GP right now.  I found one I liked but she died in January.  I went to a functional medicine doc for a consult but my husband refuses to pay for functional medicine.  He is only one working here.  Everyone I have reached out to here for years is PRO DRUGS.  And they are all "mandated reporters".  Not a safe place, once you carry a label.  Very unsafe.  It is like a holocaust here - the way they treat people with psychiatric labels.  

 

I cannot go backwards with meds.  You think if I stop tapering that I will eventually stabilize out on these dosages?  I need local friends, of which I have none.  I have to get through some stuff here - and then I want to move - but my husband refuses to move.  I need to get my son and myself out of here.  

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mom2mkld

Supplements:

 

1- Calm plus Calcium powder mix added to water maybe 2 to 3X daily (magnesium, vit C, Vit D3, calcium, magnesium, potassium, boron

2- My Kind orgainic Women's Once Daily multivitamin    once daily

3- Super Omega - 3 by Life Extension has EPA/DHA fish oil   2000mg wild fish oil concentrate- 700mg EPA and 500mg DHA = two gel caps daily

4- Adaptocrine (K-2) by Apex Energetics has vit c, Ginseng, ashwagandha, holy basil, rhodioia, eleuthero, pantethineBoerhavia Extract, Betaine HCI, Peptiase      1 capsule daily

5- Raw Calcium by Vitamin Code-Garden of Life, whole food plant formula: Calcium, magnesium, vit. D3, vit K2 MK-7, vit C, Strontium, Boron, Silica, Vanadium, plus raw organic fruit & veggie blend and raw probiotic and enzyme blend       1 capsule daily

6- Vitamin B6, 100mg,    1 tab daily

7- Vitamin D3 125mcg   1 softgel daily

8- Vitamin C 500mg     1 tablet daily

9- Zinc 50mg  1 tablet daily

10- coQ10 100mg    1 softgel daily

11- Best Rest formula by Pure Encapsulations: Vit B6, melatonin, gaba, L-theanine, Valarian Root, Lemon Balm, Hops, Passion Flower, Chamomile    2 capsules at bedtime  --- soon to go back to Valerian Root only because this is too expensive

12- Melatonin: 3mg,    3 tablets at bedtime

 

I know I see many overlapping items.  I have listened to many different people.  I went to a functional medicine doc and he says I need to take his stuff and stick with only one company.  He will run tests but my husband says he is done spending money.  A woman I met on FB, who is getting her graduate degree in functional nutrition, said she would help me for free for her doctorate work.  She talked my husband into spending $650.00 on tests that were sent to me in a box and I had to mail back to a lab.  I learned little from her other than my cortisol is high and my hormones are off balance.  I have a progesterone cream that I used to use at night.  Stopped using.  I think it made me feel more depressed.  But I also think that melatonin gives me crazy dreams, but I need sleep.  It helps a little.  

 

I used to make a shake every morning using NuLife Herbs, organic greens plant protein matrix meal, adding blueberries and other berries and a banana to it.  It seemed to help.  I ran out.  Now they make it with hemp and I do not know if I need that.  I used to take a lot of herbs from NuLife Herbs, but have stopped.  Nothing really seems to help.  

 

A functional pharmacist in my neighborhood gave me RelaxMax and Cogniquil once.  The RelaxMax was nice for sleep.  The Cogniquil made me so anxious, as if I drank a pot of coffee, so I stopped taking that.  I ran out of Relax Max.  It was expensive too.  So soon going back to Valerian Root.  

 

 

Am I beyond hope to ever get off meds?  I cannot live life like this anymore.  I need to be free and feel better and heal from 25 years of polydrugging.  I am almost 55 years old.  I do not want dementia nor do I want to die soon from the effects of psych drugs.  I would like to be able to enjoy my life and live as long as possible.  I really want my 24-year-old son to have a chance at life.  He has not even had a chance to begin his adult life without psychiatry messing him up terribly.  Is there any hope for us?

 

Can I get help here?    

 

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mom2mkld
10 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Mom, I would stop tapering your drugs for the time being. Take everything at the same time each day. You've been through so many drug changes, let your nervous system settle for now.

Do you think it would help to spread out throughout the day so that I do not suffer such awful anxiety and/or depression and severe fatigue?

 

Both your and your son's situations are complicated. It make take some time for us to unravel them.

 

You are your son's caregiver, it sounds like you're overwhelmed. Are there any services near you that help support caregivers?  An ombudsperson or patient advocate at your son's hospital?

There is no help for him or for me.  It is a nightmare here.  no help, ombudsperson or patient advocate.  My son has an attorney who is suing a hospital. But she is doing everything pro bono- not even a malpractice suite.  Tort violations. The AHCA did an investigation after I submitted complaints and they found 21 violations.  But attorney seems to only want to make money mostly.   The hospital overdosed him with ativan and haldol and was allowing him to just die in isolation for 14-16 hours.  I saw him almost dead and had to argue with the nurse to get help for him.  Finally, they rushed him to CV-ICU where the ICU doctor documented that the my son arrived in respiratory failure, acute kidney injury with rhabdomyolysis(severe muscle damage from prolonged rigidity), leukocytosis, dehydration and more.  The ICU record says they had to work on him 48 minutes to "assess, manipulate, and support vital organ system failure and/or to prevent further life-threatening deterioration of the patient's condition..."  They messed up.  I saw it.  So after ICU, they intimidated me, threw him back in psych and restricted all visitation and phone rights for him.  They held him on the ground while techs kicked and beat him in the head.  They put him in restraints, naked, and mocked him and shot him up with thorozine, restoril, ativan and more.  Reintroduced Clozapine and added Depokote.  It was awful. They did all this so they could write horrible things about him to explain their attempted murder and abuse.  I have pictures and videos.  I had to face the mental health mafia for his very life and freedom for three months every day.  He finally was able to come home. They injured him and made him very very sick for a long time.  He has brain injury and heart problems.  Yet, all doctors cover for the hospital.  I feel very alone because nobody believes it or just does not want to get involved.  Including doctors.  I could write a book of more horrible things.  I am just doing my best to keep him safe and as healthy as possible.  Could tell you so much more of the pure torture he has suffered in the mental health system here.  No one can be trusted, I have had to learn the very hard way.  I trusted them at first.  No more.  

 

Who is prescribing your drugs and your son's drugs? Do you find your GP to be understanding and supportive?  

My son and I have different psychiatrists due to insurance reasons.  Neither psychiatrist is supportive of helping us taper and there is the constant fear of involuntary commitment for my son especially.  I feel he is now blacklisted in the MH community.  Much false documentation - as I am gathering all his records together.  False labels.  False narratives.  Pure evil.  Blame the patient.  No accountability.  It is a daily nightmare.

 

My son has a GP, who is just very careful.  He is not supportive.  my son has labels.  He is stigmatized by false documentation and labels.    

 

I have no GP.  I found one last June that I liked, but she died in January of this year.  Need new GP.  I have asked countless GPs, even a gynocologist, to help me taper and they are all pro-drug.  I have been through many psychiatrists here and they all over drug and do not know how to take anyone off.  My current psychiatrist told me he could get me off 4mg (he thinks I am taking) of Klonopin within 3-4 months.  Scary to me.  Another psychiatrist wanted me to go even faster and was very strict.  Made me sign that I take a pee test every visit and if I am not following his very fast taper plan, he will discharge me from his practice.  I never went back to him.   I have actively been looking for local support since 2017!  Cannot find anyone.  What are we to do?

 

Edited by mom2mkld
added that my son has a GP

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manymoretodays

Hi mom,

And so sorry......you'll see one of your posts from 20 hours ago, back up here in your introduction. 

I did not see the red notes you had put in there and so......it's back intact.

 

Yes, you can get help here.  Around further tapering of your medications.  And yes, even on the spacing of your klonopin doses.   It's just for now, that we are suggesting that you HOLD steady with what you are currently taking, while we get to know you and your current medication regimen.  Not forever.  Just for now, while we get familiar with your present drug regimen and most recent drug changes.

 

Again, so sorry for putting what I had thought to be just quotes in storage.  It's back now.

Patience required.   Hang in there, and it does sound like you are, have been in the midst of some horrible treatment.  I wish we could just take it all away overnight or very quickly.  Of course we can't take it all away.  Just offering comfort for whatever that might be worth at the moment.

 

I don't know if you are aware, but we are all volunteers here, not on 24/7, and do the best we can.  Do try to bear with us and yes, we can try to help.

 

Thanks for your understanding and patience.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Just adding in:  Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

And not right now mom2mkld, as you sound so overwhelmed, perhaps just look over the link, for doing as soon as possible.

And I will try and get back when I can as well, to see if I can get a bit of your medication history, current dosing, supplements taken, and most recent tapers sorted out a bit more.  Right now I'm just popping in and out.  Long day and I am wiped out right now.

Again, very sorry about the post I sent to storage.

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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mom2mkld

Hello Manymoretodays,

 

I understand you are volunteers.  I am sorry if I seem demanding.  I am actually desperate.  I have been seeking help for years, fumbling around on my own - and going through tons of trauma at the same time.  Many people have given up on me. Lots of rejection.  Family and friends all gone.  I am so sorry.  I am just desperate.  I do not expect a quick fix or even quick answers from you or anybody.  I guess I am crying out in desperation because I am in a bad place.  Not knowing how long I can take this.  But I have faith that God will get us through this.  Even though it is very dark right now and looks and feels hopeless.

 

I am sorry.  I do not expect anything.  That's why, if I am too much, I would rather leave than to be a problem.  Thank you for help.  I do not want to be a bother.  Maybe I should not be here.  I am way too overwhelmed.  I am suffering trauma.  I never realized what trauma does to people - besides WD.   Do you know that two therapists refused me saying there is too much trauma.  I feel that there is no help.   That no one understands everything I must face every day of my life.   I am sorry.  Last thing I want to be is trouble for anyone.  And husband yelling at me "You are not an invalid!  Stop listening to those people!"  He doesn't get it either.  I am sorry.  

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manymoretodays

Try and stay with us mom2mkld.  I'll try to sort through a bit more of your information when I can get on back here.

 

And I'm so sorry your husband is not more supportive......   and that currently, you have very little support on the ground.  Sounds just awful.

 

((((((mom2mkld)))))))))

 

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Altostrata

Sadly, it is very hard to find a physician of any type who knows anything about tapering psychiatric drugs. The best you can to is find someone who is sympathetic and will write the prescriptions you need. You do not need a psychiatrist to do this, though there may be some state regulation requiring a psychiatrist for your son.

 

There may be some currently active members near you, please post in this topic Tampa Bay/Orlando members, please check in here. They may be able to advise you on doctors or at least offer you some peer support.

 

Also see

 

https://www.benzoinfo.com/doctors/

 

https://namihillsborough.org/programs/consumer/ NAMI Connection support group. While NAMI can be pro-drug, local chapters all have their own approaches. It's possible your local NAMI group might be sympathetic.

 

In its provider directory, MadinAmerica.com lists two psychotherapists in Florida. They may know of prescribers near you, or you might get therapeutic support from them.

 

You might phone each of these prescribers and see if any will help you minimize drugs. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/psychiatrists/fl/tampa

 

Other peer support: https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/page/twp-connect

 

Advocacy Center for Persons with Disabilities
http://www.advocacycenter.org
2671 Executive Center Circle West Webster Bldg., Suite 100 Tallahassee, FL 32301-5092 800-342-0823 or 850-488-9071
State Protection and Advocacy Agency
Protection and Advocacy for Individuals with Mental Illness (part of the Advocacy Center)
The PAIMI program was established to protect the statutory and constitutional rights of persons diagnosed as having significant mental illness and who are in treatment facilities and/or residential programs, or people who have a problem that arose within 90 days of discharge from a residential facility. PAIMI is authorized to investigate incidents of abuse and neglect or persons with mental illness and to pursue administrative, legal and other remedies to ensure their protection.

 

17 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

It has been suggested I stop tapering.  What am I to do.  I am not making it on my current dosages.  Now I am being urged to be my mother's POA and health surrogate because others in the family will have her dead soon.  Lots of family dysfunction and stress.  

 

How are you not making it? Are you having sleep problems? What are your other most bothersome symptoms? Are they worse at any particular times of day?

 

I know you have a lot of worries, please let's focus on getting your drug situation straightened out. We may be able to help by changing your drug schedule.

 

15 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

Supplements:

 

1- Calm plus Calcium powder mix added to water maybe 2 to 3X daily (magnesium, vit C, Vit D3, calcium, magnesium, potassium, boron

2- My Kind orgainic Women's Once Daily multivitamin    once daily

3- Super Omega - 3 by Life Extension has EPA/DHA fish oil   2000mg wild fish oil concentrate- 700mg EPA and 500mg DHA = two gel caps daily

4- Adaptocrine (K-2) by Apex Energetics has vit c, Ginseng, ashwagandha, holy basil, rhodioia, eleuthero, pantethineBoerhavia Extract, Betaine HCI, Peptiase      1 capsule daily

5- Raw Calcium by Vitamin Code-Garden of Life, whole food plant formula: Calcium, magnesium, vit. D3, vit K2 MK-7, vit C, Strontium, Boron, Silica, Vanadium, plus raw organic fruit & veggie blend and raw probiotic and enzyme blend       1 capsule daily

6- Vitamin B6, 100mg,    1 tab daily

7- Vitamin D3 125mcg   1 softgel daily

8- Vitamin C 500mg     1 tablet daily

9- Zinc 50mg  1 tablet daily

10- coQ10 100mg    1 softgel daily

11- Best Rest formula by Pure Encapsulations: Vit B6, melatonin, gaba, L-theanine, Valarian Root, Lemon Balm, Hops, Passion Flower, Chamomile    2 capsules at bedtime  --- soon to go back to Valerian Root only because this is too expensive

12- Melatonin: 3mg,    3 tablets at bedtime

...

 

 

Are you feeling any benefit from any of these? Why are you taking 9mg melatonin plus whatever is in "Best Rest"?

 

A good amount of fish oil is about 3,000mg-4,000mg EPA + DHA per day -- 6 of your fish oil capsule.s

 

Sometimes people find B vitamins to be activating. You might stop anything that has a B vitamin in it, including the multivitamin.

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manymoretodays

Hi mom2mkld, @mom2mkld

How are you?

I did see where you mentioned having lot's of work to do, around your dear son, gathering information for court cases and all.

And I just wanted to say that by no means will you have to go backward, with medications and/or treatments from psychiatrists.

 

How does this look to you?  Kind of a sample daily notes, that I worked out from the above information, on your own specifics.  I didn't include any supplements. 

And more comments to you above, and questions from Alto. 

 

8 am-  Lexapro 10 mg

            Klonopin  .93 mg in dose strength,  I worked this out, from the weight of your 2 mg tablet being 0.172g or 172 mg(pw pill weight)

            Allegra 180 mg

Various supplements off and on through the day(in previous post).  And mom,  can you do one of these, a daily note......when you can okay?  And list everything, with the time on the left.  More on how to do this in my post to you here

This will help us, help you, when the time seems good for you.

8 pm- Klonopin 1.84 mg in dose strength.

 

(and I am just listing here, for future reference, that you got a weight of 0.172 g or 172 mg(pw pill weight)/ 2 mg(ai active ingredient) Klonopin)'

This will help us keep on top of your actual dosage.

 

And good, good that you have been able to get down from 4 mg of Klonopin, or avoid taking as much as they have prescribed. 

 

* 2019 July 6- Lexapro 10 mg

  2019 December 20-  pm Klonopin decreased to 1.84 mg (approximately 4% taper) of the 8 pm dose, Total daily dose Klonopin 2.77 mg.

@Shep  Can you take a look at the above?  And check my math too, on weight to dose strength.  mom2mkld is wondering about spacing of doses of Klonopin.  Thank you.

 

And there is no doubt in my mind, that you are going through some WD(withdrawal) symptoms now.  And have been for some time.  Which can make things very hard and difficult. 

And then there is all your obligations right now, being the only caretaker really for your son.  I would, if I were you, sure not take on any additional responsibilities, if you can help it.

You are into WDsyndrome, mom.  Take it easy on yourself is all I am saying.  Many of your symptoms can be explained by WDsyndrome.  We get it.

 

We usually have members HOLD for at least 4-6 weeks, between tapers.

 

And then, as far as your whole history goes, with these medications.........you summed that up here:

On 2/4/2020 at 6:34 PM, mom2mkld said:

1- I was started on high doses of xanax in 1997 and continued until they switched me to 4mg klonopin in 2013 during a hospitalization.  CT off xanax for a few days which I thought I was going to die.  Then Klonopin, which has wreaked havoc in my life and mind and body.  

 

2- Besides these two benzos, doctors have tried their "cocktails" on me.  I do not remember every drugs, but these I remember:

    First, the xanax and the klonopin.  Plus they have pulled me off, put me on, rearranged etc over and over the following drugs:  remeron, cymbalta, zyprexa, celexa, serzone, brintellix (I think they renamed trintellix), lexapro, effexor, prozac, trazadone, abilify, wellbutrin, ritalin, seroquel, latuda, pristiq, melatonin, ambien, paxil, zoloft, vistaril, vyvanse, lamictal, cogentin, rexulti, and more.  I cannot remember all.  Life is a blur for these past almost 25 years of polydrugging.

 

No doubt that life is a blur sometimes with all that ^.

 

There is hope mom2mkld.  And I hope something lightens up with your situations and all very soon. 

 

Meantime, can you go ahead and do another day of notes, with time on the left, drugs, name and dosages, supplements, and then symptoms throughout the day?  Keep it as simple as possible.   Just try to post one day for now, with symptoms too, as they occur.

 

I know it's real hard right now and hoping you are getting just a few moments anyway of peace and calm.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

 

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays
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Shep
On 2/6/2020 at 7:51 PM, mom2mkld said:

2-  Klonopin (Clonazepam)       1 tablet = 2mg and weighs about 0.172g on the Gemini 20 scale        I take less than half a pill which weighs 0.080g on the gemini

 

On 2/6/2020 at 7:51 PM, mom2mkld said:

1- Klonopin (Clonazepan)      1 tablet = 2mg and weighs about 0.172g on the Gemini 20 scale       I shave off enough to where it weighs 0.158g.  

 

16 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

Klonopin  .93 mg in dose strength,  I worked this out, from the weight of your 2 mg tablet being 0.172g or 172 mg(pw pill weight)

 

 2019 December 20-  pm Klonopin decreased to 1.84 mg (approximately 4% taper) of the 8 pm dose, Total daily dose Klonopin 2.77 mg.

@Shep  Can you take a look at the above?  And check my math too, on weight to dose strength.  

 

.080 / .172 = .465,     .465 x 2 = .93

.158 / .172 = .919,     .919 x 2 = 1.84

 

.93 + .184 = 2.77 mg

 

@manymoretodays Yes, your math is correct. 

 

@mom2mkld I applaud you for what you're doing for your son. But let's focus on your own health and get you strong enough to be an advocate both for your son and for yourself. 

 

16 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

mom2mkld is wondering about spacing of doses of Klonopin. 

 

Klonopin has a half-life of 18 - 50 hours, so dosing twice a day should work well. However, I am concerned about a drug interaction between Klonopin and Lexapro. Please see:

 

Drug Interaction Report - Klonopin, Lexapro, Allegra

 

Mom2mkld, you may want to space the Klonopin and Lexapro at least two hours apart. This will help with any interactions. 

 

Please note I've done a short signature based on what you've posted so far. If there are any corrections or if you'd like to add to it, you can go directly to your signature by clicking this link:

 

Account Settings - Create or Update Your Signature

 

I'm concerned about your supplements. Several of them affect GABA receptors, which are also affected by benzodiazepines such as Klonopin. These include Valerian Root, Lemon Balm, Passion Flower, and Chamomile. 

 

You may be getting some paradoxical reactions from these. This is common when you dampen down the nervous system - it fights to stay alert. These creates a hyper-reactive nervous system. Also, your melatonin dose is high, which may be causing problems. Please see:

 

Melatonin

 

It will really help us guide you in your taper if you could do a daily drug and symptoms journal. MMT posted about that earlier in your thread here:

 

MMT's post on how to do a drug and symptoms journal

 

It may also help you stay organized. As you post this daily, we can go through it with you and help you set up a strategy for coming off these drugs. Just post the time of day, the name of the drug and the dose, and how you feel before and after you take each drug. Please also include your supplements and how much you sleep each night. 

 

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mom2mkld

Hello - I am sorry but still overwhelmed.  I barely get through my days.  It is difficult to explain.  I lose hours and days.  My brain is not functioning. I am not functioning well. I attend to the urgent often. I will try to answer some question and will try starting a log tomorrow.

 

To Administrator: 

NAMI is no good in my area.  I have tried.  NAMI is pro-drugs. My son and I are both terrified of forced hospitalizatioin because of traumautic experiences. NAMI scares me. 

I need to check out benzowise doctors and the other list of doctors you gave me.

MAD in America - talked with both and cannot help me. 

I found no connection in innercompass - I tried emailing people.  No one close to me and not much response. I can keep trying.  I forget - my brain is not working.  So much to do.  urgent gets my attention.

Advocacy Center: no - we trust no government agency anymore.  We have run into a mafia as I call it.  My son has an attorney.  I need to possibly reach out to the Advocacy center.  Maybe- after this trauma PTSD type stuff -- extreme fear -- is gone.  I've been yelled at, intimidated, threatened, pushed around, false documentation, ambushed, harassassed by many "so called" people and agencies who are supposed to treat and/or advocate for mentally ill or disabled.  I cannot take it anymore.  My son has an attorney.  That is all I can handle right now.  At the beginning of all this, I was so motivated that I spent my every moment writing agencies, people, government officials, etc etc etc, newspapers, news agencies... I can no longer do this.  I can barely get anything done anymore.

 

Ok, sorry, but I took notes and am just answering or responding here now:

 

4-6 weeks?  I have been holding since 12-19-2019.  That is last reduction.  I had such  a severe problem with constant, daily, strong, severe suicidal thoughts for weeks and weeks - I cannot remember how long. That was scary.  So now afraid to reduce again.  But I am not doing well.  I have to get off.  Was extremely desperate -- horrible for weeks.  Do not want to go back to that.

 

Thank you -- will space the lexapro at least 2 hours after klonopin

 

Melatonin - cannot sleep is why I take it.  But I do wake up very sad and have horrible nightmares.  Need to work on not using so much.

 

Fish Oil - Will try to increase.  Money is an issue.  But if I get rid of other supplements - maybe take more fish oil.

 

Vitamin B, will stop.  Really want to take my multivitamin - I cannot take niacin.  Tried that before and I turn beet read and severe itching for about an hour.

 

Today, I switched back to Claritin because I ran out of Allegra and I used to be on Claritin.  Allegra was an accidental purchase.  Have been without allegra a few days.  Very itchy tonight. 

 

Most bothersome symptoms:

 

Crying about everything

Cannot handle any stress or much activity 

Cannot think - hard to explain - move so slowly and brain thinks super slow. Memory seems to be shot

Not organized at all.  Thinking unorganized which slows me down - racing - house a mess, paperwork a mess - cannot get orgnized

Severe exhaustion all the time. Can barely shower and never fix myself up anymore. can't get out for a haircut

Cannot even accomplish daily tasks -- shower, grocery shop, cook, clean.  Only on occassion.

Memory problems, even forgetting simple words while talking or writing

My sleep is all over the place.  I sleep whenever I am able because I am so thankful to get sleep.  

When I sleep - awful nightmares that I feel I am still in upon waking which causes depression and anxiety

Tightness of chest - anxiety-- impending doom almost all the time

Severe depression

Often feel I am going to lose my mind and end up in a hospital and not able to help son - he will die if I am not here for him - seriously 

No purpose in life

Crying in public even 

Hard to get out

No energy

Joint pain

Migraines at times

Feeling so old - looking old - feeling my life is over

Not able to work or socialize.  Only get out for son.  Now mom needing me.

Irritable - angry with myself mostly because I am not living

I am always tired although cannot sleep

Not consistent with anything lately - I just am overwhelmed with everything - just with life.  I will try to get consistent with schedule of drugs.

Physically weak - just compared to 3 years ago

 

Sorry if this is not what you need.  I am so tired right now.  Have to sign off.

 

Hope I remember everything tomorrow

 

Ran my son around most the day today - tomorrow I should have some time - Friday my son has a test in the hospital cardiology.  

 

Any time I have to do things - go out - even a little errand - it takes my entire day.  I can only do one thing a day and then sometimes need days of rest after doing an errand.  I do not understand that.  Sometimes, lately  lots of pressure and I am not getting the days of rest that I need.  So I go overboard with crying and stress and husband gets mad and yells which does not help.  goodnigh.

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mom2mkld

Will try a stress reduction group that I found on meetup next Monday.  But it is an hour's drive away and rush hour traffic may make it worse.  Do not know if I will be able to do that.

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Shep
10 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

Will try a stress reduction group that I found on meetup next Monday.  But it is an hour's drive away and rush hour traffic may make it worse.  Do not know if I will be able to do that.

 

You may find what you need online and not have to add a lengthy drive into your day.

 

There are many ideas in the non-drug coping section and you can find YouTube videos with guided meditations that can be very relaxing. No need to leave home to participate. 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

This is a short video that can help when you feel overwhelmed and you just need to stop everything and breathe. 

 

The Breathing Space by Jon Kabat Zinn video (4 minutes)

 

And a great video to listen to at bedtime to stop intrusive thoughts:

 

Guided Meditation Deep sleep | anxiety and insomnia relief | relaxation before bedtime video (21 minutes)

 

If these don't speak to you, there are many more on YouTube to explore. 

 

I know you have a lot to do for your son, but do take some time for your own self care. It's important. 

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mom2mkld

I am completely stressed out.  I think I need to cancel a tilt table test that is scheduled for tomorrow at 1:30pm for my son.  I do not want him in a hospital nor do I want them to give him any IV medications, which they may during a tilt table test.  

 

Tried to do a schedule  Will look back up above for template.

 

02-12-2020

10:00PM   I tried taking only one capsule of Best Rest because I am very low

 

02-13-2020

1:30AM   Still awake, so I took a 2nd capsule of Best Rest and soon fell asleep

                  Not good sleep as I kept waking and sleeping throughout the night.

7:00AM   Klonopin 0.93mg taken, very tired, stayed in bed and slept off and on again

9:37AM   Lexapro 10mg taken, very tired and weak, stayed in bed - same thing - crazy dreams as usual

11:30AM  Made myself get up for son's sake. Otherwise would just stay in bed. Empty dishwasher, two cups of coffee, tired and sad. My son just lying in bed awake. 

12:00PM   Water some plants, fighting severe depression, very worried about my son, little food in house to eat

2:30PM     Ate banana and a small cup of chicken soup, I am now beside myself with anxiety.  I skipped out on all my vitamins yesterday.  But right now I take:

                   2 fish oil caps

                   1 multivitamin

                   1 Vit D3

                   1 Calcium- magnesium cap

                   1 Adaptogen cap

                   1 CoQ10

                   1 Zinc

                   1  Vit C

                   I feel so awful. This is when I used to stay in bed all the time but now my son is here and I have to force myself to be up. 

2:37PM   No food for him. He wants me to take him to Chick-fil-A,  I do not want to leave house. Need shower and need haircut. But I go through drive through for him. Plus, I started crying in the car, with him in the car, on the way home.  

4:29PM   I am stressing about tilt table test scheduled for him for tomorrow.  Watched a video about it.  Decided it is too much for him after everything he has suffered in hospital already. Do not want them giving him an meds via IV.  Completely stressed.  

 

thought about raking yard, thought about taking a walk.  Sitting in here stressed.  That's about it for now.  

 

I do not know how I am going to get off meds.  Did anyone else here ever suffer horrible suicidal thoughts upon reducing?  It was awful last time I reduced on 12-19-2019.  Weeks of it. I am not so bad now. Do not want to experience that again.  I need people around me, and support and friends.  I feel so alone and isolated.

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mom2mkld

I am also feeling lost in this site.  I cannot read much and there is so much to read.  I used to eat everything up.  But I am now completely overwhelmed with information and just have not even been able to concentrate or organized myself to read everything that has been given to me   I am sorry.  I feel overwhelmed.  

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mom2mkld

I need a haircut.  Besides not showering much, I have not had a haircut since before the holidays.  I am so embarrassed that I cannot handle such simple tasks such as getting my hair cut.  I would look more human if I would get my hair cut and fix my hair.  I used to look nice.  I cannot get myself to get out for a haircut.  Last haircut was a disaster cut, ugly, because I tried someone close to home.  The person who usually cuts it is a 45 min drive and she does not understand the anxiety I experience.  She takes paxil herself since high school, but sees nothing wrong with it.  I just cannot get myself to get my hair cut and I look terrible.  

need to cancel the tilt test but it is for tomorrow.   probably too late.  

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FarmGirlWorks

@mom2mkld, just want to say welcome and you do have a lot going on just for you and you are also taking care of your son. You are so strong to be doing this. Regarding haircuts: I cut my own for a long time (and it looked it sometimes) but that was all I could manage. So if you can't make it for a haircut, don't worry about it. It'll get better in time. And there is A LOT on this site. I've probably read only 1% of it over several years. It is normal!

Edited by FarmGirlWorks

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mom2mkld

I have cut my own hair as well.  I would like to feel good about my hair, but I suppose I should just cut my hair.  
 

thank you for the welcome 

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manymoretodays

Hi Mom,

There's a ton of great stuff here:  Important topics about symptoms , including sleep problems

Scroll on down the list to Demotivation and Emotional Anesthesia, and maybe you'll find some comfort in reading others experiences with similar symptoms to yours.  There may be some coping skills that you might like too.

 

5 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I am also feeling lost in this site.  I cannot read much and there is so much to read.  I used to eat everything up.  But I am now completely overwhelmed with information and just have not even been able to concentrate or organized myself to read everything that has been given to me   I am sorry.  I feel overwhelmed.  

 

There's so much going on for you right now and no doubt you ARE experiencing some WD symptoms from that last cut.  So just look at what you can, when you can.  Try and do a whole 24 hours of notes next.  You actually did really well with your first try.  And it's okay to just HOLD steady with present medications for right now.

 

5 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

 1 Calcium- magnesium cap

Magnesium can be very calming and is one of the 2 supplements that we do recommend.  Unfortunately when it is taken with Calcium that can cancel out the magnesium effect.

So......when you can, take a look at at least the first post here:  Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

And then you could slowly add in a straight magnesium supplement, throughout the day.  It might help.  It's fairly inexpensive too.  Do you have more natural food stores, that carry supplements that you use?  Either that, or you might try an online supplier.

 

It sounds okay to me, that you did not take your son for the tilt test, that required IV medications too.  I can understand your having concerns.

5 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I do not know how I am going to get off meds.  Did anyone else here ever suffer horrible suicidal thoughts upon reducing?  It was awful last time I reduced on 12-19-2019.  Weeks of it. I am not so bad now. Do not want to experience that again.  I need people around me, and support and friends.  I feel so alone and isolated.

I'm so glad that you are feeling at least, a little better now since your last reduction.  Try and stay in today, as much as possible for now.  It might be a long haul, but I think that you may be able to get off medications at some point in the future.  It's not good to rush into it, or do it too fast.  We really take a harm reduction approach to reducing and then eventually getting off medications.  In hopes that members can avoid getting into horrible WD's, which you have already experienced.

 

We usually go with having members reduce the more activating medication first, which for you would be the Lexapro.  Looks like you've just gotten the Lexapro spaced from your Klonopin now.  Which is good.  Let's see how you settle in with that change now.  Try notes again.  When you can.  And then with the whole 24 hours, including supplements like you did.

 

You are doing better than you think you are here mom, or at least I think you are doing pretty well.  And focus now on looking at some of the non-drug coping self care that you can do.  Shep gave you some good links and you can check out the indexed list too, that I gave you at the top of this post.

And then just review some of the previous posts to you too.  You are off to a great start........all things considered.

 

Best,

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

And edited in:  Great mom2,  I see the rest of your notes for today!  Good job!

Edited by manymoretodays

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mom2mkld

5:00pm. Cancelled appt for son 

                Fighting depression all day. 
                Cannot get anything done

7:30pm.  Made rice

8:00pm.   Took 1.84mg Klonopin   

                   Took 10mg Claritin   

                    So tired, but made chicken because husband was mad that I didn’t cook. 
talked with mom she is struggling 

10:18pm. Since eating small plate of food, stomach bloated. I look pregnant.  Stomach hurts.  I’ve only had this bloated problem the last couple years. Not used to this. 
 

10:20pm. Will soon take 2 capsules of Best Rest and I will attempt only 6mg melatonin.  I just ate three Tums.  Maybe I’ll take colace.  Going to lie down soon.  

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manymoretodays
5 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

02-12-2020

10:00PM   I tried taking only one capsule of Best Rest because I am very low

 

02-13-2020

1:30AM   Still awake, so I took a 2nd capsule of Best Rest and soon fell asleep

                  Not good sleep as I kept waking and sleeping throughout the night.

7:00AM   Klonopin 0.93mg taken, very tired, stayed in bed and slept off and on again

9:37AM   Lexapro 10mg taken, very tired and weak, stayed in bed - same thing - crazy dreams as usual

11:30AM  Made myself get up for son's sake. Otherwise would just stay in bed. Empty dishwasher, two cups of coffee, tired and sad. My son just lying in bed awake. 

12:00PM   Water some plants, fighting severe depression, very worried about my son, little food in house to eat

2:30PM     Ate banana and a small cup of chicken soup, I am now beside myself with anxiety.  I skipped out on all my vitamins yesterday.  But right now I take:

                   2 fish oil caps

                   1 multivitamin

                   1 Vit D3

                   1 Calcium- magnesium cap

                   1 Adaptogen cap

                   1 CoQ10

                   1 Zinc

                   1  Vit C

                   I feel so awful. This is when I used to stay in bed all the time but now my son is here and I have to force myself to be up. 

2:37PM   No food for him. He wants me to take him to Chick-fil-A,  I do not want to leave house. Need shower and need haircut. But I go through drive through for him. Plus, I started crying in the car, with him in the car, on the way home.  

4:29PM   I am stressing about tilt table test scheduled for him for tomorrow.  Watched a video about it.  Decided it is too much for him after everything he has suffered in hospital already. Do not want them giving him an meds via IV.  Completely stressed.  

 

3 minutes ago, mom2mkld said:

5:00pm. Cancelled appt for son 

                Fighting depression all day. 
                Cannot get anything done

7:30pm.  Made rice

8:00pm.   Took 1.84mg Klonopin   

                   Took 10mg Claritin   

                    So tired, but made chicken because husband was mad that I didn’t cook. 
talked with mom she is struggling 

10:18pm. Since eating small plate of food, stomach bloated. I look pregnant.  Stomach hurts.  I’ve only had this bloated problem the last couple years. Not used to this. 
 

10:20pm. Will soon take 2 capsules of Best Rest and I will attempt only 6mg melatonin.  I just ate three Tums.  Maybe I’ll take colace.  Going to lie down soon.  

 

I just put the whole 24 hours all together in this post.

mmt

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mom2mkld

I am tired of feeling bad all the time.  Having a tough day

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