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mom2mkld

2-14-2020

 

7:00am.  Klonopin 0.93mg

                 1 cup coffee

                  Reading about son’s health issues 

                  Tired

9:25am.   Lexapro.  10mg

                  Showered

                  Drove to “family” house to help mom, cleaned her bathroom, helped her sort through stuff, prepare for realtor to take pictures.  Emotional.  Very tired 

12:30pm.  Drove home very depressed, took son to two different Walmart stores for car covers. 

2:30.  Home. So sad. Called husband at work. Wish he were here.  Very tired.  Going to lie down.  My son doesn’t do anything anymore such as go on walks with me, work out. Etc. I am feeling weak.  Lying down. Feel so alone

5:00pm. Woke up to alarm to give son meds.  Heart beating fast and very tight chest.  Give meds. Go back to bed.  Very depressed 

Empty

Alone

Miss my life 

I’m gone- between these drugs and seeing a hospital attempting to murder my son has destroyed me.  I don’t even look like

myself anymore.  Tight chest. 

 

6:30pm.  Drank some pure magnesium citrate powder that does not dissolve well in water.  It didn’t help.  I feel awful.  Tight chest.  Crying.  Called my daughter in Ohio and cried on her voicemail.  She sent a text.  She’s out eating.  

Saw pictures of me and my son just 2 years ago- 2018 - Valentines Day- we both looked great. I’m a complete mess now. 

 

Took none of my other supplements today. I’m so discouraged. I cannot read all the stuff I should read on here and elsewhere. 

 

7:30pm  Took a walk with my husband for about 1-2 hour.  I cried.  

 

8:00pm. Went with husband and son for ice cream 

9:00pm. Took 2.77mg klonopin 

                Took 10mg Claritin 

10:30pm.  Took 1 Best Rest cap

                   Took 9mg melatonin 

Lying down 

 

Took none of my other supplements today. I’m so discouraged. I cannot read all the stuff I should read on here and elsewhere. 

 

7:30pm  Took a walk with my husband for about 1-2 hour.  I cried.  

 

8:00pm. Went with husband and son for ice cream 

9:00pm. Took 1.84mg klonopin 

                Took 10mg Claritin 

10:30pm.  Took 1 Best Rest cap

                   Took 9mg melatonin 

Lying down 

 

my husband’s brother in town. Do not want to see anyone. I’ve let myself fall apart.  
 

im not sure if I’m suffering trauma or WD.   Or what is wrong.  

Edited by manymoretodays
reduced font size to 14, for ease of reading

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mom2mkld

I’ve been crying but I have no energy or motivation. It’s as if I have no feelings other than sadness.  Relationships suffer and I don’t take care of myself.  

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Shep

Mom2mkld, do you feel like you're over-drugged with the daytime Klonopin? Does the .93 mg Klonopin in the morning feel very sedating? 

 

I'm wondering if reducing the supplements you are taking at night first and then moving part of your morning Klonopin dose to night to help with sleep may work best before you begin tapering the antidepressant. 

 

Since benzos are nervous system depressants, they cause depression. I'm getting a strong vibe from your symptoms notes that you're over-drugged during the day, but I'd like to know what you think. 

 

On 2/13/2020 at 10:22 PM, mom2mkld said:

10:20pm. Will soon take 2 capsules of Best Rest and I will attempt only 6mg melatonin.

 

9 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

10:30pm.  Took 1 Best Rest cap

                   Took 9mg melatonin 

 

Please be consistent with your supplements. Your nervous system is really needing consistency and stability. And if you opt to reduce these nighttime supplements and move part of your morning Klonopin to the evening to help with sleep, it's very important that you're being consistent. 

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mom2mkld

Hello Shep,

 

I am not sure if I am overdrugged or not.  I have heard that fatigue is part of WD.  I go through spurts of not sleeping.  Lately I have been able to sleep at nights.  I am very thankful for that.  Sometimes that happens even when I do not change anything.  For a long time after last reduction, I was only sleeping 3 hours per night. That was awful as I do not do well on little or no sleep.    I could try switching some of my morning dose to nighttime.  Especially since I am soon to run out of the Best Rest.  I am so glad I am sleeping at night that I do not want that to stop.  I am running out of and having to reduce my Best Rest, that is why I increased melatonin.  I could go to an integrateive pharmacy around the corner and pick up some RelaxMax.  The woman gave that to me a long time ago to sleep.  But I ordered Best Rest but it will not be here until at least Thursday and I only have 2 capsules left.  I need my sleep.  I already took my Klonopin for the AM, so I could reduce tomorrow.  Do you have a suggestion on how much to switch from AM to PM?  

 

I will try adding a sheet of ingredients for the RelaxMax - but I see it has gaba in it also.  So, probably not good for me?  Thank you for your help.  I appreciate everyone who is taking the time to help.  This is difficult.  

Life makes no sense to me.  I can find no purpose.  I am only a burden to everyone.  I do not like who I have become.

This is where I can often spiral down to not wanting to life and stuff like that.  But my husband is very worried that if I even say anything like that, cops are going to show up to drag me away to psych ward.  I am not suicidal - so do not need to be dragged to psych ward.  Just doing what I can each day 

RelaxMax (RV)_DRS222_111716_FINAL_CC.pdf

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Shep

Please do not make any changes to the Klonopin yet. Eventually, you may want to move part of the morning dose to evening and the best way to do this is by gradually moving it one hour a day. Gradual moves are easiest on your nervous system. But again, please don't do that yet. 

 

The goal is to reduce the night-time supplements first. Reducing the melatonin would be a good first start, since you are taking 9 mg.

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mom2mkld

The depression and fatigue is awful today 

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mom2mkld

2-15-2020

 

Slept 8 hours with crazy dreams as usual. I wake up feeling exhausted from the dreams.  But have to get up to give son meds, so often stay up. Stayed up today. Alone. Feel so alone. Son sleeping and he’s just drugged up and it makes me sad. Husband at work. As usual. I’m alone. I hate being alone all the time. But make no efforts to get out or make friends.  I’ve tried in the past.  Took out garbage, replanted a plant. 

 

7:00AM.  Took 0.93mg Klonopin 

8:00AM.   1 cup coffee

                  1 glass vegan protein shake with banana, strawberries and blueberries added

 

She’s says I may be overdrugged during the day.  Maybe I am because I have to force myself to do everything and actually feel like going back to bed right now. 

 

I worry that Dr Breggin says that Clozapine is just basically giving my son a chemical lobotomy.  I worry that he’s on Effexor which causes suicidal and homicidal ideation.  He had a horrible suicide attempt in 2016.  Awful. Amazing this kid is alive. He was 40 days in medical unit with trach and feeding tubes.  I had to fly from FL to OH to be with him.  Been through so much with him.  Why I am so afraid for his life. He had much better care in OH than FL.  FL has been a nightmare!

                  

9:00AM. Took

                 2 fish oil caps

                 1 multivitamin 

                 1 adaptogen cap

                 1 calcium/mag cap for my bones

                 1 CO Q10 softgel 

                 1 vit D

                 1 vit C

                 1 Zinc

Another cup of coffee

10:00.  Took 10mg Lexapro 

 

Ordered a birthday gift for sister

Ordered paper products from amazon - had gift card

Looked at Fit for Life foods since I don’t cook. Need nourishment. Store close by.  Too tired to go to store. 

Printed something for attorney- need to fax - too tired to go to staples. 

12:00noon lying down. Son still sleeping 

12:42pm.  In bed awake.  So unproductive. Isolated. Son still sleeping.  Want to get out and get things done. Need haircut. Just exhausted and lying here. Frustrating. No life this is no way to live. 

1:53pm. Can’t stand how I feel. Will try to sleep so I don’t feel.  Maybe the supplements make me feel this awful 

 

2:00pm. Called in to group on zoom.  Stayed until 6:00pm.  Reduced anxiety- that’s why I stayed so long.  Had to leave to go get food for my son.  

 

6:00pm-7:00pm.  Took son for food at Pei Wei 

 

8:45pm. Took 1.84mg klonopin 

                Took 10mg Claritin 

 

Brother-in-law will be in town tomorrow.  I have dishes in sink. No shower in days. My husband told him I don’t feel well and they’ll just meet up somewhere.  I feel terrible. His family doesn’t understand. Maybe I’ll be able to get up.  

 

Scary when I don’t feel anything but empty.  I wonder if I’ve done the wrong thing here by trying to get off meds. It could be what I’ve been through with my son and I am experiencing PTSD severely.  I don’t know what this is. I’ve never felt so badly in my life. I don’t know if I’m going to make it.  My husband works 6 days a week, 12-14 hour days. He is a mechanic. He just got home and is in excruciating pain.  Between 45 years hard labor and a car accident- he’ll be 60 this year, his body is falling apart. I didn’t even get the dishes done today.  Or food made.  There are left overs. But he’s not even hungry.  

 

Watched a basketball slam dunk contest with my son and husband.  

 

10:41PM. Took on Best Rest (I’m used to taking two).  Have only one more left until Thursday     

                 Took 9mg melatonin (will take less when I get my Best Rest stuff delivered. 

 

We’ll see what I can do tomorrow 

Edited by manymoretodays
reduced font size to 14, for ease of reading

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manymoretodays
12 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I worry that Dr Breggin says that Clozapine is just basically giving my son a chemical lobotomy.  I worry that he’s on Effexor which causes suicidal and homicidal ideation.  He had a horrible suicide attempt in 2016.  Awful. Amazing this kid is alive. He was 40 days in medical unit with trach and feeding tubes.  I had to fly from FL to OH to be with him.  Been through so much with him.  Why I am so afraid for his life. He had much better care in OH than FL.  FL has been a nightmare!

 

Hi mom2mkld,

Good job with the notes, and also a good beginning in your own self care.  It is.......so very important to take care of oneself, as then it WILL help when it comes to the others, that we care so much about.  And I think, for now, sorting out things, with your own medications, is self care.  You don't have to rush into anything.......as far as tapering, or "getting off meds" goes.  Just keep the notes coming.......and try to keep an ear open, as far as "suggestions" here go.

Keep the notes coming.  You've got the hang of it now!

 

I think when you feel ready and able, or even if, perhaps your son would like to post on his own, you could at that time go ahead, and start an introduction for him.  Or he could, with your help, as I know it can be very hard to navigate here, on arrival.   Just copy on over some of what you put in your very first post around his situation.  If he wants to wait too, on getting started here.......that's fine too.  The door is always open.  And my gosh, he's been through so much already.  I could certainly understand if he just wants or needs to hold steady for now, as much as possible.  You can use drugs.com to check on, or check out some of his potential drug interactions.  https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html

And you can use drugs.com as a beginning resource to, to check out any medication.  You just put the medication by name in the top search box there, to learn more about it.

 

And so glad to hear you are getting some of your own support needs met now.  As well as dealing, dealing, dealing with all that needs to be done now, in the way of getting some justice for your son.

I honestly think, mom2mkld, that it is a mix of everything right now.  Everything matters, you know.  And yes, trauma is at play here, and post trauma, and medication(s) and actions of, and WD(withdrawal).  I think we can help a little bit.  I wish.....I so wish, sometimes that we could just undo the past.......unfortunately, we can't.........but we can help with the present. 

 

The state of your dishes, or housework, or so many other things.......is just not of the upmost importance right now.  I mean I have been there.  And in the long run, in retrospect, I realized, and or/realize (present time), that as long as I take care of me, and relationships with significant others........that is what is most important! 

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

and gentle hugs too  (((m2mkld))

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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mom2mkld

Manymoretodays, 

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am scared because I have people depending on me and I cannot go down. But I must take one day at a time.  
 

I think, at times, I am more aware. I am also feeling that I have aged a lot.  My mind is not as sharp as once was, but I believe my brain can heal. Even though I often times feel so hopeless. 
 

My family (my children and husband) want me to be POA and health surrogate for my mother. It is a long sad story about my oldest sister who wants control.  It’s not a responsibility that I want, but, I guess I need to do it if she agrees.  
 

I am only awake now because the garbage man knocked the mailbox off and has come twice to the door already- I told him no problem.  But I’m so tired.  Took klonopin for today already. I will put up yesterday’s schedule.  
 

My son has to get through some stuff. There is so much more to his story. But hoping by May or so he will be ready.  Possibly. He is still recovering, but I think the Clozapine is aggravating heart issues- hoping they clear up once he gets off.  He is a bit stubborn and thinks it will be no big deal to just stop his meds.  He doesn’t understand.  I do not want to scare him but he needs to be well educated before attempting to get off these meds.  I don’t know if he would survive another hospitalization.  I might lie back down for now. I’m so tired.  I’ll put up yesterday’s schedule.  Yesterday was lots of discussion about my mother and family.   I still feel I’ll have no support at all from family.  

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mom2mkld

2-16-2020

 

Strange dreams all night 

 

7:00am   0.93mg Klonopin 

                 Fell back asleep

10:00am  10mg Lexapro 

                  Brother-in-law not coming but daughter and family coming because house showing. Picking up house. Still need a shower. Days without a shower. 

11:00am 2 cups coffee

                1 protein drink with banana and berries in it. 

 

1:14pm.  Family drama - stressful 

Showered

Cooked for family 

Talked with family 

Had campfire and made S’mores

 

9:00pm Took 1.84mg Klonopin 

               took 10mg Claritin 

 

9:30pm Watching basketball with husband and son. 

 

11:00pm Took 1 Best Rest (last one because I ordered late) 

                Took 9mg melatonin ( until I get more Best Rest)

 

Kept waking up throughout the night. Not good sleep. Strange dreams.  
 

I need to catch up on reading suggestions on here.  I am sorry. My family and son taking all energy I have lately.  I know I must work on lowering melatonin.  Will do it when I get my Best Rest in the Mail.  
 

I took none of my vitamins again. Sometimes they make me feel nauseous so I avoid them.  
 

exhausted right now have to go.  
 

thank God no migraines for awhile.  

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mom2mkld

2-17-2020

 

7:00am. 0.63mg klonopin 

                Exhausted but immediately hit with problems.  Garbage man knocking on my door.  Family calling and texting from about 8am.  Just stopped now at 1:30pm. Hit with problems and put downs. 

 

Kept cleaning during this time because I was so upset I used energy to clean.  

 

11:45am.  Took 10mg lexapro 

 

1:30pm.  Just now ate something- a shake with bananas and berries.  

 

Need to get stuff done for son but tired and lying in bed.  He’s still in bed.  

 

Why do I have to gather all his medical records? Why not the attorney? 

 

Exhausted, stressed out.   Depressed.  I need to do stuff.  Maybe tomorrow.  Can’t deal with attorney today 

 

But tomorrow I have to take mom to be assessed at ALF.  tired

 

This is when I call my husband at work and bother him.  I need help. I need someone here to help me get things done.  I’m not making it. 

 

No supplements 

 

Called in to group.  Late.  

 

I am discouraged today.  My problem is probably that o expect too much.  I don’t know.  

 

9:00pm. Took 1.84mg klonopin 

 

Will try to sleep.  If no sleep will take melatonin.  Ran out of best rest supplement.  

 

Need rest to help my mother tomorrow.  

 

sorry so big.  I write this in my notes section of my phone throughout the day.  I’ll see if I can make smaller.  
 

feeling so overwhelmed right now.  Goodnight 

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Rozon1

Hey I just wanted to stop by and say you’re a strong person and I am happy you’re going strong for you and your son. 
 

I pray that this will continue to get better for you. 

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Shep
On 2/15/2020 at 10:46 PM, mom2mkld said:

1 glass vegan protein shake with banana, strawberries and blueberries added

 

Mom2mkld, are you a vegan?

 

The reason I ask is that you mentioned stopping the supplements. We don't recommend suddenly stopping supplements unless they're causing an adverse reaction and if you are a vegan, you may need some of them, especially vitamin B12. 

 

9 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

If no sleep will take melatonin.  Ran out of best rest supplement.  

 

You're making too many changes. I know you can't help stopping a supplement you ran out of, but please be as consistent as you can with the supplements you do have. This will help you in the long run. Your nervous system is needing stability and consistency. 

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mom2mkld

Hello Shep,

 

I will be more consistent with supplements. Although I am not vegan, I’ve been using a plant based protein shake for a few years from NuLife Herbs called Matrix Meal. The man who sells it changed the formula and it has hemp in it now. Not sure I want hemp in my house right now. Trying a new shake sample. I try to eat more vegetables and fruits and little meat. No shake left.  Will probably have oatmeal later for breakfast with fruit.  
 

I am up now with a sore throat, so I just took my two fish oil caps- have not increased to four yet. And I took vitamin C. I’m also going to drink some Air Borne. I will take the rest of my supplements with food. 
 

I did not write out yesterday’s schedule. It was a hectic day for me. I’m actually being forced out of my comfort zone. I used to mostly stay home- alone- in bed most days. Son came home in October 2018- have had to force myself to be more active for him. Yet both he and I have been less active lately.  Now my mother is needing me. She wants me to be her POA and health care Surrogate- a responsibility I do not want but I feel I need to do it for her. She said she would list my husband as 2nd and my oldest daughter as third. There is much family drama. This all will be difficult for me.  I am not sure how much or when I will be able to reduce again. Yesterday was the longest my son has had to be home alone since he came home. He usually doesn’t like being alone. I had to leave the house at 9:00am and didn’t get home until 4:00pm. 
 

Going on memory:

 

2-18-2020

 

7:00am 0.93mg Klonopin   

               2 cups coffee

Had to ignore feelings and fatigue to get my mother to an appointment.  It turned out to be all day. I showered and fixed myself up as well as possible. I need a haircut and some clothes that fit.  I have a mediation to attend for my son’s lawsuit next month and an administrative hearing to attend in April, so need some decent clothes. (Plus need to gather paperwork and get organized for those dates)  I’ve put on weight since 2017- so not much fits at all. I just don’t care nor have I had the energy to get hair cut or shop for clothes etc. Do anything. But I’m going to have to do something.  

 

9:00am. Took 10mg lexapro and left for mom’s. 
 

long day and was so tired.  Lots of anxiety because my sisters have forced her to move into an ALF (she hasn’t moved yet) and I am not sure this will be good for her. Neither is she.  She has been bullied into it. I was at the ALF most the day with her. It seems restrictive.  But I’ve seen the worst of the worst- hard for me to trust healthcare in this country.  My father was basically euthanized- it was awful.  Trying to stop this from happening to my mother.  Long story- but he was not dying, not terminal. They even put wrong DX/cause of death on his death certificate to “explain” his death. Although he was fully conscious, had his mind, not on life support, no terminal illness,  he was never asked what he wanted. He was just put to death.  
 

Sometimes I do not know how I will be able to help son and mom. I take one day at a time.  I will need help.  
 

I am sorry but I did not take my supplements yesterday. Will need to get back on track today.  
 

My son is playing basketball in a league. So my husband and I went with him to watch him play at 7:30pm.  It was a competitive game. I do not like that a member of the opposing team threatened my son. He told my son that he’s going to “split his head open”. My son doesn’t want to go back.  The organization needs to know this.  The man and that team was not used to being challenged and wanted an easy win.  I do not know what to think about that threat because the guy was big and was punching the cushioned walls during the game.  
 

Came home. Tired but can’t sleep.  
 

9:00pm  Took 1.84mg Klonopin 

 

11:00pm  Took 1000mg Valerian root and 6mg melatonin.  I know- more changes.  I don’t have the best rest formula.  I’ve ordered it.  I’m not sure I can continue to order due to the cost. I am afraid to go back to not sleeping.  That was a disaster for me.  Last night  I slept but kept waking due to sore throat. 
 

Got up 3:30am on 2-19-2020 and started writing this.  Too much going on. I can only do so much. 
 

I do not understand my apathy of my appearance.  It’s embarrassing to leave the house but I am too tired to do anything about it. Going to go lie down.  But mom will be calling, she wanted me to help her today but don’t know if I can.  
 

I am sorry I write too much about my life instead of symptoms.  Life and days flying by and I’m in slow motion it seems.  Thank you. 

 

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mom2mkld
On 2/17/2020 at 9:09 PM, Rozon1 said:

Hey I just wanted to stop by and say you’re a strong person and I am happy you’re going strong for you and your son. 
 

I pray that this will continue to get better for you. 

  
Thank you, Rozon 1.   

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mom2mkld

Feet on fire.   Now achy and nauseous. At 5:02 am EST.  Need sleep 

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mom2mkld

2020-02-19

 

3:30am  Woke up with sore throat

                Took 2 fish oil caps and 1 vit C

                Drank some Air-Borne stuff

 

5:30pm  nauseous- ate some crackers eventually fell back asleep.  

 

10:00am  woke up

                  Took 10mg Lexapro

                   Drank 2 Cups coffee

                   On phone and texting about mom stuff. Placed an order but could not remember my own address on the phone.  I was embarrassed by that.  Brain feels jumbled. 

 

12:00 noon Eating steel cut oats with bananas and blueberries. 

 

12:45pm. Took multivitamin 

                  Took CoQ 10

                  Vit D

                  Zinc

                  Adaptogen

                  Calcium-mag cap

                  Drank another Air Borne

 

1:05pm.  Very anxious. Trying to think of grounding techniques.  Looking them up on google.  Cannot do them.  I feel so alone.  I am overwhelmed.  Outside. I hear many birds, the wind blowing the trees gently, many airplanes. A soft knocking noise. A neighbor has started a leaf blower or something. The AC unit turned on and is humming. Now the birds have stopped.  I prefer nature sounds. I am alone.  In my lanai, looking at empty chairs. More lawn care machines are buzzing around me. Must be landscaping company. More airplanes. 

 

I need to get my bedroom organized, paperwork organized. Prepare for mediation in lawsuit and SSA hearing.  Where do the hours go? I have difficulty facing the stuff I have to do.  Trauma attached to it.  Son still in bed.  Another airplane.  

 

Do not want to go inside. I’m inside. Need to make appointments- need to get clothing. I just want to lie down and not deal with anything. 

 

Cannot get anything don’t because my brain is jumbled. I have lost all organizational skills. I cannot find anything.  Psychiatry has destroyed me. My son too. I’ve tried everyone’s program out there to overcome the anxiety, depression, PTSD.  Nothing helps.  I’ve bought so many books my husband refuses to let me purchase any more books. He refuses to pay for therapy or help for me because I’ve tried so many things and nothing helps.  I spent an hour just looking for stuff and crying. I call him. His question is “Have I prayed today?”  Everything is my fault.  I don’t want to get better- this is how everyone makes me feel. Then he told me to go out to the mall, get my hair cut, nails done, get some clothes.  I said I can’t.  Then he told me to just sit there and cry then so I hung up on him.  I’m an imbecile.  They have won.  They have destroyed me.  How can I help my mother when I’m failing at keeping myself and son’s stuff in order?  This is when I start sinking very low.  If I call my mother-in-law, she asks me what am I making for dinner. I say”nothing”. She says WHAT?!?  Just go to Aldi’s and throw this together and that together.  And she just can’t believe that I’m home all day and don’t get food on the table for everyone.  I am a mess up.  

 

By the way, my mother told me last night, “You are amazing!  I just realized that this year!”   Thanks, mom.  What was I for the past 54 years?  Nobody and nothing. She was just glad I helped her out yesterday.  

 

I don’t know what to do now because I am stuck.  Alone. No future.  Nothing. 

 

3:00pm. Son just woke up. Came in kitchen, said “Just a bunch of empty cereal boxes”. I just finished eating left over taco salad I had made 2 days ago. He says he doesn’t like taco salad so he continues to go out to fast food.  He just now left to go to Chick-Fil-A.  I do not like when he goes anywhere alone. I’ve lost him to a corrupt system too many times.  I’m going to lie down.  Making calm drink.  It has magnesium and calcium.  It seems to help.  The pure magnesium powder I have does not dissolve well at all. I am beside myself. 

 

Posting now because this is an horrible existence. Friday he has an appointment with his pdoc.  I go with him. Going to lie down.  I’ve failed again. My whole day.  

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mom2mkld

I cannot even handle 10% right now.  Last reduction was 4% on 12-19-19 and it took weeks to be able to function.  I feel completely hopeless.  Today is another bad day.  

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mom2mkld

Bad day.  I just posted in “tapering 10%” and it says not to post there and I cannot find my post to delete.  I feel hopeless 

 

just printed up symptoms sheets.  Don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up with it. 
 

life is too complicated.  It has become a nightmare.  Need some relief 

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Gridley
27 minutes ago, mom2mkld said:

Last reduction was 4% on 12-19-19 and it took weeks to be able to function.

 

It is by no means hopeless.  4% at this point is too much.  After you stabilize you need to taper at a lower rate.  Some go to 1%.

You do what you can handle--and no more.  This link about micro-taper may be helpful.  This is the gentlest way to come off these drugs

 

Micro-taper instead of 10% or 5% decreases

 

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mom2mkld

Cried a lot today.  Eyes hurt.  Exhausted. High BP. Anxiety.  Body aches. Sore throat. Clogged ears.  Joint pain. I feel my heart cannot take much more.  More problems presented to me.  
 

8:00pm.  1.84mg klonopin    
                 1000mg acetaminophen 

                 10mg Claritin 

 

soon will take 2 caps of Best Rest- got it in the mail today.  Maybe 3-6mg melatonin.  Write more tomorrow.  
 

I can only shave and weigh for now.  No liquid form available for me. No docs who will help. 

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mom2mkld

Thank you, Gridley. I cannot get liquid form of my meds because I cannot find a doctor to help me.  I tried watching the videos and to do my own liquid titration for klonopin, but it did not dissolve well and my symptoms were worse.  So, I have an exacto knife and just shave little dust off and weigh.  Right now so much stressful events in life that I am holding.  

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mom2mkld

Not sure how long to do daily schedule since I am still holding. I printed the templates, not sure how helpful they would be right now since I am holding. It seems I am up and down and all over the place no matter if I am tapering or holding.  But I think I need to work more on a micro taper once I start tapering again.  The 4% reduction in klonopin was too much for me last time. 
 

it has been suggested I start tapering lexapro and hold on klonopin.  I really want to get off Klonopin because it seems to cause confusion and severe depression for me. It seems to have turned my brain into mush.  
 

but here is yesterday’s schedule:

 

2020-02-20

 

7:00am  0.84mg Klonopin 

               Sick with cold 

               Drank an Airborne

               Put vaporub on nostrils and chest

               Went back to sleep - crazy dreams that bother me.  

11:00am  Took 10mg Lexapro 

12:00noon  got up ate oatmeal, banana and blueberries.  2 cups coffee. 

1:30pm  Took 2 fish oil caps

               Vit D, Vit C, Zinc, Adaptogen, calcium-magnesium cap, coQ10

 

Feeling sick from cold. But have to run some errands. Still dealing with depression.  couldn’t write much about my day. 

 

Got home at 4pm. 

 

8:00pm  2.84mg Konopin 

 

10:30pm 2 capsules Best Rest

                6mg melatonin 

 

Didn’t fall asleep until 12:30am restless sleep because of cold and body aches. 

 

Got up at 3:30am then again at 4:30am to see husband off to work.  

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Gridley
13 minutes ago, mom2mkld said:

Right now so much stressful events in life that I am holding.  

Holding is a good idea.  A long hold of several months may be what is needed.  Holding allows your brain to catch up to the changes and to heal.

 

 

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manymoretodays

 

 

Hi mom2mkld,

Hi.  It looks like Gridley, responded to your post in the "why taper by 10% topic".  I'm not sure why that was hidden, after you posted it.  Perhaps, so a moderator would notice it.

On 2/19/2020 at 1:05 PM, mom2mkld said:

The pure magnesium powder I have does not dissolve well at all. I am beside myself.

 

I found a bit more on the magnesium and calcium, when taken together.

Calcium

"When I had waves of withdrawal anxiety, I found mixing mag citrate powder in ice water and sipping it to be very calming.

 

For those of us coping with withdrawal, taking magnesium apart from calcium makes sense. Magnesium is "nature's calcium channel blocker," that's how it's calming. If calcium is competing for the calcium channel, magnesium can't do its calming work."

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

more on page 2 ^, about the interplay of Ca+ and magnesium, when taken together.

 

I too, have had success, with using the magnesium citrate in water.  I have not used ice water, more just room temperature water.  I add the capsule contents to a liter bottle of water and then shake it up well and before sipping or drinking.  I've found it calming. 

So, I might if I were you, try again with the just plain magnesium, to see if it helps with calming when you are feeling really stressed and anxious.

It is good to make sure that you take it with plenty of water anyway, and you could always just sip on it throughout the day.

I don't think you would have to necessarily, stop the present mag/calcium that you take at present, if you think it helps.  I would guess that it's pretty hard to tell if it helps with anything, at this point though, given the number of other supplements you take.

 

Do try and look through the links too, when you can, when you get any moments of real clarity.  I know it's still very difficult.  I can read and hear that you are a very intelligent and capable person.......even while this is all going on, the drugs, your situations, withdrawal, and well......all of it.

 

On 2/19/2020 at 6:20 PM, mom2mkld said:

I can only shave and weigh for now.  No liquid form available for me. No docs who will help. 

 

For now, just be consistent with your measuring and the timing of when you take your Klonopin. 

The rule of 3KIS; Keep it simple, slow, stable

We know, the difficulty inherent sometimes in finding docs who might help.

 

2 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

Not sure how long to do daily schedule since I am still holding. I printed the templates, not sure how helpful they would be right now since I am holding. It seems I am up and down and all over the place no matter if I am tapering or holding.  But I think I need to work more on a micro taper once I start tapering again.  The 4% reduction in klonopin was too much for me last time. 
 

it has been suggested I start tapering lexapro and hold on klonopin.  I really want to get off Klonopin because it seems to cause confusion and severe depression for me. It seems to have turned my brain into mush.  

 

Keep going with the daily notes please mom2mkld.  You ARE doing good with them.  You might keep them more to times, drugs, supplements, and doses, and then just symptoms in general terms, as they occur throughout the day.  Symptoms that are different from what you know yourself to be.  And then add in total sleep too.  Oh my, sleep is so important during this process.

Did you get a chance to look at Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal symptom checklist

 

Then, you might, do separate posts, with more narratives, as to how you are feeling and dealing with the people in your life right now, and some of your struggles.  I know it all relates, and may be helpful to you to express.  A lot of us do that here.  And then "root" for each other as well, offer what we can with comfort and caring.  That's helped me a lot.  Back when I was going through so much of the acute, here and now, stuff and symptoms.  I too, still need encouragement and support, even now, off the drugs.  We do have a PM(private message) system too, where members can talk more privately, if desired.

 

And I know, you just want off the Klonopin.  I think for now, for right now, the notes will really help us.......determine what to do next.  As we get a feel for how everything, drugs, supplements, sleep are right now.

 

When you are comfortable here too, go and visit some of the other members threads to encourage and support and commiserate too.  That can be helpful.

 

And....try, try not to keep beating yourself up so much, emotionally mom2mkld!  That's no good at all.  We all get here, how we get here, and often it's not our fault.......yet, I found, that once I learned more, and took a bit of charge of my own situation, as well as kept the faith in healing, that things got much, oh so much better.

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

indexed links in the first post here^, that might help

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

indexed list of links ^ too, in the first post, of many tried and true non-drug coping skills

 

It's always good to try and really hone in on some of the non-drug coping skills that work for you.  They'll be needed, now and in the future as well, and can be so very helpful.

 

Okay, that's plenty from me.  Oh, and it sure looked like you might have had at least a moment or two of at least feeling neutral, or even a little happy, from your notes.

The importance of recognizing when you're feeling good

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

2 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

8:00pm  2.84mg Konopin 

 

Was this an error/typo ^ ????  Or did you up your 8 pm Klonopin?

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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mom2mkld

Yes.  Typo.  I’m taking same dose every day 

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mom2mkld

I did look through links.  I tried grounding. It’s in one of my notes.  I’ve tried many things. I do not always remember and I am being pulled.  Right now the rest of my day and energy goes to son. Have to take him to an appointment.  I am sorry.  I am doing the best I can.  I cannot seem to be able to do much.  Links, let alone looking at other introductions.  I started one day.  Have to run.  Tuesday was all day for mom. Wednesday recovery day from pushing myself- cannot do anything. Thursday- had to force myself to run errands. By night I was completely in tears. Now I exhausted but having to take my son out.  It will be all I can do the rest of the day.  

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manymoretodays

You're doing fine.  Okay, thanks. 

(editing in here) And it can take a bit of practice before the non-drug coping starts to help much.  You'll see.  Yay, on grounding and keeping trying stuff!

Quit apologizing to me, anyway.  No need.  You are trying hard!  I know that.

We're looking at some of those supplements too, mom2kld.......just thought I'd mention that too.

As far as the value of your notes go now!

You may also benefit from some adjustments to those, as far as feeling a bit more "Withdrawal stability".

Shep noticed more on that.......

 

Have the best day, mom!

Edited by manymoretodays
in purple

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mom2mkld

2020-02-21

 

Did not sleep well because I’m sick. 

 

7:00am  0.93mg klonopin 

               1000mg Tylenol (was taking Tylenol yesterday and forgot to list)

               Vaporub on chest and nostrils

               Drank airborne- got nauseous so ate some crackers.  Can’t take on empty stomach I guess.  

 

10:00am. Took 10mg Lexapro 

 

2:12PM.  DRY EYES SORE.  Sitting at psychiatry office with son.  I put natural tears in my eyes before I left because eyes bothering me.  Ophthalmologist says I have dry eyes.  But the tears only made my vision worse.  Kind of see double vision.  

 

Rest of day cried a lot. Could not join husband and son who went out to eat. 

 

8:00pm  1.84mg klonopin 

                10mg lexapro 

 

10:00pm  two capsules of Best Rest

                  6mg melatonin 

 

12:30am fell asleep. Had nightmares 

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mom2mkld

2020-02-22

 

7:00am  0.93mg Klonopin 

 

Back to sleep. Had maybe 6 hrs sleep.  hard to say amount of sleep. I wake often during the night and this morning.  

 

11:00am  10mg lexapro 

 

Went back to sleep

 

Woke up at noon after a horribly realistic nightmare. 

 

1:00pm  oatmeal and fruit

               2 cups coffee

                Then took: 2 fish oil caps, CoQ10, vit D, vit C, adaptogen cap, calcium/magnesium cap, multivitamin, zinc 

 

Feeling nauseous and lying around all day.  Sat out on my lanai for awhile. 

 

4:16pm  nauseous, headache, clogged ears, feeling weak. 

Blood pressure high for me: 132/76

Temperature: 76.9F

Eyes bothering me, fatigued, depressed 

 

8:00pm 1.84mg klonopin 

 

8:30pm Took a walk with son and husband 

 

11:00pm took 2caps Best Rest

                Took 6mg melatonin 

 

1:00am. Fell asleep 

 

 

 

 

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On 2/21/2020 at 1:03 PM, manymoretodays said:

I too, have had success, with using the magnesium citrate in water.  I have not used ice water, more just room temperature water.  I add the capsule contents to a liter bottle of water and then shake it up well and before sipping or drinking.  I've found it calming. 

 

So, I might if I were you, try again with the just plain magnesium, to see if it helps with calming when you are feeling really stressed and anxious.


 

Hello Manymore...   I think I mentioned that I have bulk magnesium powder.  It does not

mix well.  It settles to bottom.  It’s like drinking chalk.  And I don’t know how to do these quotes.  

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manymoretodays

You got that quote just fine.

I think it's easier if you quote, and then reply outside of the quote box.

I can't believe I missed when you added to quotes in red, but somehow, I do see your reply to what you just

quoted......right in the box!!  :rolleyes:  So, go figure.

(If you want to quote a whole post, just hit the quote button.  If you want to just do a partial quote, select the part you want, with your mouse, and then when you are done selecting, you should get a quote option that pops up, just for what you selected)

 

I don't know then mom, on the magnesium.  Like I said, I just shake mine up in a liter bottle and then re-shake before sipping.  Some particles float around a bit, I don't worry too much about that.    Some members just take capsules of magnesium only too, split up throughout the day.  When you can look at the magnesium link, you'll see the different kinds that you can try.  And it's not all that pricey or expensive.  It is a good idea to drink water, plenty of water with magnesium, and in general too?  Do you get enough water in each day? It's oddly, nicely, but oddly amazing how sometimes little things can help........just basic simple things.......when you are getting ready to taper again.

On 2/22/2020 at 11:42 AM, mom2mkld said:

8:00pm  1.84mg klonopin 

                10mg lexapro 

 

Sorry that you are sick.  I'm wondering if I have a cold or something.  I have been sneezing ALOT and easily tired lately. 

Did you take an extra dose of Lexapro on the 22nd?  What's Airborne?   What's in the Best Rest that you take at night?

Good to stay consistent too, with the times you take your meds.  I noticed a little flucuation in some of your notes.  I think, that as long as you are within an hour of usual time for taking them that's good.  And then keep your morning Lexapro spaced from the morning klonopin too.  I think you've got the Lexapro 2 hours after the morning klonopin, so that's good.

 

Some of your symptoms during the 24 hours, do look like some sure could be some WD symptoms.  Even though, it's 2 whole months now, or more, since you have made any drug changes.......often what we see here, are WDsymptoms, that come and go, then slowly improve........and best case, when finally medication free, are much, much better.

 

And yes, your sleep is often interrupted, it appears, or broken up, after an early morning awakening.  We've got a lot of stuff that might be helpful, as far as with sleep and general sleep hygiene.  Good sleep IS so important.  If you can get even, some nice 5 hour stretches though, that's good.

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

and if you scroll on down, in the very first post, to sleep problems, you might find some helps. 

 

(the links given are for now, or later too, mom2mkld.  They will all just be here for you when you get a chance to read more, or even if you wake up in the night, and decide to just come online, until you tire again.  I don't want to stress you into thinking you have to read everything, right after it is posted)

 

Can you do the daily notes in a 14 font?  Much easier to look at, read, and study.  I'll ask Shep to take another look soon too. 

 

15 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

Temperature: 76.9F

 

Really?  Were you feeling cold at the time?  What kind of thermometer are you using too?  I'm hoping that is a typo error again, as that's just extreme!

 

Many thanks mom, for the good effort on notes, and checking in too.  Healing thoughts, and intentions, for you and yours. :wub:

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

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mom2mkld

I’m going to bed now. Am tired.  Can I change font on here?  I have been doing everything on my phone.  Only once I used computer. I tried to quote outside of box with phone and it didn’t work.  I use notes on phone to log my day.  I guess I’ll have to use computer to change font.  Last day from my phone.   For schedule:

 

2020-02-23

 

Woke up 6:30am. 5 and 1/2 hours sleep 

 

7:00am.  Took 0.93mg klonopin and laid back down. Listening to a message from YouTube with earphones.  

 

12:00pm. Took 10mg of Lexapro after being woken up by a phone call. Still feeling sick with cold. Drinking coffee right now. 

 

2:30pm. Took 2 fish oil caps, 1 multivitamin, 1 CO Q10softgel, 1 vit D, vit C, zinc, Adaptogen, calcium/magnesium cap 

 

Just apathetic, sad.  Useless. 

 

Cannot talk about how badly i feel.  And chest is tight.  

 

Family drama.  My husband went over family house.  Sister texting me.  

 

Got nothing much done again today. 

 

8:00pm 1.84mg Klonopin 

               10mg Claritin 

 

11:00pm 2 caps Best Rest 

                6mg melatonin 

 

Discouraged 

Lying down 

 

have to read all you wrote tomorrow.  But family is wanting me to pack my mother all week.  I can barely take a shower.  My husband is off work so I won’t see him.  If I pack her all week I will definitely have to use my phone so font may be big unless I can figure how to change in notes.  Life is overwhelming.  I am behind in all that I need to accomplish.  I disappoint everyone 

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mom2mkld

My brain is not working well.  I’ve messed up on documentation   I take 10mg Claritin at night.  Not lexapro    I am frustrated about my typing and thinking and functioning.  I do not want to help mom pack because I can’t even jeep

my own live together 

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manymoretodays

It just depends on your phone really.  The editing. 

Once you post, and before you hit submit reply, see if you can see the editing strip.

It's at the top on my computer and has a size box.  Then I can select all, and change the font.

 

On my much smaller screen android phone, I can see the editing strip across the top, but don't see a size box.

Although, it is possible that you can get to doing further editing from your phone.  And find a size or font selector.  I know with mine, I'm always finding more that it allows.

 

So....it might be possible.

 

It's good to keep notes on your phone mom, it can be a convenient method.  And then you know how to transfer them here too.  So you're one up on my skills.

 

Don't stress it.  Get some good rest.  And talk nicely to yourself.  Sometimes, going through all this crapola, and all, WD, and meds included, we have to become our own best buddies.  Or best friend ever to ourselves.  It's late.  You are tired.  Everybody needs you, around you, and it can be so overwhelming sometimes.  That's all.  I mean it stinks, but don't let yourself disappoint yourself......something like that.  B)  This is a marathon here.  Not a simple relay race.  Not even a remotely competitive sport.  You sound like a very strong and courageous women to me!  With so many responsibilities too.  Cut yourself some slack once in awhile, okay?  Look at all that you've done well enough......and you've had some busy days.  Not perfect days, but days filled with caring for others and just days of caring.  That's important.  You. Are. A. Very. Valuable. Human. Being.

 

Waving my magic sleep wand for everyone tonight......rest well.  Tomorrow.  Another day! 

Nite nite termites......Zzzzzz face mmt.

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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mom2mkld

Sorry.  Writing from my phone.  Hope font is not big.  I’m severely depressed.  I cannot stand it.  

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