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mom2mkld

2-14-2020

 

7:00am.  Klonopin 0.93mg

                 1 cup coffee

                  Reading about son’s health issues 

                  Tired

9:25am.   Lexapro.  10mg

                  Showered

                  Drove to “family” house to help mom, cleaned her bathroom, helped her sort through stuff, prepare for realtor to take pictures.  Emotional.  Very tired 

12:30pm.  Drove home very depressed, took son to two different Walmart stores for car covers. 

2:30.  Home. So sad. Called husband at work. Wish he were here.  Very tired.  Going to lie down.  My son doesn’t do anything anymore such as go on walks with me, work out. Etc. I am feeling weak.  Lying down. Feel so alone

5:00pm. Woke up to alarm to give son meds.  Heart beating fast and very tight chest.  Give meds. Go back to bed.  Very depressed 

Empty

Alone

Miss my life 

I’m gone- between these drugs and seeing a hospital attempting to murder my son has destroyed me.  I don’t even look like

myself anymore.  Tight chest. 

 

6:30pm.  Drank some pure magnesium citrate powder that does not dissolve well in water.  It didn’t help.  I feel awful.  Tight chest.  Crying.  Called my daughter in Ohio and cried on her voicemail.  She sent a text.  She’s out eating.  

Saw pictures of me and my son just 2 years ago- 2018 - Valentines Day- we both looked great. I’m a complete mess now. 

 

Took none of my other supplements today. I’m so discouraged. I cannot read all the stuff I should read on here and elsewhere. 

 

7:30pm  Took a walk with my husband for about 1-2 hour.  I cried.  

 

8:00pm. Went with husband and son for ice cream 

9:00pm. Took 2.77mg klonopin 

                Took 10mg Claritin 

10:30pm.  Took 1 Best Rest cap

                   Took 9mg melatonin 

Lying down 

 

Took none of my other supplements today. I’m so discouraged. I cannot read all the stuff I should read on here and elsewhere. 

 

7:30pm  Took a walk with my husband for about 1-2 hour.  I cried.  

 

8:00pm. Went with husband and son for ice cream 

9:00pm. Took 1.84mg klonopin 

                Took 10mg Claritin 

10:30pm.  Took 1 Best Rest cap

                   Took 9mg melatonin 

Lying down 

 

my husband’s brother in town. Do not want to see anyone. I’ve let myself fall apart.  
 

im not sure if I’m suffering trauma or WD.   Or what is wrong.  

Edited by manymoretodays
reduced font size to 14, for ease of reading

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mom2mkld

I’ve been crying but I have no energy or motivation. It’s as if I have no feelings other than sadness.  Relationships suffer and I don’t take care of myself.  

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Shep

Mom2mkld, do you feel like you're over-drugged with the daytime Klonopin? Does the .93 mg Klonopin in the morning feel very sedating? 

 

I'm wondering if reducing the supplements you are taking at night first and then moving part of your morning Klonopin dose to night to help with sleep may work best before you begin tapering the antidepressant. 

 

Since benzos are nervous system depressants, they cause depression. I'm getting a strong vibe from your symptoms notes that you're over-drugged during the day, but I'd like to know what you think. 

 

On 2/13/2020 at 10:22 PM, mom2mkld said:

10:20pm. Will soon take 2 capsules of Best Rest and I will attempt only 6mg melatonin.

 

9 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

10:30pm.  Took 1 Best Rest cap

                   Took 9mg melatonin 

 

Please be consistent with your supplements. Your nervous system is really needing consistency and stability. And if you opt to reduce these nighttime supplements and move part of your morning Klonopin to the evening to help with sleep, it's very important that you're being consistent. 

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mom2mkld

Hello Shep,

 

I am not sure if I am overdrugged or not.  I have heard that fatigue is part of WD.  I go through spurts of not sleeping.  Lately I have been able to sleep at nights.  I am very thankful for that.  Sometimes that happens even when I do not change anything.  For a long time after last reduction, I was only sleeping 3 hours per night. That was awful as I do not do well on little or no sleep.    I could try switching some of my morning dose to nighttime.  Especially since I am soon to run out of the Best Rest.  I am so glad I am sleeping at night that I do not want that to stop.  I am running out of and having to reduce my Best Rest, that is why I increased melatonin.  I could go to an integrateive pharmacy around the corner and pick up some RelaxMax.  The woman gave that to me a long time ago to sleep.  But I ordered Best Rest but it will not be here until at least Thursday and I only have 2 capsules left.  I need my sleep.  I already took my Klonopin for the AM, so I could reduce tomorrow.  Do you have a suggestion on how much to switch from AM to PM?  

 

I will try adding a sheet of ingredients for the RelaxMax - but I see it has gaba in it also.  So, probably not good for me?  Thank you for your help.  I appreciate everyone who is taking the time to help.  This is difficult.  

Life makes no sense to me.  I can find no purpose.  I am only a burden to everyone.  I do not like who I have become.

This is where I can often spiral down to not wanting to life and stuff like that.  But my husband is very worried that if I even say anything like that, cops are going to show up to drag me away to psych ward.  I am not suicidal - so do not need to be dragged to psych ward.  Just doing what I can each day 

RelaxMax (RV)_DRS222_111716_FINAL_CC.pdf

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Shep

Please do not make any changes to the Klonopin yet. Eventually, you may want to move part of the morning dose to evening and the best way to do this is by gradually moving it one hour a day. Gradual moves are easiest on your nervous system. But again, please don't do that yet. 

 

The goal is to reduce the night-time supplements first. Reducing the melatonin would be a good first start, since you are taking 9 mg.

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mom2mkld

The depression and fatigue is awful today 

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mom2mkld

2-15-2020

 

Slept 8 hours with crazy dreams as usual. I wake up feeling exhausted from the dreams.  But have to get up to give son meds, so often stay up. Stayed up today. Alone. Feel so alone. Son sleeping and he’s just drugged up and it makes me sad. Husband at work. As usual. I’m alone. I hate being alone all the time. But make no efforts to get out or make friends.  I’ve tried in the past.  Took out garbage, replanted a plant. 

 

7:00AM.  Took 0.93mg Klonopin 

8:00AM.   1 cup coffee

                  1 glass vegan protein shake with banana, strawberries and blueberries added

 

She’s says I may be overdrugged during the day.  Maybe I am because I have to force myself to do everything and actually feel like going back to bed right now. 

 

I worry that Dr Breggin says that Clozapine is just basically giving my son a chemical lobotomy.  I worry that he’s on Effexor which causes suicidal and homicidal ideation.  He had a horrible suicide attempt in 2016.  Awful. Amazing this kid is alive. He was 40 days in medical unit with trach and feeding tubes.  I had to fly from FL to OH to be with him.  Been through so much with him.  Why I am so afraid for his life. He had much better care in OH than FL.  FL has been a nightmare!

                  

9:00AM. Took

                 2 fish oil caps

                 1 multivitamin 

                 1 adaptogen cap

                 1 calcium/mag cap for my bones

                 1 CO Q10 softgel 

                 1 vit D

                 1 vit C

                 1 Zinc

Another cup of coffee

10:00.  Took 10mg Lexapro 

 

Ordered a birthday gift for sister

Ordered paper products from amazon - had gift card

Looked at Fit for Life foods since I don’t cook. Need nourishment. Store close by.  Too tired to go to store. 

Printed something for attorney- need to fax - too tired to go to staples. 

12:00noon lying down. Son still sleeping 

12:42pm.  In bed awake.  So unproductive. Isolated. Son still sleeping.  Want to get out and get things done. Need haircut. Just exhausted and lying here. Frustrating. No life this is no way to live. 

1:53pm. Can’t stand how I feel. Will try to sleep so I don’t feel.  Maybe the supplements make me feel this awful 

 

2:00pm. Called in to group on zoom.  Stayed until 6:00pm.  Reduced anxiety- that’s why I stayed so long.  Had to leave to go get food for my son.  

 

6:00pm-7:00pm.  Took son for food at Pei Wei 

 

8:45pm. Took 1.84mg klonopin 

                Took 10mg Claritin 

 

Brother-in-law will be in town tomorrow.  I have dishes in sink. No shower in days. My husband told him I don’t feel well and they’ll just meet up somewhere.  I feel terrible. His family doesn’t understand. Maybe I’ll be able to get up.  

 

Scary when I don’t feel anything but empty.  I wonder if I’ve done the wrong thing here by trying to get off meds. It could be what I’ve been through with my son and I am experiencing PTSD severely.  I don’t know what this is. I’ve never felt so badly in my life. I don’t know if I’m going to make it.  My husband works 6 days a week, 12-14 hour days. He is a mechanic. He just got home and is in excruciating pain.  Between 45 years hard labor and a car accident- he’ll be 60 this year, his body is falling apart. I didn’t even get the dishes done today.  Or food made.  There are left overs. But he’s not even hungry.  

 

Watched a basketball slam dunk contest with my son and husband.  

 

10:41PM. Took on Best Rest (I’m used to taking two).  Have only one more left until Thursday     

                 Took 9mg melatonin (will take less when I get my Best Rest stuff delivered. 

 

We’ll see what I can do tomorrow 

Edited by manymoretodays
reduced font size to 14, for ease of reading

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manymoretodays
12 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I worry that Dr Breggin says that Clozapine is just basically giving my son a chemical lobotomy.  I worry that he’s on Effexor which causes suicidal and homicidal ideation.  He had a horrible suicide attempt in 2016.  Awful. Amazing this kid is alive. He was 40 days in medical unit with trach and feeding tubes.  I had to fly from FL to OH to be with him.  Been through so much with him.  Why I am so afraid for his life. He had much better care in OH than FL.  FL has been a nightmare!

 

Hi mom2mkld,

Good job with the notes, and also a good beginning in your own self care.  It is.......so very important to take care of oneself, as then it WILL help when it comes to the others, that we care so much about.  And I think, for now, sorting out things, with your own medications, is self care.  You don't have to rush into anything.......as far as tapering, or "getting off meds" goes.  Just keep the notes coming.......and try to keep an ear open, as far as "suggestions" here go.

Keep the notes coming.  You've got the hang of it now!

 

I think when you feel ready and able, or even if, perhaps your son would like to post on his own, you could at that time go ahead, and start an introduction for him.  Or he could, with your help, as I know it can be very hard to navigate here, on arrival.   Just copy on over some of what you put in your very first post around his situation.  If he wants to wait too, on getting started here.......that's fine too.  The door is always open.  And my gosh, he's been through so much already.  I could certainly understand if he just wants or needs to hold steady for now, as much as possible.  You can use drugs.com to check on, or check out some of his potential drug interactions.  https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html

And you can use drugs.com as a beginning resource to, to check out any medication.  You just put the medication by name in the top search box there, to learn more about it.

 

And so glad to hear you are getting some of your own support needs met now.  As well as dealing, dealing, dealing with all that needs to be done now, in the way of getting some justice for your son.

I honestly think, mom2mkld, that it is a mix of everything right now.  Everything matters, you know.  And yes, trauma is at play here, and post trauma, and medication(s) and actions of, and WD(withdrawal).  I think we can help a little bit.  I wish.....I so wish, sometimes that we could just undo the past.......unfortunately, we can't.........but we can help with the present. 

 

The state of your dishes, or housework, or so many other things.......is just not of the upmost importance right now.  I mean I have been there.  And in the long run, in retrospect, I realized, and or/realize (present time), that as long as I take care of me, and relationships with significant others........that is what is most important! 

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

and gentle hugs too  (((m2mkld))

 

 

Edited by manymoretodays

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mom2mkld

Manymoretodays, 

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am scared because I have people depending on me and I cannot go down. But I must take one day at a time.  
 

I think, at times, I am more aware. I am also feeling that I have aged a lot.  My mind is not as sharp as once was, but I believe my brain can heal. Even though I often times feel so hopeless. 
 

My family (my children and husband) want me to be POA and health surrogate for my mother. It is a long sad story about my oldest sister who wants control.  It’s not a responsibility that I want, but, I guess I need to do it if she agrees.  
 

I am only awake now because the garbage man knocked the mailbox off and has come twice to the door already- I told him no problem.  But I’m so tired.  Took klonopin for today already. I will put up yesterday’s schedule.  
 

My son has to get through some stuff. There is so much more to his story. But hoping by May or so he will be ready.  Possibly. He is still recovering, but I think the Clozapine is aggravating heart issues- hoping they clear up once he gets off.  He is a bit stubborn and thinks it will be no big deal to just stop his meds.  He doesn’t understand.  I do not want to scare him but he needs to be well educated before attempting to get off these meds.  I don’t know if he would survive another hospitalization.  I might lie back down for now. I’m so tired.  I’ll put up yesterday’s schedule.  Yesterday was lots of discussion about my mother and family.   I still feel I’ll have no support at all from family.  

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mom2mkld

2-16-2020

 

Strange dreams all night 

 

7:00am   0.93mg Klonopin 

                 Fell back asleep

10:00am  10mg Lexapro 

                  Brother-in-law not coming but daughter and family coming because house showing. Picking up house. Still need a shower. Days without a shower. 

11:00am 2 cups coffee

                1 protein drink with banana and berries in it. 

 

1:14pm.  Family drama - stressful 

Showered

Cooked for family 

Talked with family 

Had campfire and made S’mores

 

9:00pm Took 1.84mg Klonopin 

               took 10mg Claritin 

 

9:30pm Watching basketball with husband and son. 

 

11:00pm Took 1 Best Rest (last one because I ordered late) 

                Took 9mg melatonin ( until I get more Best Rest)

 

Kept waking up throughout the night. Not good sleep. Strange dreams.  
 

I need to catch up on reading suggestions on here.  I am sorry. My family and son taking all energy I have lately.  I know I must work on lowering melatonin.  Will do it when I get my Best Rest in the Mail.  
 

I took none of my vitamins again. Sometimes they make me feel nauseous so I avoid them.  
 

exhausted right now have to go.  
 

thank God no migraines for awhile.  

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