FarmGirlWorks Recovery Appeared as a Pickle-and-Cheese Sandwich

[JackieDecides]

On 3/31/2020 at 1:23 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

My mother gaslit me about the "reality" of this pandemic last week and... well, I am spiraling into self-pity but those are the triggers that have not created this wave but are definitely exacerbated by it.

 

wow, that's harsh and I'm so sorry.  at least you know it is a wave and it will end as they always do. 

 

I would not underestimate how stressful this pandemic is and I expect it will continue to get worse. I don't get that "we're all in this together" feeling very often although I know there are a lot of people working hard to take care of others and keep things going.  every now & then I see something hopeful. 

 

keep posting! 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks @wantrelief and @JackieDecides: your kind words are so helpful and appreciated. I'll check your threads in a minute.

 

5 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

I would not underestimate how stressful this pandemic is and I expect it will continue to get worse. I don't get that "we're all in this together" feeling very often although I know there are a lot of people working hard to take care of others and keep things going.  every now & then I see something hopeful. 

 

You are absolutely right, I think, Jackie. Went (aka Zoomed) to a Recovery group this evening that is pro-psychedelic therapy (a lot of us are not doing it now but are not against it and have experience) and one guy sent out the article below which is helpful for the collective grief and, I think, any grief in general. Both have come to the fore for me in the past week and my body/brain said "Enough already" and shut down. There were a few tips I hadn't seen before (name the feeling to help it move) and others seen here. Mainly it validated what I have been experiencing.

 

https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

 

It is also the one-year-anniversary of meeting my bio-father and, while my body has acclimated to the idea of a new relationship, there is still grief that I am working out with a therapist.

[wantrelief]

Thank you so much for your message on my thread, FGW....it gave me a much needed boost.  Also, thank you for posting the link the the article.  It really helped me understand more about my feelings around this pandemic and the coping ideas were helpful.  I like the addition of "meaning" to the stages of grief.  I am so grateful you are here!

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks

Im very sorry to hear your struggling again. You have been through so much. I know first hand how discouraging this can be when you feel like your doing better. It will come back. Your healing and youve come so far. Its just a wave itll pass and youll be on your way again. Whats going on in the world is helping no one and adding alot of stress so im sure thats contributing too. Hugs  to  you. I too am struggling and we will heal!

[India]

On 2/6/2020 at 7:15 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

My memory is not good and focus is difficult.

Could you comment more on cognitive capacity. This is what scares me most. 

 

Thank you for sharing your recovery and inspiration. I was very interested in your using 'rage at pharm' to keep you going. Many say to accept it but the rage is rage and I don't think easily extinguished. A huge congratualtions on your new life. I followed some of your story as best I could ( due to cognitive problems) and when I hear of recoveries I feel my soul lift for those people. It is an exponential triumph because not only have they  overcome an existential threat ( let's face it the darkness of it drives many to suicide) but also their victory wills all those on that read their success stories. It is like a baton being passed.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Thanks @Elyssa143, sorry to hear that you are struggling as well. The situation out there is definitely adding to it. I am taking tincture of Holy Basil and Passionflower now and it tamps down the anxiety. Doing better already. I am still scattered, though (although I think that is common right now) and pray that goes away soon. Hang in there, Elyssa.

 

@India: well, I am definitely not as sharp as I was before the WD ordeal but it is improving or at least acceptance of it is. There are external factors that add to reduced memory and cognition: living alone, having killed my social life the last three years due to WD and not drinking, and being perimenopausal. What bothers me most is my speech can be all over the place and way too fast which reflects the chaos in my brain. Working on that with my therapist. When I meditate and practice yoga, the thoughts slow down and I start to think and talk with more intention. Also the AA zoom meetings are really helping me practice speaking and having a topic that I stick to without rambling.

 

Rage: yeah, I know some say to accept it and perhaps I will have a more bird's-eye view of what happened someday. But when I was in the thick of it, as you are now, I accepted that I felt pure, burning rage at Big Pharma and let that be a sincere motivation to not let them "win." And they didn't and they will not with you.

 

What I'd like to say to you, dear India, is not to be scared. Cognition improves and if your brain needs to slow down while it heals processes elsewhere, then let it and know it will get better when it is ready. I definitely am sharper than what I was in WD and, if other success stories are to be believed, it will continue to get better.

 

Strength, Courage, Healing to all.

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks how are you doing now?

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Elyssa143: thanks for asking, sending super good vibes your way. I am still in what seems like a wave. Hard to tell with the situation at large. Depression, anxiety, fatigue. The flashbacks of being in the thick of withdrawal are vivid. Hearing people daily at online AA meetings (which, for the record, I love) talk about how hard isolation is for them is *very* triggering. Hard not to go into a spiral of self-pity for the last three years of WD. And it has made me also see how damaging it can be for the psyche as I see people over several weeks struggle with it. Interesting on a sociological level but also is information for what is personally healthy, ie not to be alone all the time.

 

I was texting with someone who is almost at 6 years since quitting psychodrugs. She validated that the "3 year wave" is real. Just hearing from someone who has been thru it that this is completely normal kind of eases it a little. Using meditation, exercise, and reminders to "accept this" until I feel better again. But is it deflating? Yes.

[Elyssa143]

Hey @FarmGirlWorks I am very sorry and I know personally how freaking discouraging it is to be back in when we feel a break. And you are so far out ao I can understand that as well! I too understand the trauma and it being real. This is all crazy and very painful isnt it. And the situation happening in the world isnt helping at all. This person that is 6 years out are they doing so much better? I sure do hope so! I know this will pass for you. You are well on your recovery way and will back up in no time. Theres seems to be quite a few people in longer waves than normal im sure the added stress is contributing. I too am struggling but not like i was. I get very discouraged to still have the suicidal stuff, depression and Akathisia at 25 months out. I dont live a normal life at all. Much better functioning but still everyday is a struggle for me and life shouldnt be this way. But it is a bit easier to tell myself i am improving and it has to continue. Hugs to you. Thank you for always being there for me. This will pass. You will go on to have a much better level or normal❤

[Rosetta]

Hi.  I think the 3 year wave can happen.  I felt pretty bad right around that point, but I can determine exactly why.  It will pass.  At least, at this point, you have seen enough waves pass.  Thinking of you. - R

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Elyssa143: thanks for the support. Yes, waves are def not fun but not forever. And ther person who is 6years out is fine except for a couple small residual physical symptoms. Her fatigue and mental health is better. You sound a whole lot better than before, can tell from your writing style.

 

@Rosetta, thanks and yes we have seen plenty of waves come and go. Interesting that you had one too. Trying to put one foot in front of the other until it ends. It is said: easy choices, hard life; hard choices, easy life. Pills are "easy,"  WD is "hard." But going thru this shows a resilience that I did not know I had to survive and, maybe someday, thrive.

Edited April 16, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[RachelSusan]

Hey FGW,

 

I tried to think of something profound to say but I came up with exactly NOTHING. So I guess I'll just say that you being in a wave right now absolutely sucks. That's kind of a lowbrow way for me to put things but being in is about as low as a person can feel. I am indeed sorry to hear that you are in this situation.  I know it will improve, it always does, but I hope it improves quickly.  Like now!!!

 

xo

RS

[FarmGirlWorks]

Profundity: what is that? Dear lord: not scrambling words is all I hope for now. Thanks... yeah, I wish it would go away now too. Ah, but there are gems, right? For instance,did a Zoom kundalini meditation now that was unexpectedly deep. My tinnitus has been getting louder and louder and that has been frightening and makes me feel more cuckoo for cocoa puffs than normal. This meditation, while not quieting it, did help me accept it more.

 

How are you doing with the World On Pause? I feel like we've been On Pause for so long that we've got it down!

Edited April 16, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Sheera]

@FarmGirlWorks yes the 3 year wave is real but maybe more like a dip since the old waves were so much worse because we hadn’t seen the light at the end of the tunnel yet?  Also, I think it is the closest we’ve felt to normal in a long time so that wishful thinking that it’s finally over?  Either way, I’ve felt the 3 year wave too. I think I’m out of it though and my baseline did increase after it and symptoms seem to be shorter and less intense now. So even though it’s a wave, take heart knowing that your baseline will be even better than you though it could ever be!  It really is amazing thinking that what we thought was our final healing is really only the beginning of our new and wonderful normal. ❤️
 

Thinking of you and sending hugs your way—

Sheera 

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Sheera: THANK YOU! One for validating that this wave/dip is real and also that your baseline was higher afterwards. So inspiring. Unlike before, I have more minutes/hours of hope and motivation in the form of loose plans. Which is cool when it appears. The reality, though, is slow-going now. Lots of feeling like there is a pressure to cry but I can't. And a bit of despair. Ah well... Hugs backatacha.

[JackieDecides]

On 4/14/2020 at 8:26 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

She validated that the "3 year wave" is real.

I find this scary since I am only (almost) to 2 years. will I ever be normal? I hope so. will I ever not struggle? I guess not, since it is normal - human! - to struggle. 

 

I find it helps to hear others here on SA are going through the same thing. while, for some reason, the "isolation" due to Covid 19 is hard and knowing it's hard for others does NOT help. why? I don't know but suspect it is stressing other people and then that stress bleeds over into others. or something. 

 

but the people I interact with all, like me, are still working (nursing home) and so we have the advantage (I think) over those who are "working from home" and only get out into the world for shopping which has become so stressful and generally fraught. 

[Rosetta]

Hope you are feeling better!

[Bythegrace]

Thank you FarmGirlWorks for your positivity and encouragement. I’m 5 1/2 months out from my last dose of a Lexapro after an 8 month taper.....I’m hanging in best I can. I’ve experienced setbacks with the pandemic and a prostate cancer diagnosis for my husband...But reading your promises of healing gives me immediate strength and hope to keep on pushing through...The words “you will heal too” are life saving. Thanks for paying it forward.

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Bythegrace @Rosetta @JackieDecides @RachelSusan @Sheera: thank you for the encouragement. And, ByTheGrace, good vibes to your husband as well. Prostate cancer effects men so differently; there must be different types of it. Whatever the case, so inspired by your grit and determination.

 

I am still wavy gravy but def not as bad as it was last week. Dear lord. My TOTM came (at 53 no longer sure when the last one will occur) and that probably exaggerated the deep mood dive and, this never has happened before, insane bloating. Add to the Doom cocktail this Global Pandemic: mix and stir, serve flaming. I was re-reading this thread that I wrote in early February! And I remember the first big "trigger" happened in mid-March when I got caught in a panicked grocery run (there was no purchasing of tp but I did buy three jars of fresh shucked oysters so my primal reactions in a pandemic may not track with others). So recognizing the signs of a wave two-weeks later seems about right. God, I thought surviving the unexpected appearance of my bio-father was big -- HA! You make plans, write a success story... and God laughs.

 

The acceptance of this is stronger than before. As Rosetta said, we have seen waves before and we've seen them go. I've been sitting more due to Zoom and working on my kundalini certification which (sitting) can't be helpful. To that end, the past few days, I have only been listening to Prince and dancing a few times a day. That is where my grief is now, in a Prince binge. Also, I can cry about his death. And crying right now in this world seems to be about the right thing to do.

 

Or laughing: enjoy.

 

Edited May 5, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Rosetta]

Thanks for your encouragement on my thread.  This will pass for you.  It’s very demoralizing, but it will pass.

 

Rosetta

[FarmGirlWorks]

Quick update: I pulled out of the Wave. Today is the 23rd and I feel like it was a week ago. So a 6ish-week wave? I dunno: although astrologically I am supposed to be detail-oriented, that has not translated into keeping track of time. Def recovered more quickly than ones before and only had a day or two of deep down blackness with SI. Sounds horrible but it is an improvement. And still none of the physical symptoms like head pressure or headache.

 

Yup, it is embarrassing to not be completely healed but I did say I was only at 90%ish when I wrote this Success Story and that feels about right.

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks 

Thats a huge improvement! And dont be embarassed at all. You got to a place in your healing where you felt ready.  Even with further waves hopefully minimal and short lasting that you know theyll pass and your healing is 100%. Im trailing behind you! Almost 27 months! I am definitely better improving symptoms are less intense but the most horrible ones are still with me and can be very discouraging.  I worry I wont ever be ok again. Si, suicidal intrusive thoughts, inner aka , dread, ground hogs day feeling and some hopelessness depression.  But less intense but still tough. I hope soon to be more healed and confident and the suicidal "feelings" or questioning life is gone. Hugs to you!!!

[FarmGirlWorks]

The "Groundhog's Day feeling" is so apt. And it seems like alot of "normies" are experiencing it now with the Shelter from Home action. You will heal and I am so glad to hear you are seeing improvements, @Elyssa143 that is great news. Each wave is lighter and faster and then... well, I'll let you know when I get there!

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks how are you doing? Well I hope! I’m approaching 28 months here soon and 2 years completely pharma free. Definitely having much easier times even a day or two where I feel normal for the most part. Back in a wave and it’s really tough. The inner akasthia in my chest/stomach never gets easier always makes me feel like I want to “die” or crawl out of my skin. Can you relate? Then of course come the si intrusive thoughts. All in all improving but still having really hard times. Again hope your well. Hugs my friend

[FarmGirlWorks]

28 months! Way to go, @Elyssa143. Each day is another day you are further away from the stranglehold of Big Pharma on your body. So proud of you. Sorry you're in a wave, they are so rough. And that is such a great sign having periods of time when you feel "normal." That is the homeostasis our body is re-learning. I too was in a wave recently (thank god -- they are shorter and less intense now, or maybe I'm just used to them). Even had cortisol spikes last week which is a symptom from the acute phase -- that was scary and honestly tripped me out. But I think these times are hard on people not going thru PAWS and  we are especially sensitive to the tension in the air around us. That is Real. So being gentle toward ourselves and accepting where we are at -- as always and as ever -- are the keys. For instance, I've been dealing with deep fatigue the last three days. Acceptance is hard but it helps. Fighting against it takes a lot more energy 😃 Hang in there!

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks how are you doing? Do you consider yourself still mostly recovered? Do you still have waves? Mentally are things a lot better? I sure hope so  how’s it going as far as Covid stuff?

[FarmGirlWorks]

I am good at present. Just got a Covid test because I flew 4 days ago 👊 Pretty sure it'll be fine but y'know. Wow, you're in Florida: yikes. Stay safe!!!

 

To answer you, I try not to think about being "recovered" as that will surely invite a bad wave. Mentally still unfocused but I just got a bike and hope that the cardio improves this tired, sore brain. I have been getting PTSD from people not wearing masks (and, oh, I confront them) because the possible after-effects of Covid sound an awful lotvlike WD. Dear lord: no, never again.

 

It is *finally* summer here and that is cheery. Because of the pandemic, I am  a staying in better contact with friends and my AA community online and on the phone. I also have a new boyfriend. Compared to three years ago in acute withdrawal when I hopped into a relationship out of desperation for normality (god bless him for sticking thru my SI) my capacity now is stark. I'm not a self-centered, wounded animal and instead a vibrant human being.

Edited July 14, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks I hope you traveled for fun?  I can’t wait till I can do that! @Rosetta posted on her topic about the si and that is me 100. And it scares me so much. 2 years completely med free and 28 months into withdrawal and still struggle a lot, depression, inner akasthia, suicidal intrusive thoughts, si, dread. It’s tiring and exhausting. I get so scared it’s permanent or I’m more damaged because I feel like this so far out. I need to heal for my kids. I’m glad to see you say your a vibrant human being now. That’s awesome. Mentally do u feel mostly stable? When you say wave what is it and is really bad? Are most day enjoyable and stable? I’m never symptom free and the up and down is exhausting.  I just wish I was further along. And the suicidal stuff was gone it’s so traumatizing to me. Hope your doing well today  thanks for always taking the time to message me back 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Dear @Elyssa143: it does not feel like it now but you are getting better, your brain and body are doing all the right things. Brain injuries just take a long time to heal. And everyone's timeline of healing and situation is different so try not to trip on other people's experiences. You're okay now and you'll be even better in the future. Gratitude lists really helped me even if it felt forced. Helps with the re-wiring your brain is doing. 👊

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks I really do appreciate it. I’m praying for being better. Thank you and I will continue to work on my gratitude lists  as long as the brain heals I’ll be ok. My brain just tortures me with awful thoughts I know you know the drill.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi there, quick update on recovery which is still happening just (thank god) not acute. It is 40ish months since cold turkey from sertraline/Zoloft.

 

I do not have any of the physical symptoms anymore (knock on wood). The head pressure /headaches were the last to go. I still am easily fatigued but that is probably due to the fact that I am getting up earlier for a yoga set and more physically active. Also I can slip quickly into high anxiety -- people close to me got the Covid and one is now in a coma -- and even had a touch of SI the other day. However, this is to be expected as cold turkey is typically a 3-5 year recovery. Learned a bunch of non-drug coping skills here and just knowing that I am naturally less resilient after all the shite of WD is validating. Kundalini yoga helps, doing segmented breath to control that part of the autonomic system.

 

I let waves pass. They always do.

 

But! Life is slowly getting better, despite the world burning. I even have lattes a few times a week!

Edited August 22, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[wantrelief]

Hey FGW,

 

18 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Also I can slip quickly into high anxiety -- people close to me got the Covid and one is now in a coma

Oh my - I am so sorry to hear this.  Having someone you are close to so sick would cause high anxiety in anyone not having gone through WD.  You are doing so well to take care of yourself midst all of the stress.  You are such an inspiration to me and so many others.

 

I am thinking of you and sending lots of love,

WR

[Cocopuffz17]

20 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Hi there, quick update on recovery which is still happening just (thank god) not acute. It is 40ish months since cold turkey from sertraline/Zoloft.

 

I do not have any of the physical symptoms anymore (knock on wood). The head pressure /headaches were the last to go. I still am easily fatigued but that is probably due to the fact that I am getting up earlier for a yoga set and more physically active. Also I can slip quickly into high anxiety -- people close to me got the Covid and one is now in a coma -- and even had a touch of SI the other day. However, this is to be expected as cold turkey is typically a 3-5 year recovery. Learned a bunch of non-drug coping skills here and just knowing that I am naturally less resilient after all the shite of WD is validating. Kundalini yoga helps, doing segmented breath to control that part of the autonomic system.

 

I let waves pass. They always do.

 

But! Life is slowly getting better, despite the world burning. I even have lattes a few times a week!

Thanks for the update! I'm 18 months out after a fast taper. Glad you are doing well. I feel better each month as well! We will get through this and crush anything in our paths! All the best to you  

[Rosetta]

Hi FGW,

I’m glad you are doing all right.  I hope your friend gets well, obviously.  
 

My daughter is in virtual school until Sept 25, and I hope that continues until January at least.  I don’t want her going out anywhere.  We stay home most of the time, and if we go anywhere, we are very careful.  I know for some parents the school can’t open fast enough, but I’m terrified that I’ll be afraid to be near her if she’s going to school.  I don’t have to send her, but if I don’t, she will be given a random teacher who is not at her physical school and does not use the pedagogy of that special, magnet school.  It will be a tough call if the administrators decide to open the school too soon.

 

Thanks for checking in on me when I was struggling so much.  I’m better, for now.

 

Rosetta

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Rosetta: great to hear from you. I have such compassion for the choices people with school-age kids need to make now. It seems exponential the decisions, the concern. I know you'll do exactly what is right.

 

Just read this article and reserved the book, Livewired, at the library: https://www.brainpickings.org/2020/08/23/david-eagleman-livewired-drug-withdrawal-heartbreak/?mc_cid=6b880b1b0f&mc_eid=8ad6baa6ef

 

This article is about how thru those who have experienced drug withdrawal (all of our hands are raised here) have receptors that change because the brain learns to expect a drug and when it is not there,  we start the road back to homeostasis. We all want or expect our brain to be the same as soon as possible. But until those receptors and the nervous system heals, we are in the limbo of withdrawal. The author equates drug withdrawal to the physiological manifestations of heartbreak... of course, heartbreak can be much more than a romance. For me, my mothers were/are a source of heartbreak. The betrayal of doctors who don't know shite about withdrawal are another legit source of heartbreak. I want to end this post on a "positive" but acknowledging that there is real, physical pain "positive" too. At least it is real.

Edited August 30, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[FarmGirlWorks]

I received a DM today from a dear member about a supplement. I thought the response bore repeating here (without identifying info, of course).

 

I have not tried (that supplement). I believe that it doesn't matter how many chemicals (like dopamine enhancers) we add to our body. Until the receptors/pathways heal then there is no being able to process the added substances. My analogy is a baseball game where a hitter bangs out a bunch of balls to the outfield. If the catchers are there, then they "catch" the balls(substances) and can use them. But if nobody is in the outfield, doesn't matter how many balls are hit out there, the balls lie useless on the ground.

 

It is a rough analogy but I believe if there was a supplement to make this go quicker, then we'd have heard about it.

 

What works to improve pathways: EXERCISE! Whatever you can tolerate and doesn't activate your body adversely. Also games like chess or even the app Luminosity to keep the brain pathways firing. Acceptance that the process sucks gives your body the relief to recover.

 

I am so sorry you are in this. You'll get out of it but don't look for a magic pill to do it for you -- that is what got most of us in this predicament in the first place.

Edited September 18, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks