FarmGirlWorks Recovery Appeared as a Pickle-and-Cheese Sandwich

[Kimboslice]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks,

 

how you getting on?? Everything still proceeding as you’d like I hope. I noticed you made a couple of posts previously on pugs success thread asking about his experience with withdrawal based emotional and mental instability. I presume the fact you’ve posted a success story the anxiety and depression have resolved or at least at a vastly more manageable level and do you concur with his views? & quickly In terms of anxiety, did you struggle in public places, socially and even doing menial tasks like popping up to the shop? I’m 20 months out now and Am seeing small improvements in fits and starts but still unable to proceed in normal activities on a regular basis because of the anxieties unpredictability.

 

Thank you 🙏 

 

 

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Kimboslice. The milestone of 20 months is good news -- every day is farther away from the drugs. Indeed, my anxiety/depression is more manageable than ever. Yep, kinda impossible not to have some anxiety in the USA this month but I re-read what I wrote that said I wished I'd splurged on a gym membership and therapy when the darkness became bad and am now grateful for a great counselor that I zoom with weekly and, while gyms are still too risky IMO, I go biking with my bf and do kundalini yoga daily. As far as anxiety for menial tasks, I'd put them off if I was feeling stressed but was never agoraphobic or afraid of stores (crowds made me nervous although I think that was just exacerbated by WD).

 

I think that is normal to see recovery in fits and lurches, two steps forward and one back, instead of a simple, linear downward trend. It will happen and when it does you will know. Life, of course, still happens. The most important thing for emotional and mental stability has been to make sure the legs on my metaphorical stool are all strong. They are: exercise, yoga, AA, and connection with others. And not doing any drugs. I started slipping in August with not doing exercise regularly and ingesting cannabis. No bueno and I quickly started to spin out. So now, back and regaining stability. My spiritual teacher died today of Covid (and screw anyone who says it is not real or dangerous) and, while in deep grief, I feel it is not nearly as "bad" as WD was. Grief is real, not chemical madness. WD is so worth getting through. And you will @Kimboslice!

Edited October 2, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Kimboslice]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks.

Sorry it’s taken me a while to get back and thank you for answering my question. I’ve tried to reply twice now accidentally deleting the damn thing just before pressing send. I’m not exactly the most competent when technology is involved 🤯. 20 months Is definitely a fair portion of time to be suffering but annoyingly I’m  finding it difficult to recognise making it this far as an achievement. 

I think your right about anxiety being a feature of people’s lives withdrawal or not during these uncertain times although without sounding selfish the fact that the world is currently off kilt, Makes the fact my circumstances are anything but straightforward  a little easier to bare. In some way it’s a comforting reminder life is difficult no matter what’s occurring.
 

I too have a metaphorical stool (as you call it) with many legs. I’ve tried counselling / Psychotherapy , I exercise a lot, meditate, I used to Wim hof and ice bath for a period of time, get out to walk the dog, Daily stretching , read plenty of books which have all been useful tools to distract myself and all are great but I feel they would be peripheral activities to a normal persons day so even when being productive and completing them my days still feel void of any fulfilment which is probably down to the monotony of doing the same things over & over and having nothing more to strive for other than surviving. I’d like to be able to push myself. I think it’s key to making progress but I feel incapacitated by my symptoms and the unpredictability of the process to make grounds in any anything other than the basics. Where you able to gauge when to push and when to rest or was it as simple as trial and error? And when did you know it was time to take on extra responsibilities? Because every time I attempt to I suffer a setback.

 

Funny you mention cannabis.
I too gave up smoking 12 months ago and still have a lump of hash left. I’ve given in to temptation a couple of times and had a little spliff. I know I shouldn’t but get so  bored at times. I’m so good with everything else Its easy to justify to myself that we all need a vice from time to time. You say it sent you of course a little but did you at least enjoy letting your hair down and having a little much?  I hope so ☺️. 

 

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Kimboslice,

 

Yesterday I was talking with a member about pushing to do things vs not. Frankly, I think it is -- like all withdrawal -- individual and dependent on your nature and symptoms. Sorry for the ubiquitous answer. My nature is to "do" things and I did as much as I could although that wasn't much. I was able to do kundalini yoga and some AA. Socializing was definitely a rough area for me. That first 18 months, I skipped a lot of things. And frankly the habit of isolation was a little ingrained then. I guess it has helped during the Covid times as now we have to (should)  isolate more. Claire Weekes advises continuing to do stuff even if it is really slowly. When I am feeling bad (guess what? Life goes on after withdrawal and the stuff that landed you on psych drugs are often waiting to be faced), I try to do whatever I can slowly and not just go catatonic.

 

I also know that breathing practices detoxify the body a lot (supposedly over 80% compared to food and exercise) and am working on an online program to help folks in WD to assist their body in detoxing the chemicals from their bodies. Some of us have decades of this toxicity that has been unleashed and it takes time to move it out. Also, I try to do a cool rinse (ice cold baths -- you're a trooper!) to get the vagus nerve stimulated.

 

As far as weed... sigh. The THC just made me self-conscious and paranoid. Def not my ally anymore. However to deal with a bout of insomnia the past few days, I am trying CBD tincture. Fingers crossed it works

Edited October 15, 2020 by FarmGirlWorks

[Moonpie]

Thank you for your transparency in sharing and your post!  I truly needed it!  Moonpie

[elbee]

@FarmGirlWorks Thanks for sharing your courageous story! And thank you for your service to this website. 🙏❤️

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks how are you doing? 33 months now, in an awful wave. Feeling like I can’t do this anymore. Much more manageable days over all but the waves are awful. The suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts the inner aka, the dread. All awful. Some depression I am greatful for more manageable days but I’m still so scared I won’t make it . It’s been so long and I’m so tired. I’m sure me being triggered by a good friends passing in Withdrawl a week ago isn’t helping me at all right now either. It’s justo hard for me being so far out still having this awful stuff. Hoping here soon it gets better. Hope your well!

[FarmGirlWorks]

Good to hear from you, Elyssa. Wow, so sorry to hear about your friend. Not only sad but also triggering. ou know, spoke with a person who was going thru alcohol withdrawal and the suicidal ideation took a long time after she stopped drinking to go away. They went to AA meetings and ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) and read self-help books and slowly slowly it went away. Of course, in WD we have to deal with the very natural readjustment of the chemicals in our body/CNS. You will get there and you have not broken your brain! I'm rooting for you! At 33 months I still hadn't turned the corner. And even today I get tired easily as WD is so damn exhausting. But you'll def get to the other side. It's inevitable.

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks thanks for always being there for me! I thought your success story said 33 months. But I’m glad to hear your doing better. Are you still struggling? The inner aka is really tough too. I sure hope the suicidal stuff goes. Today has been extremely tough I told my fiancé I couldn’t do this anymore. I can’t believe this far out it’s still this bad. I kept hoping by now the waves wouldn’t make me feel like I wanted to die. Ugh, I just want that **** to go away. One day soon I hope. How are you doing?❤️ The intrusive si is different then the wanting to die feeling, I know you struggled with those too. Hopefully those are better

[FarmGirlWorks]

Oh yeah, I am def through the thick of it. The SI only comes in moments of intense duress. Not as resilient as I was before drugs but that may be age and traumas too. Hope that the resiliency comes back a bit. No depression at this point but certainly anxiety but not as overwhelming as it was before. Plus thanks to SA, therapy, and kundalini I have tools to at least lessen it. Exercise helps.

 

Hang in there @Elyssa143.

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks thank you girl! I can’t wait to be through the thick of it 🥺 this stuff that’s really bad sucks. I can’t live with the inner aka or feeling like I want to die. It’s awful. I’m so glad it’s so much better for you!!! That’s awesome. I can’t wait to be there too! You deserve to enjoy life! I exercise!!!  it helps my mental well being but not really the aka or feeling of wanting to die, hopefully here soon this stuff goes! 

[HopeforHealing]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks, you mentioned you’re participating in an online program to help people in wd detox.  Would you mind sharing which program it is?  Has it been helpful?

[Mimi79]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks,

I am reading your thread and you are source of inspiration for me. Thank you so much for that.

I need some tips about how to manage WD related depression. It is a new symptom for me, I’ve never experienced those in all my life... I struggle to cope with it and have the feeling it won’t abate. What did you do to get rid of it, or at least to cope?

 

Thank you!

Mimi79

[FarmGirlWorks]

@HopeforHealing 

Hey so sorryI did not respond in a timely way! No, I never did a detox program. I do have an acupuncturist who is trained in detox needling techniques and I found that helpful. 

 

 @Mimi79

Thanks for saying that... we really need all the support and validation we can get. To answer your question, I seemed to go in cycles of trigger/high anxiety/ exhaustion/depression. Nothing made it go away but I did cope by taking control over what I could (nutrition, kundalini yoga, acupuncture, walking or hydrotherapy) and, eventually acceptance that it would get better when it did and not knowing when that would be (bodies heal — it does get better). 

 

Acceptance is not consent, or liking the situation, or resigning and giving up — it is awareness. So instead of fighting the fried nerves, they were “allowed” to heal at whatever pace that was. And dear god I did not like it for a second. But eventually I felt better. 

 

I am still not eve 90 percent better. But I can honestly say that I have not been depressed since early this year. Anxious — hell, yes. But not the crazy rocket ride that WD is.

 

You’ll get better. Hang in there.

[HopeforHealing]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks, no worries at all - thank you for the response.  I’m glad you found acupuncture helpful.  I’d like to give that a try myself to see if it’s beneficial. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Jan 11, month 45: I love that finally I am not exactly sure of the month and have to count back from year 4 on April 1. God, it seems like yesterday I was in the thick of it and so very desperate. Thank you moderators and especially all the peers here who are on this journey. Success comes, promise! So the update is in a bullet list:

 

CONS

• PTSD anytime I feel triggered and stress (e.g. the holidays). If triggered I am afraid that I will go back to the dark place of WD. That is real and also I am able to talk myself out of it and maybe go for a walk or talk with a friend to come down. But yeah: the PTSD is there.
• Because of the fact that I was not able to work much during WD, I am pivoting to new ideas for income and that brings up Future Anxiety. Again, I go to AA or talk with others to calm.
• Getting much better at time management but definitely was impacted by withdrawal.

PROS

• I realize Yoga and Meditation are important to having a "good day." Every day I do an 11-minute meditation and try to do yoga at least a few times a week (I practice kundalini but anything that helps move breath through your body).
• Exercising more vigorously; because of my disability, biking and snowshoeing. Am planning to retry cross-country skiing.
• More cognitive ability to dive deeper in therapy and AA. "Stinking Thinking" is what got me into the pharmaceutical abyss and the first step was getting the toxins out of my brain. Second step is climbing out of the hole into new thought patterns.
• SI is only fleeting when extremely triggered by abandonment... no longer an intrusive thought. What a gift.

I'm sure there is more but I am so excited about the courage and strength everyone here (even if they may not feel like it) is showing. You can do it, hang in there!

Edited January 12, 2021 by FarmGirlWorks

[Kimboslice]

Thanks for the update hun.. hope I get there too.. I’m not surprised PTSD has become a lingering by product for you. The process is so traumatic how could you forget!! Although I’m sure as more time passes and you spend more days as your new normal, any triggers and memories will naturally fade like everything else has done already so far and be replaced by newly made positive ones. I’m in a horrific wave since travelling home for Xmas. It sucks lol. I could deal with the longevity of withdrawal if it progressively got better as time moved on but every time you feel encouraged by improvements You become equally disheartened by the inevitable drop back into the sh*t that follows. I’m just approaching the two year mark and despite more prominent windows the fact that recovery is unlikely to be imminent is becoming distressing every time I suffer a wave. I think like many, when I came across this forum, I optimistically set aside a two year period for healing and now approaching that marker i’m definitely becoming more anxious about the future and the extent of the damage that has been inflicted on my body. I think you mentioned in your original success post doing the same. How did you move beyond this point and keep looking forward? 

[Jay78]

Kundalini can be activating for trauma, just as a suggestion why don't you try some more pacifying yoga. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Kimboslice, good to hear from you. I definitely relate to you that trips home are triggering. I haven't been back (I am on the west coast of USA and family is on east coast, near DC -- ugh). Was just reading your signature and it is the same timeline, different reasons. Oh sertraline: the gift that definitely does not give until you try to quit and then it is horrible. But good news is that you will make it out of the hell hole of WD. Yup, I remember being at first stoked to write a Success Story after year one (I even had an awesome Mary J Blige video picked), then year two rolled by, then onto nearly year three. And I still feel like recovery is ever so slowly happening but no longer in the thick of it. Am I still triggered? All the time! But the deep down depression and shaking hands anxiety is gone.

 

1 hour ago, Kimboslice said:

I think like many, when I came across this forum, I optimistically set aside a two year period for healing and now approaching that marker i’m definitely becoming more anxious about the future and the extent of the damage that has been inflicted on my body. I think you mentioned in your original success post doing the same. How did you move beyond this point and keep looking forward? 

Great question. I moved forward because that was the only path. Going back into the dark forest of AD use was no longer an option. I read about folks here who did that --reinstated late in the game, after 6 months -- and it really did not help much. To me, the only choice was going forward or something much worse which I am so thankful I did not do. It is kinda like quitting alcohol or pot -- the drunks and highs are no longer as good because our bodies have changed so much. Permanent damage? I don't know because of my age and how long I ravaged myself with alcohol and then SSRIs (plus some major health traumas to my head). But it seems like my cognitive abilities are coming back, sense of humor is back, and with exercise my body is good for a middle-aged lady.

 

I hope that answered your question. I am excited for you at year two and that is over 730 days that you have put between you and a toxin in your body. You will def get there, healing is inevitable.

Edited January 12, 2021 by FarmGirlWorks

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Jay78 Hi. Just read your signature. Sounds like you're off ADs and now onto Benzos. Best of bests there, it's a rough road but you're on the way.

 

Kundalini works on the nervous and glandular systems -- exactly what was damaged by the antidepressants and benzos. It is not a particularly activating form of yoga -- I've been more activated by hatha or vinyasa. In fact, the periods of relaxation between poses allows the body to integrate the movement. The focus is on moving the breath through your body including the brain in preparation for a chanting meditation. I started practicing it a month or two after discontinuing sertraline and found it beyond helpful. In fact, as of this spring, I was certified as a kundalini yoga teacher. It's been studied by Ivy League universities and a particular meditation, the Kirtan Kriya, is recommended and used by the Alzheimers Assoc. to prevent brain loss.

 

There are a lot of misconceptions about kundalini yoga especially with the popular notion of a "kundalini awakening" (not common at all). But it is really a good form of yoga for what we are experiencing as health warriors. Totally sticking with it!

Edited January 13, 2021 by FarmGirlWorks

[Jay78]

Thanks for informing me, it seems I was rather misinformed about kundalini. All the best. 

[Sheera]

@FarmGirlWorksthanks for the update and it’s great to hear that you continue to improve. I’m in the same boat—feel so much better than in the beginning but still have PTSD-like symptoms, anhedonia, and neuroemotions. Slowly but surely we will make a full recovery. Take care ❤️

[Kimboslice]

I’m pleased your well my love. Aha yep.. travelling across the US is a whole different kettle of fish than doing the same here in the UK. Still 5 hours by train mind, and had to work my way across London with 2 bags and my Alaskan Malamute dragging me the whole way. Although I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
 

I agree with your sentiments exactly. The only way out is through but that same point can be the cause of so much frustration at the same time. It’s the bloody the waiting game.. having to be so passive and  putting your health in the hands of time and fate, hoping the lifestyle adjustments you’ve made are enough to assist your body back to health. I’m the kind that likes to sink my teeth in and go full on. 

Now you’re at the tale end of wd have you been able to build a lifestyle that suits your needs..? including more normal activities and elements of Impulse that the withdrawal pattern didn’t allow? 

I ask because I’m currently questioning if the conventional healthy habits I use as the focal point of my weekly routine are actually detrimental. For example I work out 5-6 times a week, weights and cardio, sometimes running 15 odd miles at a time. I’ll stretch 5 times a week, walk the dog. Sometimes the physical activities are only thing that makes me feel alive and give my day purpose, but I have to wonder, is It interfering with my recovery?? (Rhetorical question, no need to answer I’m just blabbering 😂) The whole thing drives me nuts lol!!.  

You mention the drunks and the highs.. What’s your relationship like with alcohol after WD? I’ve also ravaged my body over the years from a young age with everything a sensible adult wouldn’t recommend. It’s a lifestyle I wouldn’t want to go back too but I must admit.. I miss a good drink on a Friday or Saturday night. An evening to let my hair down as you will. A man can dream I suppose 🙄.

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

16 hours ago, Kimboslice said:

my way across London with 2 bags and my Alaskan Malamute dragging me the whole way

That is a fantastic image. You could have put the bags on a skateboard and had the malamute act as a porter.

 

16 hours ago, Kimboslice said:

Now you’re at the tale end of wd have you been able to build a lifestyle that suits your needs..? including more normal activities and elements of Impulse that the withdrawal pattern didn’t allow? 

Good question... does this "Withdrawal Denoument" enabled me to build a lifestyle that suits my needs? Well, my fantasy is skiing and then relaxing by swimming in the ocean and having great conversation with friends around a fire... but I guess those are all "wants" not "needs." I am rebuilding and acknowledging that PTSD is real. Right now I am enmeshed in working the steps of AA and learning about the patterns that got me into psych drugs in the first place. There was definitely bad health luck but a lot of it started long long ago. And I do not ever want to go back to being numb and dumb. I am also working hard with a good therapist. I stand by what I said before I went on Zoloft: I wish I had gotten a good shrink and invested in a gym membership. So to answer your question: not yet but I am working on it. And I could not have done this deep work in withdrawal, no way.

 

16 hours ago, Kimboslice said:

ask because I’m currently questioning if the conventional healthy habits I use as the focal point of my weekly routine are actually detrimental. For example I work out 5-6 times a week, weights and cardio, sometimes running 15 odd miles at a time. I’ll stretch 5 times a week, walk the dog. Sometimes the physical activities are only thing that makes me feel alive and give my day purpose, but I have to wonder, is It interfering with my recovery??

Even though it is rhetorical, I think if it is what gives you a sliver of the feeling a "being alive" then why not do it? Not sure what "conventional healthy habits" are "detrimental." I think everyone's physiology is individual. For some, all that exercise (mad props, btw, for what is a high level of commitment) would trigger too much adrenaline etc. Some of us (me) do better with more exercise. I did yoga, doggy-paddled and walked my dog (terrier-schnauzer-gorilla mix) but now can bike and hike. Going to try cross-country skiing but its success is based on previous health issues with balance, not WD. Anyways, if it feels good and you don't feel bad afterwards, do it. And please send me some of that commitment!

 

16 hours ago, Kimboslice said:

What’s your relationship like with alcohol after WD? I’ve also ravaged my body over the years from a young age with everything a sensible adult wouldn’t recommend. It’s a lifestyle I wouldn’t want to go back too but I must admit.. I miss a good drink on a Friday or Saturday night. An evening to let my hair down as you will. A man can dream I suppose 🙄.

(for the record, I thought you were a female based on your name) I have not had a drink in over 3.5 years so, like an abusive boyfriend, we are no longer in contact and have an active restraining order. 😄 Yeah, I am envious of those who can easily have a relaxing drink but I know it is a slippery slope here. I mention your being male because I have heard/read that as women age, they do not metabolize alcohol as efficiently. I still have an occasional bit of cannabis tincture (cannabis is controversial in AA , I know) before going to bed to help sleep thru the night. There are so many ways to let your hair down but I get it, the desire to fully relax...

 

Love your shares here, thoughtful and make me think. Plus London is awesome.

 

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Sheerasorry I did not see your post. Good to hear from you and that you are doing better. Yeah, the PTSD is real, isn't it. Hoping that with more time in the rearview mirror that it gets smaller and fuzzier, a bad memory not ingrained into the body. The others you mention, anhedonia and neuroemotions, are issues too. Actually, this week I had problems with emotional regulation -- the highs were way too high and then the lows way low. It felt like when I was younger and did MDMA. Stratospheric high, suicidal low. All my life I have yearned for that "high" in various forms and want to set up permanent shop there. Finally (!) have realized that even the natural hormonal/body chemical highs have the same price to pay in the form of lows. Not that I will ever reject the highs but am trying to be more aware (ie accepting) that there is a low afterward. And I am trying to find productive outlets for the highs. Like the other day I baked muffins and made deviled eggs. For me, making food is a neutral activity and calmed me a little.

 

Again, great to hear you.

 

 

[Sheera]

@FarmGirlWorksgood to hear that you’re becoming more aware. I am noticing this with myself as well. This really will help us in the future won’t it?  ❤️
 

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

One year and a few days since posting "Success Story"

Yesterday I had my second insistent craving: falafel with tzatziki sauce. This time I might just get take-out instead of buying all the ingredients like last year. Still! A craving reminds me of all those years of barely eating and hoping whatever new diet I found here (legumes! no legumes! low histamine! no dairy! lots of butter! ionized water! and so on) would save my brain from the hell of withdrawal. It did not. With more space in the rearview mirror between me and Zoloft, I feel Almost Normal. That distance has enabled me to see a positive from withdrawal: intense appreciation of the smallest moments -- a craving, a smile, a wagging tail (and not always my dog's).

 

Of course, I am still gluing together the pieces of what withdrawal broke all those years. Sometimes I think of it like mosaic-ing; a bunch of broken pieces of glass are put together in a beautiful pattern with grout in between. Or the Japanese art of kintsugi, repairing cracks in pottery with gold. Whatever the metaphor, there is fragility in those lovely cracks and I need strategies to protect them. Many of those strategies I read here. Some pieces still fragile are motivation, cognitive fog, and anxiety. The last one may be situational (has anyone else noticed the world is on fire?) but the other two are probably dregs of withdrawal. And, frankly, I am insecure AF about lack of motivation and cog fog. But for the minutes or hours when I'm not insecure, I try to "do stuff." It's a hard slog to get my momentum up to speed where I can coast instead of desperately pedal uphill.

 

Oh: and PTSD! I feel like "PTSD" is an over-used term but it is the best I can think of now. So, I applied to volunteer on a crisis support line. The interview was on Zoom with a few folks and I thought I had it in the bag especially having endured this experience. However, when I started talking about withdrawal I literally froze as all the feelings of how horrible it was flooded into my body. I stammered and then stopped and became teary. Not my best moment. But I realized that I can still be triggered by withdrawal.

 

I do hope that with more time -- it will be 48 months on April 1 -- that I'll recover even more. I've read it happens in other's success stories (again, so so recommended) and believe it will happen for me. And even if there is no more healing, life is definitely better than it was on drugs and alcohol. There is not enough falafel with tzatziki sauce in the world to make me take another drink or another psychodrug.

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by FarmGirlWorks

[Elyssa143]

@FarmGirlWorks this is an amazing update I’m so glad to hear you doing so well. I know it was so tough for you for so long. I’m coming up on 36 months next month and yes my better days are way better but my waves are still extremely hard and I still have the same symptoms inner aka, si, dread, fear of not making it intrusive si, but again much better. But it never gets easier for me to have them, it’s still scares me so much. I worry the back and forth is permanent and I’ll never be fully ok. And I couldn’t live with these feelings it’s very hard. Hugs to you! I’m so glad your doing well! Look forward to hearing back!❤️

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Elyssa143, glad to hear that you are feeling more resilient as 36 months approaches. And yeah, it does seem like it will never get better when you're in those waves. But it most definitely will. The healing already behind you is proof of that. Your're doing all the right things and recovery will come.

[Kimboslice]

Hi @FarmGirlWorks. Just checking in. Hope life is treating you well? 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hi @Kimboslice,

Ups and downs but nowhere near the downs of withdrawal. Sun is out here and that def makes me happier. It's strange how fast things are picking up here as more and more of us get vaccinated. I adamantly will NOT get anything by Pfizer put in my body; just over two years ago I was thinking that I would storm the CEO of Pfizer's office and... well, obviously did not happen but I still hold deep anger against them. Moderna fine and one-shot J&J is my preferred stab.

 

I see you just passed 24months off sertraline -- congrats. I *promise* it gets better. How are you doing?

[Kimboslice]

1 hour ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

Hi @Kimboslice,

Ups and downs but nowhere near the downs of withdrawal. Sun is out here and that def makes me happier. It's strange how fast things are picking up here as more and more of us get vaccinated. I adamantly will NOT get anything by Pfizer put in my body; just over two years ago I was thinking that I would storm the CEO of Pfizer's office and... well, obviously did not happen but I still hold deep anger against them. Moderna fine and one-shot J&J is my preferred stab.

 

I see you just passed 24months off sertraline -- congrats. I *promise* it gets better. How are you doing

[Kimboslice]

Sun?? Is that the thing that appears for two days of the year sometime in July?? This is England. All we get is chilly winds and p!ssing rain. 🥶  

 

I’m so with you on there. I refuse to ingest anything chemically medicinal whatsoever. I’m just sceptical of the origin of this virus and how it came to infect the planet. After all the suffering I’ve endured at the hand of taking government approved substances I’ve become a bit of a conspiracy theorist if you will and find the whole mass vaccination a bit suspect. It probably is just a trust issue thing but I simply will never believe anything artificially manufactured Is the answer again. Unless life or death of course. But I understand it’s needs must for some.. I get it.

 

Aha I remember reading your fantasies of Invading Pfizer headquarters. 😂 Don’t worry.. I’d be right behind you.. pitch fork in hand 😈.

How am I? Okay I suppose.  In a bit of a rough patch. I’ve become a little depressed passing the two year mark feeling so much ground is still to be made. But I’ll get there. Baby steps, Baby steps, Baby steps. That’s the plan going forward anyway.
 

I’m gonna hold you too that promise btw 😊

 

Much love.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Def hold me to it as it will get better. Two years sucked hard and it didn’t really turn around until much later and the change happened quickly. Sorry to hear that a rough patch is hassling you. Healing does not feel good, unfortunately  😭 Ugh: wish it did!

[Kimboslice]

It’s good to hear. Had a really good 5 days that indicate a good amount of healing has Already taken place. A lot easier to keep perspective when the clouds above thin a little. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

4 year update: As of April 1, I hit 48 months off of the sertraline. Whatever changes have happened the last year, they have been subtle. If anything, I no longer go to suicidal ideation if there is a situational stressor. And, I can think and act as if my world will not end tomorrow. By that, I mean I recently dipped my toes in investing and am considering realistically how I can retool income-related skills at my age.

 

I am much kinder to others and do not feel the blinding, existential despair that made it impossible to see anyone except myself as having problems. I still am more self-centered than I would like but I do not think it's a residual of WD -- it's just me and something I am improving.

 

Areas still problematic are difficulties focusing, effective time management, and cog fog. For the first two, I have an appointment in a few weeks with a physiatrist whom a TBI (traumatic brain injury) friend recommended specifically for this. I've noticed in the last few months that I completely go blank in mid-sentence and then panic which makes it worse. Also hoping she will refer me to hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) through my insurance; I did it once out-of-pocket and felt it decreased both cog fog and anxiety for at least a few days. I am doing three more sessions on my own and am hoping for good results. I take a little bit of CBD tincture before bed and that seems okay, I definitely sleep better.

 

Admittedly, I have some "soul lag" with everything opening up and people going back to work. I desperately needed what was a year of rest and recharge albeit scary at times and also sad when people I knew died. Just got my first vaccine a couple days ago (Moderna because no way in hell was I going to get something by Pfizer stuck in my body). The first two days I was sore and today I am just wiped out and a bit sad. Part of it was the overwhelm of seeing so many in "3D" for Easter. It was just a lot. But nothing compared to earlier WD. Hang in there, folks -- it does get better even if life still happens. xxoo.