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Mimi79: Will I survive?


Mimi79

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I'm not able to stand back and observe very often...but I'm starting to see how it could be. Honestly, we just have to stop believing our own thoughts. They are just thoughts. When they tell us we're stuck forever and we feel desperate, our thoughts don't know that. They cannot tell the future. My thoughts have told me a million things over the years that never came to be true. Start being suspicious of that computer in your head. In the meantime, check in to YouTube. Look for Dr. Amy Johnson, Nicola Bird, Eckhart Tolle and MIchael Priebe and Michael Neill. When you can focus, spend time with these videos. If you're too anxious to listen, let the emotion pass. Walk or watch tv or talk to a friend. But the emotion WILL pass. Dr. Johnson refers to our minds as a snow globe. We shake them up with all kinds of thinking. They will settle down on their own if you give them time. Hope this helps,

Lynn

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

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Dear @Mimi79   Yes you will survive, you've already survived 100% of your bad days, you just have to keep going.   You didn't ruin your life in 2 days, and your life is not over.

Hi this video proves how powerful neuroplasticity is, a women and her story     

Hold.  It’s not about how fast you reduce.  It’s about how comfortable you are as you slowly reduce the drug.  If you go too fast, you will end up very sick.  Reductions tend to build on one another,

  • Administrator
20 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

I would like to calm myself, but don’t know where to start. It is so intense!!!

 

Start by changing the channel:

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

Make a list of things you can do when your brain goes into worry and obsess mode and then do them. After awhile, it will become automatic. 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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@Shep,

My OCD-like symptom is kind of hyper awareness when I cannot stop thinking about a bodily sensation. What is hard with it, it is always present. I’m always feeling those sensations, so even if I try to change the channel, the sensation is still there. I can feel it. So it never stop. I have only a short break when I sleep. It is pure torture. 
 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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I need some help. As my symptoms are strong, do I need to come back to 45mg of Mirtazapine or I only need more time to stabilize? What should I do? 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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14 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

I need some help. As my symptoms are strong, do I need to come back to 45mg of Mirtazapine or I only need more time to stabilize? What should I do? 

 

Mimi, what dose were you on when your symptoms were less severe? From your signature, you haven't been on 45 mg mirtazepine since 2019. Since your nervous system is more unstable now, it would likely hyper-react to too high an updose. 

 

 

18 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

@Shep,

My OCD-like symptom is kind of hyper awareness when I cannot stop thinking about a bodily sensation. What is hard with it, it is always present. I’m always feeling those sensations, so even if I try to change the channel, the sensation is still there. I can feel it. So it never stop. I have only a short break when I sleep. It is pure torture. 
 

 

Is the sensation painful? How many hours are you sleeping? 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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@Shep Thank you for your help!

The sensation is not painful, but I can’t stop feeling it and focus on it. 
Fortunately, for now I sleep well almost night. I sleep maybe 7-8 hours of good sleep. 

I have hold on 45mg of Mirtazapine in order to stabilize from last February until October. At this point, I was feeling stable enough to resume my taper, so I started to do the Brassmonkey on October 21. At the end of my first tapering cycle (after 4 weeks), I fell in a hole of full symptoms. I was at 40.5mg back then. 
After a week of enduring bad symptoms (depression, anhedonia, anxiety), I updose a little bit to 41.625mg. One week later, I updose again to where I am now, at 42,25mg. After this updosing, I saw a great improvement in my symptoms and I thought I was ok, but few days later my OCD symptoms (I didn’t have it since May) came back. I panicked and this is where I am today.
I’m wondering  if updosing again could help with this symptom. But I’m not convinced since this symptom (ocd) appeared just after the last updosing, even if it was a very small updosing (0.5mg). 
On the other side, I have the feeling that stabilizing at 42,25mg is maybe the better option.

 

What do you think about it?

Thank you!

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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32 minutes ago, Mimi79 said:

The sensation is not painful, but I can’t stop feeling it and focus on it. 

 

Mimi, I've handled painful post-dental work with video games. And there's nothing special about me - anyone can distract through many challenging things. We see that all the time on this forum and other withdrawal forums. And if it's not painful, then you really need to work on your non-drug coping skills because this is the perfect learning opportunity. The more you practice, the more automatic it becomes. You're giving this sensation way more power than you need to. 

 

Your symptoms are teachers and the more you can learn from them, the stronger you'll be to handle your life off these drugs. 

 

Find something you enjoy doing and go for it. If you can target your non-drug coping skills toward dealing with OCD and ruminating thoughts, that would be best. But if not, simply playing a video game or finding other distractions can be helpful. Your mentioned never having OCD symptoms before withdrawal, but if you don't learn how to deal with them in a healthy way, the negative side of neuroplasticity may set in and carve these kinds of thoughts - and your reactions to them - into your healing process and slow it down. Please don't give that a chance to happen. 

 

 

35 minutes ago, Mimi79 said:

I’m wondering  if updosing again could help with this symptom. But I’m not convinced since this symptom (ocd) appeared just after the last updosing, even if it was a very small updosing (0.5mg). 
On the other side, I have the feeling that stabilizing at 42,25mg is maybe the better option.

 

If it's possible that this symptom came from updosing, I would not updose. Are there any other things that could be causing it? PMS? Dietary changes? Work or family stress? No need to go into details, but you may want to do a life inventory and just make sure there's nothing transient going on that will pass if you simply continue to hold your dose steady. 

 

You haven't been at 42.25 mg since October and if your nervous system is more destabilized now, you may hyper-react to the higher dose. If you are going to updose, I would not go any higher than 40.5mg, which is where you were about a month ago. 

 

45 minutes ago, Mimi79 said:

Fortunately, for now I sleep well almost night. I sleep maybe 7-8 hours of good sleep. 

 

Since your sleep is very good, please concentrate on the non-drug coping skills and distractions to help you with the daytime symptoms. I'm very glad to read your sleep is this good. 

 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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@Shep 

5 hours ago, Shep said:

Your mentioned never having OCD symptoms before withdrawal, but if you don't learn how to deal with them in a healthy way, the negative side of neuroplasticity may set in and carve these kinds of thoughts - and your reactions to them - into your healing process and slow it down. Please don't give that a chance to happen. 

Do you mean that if I pay it too much attention, it will stay forever and I could become a real OCD person? I thought that if it is WD related, that it will go away by itself, without doing nothing. This is what I say to myself to encourage me. Because the last times I had this awful OCD, it fade away by itself, without doing nothing, and despite the fear it was causing me. I thought it would be always like this...

 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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This « negative side of neuroplasticity » thing scares me a lot! I don’t want to become an OCD person, as it seems to me this is the worst thing it could happen. I though that once I will be done with drugs, that my CNS will be back to my old baseline and that I will be like I was before meds, a no-worry person. It desperate me! I thought I could just wait until it passes and go away...

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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There is no such thing as an OCD person. Only OCD thoughts. All thoughts come and go. I think the point is that there is some truth to what we resists persists, to some degree. If we keep looking a those thoughts and being afraid of them, they get recognized by the brain as something important because we attach energy to them and they get cycled back a bit. Regardless, over time, they will fade. It's just so much easier on us if we relax into them as much as possible. They are only thoughts and nothing to be afraid of. Bottom line, underneath the thoughts you are mentally healthy and well. Always.

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

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1 minute ago, MarieR said:

here is no such thing as an OCD person. Only OCD thoughts. All thoughts come and go. I think the point is that there is some truth to what we resists persists, to some degree.

Yes, this is partly true, I think, but WD influence a lot, because I had this OCD (and as bad as today) last May, and even if I was panicking a lot with it at this time too, I wake up the next day and it was surprisingly disappeared. Even if I forced myself to think about it, it was totally gone. Overnight and effortless. I wish it will be the same thing now. I hope to wake up in the next day and that it will be gone without me doing nothing. 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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I have no doubt that WD has a huge influence. I'm going through the same thing right now...lots of scary thoughts that come out of nowhere. But, I KNOW that the less I focus on them the better. One day you will wake up and they will be gone. Then down the road you may have this happen again. It's part of life, and happens to people who aren't going through WD as well. Please remember that none of this is permanent. It may not resolve as fast as we wish, but it WILL resolve. We are designed to handle feelings and thoughts. You CAN deal with this. 

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

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@MarieR Thanks. I hope I will reach this point! 
I remember the woman I was before taking ADs. I was super relax, always positive. I just want to be back the one I was 12 years ago. Those pills have changed my personality so much, I am a wreck.

 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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Please know that I understand. I long for the peace I felt before being on meds. I WAS struggling with anxiety, but the anxiety symptoms I have now are like that anxiety on steroids. Just remind yourself, like I do, that THAT peace is inside us. Always. It's just buried under lots of ugly thinking. But it hasn't gone away. And if we pay attention, we get glimpses of it. Fleeting, but glimpses all the same. And remember, all we need to live is this moment. That's it. One moment at a time my friend.💜

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

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  • Administrator
19 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

@Shep 

Do you mean that if I pay it too much attention, it will stay forever and I could become a real OCD person? I thought that if it is WD related, that it will go away by itself, without doing nothing. This is what I say to myself to encourage me. Because the last times I had this awful OCD, it fade away by itself, without doing nothing, and despite the fear it was causing me. I thought it would be always like this...

 

 

MarieR is giving you fantastic advice. 

 

I just want to address the comment I bolded in this quote. We really don't know why some people take longer than others to heal. It's possible that the people hit the hardest by withdrawal are the most neuroplastic - their brains and bodies adapted so well to the drug that removing it causes more damage. 

 

But it also could be related to self-defeating or self-sabotaging thinking, which only serves to place additional stress on your nervous system.

 

It would be like if you broke your leg and instead of resting and keeping your weight off it, you went jogging on it every day. 

 

The best way to not stress out your nervous system with heavy thoughts is to really work at the non-drug coping skill of simply letting those thoughts pass without engaging in them. Learning to distract can be a great first step. 

 

18 hours ago, MarieR said:

There is no such thing as an OCD person. Only OCD thoughts. All thoughts come and go.

 

This is brilliant, Marie. 

 

 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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Oh my gosh, Shep. I love the broken leg analogy. That's exactly what we do to ourselves. Innocently, but we do. I also appreciate your take on the neuroplasticity explanation. I've been off meds for over a year and a half but am still having symptoms that seem like WD rather than just a return of my prior anxiety. It's like my brain is a toddler that has lost its blankie and is in a tantrum to get it back. My system seems to want to return to how it felt on lexapro, even though it wasn't "normal." It continues to claim that it was so normal and it wants back there! I refuse to go back, so I just have to live with the tantrums in hopes they subside someday. Thank you for all you and the others do to make this process bearable. It means more than I can say,

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

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Hi @MarieR and @Shep,

Thank you so much for your words, your truthful thoughts. When I’m in a wave, I loose my sense of clarity. 

 

6 hours ago, Shep said:

It's possible that the people hit the hardest by withdrawal are the most neuroplastic - their brains and bodies adapted so well to the drug that removing it causes more damage. 

I’ve always had the feelings that I was in this particular case. Every meds they throw at me, I adapted very well to it, without negative effects. But maybe I’m wrong...

But what I don’t understand, if someone has  more neuroplasticity, why it is so hard to adapt to the removing of the drugs? Neuroplasticity doesn’t seems to work in both ways...

 

Yesterday Evening and this morning, I had a short break where my OCD symptoms fade away. It was a short break, but it reminds me how temporary those symptoms are, and that I don’t have to do nothing about it, it will resolve by itself. Like you said, in the meantime, I have to nurture my CNS and avoid catastrophic thoughts. It is not easy.

 

I have a lot of stress, at my job and in my personal life, my father being hospitalized. And like everyone, I’m completely tired of the Covid19 reality. I see it has negative effects on my nervous system. I will try to follow your advices as much as I am able to.

 

Thank you so much.

 

Mimi79



 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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Good to hear that you are having little breaks. Even little ones mean that it's not permanent. Might I suggest one more thing. By all means take care of yourself, but don't try too hard. These thoughts are like weather. They will pass on their own. Try to do less rather than more. You can't control thoughts. But you can pay less attention to them, and definitely you can not believe them. Thoughts aren't truth. : )

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

Link to post
  • Administrator
15 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

But what I don’t understand, if someone has  more neuroplasticity, why it is so hard to adapt to the removing of the drugs? Neuroplasticity doesn’t seems to work in both ways...

 

True. There's a lot we simply don't understand about this.

 

And it may have to do with how much these drugs change the brain over time so that the brain is no longer working like it once did. Dr. Giovanni Fava has written a great deal about this, as Robert Whitaker notes in his article "Now Antidepressant-Induced Chronic Depression Has a Name: Tardive Dysphoria".

 

Over time,  your brain adjusts to this drug and its actions, so the faster you remove the drug, the more your nervous system struggles to keep up. 

 

There's also the concept of nervous system kindling. So if you've gone round and round with polypharmacy or even from just one drug to the next, your limbic system is no longer as strong as it was.

 

Lots of variables in the equation.  

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

Link to post
On 12/20/2020 at 7:37 AM, Shep said:

 

There's also the concept of nervous system kindling. So if you've gone round and round with polypharmacy or even from just one drug to the next, your limbic system is no longer as strong as it was.

Is it possible to reverse those effects? I mean, can I hope that I will be able to live without drugs? Or my limbic system is doomed?

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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  • Administrator

Hello, mimi. Yes, your hyper-sensitivity and tendency to kindling will fade if you let your nervous system rest. 

 

Neuroplasticity does work both ways. You may not notice adaptation while it's occurring; re-adaptation can take a while.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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@Shep and @Altostrata

Thank you for your insight. 
I still have some worries now, because I’m still in a bad wave since November. 
At this time, I was at the end of the first cycle of tapering with the Brassmonkey method. I have decreased from 45mg to 40,5mg in four weeks (2,5% per week). Prior to that, I’ve been stabilizing since February, so I stabilized for a good 8 months. 
Although I was very careful, I hit a bad wave, forcing me to stop my taper at the very beginning. 
I wonder how am I going to do it now. Do I have to stabilize more than 8 months from now? Maybe it was not enough? Or maybe I can start again, but with smaller cut? I feel very disappointed as it is not working as I expected. All my plans are doomed.

I have this awful feeling that I’ll never be able to stop this drug. I know the microtaper, but  with the fact that each day I take this drug is one too many times, I’m afraid microtaper will allow this drug to make more and more damage to my CNS, as it means taking this drug few more years.

If you want to give me your thoughts about it, it would be nice.

 

Thank you so much!

Mimi79

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

Link to post

I’m asking those questions because I don’t want to suffer and to make mistake anymore. 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

Link to post
  • Administrator
22 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

At this time, I was at the end of the first cycle of tapering with the Brassmonkey method. I have decreased from 45mg to 40,5mg in four weeks (2,5% per week). Prior to that, I’ve been stabilizing since February, so I stabilized for a good 8 months. 

 

It looks like you're tapering too fast for your nervous system to handle. 

 

This is from about a month ago:

 

On 11/25/2020 at 10:21 PM, Mimi79 said:

Yesterday, I updosed a little bit (was at 40.5mg, upped to 41,625mg) and today the symptoms lessened a lot. Tonight, I feel pretty good. Some symptoms left, but way more manageable than during the last 4-5 days. 

 

You're currently reducing by 10% a month. You may want to go with a micro-taper of no faster than 3 or 5% a month. 

 

Please update your signature to reflect your current dose of 40.5 mg and the date you reduced. You may benefit from another updose.

 

Please post your thoughts on this. 

 

 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

Link to post

@Shep My signature is already updated. On 12-03, I updosed again to reach 42,2mg. It helps a little bit, but now I don’t want to updose again, as it is very discouraging for me. I prefer to stabilize on it. And I know that even if I updose again, it doesn’t mean my OCD symptoms will fade, because those symptoms arised after my last updosing. 
 

For now, I would like to stabilize until those symptoms fade away, to wait few weeks then resume my taper with very slow decrement (3 or 5% per month).

 

I have the feeling that my CNS didn’t like the change of those each week. I think I will try one change once a month instead.

 

I really try to follow your tips about changing the channel or trying to distract myself from my thoughts, and it was working slowly, but another type of OCD thoughts arises 2 days ago, a new obsession, and all my efforts became useless. It’s like starting at the beginning, as I have to face a new monster that I’m not use to. Not easy...

 

I try to not be discouraged as I am telling to myself that a new challenge can teach me new skills to face the next one...

 

Thank you so much.

 

Mimi79

 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

Link to post

I hope this helps. Please allow yourself to see that it isn't a new monster. I believed that for myself as well. But if you can let the thoughts settle even a little, or some time to pass, you'll come to see that it is the same thing in different clothing. It's ALL thought. Thought that arises, we connect to, and then it doesn't pass as easily because we innocently gave it extra energy. It's all good. There is nothing to do. Whether you do anything or not it WILL pass. Perhaps a new one will come. They always do for me. But I'm starting to see that this is part of the human experience. All people have times where they experience these things. Seeing that allows us to perhaps relax a little, sometimes, into the experience. It is NOT as serious as it feels. Remember, we are healing...and healing by nature makes some things super sensitive. That is simply part of the process. We are designed to do this process without interference by our thoughts. Over time, as our moods shift, our thoughts won't look so monstrous any more. To me, it's a price I'm willing to pay to leave the drugs behind. Dealing with thoughts and emotions that feel scary and serious, but cannot actually hurt me is a way better place to be in than taking drugs that I KNOW can hurt me.

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

Link to post
  • Administrator
20 hours ago, Mimi79 said:

@Shep My signature is already updated. On 12-03, I updosed again to reach 42,2mg. It helps a little bit, but now I don’t want to updose again, as it is very discouraging for me. I prefer to stabilize on it. And I know that even if I updose again, it doesn’t mean my OCD symptoms will fade, because those symptoms arised after my last updosing. 
 

For now, I would like to stabilize until those symptoms fade away, to wait few weeks then resume my taper with very slow decrement (3 or 5% per month).

 

Thanks for this information, Mimi. What you're planning - hold & stabilize and then do a micro-taper - sounds like a wise plan. 

Drug free May 22, 2015 after 30 years of neuroleptics, benzos, z-drugs, so-called "anti"-depressants, and amphetamines 

 

My Success Story:  Shep's Success: "Leaving Plato's Cave"

 

And what is good, Phaedrus, and what is not good — need we ask anyone to tell us these things? ~ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

 

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Hi everyone,

Now, for the last 2 days, I have a new symptom I’ve rarely had, and this is depression. I’m really use to have anxiety, but depression is totally new to me.

I would like to ask if it is normal and what can I don about it? I’m really afraid of it!!

Thanks

Mimi79

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

Link to post

I'm sorry to hear of your new symptom. It's been one of mine since March. Just like anxiety or any other feeling or mood, we don't need to do anything about it necessarily. It's just energy being interpreted as scary. Think of it this way. Sometimes it rains for an hour. Sometimes a day. Sometimes weather can be gloomy for weeks. But it is not permanent. Here's a video that might help.

 

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

Link to post

And this one:

 

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

Link to post

Thank you @MarieR,

You are such an advised person. You are always there to help me and encourage me. Thank you so much!

Now I will try to meditate a bit. I hope it will help.

 
Mimi79 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

Link to post

You know, I think that WD processes contribute to our anxiety/depression for sure. But that doesn't mean that we can't benefit in seeing how it is still ALL thought created. And NOT that we are intentionally creating it. We are just misinterpreting all that energy in a certain way. Again, the less we focus on the content of our thoughts and just understand that we are thinking and creating stories that aren't true, and that in this moment and the next we are and will be okay regardless can take some of the weight off of us. Healing is not easy, but it IS doable. When all else fails, I do what Dr. Claire Weekes recommended and just imagine myself floating on top of the anxiety or depression. Just lightly laying there and floating...

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

Link to post

I know how it feels...when we post we really need to know that we're heard. And I relate to your experience. I've meditated for years, but it didn't really help me much until I realized the WHY...it just if our mind is quieter we will feel more settled in our bodies. I get too hung up on the breathing, so I find that I simply take time to walk quietly around the house...there are lots of helpful forms of meditation. Remember too...it IS all passing. It IS. The way you felt 10 minutes ago will NEVER be replicated exactly ever again. : )

MarieR

started 20 mg escitalopram 2011

failed CT attempt 2014 (4 months off)

back on 20 mg escitalopram 2014

began too fast taper (dr. recommendation, didn't know better) Jan. 2019

Taper: 3/4 of pill 4 weeks, 1/2 of pill 2 weeks and 1/4 of pill for 2 weeks

Off meds Mar. 7, 2019

Link to post

Hi, Mimi,

 

I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing depression. In my view, that is a sign that I need to stop and rest.  
 

Keeping walking, of course, but don’t start anything new, don’t try to do more than the minimum, look for ways to pare back what you have to do.  Use paper plates and cups (yes, even if you have a dishwasher), eat sandwiches, cured meat, cheese and crackers, raw or dried fruits and raw vegetables, canned soup, etc. to avoid cooking.  Wear only dark colors so that there is no laundry sorting, and let the white socks and underwear go in with the darks.  Simplify each part of your day.  Pick out a very limited set of clothes — 3 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, one jacket, one coat, and a couple of pairs of shoes, and put everything else away.  Keep it all quite simple as if you are going on vacation. You don’t have the energy to deal with more.  This is temporary, and it’s ok.  
 

There is plenty of healthy food that is easy to handle where I live.  I hope that’s true for you.  My child loves frozen fruit — berries, peaches.  I give her a cup of warm milk with the fruit (Microwaved 1 1/2 minutes) so that she doesn’t freeze in the Winter.  She eats raw tomatoes and carrots.  Hi n days you have more energy you can blend frozen or fresh kale into canned tomato sauce.  Kale has no flavor.  Pop this on some pasta, and voila, green veggies down the hatch!
 

I tend to get depressed after each wave.  It’s a sign the wave is ending for me.  Hopefully it is for you, too, but you may want to keep the simplified household plan for a while.  Don’t feel guilty about the paper plates.  You are quite sick, and when you get well you can go back to washing all those dishes.  


Sending you all the best,

Rosetta

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to post

Thank you , @Rosetta 

Your words are calming for me. It removes the guilt and pressure I put sometimes on my shoulder. 
Depression has lessened a bit yesterday afternoon, after going to see my mom and dad. Seeing my dearest ones always makes me feel happier. I can’t see my family as often as I want, because of Covid19. It was very hard for me to have a Christmas Day without them. Of course, it can contribute to my depression feelings.

I hope this wave will lessen soon. Today,  This depression was replace by anxiety and fatigue. Very bizarre how symptoms are merging. 
Fortunately, I can count on my husband and my daughters. My daughters really help me, they are doing their own laundry, the cleaning of the house, sometime they make diner. I’m lucky to have them. And my husband always wash the dishes. This is his task. But I’m still forcing myself to do a lot of thing, because I don’t want to be a burden for them. This is something I have to work on, accepting my limits.

 

Thank you so much for your support...

 

Mimi79

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

Link to post

Hi everyone. I think I need some encouragement since I don’t see light at the end of this tunnel...
It’s been 7 weeks now that I’m in this wave. This is far the worst since a year and I know it has been triggered by my attempt to start my taper. Symptoms are relentless, first I had anhedonia, then Intrusive thoughts, and now for the last 7 days, I’m in a thick depression. And it doesn’t seem to abate. I had some better days during the week, but the depression feelings was never far away.

with this symptom, I try to stay positive, but it is not easy. 
I can believe just cutting 4,5mg from 45mg put me in this hell for so long! I think it will be my longest wave ever...

Is it normal? Is it normal that I experience such hard wave for so long with this tiny cut? 

Thank you...

 

2008-2019: various ADs at various doses, initially for anxiety related insomnia.

2015: C/T Paxil - GP switch me to Mirtazapine and Pristiq. 2018: Switched Pristiq to Venlafaxine (For tapering)

2019-01: Stopped Venlafaxine after a 10 months taper. Updosed Mirtazapine to 45mg.

Summer 2019: Fast taper of Mirtazapine. Sept 2019, down to 30mg, hit bad W/D symptoms, so updosed to 45mg.

Tried escitalopram 10mg, C/T after 4 weeks. Tried Buspar, C/T after 5 days.

Jan 2020: Second mirtazapine weaning attempt, but end of january, big wave of symptoms, back to 45mg Mirtazapine.

Feb 2020: 50mg quetiapineXR, CT after 1 week. 21 Feb 2020, found SA and staying on 45mg Mirtazapine, waiting for stabilization.

Quetiapine 25mg  PRN since may 2019, March 2020 stopped.

Mirtazapine taper, from 45mg:  2020-10-21 43.88mg, 10-28 42.75mg, 11-04 41.63mg, 11-11 40.5mg, 11-24 41.6mg, 12-03 42.20mg, updose 2021–01-15 to 42,7 and holding.

Ativan prn since jan 2021. Became accidentally dep. March 2021.
2021-03-21 Ativan 0,29mg / 2021-03-28 0.28mg/ 2021-04-08 0.27mg/

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, Omega-3, D vit, Probiotic.

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