Re39: Hi

[Re39]

Hi, im Re.. and this is my story..

 

Im 39. I was assistant to CEO for 10 years. Had think-tank business with my friends about 2-3 years ago. Last week i signed papers to delegate my job to my business partners, as it hard for me to think in proper anymore, and this year get worst (hard to recalled/exact words or database from my brain).
Im on benzos & ssri for 14 years and counting.. My presc. meds per day are: 2mg xanax, 2mg estazolam, 10mg prozac (first 20mg yrs ago, forgot what year, been a year really hard to recalled specific memory).

Around first 2-3 years, I never missed my pills, then am not dicipline take my meds anymore until today. I never know about my presc. meds., i mean the withdtawal, or what will happen if am not dicipline or even cold turkey, etc. My psychiatrist never explained about them. I met her 14 years ago, bc im in deep **** of stress, not to mentioned my traumas. So never crossed in my mind, these meds are same dangerous as illegal drugs, if i missed my pills for day(s) or week(s). I trust my doc. Was. Well. Not anymore.

Been 4 years or so, i had more than 10 car accidents, 2 of them almost got killed me.

Extreme behaviour more than 10 years (i remember my colleagues & friends tried to tell me many times, that am changed. Re (me), who love to make a joke, easy to laugh even your jokes not funny, know how to lights up the parties, love life, easy going, is gone. I ignored them.

Suicide thoughts & attempts for few times. There was a time I cant trust myself around knives, scissors, forks, electricity plug (so i have to sealed them, after i use it). Sometimes i stop in the middle of train tracks, until people tried to bang my car to move, so i moved.

 

Unlike my car accidents before *i sleep when i drive (even with 2mg estazolam & 1mg xanax at night, cant sleep easily, tons of workloads to do until 3/4 am; then leave at 6am to work, traffic jam here is horrible). I know it sounds fantastic. Believe me it wasnt. Sometimes i fall asleep when i drive, then awake my car was ready to jump from the bridge (the barrier were high, so my car like climbing before jump)*.. Now, my mind play new tricks on me, many times i tried to hit my car with others. Everytime that thoughts comes up. I pull over.

More than 12 years hard to sleep easily and became workaholic, even with those meds. I still can work almost 20 hrs everyday. Until last week, i had to give up. I cant work in proper anymore.

Forgot what year i pushed everyone away from me. Family, my best friends, my fiancè. Without any reasonable reasons. I shut them off of my life.

Last mid year, im tired with all bullsh*t I've had. So, i drive 4 hours to small town, with my last each strips of my meds. Worked remotely. One day something triggered my trauma. I lost control. Crawled to reach the door to get help.

Last Dec, back to the city. See my doc again. She gave me same meds. Same dose.

Then i start create an account on one of social media platform. First, i thought i just look for some motivation words. Until i see there's benzos survivors from some motivator's followers.

Start to followed them. And more to follow from he/her followers. Until last month, around mid January, someone talked about benzos withdrawal & akathisia. Shocked. I threw up many times. Shaking. Dizzy. I can feel my right shoulder freezed. Feets cold. Take extra xanax to calm me down. Finaly, finish reading in hours.

My curiosity gets bigger everyday.. feel sick & cant stop my tears everytime i read all the symptoms  from survivors..

Then i see my doc. Tell her. Im worried about my brain, as i hard to recalled everything in proper/right. But she said im fine. I said am not fine. She said it just my work stressed, and do not missed any pills ever again. She gave same meds again. Same dose. Without explanations about my withdrawal, or cold turkeyed i had last year, along with my trauma.

Last Wednesday i tried to find 2nd opinions. He didnt much help either. Instead he gave me new meds. I asked what his diagnosed about my conditions. He didnt answer it clearly, i mean he just say need some brain test and he gave me new meds. I read the presc. are new meds, and those are mixed drugs, each consist of some benzos & ssri. He gave me higher dose than my (14 yrs) doc.

 

He gave morning & afternoon intakes higher than my dose before (prozac & xanax). Night intake also higher than estazolam to help me sleep.

 

My new presc. consists mixed of 3-4 drugs benzos & 1 ssri, for each capsules i believe.

 

Speechless. I just cried. Cant find any words to argue with him any longer. How come from traumas & work stress end-up like this?

Finish the session, without buy my meds. Drive straight to go home, in tears. I feel i dont know me anymore. How could i blind, stupid, being workaholic till i drop, etc.. for unbelieveable 14 years.

Hope you can follow my story, again, hard for me to find the exact words. Thats why I let my work go.

To be honest, i dont know what am looking for here. What to expect after i tell my story. But someone encouraged me to get here, since hard for me to get offline therapy community for prescribed harm people, in my city/country. So, here i am.

Edited February 22, 2020 by manymoretodays
Added user name to title

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, Re39.

 

We are a site for tapering off psychiatric drugs and helping members cope with withdrawal symptoms from these drugs.  We aren't a general mental health support site.  If you want help tapering off your drugs, we can assist you.

 

Important questions:

1. If I understand you correctly, there were times when you would go weeks without taking your drugs?  Is that correct?  

2. Then you would start taking them again, the stop again.  Is that correct?  

3. Are you now taking any of your drugs?  

4. If so, are they the drugs your 14 year doctor gave you or the drugs your new doctor gave you?

5. If you're taking the drugs the new doctor gave you, what are they and what dosage?

5. If you're taking your drugs, are you taking them regularly?

5. If you're not taking any your drugs, when was the last time time you took them?

6. Do you want to stay on the drugs?

6. Are you suicidal now?

 

Your three drugs (Prozac, Xanax, Estazolam) create a very real physiological dependence and if you stop taking them, you go into withdrawal because your body has become accustomed to functioning with the drug and finds it difficult to function without them.  

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

The following link lists common antidepressant withdrawal symptoms.  Benzo withdrawal symptoms are similar.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can answer my questions, ask your own questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

[Re39]

Hi Gridley, thank you for your feedback.

 

Here's my response to yours:

1. Yes.

2. Yes.

3. Yes.

-Xanax 1mg for about a week (from 2mg)

-Estazolam 1mg for about a week (from 2mg)

-I throw my Prozac 10mg about a week ago. *will see my doc next thursday.

 

4. Those drugs from my 14 year psychiatrist.

 

5. After 2-3 years, I didnt dicipline take my meds - present. Sometimes i missed those pills for day(s), and been tried stop all at once last year, for weeks.

 

6. No. I did not buy my new presc.meds from my new doc.

He gave me mixed medicines for 1 capsule consist of:

 

Night intake (in 1 capsule)

Alprazolam 1mg

Lorazepam 0.5mg

Mirtazapine 15mg

Divalproex 150mg

 

Morning & Afternoon (each in 1 capsule)

Alprazolam 0.5mg

Divalproex 100mg

Clofritis 5mg

 

I dont know how to read prescription. But i can give you the photo, maybe you can read 'em.

 

8. No. I dont want take any more drugs. Old one. Or new one. I hate them. I hate them so much. That's why i never dicipline after 2-3 years with them. But hell my doc didnt tell me about anything. Fine, this is my problem and her. Agree.

 

9. No am not dead yet. I almost got killed so many times, yes. Lucky am alive and wondering still can text here, right? This is my problem. Agree.

 

10. Understand your not a doctor or medical professional. I read the disclaimer. Fully understand.

 

Look, i dont know why am here. Survivors in my social media encouraged me to get here.

 

Like i said. I didn't know about my presc.meds could harmed me before. I've learned from the survivors. Enriched my knowledge from them. Then they asked me to go to this site.

 

You know, im really sorry. Of course you and everyone dont understand. How can you all understand me, if am not understand myself? Indeed.

 

Sorry to bother all of you here. Will try to find the way to unreg from this site.

 

Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

 

Warmly,

Re.

[Re39]

Hi Gridley, you one of the moderator, right? Mind to help me to unregister my account? I find myself hard to look the unreg button/link. Im sorry I couldnt find it. My eyes too wet, i guess. So will you help me to do that, so I wont bother you all here any longer? Thank you so much.

Hi Gridley, you one of the moderator, right? Mind to help me to unregister my account? I find myself hard to look the unreg button/link. Im sorry I couldnt find it. My eyes too wet, i guess. So will you help me to do that, so I wont bother you all here any longer? Thank you so much.

[Gridley]

21 minutes ago, Re39 said:

 

 

5 minutes ago, Re39 said:

Mind to help me to unregister my account?

I'm not able to do this.  I'll pass your request along to the administrators.

 

In the meantime, just so you know, if you've been taking the Xanax and the Estazolam regularly, you are dependent (addicted)and it would be dangerous to stop them quickly (cold turkey).  We recommend tapering by 10% of current dose every four weeks.  Same with the Prozac if you've been taking it regularly.

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

Edited February 22, 2020 by Gridley
include tapering information

[Rhiannon]

Hello Re.

 

My history is something like yours. For 18 years I was always trying to take less meds, stopping them, starting again when I got too sick, reducing doses, experimenting with different meds, etc. I got into pretty bad shape and pushed away friends, relationships, etc. I lost everything. So I can relate to you.

 

Twelve years ago I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and put on different meds. I quit those meds and crashed into a dark place. I was put on some different meds. I tried starting a new job but my brain didn't work, I quit one of the meds, crashed again, ended up on several new meds. And at some point I suddenly had the realization of how powerful these drugs were and that I could not just start and stop them and play with them like toys.

 

Ten years ago I began the process of becoming stable and slowly tapering my drugs in a regular way. I now am mostly pretty stable, I feel happiness sometimes, I feel love, I have friends who love me. There are many losses I will never recover from but I am happy to be alive now and I am looking forward to the future in many ways.

 

All of this is to say that you can recover from where you are BUT

1.  It is going to be a long journey

2.  You must stop immediately with trying to quit and change your drugs, find some dosage of some drugs (I would say probably what you were last taking with the 14-year doctor) and stick on those and take them every single day in the same way at the same time

3.  Even doing that it is going to be a long time before you feel better

4. But eventually you will feel better

5. And then you can begin the process of getting off these drugs and getting your life back.

 

If this is the path you want to follow, we can help you do that. You must be willing to listen to the advice of the very experienced people on here.

 

No doctors know this stuff, the pharmaceutical companies only put all their energy into getting people started on these drugs and suppressing information about their bad effects, not about helping people get off of them or reduce them. 

 

If this is not the path you want to follow, I am not sure how we can help you, except to say that we believe you and we understand what these drugs can do. I especially do understand what they do when you take them erratically like I did and like you did.

 

You do not need to unregister from this site. If you don't want to participate here, just don't participate here. 

 

All of the moderators are volunteers. None of us are getting paid any  money, and we all have bills to pay. So people are limited in how much time and energy they can dedicate here. You won't always get answers immediately or within the time frame you want them. We can't help you stay alive, if you become suicidal you need to go to your local emergency room.

 

I think that covers everything. If you decide you want to take this journey of getting your psych drug use and symptoms under control and eventually reducing the use of them, we can help you with that.

 

The cuts you have made recently to your Xanax and escitalopram and Prozac are extremely dangerous and will only make you worse.

 

Good luck to you.

[Re39]

Hi Rhiannon,

 

Thank you for sharing your experienced. Feel much better now. Some survivor also remind me that right now am on very bad shape because of my habit (on-off of these drugs), and encouraged me to back to this site. And i just take my xanax & estazolam (night intake) again.

 

Yes, i choose this long road to get my life back and stay with my 14yr doctor, and wish i have the strength like you all here.

 

It's very tough and rough. And hard to accept this conditions. But, yes im willing to go with the path all survivors do. I know its not easy. Will try my best for it.

 

*understand you all here are volunteers. Im really sorry if there's something i've said/text are mean. I dont mean that. Tbh, i dont know about myself anymore. But i know I need help. Im sorry am being difficult.

 

@Gridley im sorry i was missunderstanding with your message. I dont know what happened to me. Im really sorry.

[Gridley]

4 minutes ago, Re39 said:

im sorry i was missunderstanding with your message.

That's fine, no problem.

 

Rhiannon makes a lot of sense.  You can get your life back.  Her advice to go back on the dosage you were last taking with the 14 year doctor and take them every day is very good advice.

 

I also agree that you don't have to unregister.  You don't ever have to post if you don't want to but there's a lot of good information here as well as a lot of comfort (as Rhiannon's post demonstrates).

 

Would it be okay with you if I cancelled your request to unregister?

[Re39]

Yes please Gridley.. really appreciate it. Thank you for not "running" from me 🙏

[Gridley]

1 minute ago, Re39 said:

Yes please Gridley.. really appreciate it. Thank you for not "running" from me 🙏

 

No problem.  We're happy to help you.

[Rhiannon]

On 2/22/2020 at 11:05 AM, Re39 said:

Hi Rhiannon,

 

Thank you for sharing your experienced. Feel much better now. Some survivor also remind me that right now am on very bad shape because of my habit (on-off of these drugs), and encouraged me to back to this site. And i just take my xanax & estazolam (night intake) again.

 

Yes, i choose this long road to get my life back and stay with my 14yr doctor, and wish i have the strength like you all here.

 

It's very tough and rough. And hard to accept this conditions. But, yes im willing to go with the path all survivors do. I know its not easy. Will try my best for it.

 

*understand you all here are volunteers. Im really sorry if there's something i've said/text are mean. I dont mean that. Tbh, i dont know about myself anymore. But i know I need help. Im sorry am being difficult.

 

@Gridley im sorry i was missunderstanding with your message. I dont know what happened to me. Im really sorry.

 

I know I don't always feel very strong. But what works for me is to just take the next breath, and the one after that, and the one after that. To walk through this hour, and the one after that, and the one after that. 

 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And there are a lot of steps after that one. But you only have to take them one at a time.