Ella56: Drug withdrawal

[Altostrata]

On 3/25/2020 at 5:36 AM, Ella56 said:

I have had some reaction to something hands and arms red itchy. 

 

Are you using latex gloves? Some people are allergic to latex.

 

3 hours ago, Ella56 said:

Talked to a lady yesterday who ended up in the hospital after 27 years of meds and tapered quickly. Now living with daughter and back on meds. She had a month of hell wd.

I ct and went througb so much trauma and didnt know what was happening for months and have the affects of a messed up nervous system.

I want to know how do you also get through the trauma of the months of ct ..that in itself is trauma  ?  Once your cns heals it wont be a trauma when u think about it? Its 6 months and it seems worse. 

 

Very good question, Ella. Yes, you've been through a shocking experience, having had a bad drug reaction and no help from doctors. Everyone here has experienced this. It is very upsetting.

 

This is why we coach people in techniques such as mindfulness -- let that shock, anger, and hurt go so you can take care of yourself in the present. You can't change what happened, you can examine the bad experience later.

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

 

Coping with irritation, anger and rage

 

2 hours ago, Ella56 said:

I also realize i am having intrusive thoughts and nevervnoticed that before.

 

This is a huge realization! Now you can move forward to manage those thoughts.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[Ella56]

 No,  I havent used gloves. Rash on my arms and wrist. Just thought it might be chemicals coming out.

 

Thank you just need to check in once in awhile to not feel alone. I try to explain to people but they dont get it. Expect a lot more then I can do. This lady i talked to yesterday, I told her about this site but she said she would be on ad for life. She is feeling better, me just struggling still not that i want to be on meds just wish i did it different. Lost my house, friends and my strength and time. 

 

Really been dealing with wd a year because thats when i went up and down with different ones. Thank you for all the info. I have received this before but at first I just panicked and wanted help with the drug now I have enough clarity to read. Gridley gave me it all day one. Appreciate all your help. ❤❤❤❤

[manymoretodays]

Hi Ella56,

  

5 hours ago, Ella56 said:

I want to know how do you also get through the trauma of the months of ct ..that in itself is trauma  ?  Once your cns heals it wont be a trauma when u think about it? Its 6 months and it seems worse. 

 

4 hours ago, Ella56 said:

I ct and went througb so much trauma and didnt know what was happening for months and have the effects of a messed up nervous system..that is what most are saying here and what i am going through.

I want to know how do you also get through the trauma of the months of ct ..that in itself is trauma  ?  The trauma is lost my house, no where to go,  felt abandoned by people i thought would help,  felt alone and was helpless through the wd. 

 

Many of us have gone through something, at least similar, if not the same.  I think you nailed it when you said "it seems worse".  And it sure did for me, off and on, for awhile there.  I think, for me, just knowing it was temporary.......the trauma, or adjusting my whole paradigm around from "what was done to me" to then......"how can I keep healing?" helped a lot.  I don't even know that it was a conscious decision at any point in time. 

Ella56, we get through it all, we do, and come on out of it all, somehow stronger, or even more resilient to stress and all the stuff that does come at us, from time to time in life.

 

I do hope, that you can just be honest with Colonial, as to how you felt, or feel.  They have been very good in trying to support you, perhaps sounding a bit critical while doing so, or argumentative.  Just remember, sometimes others are going through a lot here too.......and be kind.  Be honest.  Enough said.

(signed: temp for Dear Abby or something....)

 

Good job Ella56, on adding in and trying some non-drug coping.  Yes, we get to try and perfect our practices in coping, and de-stressing throughout this whole experience.

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

You might find something in this forum that helps too:  Relationships and social life

And oh yay!  More clarity today.  That's wonderful Ella. ❤️

Edited March 27, 2020 by manymoretodays
last thought, link to R and SL forum

[mstimc]

41 minutes ago, Ella56 said:

Thank you just need to check in once in awhile to not feel alone. 

Hi Ella 

 

When I was in WD, I, too, felt alone and like nobody understood.  My wife was and has been very supportive but she's never been through what we have.  You are not alone and you are not "odd" for feeling what you're feeling.  Sometimes the feelings can come so fast we can't seem to get a grip on reality.  As Manymoretodays said, it is temporary and you will come out the better for it.  And I second Many's advice--Colonial, like all of us, are trying to help each other.

[Ella56]

March 26

Crash day..

Had to call helpline, had 3 people pray over me. Completely exhausted but had this self hatred come over me. I only turned on myself when i had an issue with daughter a year ago that issue not healed yet. It is probably neuro emotions maybe. 

8 to 11 on phone

1pm took1 mg celexa

Rest of the day scared and completely exhausted. Called friend said i cant move dont have the energy. Really felt i couldnt.

Horrible day.

6pm bath

Just laid down and couldnt move. But so afraid of that kind of exhaustion. 

[JanCarol]

Hey Ella - 

 

Quote

No,  I havent used gloves. Rash on my arms and wrist. Just thought it might be chemicals coming out.

 

Something that  happens in withdrawal is we develop sensitivities.  If it is on your hands and wrists, it may be something that you are touching and handling.  It could be clothes (laundry soap).  Dish soap.  Look at your life and pay attention to what you are handling.  Maybe use non-latex gloves to handle things, and then when you are healed - pay attention to what breaks you out.

The first thing that came to my mind is a friend of mine (who is coeliac, I'm not sure that is relevant, other than she is sensitive to begin with) - at the age of 60 developed an allergy to zinc.

She had just gotten a community grant to remodel her house, and they had put all new fittings - cabinet handles, doorknobs, etc.

Her beautiful brand newly remodeled house, and she had to buy non-latex medical gloves and put them over all the doorknobs and handles.  (couldn't afford to replace them).  She had never had this allergy before - it deveoped spontaneously (I don't think she was in psych drug withdrawal, so - for people like us, this sort of development would be more common).

This is just one example.  

I have had many mysterious rashes upon withdrawal - I think rather than "toxins coming out" it is more "body out of balance."  But specific rashes on your hands and wrists speaks to me of something you are handling.

Now, more than ever, these are lonely times.  You are taking the University PhD level course on "how to survive within my own head."  It ain't easy!

i hope you see the sun today!  (good for immune, too)

Edited March 28, 2020 by JanCarol
clarity

[Ella56]

@AltostrataI am having really bad anxiety, strong emotions, burning in my stomach, back and forth anxiety or rage, been trying to control them or cope but not doing well, feel i might need to go to hospital. I have been on 1mg celexa now a month. I dont see windows i dont know what to do. Really scated again and dont know what to do. The stressed has my nervous system a wreck. Do i change to prozac  ? I havent taken ativan someone said benydrl might help. I dont know if i am on the right path  ? 

 

[Altostrata]

Ella, we have discussed all the ways you can deal with this. Substituting a higher dose of Prozac is NOT more advantageous than increasing Celexa. Prozac is the same kind of drug.

 

It's not likely you'll find the solution at a hospital. In the best of times, it's rare staff know anything about psychiatric drug withdrawal syndrome and now, hospitals are dangerous places to be because of the danger of coronavirus infection. Plus, the staff may be very distracted.

 

You are asking me to make decisions for you, or you will go to the hospital to ask a doctor to make your decisions. You need to confront your own indecision. You need to make the decision about what you want to do. Go to the hospital if you think that's best for you.

Edited April 1, 2020 by Altostrata
corrected mispost

[Ella56]

21 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Ella, we have discussed all the ways you can deal with this. Substituting a higher dose of Prozac is more advantageous than increasing Celexa. Prozac is the same kind of drug.

 

It's not likely you'll find the solution at a hospital. In the best of times, it's rare staff know anything about psychiatric drug withdrawal syndrome and now, hospitals are dangerous places to be because of the danger of coronavirus infection. Plus, the staff may be very distracted.

 

You are asking me to make decisions for you, or you will go to the hospital to ask a doctor to make your decisions. You need to confront your own indecision. You need to make the decision about what you want to do. Go to the hospital if you think that's best for you.

I cant remember ever talking about what to do other then the reinstatement.  I am not sure it is working.  

U just mentioned prozac once but not type of program or what it could do to help me with or how to take it.  

I was told that if i went back on celexa it may not work.

I was told not to take ativan if possible. That is all i remember. I dont think going to hospital is best. Just need more advice. 

[Altostrata]

1) You can take more Celexa.

 

2) You can substitute Prozac.

 

3) You can go to the hospital.

 

4) You can take Ativan, but you will need to be prepared to deal with adverse effects and to taper off.

 

5) You can practice self-care and not change any of your drugs.

 

Any of the drug options might make you feel worse.

 

With Option 5 (no change), you probably will see only very, very gradual improvement as long as you don't put obstacles in its way.

 

My own personal belief is that increasing Celexa would be the safest and most effective way for you to decrease your symptoms. However, I can't tell the future. You have made attempts to do this but sabotaged yourself with second-guessing.

 

It's up to you to pick an option. You can sabotage any of them with second-guessing your decision if you won't control that undermining habit of self-doubt.

 

I have said everything I can possibly say about what you might do. We require every member to take responsibility for their symptoms. If you don't take responsibility, we can't help. We don't have any magic solutions.

[Ella56]

I dont know if this reinstatement is working or making it worse or i need to wait longer. I move tomorrow and it has overwhemed me.

[Rozon1]

Hey @Ella56 I know how you feel right now. I’ve felt this way for almost the past 4 months. I can’t believe I’m typing this as a speak. Trying to help someone else. Here’s what I did. I’ve researched Many many many MANY stories. Going to a different drug has typically not yielded good results. That’s why I never did it. Infact, that’s why a lot of people are here. Their doctor put them on other drugs while they’re in withdrawls. Recipe for disaster so it seems.

 

I haven’t reinstated yet. Alto said somewhere that a lot of members find relief on reinstating. That might be true. It’s the best harm reduction method they know. They don’t have the direct answers. None of us do. The only answers we have are the most harm reduction ways possible. They don’t want you to go through more suffering which is why alto doesn’t fancy going to another drug.(I assume) I know it’s confusing and hard. I know it is. But the best thing you can do for yourself is not to make all of these dramatic changes.  I still debate on reinstating due to my physical symptoms. But I’m trying everything I can to sit put, so I get it. I personally don’t see how going to another med is going to “fix” any of your issues. I truly believe it’s just going to complicate an already destabilized nervous system. 
 

abyways, I don’t have much else to say other than you will make it through this suffering. I still am suffering but it’s gotten much better. 

[Ella56]

@Rozon1 thank you for caring to reply. I appreciate it and the advice. I cant seem to find what I need and maybe it is not out there. I am so struggling. I move tomorrow and that has been so painful. I will see how I feel and if I can get calmer after the move. Thanks again. 

[Ella56]

@Altostrata you said Substituting a higher dose of Prozac is more advantageous than increasing Celexa. What doze do you suggest and why is this so?  

 

So when i went up to 1.5 mg celexa for 3 days it made me feel depersonalized, would that not be a bad reaction? Or Should i of just pushed through it? I am going into 6 months now of wd. Does that  make a difference in any of these 2 choices. ?  It is all so hard to figure out.

 

When i was on 1mg i had a small window here and there, but now not for the last 2 weeks after playing with doze. 

[Ella56]

Symptoms i am having now. Ringing in my head, eyesight is blurry, muscle aches, exhaustion brain fog bad, anxiety but the worse is the emotional pain deep in my stomach. Twisting. It just takes all of me constantly to deal with. It hurts so much. Feel out of control with it. Feels so deep. I dont know if there is another word for it. It is constant. I was having a few windows when i first went on 1mg celexa and once i changed doze a few days i havent any now for 2 weeks. I hope i get a little change soon. 

[JanCarol]

Hey Ella - 

 

It might help you to not focus so much on symptoms, as it will be to focus on what is helping.

I'll give you mine:  I took my lemon water this morning to help with digestion.  I did my physio and tai chi.  I will be going out in the sun shortly.  These help.  Start focusing on what you can do to help - even if that is "I did nothing today."  That's okay too.

From your last post - it seems like - you "changed dose a few days, haven't had any now for 2 weeks"  Have you discontinued the reinstatement?

It may not seem like much to you - but this is vitally important for your signature.  Please put in your signature:  the date and mg of any dose changes, and the date you discontinued (if that is what you did).  If you bumped it up to 1.5 mg - the reactions you are having now could be from that time.  Likewise, If you discontinued, you could be having reactions from that, too.  It's called "fiddling your doses" and making these changes has effects a month out - even 3 months sometimes.  That's why we ask for dates on your signature, so we can see how stable your doses have been.

You and I were talking about neuroemotions, and I wanted to post what I wrote here, for your records and for anyone who is reading.

 

First I said:
 

Quote

Here's how curiosity helps with neuroemotions.  They are big and overwhelming, but if you follow them down into your body, you can find a seed of truth (My mother was unkind, or my father was distant, or I felt rejected at school or whatever that seed of truth is)

Drug withdrawal puts those emotions on like an electron microscope and the smallest feelings seem gigantic.  If you can follow them down to the seed, then you can realise that - you were a small child, you will be fine.

 

which Ella didn't find very clear, so I tried again, and said:

 

Quote

Neuroemotions are big and overwhelming.  They are inappropriate to the situation.

But if you examine them, the big overwhelming feeling is a MAGNIFICATION of a true emotion.  Neuroemotions are reactive, but they are not necessarily false.  You can learn from them, just like a scientist learns by using a microscope.

While the emotion is magnified, you can examine it, and find the true feeling inside of it.  The core of the neuroemotion is frequently a true feeling, which is magnified by the drugs and withdrawal from them.  Use the magnifying glass (or microscope) to your advantage - it gives you access to things which ahve been hidden from you the whole time you were drugged.

Is that a better description?

Another way to look at it is - the drugs dampen your emotional response.  Pushing down on the lid of a boiling pot.  When the drugs are removed, there is are explosions are the feelings you've been insulated from start to come out again.

Most of us got drugged for having feelings.  But feelings are human.  They are normal.  It is not normal to diagnose and drug feelings, even when feelings might interfere with our "normal functioning."  (I could say that "functioning" in our sick society is overrated, and that it goes against human nature - but - that's another topic!)

So when the feelings explode - they are real feelings - but they are too big for the truth behind them.  It's an opportunity to explore them, find out where you were hurt, and heal from that.

I hope that helps?
 

 

and Ella - I hope you see the sun today!

[mstimc]

9 hours ago, JanCarol said:

Hey Ella - 

 

It might help you to not focus so much on symptoms, as it will be to focus on what is helping.

 

14 hours ago, Rozon1 said:

The best thing you can do for yourself is not to make all of these dramatic changes.  I still debate on reinstating due to my physical symptoms. But I’m trying everything I can to sit put, so I get it. I personally don’t see how going to another med is going to “fix” any of your issues. I truly believe it’s just going to complicate an already destabilized nervous system. 
 

abyways, I don’t have much else to say other than you will make it through this suffering. I still am suffering but it’s gotten much better. 

 

16 hours ago, Altostrata said:

You can sabotage any of them with second-guessing your decision if you won't control that undermining habit of self-doubt.

 

 

Ella, you have received such great advice from Alto, Rozon and JanCarol, there's not much I can add other than to reaffirm what they expressed.  Try to move your attention from symptoms to a more proactive approach to manage the feelings and emotions around them.  We've all been through those periods--long periods--where we just wanted some relief from the physical and mental symptoms.  The best way to deal with them in the long term is to work on your reaction to the thoughts and how you manage them. I could give you a ton of platitudes about managing negative thinking but in reality it takes hard work, practice and determination.  But if you want to truly recover, you'll do it!

[manymoretodays]

Hi Ella56,

Yes, I don't have anything to add to the above.  Just wanted to stop by to wish you the best, with today.

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[Rozon1]

Hey Ella! Hope you’re doing better today. If not, just know we care!

[Ella56]

@Gridley Hello, i see by your signature that you took ativan while tapering ad. I am thinking of taking it when things get bad.05mg. What are your opinion and was it hard to get off ? Thanks 

[Ella56]

@Gridley Hello, i see by your signature that you took ativan while tapering ad. I am thinking of taking it when things get bad.05mg. What are your opinion and just once in awhile Either that or might have to go to hospital to go back on clexa 10mg. I know nobody wants to give advice on taking any med i just trying to find a path. I am so sick and dont know what to do. that cant be good for my system the state im in. Thanks 

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Ella56 said:

i see by your signature that you took ativan while tapering ad. I am thinking of taking it when things get bad.05mg. What are your opinion and just once in awhile

I started taking Ativan not for withdrawal but, unwisely, for sleep. This was long before I started tapering Lexapro and I wasn't in any kind of withdrawal.  I quickly became addicted and it stopped having any beneficial effect for me.  You can become addicted to benzos (any benzo; they're all extremely addictive) within 2 to 4 weeks of regular use and also from intermittent use.  Once you're addicted, you get nothing good from the drug and you're just taking it to stave off withdrawal, which is where I am now.  I wish I'd never started, since that's now another drug I have to taper off, and I'll be starting my taper of Ativan soon, once I'm off the Lexapro.  

 

Benzos are a slippery slope, once in a while becomes more frequent, and it's really easy to become addicted. I really don't recommend taking a benzo for withdrawal symptoms

[Ella56]

I have had 4 days of rage. Very scary rage.  It is not me. I am scared of it. Also thoughts to hurt someone so i deleted there contact and all details of them. I hope this goes soon. I even though of plans. Could only make it to new place no energy to actually move stuff in. I feel so sick. I was never crazy like this on meds. 

[Rozon1]

Hey @Ella56 it sounds like to me this drug is stimulating you. I’d suggest seeing what a mod thinks. 

[Altostrata]

No, I do not believe Ella is feeling activation from 1mg Celexa. I believe she is feeling withdrawal syndrome.

 

On 3/30/2020 at 6:22 PM, Ella56 said:

you said Substituting a higher dose of Prozac is more advantageous than increasing Celexa. What doze do you suggest and why is this so?  

 

I said substituting Prozac is NOT advantageous over Celexa.

 

On 3/30/2020 at 6:22 PM, Ella56 said:

So when i went up to 1.5 mg celexa for 3 days it made me feel depersonalized, would that not be a bad reaction? Or Should i of just pushed through it?

 

We advised you over and over to give the increase in Celexa more time.

 

On 3/30/2020 at 6:31 PM, Ella56 said:

Symptoms i am having now. Ringing in my head, eyesight is blurry, muscle aches, exhaustion brain fog bad, anxiety but the worse is the emotional pain deep in my stomach. Twisting. It just takes all of me constantly to deal with. It hurts so much. Feel out of control with it. Feels so deep. I dont know if there is another word for it. It is constant. I was having a few windows when i first went on 1mg celexa and once i changed doze a few days i havent any now for 2 weeks. I hope i get a little change soon. 

 

17 hours ago, Ella56 said:

I have had 4 days of rage. Very scary rage.  It is not me. I am scared of it. Also thoughts to hurt someone so i deleted there contact and all details of them. I hope this goes soon. I even though of plans. Could only make it to new place no energy to actually move stuff in. I feel so sick. I was never crazy like this on meds. 

 

Do you think perhaps the pressure of having to move is affecting your emotions? Maybe making any withdrawal syndrome a lot worse?

 

Ella, please make a decision you feel is in your best interest. You cannot keep asking us over and over what you should do. We've advised you as best we can. The rest is up to you.

[Ella56]

Thanks you all. Hard to deal with the emotions. Yes I got activated by what happened. Being lied too and made me move for there gain, at this time too boot. It made me angry but I am watching the spirals. Thanks for all the advice.

 

My only concern is if i should of went back on celexa at my previous doze 10mg and then stabilized and tapered slowly from there.

I am afraid I am doing it the hard way by ct and just 1mg celexa. Thats my fear. And how long to will take and if I made the route harder.

[Gridley]

3 minutes ago, Ella56 said:

i should of went back on celexa at my previous doze 10mg and then stabilized and tapered slowly from there.

I am afraid I am doing it the hard way by ct and just 1mg celexa.

You did just the right thing.  Your system is very sensitized, and 10mg would have overwhelmed your system, destabilizing you further.  It is not helping you to second-guess your decision.  It creates stress.  Now all you need to do is be patient and make no further changes.

[Altostrata]

On 3/30/2020 at 6:22 PM, Ella56 said:

@Altostrata you said Substituting a higher dose of Prozac is more advantageous than increasing Celexa. What doze do you suggest and why is this so?  

 

....

 

I apologize, Ella, I made a mistake. The sentence should read "Substituting a higher dose of Prozac is NOT more advantageous than increasing Celexa."

 

1 hour ago, Ella56 said:

Thanks you all. Hard to deal with the emotions. Yes I got activated by what happened. Being lied too and made me move for there gain, at this time too boot. It made me angry but I am watching the spirals. Thanks for all the advice.

 

My only concern is if i should of went back on celexa at my previous doze 10mg and then stabilized and tapered slowly from there.

I am afraid I am doing it the hard way by ct and just 1mg celexa. Thats my fear. And how long to will take and if I made the route harder.

 

As we're only an Internet forum, we cannot help with your situational problems. Please do what you can to remain calm, you are in a vulnerable state, having withdrawal syndrome.

 

We cannot predict the effect of an increase in Celexa or any drug, such as Prozac. We are concerned you might find it activating, as Gridley explained. If you would like to try more SSRI, very gradually increasing the Celexa dosage is the safest way to do it.

 

If you increase Celexa to even 1.5mg, you might feel an effect. It is a psychotropic drug, after all, and your nervous system is sensitive. If you give it enough time, so your nervous system gets used to it, the effect may be a good one. However, it will not resolve your situational difficulties, it will only soften withdrawal symptoms.

 

If you want to take a psychiatric drug to solve a psychiatric problem, please see a doctor.

 

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. Please do not report your frustration and anger about the move as a withdrawal symptom.

[Ella56]

I didnt think or mean to report my home situation as a wd symptom. It made and brought my wd symptoms on and much more intense.  Thank you. 

[Altostrata]

Whenever you post about how badly you're suffering, we are all concerned. Unfortunately, there's only so much we can do.

 

It still seems you are tormenting yourself about drug decisions while you are in the midst of dealing with a real-life crisis. You might put the drug decision on the back burner for a while so you can focus on your immediate problem. It could be that once you get settled in your new home, you will be in a better position to make drug decisions.

[Ella56]

I am really struggling with anxiety tonight. It started with thinking about what i did ct. Thinking why i could of done that. Why i didnt know better. What i put myself through. What i have ahead of me and the fear of it and it just got worse. Tried to do the panic firdt aid tape and breathing. Fell asleep a bit bad dreams. Fighting to get somewhere but got stuck on a muddy road.and noway out. There was one person there and maybe could of asked for help. But i was not suppose to take that road.  Anxiety is still there and its been hours I guess that was an emotional spiral. It is nsking the head ringing worse. I took 0 .05 mg ativan 2 days ago and hadnt taken that for 2 months. Didnt really work I dont have anymore and dont want to take that.. I dont know what else to do.

[mstimc]

Ella, there isn't a person on this earth who doesn't wish they could go back and change something in their lives.  Beating yourself up over past decisions won't help.  You made the decision that was right for you at the time.  Accept this is your anxiety talking and not the logical you.  Most important, try to hang onto the assurance that what's ahead of you is very much up to you.  The worse thing about anxiety is that the source of your healing--your thoughts and your thinking patterns--are the things that are also creating your anxiety.  For now, the thoughts and anxious feelings will come because you are in withdrawal. But thoughts are transitory--they have no substance and no more power than they're given.  Don't concentrate on trying to stop the anxious thoughts--that just gives them more power.  For the moment, try refocusing your thoughts--look around your space and find five things--really focus on them and try to mentally describe them in as much detail as possible--what color are they, what are they made of, how were they created, etc.  Try to divert your thoughts instead of fighting them.  This will pass.

[Ella56]

@mstimc  thanks for the reply.  I am looking at 5 things naming them and trying to not the anxiety thoughts have power.

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, Ella56 said:

@mstimc  thanks for the reply.  I am looking at 5 things naming them and trying to not the anxiety thoughts have power.

Cool! Thinking of you--good luck!

 

[Ella56]

Grieving i cant be present in life because i am feeling sick. Grieving so much already. Lost this last year. But tonight my daughter told me she is pregnant. I was numb. I felt bad i didnt feel more.  hope I am well to be there to help her. I feel i dont have control over the healing.

[mstimc]

Try focusing on the joy of the new life that's coming into the world.  Now you have a goal and a reason to recover, and something to hope for--to be there for your daughter and grand child.