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I grieve


icequeen

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I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

I grieve too, with deep pain in my heart.

 

1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante
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@icequeen This is so powerful and healing and cathartic to be able to read your words and repeat them. To hold space for the vastness of this grief. To be able to feel the authenticity of this. 

This is the second I have read over your words and spoken them to myself. Like a mantra. And a remembrance for all those that have suffered these losses.

These are each human lives.

1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante
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icequeen

I agree with Dante. I lost life’s breath in every possible sense. Struggling to breathe for years on end is just one of my post drug long list of problems. 

 

I’m glad my simple words gave you something.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Mentor
Brooke

I think depression is able to thrive in our society because we have a hierarchy of grief. The loss of children and partners is up top, the loss of a child’s beloved stuffed bear at the bottom. 
 

But if that stuffed bear is all the child has to feel safe and it is taken away and she is reprimanded for her feelings, what seed does that plant? Could the loss of something as small as cotton filled cloth grow into something like depression later on? 
 

I think so. We lose so many things in our lives, and not just to death. Houses. Careers. Friends. Sports. Projects. Best friends. Without the space to grieve those losses they add up to helplessness, emptiness. 
 

So not only do I grieve the losses we’ve all experienced because of psychiatric drugs, but I grieve all the losses that so many years ago, unfurled the path before us.

Effexor XR 37.5mg and Wellbutrin XL 150mg from age 15-30 (2001-2016). Hell withdrawal. Drug free (and happy) since 2016.

 

I am the founder Happiness Is A Skill, a weekly newsletter dedicated to helping people heal from depression by learning the skill of happiness. Join hundreds of others and subscribe here: http://learnhappy.brookesiem.com/

 

I wrote this for the The Washington Post: I spent half my life on antidepressants. Today, I'm off the medication and I feel all right.

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  • 5 months later...
On 2/24/2020 at 12:39 AM, icequeen said:

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

Im ten years in withdrawal from zoloft, i hope it doesnt drag out, thanks for sharing your story

Was put on SSRIS at age 18, came off at 20 due to side effects, have been in withdrawal ever since, am 27 now. 7 years of protracted withdrawal. have not been able to work. I didnt taper, i basically came off cold turkey in less than a month....no one informed me of anything, including protracted withdrawal . my symptoms include absolutely everything you can imagine, you name it, i have it 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Ryguy said:

Im ten years in withdrawal from zoloft, i hope it doesnt drag out, thanks for sharing your story


Thanks for reading it! I sincerely hope it doesn’t drag out this long for you. I got a bit better a few years ago and now I seem to be back to scratch again but somehow I have a feeling it will start to get better in a few months from now. With a bit of luck.....

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1 hour ago, icequeen said:


Thanks for reading it! I sincerely hope it doesn’t drag out this long for you. I got a bit better a few years ago and now I seem to be back to scratch again but somehow I have a feeling it will start to get better in a few months from now. With a bit of luck.....

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

Was put on SSRIS at age 18, came off at 20 due to side effects, have been in withdrawal ever since, am 27 now. 7 years of protracted withdrawal. have not been able to work. I didnt taper, i basically came off cold turkey in less than a month....no one informed me of anything, including protracted withdrawal . my symptoms include absolutely everything you can imagine, you name it, i have it 

 

 

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  • Moderator
ChessieCat
7 hours ago, Ryguy said:

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal

 

But the fact there there was a window is an excellent sign.

NEW!!!              INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder               NEW!!! 

 

ADs:  25 years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after)

Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015  Current from 14 Nov 2020:  Pristiq 0.50 mg

My tapering program                                      My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)

My website - includes my brief history + links to videos & information on the web

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

REMINDER TO SELF:  I don't need the drug now, but my still brain does.

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3 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

 

But the fact there there was a window is an excellent sign.

True i didnt mean to neglect that

Was put on SSRIS at age 18, came off at 20 due to side effects, have been in withdrawal ever since, am 27 now. 7 years of protracted withdrawal. have not been able to work. I didnt taper, i basically came off cold turkey in less than a month....no one informed me of anything, including protracted withdrawal . my symptoms include absolutely everything you can imagine, you name it, i have it 

 

 

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On 11/19/2020 at 3:01 PM, Ryguy said:

Wow so you had a window for a brief time then back to withdrawal? Man thats brutal


Not a window but slightly less intense symptoms. I have had three almost symptom free windows lastning about ten minutes but they happened many years ago before all the complicatios such as pneumonias,  ileus requiring two surgeries, elektrolyte disturbacies etc. Well, still keeping up hope though despite all the setbacks and I hope you do too.

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  • Moderator
ChessieCat
2 hours ago, icequeen said:

before all the complicatios such as pneumonias,  ileus requiring two surgeries, elektrolyte disturbacies etc

 

I'm sorry that you have been having all these issues.

 

However, this is an excellent example of how everyone's situation is different and that we can't compare ourselves with others.  If icequeen hadn't told us about the above then it would have been assumed that she wasn't recovering from psychiatric drugs.

NEW!!!              INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder               NEW!!! 

 

ADs:  25 years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after)

Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015  Current from 14 Nov 2020:  Pristiq 0.50 mg

My tapering program                                      My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)

My website - includes my brief history + links to videos & information on the web

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

REMINDER TO SELF:  I don't need the drug now, but my still brain does.

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@ChessieCat thanks for reaffirming what i keep forgetting is that withdrawal is entirely different for each individual, though there might be overlapping similarities, as a whole we are all experiencing very different things, i appreciate you saying that because then i feel less alone, i feel in a sense “alone together”

Was put on SSRIS at age 18, came off at 20 due to side effects, have been in withdrawal ever since, am 27 now. 7 years of protracted withdrawal. have not been able to work. I didnt taper, i basically came off cold turkey in less than a month....no one informed me of anything, including protracted withdrawal . my symptoms include absolutely everything you can imagine, you name it, i have it 

 

 

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  • Moderator
ChessieCat

I've been a mod for nearly 5 years now so I've seen a lot of members looking for someone the same.

 

One of the new members posted this the other day and it sums it up nicely:

 

On 11/18/2020 at 5:34 PM, jamest said:

 

You have to figure most people on here posting are looking for a clone they want to magically run into someone who is like them and will ease their mind  i am no different. obviously that cant happen but we can dream 

 

 

NEW!!!              INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder               NEW!!! 

 

ADs:  25 years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after)

Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015  Current from 14 Nov 2020:  Pristiq 0.50 mg

My tapering program                                      My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)

My website - includes my brief history + links to videos & information on the web

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

REMINDER TO SELF:  I don't need the drug now, but my still brain does.

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On 2/24/2020 at 12:39 AM, icequeen said:

I grieve for all the lost 16 years that I have spent in unimaginable hell because of two dangerous drugs - paroxetine and sertraline.

 

i grieve for all others going through the same hell for years on end. 

 

I grieve for the life I had imagined - working til retirement and enjoying old age and that will now not happen. Next to no improvement in 16 years doesn’t give much hope.

 

I grieve for all who lost their lives to suicide because they saw no other way out.

 

 

Withdrawal is a tough place to be.  But these thought patterns aren't a healthy place to be in the long-term. 

 

Improvement can and does happen.  If you allow the negative thought patterns to reinforce over time, they become stronger and more natural.  Healing moves further off - in a physical sense. 

 

After watching this, your brain will not be the same | Lara Boyd | TEDxVancouver

 

I'd suggest taking immediate action to move into a more positive mindspace and keep your thoughts in the here and now.  Light daily exercise and 10 minutes of daily meditation have helped me a lot.  So has soft music in the background, tracking sleep phases with a wearable, and timing tasks for no more than 25 minutes at a time using the "Pomodoro Technique" to stay focused.  Don't underestimate the power of habit.

Celiac, Seizure Disorder, Cluster Headaches

 

Previously - Escitalopram ("Lexapro") (dangerous substance, do not start taking this): 03 - 05/2018 - 10mg // 05/2018 - 12/2019 - monthly recursive dose reduction to 0.

 

Always consult a qualified medical professional before taking any substance.

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