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Feeling your feelings after withdrawal


MrAnxious
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I just wanted to tell you about the breakthrough that occurred in me yesterday. I had gone off Effexor Xr 150mg in the matter of about two months. Let's just say 4 months later every horrible symptom of withdrawl was still there. I couldn't sleep the past 7 days( Sleeping pills), I had terrible anxiety and started to think, did I come off this drug way too quickly, maybe I will just battle it out. So I made a bunch of posts in my introduction and had much feedback over the 4 months , which really helped btw.

 

Then Alto the administrator suggested taking 10 grains to ease the nervous system, at first I thought how is this going to make a difference 10 grains. Well the first day I took 10 grains and WOW did it ever calm me down, everything changed.

 

First I went with my Dad and we were taking a trip to see his mother my grandma, she is ill with dementia. So naturally these trips bring up alot of emotion because we love and care for her so much. My father is really close with her. Well sitting down with her we started talking about how I had alot of pressure on myself as a kid, how all I tried to do was make them see the positive side of life(then I'd run to my room crying cause they never agreed I was frustrated back in the day). So for awhile there I battled as I was changing as a teenager into a adult 18-24. I really wanted to be my own self and see positive in everything, which was extremely hard to do with his/mom attitude.

 

Long story short, he saw the pain that he inflicted over all those years and why I was struggling now with a big part of my life and depression/anxiety and not knowing how to deal with my emotions- QUE THE BREAKDOWN

 

We are returning home from a 2 hour drive and he completely breaks down, start to Cry. My Dad always tries to not cry infront of me, never seen this really before but I know he is soft inside. He totally loses it, says I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE, THE PRESSURE I PUT ON YOU, THE ARGUMENTS ETC. I got all teary eyed but kept my composure, this now was all coming together for me.

 

That night after I got dropped off at my apartment, I went for a walk and realized it had all been one big circle and I was always just looking for that admittance from him as I always denied I was making up all this stuff about their negativity etc. So I went for a walk, sky was blue. The sky started to turn orange and then became Pink all over, it was quite amazing. I started txting friends , apologizing to them for my actions while drugged on effexor for so long cause that wasn't me. But those 10 GRAINS was enough to bring me to a even level again and be able to accept everything and why it had happened and where I was going. This point the sky is engulfed around me as I walk around the lap track.

 

 

I just completely break down, start crying ( FINALLY) it had been years, never on effexor did I cry , just shrugged my grandparents deaths off(So close to me). So the tears started flooding. Walked back to my apartment.

 

Went on Facebook and then Dad calls, Says he enjoyed our day and it really changed his outlook on things and how inside I was really feeling. So I read him a statement I posted on facebook about How thankful I am to have endured 29 years on this earth, thankful for the experiences good and bad, the people, family and hope the next 60yrs are fulfilling etc, I COMPLETELY LOST IT , couldn't even mutter all the woods, he is like it's okay....tears flowing but it felt like a huge weight off my chest.

 

2nd day on 10 grains( I FELL ASLEEP IN A DEEP SLEEP ) For the first time without any sleep medication, just a piece of melatonin .5mg, apparently 9mg was too much the first night, why does the bottle state that 1-3 pills before bed and they are 3mg each. Thankfully I read up on this sight under the right topic.

 

So was this a breakthrough? Somebody let me know and where do I take it from here?10 grains for how long? and once I eventually reduce will my body regain itself ?or go back to insomnia state and anxiety riddled? I will be doing everything I can diet,exercise,sleep,nutrients to prevent this but what is a good timeline?

 

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING AFTER SO MANY MONTHS OF WITHDRAWL AND THINK YOU TAPERED, WENT OFF IT TOO QUICK, LISTEN TO ADVICE.

 

 

I honestly feel I can function now and have my life back, it's only day 2 but has a lot of promise. Amazing what 10 beads can do. Would love feedback on my story with my dad(repressed feelings etc.)

 

 

P.S Doctors would have been so close to putting me back on Medication stating Relapse , don't be fooled

 

It's a long road but is definitely worth every bit of it, we are only human and we learn from all these experiences, take it all in and one day at a time.

2007-2012started Effexor xr 225mg -150mg- Varied2months of Taper,(March 22/2012 Off Med/in W/D)Currently No medicationMarch 22/2012- August 16/2012 - Totally Off Effexor( Rough Rough time) Reinstatement for a week(didn't work)****** New Doctor******* Very nice/helpful and in touch.Tried Zoloft- No successAUGUST 17/2012- STARTED 37.5 EFFEXOR FOR ONE WEEK - NOT GOOD < STOPPED.Started Buspar Oct 11th 2012----10 mg for the first 7 days and then 15mg a day---- Taking a new route----Racing thoughts - Gone.Oct 9th ( Done Zoloft,wellbutrin week project trial to feel better) - OFFICIALLY OFF ANTI DEPRESSANT !Oct 26 - Raised Buspar to 20mg a day- Tolerating wellJan 2nd 2013-

Reduce Buspar until full off march 20th 2015 Off all medication !

Tried natural supplements to no avail

Gluten/sugar free since december 2013

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  • Administrator

What a beautiful post, MrA.

 

Psychiatric drugs anesthetize our emotions. It's a very good sign your feelings came back -- treasure that! Some people stay numb for a long time off antidepressants.

 

Perhaps your dad has been sensing you feel very vulnerable lately, and that's why he opened up. It's a very big breakthrough for your relationship with him and your relationship with yourself. You don't have to blame yourself anymore, you can move forward with your life.

 

And, you're getting good emotional nurturance from people who mean a lot to you.

 

Very happy to hear you're doing so well.

 

(I changed the title of this topic so others might join in about their experiences, too.)

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • 7 years later...

I am trying to figure something out. Since going off the AD, I have had more access to my feelings, which is good, and of course, not always wonderful when they are uncomfortable feelings 

 

For the past several months, I've noticed that I am often in touch with a deep sadness that to me, feels like grief. I can often relate it to a loss,  but not always. Sometimes it's just kind of "there"....

 

 

I am in therapy, and while the therapist never directly asks me why I cry so much (nearly every visit) she seems to be getting frustrated with this. Frankly, it annoys me that she's never once said anything even remotely comforting when I've cried... but the sadness and tears feel like something "good", by that I mean, it feels like the way I did when my dad died (and I was first given antidepressants!)

and to me, grief is not a bad thing, but a good thing, a normal reaction to loss.

 

so in spite of the therapist not being comforting and even being annoyed, I continue to let myself cry when it feels right.

 


however, I am starting to wonder, and maybe worry a bit, that this is not "normal"

Lord knows I've had a lot of losses over the years and when I was medicated I wasn't able to grieve.

 

I wonder, is this a belated wave of withdrawal symptoms (I am now over 2 yrs completely off the AD) 

 

 

Or is this real grief that maybe  that comes with aging? (I am now of course older and losing friends, as well as all the little losses that come with aging, like loss of one's youthful appearance, loss of certain opportunities etc) I know for sure it is not "depression". 

 

The reason I need to figure out what is going on is that I'm considering seeing a grief counsellor, I think that would be more helpful than the person I'm seeing now

 

The only thing that makes me wonder if this is part ADWD "wave" type symptoms is that I have had a few short bursts of intense anger, that were typical of my early days of WD

 

 

What do you think?

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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My only suggestion is to see what is triggering these emotions?

If you can pinpoint anything specific that will give you something to work with whether you decide to seek help or work through it on your own terms. 

 

Best wishes to you on your continuing journey. 

Lexapro 10MG

Almost continually for 25 odd years 

Reduced to 5MG beginning July 2018-  end August 2018

August 2018 til now off completely 

 

 

 

 

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11 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

The reason I need to figure out what is going on is that I'm considering seeing a grief counsellor, I think that would be more helpful than the person I'm seeing now

 

I think you need someone new, regardless of what kind of counsellor, since you aren't feeling any support with the current one. try one that specializes in grief, since that is what you are experiencing. I think you are entitled to grieve, for all the years lost to being on and getting of the pills! 

 

and it sure could be a wave, even two years out and further.  I think waves subside very gradually, although many here have a lot more experience than I do so I'll be interested in what others have to say. 

 

I'm 4 months from being off two years  and I'm REALLY hoping this isn't the end of improvement! 

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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thanks so much Jackie

 

I guess I'm hesitant to call anything a wave since posting my success story- for fear that people going thru the worst of WD recovery will misinterpret it and feel discouraged and also because I mostly feel 100% healed

but maybe I'm wrong.

 

and maybe it doesn't make sense to think that I even *could* be 100% after so many decades on so many drugs, right?

 

oh I think you're right, I need a new therapist, regardless.

 

or maybe no therapist, they are all part of a larger system that is entrenched in the medical model and even more distressing to me, using psych labels that I find harmful beyond just being stigmatizing, you know?

 

oh wow, just 4 mos til you're at 2 yrs, that's great! yes you've got a bit more to go, but I think toward the later months of recovery, the positive gains come in leaps and bounds, at least they did for me

and I believe for several others (I want to say many, but not sure that would be accurate)

 

you're getting there, and you've done such great work all along the way, coping with big changes and losses as well.

you've always kept your positive attitude :) and even when you felt really discouraged, you didn't give up.

 

there's a lot to be said for just putting one foot in front of the other day after day, regardless of how hard it is

You've done it GF!!

 

and you reach out to others and offer support along the way, and I for one, appreciate that ;)

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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12 hours ago, Nevertoolate said:

My only suggestion is to see what is triggering these emotions?

If you can pinpoint anything specific that will give you something to work with whether you decide to seek help or work through it on your own terms. 

 

Best wishes to you on your continuing journey. 

thanks @Nevertoolate

 

yeh I sometimes know what the trigger is, sometimes not.

I really do think it's grief.

 

thank you so much for your input and wishes, same to you on your journey as well :)

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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Hi, would it help you to think that it might the case that long time hidden layers of emotions show up in a manner that is reinforced by withdrawal? 

 

I myself experience strong (Neuro)emotions these days but it's definitely not all neurological and withdrawal related since I recognize a lot of my old self in it (the good and the bad). 

 

One thing I sometimes do is to adress the emotion. Sth. like "what makes me sad? ", "what do I grief?" If there's no answer at all for a while it's probably the system recalibrating and I try to deal with it by just enduring and waiting, distracting or expressing it (by playing the piano e.g.). I hope you find a way, too.

 

You will be fine @Happy2Heal. Keep up the good work.

Medical history:
11/2015 - Duloxetin 30mg, 12/2015 - Duloxetin 60mg, 4/2016 - CT
8/2016 - Duloxetin 60mg, 2/2017 - Duloxetin 30mg, 4/2017 - CT
7/2017 - Duloxetin 60mg, 9/2017 - Duloxetin 30mg, 11/2017 - CT
3.5.2018 - Milnacipran 25mg, 10.5.2018 - Milnacipran 50mg, 20.5.2018 - Milnacipran 25mg, 24.5.2018 - CT and protracted WD

 

Supplements: none

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H2h, there has to be a lot of grief under what each of us is going through...for so many reasons. I think it’s perfectly understandable that this is “grief” regardless of whether or not WD is involved. It’s still grief. I think you deserve a new therapist/counselor, too. One who can empathize and support you regardless of what the cause may be. 
 

btw, you are an inspiration. 

1988-1996  Various AD’s, all classifications.  

1996-2019  Effexor XR 37.5mg to 150mg. Jan 2017 onward, 37.5 mg.

2019  Apr 11: Latuda 20mg added to Effexor.  Apr 22: L to 40mg.  May 14: L to 20mg.  May 27: L to 10 mg for 3 days then ct (dr’s orders). Continue Effexor 37.5.  Jun 10: Rexulti .5 mg added. Incr to 1mg.  Jun 15: Rex to .5mg.  Jul 1-24: taper Rex to .25mg over couple of weeks then off.  Jul 24: CT Effexor (per dr’s orders)  Sep 9-19: Viibryd (low dose, not sure mg), CT (dr’s orders).  Sep 23-27: Trintellix (low dose). CT (dr’s orders).  Sep 28:  Prozac 10mg.  Oct 24:  Began rapid taper off Prozac (every other day for wk) began Pristiq 25mg for 10 days, then 50mg after that.  Dec 31-Jan 31, 2020:  Pristiq 25mg. 

2020  Feb 1: CT Pristiq due to serious side effects incl high BP w pre-existing heart condition.   Feb 1: Effexor XR (10 large beads from 37.5 capsule).  Feb 3: 14 L beads.  Feb 15: 14 L beads+2 med beads.  Feb 17: 15L + 5M beads (25mgbw or 7.56mgai).

Current: Mar 1, 2020: Effexor XR (15 large beads + 7 medium beads, 30mgbw or 9.072mgai)

 

Other current meds: Ambien 10mg nightly (2012), clonazepam .125mg nightly (May, 2019), omeprazole 20mg (alt w famotidine 20mg, since Oct 2019), Synthroid 125 mcg (1985), Premarin .625mg (2002), Miralax capful/day (2014), fluticasone nasal once/day (mid-2018), cetirizine 10mg nightly (late-2018) .  Supplements: D3 25mcg, probiotic

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thank you so much @FindRest

 

I was looking thru my original thread, the introduction thread and it suddenly hit me: I lost over 4 decades of my life to these drugs

 

except for the past 2 years since I've been off, but still recovering, that is my entire adult life. and my first 18yrs were  nothing but one trauma after another (actually the traumas lasted into my mid 20s but the drugging began when I was 18)

 

 

omg, no wonder I am grieving. 

 

all those years...

gone. 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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You’ve hit the nail on the head, h2h. I’m so sorry for you and all of us. So much grieving to do. But, I do believe there is a lot of strength in grieving. Hugs.

1988-1996  Various AD’s, all classifications.  

1996-2019  Effexor XR 37.5mg to 150mg. Jan 2017 onward, 37.5 mg.

2019  Apr 11: Latuda 20mg added to Effexor.  Apr 22: L to 40mg.  May 14: L to 20mg.  May 27: L to 10 mg for 3 days then ct (dr’s orders). Continue Effexor 37.5.  Jun 10: Rexulti .5 mg added. Incr to 1mg.  Jun 15: Rex to .5mg.  Jul 1-24: taper Rex to .25mg over couple of weeks then off.  Jul 24: CT Effexor (per dr’s orders)  Sep 9-19: Viibryd (low dose, not sure mg), CT (dr’s orders).  Sep 23-27: Trintellix (low dose). CT (dr’s orders).  Sep 28:  Prozac 10mg.  Oct 24:  Began rapid taper off Prozac (every other day for wk) began Pristiq 25mg for 10 days, then 50mg after that.  Dec 31-Jan 31, 2020:  Pristiq 25mg. 

2020  Feb 1: CT Pristiq due to serious side effects incl high BP w pre-existing heart condition.   Feb 1: Effexor XR (10 large beads from 37.5 capsule).  Feb 3: 14 L beads.  Feb 15: 14 L beads+2 med beads.  Feb 17: 15L + 5M beads (25mgbw or 7.56mgai).

Current: Mar 1, 2020: Effexor XR (15 large beads + 7 medium beads, 30mgbw or 9.072mgai)

 

Other current meds: Ambien 10mg nightly (2012), clonazepam .125mg nightly (May, 2019), omeprazole 20mg (alt w famotidine 20mg, since Oct 2019), Synthroid 125 mcg (1985), Premarin .625mg (2002), Miralax capful/day (2014), fluticasone nasal once/day (mid-2018), cetirizine 10mg nightly (late-2018) .  Supplements: D3 25mcg, probiotic

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7 minutes ago, FindRest said:

You’ve hit the nail on the head, h2h. I’m so sorry for you and all of us. So much grieving to do. But, I do believe there is a lot of strength in grieving. Hugs.

 

thank you @FindRest I was just reading your thread, you've been in nearly the same boat, I see. Oh I'm so sorry too, it's just awful what's been done to us.

 

I was diagnosed as schizophrenic when I was around 20, but that was AFTER they gave me an anti- psychotic in the clinic when I was just 18, and my actual diagnosis at that time was "adjustment reaction to adolescence" (what I really had/have was/is PTSD)

Later they decided the schizophrenic diagnosis was a bit off, because I was "too emotional" and apparently schizophrenics have a "flat affect".

so they decided I was bipolar!

and they put me on mood stabilizers (lithium at first, then others) and the older ADs (elavil mostly) 

but it was the SSRI's that I was given after my dad died 27 yrs ago, that did the most damage, in my opinion. I lost the ability to feel after that.

 

 

and now it seems as if I have a backlog of grief for the all the losses along the way- for my dad, still, even to this day, and also to a lesser degree my mother (our relationship was never good, she was incredibly abusive in every way possible) and several beloved cats...

as well as other assorted losses. 

 

 I think it's odd that I've continued to see the therapist I have now, in spite of the fact that she's never once said anything even remotely comforting when I cry. And now she's getting frustrated and voicing that frustration, although she never says it's because I'm crying. She says she doesn't know what advice to give me, because I haven't been clear about what the "problem" is.


I tell her that I'm incredibly sad and that I don't always know why. 

I think maybe I do know why a lot of the time, but as I write this, I am thinking that the reason I don't share what I am sad about is actually because she's never said one empathetic or sympathetic thing to me while I was crying. Why would I trust her with that information? I have no reason to believe that she'd understand my grief, since she can't seem to even acknowledge it.


The old me, or rather, the younger me LOL would have been embarrassed to be crying and would have shut down (which was incredibly easy to do when I was drugged, I could rarely cry at all eventually, nor feel any other emotion)

 

but  it's funny I keep seeing her and sitting there and getting choked up about something that I'm thinking, and I don't hold back the tears. I don't sob or anything like that but I let the tears flow.

 

I think when I see her again I will try to get up the courage to tell her that I think it's pretty odd that she's never once said anything comforting when I cried... and maybe ask her why that is.


I could be wrong but I think she's attributed my "progress" to her wonderful therapy skills. I have not made any "progress" at all. When I first met her I was in acute WD and I was a basket case of severe anxiety, barely able to breathe or sit still.

I saw her a few times but had to quit because as it turned out she was not associated with a prescriber and I needed one to get the meds to do my taper, so I went somewhere else for that.
But after I got off the lexapro, I decided to go back and see her, since she was at least somewhat against drugs in general. Or so she said.

 

I liked having someone to check in with on a regular basis, but she's never fit the bill as far as what I really want from a therapist. I'd really rather have like a life coach, but those are expensive and I am dirt poor with lousy insurance LOL so my options are limited and I decided I'd stick with her and see if I could make it work.

 

but now I think it may be time to move on. I don't know if grief counselling would be help or not. But it's something to look into, I guess.

 

Thanks to everyone who has posted here thus far, you've really helped me to sort this out.

 

and @FindRest  I hope your journey is as short and uneventful as possible.

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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It is incredibly sad what’s been done to us, @Happy2Heal. Your story is very similar to my own. I’ll admit that I about croaked when I read your comment about elavil! That was the first one I was ever on. Talk about nasty!!

 

I think your plan to confront your therapist about her lack of outward empathy is a good one. Her response should give you a good idea of whether or not you want to continue with her as your therapist. Changing to a new therapist is a very difficult decision. We’ve put so much time, trust, pain, effort, and hope into that relationship (oh, and $$$’s).  I hope she opens up to you and will understand how important empathy is. 

1988-1996  Various AD’s, all classifications.  

1996-2019  Effexor XR 37.5mg to 150mg. Jan 2017 onward, 37.5 mg.

2019  Apr 11: Latuda 20mg added to Effexor.  Apr 22: L to 40mg.  May 14: L to 20mg.  May 27: L to 10 mg for 3 days then ct (dr’s orders). Continue Effexor 37.5.  Jun 10: Rexulti .5 mg added. Incr to 1mg.  Jun 15: Rex to .5mg.  Jul 1-24: taper Rex to .25mg over couple of weeks then off.  Jul 24: CT Effexor (per dr’s orders)  Sep 9-19: Viibryd (low dose, not sure mg), CT (dr’s orders).  Sep 23-27: Trintellix (low dose). CT (dr’s orders).  Sep 28:  Prozac 10mg.  Oct 24:  Began rapid taper off Prozac (every other day for wk) began Pristiq 25mg for 10 days, then 50mg after that.  Dec 31-Jan 31, 2020:  Pristiq 25mg. 

2020  Feb 1: CT Pristiq due to serious side effects incl high BP w pre-existing heart condition.   Feb 1: Effexor XR (10 large beads from 37.5 capsule).  Feb 3: 14 L beads.  Feb 15: 14 L beads+2 med beads.  Feb 17: 15L + 5M beads (25mgbw or 7.56mgai).

Current: Mar 1, 2020: Effexor XR (15 large beads + 7 medium beads, 30mgbw or 9.072mgai)

 

Other current meds: Ambien 10mg nightly (2012), clonazepam .125mg nightly (May, 2019), omeprazole 20mg (alt w famotidine 20mg, since Oct 2019), Synthroid 125 mcg (1985), Premarin .625mg (2002), Miralax capful/day (2014), fluticasone nasal once/day (mid-2018), cetirizine 10mg nightly (late-2018) .  Supplements: D3 25mcg, probiotic

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On 1/25/2020 at 2:55 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I am trying to figure something out. Since going off the AD, I have had more access to my feelings, which is good, and of course, not always wonderful when they are uncomfortable feelings 

 

For the past several months, I've noticed that I am often in touch with a deep sadness that to me, feels like grief. I can often relate it to a loss,  but not always. Sometimes it's just kind of "there"....

 

 

I am in therapy, and while the therapist never directly asks me why I cry so much (nearly every visit) she seems to be getting frustrated with this. Frankly, it annoys me that she's never once said anything even remotely comforting when I've cried... but the sadness and tears feel like something "good", by that I mean, it feels like the way I did when my dad died (and I was first given antidepressants!)

and to me, grief is not a bad thing, but a good thing, a normal reaction to loss.

 

so in spite of the therapist not being comforting and even being annoyed, I continue to let myself cry when it feels right.

 


however, I am starting to wonder, and maybe worry a bit, that this is not "normal"

Lord knows I've had a lot of losses over the years and when I was medicated I wasn't able to grieve.

 

I wonder, is this a belated wave of withdrawal symptoms (I am now over 2 yrs completely off the AD) 

 

 

Or is this real grief that maybe  that comes with aging? (I am now of course older and losing friends, as well as all the little losses that come with aging, like loss of one's youthful appearance, loss of certain opportunities etc) I know for sure it is not "depression". 

 

The reason I need to figure out what is going on is that I'm considering seeing a grief counsellor, I think that would be more helpful than the person I'm seeing now

 

The only thing that makes me wonder if this is part ADWD "wave" type symptoms is that I have had a few short bursts of intense anger, that were typical of my early days of WD

 

 

What do you think?

Dear HTH, 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is not surprising that you are grieving for a lifetime of insults from family and the medical community. I don't know if you have the ability to consider new therapists but it might be a good idea to look into someone who specializes in trauma -  grieving can be a part of recovery from trauma and in the last decade or so this field has really taken off with many ways of approaching trauma - EMDR, Internal family systems, somatic based, attachment focused etc. therapies and others that I don't know that well. But the most progress in trauma therapy is achieved through the reparative relationship with the therapist - it's supposed to re-write over the traumatic relationships and teach new ways of relating and safety in relating. 

 

Pete Walker has a great book on complex PTSD that talks about grieving the trauma. A lot of what is in the book is also on his website if you don't want to buy it but want to see what it's about first. http://www.pete-walker.com/

 

It seems from your description that you are feeling unheard/rejected by your therapist which may be re-traumatizing. You should be taken care of by those who are supposed to take care of you. I see your posts which are caring and positive on this site and I am grateful for them. Maybe you can find someone who can provide that for you in a therapeutic environment? 

 

In my experience, trauma therapists are less drug-pushing and more respectful of the client. But again, it depends on the specific  counsellor as well. I don't know that coaches would be helpful as they don't have training but again, may depend on the person. 

 

Hope you find the help that you need. And may all the kindness you provide here come back to you manifold. 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

If you would like to get a response from me directly please type @Onmyway some place in your message so I get notified of your post. I am not able to follow all of the threads all the time.

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week, 

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

 

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19 hours ago, Onmyway said:

But the most progress in trauma therapy is achieved through the reparative relationship with the therapist - it's supposed to re-write over the traumatic relationships and teach new ways of relating and safety in relating. 

thanks so much for your kind words @Onmyway and for your thoughtful the suggestions..

yes I had thought that the relationship with the therapist was supposed to be at least part of what makes therapy "work" and I just don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from her at all, but at first, that didn't matter to me too much, because she wasn't pushing drugs or forcing me to talk about past traumas, things that most other therapists did

 

but I guess just because she's not as bad as most other therapists I've had doesn't exactly make her a good one, or rather, the right one for me

 

I have very limited options with my insurance so I really can't be too picky. I may only have  literally 2 or 3 other therapists to choose from....

 

well I guess I'll see how it goes this week. 

 

it would be a huge thing for me to just be able to say that I'm not 100% satisfied with the way things are going, or to simply ask her why she sits there, silently, when I cry- which was ok, but this last time, instead of being silent, she got impatient.

 

I've told her several times that grieving is important work to me. 

*shrug*

 

that's what makes me think a grief counsellor might be a better fit at this point, at least they'd be used to ppl who cry, right??

😕

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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Hi HTH, 

this all makes sense. I think asking her may be a good idea because it can perhaps also provide you a sense of control in the relationship -  reassurance that you are an active agent in this therapy. Traumatized people, like us, have had little control over things in our life and WD really intensifies it - I have never felt less in control of anything esp. myself and my feelings as in WD. You don't need more of that. You may also want to ask her how she wants to proceed - what she wants to do to help you now that you are hit with all this grief. Therapists often ask clients what the client wants but rarely do they tell you how they are going to help - what modality of therapy they want to apply, why that modality and not another etc. 

 

It will be interesting to see what she says and that can determine what you do from there. Hope that she responds in a compassionate way and that relationship grows closer. As in other relationships, the therapist-client one can get better with 'conflict' and discussion. It could have been that she had an off day, that she seemed impatient but she didn't realize it and it wasn't her intention. Or it could be that she just is not a good fit for you. 

 

Great that you are challenging her and making up your own mind about what is right for you. 

 

 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

If you would like to get a response from me directly please type @Onmyway some place in your message so I get notified of your post. I am not able to follow all of the threads all the time.

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week, 

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

 

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On 1/27/2020 at 6:17 PM, Happy2Heal said:

I guess just because she's not as bad as most other therapists I've had doesn't exactly make her a good one, or rather, the right one for me

 

it sure sounds like you want someone else and I don't blame you. 

 

I hope you find someone that is respectful of your grief rather than impatient.  it's pretty intimate work,  I don't think a feeling of warmth or compassion is too much to ask! 

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Happy2Heal,

 

So grateful to see your posting. We've messaged about this in other places but I wanted to be sure to reply here too. I 100% resonate with the experience of grief. For me, the drugs did a stellar job of shutting down that process and I didn't fully appreciate until recently that grief can take a long long looooong time. That what feels 'long' to me is, in the eyes of the universe, totally insignificant.  I'm on year 3 of no drugs and while I've healed a LOT, the tears are still coming in buckets.  The difference is now, when I cry, it feels so good.  Do you feel a release with the tears?

 

I definitely had to up my emotional literacy in order to make sense of the grief.  When I was first coming back to myself I would cry and cry and feel confused and disoriented by it. I had to do the separate work of learning my emotions before I could start connecting the two. Somewhere along the way I realized that the best thing for me, when I started that grief release, was to actually connect the tears to a feeling word, or a memory, so that I could be actively grieving and processing what my tears were about.  Maybe it sounds funny but sometimes that literally meant having an emotion wheel in front of me to see what might match to my present experience. I just printed one off the internet somewhere, if you want I can see if I can find a copy of the one I use. I also had to slow my life wayyyyy down so that I could catch the feelings/thoughts in the moment.  I found that when I let them slip by (they are slippery suckers especially after 15 years drugged) they would just find their way to erupt in a confusing mess later and make me feel like an emotional wreck.

 

I hope some part of my experience is helpful for you.

 

I second the recommendation for Pete Walker's work, both his CPTSD book and the Tao of Fully Feeling. I got them online and audiobook version from my public library, in case that's an option too.

 

I also echo what others have said about your therapist. After experiencing trauma as a child I found myself with a complete behavioral change, crying all the time, angry, withdrawn. At the time, I had already repressed the trauma so I remember saying to adults around me, 'I don't know, I don't know why I'm crying. Everything is 'fine'.' I think children need emotionally literate adults to make sense of their experiences, and when they don't have that, they go further down that rabbit hole of repression and creating false stories for their lives. I would hope that a therapist could help you make sense of your tears, and not make you feel alone or an irritation as you were in childhood (if that's the case). 

 

On the other hand, I totally get the idea of needing a 'witness' for tears. I also had a therapist early on who I only spoke to on the phone (because of my unstable living situation) and it wasn't a great way to connect emotionally. But I couldn't cry unless there was someone there, so I felt like she played a role in my life at the time to at least be a conduit for the tears, if that makes sense.

 

Then for a while too I realized I would never get that compassionate voice that I yearned for from a therapist.  For me it just doesn't feel like an authentic enough situation.  I had better luck in peer groups.  The more I connected to myself and the larger Energy out there, I was increasing able cry at anything and now I don't need more than a flower, or a bug, or a fork to get me going...😛

 

And 1000000% agree...speaking up in therapy for more transparency was a HUGE step for me in my healing.  Just that in itself is a tremendous action to take. Not sure if you're into that stuff, but realizing that my throat chakra was blocked, that a deep part of my pain came from the many ways in which I allowed my voice to be silenced, was an opportunity for a big opening in reviving that part of myself, which then opened other doors...

1994 age 14 on and off psych drugs, including zoloft, for severe 'depression' (which I now know is trauma and home-environment related)

2000-2007  Lithium at a 'therapeutic dose'. After several hospitalizations where they experimented with drugs and diagnoses but nothing bettered the rage/dissociation/'depression' so when I was sufficiently subdued on Lithium the doctors decided that was evidence I was bipolar

2007-2015 200 mg Lamitrogine/Lamictal and 10-20 mg Citalopram/Celexa.  Provider switched me to Lamitrogine as a better alternative to Lithium's known health risks. Looking back I experienced serious withdrawal depression during the switch but I imagined I was just relapsing. Citalopram/Celexa was added because I continued to be depressed and suicidal on the Lamitrogine/Lamictal but since I couldn't access my feelings, I just functioned in my life despite the background despair. 

April 2015 began taper of 10-20 mg Citalopram/Celexa at 50% reduction every two weeks or so. Could not find ANY doctor, provider or therapist who was willing to assist me but I was determined to figure out why I was feeling so 'off' and 'stuck' and 'miserable'. At that point I had made dramatic lifestyle changes, but the nagging suicidality seemed out of place and I was starting to realize my emotional life was impaired.

June 2015 Ended taper of Citalopram/Celexa (completely off celexa) and began taper of 200 mg Lamitrogine at 50% reduction every two weeks or so. I realize now I basically cold turkeyed.

September 2015 reached 12.5 mg of Lamitrogine. I realized I was in full blown withdrawal "depression" and NOT a relapse of 'mental illness' (the symptoms were so sudden and dramatic it was obviously not any kind of 'mental illness' as I had been indoctrinated to believe) so reinstated to 25mg and started a google frenzy for any information I could find

September -October 2015 held at 25 mg, severely symptomatic but unsure how to proceed to get better

October 2015- December 2016 tried my best at a 10% taper by using a liquid taper. Upended my life completely to face the symptoms (job loss, housing, sense of identity).

December 2016 ended taper of Lamitrogine (completely stopped), withdrawal symptoms acute

January 2017 drug free, withdrawal roller coaster continues

Septemberish 2018- Now Acute withdrawal symptoms ended. Now experiencing protracted withdrawal symptoms complicated by original trauma healing suppressed by the drugs (hormonal disruption, suicidality, body pain)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Tonight i am feeling sick feelings in my stomach. Shaky, hopeless, i just dont know how to do these feelings anymore. I cant believe i have went through this from a drug.. It feels worse the vulnerability. I feel afraid to be alone  cant sleep then i try to cry to get it out. Feel so messed up. This is 5 months without Celexa. I already went through so much trauma. These feelings feel more unreal. 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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Tonight i am feeling sick feelings in my stomach. Shaky, hopeless, i just dont know how to do these feelings anymore. I cant believe i have went through this from a drug.. It feels worse the vulnerability. I feel afraid to be alone  cant sleep then i try to cry to get it out. Feel so messed up. This is 5 months without Celexa. I already went through so much trauma. These feelings feel more unreal. I am really scared how to get through this.

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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Hang tight. It will pass. At my worst I had agonizing insomnia and could not stand it anymore. I constantly obsessed over my age and the past. Broke down to tears enough to wear down a bunch of strong paper towels designed to hold water and acted out in public in ways I could not imagine.

 

It has since evolved to mostly annoying skin burning and depersonalization which is manageable. More to go, but better than before.

 

If you hang on, just ride it out you’ll slowly evolve out of it. This is not you, this is your brain struggling to rewire itself on a frying pan. Like a car struggling to start but eventually gets running. Keep that in mind. You will return to who you are once the process is finished.

 

Prozac (2007-2008), Zoloft (2009-2017) Paxil (2017-2018), Celexa (2018), Luvox (2018-Current) Average 50-200. Nothing as of January 2019

Lorazepam 2007-Current 2MG 3 times a day

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2 minutes ago, jeremy1069 said:

Hang tight. It will pass. At my worst I had agonizing insomnia and could not stand it anymore. I constantly obsessed over my age and the past. Broke down to tears enough to wear down a bunch of strong paper towels designed to hold water and acted out in public in ways I could not imagine.

 

It has since evolved to mostly annoying skin burning and depersonalization which is manageable. More to go, but better than before.

 

If you hang on, just ride it out you’ll slowly evolve out of it. This is not you, this is your brain struggling to rewire itself on a frying pan. Keep that in mind. You will return to who you are once the process is finished. 

 

 

How long ? It seems worse..wouldnt it be easier to go back on meds? Are you on any?

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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I’m on no SSRI’s at all. Still on Lorazepam (Ativan) I began tapering off SSRIs in July 2018 and stopped completely in January 2019.

 

I was slightly better Mid-Late Summer 2019. Had a really bad bout of insomnia in late May 2019 but was feeling a bit better in July. You’re 5 months in, give it a few more. There will be some ease over time, you might feel optimistic as if the symptoms are going away and then they come crashing back for a few days. Don’t take that as a fail. It just happens.

 

Try not to take the pills again. No matter how bad you might feel the urge to. It’s not worth the 5 months you have struggled. 5 months is a good chunk of the overall process. When I feel urges to go for the Zoloft again, I stop and remember how long I have been off it and how far I have come and what I have gone through to get even to this point. 

 

For sleep, try melatonin if it’s available where you are over the counter. CBD Oil might be of minor assistance if it’s available to you.

 

Once the weather warms up, if you’re able take walks, go get fresh air and sunlight. Go to the nicest public place you know. Could be a park, a beach, etc. Take in the surroundings. 

Prozac (2007-2008), Zoloft (2009-2017) Paxil (2017-2018), Celexa (2018), Luvox (2018-Current) Average 50-200. Nothing as of January 2019

Lorazepam 2007-Current 2MG 3 times a day

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Hi Ella, 

reinstatement at this stage can be tricky it seems from the experiences of people around. It could also lead to what is known as kindling - more severe reaction to both reinstatement and a harder time coming off if you decide to come off. 

 

I looked at your signature and something must be wrong - paxil and zoloft were not available at the dates that you have them listed - they were not approved then. You must have been on other meds. The reason this may be important is that it may impact your risk of kindling.

 

I'd also urge to try to get through the days - one step at a time. Things do get better albeit  slowly. Hang in there! 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

If you would like to get a response from me directly please type @Onmyway some place in your message so I get notified of your post. I am not able to follow all of the threads all the time.

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week, 

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

 

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46 minutes ago, jeremy1069 said:

I’m on no SSRI’s at all. Still on Lorazepam (Ativan) I began tapering off SSRIs in July 2018 and stopped completely in January 2019.

 

I was slightly better Mid-Late Summer 2019. Had a really bad bout of insomnia in late May 2019 but was feeling a bit better in July. You’re 5 months in, give it a few more. There will be some ease over time, you might feel optimistic as if the symptoms are going away and then they come crashing back for a few days. Don’t take that as a fail. It just happens.

 

Try not to take the pills again. No matter how bad you might feel the urge to. It’s not worth the 5 months you have struggled. 5 months is a good chunk of the overall process. When I feel urges to go for the Zoloft again, I stop and remember how long I have been off it and how far I have come and what I have gone through to get even to this point. 

 

For sleep, try melatonin if it’s available where you are over the counter. CBD Oil might be of minor assistance if it’s available to you.

 

Once the weather warms up, if you’re able take walks, go get fresh air and sunlight. Go to the nicest public place you know. Could be a park, a beach, etc. Take in the surroundings. 

 

24 minutes ago, Onmyway said:

Hi Ella, 

reinstatement at this stage can be tricky it seems from the experiences of people around. It could also lead to what is known as kindling - more severe reaction to both reinstatement and a harder time coming off if you decide to come off. 

 

I looked at your signature and something must be wrong - paxil and zoloft were not available at the dates that you have them listed - they were not approved then. You must have been on other meds. The reason this may be important is that it may impact your risk of kindling.

 

I'd also urge to try to get through the days - one step at a time. Things do get better albeit  slowly. Hang in there! 

Hello  I may be wrong on dates but i took them before. How will they impact me? What is kindling? 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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47 minutes ago, jeremy1069 said:

I’m on no SSRI’s at all. Still on Lorazepam (Ativan) I began tapering off SSRIs in July 2018 and stopped completely in January 2019.

 

I was slightly better Mid-Late Summer 2019. Had a really bad bout of insomnia in late May 2019 but was feeling a bit better in July. You’re 5 months in, give it a few more. There will be some ease over time, you might feel optimistic as if the symptoms are going away and then they come crashing back for a few days. Don’t take that as a fail. It just happens.

 

Try not to take the pills again. No matter how bad you might feel the urge to. It’s not worth the 5 months you have struggled. 5 months is a good chunk of the overall process. When I feel urges to go for the Zoloft again, I stop and remember how long I have been off it and how far I have come and what I have gone through to get even to this point. 

 

For sleep, try melatonin if it’s available where you are over the counter. CBD Oil might be of minor assistance if it’s available to you.

 

Once the weather warms up, if you’re able take walks, go get fresh air and sunlight. Go to the nicest public place you know. Could be a park, a beach, etc. Take in the surroundings. 

Hello, i went off my meds in 1 months after 12 years or so. Why not go back on it would take the symptoms away and then i could taper off properly and maybe less wd? Just trying to figure it out

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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1 hour ago, jeremy1069 said:

Hang tight. It will pass. At my worst I had agonizing insomnia and could not stand it anymore. I constantly obsessed over my age and the past. Broke down to tears enough to wear down a bunch of strong paper towels designed to hold water and acted out in public in ways I could not imagine.

 

It has since evolved to mostly annoying skin burning and depersonalization which is manageable. More to go, but better than before.

 

If you hang on, just ride it out you’ll slowly evolve out of it. This is not you, this is your brain struggling to rewire itself on a frying pan. Like a car struggling to start but eventually gets running. Keep that in mind. You will return to who you are once the process is finished.

 

How much lorazepam do u take? Is that harder to get off then ssris? 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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Hi again. I did what you are describing. I began quitting Luvox in July of 2018 and stopped quit cold turkey. It did not end well I can tell you that.

 

I ended up back on a lower dose just to get out of that hospital and began to taper over that fall.

 

It made virtually no difference. Same withdrawal symptoms. 

 

It might be different for different people, but if it’s been over a month, I’d recommend you keep trying. Starting up again could just set you back and make the process take longer.

Prozac (2007-2008), Zoloft (2009-2017) Paxil (2017-2018), Celexa (2018), Luvox (2018-Current) Average 50-200. Nothing as of January 2019

Lorazepam 2007-Current 2MG 3 times a day

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Ok thank you Jeremy. What you are saying is even if i taper properly i will or could have same symptoms? I took 1mg of celexa tonight. Just once so far. 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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Symptoms were the same after 1 cold turkey attempt and a proper taper. Makes little difference after a certain amount of time as the medication has already basically rewired your brain. The symptoms are your brain struggling to rewire itself back to where you were before the medication and it takes a long time.

 

As far as Lorazepam, I’ve been on 6MG a day for years. My crooked doctor (Who temporarily lost his license to prescribe controlled substances) is now attempting to cut me off.

 

I quit Lorazepam successfully in 2010 or 2011. I went back to it in March of 2011 after a severe anxiety attack. Quitting Ativan is dangerous. I was taking it without a prescription in 2007 when my OCD began taking over my life. Was given mail order bottles from a co-worker of my mom’s. Was on it for awhile as a kid so I didn’t think much of it. When I ran out, I left the Public Library one day that July to head home. I didn’t make it. I collapsed on the sidewalk and woke up in the ER bleeding. Was told I had a seizure. Happened again that October. Be very careful with quitting those 

Prozac (2007-2008), Zoloft (2009-2017) Paxil (2017-2018), Celexa (2018), Luvox (2018-Current) Average 50-200. Nothing as of January 2019

Lorazepam 2007-Current 2MG 3 times a day

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2 hours ago, Onmyway said:

Hi Ella, 

reinstatement at this stage can be tricky it seems from the experiences of people around. It could also lead to what is known as kindling - more severe reaction to both reinstatement and a harder time coming off if you decide to come off. 

 

I looked at your signature and something must be wrong - paxil and zoloft were not available at the dates that you have them listed - they were not approved then. You must have been on other meds. The reason this may be important is that it may impact your risk of kindling.

 

I'd also urge to try to get through the days - one step at a time. Things do get better albeit  slowly. Hang in there! 

I told 1 mg of celexa tonight and thinking again maybe i will not take it again. Going back and forth what to do. Will One dose cause kindling? 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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@Ella56 Sorry to hear you are still going through this after 5 months of w/d.  It's been 6 weeks since I w/d from citalopram and my symptoms are similar but I went from 40 to 0 in just 3 weeks.

Started Celexa as a sophmore in high school around 2014/2015 

I think I took Vyvance 2016/2017

Increased Celexa to 40 mg by 2018

Began to taper Celexa on 12/29/19, cut 1/4 of the 40 mg per week

Last dose of Celexa on 1/19/20

Reinstated 1 mg liquid Celexa in March 2020

Currently still taking 1 mg liquid Celexa

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March 2 evening

8pm omega mag vit e

 

11pm bed slept til 6am. Slept ok only awoke once.

 

8am ringing in my head

 

9am breakfast dizzy 

 

11am met friend told him a bit of what dealing with

 

1pm lunch , highenergy but anxiety not to bad.Took 1 mg celexa

 

4pm feel sometimes frustrated feeling like..screaming it outward or sometimes to punch myself stomach when it feels so bad..its my stomach is where i feel the sick feeling the most..like self harm feeling.

 

6pm dinner had a emotional moment a past event i am still trying to heal. Omega and vit e

 

8pm really too busy of a day. I am trying to take it easy but it wasnt. Trying to put lots of self care in each day. Bath now. 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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2 hours ago, SufferingCelexa said:

@Ella56 Sorry to hear you are still going through this after 5 months of w/d.  It's been 6 weeks since I w/d from citalopram and my symptoms are similar but I went from 40 to 0 in just 3 weeks.

Sorry. I hope you gets lots of advice to deal with this. Moderators here are very knowlegeable. So sorry, i know how it is, not easy.

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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@Happy2Heal how was your year from 2016 to 2017? Was the tapering time not to bad? Looking for hope

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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These neuro emotions feel like you are being tortured. That is what i think someone would feel if they where going through that. I know i am being depressing but thats what it is to me. I tried to explain to a friend but she couldnt understand. 

Age 21 started on antidepressants, Paxil, Zoloft cant remember dozes.

Most I remember is being on Celexa 10 - 40 mg since 1996 to 2019 up and down.

Changed to Pristiq March 2019 to May 2019 lowest doze but quit scared ot it.

Went back to Celexa 20mg may 2019 to sept 2019.Tried Cipralex, 3 days,

Went off celexa 20 mg Sept 16/19 taper 1 month.

Took Ativan .5 to 1 mg on and off for years and some Clonazepam for anxiety.

Ativan in dec 2019 about 10 and in jan 2019. .05mg.

Brain zaps  Agitation, terror and dread, suicidal feelings, stomach in fear. afraid to be alone. Depression 

Now: feeling disconnected from self and inability to connect with others, anxiety, depression,.emotionally weak and helplesd, ringing in my ears.

Feb 25, 2020 reinstated 1mg celexa.

 

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