SurvivingOnAnime: dealing with CT from Lexapro

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@puthappinessfirst  Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! 😄

 

@Teppo125  8.5 months accomplished! That's great!  The mornings will continue to improve, but it's such a relief that the evenings are better.  I think I feel most at ease from 7pm until I fall asleep.  Every day we get through, we're closer to healing and happiness! 😃

[Teppo125]

@SurvivingOnAnime

Maybe I’m in 10 month wave now. Last few weeks have been harder than before. Lets ride it out!

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@Teppo125  Major waves are hard to take, but significant improvements always seem to follow.  So good things are coming!

[Teppo125]

@SurvivingOnAnime

Big wave=big improvement

small wave=little improvement?

 

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@Teppo125  Maybe?  I just feel certain that any time there are increased symptoms that healing is happening.  😃

[Cigale]

On 5/7/2020 at 9:02 PM, SurvivingOnAnime said:

I was trying to see if I could hold off updating for a while, but I'm having a tough day today and need to write it out.  In my last post, I was still in what would be a two-week wave.  It let up for three days, and I could tell my baseline had risen again.  I got pulled back under for four days and then surfaced for another WD normal day.  Yesterday I had a mostly physical wave.  I had a lot of pain, but my mood was okay, and today, I don't have any pain but my emotional issues are kinda bad.

 

I am having trouble with anger, frustration, and I'm crying about everything.  When my WD normal baseline raised, I felt a little more at ease, but I still have not recovered my positive emotions.  I haven't had any mini windows in what seems like forever.  I still am, on the whole, accepting of the situation, but the bad days really make me weary.  I know this will all continue to get better and will ultimately end, but I feel soul-tired.

 

Though my emotions are still exaggerated and sensitive, I can't categorize these as completely irrational neuro-emotions.  These nasty ones are all me, and it has become clear to me in the past few days that I need to work on myself a little more.  Since this whole excruciating brain-rewiring process is leading to a kind of rebirth anyway, I've been thinking seriously about what kind of person I want to be on the other side of this.  When I feel bad, I am too quick to feed the part of me that gets angry, critical, and feels victimized.  I am trying instead to question all those thoughts.  When I do, I see that they are hollow and serve no one, least of all me.  Unfortunately, these realizations also make me feel really disappointed in myself.

 

I am going to try to wait a while before posting again.  There won't be much to report until I get my good feelings and motivation back.  Ah, anhedonia, so many of us want to know when you will leave and how you will depart.  When I fantasize about writing a success story in the future, this is the one symptom that I want to be able to write in detail about.  So many of us want reassurance about this, but we are usually met with vague and responsible answers.  I know all our timelines for healing are different, but give me some dang details already.  Did happiness visit and then leave for weeks, months; did it grow slowly in strength over four/thirteen/twenty-two months until you realized it was back; did you go from a wave of apathy but then one day find that a light inside had suddenly turned on?

 

I hope the above doesn't sound ungrateful or bratty.  I'm working on myself, but I haven't fixed any of it yet.

 

This post from last month is so well written and honest and actually hopeful! I am dealing with Lexapro from a different angle - did a CT in 2019, had 50 great days without, and then crashed hard and couldn't keep it together like you have done. I wasn't aware of SA either and ended up back on this awful drug at 5mg. It has been about 3 months and I am still trying to stabilize before starting a slow taper, having many of the symptoms you have had. My road ahead is long but you have given me hope by sharing your story. Thank you!

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@Cigale  I was almost 4 months in to this withdrawal/recovery process before I actually realized what was going on.  I was so clueless that I didn't realize that my brain was recovering from abruptly stopping the lexapro.  I think if I had understood that, I probably would have reinstated and tapered.  I wish I could claim that I handled things well from the start, but honestly, I felt pretty crazy at the beginning.  I think at one point I was afraid of space aliens for some reason?  😅  But I felt healing sped up for three main reasons: a diet high in protein, low in sugar, and no caffeine, alcohol or drugs of any kind; walking outside whenever I could, as often as I could; and the most important reason, which everyone talks about because it is so right, is acceptance.  I think acceptance is the hardest.  I kept feeling like I just had to find the right thing to fight, and then I would get better.  But I had to surrender to the process for things to get better.  You just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time and trust you will heal even though, for a while, your brain might tell you otherwise.  Be kind and patient with yourself.  With time, healing is inevitable.

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@cigale  I should have read your thread before responding.  You know all of these things already!  You're doing all the right things, and you will definitely get there. 😃

[Cigale]

7 minutes ago, SurvivingOnAnime said:

But I felt healing sped up for three main reasons: a diet high in protein, low in sugar, and no caffeine, alcohol or drugs of any kind; walking outside whenever I could, as often as I could; and the most important reason, which everyone talks about because it is so right, is acceptance.  I think acceptance is the hardest.

 

Thank you for this really simple but wise advice. I am working on my diet, which is mostly good, though I am struggling to give up that half shot of espresso in the morning 😬. Do you take any supplements at all? I do make myself get outside often, which is easy enough for me since I have two energetic hounds.

 

And yes, acceptance. This is critical. You capture the concept so well with trust and surrender as driving forces. Thank you!

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@Cigale I have a multivitamin and D3 in the morning.  I was already taking these before I went of the AD.  Otherwise, I haven't added any supplements. 😀

[Teppo125]

@SurvivingOnAnime

Hi! How are you doing?🙂

[SurvivingOnAnime]

Hi @Teppo125 ! Thanks for checking in.  I'm doing pretty well right now.  I still have anhedonia, but it has lightened up by another degree or so.  I still haven't had a window in a long time, but I'm not upset about it.  I alternate frequently (daily, hourly) between my current baseline and waves that are lighter and shorter than ever.  I still have symptoms like headaches, body pain, fatigue, but the emotional ones are less intense.  I don't feel normal, but I feel like I can manage my day-to-day life.  I'm entering into my 9th month of recovery, and I'm confident that I'll be feeling pretty good by the time I reach the 1 year mark.

 

I read on your topic that things have been improving for you too!  I hope that you are having glorious windows and your healing speeds up even more! 😃

[Teppo125]

@SurvivingOnAnime

How are you doing?

I was doing fine, but now I have been a terrible wave a week, with no windows even in the evening like I supposed to be. But my sleep has been better and better. Solid at least 6h per night, maybe one wake up at night. I have nights with no interruption and I wake up when my clock alarms. This must to be good sign. Maybe my days has been harder, because I sleep so well. Who knows..

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@Teppo125  I'm sorry you're having bad waves and your evening windows aren't happening lately.  And yes, having good sleep is always a good sign. 

 

I hadn't been having any windows for the longest time, but I had one for a few hours a couple of days ago.  It followed a really bad wave in the morning.  I spent most of that day crying and hopeless, but by the evening, I was able to really laugh and even felt moved by music, which hasn't happened in a long time.

 

This whole journey is confusing, and we do our best to try to figure things out based on everybody's combined experiences, but it's hard to know for sure what's happening.  I still feel that the waves are necessary and lead to improvements.  I feel like where I'm at now, the healing is just a very slow upward climb with many, many little waves.  I have bad moments now, but they are infrequent.  The waves I typically have make me feel bored, impatient, and a little doubtful.  I still get body pains and muscle aches, but they don't last as long and I get a couple weeks where, physically, I feel almost good.

 

It may take a little bit more time to reach full healing, but it does get easier.  We're going to make it! 😄

[SurvivingOnAnime]

It's been 2 months since my last update.  I finished up a project that was taking all of my energy and brain power, so I'm writing now before I start the next one.  I've been hesitant to write an update, but I'm not sure why.

 

I'm still taking things one day at a time, and I don't feel normal, but things are getting slowly better.  Looking over the past 60 days in my journal, I found that only 21 of those days I had labeled as bad.  18 days I labeled a blah (not bad, not good, but manageable).  21 days I labeled as good, which I think is good progress.  I only cried 4 times in July and twice in August.  If I tear up these days, it's because I'm moved by some good news or act of kindness.

 

In month 9, my internal vibrations came back after being absent for months, but they are mild.  They annoy me sometimes, but they don't really interfere with my life or my sleep. Ah, sleep: 43 out of the 60 days, I had great seep; 18 nights I labeled as okay; and only 9 I would call bad nights. On a bad night, I still get about 5 hours.  Basically, I no longer worry about sleep.

 

My shoulder pain has been gone for awhile, and though I get other mysterious pains, they come and go.  My worst days typically happen during my period, which I believe is a common thing.  I had a migraine at the start of the last one.  It only lasted one day thankfully. I am often fatigued, but I do feel like that is getting incrementally better.  My worst symptom continues to be apathy and low motivation, but I would put those at 50% now.  My personality has been back for awhile (though today I seem to be a bit flat).  The apathy gets stronger on some days, but overall it is slowly getting better.

 

To sum up: I am very slowly getting better.  I have no doubts that I will heal.  It is just taking a long time.  At the same time, even though I don't feel that happy, I'm not suffering, and I feel that I've been very fortunate in my progress.  Considering that I quit cold turkey, I think that I got lucky.  I'm in my 11th month post Lexapro. 

[NoMoreLexapro]

3 hours ago, SurvivingOnAnime said:

It's been 2 months since my last update.  I finished up a project that was taking all of my energy and brain power, so I'm writing now before I start the next one.  I've been hesitant to write an update, but I'm not sure why.

 

I'm still taking things one day at a time, and I don't feel normal, but things are getting slowly better.  Looking over the past 60 days in my journal, I found that only 21 of those days I had labeled as bad.  18 days I labeled a blah (not bad, not good, but manageable).  21 days I labeled as good, which I think is good progress.  I only cried 4 times in July and twice in August.  If I tear up these days, it's because I'm moved by some good news or act of kindness.

 

In month 9, my internal vibrations came back after being absent for months, but they are mild.  They annoy me sometimes, but they don't really interfere with my life or my sleep. Ah, sleep: 43 out of the 60 days, I had great seep; 18 nights I labeled as okay; and only 9 I would call bad nights. On a bad night, I still get about 5 hours.  Basically, I no longer worry about sleep.

 

My shoulder pain has been gone for awhile, and though I get other mysterious pains, they come and go.  My worst days typically happen during my period, which I believe is a common thing.  I had a migraine at the start of the last one.  It only lasted one day thankfully. I am often fatigued, but I do feel like that is getting incrementally better.  My worst symptom continues to be apathy and low motivation, but I would put those at 50% now.  My personality has been back for awhile (though today I seem to be a bit flat).  The apathy gets stronger on some days, but overall it is slowly getting better.

 

To sum up: I am very slowly getting better.  I have no doubts that I will heal.  It is just taking a long time.  At the same time, even though I don't feel that happy, I'm not suffering, and I feel that I've been very fortunate in my progress.  Considering that I quit cold turkey, I think that I got lucky.  I'm in my 11th month post Lexapro. 

Your recovery is so inspiring to me!!!  Im 6.5 mths into wd after taking lexapro for 66 days. Have had over 65 side effects.  I need hope and your store gives me that.  

[SurvivingOnAnime]

@NoMoreLexapro I'm glad my story's helpful.  You will get better, and you'll find that even though you're still healing, it gets easier.  😀

[Phoenixmama]

@SurvivingOnAnime hi 👋🏻 how are you now ??? 🙂

[Fromthenetherlands]

@SurvivingOnAnime,

 

hi, how is your concentration? How did that evolve?

[Sofa]

@SurvivingOnAnime

How are you doing? Did your daydreaming and personality ever get back?