Hanna72: I will be free

[Hanna72]

Thank you as always sunnyside, for the encouragement and kind words, means a lot 💖

Yes 3 months, I need to remember that, and not forget about the windows I have had. Yes you are right, I will keep on with the cbt therapy, and learn teaching tools, and not let opinions of others tear me down. 
Thank you and enjoy your day💖

I am going on a walk🙂

[Longroadhome]

3 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Hi everyone 

Really struggling over here. I am so emotional and angry. I can’t seem to calm myself down. I am exhausted by all these emotions. 
I went to my first CBT  meeting yesterday. I told the physiologist I had stopped taking Paxil, and I would not ever go back on it. She looked at me baffled, and I felt like I would not have her support. Really made me doubt going back, I need to have people around me that support and help me during this process. I felt so alone. No one understands this process, I have stopped communicating about it with my family. It’s such a lonely road that I am on. I only have this community, and I am so grateful for all of you🙏
I will never give up, I cling to all the success stories and they give me hope. 
Take care you all💖

Oh Hanna 

how we all identify with you 

and because we all have these very symptoms on and off it confirms it’s the natural process of WD however unnatural it feels.  
you are right it is a lot to endure and so unbearable at times. 
no one will ever understand unless they have been there. 
I have found it is almost impossible to find a therapist who has any understanding of WD. 
so I  have decided on an appointment with 

Baylissa Frederick. 
our journey will end at some point with complete recovery and that’s a given. 
 until then we must find the strength to accept whatever WD throws at us. If symptoms are bad it’s because repair work is being carried out as our body works towards homeostasis. 
Not all your days will feel like today Hanna. 
one day soon in the future you will be busy once more with everyday life happy and relaxed . Visualise this and know healing from WD is a natural process. 
take care 

LRH 

[Hanna72]

Thank you @Longroadhome I really appreciate your support and kind words as always💖

9 minutes ago, Longroadhome said:

I have found it is almost impossible to find a therapist who has any understanding of WD. 
so I  have decided on an appointment with 

Baylissa Frederick. 

Yes that seems to be the case with the medical field unfortunately. 
That is great news that you are reaching out to her🙂 Nothing will stop us. 
In my country we have the most subscribers for pills, SSRIs, worldwide, so sad. And couple of days ago there was  news on children at the age of 4 being subscribed sleeping pills here. 
Why is this allowed, I don’t understand. 
We can only focus on our healing, and one day at a time. 
How are you doing? Hope you have experienced windows, cause that truly feels amazing 🙏

[Longroadhome]

6 minutes ago, Hanna72 said:

Thank you @Longroadhome I really appreciate your support and kind words as always💖

Yes that seems to be the case with the medical field unfortunately. 
That is great news that you are reaching out to her🙂 Nothing will stop us. 
In my country we have the most subscribers for pills, SSRIs, worldwide, so sad. And couple of days ago there was  news on children at the age of 4 being subscribed sleeping pills here. 
Why is this allowed, I don’t understand. 
We can only focus on our healing, and one day at a time. 
How are you doing? Hope you have experienced windows, cause that truly feels amazing 🙏

It’s crazy that children are medicated so young with pills that will affect them for years to come . So little is known about long term problems such as ours. Imagine how frightening for a child to be taken off their medication no one to help them with symptoms of WD. 

sleeping pills for children age 4! They don’t stand a chance do they. Cheap pills cheap diagnosis cheap therapy. It makes me so cross! 

I have a childrens day nursery and over the years I have dealt with children who have various behaviour problems who have been  medicated once they have left my nursery and started school. It’s pitiful. In England children do not get a diagnosis until school age usually. 
 

no I don’t think I have ever experienced windows . Probably because I started this journey in poop out. I’m hoping as I go lower and changes are made that I will see lovely open windows . Having said that my evenings are usually better than  the days and some of my days are better than others . I can watch tv and I’m working and I can read a little so it could be worse! 
 

take care 
 
 

 

[Hanna72]

I need to say that I am having more frequent windows😃 An hour there and few hours here. Went to sleep with a smile on my face yesterday and woke up with the same smile.😃Today is a good day. This ride is like a rollercoaster it’s so bizarre. 
I want to say to you @Longestroadhome you WILL get windows, it’s a matter of  time. Stay strong my friend, you will be free🙏
Sending strength, positive thoughts to all of you in here, we are stronger than we think in these waves💪
 

[Longroadhome]

47 minutes ago, Hanna72 said:

I need to say that I am having more frequent windows😃 An hour there and few hours here. Went to sleep with a smile on my face yesterday and woke up with the same smile.😃Today is a good day. This ride is like a rollercoaster it’s so bizarre. 
I want to say to you @Longestroadhome you WILL get windows, it’s a matter of  time. Stay strong my friend, you will be free🙏
Sending strength, positive thoughts to all of you in here, we are stronger than we think in these waves💪
 

You have described it perfectly 

it’s a roller coaster 🎢  ride Couldn’t have put it better myself Hanna. 
ive analysed my up and down days and spoke with Altostrata and YES it would appear I am having waves and windows too

i just thought I wasn’t as I put my better days down to me being more accepting of my symptoms . 
I am a pessimist and just thought I would be unlikely to have windows like  others on the site that don’t  so what I was experiencing was more likely to be me coping better on certain days more than others . 
so it’s good to finally accept that I am having windows. 
onwards and upwards !! 

[Hanna72]

Yes I know how you feel @Longroadhome As I had a lower dose of Paxil in my system the more intense windows I had, so know that you will experience them more clear and you will have no doubt that the feeling of calm, strength and clear thoughts are truly a window 🙏

[Longroadhome]

2 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Yes I know how you feel @Longroadhome As I had a lower dose of Paxil in my system the more intense windows I had, so know that you will experience them more clear and you will have no doubt that the feeling of calm, strength and clear thoughts are truly a window 🙏

[Longroadhome]

Just now, Longroadhome said:

2 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Yes I know how you feel @Longroadhome As I had a lower dose of Paxil in my system the more intense windows I had, so know that you will experience them more clear and you will have no doubt that the feeling of calm, strength and clear thoughts are truly a window 🙏

I never thought about the clear thoughts but yes you are right. Yesterday was a good day for me and thinking about it I was focusing on my tasks for the day and got them done . 
I also had a joke with friends and listened and sang along to music on the radio. And yes I was calm . It’s wonderful when we get our old selves back even if just for a day 😊
you’re doing well Hanna keep going 

I am impressed with anyone who takes on the challenge of Paxil WD. It’s a monster. 

[mustafa]

Hello hanna,

Iam sorry, I think I miss alot of your updates my friend but Iam.always thinking of u.

Thank you for caring words in my topic, they always make difference for me.

I also wanted to drop here to hold your hand and tell you to hang on, have patience and be optimistic.

All of us is with u in our hearts❤.

Take care please of yourself.

Your friend, mustafa.

[Erell]

Hello Hannah, 

wanted to thank you deeply for your strong support !

I love your faith in healing, love your attitude !

 

And I love Longroadhome words : so worth it !

 

Thinking of you ❤️

 

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Hanna72, just dropping by to say hello and I hope you're in another window. And if not, there's sure to be another one soon xxx

[Hanna72]

Since my last post, I have been improving. More frequent windows, YES😃 This has been the longest time they have stayed with me. 
I am on a roll now, using these windows to step out of my comfort zone. Still struggling with anxiety, but it’s not crippling. 
I have a hard time still driving in a lot of traffic, so today I thought, well what options do I have, I will not let my anxiety stop me. Let’s see....oh I will take the bus then😁

I haven’t stepped in to one of those in years. So I took a bus ride😂
I have not had any wd symptoms to report, I feel quite “normal “

Now I need to practice and use all the coping skills that I have, and keep on going and improving 💪

Thank you all for the support you guys and kind words as always. 
We will not be defeated, we will heal🙏

[mustafa]

9 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Since my last post, I have been improving. More frequent windows, YES😃 This has been the longest time they have stayed with me. 
I am on a roll now, using these windows to step out of my comfort zone. Still struggling with anxiety, but it’s not crippling. 
I have a hard time still driving in a lot of traffic, so today I thought, well what options do I have, I will not let my anxiety stop me. Let’s see....oh I will take the bus then😁

I haven’t stepped in to one of those in years. So I took a bus ride😂
I have not had any wd symptoms to report, I feel quite “normal “

Now I need to practice and use all the coping skills that I have, and keep on going and improving 💪

Thank you all for the support you guys and kind words as always. 
We will not be defeated, we will heal🙏

What a wonderful news hanaa,

Thanks for sharing these positive words, they give hope ❤❤.

Continue, never lose it.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear, Hanna. You haven't had to use quetiapine or oxezapam for a while?

[sunnysideup69]

Great stuff @Hanna72 xxx

[Hanna72]

@Altostrata Thank you.🙏No I have not used quetiapine at all since coming off the drugs. I threw away those pills so I don’t have them in my house anymore. 
The oxezepam I have not used for few weeks now. I do still have them on me for comfort. My coal is to reach within myself for comfort, not to reach for a pill.

I have started a CBT therapy for my panic attacks, my therapist told me that I can overcome it with coping skills, and practice.

Thanks for dropping by 🙏
 

[Altostrata]

Sounds like excellent progress, Hanna. Congratulations.

 

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[Erell]

And here comes the sun ! ❤☀️

So happy for you when I read your progress, more healing is coming...!

 

[Hanna72]

Yes here comes the sun, thank you guys ☀️
 

I want to use this post today to give the people who might read this positivity🙂

These are my improvements:

 

I can read a book , haven’t been able to sit and focus on one task for long, I could only listen to audio books

My walks are more fast paced

I have been doing a lot of sewing, for hours on end
I am so much calmer 

More energy 

My sleep has improved 

I can finally work on my panic attacks 

My vision is improving (less blurred)

No headaches

Less nausea 

Less dizziness 

Last but not least, I get goosebumps 😃 anything that I hear or see that moves me, so weird, haven’t felt that in years 

My spirits have lifted 😊

 

I have to admit that anger has fuelled me in this process, still have that, but is lessening. 
I also want you to know that I admire everyone in here. We are all survivors💪
I am a work in progress , but things have finally improved, and so will all of you.

One goal we all share

Freedom🙏

 

 

 

 

 

[Erell]

Dear Hannah, 

 

you never cease to amaze me ! 

Your strenght and faith in healing really inspire me !

And this is not idle talk : everytime I read your updates, I can feel your positivity contaminating my mind and body !

 

So, thank you for this 🙏

 

And really pleased to read your improvements. Enjoy those good nights of sleep, they are so sweet ❤️

 

I'm being curious : when you talk about anxiety, would you say it is a common anxiety, or a chemical Wd induced one ?

 

3 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

I can read a book , haven’t been able to sit and focus on one task for long, I could only listen to audio books

 

I understand so well ! Couldn't sit and read for some time when I first came on SA, and it was so nice when I could again !

Books really are a fantastic way to calm down and escape

 

Take care ☀️

 

[Longroadhome]

Great news Hanna !! 
so pleased for you in every way 

keep moving forward.  

it takes great strength to go through WD and no doubt you will be compensated in recovery ! 

 

 

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

 

a question for you 

you were on Paxil a very long time 

did you develop poop out as in symptoms of WD while taking Paxil ? 
 

what did you originally go on ADs for if I may ask ? 
 

[Hanna72]

Erell thank you  🙏 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I'm being curious : when you talk about anxiety, would you say it is a common anxiety, or a chemical Wd induced one ?

I have always had anxiety. But my panic attacks is the reason I went on Paxil. I can’t tell the difference between chemical and my own anxiety. But what I can tell you is that Paxil NEVER helped me with anxiety, it numbed me yes, but that is not helping in my opinion.  That’s what I have learned, we have to work on it, even though it’s scary, I have been so scared for so many years, I refuse to let it stop me now. I want to live, and I don’t want my panic attacks to control me anymore.

48 minutes ago, Longroadhome said:

 

@Hanna72

 

a question for you 

you were on Paxil a very long time 

did you develop poop out as in symptoms of WD while taking Paxil ? 
 

what did you originally go on ADs for if I may ask ? 

 

I have thought about it, I think I was in tolerance. A lot of times I felt like a drug addict, I could feel the wd come. It’s a scary place to be at. I could NOT miss a dose or I would suffer 

To be honest I NEVER believed that Paxil helped me, it numbed me yes. Thats why I have so much anger in me. I don’t like « labels «  anymore. Everyone goes through hard times, it’s called to be human.  But I was young and I believed my doctor.

I went on Paxil for panic attacks 

Something you can get help with other then pill form

[Longroadhome]

What do you mean by suffer Hanna? 
I knew I was in tolerance because I started to get symptoms such as anxiety tinnitus night sweats allergies and other subtle symptoms over the last few years while taking 20mg Paxil . 
it was when the anxiety started that I knew I had to taper off 
does your anxiety come on in an instant with just a thought. As mine does and it’s exadurated and  can abate considerably  just by taking my mind off it and that’s why I think it is chemical.   
also  do you have or have you had depression ? 
I get anxiety and depression for me they go hand in hand 

The depression can feel severe one minute and much lighter if I take my mind off it the next. 

[Cocopuffz17]

4 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Yes here comes the sun, thank you guys ☀️
 

I want to use this post today to give the people who might read this positivity🙂

These are my improvements:

 

I can read a book , haven’t been able to sit and focus on one task for long, I could only listen to audio books

My walks are more fast paced

I have been doing a lot of sewing, for hours on end
I am so much calmer 

More energy 

My sleep has improved 

I can finally work on my panic attacks 

My vision is improving (less blurred)

No headaches

Less nausea 

Less dizziness 

Last but not least, I get goosebumps 😃 anything that I hear or see that moves me, so weird, haven’t felt that in years 

My spirits have lifted 😊

 

I have to admit that anger has fuelled me in this process, still have that, but is lessening. 
I also want you to know that I admire everyone in here. We are all survivors💪
I am a work in progress , but things have finally improved, and so will all of you.

One goal we all share

Freedom🙏

 

 

 

 

 

That is awesome to hear! Very interesting we have the exact same feelings coming back. I cannot remember having goosebumps at all during my 11 years on paxil and now that I am off I get them all the time. What a joy it is to feel emotions of being a human being !!! So glad for yo

[Hanna72]

@Longroadhome What I mean by suffering is that if I didn’t take my Paxil dose at the same time I had wd symptoms. I had to have Paxil on me at all times, in case I had forgotten to take it. That’s what I call an addict. 
To be honest I don’t like to talk about the horrific effects of Paxil, but I can tell you that at one time I thought I had MS and I I went to a doctor about it, without no results.

My focus has mostly been the positive, I don’t want to lingerie in the negative. That mentality has saved me I believe.

Yes my thoughts contribute to my anxiety for sure, it’s a pattern that I am working on

I can only tell you this, everyone suffers, that’s life. What we are not told when we are put on this poison, is that it makes our nervous system so fragile. But I believe that we are in this group for a reason. We know better, and we are willing to go the extra mile, what ever it takes. 
That’s what makes us true survivors💪

[Hanna72]

Thank you @Cocopuffz17

Yes it feels amazing to feel.

I want you to know that you have been my inspiration. You are a true survivor 🙏 Keep on thriving💪

[Erell]

25 minutes ago, Hanna72 said:

To be honest I don’t like to talk about the horrific effects of Paxil,

 

Please excuse us Hannah if our curiosity is unpleasant, and feel free to not answer.

Yourself first, always ❤️

 

Just know how much you are an inspiration for our community, and how much we love your positivity ☀️

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

thank you for  your reply 

so true that these drugs make our CNS so fragile . 
 

we never got told about the  side effects Of ADs only that we had a chemical imbalance .

I am now a firm believer that we don’t need something to “fix” anxiety or depression . We have the capacity to do this without being medicated. By using self belief and inner strength and Hanna you havevthis in abundance !!  
 

as you say it takes special courage to come off this medication and you are doing fantastic !! 

[Hanna72]

No problem @Erell 
I am still furious of those of us still suffering, if it comes of cross negative I am sorry. I just feel enormous sadness reading stories of suffering and all I want to do is tell you all that it will get better. 
And @Longroadhome I have so much faith in you, I will be on the sideline to root for you🙏

[Longroadhome]

Aaah thank you Hanna from  my heart 

That has brought a tear to my eye. 

 

 

[Hanna72]

I want to share with you a song  I had on repeat months on end

First in my taper I had the song; Not afraid, by Eminem 

What I did is grab some lines out of the song and apply it to myself 

[Intro]
Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're tryna get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

[Verse 1]
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em
'Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin' mayhem
When I say I'ma do somethin', I do it
I don't give a damn what you think, I'm doin' this for me
So **** the world, feed it beans
It's gassed up if it thinks it's stoppin' me
I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably
And all those who look down on me
I'm tearin' down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game
Like a "**** you" for Christmas, his gift is a curse
Forget the Earth, he's got the urge to pull his d*ck from the dirt
And **** the whole universe

 

I had that song on repeat every morning I woke up, in the begining of my taper in 2019

 

Lyrics and songs have played a big tribute in my recovery. 
Use everything you have

and it will get you were you want to be🙏

 

[Cocopuffz17]

10 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Thank you @Cocopuffz17

Yes it feels amazing to feel.

I want you to know that you have been my inspiration. You are a true survivor 🙏 Keep on thriving💪

 

Awww thanks! I appreciate it alot! You are extremely strong as well! I am glad it going good for you  

[PerAsperaAdAstra]

Hi Hanna72! Saw your message all of a sudden. Sort of missed it. I get really excited if I see someone like you having battled this Paxil devil and coming out on the other side. Way to go! :-D. Really inspiring so thanks.

 

I'm nowhere near where you are, but going down from 30mg to 20mg nearly did not cause any bumps. Your rooting is really helpful. 

[Erell]

Hello dear Hanna,

 

How are you doing these days?

 

Take care ☀️