Hanna72: I will be free

[Hanna72]

@Longroadhome @mustafa

@Erelland @sunnysideup69

Thank you all so much for your endless support, and sunny your words came at a such good moment. 

Yes I have been struggling really hard. Just don’t know why. Feels like a huge setback. 
And it’s true the COVID situation is making it worse, since I have become very isolated, which is also due to my work in health care.

 

I am sorry you all I haven’t been able to support this community since it is triggering me at the moment.

Take good care of yourself everyone, I will be back when I can.

Hugs my friends ❤️

 

 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Hanna72

[sunnysideup69]

3 minutes ago, Hanna72 said:

@Longroadhome @mustafa

and @sunnysideup69

Thank you all so much for your endless support, and sunny your words came at a such good moment. 

Yes I have been struggling really hard. Just don’t know why. Feels like a huge setback. 
And it’s true the COVID situation is making it worse, since I have become very isolated, which is also due to my work in health care.

 

I am sorry you all I haven’t been able to support this community since it is triggering me at the moment.

Take good care of yourself everyone, I will be back when I can.

Hugs my friends ❤️

 

 

You must look after yourself first, hun. It's essential. By the way, I'm post menopause and know the fluctuations in hormones are tricky to navigate at the same time as all this. But, it also slowly settles. 

I'm also isolated at times, apart from work, and it does make recovery tough. This is just a blip. You'll feel good again. Your CNS is working hard to recover xxxxx

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

just think when all this is over you will be healed and will never in your lifetime have to go through this again . 
 

keep going Hanna. 

Here is an affirmation, one of Baylissas that applies to you: 
 

 “Today I accept and do not judge myself if I feel scared, sad or overwhelmed. It is normal to feel this way in withdrawal  and I acknowledge my courage and my strength”

 

You are courageous  and you have strength and this will see you through to peace happiness and recovery. Xx

 

[Hanna72]

@Longroadhome and @sunnysideup69thank you so much. Your words of kindness means so much to me.
You are such lovely souls and I am grateful for you❤️


 

 

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Hanna72, how are you doing? Was the Christmas season ok?

[Hanna72]

Hi @sunnysideup69

Thank you for dropping by.

Unfortunately I have not been good. I crashed few weeks ago and became housebound and terrified of everything. I could not go to work and could not function due to extreme anxiety and panic attacks every day. I could not sleep and lost my appetite. 
I have tried so hard😔I don’t want to scare people here, so I will leave it at that. 
I hope you are good dear and sorry for this negative post but this is my situation now and I am getting tired.

 

[sunnysideup69]

No need to apologize, @Hanna72. It's important to be real. Am sorry you are going through this latest setback for several weeks.

I know you know this, it's windows and waves and there's no telling when a stinker of a wave will happen. Plus, it's winter and dark.

Honestly, you've only been drug free since March and I've been amazed by your fortitude.

You're still healing.

Sending you good wishes for continued healing in 2021 💕

[Erell]

My dear Hanna

 

There is nothing to be ashamed of : we all do the best we can, anf I think we all know here how incredibly brave you've been during your journey.

 

I unfortunately know well how intense this WD terror-anxiety can feel. And a lot of people here have gone through it too : you're not alone ❤

I found that during my most difficult days all I can do was try to distract with videos.

When our CNS are so sensitive and we are afraid of everything, it's not always easy to find something to watch : I don't know if it might help you a bit but here are my tips :

I've watched a lot ( a lot ) of make up tutorials on youtube. Even if I don't use make up, I found it smoothing and nothing terrified me in those videos.

I also watch a lot of videos with babies laughing, or funny animals.

Sometimes this is the only thing our CNS can handle,  and that's ok, nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I don't know if you currently can bear some music : I found that I could handle some relaxation music, or lullaby music with water-rain sounds.

 

I also do a lot of sudokus : even if it doesn't erase symptoms, it helps my mind to focus on something neutral.

 

- When I take a look to your signature, I see that you jumped off last March. It means you're 10 months off. 

It makes me think about something I've seen @brassmonkey mentionning several times here, please see :

 

- this: 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/23517-off-the-drug-in-paws-there-a-4-month-wave-10-month-18-month/?do=findComment&comment=320905

 

- and this :

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/23081-are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take/?do=findComment&comment=492502

 

 

 

I send you big hugs my dear Hanna, I am rooting for you, always.

❤❤❤

 

Ps : I'm sorry about the long links, I only have my phone for now.

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Hanna72

Just wanted to say I agree with what Errell is saying about the possibility that what you are experiencing is a 10 month wave. I had something similar and at a similar time-frame post quitting a drug as you are now. I jumped off sertrline at 18.75mg last February (although I am taking other medication so not drug free). I have been doing better recently. Then all of a sudden at the beginning of December I started to feel awful. Terrible hopelessness and SI. This lasted about 2 weeks then I very suddenly woke up feeling better. No rhyme or reason it just happened. What’s more I felt like my baseline had improved as well. Felt like a lot of healing had happened during the time I felt so awful. I believe this was a 10 month wave and although it felt awful and like it would never end -it did and to a better place. While it feels terrible when you are in it and like you will be that way forever try not believe this to be the case. It is withdrawal brain lying to you. I truly believe you will come out of it and will most likely be better than you were before the wave. Hang in there - it will get better. Xx

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

 

Hang in there you’ve done amazingly well and I think the same as Erell it’s a 10 month 🌊 

 

Erell had added some good points about calming yourself with videos and mind games. 
added to that I also like doing crosswords and colouring in books for adults. 
 

Baylissa has started to

post some new success stories on her web that are very good to read . 
 

thinking of you Hanna stay strong 

 

wishing you peace and happiness in the new year xx 

[Hanna72]

Thank you all @sunnysideup69 @Erell @BadMedicine @Longroadhome for your support and kind words.

I am loosing faith in this journey, I have to be able to work. I am considering reinstating small amount of fluoxetine so I can function. This is no way to live and I can not be in WD for years. 
Sorry to disappoint you all, but my well-being has to be my priority.

Stay safe and well, and please follow the mods advice here about slow taper.
Hugs to you all❤️

[Mimi79]

Hi dear @Hanna72,

I can understand why you are thinking about reinstatement. Sometime, our struggles are just too much to handle and our first goal is being well and functional again. This is perfectly ok to do that, we don’t need to suffer this much. 

I’m thinking of you and I know you will find your way through recovery, no matter how much time it will take. It is a process.

 

I send you big hugs and good vibes, I will always be there to support you, like you’ve always be there for us. 
 

Mimi79

[Erell]

@Hanna72,

 

Please don't talk about disappointing us, there is no such thing. 

WD journey is often the biggest challenge we have to face in a life, so considering options is not a crime. It is human, and perfectly understandable.

We are a peer support community.

 

And we are a peer support community with a harm reduction approach : 

If you decide to try a reinstatement, may I suggest a very low dose to see how your body react ? 

 

I would also suggest to take daily notes : it will help you to see how reinstatement might affect your symptoms.

 

Sending hugs ❤

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

As you have been off ADs for some time do please consider a re instatement may not work  therefore a tiny amount may be the starting point. 
if you could possibly hold on I think you may get through  this. You know what it’s like when you think you are feeling  at your worst your mind can trick you . It really sounds like you’ve been thrown into a bad wave. 
 

whatever you decide you have the support of all of us 

 

this journey is non linear and that’s what makes it so very difficult. 
 

Thinking of you Hanna x

 

[Gridley]

@hanna

 

As Erell said, disappointing us is absolutely not a factor in your considering reinstatement.  You have every right to to weigh all the factors in your self-care.  We support you.

 

Let me go over some of the basics of reinstatement, many of which you may already be familiar with.  First, please read (or re-read) the following:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms. -- at least the first page of the topic

 

Reinstatement works most dependably within three months of your last dose.  You're now around 9 months out.  So reinstatement might work, or it might not.  It takes four days for the the reinstatement to reach full strength in your blood stream and a few more days to register in the brain.  So give the reinstatement time to work.  Be patient.

 

Erell is also correct when she suggests reinstating with a very small dose.  Your system is sensitized from the months at zero and has also adjusted somewhat to not having the drug for those months.  From your signature I see you jumped to zero from 0.09mg.  If you decide to reinstate, I'd reinstate a very low dose, like 0.03mg or even lower.  You can always go higher if necessary once you've given the low dose a chance to work. Reinstatement is one of those situati0ns where more is not better   Too much can overwhelm your system, and reinstating at a low dose lessens the possibility of an adverse reaction.  If after reinstating you feel worse, stop the instatement immediately.  

 

Please keep in mind that the purpose of reinstatement isn't to eliminate withdrawal symptoms (though it does for some) but rather to make those symptoms tolerable.

 

Gridley

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 2, 2021 by Gridley

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

 

just to add you do not disappoint anyone you are human and suffering. 
there have been many times on this journey that I would have considered my position about WD if I had not started in tolerance. Things for me may have been different but I have no choice but continue to taper as my body has long since started to work around the drug. 

 

Whatever you decide know that you are the bravest of the brave. This journey isn’t for the faint hearted and time and time again you have shown true grit and willpower  . 
A brave person doesn’t have to stick to the same decision.  they may have to choose a different path down the mountain. A brave person will do this to continue on their journey. 
 

Don’t worry  or be discouraged X 
 

 

[Hanna72]

@Mimi79 @Erell @Gridley @Longroadhome

Thank you all for the encouragement and support, it means a lot❤️
I will post on how my reinstatement goes. I really don’t know what went wrong I had been doing fairly good and managed my anxiety. 
But at 8 months off, slowly everything went down hill. To the point I had no control over my anxiety and therefore spiralling into mental and physical torture. I just want to feel better and I have become desperate. I have had to take oxezapam daily cause my system can’t calm down. And I hate to take that. 
I have faith that I will be able to find my way out of this disaster, and I will be patient.

Thank you all again, you are all amazing and I am grateful for you all❤️

[Hanna72]

So I reinstated 1 mg fluoxetine on the 4 of January. No improvements, so today I moved up to 2 mg.  

I am really struggling, just want to stabilise so I can function again. At this point I don’t care how high I go, I am scared this poison Paxil has damaged me.

The only comfort I can take from all this is I am reinstating fluoxetine and not Paxil.

My heart is broken, I never thought I would have to go back on this.

I have done so many mistakes, one tapering off way to quickly.

I am thinking after I stabilise to do the brass monkey slide. 
So my goal will be to get off for good, no matter the time it will take.

 

[Mimi79]

Hi dear @Hanna72,

I hope this reinstatement will soon work for you. Of course, it will take some times for your CNS to adjust to this new intake. Take your time, no need to rush.
But I understand you, there is no fun to be in this awful « never ending wave » state. We reach a point where the only thing that matters is to be well again and to function on a day to day basis. 

Once you will stabilize, you will be able to taper very slowly and this time it will be the good one! 
I will always stand beside you to listen and encourage you. You are not alone.

Big hugs and take care!

Mimi79❤️
 

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

Please don’t beat yourself up by having to reinstate we all know how difficult this journey is.

Just give your body and mind time to adjust slowly to the fluoxetine. Do not be tempted to keep upping the dose for relief it seldom works from what I have seen.

Also do bear in mind it may not work  as you have been off all meds for a number of months so upping the dose every few weeks may be pointless.  I really don’t want to sound like a kill joy Hanna I know what it’s like to want relief from these symptoms and it can make us rush instead of rationalise. 

The good thing is you haven’t had an adverse reaction as some people do when they have been off the AD for a few months and then try to reinstate.  this is a good sign. 
 

You can never plan the future by the past so do not be scared you have damaged your body with Paxil. You have not. Your body is waiting to heal. This is just your WD brain feeding you negative information.

 

You will stabilise Hanna you are strong you will cope snd you will heal 

 

This too shall pass x
 

 

 

 

[Erell]

Hello my dear Hanna

 

I'm really sorry to read that you're struggling hard, I send you huge hugs 🤗

You're not damaged : you have a sensitive CNS trying hard to do his repair work.

 

About reinstating :

 

- please keep in mind that Fluoxetine has a very long half life. 

I would wait several weeks before updosing.

- Have you noticed changes, whatever it is, since you reinstated ?

 

 

Don't take me wrong, I'm absolutely not judging you : we all hope for relief while going through these extreme states.

Better to go slow and see how that goes than loading too much drug.

 

You're strong Hanna, never doubt that ❤

[Cigale]

Oh my dear sweet @Hanna72 - You are listening to your heart and doing what you need to survive this incredibly challenging journey. You have always been there for me, and so many others, with your beautiful words and infinite kindness. I wish I could do more to help you. A couple things that help me are regular meditation (20 minutes/day minimum) where I just observe my breath going in and out of my belly; making sure I drink 2-3 liters of water; 30 minutes of very gentle yoga before bed; and writing in a gratitude journal every night. Sometimes the meditation is difficult but as I have stuck to it, I have noticed at my core I have become more calm. Also, I feel it when I miss a day.

 

You are so strong and you will get through this. I am holding you in my heart and sending healing hugs! 🤗

[sunnysideup69]

@Hanna72, never feel you are disappointing anyone or letting anyone down....it's awful to feel bad and stuck in a long wave.

However, you are strong. And part of being strong is knowing when you may need some help/to reinstate. I think it's good you're giving it a try and would urge caution in line with others, try not to rush an updose. 

Let yourself settle. S L O W L Y does it. Wish I could say more, just know you've got lots of listening ears here.

Personally, I also blame winter....excuse my geographical ignorance, but you must surely be getting a lot of hours of darkness at the moment, in Iceland? I KNOW lack of light is a definite trigger for worse waves, for me, and then there's the strange world situation. 

Sending big big hugs xxx

[Longroadhome]

[Hanna72]

My dear friends. @sunnysideup69 @Erell@Longroadhome @Cigale @Mimi79 and you all that have given me support on here There are no words to describe the kindness, support and encouragement you have all shown me. I am forever grateful for you all❤️
I am listening and thinking carefully to all of your advices. 
Having no one but myself to rely on makes this really hard.

First my reinstatement is going ok. I am up to 2 mg, but I have still so much anxiety and panic. My thoughts are racing nonstop without any relief, leaving me in a state of vomiting the little food I can intake, and being in physical pain, that is constantly on high alert. None of my coping skills are working, and I have tried everything. I am just really afraid. 
I would like to share with anyone reading this, the things I would have done differently  if it can help anyone here.

1. Please do a slow taper, this is so very important 

2. Do not google symptoms 

3. Don’t be consumed by this journey, try to go about your day like as if you are not tapering 

4. Avoid horror stories 

5. Be thankful for every small cut you make, because it’s huge.

6. Practice coping skills, even though you don’t feel at the moment you have to use them, they will come in handy and strengthen you along the way

7. Listen to your body, it’s communicating with you 

8. Make exercise ( what ever feels comfortable to you) a daily routine 

9. Eat healthy as much as you can, it will help you regain your strength 

10. Stay positive, and know you will be free🙏

I have made the decision to take a break from this forum. I have become obsessed with this, so it’s time for me to step aside. 
Know this, you are all my heroes and every single one of you has made an impact on my life in some way or another. 
You will be forever kept in my heart, and I am rooting for all of you in spirit.

Mark my words, I will be back, I am not done yet😉


 

 

[Longroadhome]

9 hours ago, Longroadhome said:

We will miss you Hanna 

please take care of yourself and keep us posted. 
you’re not done yet and I remain forever grateful for your kind words during times when I was struggling. 
you're a good person 
Remember  we are only a whisper away if you need us  xx 

[sunnysideup69]

Thanks for all your input, @Hanna72 - you've really lifted me up when I've felt low or anxious

 

You take care of yourself, have a break if you need to. We all have to put ourselves first in this healing process.

 

Sending big hugs, hope the prozac begins to settle your nervous system soon. All good wishes to you xxx

[LostInMarshes]

@Hanna72, oh you beautiful soul, rooting for you and your healing.

[Erell]

Hello dear @Hanna72

 

I'm wondering how you're doing these days and hoping you found some relief.

 

Sending big hugs and support ❤

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Hanna72

Echoing Erell's words above. Hoping you are feeling a little more stable.

xxx

[Hanna72]

Hi my friends. thank you all for checking in on me, you guys are so sweet.

I appreciate you all @Erell @Longroadhome @sunnysideup69 @Stormstrong
 

My update

I have finally stabilised at 9 mg fluoxetine. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, going through this horrific wd symptoms, that seemed to come out of nowhere all of a sudden, after doing fairly good for months.  At my worst the feeling was like not being connected with my mind and body. My body doing it’s own thing out of nowhere. It was really scary. 
How ever, what I have come to realise is that I am in full blown menopause😏 I have had my blood checked and it is confirmed. That explains a lot for me and I am both relieved and irritated at the same time, being again on meds. 
I am relieved because I know now that a time will come that I can be med free, but irritated that I feel I am at square one once again. 
I am not going to taper for a while now, I still have anxiety which I can manage most of the time. Now I will be going super slowly, the destination is the same but I am taking a different route 🙂

Take good care off yourself my friends, and again I will not be on here for a while, I know you understand. 
Hugs to you all ❤️

 

 

[Erell]

Oh this is wonderful @Hanna72 !

I'm so glad you're finally feeling like you are stabilising, a well deserved relief !

And I believe you're right to take your time : enjoy life and coming spring ☀️

 

One day, if you decide to taper, this time you'll have all the infos you need and our support 🤗

[runningthestreets]

I have read all your story and you are very brave!

 

I send you huges from Spain!

 

You CAN do this, and you will heal. That's for sure.

[Hanna72]

Hi everyone 

I have been having a rough time lately. Feels like my symptoms have ramped up again.

My anxiety is very high. 
I have tingling feeling in my legs and tremors all over my body. Feels like venom is running through my veins.

I am scared I will not make it out of this horrible withdrawals. Its been over a year I stopped Paxil. So I am thinking if this is still my withdrawals from it. 

Is my nervous system damaged, I wonder every day.

I am still on 9 mg fluoxetine and I can feel that it’s not as strong as when I was on Paxil 10 mg, which in a weird way I am glad for, because it pushes me to use my coping skills and learn how to deal with my anxiety
 

The good thing is I sleep well and for that I am grateful for. 

 

Just so over this already 😔
 

 

 

 

 

[Erell]

Dear @Hanna72

 

I'm really sorry to read you're struggling at the moment and wanted to send you big hugs ❤

 

I'm always amazed, this process is a real rollercoaster. I always try to keep in mind that whatever the drug history is, people do get better eventually ☀️

 

Since when are you taking 9mg ?

 

One possibility is that this dose is a bit strong for your body now that it had made ajustements to less SSRI.

 

I'm so glad you are able to sleep well, this is a delightful break 🤗

 

Thinking of you 

[Hanna72]

Thank you dear  @Erell for stopping by❤️
 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Since when are you taking 9mg

Sometime in March. I don’t remember the exact date.
 

 

6 hours ago, Erell said:

One possibility is that this dose is a bit strong for your body now that it had made ajustements to less SSRI.

Yes I have thought about that, but now I have become really scared of moving my dose at all.  My aim is to reduce by 10% and hold each dose for minimum 4 weeks or longer and see how that goes. 

I need to be able to function and work. 
Sending a huge hug right back to you ❤️🙏