Hanna72: I will be free

[Greatful]

@Hanna72 That really is a bummer, no support!   Well, you do know you have a ton of it here.

6 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

I am blasting Christina Aguilera song fighter

 

You are lucky you can tolerate loud noises🤪  I can get over stimulated very easily. Watching tv can be over stimulating😞 

 

I am carious how troubling your symptoms are when you are in a wave.  I really want to cut 1% or 2% off of my Lex.  I think it is part of my problem.  It effects my appetite and I think it over stimulates me. Hubby tells me that all you can do it try and see how it goes.  I am terrified, it was so  bad in the  spring😰  

 

Hang in there, your wave will be over soon.

 

 

 

 

 

[Sebas]

Try to discover if its a reaction to qomething you did, eat or drank. So you can be aware of it in the near future.

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Hanna72, hope this wave buggers off soon! I'm sure it will. You're doing such a good job of waiting things out. Sending some good, summery vibes your way. Having to use imagination as it's currently very rainy here in UK 😂 xxx

[Hanna72]

Thank you all for your support and dropping by💕

 

@Greatful Yes sometimes I can listen loudly to music, it varies as so much else in this journey. I know how you feel about being scared of dropping a dose. When you do, I think it’s very wise doing a small 1% as you mentioned, just to test the waters out and seeing how it goes for you. 
You are doing the best you can, and supporting so many of us in here, thank you 🙏 

 

@Sebas I am sure that the pandemic plays a big role this time around for me. As I am a health care worker and the situation in my country is not good at the moment. 
How are you doing?

 

@sunnysideup69At last we got some sunny days here in Reykjavik, guess the rain has moved over to the UK 😊

 

[Erell]

Hello dear @Hanna72,

 

Oh I didn't realise you work in health care, no doubt this particular year has been and still is a challenge.

Thank you for all you do ❤

 

I hope this wave passes soon 🙏

 

That is so great to be able to listen to music, music and dancing can be such amazing tools !

 

Don't hesitate to hold if it feeis like your body needs it, you've through a lot lately.

 

I am so proud of you, I love having the luck to be inspired by so many of you!

 

Take good care dear friend ☀️

[Hanna72]

Thank you dear @Erellfor your kind words. 
You continue to amaze me with your resilience and strength, and your posts of encouragement and support always brighten  up my day even though I know you are struggling.

You are my inspiration and I am grateful to have you along this journey with me.

Thank you my friend for supporting me as always 

Big hug sent your way 💕

[Hanna72]

Hi everyone 

Still sitting in a deep wave. I am just so discouraged today and feel enormous depression. I have never been a depressed person so this is just disheartening. I keep asking myself if this is my new reality, everything revolves around my tapering, I need to avoid this, can’t do that and so on.

I feel so lonely, wish I had someone to hug me and help me and tell me that I will make it to the other side.

On top it’s the damn menopause crushing me with hot flushes day in and day out, it’s exhausting.

I just want to live a normal life were I don’t have to constantly think about this journey and avoid things that will not set me back into my nervous system to spiral.

I am sorry for this depressing post, I am just having a rough time. 
Take care everyone 💕

[Phoenixmama]

Hang in there , it’ll pass , so you have a support animal ? It really helps me when I’m down 

[Sebas]

Menopause itself can be enough to create depressed feelings. Body is adjusting to new hormonal balance. It's likely the interaction of withdrawal and menopause that creates these heavy waves. It's sort of a combined withdrawal.

 

My sister recently went through breastcancer therapy and is currently in early menopause. She's also got these flashes and feelings.

 

And then the covid/job circumstances as a third factor. So take it easy on yourself.

 

Keep going, tough situations build strong people in the end 😉💪👋

[Greatful]

@Hanna72 

3 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Still sitting in a deep wave. I am just so discouraged today and feel enormous depression. I have never been a depressed person so this is just disheartening.

 

I really feel your pain.  I wish we could all be together and hold each other😰

Why do you think the depression  hits so hard? I am struggling with it also and it is horrendous.

What is your secret at accepting it.  I try to let it be, but then it also attacks your thoughts and morphs them negatively.

 

I swear something is in the air.  So many members are struggling right now.

You are repeating a lot of  what I am reading.

 

3 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

I feel so lonely, wish I had someone to hug me and help me and tell me that I will make it to the other side.

I wish we could be together and hold each other.  I have a dream..............I will win the lottery and open a huge compound were people can come and stay when they are healing.

 

  

 

I am  glad that you are reaching out for help and let your pain be heard.  As awful as it sounds it is encouragement to other members as a reminder that there are many of us going through this journey and we all have hard times. We all need help and encouragement to have confidence that we are all the same and are here for each other.  We may not know what you look like or hear the sound of your voice, but we do hear your pain and know you are a unique and beautiful person. 💕

 

 You are also strong, compassionate and  I know you have  really good coping skills and you will make it through this.  ❤️

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

I hear you. 
We all do and we all understand what you are going through. some of the depression Is part of the on going battle of WD and the relentless round of symptoms we must endure.
there’s no doubt it’s a difficult journey. 
In times like this it’s best to not think ahead to the next day or week etc but to concentrate on acceptance right here right now.  It’s no good fighting you have to lay down your weapons and surrender. It’s the only way . ACCEPTANCE and planning your day going about your business with the symptoms present but trying not to give them too much attention. 
 

thinking of you Hanna x 
 

[Hanna72]

Thank you all for taking the time to send me these supporting and kind words. Knowing you all have difficulties with your own lives just shows how incredible human beings you all are, and that goes for all of you in here. 
Thank you❤️
 

@PhoenixmamaI couldn’t agree more with having animals for support. I love animals and have always had a dog since being a kid. I don’t have any at the moment, but I have been looking into it for few months now, so we’ll see if I find a match for me. 

@SebasYou are absolutely right about the menopause. Sorry to hear that your sister had to go through that. Hope she is pulling through. Thank you for the encouragement I needed to hear that.

@GreatfulThank you for those beautiful words you sent my way. And I love your idea of us all being together in a compound. We are all together in spirit that’s for sure. About acceptance, I also struggle with that one, I know what I need to do, but at times when I have a rough time, I usually resist it and become critical of my own feelings which is the opposite of what to do. 
I think many people are having a hard time because of the pandemic and how long it’s been going on, restrictions, and isolation, at least that’s what I experience with the people in my circle and I am one too.

 

@Longroadhome

Thank you my friend for dropping by, and yes I know you are absolutely right, I need to surrender. But it’s so hard when I don’t accept this condition at all. I want so much more for myself in life then this.

Its just so unfair, nobody should have to go through this, just to get rid of a drug. 
 

I will hang on, and work harder on acceptance, I will never quit.

 

I need to take a break from SA my friends for the time being just need to focus on anything else than this for now.

 

Hugs to all💕

 

[Hanna72]

Hi everyone 

Just wanted to drop in here and give an update. 
First I am sorry that I can’t support people here now since it’s to overwhelming for me and I am trying to not over think this journey, shifting my mindset to other things.

 

I am still in a wave of depression now. But the funny thing is that my anxiety is at the very minimum which I am grateful for. Can’t have it all I suppose.

I have dropped to 5.8 mg and haven’t felt any significant change. 
I would like to add though some good news. 
My family is all in supporting me, as they asked the other day if I am still taking the meds. I told them that yes but I have been tapering. And I said that if they were to criticise me for it I would not share my experience with them, so either support me or let it be. 
They said we do support you, we know and have seen first hand how awful it’s coming off these drugs for me. I just started sobbing and told them thank you for believing me. 
Feels good to have that support and understanding.

 

For me this journey is the hardest thing I have ever done. 
I feel like I have to reprogram my thoughts and learn how to control my feelings since the drug has masked it for years.

It is like my nervous system is “raw” if that makes any sense and I have to strengthen it and nurture it, in every way possible. Building foundation and layer it step by step.

 

What I have also discovered is that I really can’t know the difference in being exited and anxiety. I link automatically everything that I feel to anxiety. So I am learning all over again that my physical sensation aren’t all anxiety.

I also realise that everything that I can’t do or have during this process is actually replaced with some good habits and a healthier way of living. So even though I feel deprived I will look at it as a blessing in disguise and beneficial in the long run☺️
 

Would not be able to do this without you all amazing people in here. Thank you all.🙏

 

[Erell]

Oh @Hanna72,

 

I am so so happy to read what your family said ! You deserve this support, and I'm so glad to know you are surrounded by people who are willing to support you ❤

 

1 hour ago, Hanna72 said:

I also realise that everything that I can’t do or have during this process is actually replaced with some good habits and a healthier way of living. So even though I feel deprived I will look at it as a blessing in disguise and beneficial in the long run☺️

And THIS is exactly what I needed to read today, Thank you !!!

[Longroadhome]

@Hanna72

i know exactly how you feel. Everything from the tapering, the holding to the recovery is a snails pace and we just want it GONE. 

 

As you say there are some positives and for me I have learnt to be patient which I have carried over to other areas of my life. 
 

it is exasperating Hanna and you need the support of family. Someone to off load to. Someone that believes you are going through a hideous WD process that takes an inordinate amount of time to get through. Someone to give a hug just when it’s needed and someone to express our upset to face to face when it gets too much. I know. We all know. X
 

But all of us going through this have a strong belief we will recover else we wouldn’t keep, keeping on. 
And that’s what you have to keep doing Hanna. Keep going. 
 

you will make it to recovery along with all of us on here. Everybody makes it to the other side eventually. x
 

 

[arbor]

Hi @Hanna72--I send you warm wishes as we all find our way.

9 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

For me this journey is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

Sooo true!!!

 

Thinking of you💗

Arbor

[Greatful]

@Hanna72

9 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

They said we do support you, we know and have seen first hand how awful it’s coming off these drugs for me.

Oh what a relief you will get some support at home.  This will make the tough times a little easier

when you have someone to lean on.  Of course you know you have all of us here on SA too.❤️

 

I still want to build a big compound☺️

 

 

[Hanna72]

Thank you all for your supporting words sent my way @Erell @Longroadhome @arbor @Greatful 

I see and and hear your support and kindness, thank you, means so much to me💕

Yes it’s so important to have that support, I couldn’t agree more. I am a very independent person and asking for help is very difficult for me. But now I have the support and know I can ask for help if I choose too.

My sister just said to me today.. I really like the new you….so sensitive and real, well I did disagree, I felt vulnerable and a mess, but maybe I just  don’t know the real me.😏

Stay strong my friends 🙏

[Hanna72]

Hi everyone.

Wanted to give a little positive update😃

My tapering is going good, I am getting used to and accepting finally that I need to go slowly.

Took a while 😅

Here is a list of my improvements, yep it’s a list!

 

I have not had ANY panic attack for months now. ( had more on Paxil…weird right! )

 

I have days were I am so calm I even think about if I should have some coffee 😁 And I realise now that, that state is very unfamiliar to me and I get an empty feeling like something is missing and I need to fill it up somehow. Like I am addicted to the feeling of anxiety, if that makes any sense.

 

 

I can drive outside of the capital, ( not too far through…let’s not get ahead of ourselves ☺️) I could not do that even on 20 mg Paxil for the last few years 

 

I have days were nothing literally shakes me, even though some argument is happening right  in front of me.

 

Some days  I feel sad and lonely, so I let myself cry without judging and criticising myself for it. And always feel better afterwards. Learning!

I have not taken ANY other drugs ( oxazepam - for anxiety or quitepine - for insomnia) for 7 months now. Took it occasionally when on 20 mg Paxil.

 

Getting my faith back that I can do this. It crumbled when I crashed. 
I have a long way ahead of me I do understand and finally accept it. As to my goal is now safety and stability and everything else will follow, along with it my tapering.

 

As for my symptoms, I do have them still:

Extreme headaches 

vision problems 

nausea

dizziness

hard time swallowing sometimes 

stomach cramps 

memory problems 

crying spells

not being able to concentrate 

Tingling sensation 

Those I remember for now.

 

I have been tapering by 10% monthly and the lower I go I might switch to the 2.5% weekly if I feel it will be necessary. 

Much love to you all, you are all my heroes. 💕
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Frogie]

That’s a wonderful update! So glad to hear of your improvements 😊

[marie123]

Hi Hanna. This is very good news that you are having improvements. Hang in there. You have family support which helps so much. I have decent support but it could be better. You know you could go a bit slower to lessen the feeling of w/d. I cut about 2.5% every two weeks but hold if symptoms don't lessen enough.

 

How's beautiful Iceland? I wonder how are the winters there. Marie.

[Phoenixmama]

🌞❤️🌞❤️🌞

[Hanna72]

Thank you so much dear friends @Frogieand @marie123for dropping by.

Yes it is a really good day indeed 😊

Iceland/Reykjavik is rainy and windy today marie123. The winters here are cold, but not as much as people would think.

Autumn and winters are my favourite time, so I am in for a treat for the upcoming months.

21 minutes ago, marie123 said:

I cut about 2.5% every two weeks but hold if symptoms don't lessen enough.

That’s a good strategy, thank you for sharing. 
You are doing such a good job on your steady tapering, you should be so proud of yourself 🥰

[Erell]

What a wonderful update dear @Hanna72 !
You're doing such a great job navigating through this journey !
Keep it slow, and I'm sure you'll be just fine.
I'm with you with autumn being the best time of the year, let's enjoy those amazing colours 🧡

[Hanna72]

Hi everyone.

 

Today I am having cognitive problems, and it looks like my brain is not functioning. 
My friend asked me if I could accompany her to the bank for support. She was very nervous and I had to calm her down while feeling not at my best myself. So we get in there to talk to a staff member. I could feel my brain going blank. I could not hear or process what was said, and my friend really relied on me. I was  so disappointed in myself. 

 

Another thing I witnessed during the weekend at my work. I work in health care and I witness a lot of disturbing events,  I encounter with many mentally unwell people. I can see what “mentally ill” truly means. It’s nothing like we are told, if it were the whole world would be “mentally ill”. This event really triggered me, and made me think of all the horrible things I have dealt with in the past and the physiatrists who are clueless and ignorant. And how so many people would be better off with talk therapy instead of having them on hefty doses of drugs.

  I bet we could all write a book on how unfair we have been treated. This just makes me so angry and sad.

 

I just really wished that I was already free, I have to admit I want to get rid of this poison faster, but I know it’s not in my best interest. 
 

Sorry for that, I had to get this off my chest and I know you all understand.

 

Be well all, and never quit fighting we deserve our health and happiness drug free.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Hanna72

[Greatful]

@Hanna72

On 10/11/2021 at 2:29 PM, Hanna72 said:

Today I am having cognitive problems, and it looks like my brain is not functioning.

Boy can I relate.  Thank you for sharing this,  sometimes you wonder if you are the only one who has trouble with the mind and brain.  UGH

 

On 10/11/2021 at 2:29 PM, Hanna72 said:

I could not hear or process what was said, and my friend really relied on me. I was  so disappointed in myself. 

I think your friend was just happy that you were there with her.  Your brain may not have been functioning, but you were there in body, which I am sure helped her feel not alone.  Don't be so hard on yourself, you were there and did the best that you can.

 

On 10/11/2021 at 2:29 PM, Hanna72 said:

I bet we could all write a book on how unfair we have been treated. This just makes me so angry and sad.

I get the frustration, anger and even the sadness when it comes to the ignorance the medical field shows when it comes to these drugs.  How can they put their heads in the sand when there is so much information out there, on the web, books written by their peers, the pain that is filling the internet sites, Face Book, SA, other support groups.  How many of us would be in this mess if things were looked at differently in the medical world.  Oh yeah, then big Pharma would not make so much money.........

It is sad to say it is not just the physic drugs that are handed out like candy.  I am wondering if the doctors know of any other treatment besides handing out drugs for the quick fix.

 

Hang in there Hanna one day at time❤️

[Carmie]

Hi Hannah, 

 

Thanks for popping around to my thread. I’m so sorry you got triggered at work, we’ve gone through so much and continue to do so. When we see the misguided treatment a lot of patients get it can be really upsetting because we know how horrific it can be. 
 

I remember pacing back and forwards in the hospital because of severe Akathisia caused by being withdrawn off medications they had given me for chronic pain that I was taking for ages. The meds at the time were Valium and opiates and something else I think, I can’t remember.

 

I must have looked like a “mentally ill” patient with the way I was acting. At the time I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I really thought there was something terribly mentally wrong with me. It was only later on that I figured out it was the medication. I remember no one being able to help me, it was so bad, but the doctors just looked at me like I was mentally unstable. It’s just awful what the system has put us through. 
 

I hope you’re coping okay🧡
 

 

[Hanna72]

Thank you both @Gratefuland @Carmiefor dropping by with your kind words💕

 

I am sorry Carmie you had to experience this treatment, no one should go through this.

At least now we are very informed and we can take the power back.

 

Hugs sent to you guys 🥰
 

 

[Carmie]

12 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Thank you both @Gratefuland @Carmiefor dropping by with your kind words💕

 

I am sorry Carmie you had to experience this treatment, no one should go through this.

At least now we are very informed and we can take the power back.

 

Hugs sent to you guys 🥰
 

 

Yes, it’s certainly great that we know what’s wrong with us and why we are getting symptoms Hannah. At least we’ve learnt how to taper. 
 

I hope you’re coping okay today🧡
 

 

[Mimi79]

HI @Hanna72!

I hope you are doing a bit better now with your cognitive issue. 
I am just dropping by to say hello and to take some news from you. I hope your taper is going well, you are an incredible resilient person and I wish you the best in your recovery.

Have a nice day!

Anne-Marie 

[Hanna72]

You are so sweet @Mimi79 thank you and the  same goes to you 💕

 

Happy to say I am nicotine free 🤩 Always told myself that I would have to stop if I was getting off the meds. I want to be healthy all the way around. Now I  am below 5 mg and still having the waves and windows like a roller coaster ride, nothing new in that department, but I am stable and functioning 🙏
Today is a good day and I finally feel I am achieving something and that makes me feel good. 

 

Take care everyone !
 

 

[Phoenixmama]

@Hanna72 ❤️

[Hanna72]

Been struggling for the past few days. Got knocked down due to a family member saying that I might not be able to get off the medication. I was heartbroken and angry. My anger boiled as I had to remove myself from the person. I know deep down that it didn’t come from a bad place, rather fear as she has witnessed my crashes before.

 

In the end this only fuels me. I will never give up on myself and what I believe in.

 

To those of you who reads this and are struggling I want to say this.

 

Life is hard, and we for sure are in the battle of our lives. Never stop believing and most of all have faith in yourself. We came in here because we want better for ourselves and we DO believe in our instincts that we will be free.

Everyone struggles with fear, stress, what matters is, how are we going to respond to it! 

The story we tell ourselves in our head has to be encouraging and positive. Even though we might not “feel “ it, say it out loud. I CAN DO THIS, nothing will break me, I will never quit fighting for what I believe in and we deserve and are worth it.

Pain is not permanent, this to shall pass. 
 

When life knocks you down, get back up! It doesn’t matter how many times we fall, what matters is getting back up! And we will be rewarded in the end. The best rewards are from struggles, because then our strength shows through. That’s were the power is. 
 

Much love to you all💕

 

 

 

[Sottana]

@Hanna72i needed to read this tonight. I am with you tonight, my friend. You will accomplish getting off medication and healing. 

[Greatful]

@Hanna72

Thank you Hanna for the words of encouragement.  This really is a battle of wills.  The loudest  negative, distorted thoughts/voice  can't even fathom you will every make it  and the other more quite, tired voice can hardly be heard. 

You are an inspiration to all of us struggling through this journey🌞  

I know that you will make it all the way out of the maze.❤️

[Oaktree1]

@Hanna72

 

Just wanted to reach out to you about the family member.  I have read most of your story and just want to add my voice to what other posters have written about the courage and determination.  I totally relate to your anger about unsupportive family members.  It is very painful and isolating when people close to you don't support you.  You are very brave to be working and managing on your own.

 

It if helps at all, my family of origin is completely unsupportive to me  in relation to the protracted withdrawal from Cymbalta and in relation to the current drug I am tapering so I have finally just let go.  I don't talk to them about it - any of it - any of my symptoms - nothing.  It is more peaceful ultimately.

 

A quote I find helpful from a woman called Kim Witzcak:-

 

"At some point after you go through all the stages of grief, you have to accept what happened.  I always tell people it doesn't mean you have to like what happened, but when you accept what happened, it starts the healing process.  You are no longer fighting your reality, playing with illusions and stop asking why.  We may never get an answer why something happened.  There is a peace that comes with acceptance of "It is what it is".

 

 

Oaktree1