Cigale: reinstating help

[sunnysideup69]

Sending big hugs xxxxx

[Cigale]

Thank you @sunnysideup69! I think I felt those hugs just now 🤗. I think I need to take a little break from SA, starting to get obsessive about self-help stuff. Found myself trying to read a self-help book while listening to a meditation last night 🤪!  There are no quick fixes, just slow careful healing. I need to take a page from your book. I love that you gave yourself permission to just rest in bed this past Saturday. Hugs to you for a lovely and peaceful week. 

[Cigale]

2 hours ago, Cigale said:

Sunday, July 19

5-7 am - Listened to two meditations - Tolle and yoga nidra

8 am - Fed dogs and started breakfast, melon, croissant and apricot juice.

830 am - Take lexapro 5 mg, anxiety 6

9 am - Trying to read local newspapers - mandatory masks in France with 135 Euro fine - and study French. Today I am working on distracting and changing the channel. 

 

Oops - This should be Monday, July 20

 

10 am - Walked around yard to try and calm racing heart, anxiety 8.

1130 am - Had to lie down and try and breath in blue calm. Heart racing and strange noise in my ears. Can't focus to read and very agitated, can't rest, anxiety 9 and SI.

 

So discouraged by this longest and hardest wave after five months.

[Gridley]

3 hours ago, Cigale said:

 

So discouraged by this longest and hardest wave after five months.

You will come out of it, Cigale.

[Cigale]

Thank you @Gridley for your encouragement. I think you might have some magical powers because yesterday around dinner, I had a window. I just felt okay, my thinking was clear and calm, and I was even able to tease my husband a bit. He said he could see some of my old spark. I ate a good dinner, read and meditated. And then I slept 6.5 hours, only waking once with fear. This morning has been a little shaky, but I have more hope. I assume I would not be having a window if I were going through poop-out - that crazy notion that overwhelms me when I am in a wave. This is WD and I am healing.

 

For the record, Monday, July 20

130 pm - Ate pasta salad for lunch, lovingly made by my husband. It actually tasted good. (anxiety 6)

230-4 pm - Meditated and studied Eckhart Tolle (6)

5-6 pm - Walked two dogs individually. The south wind felt good and dry. (5)

7 pm - Made dinner and felt okay cooking (oddly, this has been an anxious activity for me) (4)

8-10 pm - Enjoyed dinner, watered flowers, and just chatted, looked for birds (swifts and marlins, also some hungry bats) (3)

10 pm - light yoga and breathing

11 pm - to bed for 40-minute yoga nidra meditation

 

Tuesday, July 21

4 am - Awake in full sweat, cortisol surge, but got back to sleep relatively easily.

715 am - Awake and sitting meditation. (7)

8 am - To village to get breakfast and newspapers. (7)

830 am - At egg, toast, croissant, melon and apricot juice, took lexapro 5mg (6)

930-1130 am - House cleaning and email catch up (6)

1230 pm - Lunch

 

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

Hello 😊 thanks for your cheerful comments. 

Hope you've been doing okay since Tuesday. 

Incidentally, I also have similar obtrusive thoughts about poop out when wavering around.

Pretty sure in both our cases, it's not.....it's plain old destabilisation from.WD, and the resulting waves of healing.

Hope you can enjoy your day today 😊

[Cigale]

Hello @sunnysideup69! Thank you for checking in. The week has been very up and down. Though I have to admit to getting discouraged when things go south, through it all I am trying to recognize small, general improvements in how I approach life. When I can, I try to stop and notice where I might be tensing or maybe even holding my breath. Then I breath into those areas. I am trying to connect with at least one person a day to find out how they are doing. And I am also pampering myself when I can by doing things like taking care of my nails. When I am in a wave, I don't even notice this but I totally destroy my nails and finger tips, biting them down to nothing. I bought some shiny nail strengthener yesterday and lovingly applied it to all my sad little nails this morning. Though I certainly would not have chosen this path to better self-awareness, WD is teaching me so much about myself.

 

I hope you have a good weekend with your parents. Let them love all over you!

[Cigale]

I am really down today after a difficult weekend and day. Along with SI, intense anger has darkened this wave, and I am having more trouble interacting with family and friends. Insomnia is back and eating is a challenge. It just feels like I have taken too many steps backwards this month after I saw some progress in June. I am scared and could use some comforting. I am going to be okay, right?

[Cigale]

Hello @Gridley - I hesitate to bother you but when you have a chance, could you send me some words of wisdom? I am feeling hopeless and so exhausted by the struggle. I am so grateful for any support.

[Erell]

18 hours ago, Cigale said:

 It just feels like I have taken too many steps backwards this month after I saw some progress in June.

The fact that you saw some progress in June sounds like a good indicator : your CNS is working hard to reach stability, and apparently he has more working to do.

I know how much it feels like eternity, and intrusive thoughts keep telling us that it will never get better.

 

But you can't trust these thoughts : it will get better.

hang in there dear ❤️ 

[Cigale]

Merci @Erell for your kind words. I will savor them today when I meditate. I also found this release for my personality: "I now release obsessing about things I cannot change."

 

And

 

No experience or thing in the external world can ultimately keep me satisfied or free from anxiety, but if I search within, I will find a stillness and serenity which is a dependable source of undiminished joy.

[Gridley]

2 hours ago, Cigale said:

some words of wisdom

I'm so sorry you're feeling low.  You are healing every moment.  Your healing in June is the true picture of what's happening.  The feelings that it won't get better are just neuro-emotions.  They aren't real.  You are very smart to release thinking about things you can't change.  You may not be able to feel it but your brain is working constantly to heal and regain the balance and joy that is your natural state--and you will regain it.

Edited July 28, 2020 by Gridley

[Cigale]

Thank you @Gridley for your encouragement. Peace.

[ChessieCat]

You might find this topic helpful:  acceptance

 

[Cigale]

Purr-fect @ChessieCat! Indeed I spent some time rereading and really absorbing the idea of acceptance, floating not fighting. So important to healing. Thank you!

[Cigale]

After restarting Lexapro in 2019, very oddly warts started appearing. They are only on my left side, hands and feet. I doubt there's a connection, but who knows. I have tried many dermatological treatments, but they just keep spreading. I went to my local pharmacy today and they gave me this homeopathic treatment called Verrulia and I want to find out if I should even risk trying this. Thanks for any advice!

 

Here are the ingredients:

Ce que contient VERRULIA®, comprimé à sucer

Les substances actives sont :

Antimonium crudum 9 CH	1 mg
Nitricum acidum 9 CH	1 mg
Thuya occidentalis 9 CH	1 mg

Pour un comprimé de 300mg.

Les autres composants sont : saccharose, lactose, stéarate de magnésium.

[Gridley]

@Cigale

 

There are so many unknowns with homeopathy and many strong opinions.   I'm certainly no expert.  The following link contains one comment that would make me hesitant, that being that detox is a strong element in homeopathy.  I would be concerned that homeopathy would be another remedy that would be fine for people not in WD and not fine for people who are.

 

Homeopathy - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

The standard treatment for warts is to have a skin doctor M.D. burn them off with dry ice.

[Cigale]

Thank you again @Gridley. I should have searched for homeopathy vs warts. Blaming it on the thick brain fog. I have had many dry ice treatments and they just keep coming back and stronger. I am going to just live with the warts for now. Really a minor nuisance given other current challenges. 

 

I hope you are doing well. Take care!

[brassmonkey]

A home cure I have read about but not tried is to use a small patch of Duct tape covering the wart for several days. Might be worth a try.

[Cigale]

Thanks @brassmonkey for the suggestion! Giving it a go, though I kinda look like an alien (sort of feel like one these days too).

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Cigale, been catching up on your thread. 

Sorry it's tough right now, remember it's temporary. 

It's completely normal to have a good month followed by a dip again. Unfortunately, that's the way this works.

Focus on what you CAN control. Exercise, diet, meditation, yoga. Invest in these things now, especially when you are feeling bad, if you can.

And REST, even if it doesn't feel restful.

Sending lots of love xxxx

[Cigale]

Thank you @sunnysideup69 for checking in on me! I really appreciate your wisdom and friendship. The WD world is pretty lonely, and sometimes seems so unreal. And I am still figuring out what works for me for self-help. When the wave is intense, meditation and even yoga seem to make things worse, which is so frustrating. Ultimately, acceptance is the one thing that gets me through each moment. Acceptance and the concept that this is happening for a reason, that I now have a unique opportunity to discover and nourish a deeper understanding of myself and the world.

 

I hope you are continuing to do well and looking to start your taper. Huge hugs! 

[sunnysideup69]

@Cigale, yes, that sounds wise....I definitely have those times when none of that works and I have to just lie down on the sofa for the day. If that's what's needed, then surrender. You've got this xxx

[Cigale]

Note to self and suggestion from FarmGirl (love her success story): Timed gratitude lists for 10-15 minutes each day.

[Cigale]

One more note for the record: Big dip down today. Struggled to move through morning terror, and then I let myself get sucked into downward spiral of frustration and despair. Didn’t eat and stayed in bed ‘binge watching’ this channel. Not sustainable and I know better. 

[Cigale]

Is this just WD thinking? I know I sound like a broken record, so maybe this is just WD ruminations. I am obsessed with the idea that Lexapro is making me worse. I did not do well while I took it in 2019 for 9 months. I took 5mg from Feb to July and my anxiety/insomnia got worse, so doc increased dose to 10mg, which kicked in depression. And then I made the huge mistake of 'tapering' off over 3 weeks. I just can't help but wonder how I will I know I have stabilized on Lexapro this time around when I didn't feel stable on it in 2019. Plus, I am going through WD from almost-CT in December (and the added Paxil reaction in February). BUT, I think I could really put myself in hell by starting to taper - even 1%. I just feel so poisoned. But then I have had a couple of small windows - last one for two hours on July 21. Is that a good sign?

[Cigale]

My apologies to the community for my compulsive posts today. When I am at my worst, I am so selfish and self-absorbed and the opposite of mindful and present. I just need to listen to Sunnyside's advice and keep accepting and investing. Hugs to all.

 

On 7/31/2020 at 7:41 AM, sunnysideup69 said:

Focus on what you CAN control. Exercise, diet, meditation, yoga. Invest in these things now, especially when you are feeling bad, if you can.

 

[Gridley]

2 hours ago, Cigale said:

- last one for two hours on July 21. Is that a good sign?

A window is always a good sign and is a sign of healing.  Try not to overthink your situation too much (overthinking is a typical WD reaction).   There are so many things going on, it would be difficult to pinpoint what's causing what.  Try to stay calm and take good care of yourself.  Worry and overthinking causes stress, which makes WD worse.

 

[sunnysideup69]

22 minutes ago, Cigale said:

My apologies to the community for my compulsive posts today. When I am at my worst, I am so selfish and self-absorbed and the opposite of mindful and present. I just need to listen to Sunnyside's advice and keep accepting and investing. Hugs to all.

 

 

 

No apology necessary. You managed to cheer me up today, so thank you. It's really hard to apply the tools some days....you just need to rant and swear a bit. I find that a great self help tool Sending you a hug.

[Erell]

7 minutes ago, Cigale said:

My apologies to the community for my compulsive posts today. When I am at my worst, I am so selfish and self-absorbed and the opposite of mindful and present. I just need to listen to Sunnyside's advice and keep accepting and investing. Hugs to all.

 

Please, don't beat yourself. There is no doubt that this WD thing push our boundaries. The neuro-emotions we feel are extreme, it is normal to feel exhausted and like giving up sometimes. I think everybody does feel that way here sometimes.

You're not being selfish : you are trying to survive and while being strong your mind can't stop sending you doom thoughts.

It can be hard to distinguish thoughts from WD symptoms because catastrophizing thoughts seems to be a WD symptom too.

 

And yes sometimes you are the opposite of mindful and present : that is absolutely normal. We are learning great coping tools (mindfullness, radical acceptance, ...), but we are learning them during the hardest time of our life !

If you open a book that talks about mindfulness, or acceptance, the author will say how difficult it is, how much it takes practice. People who are not going through WD often say how difficult it is to learn being in the present. 

Can you see how hard it is for us while going through WD ?

And yet, we are learning, we are trying, we are fighting for life, because we know how much it worth it.

So yes, you have times while you don't manage to be in the present. And that's ok ❤️

 

 

2 hours ago, Cigale said:

Is this just WD thinking? I know I sound like a broken record, so maybe this is just WD ruminations. I am obsessed with the idea that Lexapro is making me worse. I did not do well while I took it in 2019 for 9 months. I took 5mg from Feb to July and my anxiety/insomnia got worse, so doc increased dose to 10mg, which kicked in depression. And then I made the huge mistake of 'tapering' off over 3 weeks. I just can't help but wonder how I will I know I have stabilized on Lexapro this time around when I didn't feel stable on it in 2019. Plus, I am going through WD from almost-CT in December (and the added Paxil reaction in February). BUT, I think I could really put myself in hell by starting to taper - even 1%. I just feel so poisoned. But then I have had a couple of small windows - last one for two hours on July 21. Is that a good sign?

 

Since you have reinstated, have you seen improvments ? Has your symptoms changed ?

 

I understand the feeling of being poisoned : everyday you take the drugs that is responsible for your symptoms. This is not an easy thing to do. 

However, we do it in order to protect our CNS and try to reach stability. We do it because we know that CT is not a gentle way and can be harder for our poor CNS.

The fact that you're having windows sounds like common windows and waves pattern toward stabilisation.

 

It is a weird thing actually : we go through WD, we gain knowledge on SA, we see others stories, and yet we can't believe how long and gradual healing can be and we feel the strong need to discover "what is wrong", because there have to be something wrong.

A lot of folks have this kind of thoughts, and actually this is our brains trying to protect us : when the brain feels danger, it sends strong signals to do something in order to save our life.

Unfortunately, WD isn't a situation where we can just flee or fight : it is a situation where our brain just need time and rest to re-balance his chemistry.

 

It will get better dear Cigale ❤️

 

 

 

[Cigale]

Thank you @Erell, @sunnysideup69 and @Gridley for your kind advice and support. I am so grateful for you all and this community. You have given me so much to contemplate. I had never thought of the fact that while going through WD I’m trying to master new skills that many find challenging. Also that my brain is just trying to protect me. And that I need to giving thinking a rest...and possibly replace it with some swearing 🤬 hee hee! 

 

For now I’m going to give my weary soul a rest. Some gentle yoga and legs up the wall and gratitudes for all that is good in my world. I hope you all have a good night and sweet dreams. ❤️

 

[sunnysideup69]

8 hours ago, Cigale said:

And that I need to giving thinking a rest...and possibly replace it with some swearing 🤬 hee hee! 

 

I highly recommend it  There's even a place on here where you can go and swear....will see if I can find it for you ....

 

Here you go....

Enjoy  

[Cigale]

Oh yes!! This is going to be fun. Thank you!

[Cigale]

On 8/4/2020 at 8:53 PM, Erell said:

Since you have reinstated, have you seen improvments ? Has your symptoms changed ?

 

Still struggling and want to try and answer these questions. In general, over the past 5 months, I have become more depressed with a big increase in morning cortisol anxiety/dread that comes and goes by the minute and extends through to dinner. In April/May/June, I actually had a few weeks with multiple days (2-3) of medium symptoms. I was able to get through the days more functionally, getting things done, shopping, cooking, connecting with friends. I enjoyed walking my dogs and could even go on very easy runs and bike rides with friends. Now, I struggle to leave the house for walks with my dogs, and I am having about 1/2 - 1 okay day/week.

 

I have not changed anything in terms of my dose and timing, and not added any supplements or other drugs. I don’t know what it all means and don’t expect there to be answers really. Maybe it is just part of the process, and I have to work harder on acceptance the longer this lasts? Or perhaps I am trying too hard and just need to do less? Maybe it is the summer heat and the uptick in social pressures? I must be honest and say I have been spending too much time here reading other strings trying to find answers that just don’t exist. That is not healthy and I know it.

 

But here are my answers:

 

Improvements since RI

- More control of irritability, which was intense before reinstatement (in Jan/Feb 2020).

- Generally more patient and able to watch my thoughts, which I think comes from daily homework on mindfulness and meditation.

- Better at making myself eat regularly and drink water.

- Fall asleep pretty easily.

 

Worsening symptoms

- Morning cortisol surges/dread have intensified. 

- Tinnitus - The only other time I had this was about 45 days after my CT/before RI. 

- Increased depression with strong SI.

- Compulsive behavior and obsessive thinking. 

- Fear/anxiety over basic functions - cooking, cleaning, gardening - that I managed far better in April/May/June.

- Isolating more and afraid to interact with family and friends. (Though I was able to go out for meals with my husband before, that has been something I can’t do without crying now.)

- Intense afternoon anxiety has made meditating difficult. 

 

Sleep is about the same with me getting about 4-5 hours on average.

[Altostrata]

Hello, have you darkened your bedroom to reduce light stimulation in the morning? It's brighter now in the summer. This can reduce the early morning cortisol reaction.

 

What times of day do you take your drugs, with their dosages?

 

See

 

Waking with panic or anxiety -- managing the morning cortisol spike

 

"Forest bathing" reduces cortisol, aids mood, immune system

 

More about how light stimulation affects our body clocks

 

[Cigale]

Hello @Altostrata - Thank you for taking the time to check in on me. I take only Lexparo (escitalopram) 5mg at 830 am with food. No other supplements, pills, caffeine or alcohol. 

 

Will look at how I can darken my room more. And thank you for those links to address morning panic and cortisol spikes.

 

I hope you are doing well and staying safe. I appreciate all you do for this community.